Evangelion: You Shall (not) Win This Time

Episode 6: Yes, We're (really) Doing a Rick and Morty Parody/Killing Time (before) Episode 3's Canon

(Warning: All intellectual properties belong to their respective copyright holders/original creators. EVA to Gainax, Reality Warpers to Yoshi3000, you get the idea.)

(Opening Theme: "Reverse/Rebirth" by Iwagana Hiroaki and Kimijima Asaya)

Ah, morning after the canon events of episode 2, I had 30 days to have Shinji properly trained in the art of Warping, plenty of time to train for myself in order to really get the most out of the Kaio Ken, and what better way to get geared up for it than by watching the season 3 finale of Steven Universe Blackthorned. Seeing Ryker and his team inspired me to form my own team , but I couldn't really do it just yet.

"Well well well, looks like someone is fired up."

I turn around to see Mura in the open frame of the penthouse porch window with a look of determination on her face.

"What brings you here? I thought you were helping the Dai Gurrens with their training."

"Yes, but that doesn't mean that I can't keep tabs on you to make sure you haven't been letting up on your training. I saw your little fight with that human sized Angel monster, and I have to say that you did fairly well. However, there's still room for improvement out of you, so what say you we head to whatever place you hid your GARD and we can get started with a good old sparring session?"

My response: "Alright, just let me get on my training gear first."

30 minutes later and we're at it just like old times, only now it's under 15x Earth's gravity...and she's still managing to kick my ass even with my max safe Kaio Ken being 10x. I considered going to a higher amplification in order to match her level of strength, but she managed to stop me from doing that quickly with some swift strikes and some choice words.

"I already know what you're planning, and quite frankly, I don't approve. Going beyond your maximum safe amplification may be worth it for a short time, but it's also an extremely high risk that could destroy your body in the process. You may have Saiyan and Spiral DNA, but I know for sure that part of you is still human, and that part of you has to acknowledge the risks that come with it, always thinking about what would happen if you run out of Senzu beans or healing items that reduce the risk before you can even finish a fight, always thinking about the possibilities of being torn asunder by your own power, or worse. If you don't stop relying on such a dangerous tactic, you'll never be able to go beyond what you are now."

After a combination of blows, I'm on my ass realizing that she was right. I may have alien space ape DNA fused with energy fueled by the same power source you expect from the green lantern corp, but I was still at the very least 1/3 human. That part of me still had limits, but if I couldn't go beyond them, then I really shouldn't even be here in the first place. I manage to get up to my feet as I feel a sudden surge of power within me and respond to her words "I may still have a human part of me with its own set of limits, but if I've learned anything from these last few months, it's that limits were meant to be broken. And I'm going to break through those limits right now!"

With one mighty shout, I can feel myself changing. Well apparently I left Mura in a state of shock at this as she responds to me "Holy crap, you can turn into a False Super Saiyan now!"

"False Super Saiyan"...where have I heard that before? I head towards a nearby mirror to see that my appearance had taken on a near Super Saiyan like quality. My Ki field had shifted from green to an yellow green mixed with elements of goldenrod and my hair had been spiked up to normal Super Saiyan quality, except that it was still my natural dark brown with only light traces of greenish yellow. Needless to say, I was pretty surprised myself.

"Okay, this is new...and I gotta say that I'm liking it so far. Now then, how about we get back down to business?"

Mura's reply: "Game on, kid. Don't hold back."

A solid 2 hours of sparing later with most of our matches ending in either her beating me or in stalemates, and the two of us were sitting down on the GARD's floor with the gravity back to normal.

"Well you definitely showed some serious improvement out there, even unlocking a new transformation."

"I know, I'm pretty proud of myself today too. Hey uh, what extent of power magnification does this False Super Saiyan transformation do anyway? I know that the base transformation provides a 50x boost, 2 provides 100x, 3 provides 400x and 4 gives out a x4000 power boost, so what does the incomplete one do?"

Mura responds to my question by saying that the Order of Reality tends to use the Ed Edd n Eddy Z power amplification guide to reference False Super Saiyan, meaning that it dishes out a power amplification of 40x the user's base power.

"Forty times my base power is all fine and dandy, but I have a hunch that these Angel "heralds" are only gonna get tougher and tougher with each passing one, which means that I gotta really be at the top of my game if I wanna go even further beyond this. Maybe even hit Super Saiyan Blue."

Mura just looks at me with a smile on her face and replies "You Saiyans and your push to better yourselves even further. Well if you ever want my help, I'll be around every 3 days or so to check up on you, so be ready for me."

