A/N: Once again I'd like to thank purpleomaddy for previewing this for me. I would have tried to publish this sooner, but in preparing chapter 10, it was quite the emotional journey. (I like to try and stay one chapter ahead with this one). Thank you for your patience.
Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
Elliot tried to hurriedly clear the cobwebs from his brain and focus on the phone call that had woken him from a troubled slumber. He needed to be one hundred percent alert for this – it was Olivia on the phone, and if she was contacting him after midnight, the reason had to be an imperative one. Had she succeeded in her escape attempt after all? No. He dismissed that thought as quickly as it had come. If she had indeed been able to make her way out of the hospital, she would not be calling him to alert him of her presence. Instead, Elliot surmised that her endeavors had failed. In her frustration, she was seeking out comfort from any available source.
"Liv? What is it? Where are you?"
No sooner had the rapid-fire string of questions left his lips, Elliot was admonishing himself for his urgency. The last thing he needed to do was instill further panic in a woman who was likely already at her wit's end. She needed him to remain calm, and he would do anything she asked – within reason. Forcing himself to keep composed, he repeated the questions, this time with less exigency than before.
"Olivia? Are you all right? Can you tell me what is going on?"
Yet again, a tearful plea echoed over the line. The voice that filled his ears sounded nothing like the formidable partner who had walked by his side for over half of his career as a police officer, and instead resembled a woman who had reached her breaking point. It broke his heart, especially considering he held himself responsible. Even though he had not personally signed the papers admitting Olivia to the hospital, had he been her medical proxy, he would have. He would have done whatever was necessary to get her the help she so desperately needed.
Right now, none of that mattered. What she needed in this moment apparently, was him. Unfortunately, getting a coherent sentence out of his friend was all but impossible in her current state. Instead, Elliot opted for methods of distraction, keeping her on the line by telling her stories about his children. Though she'd likely heard them all before, there was comfort in the familiarity, and her overstimulated breathing began to abate into a more even cadence.
To his left, Elliot gradually became aware of Don making a phone call of his own. He wasn't sure exactly when the older man had awakened, but he was grateful that someone else was taking initiative so he could focus all of his energies on Olivia. Without a doubt, he knew Don was phoning the hospital, most likely to talk with Olivia's nurse.
"Olivia, can you tell me where you are?"
Now that she was calmer, Elliot tried again to get some information out of her. He still wasn't sure if she would answer him, but he knew he had to try. If he concentrated hard enough, it sounded as though there were other voices in the background, and perhaps even some knocking.
"In the bathroom."
Repeating the words out loud for Don's benefit, Elliot heard the other man confirm that on his own call. Knowing what he must do next, and hoping it wouldn't break the fragile bond of trust that had been reestablished so recently, Elliot questioned Olivia once more.
"Are you hurt at all?"
Elliot held his breath while he waited for an answer. First and foremost, he hoped Olivia would be honest with him. But after that, he prayed she would not see the question as yet another betrayal and sever their connection. This phone call was their lone method of maintaining contact, as it was apparent she was completely ignoring hospital staff, and they were yet unable to unlock the door in order to get to her.
"I was bleeding a little from where I removed the IV, but that has pretty much stopped. Other than that, I'm fine. I just want to get out of here."
Exhaling a sigh of relief, Elliot reaffirmed his understanding that he knew how unhappy she was in that given moment. However, he was unable to make the one promise that he knew she wanted most from him – that he would come to the hospital to bring her home. Instead, he waited until Don passed him a written message stating that the staff would be willing to overlook the visitor's rules for the time being and allow them to come and see their friend.
Don was the first to dress, then he went next door to alert Fin. The two men would be going to the hospital together. Once he was alone, Elliot switched his phone to speaker mode so he could change his clothes and throw a few items into a backpack. So long as the nurses were extending permission, and provided Olivia gave her consent as well, he didn't plan on leaving her side for the rest of the night. It didn't matter how uncomfortable of a chair he would have to sit in, he would keep vigil as long as she would let him.
Locked inside her temporary sanctuary, Olivia continued to ignore those on the other side of the door who were trying to get her attention. Instead, she clung to the phone in her hand, finding solace in the voice coming from the opposite end of the line. For now, she had temporarily forgotten about her frustrations with the man she was talking to. Despite what had happened yesterday, he was still someone she could trust.
"Elliot? Where are you now?"
"I'm on my way to the hospital, Liv. The nurses have agreed to overlook the rules for tonight and let us come and visit you."
Olivia covered her mouth with the palm of her hand to keep a sob from breaking free. He'd said 'visit'. He was coming, yes, but not to take her home. Somehow though, the knowledge didn't reignite her anger and frustration with him or the others. Instead, it only served to increase her fatigue and make her grow more weary. Though she couldn't fully admit it to herself just yet – perhaps there was still a bit of denial on her part – she was going to have to resign herself to a stay in the hospital. But unwilling to face reality for the time being, she opted to stay hidden in her refuge for just a little while longer. At least until Elliot arrived.
"Can you do something for me, Olivia?"
Unsure of just what his request would entail, Olivia was hesitant to reply. But then she realized that he would never ask her for more than she was able to give.
