Disclaimer: SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. I own nothing.
A/N: I want to thank you all for the overwhelming response to Chapter 1 of Lighthouse. It has been a truly humbling experience reading all of your reviews, as well as seeing all of your follows and favorites for this story. I hadn't expected it, and it means the world to me. I hope you will all continue to enjoy the read as we take this emotional journey together.
They stood there for endless minutes, embracing in the doorway. Finally, it was Olivia who pulled away. She was convinced this was somehow all a dream, a figment of her imagination. Taking a step backwards into the safety of the cottage, she tugged Elliot in with her. He followed, closing the door behind him.
"Is this for real? Am I imagining you?"
"I'm here, Liv. An honest-to-goodness corporeal being. Do you need to punch me in order to believe it? Go on, I know I deserve it."
His offer was tempting, she had to give him that. But the only effect his words had on her at the moment was to make her laugh – something she hadn't been able to do with genuine feeling in ages. The lightness that had temporarily taken over was quickly replaced once again by the heaviness in her soul, but for a fleeting moment, Olivia had remembered what it was like to feel free.
"Don't think I haven't considered it, Stabler. However, being angry with you takes an energy I don't have at the moment. I will say though, that I reserve the right to yell at you at any time."
"Noted."
Still clinging to Elliot's hand, she led him over to the couch. It was as if she believed if she were to let go, he would simply disappear as magically as he had arrived. Bracing herself for the news that she would only be granted a few hours in his presence before he would leave for the unknown yet again, she asked the inevitable question, wanting to prepare herself this time for his eventual leaving.
"How soon before you have to go?"
There was no mistaking the anguished look that crossed Elliot's face. He knew his abrupt departure had hurt Olivia deeply, but never had he imagined he would have wounded her like this. She almost looked as though she were afraid to ask the question – like she didn't even want to know the answer.
"I'm here in Cape May for as long as you are, Liv – if you'll have me, that is. I don't have anything concrete planned yet, but I can find an efficiency nearby and visit you as often as you'd like."
Olivia was quiet for a long time, and Elliot read that as hesitancy on her part. Tripping over his words, he tried to explain himself better, realizing he'd likely shocked her into silence.
"Please understand that I'm not trying to pressure you. I know I have a lot to make up for. The way I left was cowardly, and you deserved so much better. It's just that when Cragen called me and said you were taking a sabbatical up here, I asked if he thought you'd mind if I came to see you."
Gradually, reality began to dawn on Olivia. This was real, he was real. She wasn't having one of her many dreams that resulted in finding herself back in the clutches of William Lewis. Another thought occurred to her then – what did Elliot know about her recent history? He certainly hadn't alluded to having any knowledge about it, but then again, they'd only been talking for the past fifteen minutes. Most of that had been about him reassuring her that she wasn't imagining things.
There were so many things she wanted to ask him, first and foremost being, where the hell had he been? She was still clinging to the hope that he had been somewhere out of contact, because she didn't want to believe that he could have been in the city all this time and not gotten in touch with her after hearing about the atrocities she had lived through. The more Olivia thought, the more lost in her mind she became.
"Liv?"
Olivia felt a gentle pressure on her thigh, and startled instantly, striking out with her fists to combat against her would be assailant. Her panic only increased when she made contact with a flesh and bone being only a few feet away. In full fight or flight mode now, she tried to run, holding back the sobs that tried to escape her throat. Tripping over her own feet, the floor rose up to meet her as she fell, and she tasted blood the instant her tooth cut into her lip upon the impact. William Lewis was back – he'd cheated death once more, and he'd found her again. She wasn't sure she had the strength to fight him off for a third time. Olivia lay on the floor and curled herself into a fetal position, placing her hands over her ears and closing her eyes tight. She was unaware of the steady stream of words that echoed from her lips on a fierce whisper.
Elliot looked on, frightened and concerned, as his former partner unraveled completely. He racked his brain trying to think of anything he could have said or done to upset her so terribly, but came up with nothing. When realization finally did hit though, it was like a punch to the gut. It may have been three years since he was last an active duty special victims detective, but he knew a flashback when he saw one. This one in particular that was affecting Olivia appeared to be devastating.
Without any clue of knowing what had triggered it, he instead focused on getting her out of it and back to the present as quickly as possible. Making no attempt to touch her, for fear of frightening her even more, Elliot knelt on the floor beside her. He crouched down low so she could hear him, and began to speak in a calm, soothing voice.
"Olivia, its Elliot. Try and focus on my voice. You're safe."
His efforts were having no effect on the woman on the floor, as she was too lost in her personal nightmare at the moment. As Olivia began to rock back and forth, the words leaving her mouth became clearer, and Elliot felt ill.
"Just shoot me. Just shoot me. Just shoot me."
What the hell had happened to her? Elliot wondered. However, there was no time to dwell on that now, he had to bring her back to him. Though he hated to be forceful with her at a time like this, his calm tone clearly wasn't working.
"Olivia!"
He called to her again, more sharply this time. While the woman on the floor didn't respond, she had stopped with her chanting and stilled somewhat. Trying again, he repeated her name over and over, telling her who he was, that he was with her, and that she was safe. Finally, after endless minutes, Olivia lowered her hands from her ears and began to blink into awareness.
"Elliot?"
Her voice sounded drowsy and hesitant, with a tinge of shame behind it. If he didn't know better, he would have thought she were trying not to cry. Forcing himself to act as normal as possible, because even though he'd just been thrown for a complete loop, it was nothing compared to what she was dealing with, Elliot answered her.
"I'm here, Liv."
"How did I get on the floor?"
Elliot was torn. He didn't want to lie to her, but he also didn't know how to broach the subject. Olivia would undoubtedly be embarrassed by her flashback experience, especially considering that one had happened in his presence. Instead, he focused his energies on getting her on her feet again and back on the couch.
"We'll talk about that in a minute. First, let's work on getting you up. Is it all right if I help you?"
He wanted to make sure he had her consent to touch her, especially after unknowingly triggering her before, but the question unwittingly proved to be a red flag. All it served to do was earn him Olivia's ire. She shoved his hands away angrily, and got to her feet on her own.
"Stop treating me like I'm one of the helpless victims you used to take care of, Stabler. You're not on the job anymore, remember?"
Her words were as efficient as a slap to the face, and hurt just as deeply. But she was wrong on one account, and he intended to tell her as much.
"I suppose I deserved that Liv – and so much more. But know this - I have never seen you as helpless. You are the strongest woman I've ever known. I don't know what you've been through, and I don't expect you to tell me - I know I have to earn that trust back – but you will always be a survivor."
Olivia was still feeling extremely embarrassed by what had happened, but his reassuring words had served to quell some of her anger. Even so, a part of her did want to go and hide for awhile until the incident could be forgotten. Self consciously, she licked her lower lip, then winced in pain as her tongue slid over the part where her tooth had pierced the sensitive skin when she had fallen.
"Let me help you with that, Liv. Do you know if there is any ice in the freezer?"
