Chapter Eight
The Regrets of Impulsivity
The Sengoku Jidai Period- "The warring states"
723 days before the defeat of Naraku.
Kagome kicked the stone harmlessly lying in her path as she stomped back to camp. She needed a break from all of her travelling companions. Truly, it was a break from one companion in particular; the devastatingly handsome, cursed monk, Miroku. Everything about the 'monk' made her skin crawl- he elicited a hatred she didn't know she was capable of, one that made her worry she would corrupt the tiny pieces of the reforming jewel that slumbered in her chest. It wasn't just the magic that surrounded his cursed hand that made her physically nauseated, it was everything about him, from his roaming hands to his superficial brain. He made her sick. It had all come to a boil that evening when Miroku had groped Kagome and she retaliated by punching him in the stomach- hard. Confusingly, when he went to grope Sango, she had giggled, playfully swatting his hands away. It was like she had enjoyed the interaction instead of being justifiably repulsed.
Of course, like any secure, well-adjusted girlfriend, Kagome had brought it up with Sango when they were alone. She was calm, at first, until Sango tried convincing her it was all in her head- that she had most definitely not been flirting with Miroku. Through gritted teeth, Kagome made a pointed effort not to scream at Sango that she'd never once suggested that flirting had been afoot. Then came the accusations; Sango began denying the smiles she sent Miroku's way when she thought Kagome was not looking, ignored the wink Kagome had seen pass between them a few days prior and outright protested that she most certainly had not giggled when the monk groped her that evening. It was then that Kagome lost it and started screaming at her. She had said some horrible things to Sango and Sango said some horrible things back until Kagome said some absolutely vile things to Sango and Sango slapped her in the face. Kagome had walked off right after that, not wanting things to escalate to a point of no return between them. Loving Sango was laborious, at times; the truth was a winding road with Sango, and Kagome was growing tired of cutting herself on the rocks of lies in the path.
Maybe what they needed was a break from the Feudal Era. Maybe if she took Sango to her time, they could get some space to figure things out together. Maybe. Or maybe it would be just the thing to force Sango right into Miroku's arms. Lately, it felt like each time Sango pulled away from Kagome, somehow, she drew closer to Miroku. When Kagome finally made it back to camp, she saw Miroku and Sango lying near each other, their fingertips barely touching as the warmth the burning fire staved off the night chill. Kagome's stomach bubbled with jealousy, and she sneered at the image of them. She heard Sesshoumaru's snort at her childish display, drawing her attention to him.
Sesshoumaru was sitting peacefully, leaning against the two headed dragon youkai who was fast asleep and snoring loudly. With each exhale, A-Un's body vibrated and a little puff of steam escaped their nostrils. Sesshoumaru was staring into the fire, a forlorn expression adorning his beautiful face. The fire cast an orange glow on his skin and the moon seemed to shine especially on him. The night agreed with him, more than the day did; it radiated his beauty, luring her in like a moth to his flame.
"Another lover's spat?" he questioned gruffly, his eyes never moving from the crackling flames that kept the Autum chill of the night at bay.
Kagome walked towards him, ignoring the trill that echoed through her body at the timbre of his voice, choosing instead to focus on the edge to his tone. She had come to expect the relaxed countenance that he slowly revealed to her as they grew closer, but tonight it was marred by an unfamiliar look Kagome could not quite place. His pillowy lips were pressed tightly into a line and his perfectly arched brows drew down on his face with a grimace. Kagome plopped herself beside him, purposefully disrupting his space as she shuffled and made herself comfortable. She allowed her elbow to dig into his ribs and her knee to jut out at his thigh dramatically as she positioned herself next to him, taking great delight in his scowl.
"Aren't you tired of hearing me complain about my horrendous love life? I figure your ears deserve a rest from all my whining."
The tension melted from his face at her words. There was a low rumble in his chest, a laugh vibrating out from him that warmed the air around her. There was something electric about making Sesshoumaru laugh, it was dangerously enjoyable. Kagome was eager to hear him make that sound again. A small voice niggled at her, judging her for not moving away when he shifted closer to her, guilting her for the warm flutter in her stomach when she heard his laugh. She was just as bad as Sango, she realized. But this wasn't the same, right? Sesshoumaru was no Miroku- he would never touch her the way Miroku touched Sango. A bitter taste rose in her mouth- no, this was different. Completely different. Sango accepted the lechery from Miroku. She basically admitted to flirting with the damn monk. Kagome wasn't flirting with Sesshoumaru, not even in the slightest. Kagome was cheering up a colleague- no, a comrade. A teammate. Kagome was making a teammate laugh and Sango had been enjoying another man's advances. This was completely different- wasn't it?
"Silence from you for the night, then? So, the kamis do answer my prayers it seems," he smiled half-heartedly, drawing her from the maze of her thoughts.
"Silence from me? As if you'd be so lucky. Not even Tsukuyomi himself would bless you that much. Everything okay? Even your insults seem less sarcastic than usual. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were sick, or worse…sad."
Sesshoumaru snorted at Kagome's faux horrified expression.
"As if this Sesshoumaru could ever get sick. My pristine Daiyoukai body is far superior to the sickly flesh bags you humans call home. I don't even know what sickness is," he sniffed indignantly.
