Disclaimer: SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. I own nothing.
A/N: Just wanted to give a Happy Birthday shoutout to two of my very good friends - Anne Bensler, whose birthday is today, and WriterKC, who will be celebrating hers on Monday. I hope you both have the best of days!
Olivia's words had been so plaintive, that Elliot didn't even think she was aware that she had slipped and called him by the nickname she had once used so often. Truth be told, hearing her say it again was like music to his ears. He'd missed her so desperately during the years of his self imposed exile, and now that the time had come to tell his story, he hoped she would understand.
"Okay, Liv. You deserve the truth. I've owed it to you for awhile now. All I ask is one thing – that you don't interrupt me. Some of this isn't going to be easy for me to tell."
She could only nod her head in confirmation to his request. She felt the words keenly in her heart, and knew that when the time came to tell her own story – if she was ever able to – that she'd be asking the same thing of him. As horrible of a person as it made her feel, she was grateful for small favors – perhaps hearing the tale of whatever Elliot had been through would direct the focus off her own problems long enough that she could forget just how miserable and traumatized she really was.
"I don't have to ask you if you remember that day in the precinct with Jenna. It's one I know neither of us will forget as long as we live. Anyway, after I gave my statement to IAB, I went home – I don't even remember how the hell I got there – I probably shouldn't have been driving, but that's beside the point."
Elliot licked his lips, a sheer sign of nerves, and his eyes were hazy as the memories washed over him. Reaching for a now empty water bottle on the blanket, he grasped it in his fingers, fidgeting with it. Olivia seemed to understand that he needed something to occupy his hands in order to keep from wringing them together.
"I was barely home for five minutes when Kathy started in on me, something or other I had told her I'd fix and hadn't gotten to, because we were so busy working Annette's murder case. All I had wanted to do was take a shower and wash the day away, try and let some of the shock wear off."
Despite all the inner turmoil that she was currently dealing with, Olivia was now battling with another familiar emotion – guilt. How she wished that she had insisted on staying by her partner's side that day, and driven him home. Or, even that she had taken him back to her apartment, if only for a few hours. But Cragen had told her to 'let him go', and she'd obeyed the Captain's instructions, believing that what Elliot needed most at that moment was space. How could she have been so wrong?
"Anyway, that night, I picked up a bottle, and didn't put one down again for quite some time. I didn't answer the phone, I barely ate, I rarely showered. When I would sleep, it would be for a few fitful hours on the couch in the early hours of the morning. Eventually, Kathy had reached her limit, and she gave me an ultimatum – either get help, or get out."
Olivia was suddenly hit with another wave of emotion, this one being anger at Elliot's wife. How could Kathy not have seen how much her husband was suffering? He had been in need of support and understanding! While maybe in her own way she had been trying to provide 'tough love', that certainly hadn't been the way to go about things. Yes, her priorities would have been to protect Eli and the other children, but Olivia knew instinctively that the only person Elliot would have been a danger to then was himself.
"I was helpless to do anything but agree with her, so I packed my things, and found a hole in the wall studio apartment in the city. That was when I mailed you the badge and medal, Liv. I knew I couldn't ever go back, but I wanted you to have something to remember me by. I was ashamed of the man I had become. Those thirteen years by your side were the best in my life, and you were the only one worthy of those items. I certainly wasn't."
She wanted to argue with him, but remembered her earlier promise, and kept her mouth shut. Still, his words brought a fresh wave of pain to her for a whole new set of reasons – he had entrusted her with that badge, and she no longer had it. As the reality of that fact washed over her anew, it made her want to weep. Even so, she was grateful that she had brought the Semper Fi medallion to Cape May with her. Maybe one day, she'd even be able to wear it around her neck again.
"I know I can never apologize to you enough for the way I left, but you have to believe me Olivia, I am sorry. In my mindset at the time, I honestly believed I was doing right by you in letting you go. When I was sober long enough, that is. When I was drunk – which was more often than not – all I could think was that I could never subject you to seeing me that way, not after what your mother put you through. I wouldn't be another person in your life to just disappoint you. I guess I did anyway, didn't I?"
No matter how much she had promised to keep silent, Olivia couldn't hold her tongue any longer. She had to tell Elliot something here and now. What he was talking about may be in the past, but that didn't matter – for them, it was their present.
"Elliot, I never wanted you to feel that way. You could have come to me with anything, and I wouldn't have judged you or looked at you any different. Would it have upset me to see you like that? Yes. But I would have welcomed you into my home with open arms and done whatever you needed."
He gave her a sad smile, grateful for her words, but there was so much more he had to tell her. He wasn't so sure she'd be as gracious by the time he was finished.
"It was another few months after that before I got my act together. In fact, it wasn't until I got a notice from Kathy saying that she had amended the divorce papers and filed for sole custody of Eli that I had any desire to sober up. By then, I was too late. I had already lost everything."
Elliot took a moment to reach into the cooler bag and grab another bottle of water. By now, his mouth was dry from all the talking, and he needed a drink. Aside from her one reassurance, Olivia had held true to her word and hadn't spoken. For that, he was grateful. Now, he was getting to the hard part – he was going to have to reveal a secret that someone else had known where he had been all this time. He feared this would cause irreparable damage to one of Olivia's most cherished relationships, and he dreaded continuing with the story.
"As I was saying, I had hit rock bottom. I knew if I continued down the path I was on, I wouldn't be alive much longer. I was either going to drink myself to death, or do something I wouldn't be able to take back. So, I called Cragen. I almost lost my nerve once I heard his voice on the phone, but he figured me out before I could say a word. He demanded to know where I was, and even threatened to run a trace on the line in order to find me if I didn't tell him myself."
Olivia was surprised by the revelation, but not altogether shocked. Being a recovering alcoholic himself, it was understandable that their former Captain would have been sympathetic to what Elliot had been going through. She could even make sense of the fact as to why Elliot had called Cragen and not her. But that still didn't explain three years worth of him missing from her life. Shifting on the blanket, she made herself more comfortable. There was a lot more that she needed to hear yet.