Olivia only shrugged by way of answering, and he didn't worry too much about it. Without touching her physically, Elliot led her over to the couch so she could sit. Then he hurried into the kitchen. It took some searching in cabinets and drawers, but he found what he was looking for. Minutes later, he returned with two Tylenol, a glass of water, and an impromptu ice pack wrapped in a dish towel.
"Take these. You may think you don't need them, but you will eventually. You hit the floor hard."
Wordlessly, Olivia held out her palm, accepting the tablets, then swallowed them with the water. Then she took the ice pack he had made, and held it against her sore lip. She knew that because of what had happened, Elliot was hesitant to touch her. It was something that gave her mixed feelings. Part of her longed for his comfort, but the other part was grateful he was keeping his distance.
They sat there in silence for the next several minutes, the only sound in the room their synchronized breathing. Olivia found a sense of peace in knowing that, even after all these years apart, they could be so in tune with one another. When her lip was sufficiently numb, she lowered the ice pack, still clutching it tightly in her palm. The cold against her hand was grounding her, providing a distraction from the thoughts racing through her mind.
"Do you need me to leave, Olivia? If you want to be alone right now, just say the word, and I'll go."
This was not the Elliot Stabler that she once knew. Whatever had happened to him since she'd seen him last must have changed him irrevocably. The old Elliot would be insisting she tell him what happened, be threatening to find her assailant and tear him limb from limb. This quiet man who sat beside her bore little resemblance to the partner she walked beside for twelve years. He was giving her space, even going so far as to remove himself from the equation – again. Little did he know that now that she had him back in her life, even if it was in the smallest capacity, losing him for a second time would be unbearable.
Gathering all her courage, Olivia spoke for the first time since her earlier outburst. It wasn't a heartfelt monologue about how she felt or a brave soliloquy detailing her ordeal – but merely a single word – a whisper of a plea.
"Stay."
It was already evening, and Olivia hadn't eaten anything all day. She wasn't about to reveal this detail to Elliot though, although she had a sinking suspicion he could already figure that one out. As if that wasn't bad enough, her stomach had to be a traitor and call her out by growling loudly at the most inopportune time.
She had just asked him to stay, taking every ounce of courage she possessed, and was about to take it one step further – to ask him to spend this first night with her in the cottage. Not that she had anything to fear here, but the thought of being in a new place was playing on her anxiety more than she thought it would. She was certain she'd have made it on her own one way or another, but now that he was here, and she knew he didn't actually have a place to stay, what was the harm of offering him one of the spare rooms for a day or two until he found a more permanent arrangement?
Before she'd had a chance to put forth the question, though, her stomach had complained. Olivia had felt Elliot's watchful eyes upon her then, not needing to see him to know he had a concerned expression on his face.
"Olivia. I'm still not going to push you to talk, but at least tell me this – when was the last time you took proper care of yourself?"
Though there was nothing remotely funny about what he'd just asked, a smile played at her lips nonetheless. Did he even realize just how complex of a question that really was?
"You've known me for how long, Stabler? What do you think?"
Smirking now, Elliot shook his head.
"Let me rephrase that then. When was the last time you ate anything?"
Olivia drew her lower lip between her teeth, careful not to reopen the earlier wound. She couldn't lie about this – he'd know right away if she did. But if she told the truth, he'd likely admonish her just the same. What could she do?
"Liv..."
He prompted her again gently, and it was like being taken back in time. The years faded away, and they were back in the squad room again, at each other's throats over a tough case, but he was still making sure she took the necessary naps in the cribs and ate at regular intervals. No matter how angry she could be with him at times, she'd never been able to lie to him – not even now.
"Two days ago – I think."
On his feet, Elliot was heading for the kitchen once more. Olivia wanted to tell him it wasn't necessary, but she knew it would be useless.
"You think you last ate two days ago? Olivia, you can't do this to yourself! I'm getting you something to eat right now!"
Olivia sighed. This was the last thing she wanted. But maybe there was still a way to stop him, a way to come to a compromise. She thought for a minute as she listened to him root around in the refrigerator, knowing he likely wouldn't find anything suitable for making a decent meal. Yes, she'd bought some grocery items for stocking the pantry and such, but nothing that would sustain a normal diet. Then she remembered the directory she'd been given at the store. They could use that to find a place to order from.
"Elliot, wait."
"No, Liv. I know I promised you I'm not going to pressure you, but this is where I'm going to stand firm. You need to eat."
Picking up the directory from the coffee table where she'd set it earlier, Olivia carried it into the kitchen. Holding out in his direction, she tried to explain.
"I understand that, I'm just trying to say you don't have to cook for me. The grocery store gave me this earlier today. We can pick a place and order in."
"And you'll eat?"
He was studying her intently as he awaited her answer, scrutinizing her almost. Olivia didn't want to lie and say yes, when she couldn't guarantee that she'd be able to handle a complete meal. However she didn't want to create any tension between them either. So, instead, she offered the best olive branch she knew how.
"I'll try. That's the best I can do."
Finally daring to touch her once more, Elliot reached out and gently rested his hand on top of hers where it lay on the countertop. He only left it there for a moment before removing it yet again, but it provided Olivia with the reassurance that she had needed.
"That's all I ask."
Together, they looked through the directory, and made a decision, Elliot primarily deferring to Olivia in this instance, though he'd never tell her that. After figuring out what to order, Elliot wrote it down on a piece of paper, along with the address for the cottage so he could make the phone call. Olivia, on the other hand, excused herself for a few minutes so she could go and freshen up. She wanted to wash her face after everything that had happened, to try and feel more like herself again. Before she left, she instructed Elliot to make himself at home, and said that she'd be back soon.
Fifteen minutes later, Olivia came back downstairs. She'd washed her face, and had secretly taken one of the lorazepam that Dr. Lindstrom had prescribed for emergencies such as her panic attacks and after her flashbacks. When he'd first suggested it, she'd been resistant, but now she was relieved to have something as a safety net when her daily medication wasn't strong enough to get her though. The one thing that had convinced her to agree was learning that it was the lowest dose available - only half a milligram - and she was free to break the tablets in half if she so chose. While the drug had a mildly sedating effect, it didn't make her want to sleep. She was able to remain lucid and in control of all of her faculties, and that was what counted.
She found Elliot in the living room, and just as she'd suggested to him, it appeared that he'd taken her at her word and made himself comfortable. His shoes were off and resting by the door, and he sat on the couch, his one ankle propped on the opposite knee. His arm was draped over the furniture's back, and he had slouched down somewhat in his posture. Upon hearing footsteps, he turned his head in her direction, smiling as soon as she came into view. To Olivia's relief, he made no mention of what had happened earlier.
"Hey, Liv. Food should be here in about twenty more minutes. I hope you don't mind, but I helped myself to some things in your kitchen and made us some iced tea to drink while I waited for you to get back."
What was that again? She wondered. Oh, right. Tea. She could handle tea. Olivia convinced herself this was not a complicated conversation. As long as things didn't get more detailed than this, she'd be just fine.
"That's fine, Elliot. Thank you. Something to drink hadn't even occurred to me."
