Things the Scoundrels are No Longer Allowed to Do

by thelordofdarkreunion

When you have the greatest trouble-making heroes from nine different galaxies working together, plus their crews, the propensity for shenanigans is high. Therefore, their superiors have decided to make this handy list of things they are no longer allowed to do. (Spin-off story of 'Magnificent Scoundrels'.)

1. Chapter 1

Here we go! This is, as the title, suggests, a list of things the Scoundrels are no longer allowed to do. I hope you all enjoy this comedy piece!

oOo

In response to the myriad of things the self-titled 'Magnificent Scoundrels ' have gotten up to, we have jointly concurred that there are to be new limits set upon them. Therefore, this list has been drafted, and pertains to and encompasses all members of the group, their crews, and anyone they associate with. Any of the following behaviors are hereby prohibited.

Signed,

Amberley Vail, Inquisitor of His Divine Majesty's Most Holy Inquisition, Ordo Xenos

Steven Hackett, Fleet Admiral, Systems Alliance Navy

Margaret Parangosky, Admiral, Office of Naval Intelligence, United Nations Space Command

Abraham Decker, Commodore, United Federation of Planets Starfleet

Sarah Briggs, Commander, Marauder Corps, Frontier Militia

Tala Kelly, Admiral, United Nations Navy

Leia Organa, Head of State, New Republic

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1. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to call Spartan super soldiers "big boys".

2. The Better Business Bureau is not the correct agency for handling people who smuggle Sith holocrons.

3. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to say the phrase "I am in need of a new host body" within earshot of Imperial Inquisitors.

4. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to bargain personnel for their "souls". Even if they say they can get you a good deal.

5. Government equipment is not to be used to bootleg pornography.

6. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to cite Kevin McCallister from Home Alone as a credible source for anti-personnel tactics in official documents.

7. The rumor that Adam Vir wears heelies while in official dress uniform is a blatant lie.

8. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to send spam emails to Ceberus. Even if it is funny.

9. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to apply mind control devices to major political figures.

10. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use time travel devices. Especially if their reasoning is to "screw with those history nerds."

11. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use telepaths to alter or affect the outcomes of reality based television shows.

12. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to trade government property for liquor.

13. "I was bored" is not a valid excuse.

14. The Scoundrels are not allowed to begin a crusade without the written permission of the Imperial Inquisition.

15. Thanos is not to be referred to as "Biggy T".

16. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use fan conventions as recruitment drives.

17. Any proposal which includes the phrase "metric fuck load" is to be denied.

18. The video game Doom is not a credible source.

19. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to allow Starfleet red shirts to be possessed by daemons or ancient Sith Lords.

20. When researching time travel, please refer to the work of the IMC's ARES Division, the Avengers, or the Starfleet, not Doctor Who, Back to the Future, or Call of Duty Zombies.

21. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to accept or use any of the following as currency: your soul, anyone else's soul, firstborn children, memories, memes, blood, organs, virginity, ponies, or eldritch artifacts of unspeakable power.

22. Han Solo is no longer allowed to quote Indiana Jones

23. When asked how she returned from the dead, Shepard is no longer allowed to say "I got better".

24. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use the phrase "goodalicious".

25. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to taunt the Asari about how bad they are at fighting wars without anyone's help.

26. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to chew gum during staff meetings, unless they brought enough for everybody.

27. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to chew gum during staff meetings, even if they did bring enough for everyone.

28. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use Voluses as bowling pins or bowling balls.

29. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to purchase or procure experimental weaponry.

30. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to imply that their superior officers served in World War II. They aren't that old.

31. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use military vehicles to "squish" things.

32. Surprisingly enough, or, perhaps not, considering what's on there, downloading the entirety of 4chan into a Geth Colossus did, in fact, shut it down.

33. Loudspeaker systems are not to be used to broadcast the soundtracks of porno movies.

34. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to drink copious amounts of food coloring before urine tests.

35. When operating military vehicles, the Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt "something I saw in a cartoon".

36. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

37. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to make s'mores while on guard duty.

38. The Illuminati are not a part of the chain of command.

39. Pants are not optional parts of a dress uniform.

40. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to trade military equipment for "magic beans".

41. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to call medics "Dr. Feelgood" unless Feelgood is the medic's actual last name.

42. The God-Emperor of Mankind is not to be referred to as "Big Daddy E" or "The Lord of Bling".

43. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to take the batteries from other peoples' alarm clocks.

44. Unless you are a certified Titan Pilot, you are not allowed to pilot a Titan.

45. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

46. "Challenge accepted" is not a valid excuse for anything.

47. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to claim that they are reincarnations of famous historical figures without proof.

48. Thomas Drake is a human mercenary. He does not possess any of the following: laser eyes, laser nostrils, a laser [CENSORED], an adamantium skeleton, a map leading to "all of the Nazi gold", Mijolnir, the Kronorium, the Necronomicon, the Book of Magnus, "the touch", "the power", "the secret", "the sixth sense", or the ability to distinguish between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!

49. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to start theological debates between members of the Imperial Cult and the Covenant.

50. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to mock Stormtroopers of the Galactic Empire over how bad their aim is. Even if their aim is bad.

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There we have it! I hope you all enjoyed. If you have any questions, comments, criticisms, concerns, or reviews, I'd love to here 'em!