Elliot had concluded that chapter of his story by explaining that Cragen had gotten him involved with an AA program, and went to meetings with him on a daily basis until he was comfortable with going on his own. The man had also offered to be his sponsor, making himself available at any time day or night should Elliot feel himself slipping into old habits. Elliot had been faithful to his promises, and his recovery, committed to becoming sober. He had just been ready to undertake the ninth step – making amends to those he had hurt – when a phone call from out of the blue had altered the course of his life entirely.
Temporarily distracted from his trip down memory lane, Elliot stopped abruptly in his relation of his story to ask Olivia a question. There was no mistaking the anxiety in the tone of his voice.
"Do you remember Agent Kalke?"
"From the Bushido case? Elliot, are you trying to tell me that he -"
Elliot held up his hand, an attempt to calm Olivia as she visibly became more panicked at the mere thought of Andre Bushido. He knew exactly what thoughts were running through her mind at that very moment, because they were in his, too. The night she had come to find him when he'd been working undercover and had posed as a prostitute in an effort to save both of their lives. He'd ultimately taken two bullets later that same night, but it hadn't been her fault. The man he had been dealing with – Andre Bushido – was as violent as they came, and he'd been fortunate to escape with his life. As it had turned out, the man they had arrested alongside Bushido – Victor Tybor – had in fact been an undercover cop who was trying to bring down the entire smuggling operation. That had been a case that had stayed with Elliot for quite some time, not to mention the lingering threat that Bushido had thrown at him when he'd made the arrest.
"She was calling to tell me that an attempt had been made on Tybor's life while he and Bushido were in prison together. They didn't have exact proof, but were convinced that Bushido was the one responsible. They'd led the other prisoners to believe that Tybor was dead, and launched an investigation."
By now, Olivia's heart rate was starting to escalate – for several reasons. She'd known about the threat Bushido had leveled against her partner, she'd also known what the man was capable of. He'd never been able to show mercy to a colleague, just what would he do to someone who had crossed him?
"The other reason she called was that it was apparent that myself and my family were another potential target. With Tybor 'gone', that meant that Bushido would be getting himself another contact, presumably one on the outside. He's not a man who forgives easily, and it was likely he'd be coming after me."
"But they only knew you as Mike Kanicki."
Again, Olivia couldn't resist piping up. Maybe she could attribute that to her nerves, but there was something else nagging at her now, something she didn't want to even consider. Burying it deep within herself for the time being, she focused all of her attention on Elliot.
"It doesn't matter, Liv. Bushido's got connections. Hell, he probably knew who I really was by the time he was behind bars. The only reason I know he didn't make me as a cop from the get go is because I'm still breathing. He'd have likely killed me on sight if he had known. That's why I was so terrified for you that night – I was scared as hell one of them would find your badge."
"I was more worried about protecting you. Fat lot of good it did me, I still got you shot."
Elliot wanted to touch her and offer her comfort in that moment, she looked so miserable. But he remembered the way she had reacted the night before, and instead held his hand out in her direction, allowing her to choose to initiate the contact, just as she had with their initial hug when he'd first arrived. To his relief, Olivia placed her palm in his and held on tight.
"You didn't pull that trigger, he did. Besides, you were still there to save me."
Shaking the memories from her mind, Olivia tried again to focus on the present. She concentrated on the feel of Elliot's hand in her own, the warmth and strength she could draw from it. At a moment when she had started to feel her sanity slipping away again, it was something to ground her.
"So, Bushido was after you. What then? You got back together with Kathy and your whole family went into witness protection?"
Elliot offered her a grim smile and a shrug of his shoulders.
"That was the hard part. There was no concrete proof. Plus there was nothing that Bushido had done that I could testify against him for, he was already in prison. But Agent Kalke did suggest that I temporarily sever all contacts and move away. For my family's safety, it was best that they move, too."
Now, it seemed to be Elliot's turn to grow increasingly emotional. He swiped at his eyes, as though trying to prevent tears from falling. Once again, Olivia's heart broke for him, and she wished that she would have been able to help him in some way during all this. But any anger she may have felt had been rapidly fading since he had started telling his story.
"When I told Kathy the news, her first reaction was anger – not that I could blame her. But then, she started to blame me. She agreed to move, but only with the stipulation that I not be anywhere near them. I would be allowed to have video chats with the kids, but that was it. After the danger was over, it would be up to the older ones to decide on their own whether they wanted to see me, but she would be keeping sole custody of Eli."
Olivia squeezed his hand again. She knew how much it had to have broken his heart to be separated from his children. Once again, she was cursing Kathy for keeping Elliot apart from his youngest son, who probably hadn't even understood his father's absence in his life. At least the other Stabler children were all old enough to make their own choices.
"Kathy took the kids and moved to Florida. Maureen and Kathleen were able to transfer to all online courses, so they could finish their degrees at their respective schools. The twins just enrolled in a university near their new home."
Elliot took another breath. He was getting closer to the end of his story, but not quite there yet. There was a little bit more he needed to tell.
"It destroyed me inside to not be close to my family, but I couldn't risk so much as being in the same state as them. I almost left the country, too – trying to put their safety above all else – when I remembered an old friend of mine from the Marines."
Elliot went on to explain that he had known Paul Samuels since their first day of boot camp, when they had been not only bunkmates, but became fast friends as well. Even when they had left the service after their four year stint, they had tried to keep in touch. Since Paul lived in Sacramento, California, Elliot figured it would be a safe place he could go and at least know someone. When he'd called his friend, the man had not only offered him a place to stay, but a job as well.
Paul had done very well for himself over the years, and was the manager of a successful home contracting business. His own house was quite expansive, and there was even a guest house on his property – which is where he had suggested Elliot stay. Elliot was grateful for a place to live, and while he didn't know much about contracting, he knew he could handle manual labor.
"So that's where I've been living the past two years. I only used my computer once a week, and that was to talk to my kids. I know the internet was literally at my fingertips, but it would have been too painful to look up anything about you when I couldn't actually talk to you."