Kagome giggled, "Two seconds in and you're already speaking in the third person and spouting your youkai superiority bullshit. Definitely not sick. So again, that begs the question- what's wrong? You look like you have a lot on your mind."
The crackling of the firewood and the two-fold snoring of the double headed dragon filled the silence that descended between them. Kagome blushed, realising she had asked such a personal question. It was an impulse, a feeling like second nature to pry deeper beneath the stoic surface of Sesshoumaru's mask, but now in the absence of a reaction she regretted her question. She was unsure of where she stood with Sesshoumaru; they had recently started sparring together when the group had downtime and had built a tentative rapport, but that didn't mean they were friends, did it? Surely, she had overstepped. Her face flushed, heat creeping down the sides of her neck.
"You don't have to answer if you don't-"
"Tonight is the sixth moon since I officially left home."
"Oh, ok…is this a religious thing? I know you're like some kinda moon prodigy or something."
Sesshoumaru smiled wryly, finally looking up at her. The sadness in his eyes struck Kagome like lightning, drawing her in by the scruff of her curiosity.
"No, not a religious thing, as you say," he cleared his throat before continuing, "it is my son's birthday today. The first birthday that has ever warranted my absence. I am disappointed to be missing it."
Kagome allowed her face to contort in shock. Sesshoumaru had a son? She had always thought his paternal behaviour towards Rin was some odd combination of circumstance and pity. Never had she thought of Sesshoumaru as someone's father. It was an eye-opening revelation that caused a flurry of confusion inside her.
"I never knew you had a son!" she gasped.
His eyes danced in amusement at her surprise. "A daughter too," he whispered conspiratorially.
Kagome gasped again, so loudly that she startled the sleeping dragon next to them. Ah-Un bristled, one of its heads swivelling around to snort warm air at Kagome as they settled back into sleep. Sesshoumaru chuckled at Kagome's wide mouthed expression and her ruffled hair from the dragon's breath. He reached out instinctively and smoothed the frizz caused by the heat of Ah-Un's annoyance. Kagome let him palm her hair down, simultaneously finding comfort in the warmth of his hand and cursing herself for not moving away from his touch.
"How could I not know about this?!"
"Well," Sesshoumaru smirked, laying back into Ah-Un as he relaxed into the conversation, the remaining tension he held earlier on slowly dissipating, "unlike some people, I try not to bemoan my personal life to everyone in my immediate vicinity."
Kagome pouted at this jab, indignantly responding, "I do not!"
"Yet somehow you always seem to find me when you happen to be in crisis. And then the bemoaning commences."
Sesshoumaru's gaze locked onto Kagome's and the flutter in her stomach re-appeared. His eyes were distractingly beautiful when he was teasing her. She rolled her eyes to break the contact, convincing herself that the spark she felt was all in her mind.
"How come you've never mentioned them before? Your children?"
Sesshoumaru's smile faltered slightly. He shrugged, his gaze returning to the fire before them.
"I keep matters of my family close to my heart. You were right, I was- I am sad tonight. I think I needed a friend."
"Is that what we are, Sesshoumaru?"
"Hmm?"
"Are we friends?"
Sesshoumaru blinked, his eyebrows scrunching together in an adorable expression of confusion as Kagome's question registered in his mind. Kagome was struck by the simplicity of his vulnerability, the ease in which he had called her friend as if it was the least complicated thing in his world.
"I would like to think so," he responded slowly. Hesitation corrupted the effortlessness of the night that had built up between them. A strange expression flooded his eyes, panic- regret? Kagome couldn't place it. It was gone before she could assess it further, replaced almost immediately by the familiar cold indifference he typically reserved for Inuyasha.
"I can always recalibrate the number of hours I allot to listening to you complain about your girlfriend," he drawled with a roll of his eyes, but there was a subtle nervousness to his tone that made Kagome pause. He was trying to brush her off, to act as if he didn't care if she considered him a friend or not. There was something endearing about his attempt to hide his vulnerability with sarcasm. Kagome giggled, placing her hand gently over his. Her eyes found his as her fingers gingerly wrapped around his own. She noted the brief look of shock that flashed across his face before he schooled his features back into cold aloofness.
"We are friends, Sesshoumaru. And I seek you out after a "lover's spat" or during a crisis for just that reason; friends are there for each other when they need them. Don't' you think?"
She squeezed his hand, her smile widening as his expression softened.
"Kaito."
"What?"
"Ou- my son. His name is Kaito."
Kagome could see the sadness return to his eyes as his gaze drifted back to the fire. He was lost in the flickering flames, his face impassive as his eyes revealed a million burdens he held close to his heart. She felt the distinct need to cheer him up, to make him feel better in this unambiguous expression of grief.