"Will do."

Back home again after that little adventure and I feel stronger than ever sitting on the couch flipping through channels on the old interdimensional cable feed. A few shows manage to catch my attention: a version of Garo where some of the Total Drama girls fill the roles of the Makai knights and priests/priestesses, a Disney high school AU show where the characters play Cardfight Vanguard, even a version of Storm Hawks where the cast play Duel Monsters instead of going to war with one another with the added bonus of there being no Link monsters or rules that came with Link Summoning involved and there being 100 new "Number" monsters thrown into the mix. Dimensional cable is all fine and dandy, but it got me to want to explore what the local cable feeds had to offer. So I switch to the feed of Tokyo 3. I knew that Adult Swim branched off into its own channel in this timeline, but I was a tad bit surprised at something I found on their version of Cartoon Network: an alternate version of Friendship is Magic which often crosses over with the Transformers franchise. I had to wonder why this wasn't on their version of Discovery Family or the HUB or whatever they called it here, so I did a little bit of homework and discovered 3 unique little details about this world:

1: Apparently there were some similarities between this world's tv landscape and the one from Steven Universe Blackthorned with some somewhat major differences. Instead of adding Harvey Beaks into their Sanjay & Craig, Pig Goat Banana Cricket and Breadwinners movie, Viacom robbed the film of its one saving grace by adding Fanboy and Chum Chum. The end result lead to Paramount cutting all ties to Viacom right before they went bankrupt...and at just the right time too because Viacom was just about ready to launch another copyright armageddon that would've made YouTube even more of a warzone than it was on Earth Prime.

2: As a result of the Viacom fallout, many Nicktoons were split between Disney and Cartoon Network, who opted to step up their games in terms of the quality of their shows. Teen Titans Go was canned after only one season, leading to Cartoon Network delaying all future reboots to do some massive quality control with Disney following suit with Gargoyles coming back to multiple awards and being on the verge of a 6th season with Kim Possible and American Dragon: Jake Long following suit.

3: Disney now owned a fair portion of Toei's live action department, localizing shows like Kamen Rider as Power Rider who were now in the middle of adapting Kamen Rider Blade along with making their own Metal Heroes shows and being more truthful to Super Sentai adaptations through Power Rangers. On the other hand, Cartoon Network managed to score a huge deal with broadcasting Hasbro shows, leading to stuff like Transformers and FiM crossing over frequently as I had previously mentioned.

Here I am, watching the Cutie Mark Crusaders control Superion like he was some sort of megazord against Bruticus and Devastator while Twilight and Optimus were working alongside Fluttershy and a version of Star Saber that became a Transformer after being a sword for so long to take on a Transformer-fied Tirek and King Sombra who had formed their own faction named after the Terrorcons, minding my own business when Eria comes up to me with a package in hand.

"Mr. Bishops, do you happen to know a J. Blackthorn? Because they sent a package for you."

I had an idea who sent it, but I simply reply "I know of A J. Blackthorn, but I haven't met them face to face. Best you set it on the counter, I'll deal with it personally."

"Alright, but why so jumpy all of a sudden? Is this guy bad news?"

I didn't have a good response for her that wouldn't reveal the secret, so I just carefully open the package to reveal...a rice cooker? Why would someone send me this, let alone a Blackthorn? At least it

included a note, and it confirmed what I was concerned about reading:

"Have fun with your new toy! P.S. the app you'll get on your Warper device will auto-activate so Ami will obey your voice.

Cheers,

Josho"

No doubt a ploy to get me into joining his campaign of chaos and destruction no doubt, but like hell I was gonna dump everything I was planning for this world just to cause senseless death and destruction. However I had to ask why he would name a rice cooker "Ami" of all things. Of course I cautiously open the lid after gesturing Eria to stay back as what happened next could only be described as a little sexy and a whole lotta crazy as the next thing I know, my phone starts going crazy until out of the smoke comes...one of the 7 daughters of Aku from Samurai Jack season 5, buck naked as the day she was born as my phone finally calms down before saying "King's App installed and ready to open."

Eria was somewhat freaking out as Lyna and Wynn came out into the living room with Lyna having this strange look of confusion and arousal along with Wynn blushing blood red. I could've said that things couldn't possibly get worse...but they did as Jessie made her way into living room.

"Mr. Bishops, I need you to...what in the 5 hells is going on here?!"