A stray tear escaped and made its way down Olivia's cheek. He had been through so much since she'd seen him last, and she had spent the better part of that time cursing him daily, believing that he didn't care about her. She had been so wrong. But now, she was filled with even more worry. Was it safe for him to be here? She had no concern for her own welfare, but simply couldn't bear it if something happened to Elliot because of her.
"But Elliot, you should have stayed away! If it's not safe for you to be here -"
Still hesitant to touch her, he held up a palm in an effort to calm her rising panic.
"I was just getting to that part, Liv. I got a phone call a month ago from Agent Kalke. They had found the evidence they needed not only against Bushido, but against the other members of the smuggling ring as well. Not only will they all be behind bars for the rest of their lives, but all of them were moved to solitary."
While Olivia thought that was appropriate, she was now worried that Elliot might be having trouble coming to terms with that arrangement. She remembered the time when they had dealt with the case of Callum Donavan. The man had attacked Elliot, pushing him off a roof – then blamed his behavior on his experiences in solitary confinement. In an effort to better understand where Callum was coming from, her partner had locked himself in a prison cell for three days, and come away with a new perception of just what it was like for the criminals they incarcerated.
"I know what you're thinking Liv, and while my mind may have been changed somewhat during that case, I think in this instance, the punishment fits the crime. It couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy."
The breeze was really coming off the ocean now, but this was the first time Olivia had taken notice of it. She had been so wrapped up in Elliot's story, that she was unaware of just how much time had passed, or how long they had been sitting here. And yet, she found a sense of peace in that, because for the first time in a long while, she had been allowed an escape from being inside her own head. Now that Elliot had been so candid with her, she knew that she owed him the truth, too, but she just wasn't sure she could do it today. Between therapy this morning, and absorbing all of his information this afternoon, it was just too much.
"I have a bit more to tell you, Liv. Then we can go back to the cottage. This last part won't take long. But if you're cold, we can go back now."
Olivia shook her head, indicating that she was fine. She was still having trouble bringing herself to say the words to him, though. Maybe it was because she realized he'd see through her lie. He always could.
"After I got the all clear, I knew I wanted to come back home. The first thing I did was call Kathy and the kids. They were all settled and happy in Florida, living near Clearwater Beach. I had figured that Kathy wouldn't want to leave and go back to New York, but the fact that the kids all wanted to stay as well really surprised me."
Elliot continued on a bit further, detailing about his cross country drive. He'd made the forty-two hour trip in a little over five days, stopping at motels along the way each night to get adequate rest. When he'd arrived in Clearwater Beach, Maureen and Kathleen let him stay at their apartment, which they'd begun renting together not long after their arrival. The twins came over to visit his first night, and it was a happy reunion between a father and his children. All that had been left was to see Eli.
When he'd stopped in on his ex wife and youngest son the following day, there was an unexpected surprise waiting for him. Not only had Kathy married again, but Eli was now calling his new stepfather "Dad", seemingly at his mother's insistence. When he saw Elliot, the first things he'd asked was 'Why didn't you love me anymore, Daddy? Why did you leave me?' Equally brokenhearted and angry, Elliot had turned to Kathy, demanding an explanation. He also informed her he would be doing whatever was necessary to get joint custody back now that the danger had passed.
"So, I spent a few weeks down in Florida with the kids. Then, when I got back to New York, I called Cragen. I wanted to check in with him, and was surprised when he told me that he'd retired. The first thing I asked about was you, and he told me that you were here in Cape May, taking an extended leave. You know the rest as to how I ended up here."
"But Elliot, you left your family – your children – for me? Why didn't you just stay in Florida with them? You could have settled down there and been happy."
Dodging her question for the time being, Elliot shook his head. He needed to get her back to the cottage. It was obvious that their conversation had taken its toll on her, in addition to whatever it was that she was already dealing with. He'd likely already piled more on her than she could handle as it was, but once the words had started tumbling out, it was like he had been set free from a weight that had held him prisoner for these past three years. Things may still not be perfect between them, but for the first time in forever, it felt like he was getting his best friend back.
Back at the cottage, Olivia was feeling more weary than she had anticipated from her afternoon out. She did know one thing for certain though – no matter how exhausted she felt, she did not want to take a second nap today.
As though sensing she needed space, Elliot didn't push Olivia any. Instead, he put the remaining bottles of water away in the fridge, along with the half sandwich that she hadn't eaten. Turning around, he saw her standing by the couch in the living room, looking at a loss for words. Attempting to put her more at ease, he made an offer.
"Liv, you mentioned last night that you brought your devices with you so you could connect to your streaming services. If you get the one you want to have down here, I'll help you hook it up, if you'd like."
Recognizing Elliot's attempt for what it was, Olivia tried her best to smile, even if she wasn't very successful. She was still overcome with emotion trying to process everything that he'd told her. Not just the fact that her former partner was now a recovering alcoholic, but that he'd quite literally had to abandon the only life he had ever known for his own safety. No wonder he hadn't been in touch with her for three years. But how could she tell him her own story now? How would she even begin to cope if the resulting guilt from learning about what had happened to her drove him back to the bottle? What was she going to do?
"Liv? Olivia?"
Olivia startled abruptly at the sound of her name being called, only to realize that it was just Elliot. Berating herself for her jumpiness, she focused her attention on him.
"I was just asking if you wanted me to make you a cup of tea while you were upstairs."
Managing a nod of confirmation, she headed toward the stairway, but not without first picking up the bag from the counter that contained her prescription. She was grateful that Elliot had never questioned her about it, because she wasn't sure how she would have explained. For all he knew, it could be something as benign as eye drops.
Once she was safe in her room, Olivia set the medicine bottle on the nightstand with the other two, making sure to touch it as little as possible. She still wasn't sure if she actually wanted to try taking it tonight, but then again, she had promised Dr. Lindstrom when this all began that she would cooperate. The worst that could happen was that it would be of no benefit. He'd only given her three pills to start with, and said that he could add to it when they talked at their next session. His decision would be based upon two things – her sleep and her comfort level.