"Happy birthday to Kaito, then. May the light of the moon bring him many blessings and many more years to come," she said earnestly, staring up at the brilliant orb of the moon as it hung unsuspectedly in the night sky. Kagome knew grief all too well. It was sneaky and lingering when it was ready, manifesting in many strange ways. For her, grief came in the form of sickening loneliness, a guilt that corded painfully into the strings of missing her family, missing her father. Defeating Naraku was a worthy cause, but it didn't make the burden of the sacrifice any easier. Kagome felt it herself, with each passing day, wondering how much was changing back home, praying she didn't miss her brothers growing up too much, or worse Ji-chan's death. It was a lot for someone to bear, especially alone. She resonated with Sesshoumaru's unspoken misery, feeling it rolling off of him in waves. She scooched closer to him, hoping to offer some small comfort with her presence. Truly, it was his presence that comforted her; it felt good to care about something other than her own problems in that moment.
"Do you want to complain about missing him? I could listen if you'd like to. You know- it would be like I'm returning the favour," she smiled sheepishly at him.
Sesshoumaru laughed softly, shaking his head. Kagome felt his fingers contract gently around her own and realized with a blush that they were still holding hands.
"I am glad we are friends, Kagome."
The memory played in her mind as Kagome walked the emptying streets on her way back home.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, Kagome thought to herself- about herself. Sesshoumaru was still in her head, invading her thoughts like a plague even hours after their encounter. She saw his face shatter and smooth into cold indifference when she told him they were nothing. It was stuck on a loop in her mind, playing over and over and over again.
You think because we sparred a few times, and I shared a few tidbits about my life that you know me? That we're friends?
We are nothing to each other, Sesshoumaru. Nothing.
She had said it so easily too, words she knew would cut him deep, hurt him just as bad as she felt hurt in that moment when he judged her. In the past she had cherished the painstaking development of her friendship with Sesshoumaru. It had been a huge milestone in their relationship when they'd finally admitted to being friends, but she had shattered that today. Kagome knew she didn't deal well with rejection or pain, it was one of the things she hated about herself- she lashed out and gave as good as she got it. Sango had berated her for it countless times throughout their relationship, accusing Kagome of being the cruellest person she had ever met. Even though Sesshoumaru had been a dick, he didn't deserve that from her. He had been right, after all.
Your responsibility to the world is greater than the selfishness of your own desires, Kagome.
Sesshoumaru had called her out, recognized in the span of seconds what she truly was at the end of the day- a selfish coward, hiding from the weight of her responsibility. It hurt that she was so transparent to him. She enjoyed it in the Feudal Era, it felt like a challenge; it had felt good to be seen by him, especially when she felt so misunderstood by Sango. Here, in this time, it was too much. After all her fantasies of their reunion, she couldn't bear to see the look of disappointment and disgust on his face. The rejection. And so, she had done what she usually did best, burned everything to the ground without a second thought.
Kagome sighed, shaking her head in the fading light, trying to clear her thoughts as she neared the shrine. She revelled in the fleeting warmth of the evening, the sun a glimmering jewel on the horizon that sent tingles of energy through her body. She had finally gotten rid of the well-meaning Hojo who was insistent that they have a sleepover and bash Sesshoumaru all night long for being a demonic dick. As tempting as it had been, she rain-checked his offer, reminding him that she needed to head home to check on Seiki and face the stone wall that was her mother. Home was another battlefield Kagome ran from, cold and pregnant with the failure of her broken relationships. She wasn't ready to face, Seiki yet, ashamed she had lost control of her powers trying to save him. Worse yet, she wasn't ready to face her mother and the blame she clearly laid at Kagome's feet for Seiki's accident. Mei still hadn't responded to any of Kagome's messages, calls or her ridiculously transparent request that Souta casually mention that Kagome was trying to get on to her. There was nothing from her mother, only the white noise of a broken connection. She hated when Mei acted like this, detested the anxiety it brought her and the reminder that she was desperate for her mother's validation. The remnants of alcohol from her time with Hojo sloshed in her belly as she rocked on her heels, feeling the urge to run as far away as she could. The bile in her stomach bubbled and mixed with the rage from Sesshoumaru's judgment. It felt better to focus on the anger he had brought, it hurt less than what she knew would face the moment she entered her house.
The light was a chaste kiss on her back, warming her skin while the purple and orange evening sky cast an inviting glow on the Higurashi shrine before her. Kagome stared at the torii, her feet refusing to step any closer to the scared space of her ancestral home. Kagome was exhausted from her day, her guilt, shame and self-blame weighing her down. The komainu statues stared at her unmoving, seated at the entrance of the shrine on either side of the pathway that opened out under the torii. The komianu were not the typical lion-dog guardians often seen at other shrines. They were a pair of tatsugitsune or dragon-foxes which were often perceived to be the animal form of Amaterasu, the patron kami of her family's shrine. The triangular ears of the stone creatures were erect, standing on guard with their open mouths that revealed their vicious teeth. When Kagome first moved into the shrine after her father died, she was afraid of them, their terrible maws threatening and horrid, but Ji-chan always assured her that the komainu would only attack those who desired to desecrate the shrine. Would they attack her now? Did they know of her unclean heart, her selfishness, her cruelty, and cowardice that would surely bring dishonour to the holy grounds?