Though it felt awkward as hell, especially in light of the way she had reacted recently, Olivia forced herself to walk over and take a seat on the opposite end of the couch and face him. How was it that once upon a time they had known the most intimate details of each other's lives, and now Elliot felt like a complete stranger? Yet, at the same time, there was no one else she wanted in this town with her more.
"Liv?"
There it was again, that hauntingly painful nickname falling from his lips. He'd called her by it several times now, and not once had it occurred to her to tell him to stop. As much as it hurt to hear, somehow not hearing it would be even worse. And yet, she was well aware that she had yet to refer to him by the nickname she'd bestowed on him all those years ago. Instead, it had consistently been either his full first or last name – if she had chosen to address him by name at all. Maybe she wasn't doing as well with her former partner's abrupt return as she thought.
"Yeah?"
"I don't want to keep pressuring you, and feel free to tell me to shut up, but I'm going to ask you again – do you need me to leave?"
She was silent again for far too long in the aftermath of his question. Elliot still didn't know any of the details, but he was picking up on each and every one of Olivia's tells. Something was very seriously wrong here, something that Cragen had neglected to mention. Whatever was going on, this wasn't a normal sabbatical. He should have known better. When had he ever known Olivia to take time off for any reason, let alone six month's worth – voluntarily, no less?
"No. I don't want you to leave. It's just that I don't quite know what to say. It's funny – I always imagined that if I ever saw you again, I'd have it all planned out – but I'm at a complete loss."
Smiling wistfully, Elliot shrugged his shoulders and held out his hands in a helpless gesture.
"You're not the only one who is grasping for straws here, Liv. I'm not going to sugar coat things – I know I'm the one who is responsible for that – I fucked up, big time. If you'll give me the chance, I'd like to try and get to know you again."
Before Olivia had a chance to answer, there was a knock at the door, and she very nearly jumped out of her skin. Out of habit, she reflexively reached toward her hip for a gun that hadn't been there for a few weeks now, another action that didn't escape Elliot's notice. Pretending he hadn't seen, he acted as if nothing had happened.
"Don't worry, dinner is on me. Why don't you go get settled at the table, and I'll bring it right in? Unless of course, you'd rather eat in here?"
Now, this was a question that required a response. Olivia mulled it over briefly as Elliot headed toward the door, calling out that he was on his way. Finding her voice, she was able to give a reply – surprisingly with more truth than she'd thought herself capable of in the moment.
"I'd actually prefer to stay in here. That way, we can watch something while we eat. Plus, I'm starting to feel the effects of that fall more than I thought I would."
Having already paid for the food, Elliot closed the door behind the departing deliveryman and rushed back to her side in an instant upon hearing her words. He deposited their dinner haphazardly on the coffee table and joined her once more on the couch, still keeping a respectful distance, but concern evident on his face.
"What do you mean? Are you in pain? Do you need me to take you to the hospital?"
Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, Olivia reassessed her earlier analysis. Maybe Elliot hadn't changed that much after all. The man sitting beside her right now was certainly acting an awful lot like her former partner – the person who was always hyper aware of any possible need she could have if she complained of so much as a hangnail in the past.
"I'm fine."
The words were hauntingly familiar, and brought a new wave of pain to both individuals sitting on the couch. Olivia hadn't spoken them intentionally, the phrase had instead come from muscle memory. She'd almost even let an "El" escape her lips, but had been able to stop herself just in time. Clearing her throat, Olivia tried to pretend she hadn't uttered the phrase at all, and instead tried to change the subject.
"We should eat."
Not wanting to argue, Elliot headed for the kitchen for the third time since his arrival earlier in the day. It took a bit of searching again, but he found a couple of plates and brought them back with him, along with a handful of napkins he'd spied in a package on the counter. Though he desperately wanted to see Olivia eat heartily, he swore to himself he wouldn't push her, so long as she at least ate something. Beyond everything else he had witnessed already, having heard that she had gone two days without food had him terrified for her welfare.
Now, he knew that he hadn't been imagining things – she really was thinner than he remembered.
They sat on the couch together, at separate ends, with something random playing on the television. They'd found one of the local channels that detailed the many activities and attractions available in Cape May. It suited them perfectly, as they could watch passively without having to take an actual interest. Truth be told, Elliot was spending more of his time keeping a watchful eye on Olivia, but he hadn't wanted to stare. In the same amount of time he'd had four pieces of pizza – plus the same amount of breadsticks – she'd barely eaten half of the lone slice on her plate. As for the breadstick that he'd encouraged her to take, she was currently tearing that to shreds while she stared ahead into space.
Suddenly, with a movement so abrupt that it startled Elliot enough to make him jump slightly, Olivia was up and out of her seat. She hastily tossed her plate onto the coffee table as she ran in the direction of the stairs – not heading up them – but to the powder room located beneath them. The sound of a toilet lid clattering followed by retching could be heard, and Elliot's heart shattered once more.
Even though he knew he likely wouldn't be welcome, his instinct to want to protect and comfort her was still strong. Following the path she had taken, Elliot stood in the open doorway of the powder room for only a second before making his decision. Crossing the few steps to kneel beside her, he gently gathered Olivia's hair up in one hand, careful to keep his grip as light as possible. Not wanting to touch her in any other way, he instead spoke to her soothingly.
"It's all right, Liv. Let it all out. I'm right here."
Olivia continued to cough and gag for several more endless minutes, her hands clinging to the porcelain bowl as a means to try and steady herself. Through no control of her own, tears streamed down her face, an unintended effect from her having been unable to hold down her dinner. When she was finally spent, she sat back on her heels, more humiliated than ever before.
Elliot, however, had no intention of letting her feel that way. Acting as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened, he released her hair, letting it fall back to just barely brushing her shoulders. Then, he eased himself back to a standing position, and murmured softly that he would be right back. True to his word, he returned a few seconds later, holding out a glass of water for Olivia to sip from. He'd also brought a napkin for her to use to wipe her mouth.
It was only when he felt that she was steady enough that Elliot asked Olivia if she'd like to try standing again. Then, he wet a dishcloth he'd brought in from the kitchen – unable to find anything else – and passed it to her wordlessly. Exchanging the cool rag for the glass in her hand, Olivia accepted it and pressed it against her eyes before using it to wipe off her face.
"Thank you."
"No need to thank me. In fact, if anything, I owe you an apology – clearly the pizza was a bad idea."
Breathing out a shaky laugh, Olivia couldn't help but agree. He was clearly trying to make things better here. She couldn't hold it against him. She only hoped he wasn't going to try and make her eat anything else tonight.
"I'll be back. I just want to go upstairs and brush my teeth. Can you-"
"I'll get everything cleaned up and put away while you're gone."
Olivia tried not to think of the way Elliot had so seamlessly read her mind. It was too much for her to process right now. Instead, she poured all of her energy into making it up the stairs, one at a time, so she could complete the simple task of brushing her teeth. Already it was growing dark outside, and she couldn't help but wonder how much longer it would be before Elliot would make his excuses to go, leaving her alone again. But could she actually trust him to come back this time? Plus, where would he stay? Again, her earlier impulsive thoughts of offering him one of the spare rooms came to mind.