Pushing those thoughts aside for now, she went into the bathroom to wash her face. Olivia couldn't help but laugh at the thought that as much as she showered these days – as well as washed her hands and face – her skin should be rubbed raw by now. But there were no outward signs that she could notice that her newfound compulsion had any adverse effect.
Back out in the room, she stripped off the belt she had been wearing, relieved to be rid of it. While once a part of her daily attire, now she found the accessory confining, but completely necessary. Ever since her first ordeal with Lewis, and now the second, she had lost so much weight that none of her clothes fit properly. She simply hadn't had the interest in buying new ones. Switching back to the leggings she'd had on this morning, Olivia searched her trunk for the streaming boxes she had brought along, along with the remotes. After setting both boxes and remotes on the chest of drawers momentarily, she went back to the bed. Grabbing the fleece throw from where she had left it earlier, she flung it over one shoulder, not realizing that the one pill bottle containing her sleeping medication had been knocked to the floor in the process. Picking up the one streaming box, she headed out of the room and downstairs to the kitchen.
"Hey, Liv. Your phone went off while you were upstairs. It didn't ring or anything, so I think it was just an incoming text. Don't worry – I didn't look."
It seemed strange to Olivia that Elliot had to assure her of such a thing, when in another life, he would have simply taken the message for her. They had been so in sync in those days, and there wasn't anything they hadn't shared – from theories on a suspect to whatever they were having for lunch. Never in a million years would she have believed this is where they would be now, walking on eggshells around each other. But he was here, and that still meant the world to her, so that had to count for something. As far as getting back on track with each other, well, she had at least six months in this place to figure that out.
Elliot met her on the opposite side of the counter, just as she was reading a text message from Fin. Her friend was only making sure that she was settling in okay, and giving her his word yet again that he'd take care of everything back in New York. Though still a detective himself, she knew that Fin would never let anyone try and strong arm her out of a job. Her office as Sergeant would be waiting for her upon her return – if they ever allowed to.
Accepting the mug of tea from Elliot's outstretched hand, Olivia exchanged it for the streaming box and HDMI cable she held in hers. Then she followed him into the living room and settled herself on the couch while she watched him go to work by the TV set with the simple setup of the device.
Tucking one of the throw pillows behind her back, Olivia arranged the blanket over her legs, leaving them stretched out. Even though this couch was the lone piece of furniture to sit on in the living room, it was quite spacious. Elliot would be able to join her again without either of them feeling crowded, although they had managed to sit side by side on the blanket today at the beach without issue. Still, it felt good to be able to relax.
Taking a few lengthy sips of tea, she set the mug down on the coffee table and snuggled further against the pillow. Despite her promise to herself not long ago that she wouldn't nap again today, Olivia found herself growing drowsy. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to close her eyes for just a few minutes. But she couldn't bear the thought of climbing those stairs again. She was simply too exhausted.
"Liv? I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but please tell me you remembered to pack the remote for this."
With a groan of frustration, Olivia threw her head back against the cushion behind her. The remote – she'd left it upstairs. Doing a brief mental inventory to make certain nothing incriminating or embarrassing was sitting out on full display, she seriously considered sending Elliot up to her room to get it. The only thing he could really find would be her medications, and even if he did snoop further – he was still Elliot Stabler after all – the only thing that would result in was prompting a conversation. She knew he would respect her wishes in delaying that as long as necessary. Anything would be better at this point than climbing those stairs herself.
"Yes, Elliot. I have the remotes. I just left both of them on the chest of drawers in my room. If you wouldn't mind getting the one? It's labeled 'LR' with a piece of tape on the front. My door is open."
Elliot double checked that she was sure she wouldn't mind him being in her personal space, then promised he would be back with the remote soon. First things first, he wanted to change into something more comfortable himself. As he observed Olivia getting more settled on the couch, Elliot couldn't help but wonder if he'd find her asleep when he got back.
It didn't take him that long to change, though Elliot was still amazed by the fact that he could fit the whole of his life into a rucksack, a large suitcase, and a duffel bag. Granted, he still had the storage unit back in New York, but he had no need for any of the things there just yet – he wondered if he ever would again.
After stopping in the bathroom, he padded across the hall to where Olivia's bedroom was. This was going to be his first time actually setting foot inside it, even though he'd stood outside her door the night before. Spying the remote lying where she'd said it would be, he walked over to retrieve it. He'd had it in his hand and was turning around to head out when something on the floor caught his eye.
It was a prescription bottle, bearing the name of the pharmacy they had visited today. This must have been why Olivia had needed to go to store. But something was wrong – for only having just been filled, it was incredibly light, not even a full bottle.
Hating himself for snooping further, and invading her privacy, Elliot turned the bottle in his fingers to scan the label. When his eyes fell across the name zolpidem tartrate, his heart began to race. Sleeping pills? He tilted the amber container, shaking it, counting only three tablets remaining. Images played in his mind of how drowsy Olivia had been before he'd come upstairs. What the hell had she done?
Shoving the pill bottle into his pocket, Elliot cursed mightily as he realized his phone was sitting downstairs on the coffee table. He needed to get to Olivia – and fast. There might still be time to wake her up, keep her talking. Then he could call 911 and get her help.
He'd made it down the stairs so fast, he wasn't even sure he'd taken the time to use all the steps properly. That didn't matter right now. All that mattered was Olivia. Shoving the coffee table away from the couch, not caring in the slightest at the tea that sloshed out of her mug and onto the surface, Elliot sat by her hip. Without even thinking logically, he grabbed Olivia by the biceps, pulling her into a sitting position, shaking her slightly. His voice was laced with panic.
"Liv! Wake up, Liv! Talk to me! Tell me, how many did you take? How many did you take?"