Well, keeping the secret from these guys was no longer an option, so it's time to spill the beans.

"Alright! I know you guys have some pretty serious questions right now, so I'm going to come clean with something that I wanted to tell you guys, but I couldn't find the right words to deal it out."

(Warning: the following scene will either be muted with elevator muzak or have cut to an alternate image during its initial airing due to the risk of having characters that shouldn't be Warpers gaining 4th wall awareness, so if you see this "*", that means that the audio will resume as normal. Alright, let's get this over with.)

"Alright, it basically goes like this: I'm technically not what you would call a human in the conventional sense. You see, I was born in a dimensional plane called Earth Prime, where your universe was created as an extent of what is known as a "Prime" timeline of a fictional work created by what is known as a Reality Warper. Technically I'm what is considered to be the most powerful breed of Warper known as a level 10, who has the ability to traverse alternate timelines with ease through the creation of portals made of what is known as the Flames of Creation, the very lifeforce that all beings are made of be they fictional or not. And now that I've just told you this, it makes you all Reality Warpers as well."*

Needless to say, everyone had their fair share of questions involving the multiverse and exactly why there was a nude female in my living room. Thankfully, I had a diversion to help build up answers in the form of a familiar face.

"Holy Jesus, Joseph and Mary Lou Rhetton, pops! Are you intending to tell the whole universe the Warper's secret?"

"Tulio, trust me when I say that this was completely not my intention at all. I was going to tell them at a later date when all of the Angels and NERV were dealt with, but things got out of hand."

Of course the appearance of one of my OCs leads Eria to ask "Who are you and what is going on here? Seriously, Wynn's kinda freaking out hardcore, and we'd like some closure."

She wasn't wrong, the green haired member of the maid trio was in the fetal position rocking back and forth muttering some sort of nonsense that would make her seem like a crazy person.

"Everyone, this is Tulio Rodriguez. One of my OCs made on Earth Prime and a representative of the Order of Reality: the governing party of all Reality Warpers. His job is primarily to help new Reality Warpers like you guys get settled into life beyond being fictional."

"More or less. If you guys could just fill out this paperwork, I can have you guys registered with the Order and you guys can be officially be considered level 4 Warpers."

Lyna winds up asking "If we're supposed to be level 4 and he's level 10, what level are you supposed to be and how does the whole level thing even work anyway?"

Rodriguez's reply: "Well I'm glad you asked, because the whole level system is a little bit more complex than you guys would believe. See, you guys were level 3, meaning that you didn't have 4th wall awareness until now, which makes you level 4. With training, you guys could go up to level 5 which would give you the power to alter the universe you're in in various ways until you eventually reach level 6, the most common Warper rank of all where you guys would be able to traverse the multiverse freely. As for me, I'm technically a level 8 Warper, which means that I was an original character created to serve as an extension of a level 7 Warper, AKA the guys who are responsible for making all of the alternate timelines that we can mess with via fan works, and with enough training of my abilities, I could reach level 9, the second most powerful rank there is."

Jessie then interrupts by saying "If we're all original characters like you are, then how are you a level 8 and we're only level 4?"

"I was getting to that. You see, characters that were inspired by characters from already existing properties, be they classified as OCs or not are technically treated as level 4 upon learning the secret. As far as I know, you guys were created to act as what if scenarios of what if a certain character was involved in a different universe compared to the one they originated from."

With more questions in their heads than answers, the four of them sign the paperwork before handing them back to Tulio who hands them their "Welcome to Reality Warping" gift baskets which he spawned out of his tablet.

"You know pops, we really should hang out sometime when people aren't getting filled in on our little secret."

"No doubt about that. After all, you are to an extent my son, I really oughta be there for my creations."

That's when he tells me that he had an off day next week after dealing with a huge surge of Warpers from the Senran Kagura, Dead or Alive and Storm Hawks timelines, even going on to tell me about one of his co-workers who had to register a Master Cyclonis who had gotten Mangekyou Sharingan from a dying Warper version of Madara Uchiha, almost got completely fried him to a crisp due to not being able to control her use of Amaterasu.

"Holy crap, is he alright?"

He answers "Yeah, nothing some time in one of those healing chambers at the St. Cygnus Hyuga burn ward can't fix. Anyway, I better get moving. Lots of Warpers to register, too few people to register them, you get the idea. See ya' next week, pops. We'll get some of those wings from that one Beach City I told you about."

After he exits the room back to wherever he needs to go, I was left with 5 women, one an apparently mindless slave without clothing looking for answers.