Her decision made – at least for tonight – Olivia descended the steps once more. She was relieved to find that Elliot had held true to his word, and cleaned up everything that had been left from their dinner. What he had done with it, she didn't know, nor did she care right now. But what touched her deeply was the the sight of the mug of hot tea that was waiting for her on the coffee table by her spot on the couch. He'd remembered. Even after all this time, he'd remembered. Maybe she wasn't as forgettable to him as she once thought.
"Elliot? Did you mean what you said earlier about wanting to stay – in Cape May, that is?"
Momentarily confused by the abrupt change in direction of the conversation, Elliot was unsure of how to answer at first. Once he realized what she was asking of him, he didn't delay in his answer.
"Of course, Olivia. I'm here for as long as you'll have me. I just need to find a place a stay tonight. I'll find an efficiency nearby as soon as I can."
A few seconds of silence stretched between them, and though he could tell that something was weighing heavily on her mind, Elliot didn't press her to speak.
"Stay here. At least for tonight, or until you find yourself a place. There are two other bedrooms upstairs, and I'm sure Cragen wouldn't mind."
"Yes, but what about you? Would you mind, Olivia? I'm not about to do anything that will make you feel uncomfortable."
She gave him a grim smile and a shrug of the shoulders, lost for words yet again. Finally figuring out what to say, she addressed him once more.
"I'm not going to say it won't be awkward, but I'm asking you to stay anyway. This is my first night here, too, and as much as I wanted this, I'm not so sure anymore that I want to be here alone."
Not pressing the issue any further, Elliot merely nodded his acceptance of her offer.
"All right, if that's what you want. I'll stay. But if you ever change your mind -"
"I get it."
The decision made, Elliot went out to his truck to retrieve his bags, leaving Olivia alone on the couch to drink her tea. When he came back in, he made sure to lock the door behind himself. At Olivia's suggestion, he headed up the stairs, to see which of the two guest rooms he would prefer.
Elliot returned to living room several minutes later, having found himself a room and taken some time to change into something more comfortable. He found Olivia curled up in one corner of the couch, her knees pulled against her chest and her arms wrapped around her legs. Much like she had been doing earlier, she was staring off into space. There were so many questions he wanted to ask her, but he knew she wasn't ready. Just like he knew now wasn't the time to have the heavy discussion about where he had been the last few years.
Now, he was torn. He wanted to go and sit with her again, but a part of him was afraid of startling her the way he had earlier. Deciding it would be better to announce his presence, he called out her name softly, trying to get her attention.
"Olivia?"
He'd had to say it more than once before she finally acknowledged him, but finally she looked in his direction. Trying to pretend like it was the first time he'd said something, Elliot came up with an excuse.
"Did you need anything before I sat down? More tea, maybe?"
"No, thank you."
Despite her refusal, he went into the kitchen anyway, to refill his own drink, then walked back into the living room. If there were any other place to sit, he would have gladly taken it, but the couch was the lone piece of furniture – aside from the coffee and end tables.
"I'm sorry there isn't much to watch. I brought my devices with me for my streaming services, but I haven't been able to get them set up just yet."
It completely blew Elliot away that Olivia was apologizing to him, especially about something so trivial. He could have cared less what was on the television. Hell, at this point, he'd be willing to watch paint dry, so long as it meant he was allowed to be with her again. It just made his heart ache to see how much pain she was in, and not know the cause of it.
"Don't worry about it. I don't need to watch anything else right now. We don't even have to talk. I'm not expecting you to entertain me."
With nothing to say, they continued to sit in silence, as they learned all there was to know about the town of Cape May. Though he knew it may not be for awhile yet, Elliot longed for the day he could take Olivia to the top of the lighthouse, so they could see the view together. There were other things, too – like exploring the shops in town, and walking on the beach. He didn't know what all she had planned to do during her time here, but he hoped she would let him be a part of it.
Meanwhile, Olivia was exhausted. Even though the drive hadn't been that long, it still had taken a lot out of her. Then there had been the unexpected surprise of Elliot showing up at the door, followed by the horrifying flashback and getting ill when she had tried to eat. It made sense that all she wanted to do now was sleep.
Heading into the other room for a moment, Olivia found her purse where she had hidden it away in a closet. Retrieving a spare key for the cottage – Cragen had given her two – she carried it in and held it out to Elliot.
"While you're staying here, it's only right that you should have this. I don't exactly know what my schedule will be, and don't want you forced to keep it with me. You should be able to come and go as you please."
She placed the key into his open palm, the first time she had voluntarily touched him since their hug when he had first arrived hours earlier. Remembering how she had grabbed his hand immediately after and pulled him into the cottage, Olivia tried to shake the emotion that was overtaking her. How was it that she had found such comfort his touch then, but was practically terrified of the contact now? It wasn't that she was afraid of Elliot exactly - more scared that if she did touch him, that it would shatter the last vestiges of control she was holding onto – and she would have a complete breakdown. She simply couldn't fall apart in his presence. Not again, and not now. She didn't have it in her to confess to him what had happened to her in his absence. It would destroy her to see the look on his face when he learned the truth about how weak she really was.
Grabbing her phone from the coffee table, Olivia also picked up her now empty mug of tea to carry it into the kitchen. As she was rinsing it out at the sink, she heard approaching footsteps and knew Elliot had come to join her.
"I don't blame you Liv. I'm pretty tired myself, I'll probably be headed to bed soon, too. I do have one question though, and I hope you don't mind me asking. Is it okay with you if I use the internet here? I was hoping to have a video chat with the kids at some point."
The mention of his kids sent a fresh wave of pain to Olivia's heart. She hadn't even asked about them, or about Kathy. It was official – she was the most selfish person to have ever lived. Figuring there would be time to atone for her sins tomorrow, she simply answered his question instead.
"Of course, Elliot. I meant it when I said to make yourself comfortable here. Let me write down the network name and password for you, though."
"Or, you can just text it to me, it will save you on paper. My number is still the same."
The mug that Olivia had been rinsing out and was transferring to the dishwasher slipped from her hands and dropped to the floor, shattering into several pieces. Her breathing began to quicken, and tears pricked her eyes. The bastard's number was still the same? He fucking knew? Was his sudden appearance nothing but a pity visit after all? Then, through her haze of anger and anguish, she heard Elliot calling to her once more.
"Liv, wait. What I meant to say was, I just got my old number back when I got a new phone in New York a few days ago. I hadn't even realized it would still be available."
Olivia's breathing gradually began to even out. She didn't even want to consider what can of worms his confession had opened up for them. She didn't have the strength to deal with it right now. Still, she was glad that he had clarified. The explanation brought her a fraction of peace. It meant that whatever had happened in his life in recent years, there was no way for him to have known about the worst parts in hers.
Crouching down on the floor so she could pick up the remnants of the mug that were littered about, she heard Elliot's voice saying to her that he would take care of the mess. In no mood to fight, Olivia stood again, having to dig deep down to find the strength to answer his earlier statement.
"Okay. I'll send them to you. Now if you'll excuse me."
Using what little effort she had left, Olivia said goodnight, promising once more to send him the information for the internet log in. Elliot was slightly confused, but didn't pressure her, merely wished for her to sleep well, and said he would see her in the morning. When she was halfway up the stairs, Olivia turned around to address him one final time.