Startled out of her sleep, all Olivia could comprehend was that someone was invading her personal space. That and two hands had a firm grip on her upper arms. She was propelled back in time once more, and squeezed her eyes shut tight to avoid looking at whomever was with her. There were fingers on her lips now, trying to force them open. It had to be Lewis – he was going to make her take more pills – only to chase them down with vodka. She wouldn't do it. It didn't matter if he killed her. Olivia kept her eyes closed, playing possum, and waited until the two fingers were just inside her mouth. Then she bit down as hard as she possibly could.
Elliot bit back a curse as he pulled his hand back reflexively, checking for blood. Her teeth had broken the skin somewhat, but the wound wasn't bad. He'd been trying to sweep Olivia's mouth with his fingers, in an attempt to induce vomiting to bring up the pills she'd taken, and she had bitten him! But wait a minute – she was talking again – and while not completely lucid, she didn't sound like she was drugged, either. Just what was going on?
"I changed my mind Lewis. I won't do anything it takes. Just kill me."
Elliot felt the same feeling return as he'd had the night before when he'd watched her have the flashback. In addition to being terrified, he was sick to his stomach. Just who in the hell was this Lewis, and what had the man done to her? Realizing that he wasn't going to get any answers out of Olivia right now, he went back to the prescription bottle. It couldn't have been very long since she'd taken the pills, so the window hadn't closed yet. The damage could still be reversible. He just needed to be able to tell the medics how many she'd taken.
Looking at the label once more, he studied it for a quantity amount, so he could do the math with the remainder of pills left in the bottle. When he saw the number glaring up at him, Elliot felt like a complete idiot. Three. There had only been three pills in the prescription. She hadn't even taken any yet. She hadn't overdosed. Not only had he jumped to conclusions and made a complete ass out of himself, but he had triggered yet another flashback episode for Olivia, sending her headfirst into an untold hell.
Immediately releasing his grasp on her, Elliot moved away, though it destroyed him to do so. But he knew what Olivia needed most in this moment was space, and not him hovering. She had slipped into somewhat of a catatonic state at this point, and was staring straight ahead unblinking. It was like she wasn't registering his presence in the slightest.
A phone rang then, and Elliot found himself cursing the interruption. That was when he realized the sound was coming from his cell, and not Olivia's. Taking a cautious step toward the coffee table, he glanced at the display. When he saw who was calling, he answered immediately.
"Don."
"Hello, Elliot. I had promised myself I would give you two some time, but I just had to know how things were going there. Have you seen Olivia?"
Though he knew none of this was his former Captain's fault, Elliot couldn't help but feel frustration toward his onetime mentor. Now that the same man was now his sponsor, there was a different relationship between them – a shared connection. Deep down, he understood that whatever had happened to Olivia hadn't been Don's story to tell. As it was, he had likely been testing the boundaries by revealing her location. Still, Elliot was at a loss with how to proceed.
"If you're asking if she's punched me yet, Don, then the answer is no. But things haven't exactly been what I would call easy between us."
Don chuckle trickled over the line, and Elliot could picture the man shaking his head, much the same way he always had when he and Olivia had been partners. They'd always worked beautifully together, but could often push each others buttons like no other, and typically drove everyone else around them crazy when that happened.
"Have you told her about the last three years?"
"We had that talk this afternoon, actually."
"I see."
Now, Elliot could hear the hint of admonition in Don's voice. This time, it wasn't coming from a Captain scolding one of his Detectives, but rather a sponsor concerned for a fellow recovering alcoholic. Before he could say another word, Elliot tried to explain.
"It wasn't that I didn't want to tell her sooner, Don. It was just that, well, some things happened last night and today that I wasn't expecting."
Now, Cragen's voice was laced with regret and worry. Because he knew something that Elliot did not, his fear was that Olivia may have pushed herself too far too soon. He knew deep in his heart that Elliot would never intentionally hurt her, no matter what had happened in the past. But both still had so much healing that needed to happen on individual levels, as well as between them, before they could take things any further.
"Oh, Elliot. Don't tell me that the two of you -"
"What? No! I can assure you, no! I'd never have allowed that to happen, especially once I saw how vulnerable she was. I know you can't tell me the details, Don, but something happened to her, didn't it?"
The only thing that Elliot heard next was a pained whisper of confirmation in his ear. Even though he had already intuited it for himself, having the knowledge be concrete destroyed him inside. There was one another thing he had to ask, although he suspected he knew the answer to the next question, too.
"I'm going to need a meeting when she finally tells me the truth, aren't I?"
"Yes. Also, you're going to need to remember that you can call me at any time – day or night."
Feeling a sharp pain in his chest, Elliot tried to resist the urge to sink to his knees. This wasn't about him. He couldn't make it about him. He would have to dig deep and be strong for Olivia, and use whatever resources were at his disposal to help him do that.
"It's bad, isn't it, Don?"
"The Olivia you know and love is still there, Elliot. Just remember that."
Elliot's conversation with Don continued a few minutes longer. By the time he hung up, he was filled with a deep sense of foreboding. Olivia had a story of her own to tell, and it was one that could break them both. His own saga had been hard enough to share, but instinct told him that whatever she had lived through paled in comparison.
Looking up, he saw that Olivia was watching him with a guarded expression. Her face was flushed with shame, and he could tell that she wanted to crawl inside herself right now and hide from the world. It was the same embarrassment that had taken over her features the night before. The fact that he was responsible for putting it there – again – hurt him even more.
"Liv."
"Don't say anything, Elliot, please. I'm humiliated enough as it is."
Daring to step closer, he was determined to explain.
"It's not that, Olivia. I owe you an apology. I jumped to a horrible conclusion, and I should have trusted you better."
"What do you mean?"
Taking her confused question as permission to step a bit closer, Elliot picked up the prescription bottle from the coffee table and extended it in her direction. Olivia accepted it, but he noticed she made every effort not to touch him in the process. As recognition registered, anger began to take hold.
"You went through my things? How could you?"
"Liv, I went into your room to get the remote – that's all. As I was leaving, I found the prescription bottle on the floor. I swear all I planned to do was pick it back up again and set it on your nightstand, but then I saw there were so few pills in it. When I noticed exactly what it was, I panicked."