"Listen you guys, I had the full intention of telling you about this, just under different circumstances where the world wasn't still on the brink of destruction at the hands of gigantic Eldrich freaks of nature from space. I truly am sorry that you guys had to learn about Reality Warping this way, and if any of you wants to back out of working with me now, then I won't stop you."

The responses I got from the 4 of them who had free will were...surprisingly positive to say the least.

Jessie was first to reply by going "If we're to stay on board as part of your staff, we'll need to be filled in on all important details regarding this so called reality and how we can alter things to best suit...whatever it is you're here to do."

"Deal. I'll be sure to send you all of the source material that people draw from when creating fan works so you can get the basics of what we're expecting if we don't do anything."

Wynn's was something that I could've easily expected: "Um, i-is there some sort of service for people like me who aren't exactly taking this in stride, because I'm seriously having a hard time with this, and I'd rather not have a heart attack because of it."

"I can look into some stuff like support groups for this kind of thing if you want. Hopefully they can help."

Lyna was just spamming me with questions like "does this mean that we can have actual Lightsabers?', "What's the Warper stance on poly relationships?", "If we know about the 4th wall, does this mean that we can have our own episodes dedicated to us?", stuff like that to which I reply "Yes.", "Well since harem ownership is a thing among them, I'd say you guys are perfectly fine.", and "Probably." while Eria was asking about what exactly I had in mind for their world while I was here.

"My main goal is to make sure that both the Angels and the group pulling the strings behind NERV along with the rest of the world, SEELE don't manage to win out in the end, expose NERV for the bunch of hypocritical, slackjawed peons they are, and maybe help Unit-01's pilot not be tricked into destroying the world, which kinda ties into the whole SEELE thing."

Well, now that I've managed to hopefully get them on my side again, I needed to make a phone call.

"Come on, pick up. Merch, thank god. Listen, I've got a bit of a situation, and...wait, you've been watching the whole thing? Alright look, I got a nude ninja assassin turned into a mindless drone in my house and I could seriously do with some clothes for her. Can you help me or not? Wait, I have a bounty on my head? 22,000,000 dimensional credits?! What do you mean that killing an Angel from Evangelion is technically considered a crime?! Alright, we'll deal with this later, can you just hook me up with some clothes for this lady, please? Really, you'd be willing to throw in some extra stuff in exchange for a few Mega Seeds? Yeah, sure, no problem. I'll have it ready for you tomorrow at the earliest."

Almost instantly after I hang up, Eria asks "Who were you talking too?"

"A traveling merchant that goes by the name of Merch who sells stuff from across the multiverse that I've done business with before. He's agreed to trade me some clothes for our new house guest along with a few other things that should help the plan go a bit smoother in exchange for a few Mega Seeds from Rick and Morty."

She adds "That doesn't explain why you talked about 22,000,000 dimensional credits. Is that what it's gonna cost to get all that, or is there something else we need to know?"

Well, I've come clean about a fair amount of stuff to these guys, might as well come clean about this.

"Let's just say that I may or may not have a little side gig of not only helping Shinji destroy the last angel along with that freaky herald thing that was with it, but also another Warper who was in leagues with a family of seriously evil Warpers who wanted to enslave an entire universe, and as a result I got rigged with a price on my head by a former member of the Order's elite council and another version of said Warper who was pretty butthurt about having another version of himself be killed by me."

Which Lyna adds on to the conversation by asking "Wait, you're the vigilante that the news was talking about earlier this morning? Also, how you gonna do the thing with the seed things?"

"Yes, and I'll have to bring along someone to get them with me tomorrow. Merch said that he'd send me a couple pairs of gravity manipulation boots that should make the job a bit easier. Luckily this should give me a chance to start Shinji's training."

That's when Jessie asks "Wait, you're planning on making him one of us too?"

"We'll need everyone we can get on our side with a reason to take down NERV, and that kid has plenty."

"My, it looks like ol' Joshinari is trying to sway you to his side."

At that moment, the 5 of us with actual free will turn our heads and see that Mura was coming out of my kitchen with a bottle of Pitch Black in hand, which leads Wynn to start partially freaking out again and Jessie to go "Oh, what fresh hell is this?"

"Everyone calm down, this is Mura Kage, an ex member of a Warper branch of the Time Patrol and the Majin responsible for teaching me everything that I know about Warper skills and combat training. What brings you here, and more importantly, how did you get in without me sensing you?"