"Elliot? Promise me something?"
"Anything."
"No matter what you hear tonight, stay in your own room, okay?"
Her words were cryptic, and chilled him to the bone. Now he had more questions than ever, especially in light of what he had witnessed earlier. But if that is what she wanted, he would abide by her wishes, even if it killed him.
"I promise."
Giving him a final weak smile, she turned again, and continued her way up the stairs. Elliot stayed on the first floor for a little while longer, cleaning up the broken mug and making sure everything was locked up securely. Then he turned off the lights and went upstairs himself. Ensconcing himself in the room he'd chosen, he removed his laptop from his bag and got situated in the bed, leaning back against the headboard, trying to reflect on the events of the evening.
Elliot closed the tab on his browser window, having just finished a video chat with his daughter, Kathleen. Even though he'd just spent time visiting each of his kids not long before his return to the city, he still missed them all so much. Then, once he'd made it back to New York and gotten back in touch with Don Cragen, everything in his life had been a complete whirlwind up until tonight.
Though he knew that the answers to all of his questions about what may have happened to Olivia were quite literally at his fingertips, Elliot resisted the urge. To search her name on the internet without first getting her consent seemed like the ultimate betrayal at this point. As much as he wanted to know what had happened – and his gut told him it had to be something major – he had to wait for her to tell him in her own time.
Instead, he moved the laptop to the bedside table, plugging it in so it could charge overnight. Then, he grabbed his tablet, and propped a few more pillows behind his back. He wasn't so weary yet that he was ready for sleep, but maybe reading a few chapters would serve to quiet his restless mind.
About an hour later, just as he was getting ready to stop reading and turn out the light, a scream unlike anything he'd ever heard before filled the air. The sound conveyed pure terror, and the echoes of it in his ears sent shivers down his spine.
Despite his earlier promises to Olivia that he'd stay in his room no matter what he heard, Elliot was on his feet in an instant and out the door. Even though there was no way he could be heard, he crept across the landing to the other end of the hall, and stood quietly outside the entrance to the main bedroom. Again and again Olivia screamed, and he heard other noises, too – ones that sounded like she was thrashing against the covers – fighting off another would be assailant.
Laying his palm against the surface of the door, Elliot stood there in silence for several minutes. It was as if he were trying to impart his strength to her through the wood. Meanwhile, just as it had been watching her fall to pieces not long after his arrival earlier tonight, his heart was in shreds.
"I'm here, Liv. I'm here."
Though he knew there was no way for her to hear him, he whispered the words anyway. The screaming came to an abrupt halt, followed by a few choking gasps. Leaning in closer, Elliot could swear he heard Olivia muttering a few expletives quietly. Not wanting to linger any longer, in case she should come out and find him standing here, he hastily retreated back to his own room. He'd just shut his own door behind him and collapsed against it when he became aware of the fact that he was crying.
He'd put the question to his own mind before, but now it was back in full force – just what the hell had she been through? He'd like to cast blame for whomever had failed to get in touch with him, but he knows the fault is his own. He was the one who disappeared three years ago, and while he had his reasons, he can't seem to find anything valid enough that would justify them right now. No matter what he'd said to try and convince himself that she would be fine in his absence, Olivia was clearly anything but.
Though he didn't fault Olivia for needing time away from whatever was troubling her, Elliot was currently cursing this strange town he knew nothing about. Back in New York, the city was always alive, and there was always chaos. If ever he couldn't sleep, he could go for a walk or find an open diner or coffee shop somewhere to clear his head. Here, there was nothing to give him that reprieve. Then again, he supposed that was why Olivia had chosen it to begin with. She had needed to escape the madness for awhile, go somewhere she would be free to just be, without any expectations.
Pressing his ear to the door again, he listened carefully for any sound. Hearing nothing, he opened it up, and headed out into the hallway. Using the bathroom between his room and the other bedroom on this side of the landing, he splashed some water on his face. Then, Elliot padded back to bed. He wasn't so sure he would be able to sleep now, be was at least going to try.
Remembering the limited grocery supplies he had seen earlier when searching through the cabinets and refrigerator, he decided he would go to the store in the morning before Olivia got up. Not having any clue how late she slept anymore, however, Elliot set his alarm for an early hour so he would be sure to be back in time. He could afford to miss his daily run just this once, or go later in the day tomorrow.
Turning out the light, he finally tried to settle in against the pillows. He'd been dreaming of reuniting with Olivia ever since he'd had to leave her behind. Never could he have imagined their first meeting would have gone like this. The last thoughts on his mind before drifting off to sleep involved wondering just how the morning would treat both of them.
An hour after he'd fallen asleep, something woke Elliot up in a cold sweat. Reflexively, he reached for his gun, then remembered that the weapon he still carried with him out of habit was still in a locked box in his travel bag. It took him a minute to orient to his surroundings, but once he remembered where he was, he knew instantly what he'd heard. Olivia was screaming again.
Swinging his legs over side of the bed, he pulled himself to a sitting position, and dropped his head into his hands. He wanted to go to her in the worst way possible – burst through that door and pull her into his arms. But he remembered the promise she had dragged from his lips before she had gone to bed. She didn't want his comfort, not for this. Whether it was because she was too proud, or too ashamed, Elliot wasn't sure of the exact reason. Then again, it could just be that she was still mad at him, and he knew he deserved her anger. Part of him would have been relieved in a way if she had punched him instead of hugging him upon his arrival tonight, that would have been an Olivia Benson he'd have known how to deal with with. The woman he had seen so far seemed like a shell of the partner he once knew.
Just as they had before, the screams from across the hall abated, and silence reigned in the house once more. Elliot tried to lay back down again, but he knew he'd never be able to get back to sleep. Instead he lay there, wide eyed and alert, intent to stand guard from afar. Until she was willing to let him in, he'd do his best to keep the monsters out any way he could. Tomorrow, he swore to himself he'd try and reach her – even if it meant taking baby steps to do so.
Olivia awoke the next morning, with her now typical feeling that she hadn't slept at all. She had just gotten back to a normal routine again, and now the night terrors were back, more debilitating than they had ever been. Dr. Lindstrom had offered to give her a prescription to help her sleep, but so far she'd declined, fearing a dreamless sleep over the haunted dreams she was currently accustomed to. Still, she knew she'd have to make a note of the previous night in her journal, and mention it when she spoke to the doctor later today.
Padding into the adjoining bathroom, she stripped off the clothes she had slept in, and turned the shower on as hot as it could possibly go. This was another part of her daily ritual. At least twice daily, she would stand under scalding hot water, scrubbing her skin raw. No matter how hard she tried though, there were still times she would look in the mirror and be convinced she could see William Lewis' blood staining her face. Or, she would close her eyes and feel his hands roughly pawing at her body over her clothes. Even dead, the man still found ways to haunt her on a daily basis.
After spending endless minutes under the spray of the shower, Olivia emerged and toweled off. She applied a lotion to her breasts and abdomen that she'd been given to help with scar reduction – not that she noticed a difference – and ran a comb through the knots in her hair. When she was back in the bedroom, she dug through her trunk for something to wear, and reminded herself she'd need to unpack later today.