Kagome couldn't move, her anxious thoughts rooting her in front of the torii as she stared at the two flights of steps that led up to her family shrine. A gentle gust of wind blew against her back, pushing her forward and choosing her path for her. The red paint of the torii shone like blood in the evening light as Kagome bowed and carefully avoided walking through the middle of the pathway, mindful of disrespecting the kami. The middle of the walkway was not meant for humans, for that space was reserved as the pathway of the gods. According to Ji-chan, any humans who dared to flout the way of gods was cursed. Kagome felt it on a psychic level too, the metaphysical feeling of wrongness any time she drifted to closely to the centre.
Pictured: Torii gate.
Making her way up the two flights of stone steps, Kagome stopped at the chozu-ya, the water ablution pavilion placed before the approach to the shrine. Her reflection peered back at her, distorted and blurred as the beginnings of darkness stained the light around her. Mindlessly, she began the ablution ritual- she took one of the wooden ladles lined up at the station, grasping it firmly in her right hand. A clicking interrupted her thoughts, it came with a vibration, subtle but noticeable the sound echoed throughout her body, strongest in her chest where the jewel was nestled. The water-soaked shaft of the ladle slipped from her hand, landing on the floor with a clatter, breaking Kagome's trance. She shivered at the weird sensation, glancing around but seeing no one.
Pictured: wooden ladles at a chozuya.
The hairs on the back of her neck raised and the power of the jewel swelled inside her. It was strange, the jewel and her magic had been unresponsive to her since that morning, suppressed by her fear and her self-deprecation over Seiki's accident. With a scrunch of her eyebrows, she tried to focus on her magic, calling it to her fingertips as Seima had taught her many years ago. She felt the magic underneath her skin, stifled by something inside her, desperate to come out. Even with her best effort, once more, there was nothing; her magic was unresponsive. Kagome stared into the setting sun, feeling her anxiety settle in the quickened beats of her heart. She felt lost, and alone- something strange was in the air, heightening her negative emotions. She was falling into her bad thoughts again and she couldn't find an anchor; it felt like she was drowning all over again, fighting to kick to the surface, to find her father and unable to save herself. It was all too much for her. Although it had been more than a decade since last she prayed, in that moment, it was the only thing Kagome could think of doing. With a deep breath in, she silently, she offered a prayer to Amaterasu, the goddess of the sun.
"We haven't talked in a while, I know, but I don't know where else to turn to. Everything feels so dark. Goddess, please share your light with me. Make me pure again, worthy of this power. My heart feels corrupted with despair and cruelty. I feel like I can't control anything in my life; not my emotions, not my powers, not my future. I feel lost. I don't even know if you could hear me, if you're real. But if you are, send me some help. Please. Help me to find the strength again, the strength to find your light."
Kagome thought she would feel stupid praying like that, but instead there was a calmness in her spirit she hadn't felt for the day. As she finished her prayer, the sun finally set in the sky, winking its last bit of warmth at her. It was brief, but she felt the sun radiate throughout her body, the jewel calm and at ease in her chest as the orb of light disappeared beneath the horizon and darkness began to settle in. A thought came into her mind just then, one that felt foreign, but right- Open your heart. Feeling a little lighter, Kagome bent to pick up the fallen ladle, returning it to its resting place. She pondered what it would mean to truly open her heart after all these years of closing herself off. As she made her way towards her house, she spotted Ji-Chan, meticulously folding paper figures under the Goshinboku tree.
"Ji-chan, what are you doing out here?" she asked curiously.
Ji-chan folded the piece of paper in his hand, creasing it into several sections until it formed a tiny paper crane. He muttered some words under his breath before resting the paper crane off to the side. His weary eyes raised to Kagome's with an equally tired smile.
"It's been a long day, hasn't it?" Ji-chan asked with a small shake of his head, returning his eyes to the paper folding in his hands.
"Tell me about it," Kagome muttered. With a small cough, Kagome cleared her throat. "How's Seiki doing?"
"He's doing better than you and I combined!" Ji-chan said with a laugh. "He's grateful his sister is a "magical witch" with "kickass superpowers" that saved his life," Ji-chan huffed with a chuckle, his eyes crinkling at the sides as he shook his head more vigorously. He inclined his head towards the yellow light filtering out of the living room window to their left. Kagome could see Seiki, bandage on his head worn like a crown standing atop the living room couch. Souta was bowing deep and low to him in mock reverence, while Mei's hands moved animatedly in frustration. It was clear she was quarrelling with them, but neither boy would listen, too caught up in whatever game they were playing. Kagome let out a light laugh like a sigh of relief. Even though Souta had told her Seiki was fine, she needed to see it with her own eyes. He was okay- she hadn't maimed him when she lost control of her magic earlier.
"Seiki has the true Higurashi spirit, I'm afraid. That boy can turn any situation to his favour. Do you know he made friends with the ambulance driver before we left? They gave him a "royal escort" back home, had the sirens on and everything," Ji-chan chuckled.
As her guilt abated, Kagome's eyes landed on the kamifuda wards smattered around the window. They glowed with faint spiritual energy and the familiar magical signature of her grandfather. Kagome let her eyes trail around the house. The paper wards were nearly everywhere, around the door, around each window and in a circumference a few feet in front of the house. Kagome squinted at the strange sight with concern.
"What about you, Ji-chan? Are you feeling okay today?"