Her answer for me: "I sensed Josho's energy within that rice cooker and rushed over expecting you to be caught up in some sort of trap, but I wasn't expecting him to give you a gift, and a fine one at that. A mindless drone most likely to be used as a living sex doll that's not only completely purified and innocent, but with their hymen completely intact, I think you've hit a gold mine. Daughters of Aku are a hot commodity when it comes to cloning and sexual servitude, and one of the lesser ones like this one that aren't Ashi should still pull in a pretty penny."

Of course this pretty much left everyone else mortified as Jessie just blurts out "Wait, slavery's still a thing among Warpers?!"

"More like sex slavery is a thing, Warpers can't enslave one another by order of the Law of Neutrality. Ami here was still a level 3 when her programming was done to her and sent to our dear friend Bishops. You see, Warper morals can be a tad bit more loose compared to those who haven't leveled up yet for the most part. Take those three cuties in the maid outfits for example, those three are in a poly relationship with one another and if they wanted their own living sex dolls or wanted to start a harem, or do anything else outside of destroying a Prime timeline which all other realities spawn from, travel to Earth Prime, or commit any form of sexual misconduct with a non-consensual partner, nobody would bat an eye. Same thing goes for you and your boss here."

This leaves the red head to stammer before going "This is too much. Please tell me you guys have at least a bottle of white Pinot in this place." with Lyna replying, "Uh, Mr. Bishops doesn't drink alchohol, and the three of us are only still 19, or in Wynn's case 19 1/2, soooooooo..."

"Of course not."

(POV Shift: Shinji)

Holy crap, 2 hours at this school that the old man decided to dump me in for an "education", and I already hate it. Sure, things were fine during homeroom, introduce myself, find out where my desk was, get greeted by the class rep, all that crap. But oh lordy, did things to downhill after after that. Yeah, do you remember when I used quotes around the word "education"? Well, there really isn't any to be found here! All we really got so far is the teacher spouting on and on about Second Impact, which would've been fine if it was History class, but he's been going on an on about it throughout all of Literacy, Science, and currently Math! I may not be the best at math (yeah yeah, Asian stereotypes and all that crap), but I'm pretty sure that the square root of 100 isn't a meteor crashing into the South Pole. What I wouldn't give right now for something to get me out of this.

"Shinji Ikari, please report to the main office. There is someone here to see you."

An excuse to get out of this crap fest, I'll take it. Getting up from my chair, I make my way to the main office, only to find that Bishops guys waiting for me, telling me that I've been made part of a special apprenticeship program where I don't have to be here. It may seem shady, but as far as I see it, I'd rather take this than going back to an old fart prattling on about Second Impact during every class.

"Thank god you busted me out of that crap shack, I swear I think that douchebag I'm forced to call my old man purposely rigged it so that I'd wind up in the worst school possible."

"Yeah, I'm starting to think that too since this is the only school in Tokyo 3, and all the good schools are in Tokyo 2. Anyway, I need your help with something a bit personal. It's a bit of a risk, but I could be able to make some serious bank on it, and I'm more than willing to offer you a cut. Interested?"

Well, it beats "school", so I reply "Alright, what're we doing?"

That's when he has me follow him to a secluded alleyway as he pulls out some sort of freaky gun thing and fires it, creating some sort of green vortex thing as he gestures me to step through it. What was on the other side? Something that could be in some sort of science fiction parody cartoon.

"Where the hell are we?"

Bishops then replies "Dimension 35-C, this place has the perfect climate for a special type of tree: Mega Trees. And from those Mega Trees sprout Mega Fruits, which yield a special kind of seeds: Mega Seeds, Shinji. An associate of mine is looking into new weaponry that could help the military actually be of use in the fight against the Angels, and since he's too busy working on the nuts and bolts of the matter, he asked me to help get the seeds for him. They're very important for this guy's research and that's why I need your help to get them. I can't do it all on my own, I only have two hands and a short amount of time to get 'em."

A fetch quest in some sort of alternate dimension for stuff that could make my job even easier? Sounds too good to be true. There was just one little problem though: I was pretty sure that if Misato found out that I wasn't in school and on a job with the guy who even my "dad" can't touch without her possible knowing, pretty sure that we'd both be screwed over in the long run.

"Uh, this is pretty cool and all, but you did remember to tell Misato about this, right? After all, NERV did technically stick me under her care."

"Don't worry about it. Now come on, we got work to do."

"But how are we supposed to get to these Mega Whatevers when I'm pretty sure neither of us know where they are?"