Finally dressed in leggings, an extra long tee shirt, and an oversized hoodie that kept most of her skin out of view, Olivia headed for the kitchen. As she descended the stairs, the smell of fresh brewed coffee reached her nostrils, and she felt her stomach churn. For once though, it wasn't in protest, but in anticipation. Then reality hit her – it hadn't been a dream after all – Elliot really was here.
"Good morning, Liv."
He greeted her as soon as she came into his field of vision, a cup of coffee in his hands and a smile on his lips as he smiled in her direction. For the briefest of moments, Olivia was taken back in time to those endless mornings with him where he'd be waiting for her at their desks at the precinct, or showing up on her doorstep to pick her up to go out on a case. The memory was equal parts comforting and bittersweet.
"Good morning."
She was grateful when he didn't ask her how she slept, though judging by how she felt when she had woken up, he likely had heard her screams through the night. Just another thing for her to feel humiliated about in his presence. To Elliot's credit though, he said nothing about it. He did, however, bring up another topic she dreaded facing – food.
"I woke up early Liv, and made a run to the store to grab a few things. I wasn't sure what you'd want for breakfast, so I thought we could just keep things simple. I did buy some bagels, but I can just make you toast, if that's what you'd prefer."
Relieved that he wasn't going to try and pressure her into eating a full meal, Olivia's posture relaxed. Toast. She could handle toast. On the few mornings she had been eating, that's all she had been able to manage anyway. She just hoped that she would have better luck with breakfast this morning that she'd had with dinner the night before. The last thing she wanted was to throw up in Elliot's presence for a second time.
"I'll have some toast, but you don't have to go to the trouble, I can make it myself."
Elliot shot her a look that while equal parts concerned and stern, was instantly disarming.
"Liv, please. It's no trouble. Let me do this for you."
"Okay."
Olivia went over to the table and sat down, finding comfort in the noises Elliot was making in the kitchen a few steps away. They weren't anything major – the sound of pouring coffee, the opening and shutting of the refrigerator door, the crinkling of the bread bag. Even something as simple as the noise coming from the plunger on the toaster being pressed down reached her ears and was soothing. These were the sounds of living, and they had been so completely absent in her life lately, that she had almost forgotten how much she missed them.
She was pulled from her thoughts when several items appeared on the table in front of her – a tub of spreadable butter, a jar of jelly, a container of cream cheese. Glancing up at the man standing next to her with a look of confusion, Olivia waited for an explanation.
"I wasn't sure how you'd take your toast, Liv. This way, you can fix it just how you like it."
Elliot returned to the table two more times before sitting down. The first was to bring over their cups of coffee, along with some cream and sugar. The second time he carried over their plates, one with two pieces of toast for Olivia, the other holding a bagel for himself. Setting the food down, he watched as his former partner eyed it warily, as though it were an insurmountable challenge she must face as opposed to a simple meal.
"Just eat what you can, Olivia. No pressure."
The toast was still warm as she spread on the butter, and it melted almost on contact. Deciding to keep things simple, she passed on adding any jelly, and took the tiniest of bites. When she was satisfied that her stomach wasn't going to instantly rebel, she tried again, this time eating a bit more. Maybe for once, she'd actually be able to hold something down.
Later that morning, Olivia was up in her bedroom, getting ready to log in for her session with Dr. Lindstrom. Elliot was still downstairs, thumbing through catalogs from a rental agency that he'd picked up when he'd been out at the store this morning. She hadn't told him much, only that she needed to excuse herself for a meeting. It was best if he assumed it had to do with work for now, even if they both knew she wasn't fooling anyone. The longer she avoided talking about it, the longer she could live in denial.
With Dr. Lindstrom, though, she had to face things head on. As she waited for the video call to connect, Olivia went over in her mind the things she wanted to discuss – and what she didn't. Her eating habits were one such issue, as were her sleeping patterns. Both topics would inevitably be brought up at least once during the course of the appointment, though.
Then, there was the matter of Elliot. She'd mentioned her former partner to her psychiatrist before, so he was more than aware of his existence – as well as his absence in her life. Now, in addition to the tumult she was already dealing with, Dr. Lindstrom would likely want her to assess the emotions that had resurfaced with Elliot's reappearance. While the majority of what she was feeling did amount to relief, there was also a lingering sense of unease, presumably due to the upheaval his arrival had caused on her already fragile emotions.
"Olivia? Olivia, can you hear me?"
From somewhere in the distance, there was a voice calling to her. It was one she vaguely recognized, but she couldn't quite place it. She knew it wasn't Elliot, as he'd assured her he would give her some privacy. Coming back to the present from her daydream, Olivia focused on the computer screen in front of her and saw the face of Dr. Lindstrom watching her with concern. Fortunately for her, she could write the experience off as a poor internet connection, and not lack of attention on her part.
"I'm here, Doctor. Sorry."
"No worries, Olivia. I'm glad to see you are checking in as scheduled. Are you getting settled in okay?"
Olivia resisted the urge to laugh. Nothing about what her psychiatrist had asked was remotely funny, but nevertheless, laughter was still her gut reaction. She most definitely was not getting settled in. So far, upon her arrival, she'd barely bought enough groceries to keep a mouse alive – instead relying on coffee, tea and pantry staples. Then, her former partner of thirteen years who had all but abandoned her had just shown up out of the blue, and the first thing she'd done was throw herself into his arms like a lost child. On top of that, less than half an hour later, she'd been curled into a ball on the floor helpless while images of William Lewis had held her mind prisoner in her most terrifying flashback to date.
Or – maybe she could tell him of how she'd forced herself to eat, only to throw up minutes later – humiliating herself even further. Then, there had been the night terrors, which had likely woken up not only Elliot, but the neighbors as well. On top of all that, she hadn't even started unpacking, and could care less if she lived out of a trunk for as long as she stayed here. No, she was doing just great.
"It's going to be an adjustment, that's for sure. I've already noticed that it's quieter here than in the city – but that's part of the reason why I came, right?"
Dr. Lindstrom made a non-committal sound, which Olivia took to mean that he didn't quite believe her. She supposed she couldn't blame him. She didn't believe her, either. How could she expect anyone else to?
"Forgive me for saying this, Olivia, but you look tired. Are you still having trouble sleeping?"
"I'm sure I'll be fine. I think it just has more to do with being the first night in a new place and all."
What was she doing? Olivia wondered. Now she was flat out telling lies. Surely Dr. Lindstrom could see through her bullshit. Over her many years on the job, she had trained herself to be able to nap anywhere – be it catching a ten minute refresher in the car on a stakeout, or a one hour break in the cribs – a new environment should not shake her this much. Then again, she also wasn't used to trying to recover from not just one, but two recent traumas, either. Not to mention the return of someone she'd believed had written her out of his life.
"Olivia?"
"I'm sorry, did you say something?"
Berating herself yet again, Olivia tried to focus her attention on her computer. Part of her feared what Dr. Lindstrom would have to say now. She hadn't even admitted anything that had happened the day before yet, even though she knew she should. Maybe it was because saying it out loud would only make it that much more real.
