Dear Diary,

I wish I had somewhere to go. Sometimes, I feel like writing in here is my only escape. I had a huge fight with mom today, and tensions between me and her are really high right now.

It all started when I asked her if I could take some time off this weekend from training for my Emperor's Coven tryouts. I've had a lot on my plate at school lately, and I just needed a day or two to recharge. As usual, she said no, and told me to keep at it.

Here's where I went wrong: I actually challenged her decision for once. I don't think I've ever done it before, I've always been too scared to do it. Now, I wasn't rude about it, I simply asked why I couldn't take two days off. Tryouts are like four months away, would two days without studying or sparing kill me?

Of course, she thinks it would, and for challenging her, she added another two hours of sparring to my training regimen. Since I spar with some of dad's failed Abomaton soldier prototypes, I would be the only one who was truly punished. Okay, I walked into that one. I'll take that punishment.

What she said next though reaaallly pissed me off. She said that Ed and Em wouldn't challenge her like that, and they would just go and train on their own like "good little children". At least, that's what she thought. I know when they said they were going to The Knee to practice spells, they were really going to the Market Place to hang out with their friends and shop for clothes.

I didn't want to snitch on them, but I just had to tell mom about the time they left illusions of themselves in homeroom so they could skip class and hang out with their friends behind the grudgby bleachers. And the time Edric almost set half the forest on fire with one of his homemade fireworks. And the time Emira brought a girl over when mom and dad weren't home, without their knowledge of course.

Mom told me to "quit being petty" and to just get started on my homework, and threatened to add a 3,000-word essay due to her the next morning on top of it. She told me that I wouldn't get anywhere in life by nitpicking every little thing and trying to get everyone in trouble for my personal gain. To be real though, isn't that how she's running her company?

It's not fair! I'm the only one who knows Ed and Em aren't perfect. Why do they keep getting away with things? Why am I always the one to suffer the brunt of the punishment for everyone else's wrongdoings? Why am I always the one to get singled out for everything, the good or the bad? Mom expects perfection and then some out of me, and it's not like I'm constantly slacking off and ignoring my responsibilities. I'm trying my hardest to juggle everything and look good in front of everyone. I'm not entirely doing it for myself, either. I have to make my family look good, we have a reputation to keep up. If I do something bad enough, it could cost my family business. And the fallout of that is something I don't even wanna begin to imagine. Sometimes, I just wanna shrink into nothing. I don't always want to be the center of attention, but somehow that's how my life works. I'm always in someone's view, and I feel like I'm constantly being judged on something.

Kinda off-topic, but the other day, I called my teacher mom again. I was in an afternoon EC study session with her, and she called for my attention while I was zoned out and reading my Bonesborough history textbook. She didn't mind it at all, she considers all her students her children, but it was still embarrassing for me. If I'm being honest, she's one of the only people I consider to be a mother-like figure to me, aside from Emira. Sometimes, I consider them more of a mom than the one who gave birth to me. Like, when I was starting witch puberty a few weeks ago, mom had no desire to help me with all the craziness that I was going through. Apparently, she was too busy closing some business deals with the Baker's Coven. Emira ended up being the one who told me about what was going on (aside from what I already learned in school), and she even grabbed me some supplies from the Healing and Potion Covens to help me feel better. Okay, I don't think the chocolate-covered eyeballs she got me were from them, but I still appreciated the gesture. By the time that hellish week was over, mom still hadn't checked up on me, leaving me feeling like I was on a desolate island in the middle of the Boiling Sea.

When I brought up how she made me feel, she told me that I can't always expect someone to be there for me, and that I have to learn how to take care of myself. Well sorry, mom, this is my first time going through this, I was scared! I told her that I knew I needed to start taking care of myself (something I've been doing since I was a kid), but I told her that it didn't negate my feelings. Tired from a busy day, she simply shooed me off and told me we would continue our conversation later. We never did.

Why am I not entitled to feel my own emotions? Whenever I bring something up to my parents, unless it's about me getting into the Emperor's Coven, they never take it seriously. And whenever I want to say something that even slightly goes against what they want, they tell me to hold my tongue. Well, I'm done staying quiet! I deserve to be able to do, to think, to feel! It feels like everything I say and do is dictated for me, like I'm some sort of puppet. I'm tired of being used as a pawn in someone else's story. I'm sick of it! I am my own person with a lot of worth and potential within me, and it's time I start acting like it.

Maybe mom was right, I'm gonna start looking out for myself.

Destined and determined,
Amity