"Trust me kid, I know what I'm doing. I mean it's not like some big monster is gonna sneak up behind us and...oh holy crap, run, Shinji, run! I've never dealt with one of those things up close before, I've only heard of 'em on the internet, we gotta run!"

I swear, I've seen the kind of monster that's chasing us on TV somewhere before. We would've been done for if Bishops hadn't grabbed me right before he jumped higher than anyone should possibly be able to, landing us on some sort of cliff. When I ask about it, he tells me that "he has a good trainer, and that he can actually teach me how to do it". If I weren't so impressed, I'd question every aspect of what he just said. Luckily we wound up near where we needed to be.

"Ok, I'm ready to go back to school now."

"What's with you and that school anyway? That place is a garbage dump that doesn't give a crap about education. You stick with me, you'll get to learn how to do amazing things, go to places beyond your imagination, meet people who you'd never get to meet if you were stuck in that stupid school."

That's when he realizes what was below the cliff.

"Shinji, do you know what those are just below the cliff?"

"The Mega Trees?"

"Yes, the Mega Trees with the Mega Fruits that bear the Mega Seeds, the seeds that we came here to get, Shinji. Now all we need to do is get down there and fill up a basket's worth, and I got us just the thing to get us down there."

Bishops then whips out a couple pairs of boots with lights and buttons and loads of sci-fi stuff as he explains that they allow the wearer to defy the laws of gravity and allow us to walk on walls and stuff. I get mine on and walk off the cliff...only to fall down and break my legs. So here I am, in excruciating pain with him just walking down the cliff face like it was nothing. Where's the fairness in that?!

"I guess you didn't turn the boots on first, kid. Really a good idea to turn the boots on before you go walking down the face of a cliff and stuff. Kinda like, gravity defying boot use 101 there."

I can't fucking believe this. My legs are broken and I'm in more pain than I should legally be allowed to be, and he chooses NOW of all times to give me a lecture on how to use footwear?!

"You gotta be freaking kidding me! I just got turned into a freaking paraplegic, and you choose now of all times to lecture me about how to use a fucking pair of boots?! FIX MY LEGS!"

"Okay, okay. I'm gonna go get something that should fix you right up. Don't move, I'll be right back."

You gotta be kidding me! he leaves through a portal and just ditches me here to fend for myself with a pair of broken beyond all belief legs!

"You can't just leave me here! If that thing comes back, I'm done for! GET BACK HERE AND FIX MY LEGS, YOU ASSHOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!"

Well how did you expect me to react, my legs were busted on some freak alien world where there was more than a fair share of things out to get me with the guy who I'm supposed to put my faith in just up and running off through a portal. It was Carson City all over again. Next thing I know while my eyes were shut, I could feel something being injected in me as I open my eyes to see that Bishops guy actually pull through with some sort of injection device in hand.

"What did you just stick me with?"

His reply: "Relax, this stuffs called "Pure Curem". It can bring anyone back from the brink of annihilation, and it should start working for you right about...now."

He wasn't kidding. Next thing I know, I can feel my legs piecing themselves back together again, and when it was all said and done, not only could I stand and walk like I used to, but I realized that I had never felt better in my entire life.

"Feel better now?"

"Actually, yeah. I feel great, better than I've ever felt before in fact."

Wow, glad to know that he actually cared enough to actually pull through.

"So what do you say, Shinji? Feel like helping me get those seeds?"

I might as well repay him. I figure out how to turn those stupid boots on and we start harvesting the fruit from those trees for their seeds (that sounded a lot creepier than it should've, didn't it?), and things were actually going pretty smooth...until we started getting chased by some sort of gun toting space farmer spouting some sort of gibberish in an accent that was too thick to really understand. Luckily, we managed to get out of there with every seed me managed to grab. Getting home however...proved to be a bit more trouble than expected. How so? Well when Bishops tried to use that portal gun thing to get us home, let's just say that results were less than desirable.

"Oh crap. I forgot to charge my portal gun last night, and I forgot my pair of Dimensional Scissors at home."

"Wait, Dimensional Scissors?"

"I'll explain those later, but unfortunately, it looks like we'll have to go through Customs to get home."

I had to ask this: "Really? You're worried about Customs? What's so bad about Customs here considering what we just had to deal with?"

"Let's just say that Customs here isn't like the kind you'd expect to see of New Chicago O'Hare. They deal with things a little bit differently."