"I was saying that, while I understand why you've been hesitant, I'd really like to revisit the idea of you taking something at night to help you sleep – even if it's only temporarily."
Olivia's shoulders sagged in defeat, and her head dropped. It was just what she was dreading. The worst part of it was, she didn't have any energy to fight off the suggestion, either. Her reserves were totally depleted.
"I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send a prescription to the pharmacy for three pills – enough to get you through until our next video session. I want you to take one each night, and see if your sleep improves any."
There was no point in arguing, Olivia figured. But just because she was agreeing to pick up a prescription didn't mean she had to take the medication. She could always conveniently forget.
"Now that we have that figured out, I want you to tell me about last night."
Panic swept over her yet again, and her heart began to race. How could her doctor have possibly known what had happened? Gasping for her, she clutched the pillow in her lap desperately.
"Who told you?"
"No one had to tell me anything, Olivia. I've known you long enough that I can read the signs. You had a flashback again, didn't you? More night terrors, too, I'm guessing."
Unable to speak, she could only nod as a means of confirmation.
"Do you want to tell me what the flashback was about? Or perhaps what brought it on?"
"It happened when Elliot touched my leg."
Shit. She hadn't meant to say that. Now she'd have to tell Dr. Lindstrom about her former partner's reappearance. When would she learn to just keep her mouth shut? At this rate, she'd never be allowed to go back to work.
"Elliot? As in your old partner? I didn't know he was back in your life."
Well, at least he doesn't think I'm hallucinating, Olivia thought with a wry grin.
"He showed up unexpectedly yesterday evening. It was the first I'd seen him in three years."
"How did that make you feel?"
Seriously? What the fuck? Did psychiatrists actually get paid a certain dollar amount every time that asked that pointed phrase? 'How does that make you feel?' Should she tell him that it initially made her feel like she'd finally lost the last shred of her sanity? Instead, she could only say something that sounded much more trite and rehearsed, but still encapsulated the whole of her feelings.
"Overwhelmed. And relieved."
The session had continued to go on for another half hour after that, and by the time it had concluded, Olivia was more than talked out. To her surprise, she'd spent a good portion of the session discussing not the nightmares from the night before or her lack of appetite, but her feelings regarding Elliot's abrupt return. Even more shocking, she hadn't held anything back, either. She had let Dr. Lindstrom hear it all – the frustration, the anger, even the desperation she had been feeling to just be held in his arms once again like when he'd first been standing at the door. On top of it all, Olivia had told the doctor of the awkwardness that was currently present, to which he assured her was perfectly normal given three years without seeing one another. He added that not only did she have the factors in her life that she was hesitant to address, but it was likely Elliot did as well. It would take time to bring all those issues to the surface, but from everything she'd told him in the past, he believed the relationship was strong enough to survive any obstacle.
Now, as she was trying to come down from the emotions she'd dealt with in her appointment, Olivia was feeling exhausted. It always seemed to happen this way lately. Therapy drained her in a way that sixteen hours on the job never had. Even the cases that would result in days on end with little to no sleep hadn't had as much of an impact on her as talking with Dr. Lindstrom did. Now, she'd have to make a trip to the pharmacy, because she knew her doctor would be checking in with her later to make sure she picked up the prescription.
Deciding that she wanted to rest before heading downstairs to face Elliot again, Olivia sent him a quick text. It still felt strange to be contacting him again in this way, the first time in ages having been last night when she'd sent him the sign in information for the internet here. She kept the message brief, stating that she was going to take a nap, and not to wait for her if he wanted to have some lunch. However as a means of trying to extend another olive branch, she suggested that when she woke up in a bit, that they take a walk together.
Within seconds, her phone buzzed with confirmation, and Olivia scanned the answering text. Even now, she could almost hear the concern in Elliot's voice as she was reading the written words. He'd told her to take as long as she needed, and not to worry. Although he'd not mentioned anything, she had sinking suspicion he wasn't going to eat anything without her.
After moving her laptop to the dresser, Olivia crossed the room again back to the bed, and lay down. She didn't bother getting under the blankets, merely pulled a light fleece throw from the bottom up and over her body to keep warm. Resting her head on one of the pillows, she reached out and clutched one of the others to her chest, clinging to it as though it were a lifeline. Yet again, she was cursing herself for being so weak and helpless. People kept telling her how strong she was, but she knew they were lying. If she had any real strength at all, she'd be back at work by now instead of hiding out in this town so far from her home. If she really were strong, she'd never have allowed William Lewis to get the drop on her to begin with. No, she was weak – and he'd been the only one to see it. He'd exploited it, and now the whole world knew it to be fact.
Hot tears of shame coursed down Olivia's cheeks as she continued to mentally berate herself. Eventually, the self punishment gave way to her exhaustion, and sleep consumed her. Unlike the night before, her dreams weren't haunted by her recent traumas. They did however feature a starring role by one Elliot Stabler. Their thirteen years together played out in a highlight reel behind her closed eyelids, the memories just as bittersweet as they had been just after he'd first left her three years ago. The only difference was, he was back now.
A little over ninety minutes later, Olivia awoke from her nap. This time, while she didn't have the encompassing nausea that she was used to, there was the ever present body aches from always holding herself so tensely. As much as she hated to admit it, maybe it would be worth giving the sleeping medication a try that Dr. Lindstrom had suggested, if only to put an end to some of the physical discomfort she had been dealing with.
Padding into the bathroom, she washed her face and brushed her teeth for the second time that day. She needed to do something to shake the remnants of sleep from her body. Then, she pulled her hair back into a ponytail to get it off her neck. If she would be going on a walk, she didn't want it getting in her way.
Before leaving the bedroom, Olivia exchanged her leggings for a pair of jeans, but kept on the tee and hooded sweatshirt she had been wearing. As ready now as she would ever be to face Elliot again – especially after discussing him during a therapy session - she opened the door and headed for the stairs.
When she arrived on the lower level, Olivia found Elliot on the couch in the living room, dozing lightly. It took her back to the many times she'd find him resting up in the cribs at the precinct during a hard a case. Even now, more than three years into his retirement, his sleep appeared to be troubled. Despite all of her conflicted emotions regarding his return, seeing that made her heart ache. She had always hoped that after he'd left the force behind, Elliot would have found the peace he deserved.
As though he sensed a presence, Elliot stirred and opened his eyes. Upon seeing Olivia standing a few feet away from him, he smiled. Pulling himself into a sitting position, he stretched his arms overhead and yawned.
"Sorry about that, Liv. Guess you weren't the only one who needed a nap."
"Please, don't apologize for that."
Guilt washed over Olivia. Now she was more certain than ever that her screams the night before had woken him up. At least he had kept his promise and not come to inspect the situation or intervene on her behalf in any way. That would have been more than she could have handled. Because, if he had, he'd have definitely seen the scars that Lewis left behind. While she spent most of her days hidden in clothes that covered everything, she still preferred to sleep at night in tank tops, as sometimes the excess material rubbing against the sensitive skin irritated the injuries.