"Me? Oh, I'm fine little one. Just keeping my hands busy. You know how it gets as you get older," Ji-chan winked at her.
Kagome smirked lightly at him, but she knew he was evading her question. Comforted by the visual assurance that Seiki was okay, Kagome let her curiosity for Ji-chan's mood win out. Hesitantly, she leaned into her newfound power, choosing not to supress herself, choosing to be open. All day she had been fighting against it, dreading experiencing the emotions and feelings of those around her, but now she finally had a chance to understand her very guarded grandfather a little better. Kagome held her breath, let her heart lead her mind as she reached out psychically to Ji-chan's essence. She nearly gasped when it worked, struck by how much easier it was on her mind when she didn't fight the sensation. Ji-chan was an ocean of emotion- most prominent in his aura was a feeling of love, it was light and warm like he was, a gentle orange that played at the centre of him. There was something harder, darker there too. Singed at the edges of his aura was a distinct purpling of fear that stained the parameters of him like a growing bruise.
"I could definitely learn a thing or two from Seki. I think that spirit you see in him is just that last bit of Otousan on this earth sometimes- crazy, wild, free and loveable to a fault. But you know what the true measure of a Higuarshi is, Ji-chan?" Kagome asked and he looked up at her questioningly. "Our inability to lie to those we love," Kagome offered a small imploring smile.
Ji-chan's hands shook slightly. He lay the paper dog in his hand off to his side before getting up to his feet. "Oh no, no my gem. You worry too much about this old man. I am fine. It is nothing, I promise."
"Ji-chan, there are kamifuda on every inch of this shrine and you're making shikigami figurines like crazy. I haven't seen you like this in a while. Not since I used to…travel."
Travelling was what she and Ji-chan used to refer to her time spent in the Well, trying to avoid Mei's ire at any reference to Kagome time jumping activities. Whenever Kagome was gone, Ji-chan channelled all his worry for her into protecting the shrine and their family in case a demon attacked in her absence. He hadn't made shikigami in years and the sight was worrying her.
"It really isn't anything, young one. Oh, don't give me that look! You are just like your father! Alright, alright stop the pouting. If you must know," Ji-chan cleared his throat in discomfort, "I've been having dreams."
"Dreams?"
"Yes, dreams."
"What kind of dreams?"
"Bad dreams, Kagome. The kind you know all too well. They've been getting worse, I fear."
"I'm somewhat of an expert in that field, you know Ji-chan," Kagome chuckled. "Talk to me, maybe I could help."
"I don't think the content of my dreams are appro-"
Kagome raised an eyebrow, "Inappropriate dreams?"
Ji-chan flushed red, "Ay-yah. Not like that! I may be old, but I can still whack you up the head young one!"
Kagome let out a laugh, felt it deep in her belly as it released some of the tension of the day.
"Ji-chan, I've fought literal demons all my life. I think I could handle a bad dream or two," Kagome felt the irony of the statement as soon as it left her lips. She chose to ignore the way her nightmares made her throat close even now, just thinking of them. She pushed away the thoughts of the Beast, of the Well, eager to give her grandfather some comfort in his obvious struggle. "Come on, talk to me. I haven't seen you this wound up in a while. And it can't just be Seiki's accident, he's fine. Let me help you, I'm here for you."
Ji-chan looked down at his feet, avoiding her eyes. He sighed, raising his gaze to the moon. The glowing white orb had nestled itself in the sky with ease, comfortable being the only light in the darkening abyss as evening became night.
"They're always the same," Ji-chan began, "I'm running, then I feel like I'm flying- I feel light; free. And then, I plunge, fall under water and-" he hesitates, shooting a glance at Kagome's impassive face. "No, I can't talk to you about this. It's too much for you to hear."
"I'm fine, Ji-chan. What happens next?" Kagome's voice felt dead in her throat as she tried to keep her emotions at bay. Clearly, she hadn't been the only one traumatised by her father's drowning. Ji-chan looked at her nervously before he continued, "In the dream, it feels like no matter how hard I fight, I can't make it to the surface. But it's more than just a bad dream, that I could handle. It's how I feel when I wake up. My magic feels alive in these dreams and my body fights like it's real. I feel it in the air, something strange, a magic I can't quite put my finger on. I felt it this morning, when Seiki fell. I feel something right now too. Don't you feel it too?"
Kagome had felt something strange. It was almost like a presence, or an omen, hanging over her. Ji-chan had been the shrine's priest for several decades, trained by his grandmother in spiritual energies. His greatest power manifested in protective magic and his wards were the strongest she had ever seen. More so, he had a keen instinct when danger was afoot, like a sixth sense. If he said there was something off, Kagome trusted him. Kagome cracked her neck, taking a deep breath she closed her eyes and tried once more to tap into her magic. She tried her best, opened her mind up to the possibility that she was not weak, that she was worthy of her power. In that moment, she chose to remember the older version of herself, the one brimming with confidence and surety in her abilities. Surprisingly, the jewel was not as resistant as it had been a few moments prior, it trembled in her chest as she allowed her senses to float out around them. Ignoring the excitement she felt at her powers responding to her will and her fear at losing control, Kagome focused only on scanning the perimeter of the shrine. In her mind's eye, she could see Ji-chan's wards, humming a protective barrier around the house and the shrine grounds. Just off the perimeter of the shrine, there was something else. It was blurry, to her senses, like a distorted image she couldn't quite sharpen into focus. Kagome frowned as she opened her eyes, finding Ji-chan's eyes trained on her.