Quiet reigned in the room for several minutes as Olivia absorbed just what Elliot was telling her. His explanation seemed innocent enough. If she thought about it, she could even almost remember hearing a small noise just as she had been grabbing the blanket that could have meant something had fallen. She'd just been so weary that all she'd wanted to do was get downstairs and rest. Her next words were very softly spoken, but Elliot heard her just the same.
"You thought I'd OD'd on purpose, didn't you? Tried to kill myself? I guess I should be grateful that you were trying to wake me up on your own first before calling for help. That would be the last thing I'd need right now is to be reported for a possible suicide attempt."
Something in the way she had said the words chilled Elliot to the bone. But he knew better than to question her further on it right now, so instead he focused on his apology.
"For what it's worth, Liv, I am sorry. I never meant to upset you."
"Elliot, just because you're retired now doesn't mean you've stopped thinking like a cop. If our positions had been reversed, I likely would have come to the same conclusion you did. I can't be mad at you for being concerned about my safety."
He must have looked confused by her admission, because Olivia went on to elaborate further.
"I told you yesterday, being angry with you requires an energy I don't have right now. There likely will come a time when I'll unload all my frustrations, but it isn't going to happen today. Especially not after everything you told me on the beach."
Elliot was relieved, but he still knew the conversation was far from over. There was so much more he wanted to know. But he wouldn't push her.
"May I sit with you?"
"As long as you understand I'm all talked out for now, yes."
Elliot nodded his confirmation and took another step closer to the couch, but not sitting down just yet. Instead he gestured to her mug of spilled tea.
"How about I make you another tea, to make up for spilling this one?"
"That sounds great, thanks."
Taking the mug with him into the kitchen, Elliot put on the kettle. Then he returned briefly to clean up the mess on the coffee table. Making sure there was no more tea left behind, he folded up the cloth he'd been using and left again. Olivia had been quiet as she'd watched him, but her eyes had been soft. He'd had a feeling she was going to say something when the whistling of the tea kettle had sounded, breaking the mood.
A few minutes later, Elliot was back again, bringing a fresh mug of hot tea for Olivia and a bottle of water for himself. After getting situated on the opposite end of couch, he got comfortable and then reached for the remotes.
"Did you have anything in mind you wanted to watch?"
"You can put on whatever you want. My focus hasn't been the greatest lately, so I doubt I'd even be able to follow along or even remember the plot of any TV show or movie at this point. I mainly keep things on just for background noise now."
The more things about Olivia that Elliot observed – the flashbacks, the night terrors, the lack of appetite, even the guarded way she held herself - were all clear signs that told him his partner had been through an extremely traumatic ordeal. With every passing moment in her presence, his concern for her only escalated. How he wished he could erase the missing years between them so she would trust him again. He may not be able to take away all of her pain, but he would do whatever it took to help her bear it.
Ruefully, Elliot realized that even if he had been there for Olivia all this time, she still may not have let him in. He remembered a time in the past when she had gone undercover in a woman's prison, much to his dismay. They'd suspected one of the CO's had been guilty of raping the daughter of an inmate, and was also sexually assaulting the prisoners under his charge. Lowell Harris, the man responsible for the crimes, had cornered Olivia in the basement of the prison, and attempted to force her to perform oral sex on him. He'd likely have killed her, too, had Fin not come in when he had. It had taken months before his partner had been able to confide in him what had happened. She'd always just insisted that she was 'fine' – even though he had clearly been able to see that she wasn't.
The lack of trust had hurt, but Elliot had known it had been his own fault. During one of their worst cases together as partners, he'd been forced to choose between Olivia and a child. Believing his partner to be mortally wounded, he'd run to her side, and an innocent had died. As a result, he'd fought with her later in the squad room about it, laying the blame on her shoulders that he hadn't been ready to carry on his own. To this day, he still hasn't been able to forget the look on Olivia's face when he'd shouted at her that he couldn't always be coming to her rescue.
From that moment on, the relationship between them had been strained. They had eventually gotten back on track, but Olivia had always been determined to prove her worth to him – sometimes at the risk of putting herself in more danger. On the few occasions she would be hurt, be it physically or emotionally, she would mask her pain, hiding it from not only the world, but him as well.
In Elliot's eyes, that was exactly what Olivia was doing now. Her face was the epitome of the perfect mask – a facade designed to trick anyone and everyone who saw her into thinking that she was just fine. But he hadn't known her all these years for nothing. He'd also been through his own personal hell, so he knew the signs as effectively as if he were looking in a mirror. She might be convincing herself that she was 'fine' for now – but one day, and one day soon, Olivia was going to break. He just had to be sure that he was there to catch her when she fell.
After making it through one movie – he had deliberately chosen a comedy to keep the mood light – Elliot glanced over to his side to observe Olivia. She was still awake, but just as she'd predicted earlier, clearly not paying attention. Her knees were drawn into her chest again, and she was absentmindedly picking at a piece of lint on the fleece blanket that was thrown over her legs. He did find a small bit of comfort in seeing that she'd been able to drink the entire mug of tea that he'd made for her earlier.
As much as Elliot hated to broach the subject, it was getting to be early evening, and he needed to start thinking about making dinner. He knew that the mere mention of food would bring up an argument from Olivia, but he was hoping to encourage her to at least try and eat something. All she'd had today was the piece of toast at breakfast, and the half sandwich when they were on the beach – plus the lone potato chip she had stolen. That total didn't even amount to an entire meal's worth of food, let alone enough for an entire day.
In an effort to keep the peace between them, while also taking into consideration her tender stomach, he did a mental inventory of some of the groceries he had purchased during his first trip to the store this morning. While normally it was a dish that would taste better if it were cooked all day, he could make Wedding soup.
One of his fondest childhood memories, it was a favorite recipe that his mother would make – when she had been feeling well enough to cook. A simple soup made with chicken broth, spinach, tiny meatballs, and acini de pepe pasta, it was topped with freshly grated parmesan cheese.