Shoving her wayward thoughts deep down inside, she instead tried to focus on the here and now. That meant getting outside the cottage – primarily to the pharmacy to the pick up her prescription. While she hated to do that chore with Elliot in tow, she was also equally reluctant to drive there for the first time alone, even though she would have had to if her former partner not shown up on her doorstep the night before.
"So, I was thinking...I need to run to the pharmacy in town real quick, but then I thought maybe we could walk to the beach? I know they are in opposite directions from each other, but the beach would give us a great opportunity to sit and talk, and I really want to check it out."
"That's fine with me, Liv. But after we drive to the pharmacy, why don't we swing by somewhere and pick up some food while we're at it? We can have our lunch on the beach. I have a huge blanket in the back of my truck."
Though she was inwardly cringing at the thought of trying to manage food again – she had barely handled one piece of toast this morning – Olivia felt herself nodding in agreement. It would feel strange being in a vehicle with Elliot again after all these years, but she wasn't frightened at the prospect. No matter how conflicted her feelings were, she did now for certain that she had nothing to fear from him. She never had, and she never would.
Olivia vaguely heard Elliot asking her if she would prefer being the one to drive them, and she was grateful for the offer. She knew he was trying to put the situation in her hands, and she greatly appreciated it. But truth be told, she was still feeling a little out of sorts from her nap earlier, and was more than willing to have him handle things. For the first time in weeks – months, even - Olivia Benson was giving up control to someone else.
The drive didn't take long, as the pharmacy Olivia was using was the same one located inside the local grocery store. They split up in separate directions, Elliot heading to pick up the items he'd forgotten to get for himself that morning. They met back up in the parking lot by his 'truck', which in reality was an SUV similar to what she drove. For some reason, Olivia had found the situation funny, as whenever Elliot had mentioned it, she was envisioning an actual pickup truck.
To find that their tastes were still similar – it turned out his vehicle was a recent purchase as well – did her heart good.
Now that their main task had been completed, it was on to the one that Olivia had been dreading. Elliot was going to ask her what she wanted to eat. Truth be told, she had no appetite at all. When he casually mentioned having seen a sandwich shop in the directory they'd looked through the night before, she agreed. Perhaps her reaction was more on autopilot than anything else, but her self preservation tactics were starting to kick in.
Using his cell phone to help give him directions, Elliot found the place easily. It was called Westside Market, and from the exterior, was somewhat deceiving in appearance. Apparently it was a traditional butcher shop and deli that also sold sandwiches, subs, and burgers for takeout. Upon seeing just how small the storefront was, Olivia's breathing began to quicken. How could she possibly be expected to go in there and not feel trapped? As though he picked up on her distress, Elliot offered a suggestion.
"I know we're miles away from the city, Liv, but I still don't feel right leaving a prescription in the car unattended. What would you say if I ran in there by myself and picked up something for us? It shouldn't take me but a few minutes."
Nodding, Olivia relaxed against the passenger seat once more. She was vaguely aware that he was asking her another question, most likely what she wanted to eat, but couldn't bring herself to form a response. At least she had been able to answer in the negative when he had inquired whether or not she was now a vegetarian before getting out of the vehicle.
Fortunately, they had arrived at an off time, and the place wasn't yet that busy. Ten minutes after he had entered the building, Elliot was back, opening the back door and laying down a paper sack. Then he hopped into the drivers seat, and they were on the road once more. When he asked her if she would mind stopping at the cottage to drop off the supplies he'd bought at the store, Olivia could only counter with the fact that they had decided earlier that they would be walking to the beach anyway.
Once everything was in its rightful place at the cottage, and Elliot had retrieved the blanket and a small cooler bag from the back of his SUV, they were ready to head on their way. Olivia offered to help by carrying something, but Elliot insisted he had everything under control.
As the beach was only a little over a block away, they reached their destination in mere minutes. It was easy enough to find the wooden walkway that led onto the sand from the sidewalk, and once they reached the end of it, they both slipped off their shoes to carry them. Neither had any desire to track sand back to the cottage. As they walked across the beach closer to the water, they observed how quiet it was. They truly would have privacy here today.
When they reached what they figured to be the perfect spot, Elliot set the cooler bag down, and they dropped their shoes. With Olivia's help, they managed to spread out the blanket, using their bare feet to hold it in place. They sat down side by side at an angle, not quite facing each other, but also so they could look out over the waves rolling in.
Though he knew that she had to have a lot on her mind, and likely wanted to talk, Elliot was more focused on trying to get more food in his former partner. He'd not forgotten the detail that she'd let slip the day before about her not having eaten for two days. On top of all that, the pizza they'd had last night had made her ill, and she'd barely been able to finish one piece of toast this morning. He hoped she'd be able to handle what he'd bought her for lunch. Opening the cooler bag, he removed the paper sack containing their sandwiches.
"Here, Liv. It's not much, because I know you haven't been feeling well, but I got you a turkey sandwich. I even had them cut it in half, so you can try eating it in small amounts."
Though he hadn't intended them to, his words inadvertently upset the woman sitting next to him.
"What do you mean by that? Who told you I haven't been feeling well? Just who have you been talking to?"
The questions came out at a staccato pace, each one more panicked than the other. For a minute, Elliot feared that Olivia would get up from her place on the blanket and take off at a run. Holding up his hands with his palms out, he tried to calm her.
"Nothing, Olivia. The only person I talked to recently was Cragen, and all he did was tell me that you were taking some time off from work, and where you'd be staying."
Seeing her relax slightly, he continued.
"The only reason I know you haven't been feeling well is because you were the one who told me you haven't been eating. That and the pizza we had last night at dinner didn't agree with you."
Olivia felt her cheeks flush with shame as she realized that Elliot was right. Here she had been accusing him of something he wasn't even guilty of, when all he was trying to do was help. The least she could do was attempt to take a few bites of the sandwich he had bought for her. He had, after all, remembered that turkey was her favorite.
It had taken a great deal of effort, and Elliot was long since finished with his sub, but after nearly an hour, Olivia had managed to eat half of the turkey sandwich. She'd even stolen one of Elliot's potato chips, craving that crisp, salty taste for the first time in as a long as she could remember. When she had finished, she felt like apologizing for not having eaten more, but all Elliot did was remind her that the rest would be there should she want it later.
With their stomachs now satisfied – or at least Elliot's was, Olivia was still praying her food would stay where it belonged – the two sat in silence. After some time, she finally decided it was time to address one of the many elephants in the room, or in this case, on the beach. Knowing there was no way she could even begin to reveal her secrets until she knew what had made her partner disappear from her life those three years ago, Olivia took a deep breath, and asked the one question she never thought she'd be able to voice.
"El? Where the hell have you been?"
A/N2: I got this out sooner than I had expected. I post one chapter as soon as I finish the next one, so this one is being posted after the completion of chapter 3. Then chapter 3 will go through a lengthy editing process while I begin to write chapter 4. Keep in mind that during all this, I'm also maintaining my other story, The Longest Relationship. But I was anxious to get this out, and didn't want to make you wait longer than necessary. Hopefully my muse will cooperate and I can have the next chapter up in about a week's time or so, or maybe a little after at the latest!