"It feels dangerous, doesn't it? I know you can sense it too. I don't know, Kagome. I guess my spirit is just a little unsettled," Ji-chan sighed, running a hand through his short grey wisps of hair.
"Maybe I'm just an old man overreacting. Better safe than sorry anyways, when your granddaughter is the famous Shikon miko, eh?" Ji-chan laughed.
Kagome blushed, waving him off. "Famous? Oh please, I've retired! But Ji-chan, you know you don't have to be afraid right. I'm here now. I'll protect you if anything goes wrong, you know that right?" Kagome didn't feel convicted as she spoke. She wondered if Ji-chan could hear it in her voice.
"Oh, I know, little one. I know you will try. The fear is always there though, more so when you get to be my age. It doesn't take the fear away, knowing you're here. But it does make it a little better."
Kagome wasn't sure how to respond.
"You can never be too careful, little gem. You can't blame an old man for his back up plans, can you? Sometimes it's good to channel your fears into preparation, to let them fuel you into becoming better and stronger. It makes it easier to face them when they arrive. That's the Higurashi way, my jewel. We fight even when we're afraid."
Ji-chan smiled at her good naturedly before bending down to pick up his collection of paper animals. "But don't worry about me. I'm going to go place these around the shrine, just in case. Tell your mother I'll be in shortly," he said as he walked off into the darkness with his tiny paper animals pooled in his arms.
Kagome hesitated to argue with him, she knew it would do no good to fight with Ji-chan over this. Besides, some extra spiritual protection around the shrine wouldn't hurt anyone. If it helped him deal with his anxiety and fears, who was she to stop him? Kagome shook her head as he disappeared around the corner. She moved to head into the house when she caught Mei's eye through the window. Their gazes locked for a moment before her mother turned away and busied herself with tidying up after Seiki and Souta. Kagome's stomach dropped; she wasn't ready to go inside yet. She didn't want to face her mother's rejection; it would be too much of the perfect cherry on top of the shittiest day of her life. No, she wasn't ready for that. But maybe she was ready for something else, maybe she could face another thing she had been avoiding for far too long in her life.
A clicking sound came from the trees beyond the walls of the shrine, dragging her abruptly from her contemplations. Kagome's head cocked to the side, feeling the hairs at the back of her neck raise. A cold wind blew around her as she peered harder into the trees, but there was nothing there, nothing her naked human eyes could see anyways. Her confidence ignited by her powers' earlier response, she tried once more to project her magic, to scan for another presence, but still, there was nothing there. She shivered. Her senses told her she was not alone, despite every indication to the contrary. Perhaps she was overreacting, swarmed with anxiety from the daunting events of the day. Her confidence was probably misplaced, her powers weren't fully returned yet. Chalking it all up to her frazzled nerves, she walked away from the house, her feet leading her towards the shed that housed the Well. She wasn't ready to face her mother just yet, but maybe she was ready for something else, maybe she could face another thing she had been avoiding for far too long in her life.
The kamifuda wards she had placed on the doors years ago glowed with her lilac magic, calling her in. She stopped in front of the doors, unmoving. There was so much she had been avoiding in her life but the doors of the shed were at the top of the list. Surprisingly, she felt calm and in control as she approached the shed, all her adrenaline burned up by the day. Kagome thought the thoughts she had been afraid to admit earlier- the Well had shown her Seiki's injury, all those years ago when it dragged her down. Were the visions she had seen inevitable? Would she have to hold Sesshoumaru as he died in her arms? Was it her fate to be swallowed by the Beast?
It was all so confusing, but Kagome chose not to give in to the fear like she usually did. It was there, under the surface, but it didn't feel as suffocating as it usually did. She caressed the wards, feeling the magic in them pulse at her touch. Ji-chan was right. She didn't have to be fearless, but she could use her fear as fuel and preparation. Most importantly, she could fight even though she was afraid. If her visions in the Well were inevitable, she would have to face them no matter what, but maybe she could bargain with the Well. Maybe she could ask for some more time- it owed her that much. If she was going to be sacrificed to a giant beast in the name of "destiny" she at least should be allowed a little more out of life. She stared at the wards for a long time before she made her decision. She reached up and tugged at the kamifuda, ripping it off of the door with ease. The ward disintegrated, its pieces glowing as they fell gracefully to the floor like tiny fireflies.
There was silence, not even the wind rustled the trees as she waited for the courage to open the doors. Like many things, life chose for Kagome. The door swung open of their own accord. The musty smell of old air slinked out of the shed as the moonlight slowly filtered into the darkness. The light touched the edges of the wood of the Well in the shed before her. Kagome felt herself lift off of the floor, hovering a few centimetres as the jewel vibrated in her chest. The tugging in her chest reignited, the jewel pulled her into the darkness of the shed, towards the Well. Her thighs slammed into the edge of the Well and her body threatened to capsize over the ledge.