It wouldn't be the traditional recipe that he would be following tonight, though, as he'd be taking a few shortcuts. He'd bought frozen spinach instead of fresh, and even purchased prepared miniature meatballs in lieu of making his own. His mother would likely admonish him for it, but desperate times called for desperate measures. The important thing here was that he got Olivia to eat.
"Liv? I'm going to head into the kitchen and get started on dinner."
To his surprise, she actually acknowledged him, blinking once before turning her head in his direction. Then his hopes sank again with her words.
"Make something for yourself if you like, El, by all means. But I'm not hungry."
What would she have done had he not arrived last night, Elliot wondered. Would she have stayed here in Cape May, a few hours away from everyone she knew and loved, and quietly wasted away? Granted, she had only just arrived yesterday, but the sheer thought of her living here for an extended period of time on her own without someone looking in on her terrified him.
"I'm making dinner for both of us, Liv. I can promise you, it's not going to be anything major – just some soup. If for some reason you don't like what's in it, then you can just have a few sips of the broth. But you need to get something nourishing in you."
Olivia was defeated. She didn't want to eat – the toast this morning and the half sandwich earlier had taken all of her willpower to choke down. But she didn't want to fight with Elliot, either. She needed that energy for other things, and it couldn't be wasted on petty squabbles over food. Plus, in all the years that she'd known him, she'd never been aware that her former partner could cook. It would be interesting to see what he would come up with.
"Okay, I'll try some. After all, it's not everyday that Elliot Stabler cooks for me."
Smiling now, Elliot got up from the couch. After a brief search of the cabinets, he found a three quart enamelware cooking pot that he could use. He didn't plan on making a big batch of soup, after all, it was just the two of them eating. If Olivia liked it and wanted more, he'd gladly go to the store again tomorrow to buy the ingredients.
After taking what he needed out of the refrigerator, Elliot set himself up a small station on the counter by the stove. Though they weren't traditionally included in wedding soup, his mother had always added carrot and celery, so he was, too. Plus he figured the inclusion of vegetables would provide some extra nutrition for Olivia. Drizzling the tiniest amount of olive oil in the bottom of the now hot pot, he added the onions he'd chopped and allowed them to saute. The carrots and celery were next.
Once the vegetables were soft, he poured in the broth. There wasn't much to do at this point except wait for the liquid to come to a boil, so while he was waiting, he moved on to another task. In reality, Elliot knew that soup alone wouldn't be enough of a meal to satisfy him for dinner. But there was still some leftover pizza from the night before in the fridge, and he could always have some of that later – provided the smell of it wouldn't make Olivia feel ill. If not, he could always eat it cold or wait until she went to bed.
Drawing his focus back to the stove, Elliot noticed that the broth had reached a boil. Knowing that the meatballs would take the longest to cook, he added them first. Next, he added the pasta, and finally the spinach, which he'd thawed in the fridge all day in preparation for tonight. Now it would only be a few more minutes until dinner was ready.
"Liv? Dinner's almost done. Did you want to eat at the table tonight, or in the living room?"
With a laugh that sounded forced, Olivia answered him.
"I think I'd better come to the table. You did make soup, and my goal is to try and eat it, not wear it."
"That seems fair. Do you want anything to drink?"
Olivia replied that water would be fine. While Elliot waited for the soup to finish coming together, he worked on a few final touches for their meal. First, he sliced a fresh baguette that he'd bought at the store's bakery that morning, arranging the pieces of bread in a basket that he'd found. Then, he brought that to the table along with a wedge of parmesan cheese and handheld rotary grater so that they could top off their bowls.
After ladling the soup out, he carried them over to the table, where Olivia was already waiting for him. She was eyeing the bread warily, almost as though she expected him to force the entire loaf upon her plate. On his last trip, Elliot returned with butter for the bread, and two bottles of water.
"No pressure, Olivia. I just want you to eat as much as you can. I purposely didn't fill your bowl up so you wouldn't feel overwhelmed."
"Thank you."
Elliot was quite pleased with how dinner had gone. Not necessarily in terms of how much Olivia had eaten – she'd only finished half of the soup in her bowl and half a slice of bread before she was pushing it away – but in terms of their conversation. Now that she knew the truth, she felt comfortable asking him questions about his kids. It was, quite honestly, the most animated he'd seen her since he had arrived.
When they were done, it was an even more worried Elliot who cleared the bowls away. He'd only given her half a bowl of soup to start with - the total volume couldn't have amounted to more than a cup – and she'd barely eaten half of it. Four ounces of soup did not a meal make. It didn't even count as a snack. Briefly, his mind flashed to the half sandwich that still remained in the fridge, and he wondered if he could somehow encourage Olivia to eat it before she went to bed later tonight. Shaking his head ruefully, Elliot knew it was a lost cause. No matter what she was going through, Olivia was still a grown woman. He couldn't force her to eat. Encourage, yes. But he couldn't make her. It was something she had to want to do for herself.
After he'd cleaned up the kitchen, Elliot returned to living room. He found Olivia in the same position as before – tucked up in one corner of the couch, her knees pulled against her chest. This time though, she had her phone in her hand, staring at the blank display. Approaching cautiously, so as not to startle her, he called to her softly.
"Liv? You okay?"
"No."
Hurrying to join her, he sat again on the opposite end, and looked at her with concern.
"Liv, what is it?"
"There is something I haven't told you, but I don't know if I can."
He wanted to take her hand then, offer some type of comfort, but was so hesitant to touch her. Especially after their recent interactions involving physical contact.
"I want you to know that you can tell me anything, but only if you're ready."
"I feel I owe you, you've been so open with me."
Elliot's eyes were filled with compassion as he regarded the woman sitting across from him.
"It's not a matter of owing, Liv."
"I can't tell you."
The words stung more than he thought they would. Still, Elliot resigned himself to accept it. He hoped that one day she'd be able to trust him again. Until then, he'd support her as he always had in the past. As though she'd registered his hurt expression, Olivia attempted to explain.