Yeesh, he wasn't kidding. I swear it looked like everyone there was either coming or going from some sort of sci-fi convention. I mean we had roach people, battle droids from Star Wars, even some of those space octopus people from Fairly Odd Parents, you know the ones I'm talking about. If I've learned anything from today, it's that anything that can go wrong will.

"It's Desmond Bishops, the feared Reality Warper who defeated the Warper Tribunal's Jerry Smith along with the Angel Sachiel!"

"There's a reward on his head for 22,000,000 Dimensional Credits, let's get him!"

I'll have to ask about that "Reality Warper" comment later, right now getting out of here alive was top priority. We were trying to escape laser fire when I managed to get an idea: climb the walls to start vaulting booth ceilings using those damn boots. Believe it on not, it actually worked.

"Great thinking, Shinji. Now we just have to hop across these booths to hopefully find something like a larger built into the building portal device, rig it to get us home, and call it a day."

"If we survive, that is."

We manage to make our way to this giant portal as Bishops starts trying to program us a way home, but not before handing me some sort of laser gun.

"Shinji, I know I'm asking a lot of you for this, but I need you to take down any two bit bounty hunter that comes our way until I can get us out of here and back to Tokyo 3."

"You do realize that I haven't had any formal firearm training, right?"

"Just point the gun at one of them and pull the trigger, simple as that."

No time to argue about it now, because the angry mob that followed us was right on our tail, making me shoot for dear life to save our skins. I even managed to hit a battle droid if you'd believe that.

"Glen's bleeding out! Someone call his wife and children!"

That had to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard from a robot ever.

"Really? That joke doesn't even work if you're not organic, I hope you realize that!"

"You can argue about the logic of Rick and Morty humor with robots later, kid. Right now, I just need you to keep shooting until I can get us out of here!"

A couple moments later, and he finally managed to get the portal thing locked onto home. Bishops gestured me to go through while he was carrying the seeds right as one of the loose ones that wound up on the floor got shot at, and I swear, a piece of it landed right in my mouth.

"I think I swallowed a chunk of one."

"We'll deal with that when we get back, now hurry!"

(P.O.V Shift: Desmond (me)

Back home at the penthouse with the cargo at hand at last, thank god! It seemed like we were in the clear and Ami was off somewhere with the maids. Things were looking good...until I saw Misato and Ritsuko were standing in the living room with us, and they were not amused.

"Care to explain to me why my ward was pulled from school for unknown reasons without my knowing?"

We were in the soup, and I had to get us out fast. So I had to make up some story and I had to think of it quick.

"Misato, you and I both know that the school Gendo dropped the boy in is absolute garbage. The teachers are far too incompotent for their own good, and all that happens there outside of PE is some old nuckfut going on and on about Second Impact in every class when there isn't any need for it. I pulled Shinji out of there in order to give him the chance to learn things that he can actually use. Stuff that's gonna get him a lot further in life than he would be with that crap shack."

Yeah, they weren't buying it as Misato responds "Yeah, I don't buy it at the very least."

"Alright, I'll prove it. Shinji, what's the square root of pi?"

"What are you-"

"Square root of pi. Chop chop."

"1.77245385. Whoa."

That caught 'em by surprise as Ritsuko replies "What the hell?"

"How about the first law of thermodynamics?"

"The increment in the inertial energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system. What the?"

"What about the basics of Occam's Razor?"

"Occam's Razor states that when presented with competing hypotheses to solve a problem, one should select the solution with the fewest assumptions."

"And finish them off with the lore of the Book of Five Rings."

"The Book of Five Rings was originally written by legendary Samurai Miyamoto Musashi in 1645 which focuses on translating the aspects of martial arts into entering a state of Zen like mastery which many businesses and schools of fighting have implemented into their ideals to this day. Sweet mother of."

I had 'em on the ropes now, time to finish 'em off by adding a few more choice words.

"See, I told you that school was stupid. You can't learn anything from that place except Second Impact. Shinji's a gifted young lad with a mind that would've been wasted there, which is why you guys should let me mentor him. With my help, he'll be accomplishing great things in the future after all this Angel madness is over. He's way too smart for that school, he needs to hang out with me and learn how to really do things that can actually help make this planet less of a hell hole."

Well, they knew they were beat. Next thing to come out of Misato's lips: "Okay, we might have...overreacted a little bit, and for that, we apologize. I guess if it's offering results like that, I guess we can let you be Shinji's mentor. But only if he's okay with it. And he has to attend at least one class at the high school per day."