"We're already at this?!" Kagome grunted in frustration. She placed her palms on the splintered wood of the lip of the Well, holding on for dear life as she fought the magic that tried to compel her. The wood hummed under her palms, ripe with the electricity of the Well's magic. Kagome gasped. Through her palms, she saw colours, bright and effervescent in her mind. It was hard to understand them- there were some many swirling around. It was a whirlwind of feeling, a symphony of light and colour at the tips of her fingers. She gasped- the colours were so much more than that. They were feelings, just like the ones she had been experiencing all day. They were bright and overwhelming and stronger than anything she had ever felt. Through the flurry of colours, one stood out more than the others- a purple-blue colour she was slowly recognising as fear. It couldn't be, could it? Was the magic- was the Well …afraid? Kagome couldn't think straight, overstimulated by the confusing emotions of the Well. She drew on the power of the jewel, sending a pulse of energy through her palms. The tugging in her chest stopped- the Well was no longer pulling at her. She tried to pull away from the edge, but she couldn't move. She was stuck, grasping onto the lip of the Well.
Kagome felt her walls come down as she probed the colours she saw. The sight was incredible, and it slowly convinced her of an impossible suspicion that was arising; the Well was more than a temporal transit station, it was more than a vehicle or a vessel; the Well was sentient. It seemed to feel and experience so much more than anything Kagome had ever thought. The colours moved with a fury behind her eyes, changing and glowing like a school of multicoloured fish. A voice called to her once more, bright and clear in her mind- Open your heart. Kagome took a deep breath, trusting the voice, trusting herself. She let her heart lead her power as she delved deeper into the essence of the Well. Through all the colours Kagome saw, there was something she couldn't wrap her head around- somehow, someway, something inside of the Well was afraid. She wasn't sure if it was the Well itself, or some sad creature that had been drawn in by its magic, but she could feel it. She dug deeper, past the purples and the blues, past the greens and the oranges and the hues of red to something at the core of the Well. There, a vibrant but light pink colour pulsed at her presence, responding to her psychic assessment. The colour reminded her of the Shikon, giving her the distinct impression of a powerful emotion she could not quite place. But here, there was no evil, no malice as she had thought there would be before.
Kagome began to second guess her experience in the Well all those years ago. Maybe she had been wrong to fight the Well so strongly, maybe it had just been trying to reach out to her and she had been so blinded, so closed off by fear and despair that she couldn't realise. But there was something more to the Well, and it was reaching out to her again, here and now. It needed her. She couldn't dwell on her guilt of misunderstanding the Well, she needed to be open, to free herself to understand now, in this moment, what it needed from her.
"Listen, I know you're scared. I can feel it too. I- I'm sorry," Kagome began with a shaky voice, squeezing her hands around the wood. The humming lessened underneath her palms as the Well's magic receded. "I lashed out at you last time. I tried to hurt you and I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do, I was scared," she continued. "You scared me, okay. What you showed me, the nothingness, the emptiness. The Beast. The other version of me. It was all too much for me and I didn't know how to handle it."
The wood thrummed, a surge of magic pooling under Kagome's palms. This time, it didn't feel like electricity, it was warm, almost gentle.
"I'm sorry."
Kagome closed her eyes, trying to reach out with her own aura, her magic, her everything, hoping that the Well would understand. She opened her heart to the Well. She poured everything into it, the last few years, the true depth of her fears, the nightmares she faced and the loss of control of her magic. She needed the Well to see her, to feel how hard it had been for her all this time. The warmth spread from her palms, radiating slowly throughout her body. The colours dimmed in her mind's eye and a golden thread of light reached out to her. Kagome followed the thread, and was immediately assaulted by visions of her falling into the void of the Well. She saw herself screaming, crying, begging for it all to stop. She saw the horror on her face when she witnessed the Beast. The visions ceased and the colours resumed before settling into a uniformed grey- the dull hue of regret. She felt the Well's remorse as the warmth coursed through her veins, tickling her magic. The colours shifted, turning into an amber glow that brought only one word to Kagome's mind: help.
"I get it now. I'm so stupid, you were scared too, weren't you? You were asking for my help. You just didn't know how."
The continued warmth moving through her body was the only answer she was given.
"I know what that's like, not being able to ask for help when you need it. Feeling alone. Feeling scared. I think- I think I understand you now. I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to sometimes. I can be…impulsive. It's one of my many loveable character flaws. I think we may be alike in that way. But still, I was wrong to try to hurt you. I want to help you, I truly do, I'm just not ready right now. I'm out of shape and out of practice. I wouldn't last a second against whatever it is that has you so scared. And you're the most powerful being I know. I- I want to be ready for whatever lies in my future. No matter what it ends up being. Can you give me some time? I'm ready now, to get better that is- to get stronger. I wasn't before, but now, I think I am. I just need you to wait for me. Give me a year or two, some time to train, to get ready. Can you do that?"