"No, Elliot – what I meant is I literally can't tell you. I can't say the words. I can't bring myself to say them again. Call it denial if you want, but the more I say them, the more real it becomes. But I do want you to know the truth."
It was quiet for a moment, as though she was thinking something over.
"Do you have an e-mail address?"
"Of course."
Elliot watched as she picked up the phone and dialed a number. He wasn't sure what exactly she was up to, and felt anxiety creeping up in him yet again. While he desperately wanted to know her story, there was a part of him that wanted to stay in the dark a little longer. Once he was thrown into the same reality as she was, it would be a struggle to maintain the strong facade he'd been able to keep so far in her presence. He couldn't break down on her now, not when she needed him.
"Fin?"
Elliot was surprised by the turn things had taken, but not shocked. Of course Olivia and Fin would have remained close after his departure. While he and the other detective had often disagreed, they both had always had Olivia in common.
"I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner, thank you again for sending that text to check up on me."
"Of course Liv. I told you, I've got your back. But something tells me this isn't a social call, or else you wouldn't be calling me at work. What's going on?"
Olivia tried not to sigh. Of course Fin would figure her out.
"I'm going to tell you something, but I don't want you to get upset. Just hear me out, okay?"
"You know you can tell me anything, Liv."
Closing her eyes, Olivia took a deep breath. She knew her friend wasn't going to take this first bit of news well. Despite his promises, she was prepared for his outburst.
"Elliot's here. He showed up last night."
"WHAT? That bastard! Did he upset you? To hell with work, I can be in Cape May in less than two hours if I floor it. Do you need me to come talk to him for you, make him leave?"
There it was. Olivia mused. No matter how conflicted she was in the moment, it did her heart good to know that Fin still had her best interests at heart.
"You don't need to do that. I won't say I'm not upset with him, but he's explained his reasons, Fin, and they are valid. He didn't know – he doesn't know."
Something in the tone of her voice must have convinced the man on the other end of the line, because Fin didn't insist any more. For that, Olivia was grateful. Now, came the hard part – the favor she was needing to ask him. Given that she was technically his superior officer, even though not an acting one at this moment, she hoped he would acknowledge her request.
"I need you to compile my files – since the cases are all closed now, you should be able to access them – and send the PDF documents to Elliot's e-mail address. I'm authorizing my consent that he is allowed to read them."
Now, there was even more concern in Fin's voice.
"Liv, are you sure?"
"I can't tell him Fin. I want him to know, but I can't say the words. Not again, not this soon."
Fin assured her that he would do as she asked. Then, to her surprise, he asked to speak to Elliot. She'd expected to be the one to relay the e-mail address, or even text it later. Holding the phone out to Elliot, she said words she hadn't thought she would.
"He wants to talk to you."
Elliot, who had been quietly observing Olivia's end of the call, accepted the cell and brought it to his ear. Much like it had been over three years since he'd last seen his partner before showing up at the door yesterday, the same amount of time had passed since he'd last spoken with with Fin.
"Hello, Fin. Yes, I'm well aware that I'm a bastard for leaving her. No, I don't have any intention of ever doing it again – not unless she asks me to."
Elliot listened as Fin railed at him some more, not bothering to make any apologies. He'd already apologized to the only people who mattered. One day, he'd tell his story to his other colleagues as well, but now was not the time. The conversation was changing quickly now – where once he was being admonished, now Fin was warning him.
"I'll be sending the files to you via e-mail like Liv asked, but take caution in reading them Stabler. Don't do it on a full stomach. I know you were on the force a lot of years, but you've never seen or heard anything like this – and it involves someone you love."
"Fin"
He tried to argue, but it was useless.
"Stabler, whether you admit it or not, you've always loved her. Just like she's always loved you. Just because you were never together doesn't mean it wasn't real. She's going to need you now, more than ever before. Don't let her down, or you'll have to answer to me."
"I won't."
The call ended, with Fin promising to send files for him to read as soon as Liv texted his e-mail address. For reasons he couldn't quite explain, Elliot felt himself breaking out in a cold sweat. Just what kind of horrors was he about to find out about regarding Olivia?
Weary from the various turns the day and night had taken, Olivia was more than ready for bed. After texting Elliot's e-mail address to Fin, she stood from the couch. Grabbing her bottle of sleeping pills that were still on the coffee table from the misunderstanding that afternoon, she started to head toward the stairs.
"I'm sorry, Elliot, for being such poor company tonight. Please, do me a favor – when you do get those files – read them with caution. If it gets to be too much for you, stop. I don't want you to have a setback in your recovery because of me. If you should need a meeting, I'll understand. I'll even understand if you never want to see me again after learning about what happened to me."
Olivia sounded so small and broken then, and Elliot wanted nothing more than to hold her in his arms and reassure her. He hoped that one day in the near future, he'd be able to offer physical comfort without the risk of triggering her by accident. For now, though, he simply wanted to make her understand that he was here for her, no matter what.
"You heard me talking to Fin not long ago, Liv. I'm not leaving you ever again – unless you tell me to. In fact, and I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries by saying this, I can stay here with you until you're ready to be on your own."
Elliot had expected to see annoyance, maybe even anger on Olivia's face, but the only expression reflected there was one of relief. Was this something she had been wanting to ask him today but had been afraid to ask? He wasn't going to push her any more tonight, though.
"Goodnight, Liv. I hope you get some sleep. Don't worry, I'll remember the rules from last night."
"Goodnight El. I want you to get some sleep, too. I'll see you in the morning. Maybe I'll even let you convince me to eat some toast again, too."
With those words, and a half smile, Olivia made her way up the stairs, leaving Elliot alone. His phone chimed not long after, indicating an incoming e-mail. These were the files he had equally been anticipating and dreading. He knew he had Olivia's permission to view them, but he still felt like it was going to be a huge invasion of her privacy.
Locking up for the night, Elliot decided against any kind of extra food for himself. Instead, he grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and went upstairs to his room. Settling himself on the bed, he took out his tablet and opened the files and began to read. Little did he know, he was going to be in for one of the longest nights of his life.