It was at that moment that Shinji realized what I was getting at, and responded "Misato, after spending more than enough time at that school for one day, I think I can wholeheartedly say that I would rather be this guy's apprentice than spend another full day there. Mr. Bishops, you have yourself a deal."

"Glad to have you on board, kid."

Misato was actually surprised at how professional that Shinji and I were being about this, leading her to reply "Alright. Well, Rits and I have to take care of some things back at NERV, be sure to have Shinji home before sundown."

"Will do, Ms. Katsuragi. Take care."

As soon as those two were gone, I quickly injected the kid with a syringe from a med kit that was next to the portal that I grabbed right before we left and after he said he swallowed a piece of Mega Seed.

"Ow! Okay, one: what did you put in me now? And two: how is hanging around you making me smart?"

"Full disclosure, Shinji, it isn't. At least not yet anyway. Temporary super intelligence is a side effect of the Mega Seed chunk in your stomach dissolving, and the stuff I injected you with is gonna make the other side effect a whole lot easier to deal with. You see, the other side effect of those Mega Seeds being ingested by humans results in massive organ failure and death by...you don't wanna know. With what was in that needle, it'll only be as bad as a mild stomach virus which would take effect right about...now."

I can almost instantly see the look on his face change before rushing towards the bathroom and starting to blow chunks.

(Fair warning: you might wanna put on the track that plays whenever Rick goes into one of his glorious rants when you read this next part. Just saying.)

"I'm sorry, Shinji. I know, it sucks, but in this reality, you're still as dumb as they come. We were lucky that we were able to keep the seeds from falling into the wrong hands and being able to get Misato and the rest of NERV off our backs. And once you're all patched up, you and I are gonna go get some more, and then we'll go on another adventure after that, Shinji. But I'm gonna need you to keep your mouth shut about it, Shinji, because this world if full of idiots who don't know what's important, and they'll try to tear us apart, Shinji. But if you stick with me, kid, we're gonna accomplish great things, Shinji, and you're gonna be a part of them. The outside world save for a few people who'll come along later on are our enemy, Shinji. Other than those guys I mentioned earlier, Shinji, we're the only people we can count on, Shinji. It's just like Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty and their adventures, Shinji. Rick and Morty forever and ever and Morty's things. You, me, those guys, Rick and Morty running around, shooting lasers from our hands, and making a difference, Shinji and Rick and Morty time. All day long, every day forever, all 100 days. Rick and Mory all 100 times, rickandmorty dot com. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures dot come. www dot rickandmorty dot com. All 100 years, over and over, www dot rickandmortyadventures dot com.

For a quick moment, the kid lifts his head out of the toilet and goes "What the hell are you even talking about?!" before going right back at it again.

"Sorry about that, I guess I kinda went into a bit of a rant mode there. Oh, and uh, probably not the best time to say this, but you're welcome for saving your skin. Twice."

(Ending Theme: for the sake of parody like the whole second half of this episode was, we'll be using the ending theme to Rick and Morty)

(Current Power Levels:

Desmond Bishops (me): 238,700/(Max Safe Kaio Ken: 2,863,400 at x12)/9,548,000 in False Super Saiyan

Mura Tenin: 3,384,000

Shinji Ikari: 406* (*= Power level and Ki use unavailable due to lack of training and only being a level 3 Warper)

Misato Katsuragi: 5

Wynn Miyabi: 4 1/2

Eria Aoi: 5

Lyna Hikari: 5

Ami (Earth Dimension SJ-12639706): 300

Jessaline Musashi: 6

Tulio Rodriguez: 731,840

Gendo Ikari: 6

Rei Ayanami (Rei II): 519* (Rei clones are born with a base power level of 100 due to their mixture of human and Angel DNA and grow in power the longer they are inside their giant LCL tank. Rei III and possible other future clones will be more powerful upon release due to this factor. Ki use also unavailable due to the same reasons as Shinji.)

Ritusko Akagi: 4

Maya Ibuki: 4

Shigiru Aoba: 4

Mokoto Hyuga: 3

Fuyutsuki: 4

Others to Come: ?

(Author's Note: Next time, Desmond meets the heads of the Blackthorn clan face to face and the canon events of episode 3 happen with some major tweaks. And if Yoshi3000 is reading this, 1: consider this an early birthday present, and 2: if there are still some spacing issues, I tried to figure out how to make the spacing on the dialogue and P.O.V. Shifts better, but I couldn't figure out a way. Sorry.)