The Well didn't respond, but when Kagome pulled away from the ledge, there was no push back, no forceful tugging in her chest. It wasn't much, but it was a start. Kagome's heart was hammering in her chest, her brows burrowed into confusion as she pondered the Well. She had never thought of the Well as alive before, but it was clear as day, in its aura, in the way it responded to her. The Well was a thinking, feeling being. She stumbled backwards, the colours of the Well disappearing once she lost contact with it. Kagome stared at her hands as she absentmindedly left the shed. Kagome did not feel fear for the first time in years, instead, she felt incredible. She had faced her fear and came out the better for it in the end, gaining an invaluable insight to life around her. The day- no, her life- was finally turning around for the better. Kagome felt her anxiety melt, her fears recede. She felt on top of the world with hope, looking forward to beginning her training anew. She would start from scratch, running over the training Seima had given her, that her other teachers had given her. She would get stronger, get better until she was ready to face the Beast and whatever else it entailed head on. Kagome felt unstoppable.
"There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you," Sesshoumaru's voice came from high above, making Kagome jump. She hadn't anticipated him, her depleted senses not picking up his aura as he drew near. He descended before her, his white cloud of magic dissipating as he touched the floor. She groaned internally. This had been a long day and Sesshoumaru was the last person she wanted to see. She just wanted to collapse into her bed, savouring finally having a win under her belt.
"What do you want, Sesshoumaru," her surprise at his presence caused a harder edge in her voice than she would have liked.
He winced at her tone, but pushed determinedly forward as he walked up to her. His face glowed in the moonlight, luminescent despite his furrowed brow. Without the shock of seeing him earlier, Kagome had not had a chance to truly study his face. He was just as beautiful as he had always been, but his eyes and his features were a little older. Whereas in the Feudal Era he looked to be about his late twenties or so, now he seemed more mature, like a middle-aged human man. The maturity of his features made him even more handsome to her, as he stood before her, dressed in all white trousers and a fitted white shirt. He looked godly and the fierceness in his gaze struck her. Kagome felt filled with a new sense of fire in her spirit. If he thought he would come here looking angelically gorgeous and she would simply cave before him, he had another thing coming. She would not give in; she was still angry with him for the way he had judged her and berated her like a child earlier. Kagome was many things, but she did not forgive easily.
As if reading her mind, he rolled his eyes saying, "Listen, I know I'm the last person you want to see right now. If it's one thing I know, it's that you're as unforgiving as you are insufferable at times. You could be as mad at me as you want later. Trust me, I already have my apology planned out for being such a selfish, uncaring ass earlier. But we can do all of that after I get you somewhere safe."
Kagome scoffed.
"Kagome, I wouldn't joke about this. Someone dangerous is coming for you. I can't explain everything to you right now- gods, I wish we had more time. I would explain it all to you. We never seem to have enough time," he growled in frustration, "but she's coming. I don't know why, but I think she's coming here. For you."
"There are barely any demons in this time, Sesshoumaru. Besides, I have no enemies. Who would want-"
The clicks came again, filling the night air like a symphony. They sounded like dolphin cries, high pitched and filled with excitement. But these sounds did not bring sparkling joy to Kagome's heart. Instead, they filled Kagome with unmistakeable dread as her pores raised. It was the same sounds she had been hearing all night, but this time, they were louder. They were closer. Sesshoumaru stilled, a growl built up in his throat, growing louder with each passing second as his eyes darted around them for the source of the sound.
"Dammit! She's already here."
Author's Note:
Torii- A torii is a traditional Japanese gate most commonly found at the entrance of or within a Shinto shrine, where it symbolically marks the transition from the mundane to the sacred and a spot where kami are welcomed and thought to travel through.
Komainu statues- Komainu are creatures that look like lions and are often called lion-dogs in English. Pairs are found guarding shinto shrines. Sometimes they are at the entrance and other times they are inside the shrine. They are considered protectors, warding off evil and welcoming visitors to the holy grounds.
Tatsugitsune/ dragon-foxes- The Heavenly Cave story of Amaterasu depicts the goddess as a dragon fox or tatsugitsune. The animal is one which emits light from its body. Also referred to as a tatsukitsune, it is a fox-like dragon with scales similar to baleen (whale teeth) that gives it the appearances of having fur. They are believed to communicate through telepathic images rather than speech and are considered the animal form of the goddess of the sun, Amaterasu.
Chozu-ya- Visitors to a Shinto shrine are expected to stop by a fountain or stone basin filled with water where visitors purify themselves before prayer. This basin is referred to a chozuya.
Shikigami- Shikigami have been seen throughout the animated series of InuYasha several times. According to the Shinto scholar Inoue Nobutaka, it is thought to be some sort of kami, represented by a small ghost. They are conjured beings made alive through a complex conjuring ceremony. Their power is connected to the spiritual force of their master, where if the invoker is well introduced and has much experience, their shiki can possess animals and even people and manipulate them, but if the invoker is careless, their shikigami may get out of control in time, gaining its own will and consciousness and can even raid its own master and kill them in revenge. Usually shikigami are conjured to exercise risky orders for their masters, such as spying, stealing and enemy tracking. Shikigami are said to be invisible most of the time, but they can be made visible by binding them into small, folded and artfully cut paper manikins. There are also shikigami that can show themselves as animals. (source: Wikipedia)