"Yes."
"You don't have to move from where you are, but can you at least answer the nurses and let them know that you are safe? I'm sure they are worried about you."
Though she would have preferred to keep invisible and remain locked within the bathroom ignorant to her surroundings, Olivia was lucid enough to recognize that was an impossible task. So, she acknowledged Elliot's entreaty for what it was – an affirmation of her safety. The next time a knock sounded on the wooden barrier separating her from those standing on the other side, and a voice reached her ears, pleading with her to reply, she gave them the response they desired. While she was still refusing to leave for the time being, she did assert that she had no intentions to cause herself harm.
Considering her duty complete, Olivia returned her attention to Elliot. Despite the conflict of emotions within her, he was still the one person who could ground her when everything else in her life was falling apart. No matter what reservations she may have had in regard to his reappearance, it didn't diminish their connection, or the way it had reignited almost instantly as though there hadn't been an absence at all. He was still her rock. It was why she'd trusted him with the most intimate details in regard to her recent history, even if she hadn't been able to relay the information personally.
"Elliot? Are you still there?"
"I'm here, Liv. We're not far away now. I'm sorry it's taking me longer to get to the hospital than it normally would."
Olivia shook her head dismissively, then belatedly realized that Elliot could not see her. In her mind, he didn't owe her any apologies – except for maybe admitting her to begin with. But as for his leaving three years ago, he had not only atoned for that transgression, but in her opinion, had paid more than necessary with his own personal losses. The choices he had made and their resulting consequences had been life altering, not only for him, but his family as well. Now that she knew the truth, she could never fault him for that.
"Don't apologize. Just get here."
Silence reigned over the phone call as neither Elliot nor Olivia spoke, but the resulting quiet was not an uncomfortable one. She knew he was still there, much in the same way she still sensed that the people waiting for her on the opposite side of the door hadn't left her alone, either. They had, however, stopped with the incessant knocking and she hoped that meant they had given up on their efforts to pick the lock as well. While she'd had no doubt they were trying to be quiet, the bathroom was not a soundproof chamber, and Olivia had been able to hear some of the conversation outside in the main room. Apparently a call had gone in to maintenance in an effort to get the master key to gain access to the bathroom, but so far no one had responded yet. She'd all but sighed in relief when they'd canceled the order after learning that Elliot was on his way and would no doubt convince her to emerge from her self imposed solitude. While Olivia knew she couldn't remain hidden forever, she did not want to exit without knowing there was at least one ally in her corner who would advocate for her. She strongly suspected that after what had happened, an attempt would be made to sedate her, and she did not want to take anything that would impair her faculties – no matter how mildly.
"Hang on just a little bit longer, Liv. I'm pulling into the hospital parking garage now. Don and Fin are right behind me."
Without consciously realizing it, Olivia began to grip the phone just a bit more tightly. He was here. Within minutes, his voice would be calling to her from the other side of the door, and not just from across the miles over a phone connection. After so many years living with his absence, she could once again dial his number, knowing without a doubt that he would answer her calls without hesitation. How foolish she had been to deny him – and herself – the comfort he had been wanting to offer since his return. She didn't know yet if she could open up completely and show him the enormity of the vulnerability she was feeling. After so many months living locked in a bubble of self preservation, coupled with what had happened only weeks ago, it wouldn't be easy to flip that switch again and suddenly become less guarded. As her temporary reprieve surrounded by the tile walls gradually came to an end, Olivia promised herself she would at least try.
Shortly after they had parked the two separate cars, the three men were making their way through the hospital corridors to Olivia's room. Thanks to the smart thinking of one of the aides on the unit who was among the many unsuccessfully attempting to coax the traumatized woman out of the bathroom, security had been alerted to their eventual arrival, and they had not been detained. Instead, the man in uniform sitting behind the desk had merely offered helpful directions to assist them on their journey.
Since Elliot had yet to sever his phone conversation with Olivia - even though they weren't actively talking at the moment – it was Don who took initiative. It was probably better that he speak out on Olivia's behalf, considering he was the one who had signed her admission forms and was her current medical proxy.
"I don't intend to tell anyone here how to do their job, but if you want him to get her out of there, it's best you not be in the room when she comes out. Once we get her settled, I'll call you back in to take care of her."
Save for the three who knew Olivia best, every eye in the room turned to one person, who Elliot deduced must be the shift supervisor. He held his breath as he watched the woman weigh the options, hoping the suggestion would not only be considered, but accepted. Ultimately, it was with a reluctant nod that Don's terms were agreed to, and the room was cleared.
Relying solely on their experience not only with Olivia, but with trauma survivors in general, the three friends acted quickly. While Fin eliminated all of the harsh lighting, save for a more muted lamp just above Olivia's bed, Don grabbed a spare blanket from a nearby chair. Elliot on the other hand, focused his attention on the woman on the other end of his phone call.
"Olivia? Can you hear me? I don't just mean on the phone...can you hear my voice? I'm here. We're all here. Myself, Don, and Fin. There is no one else in the room right now. It's okay to come out."
"They're all gone?"
Elliot could hear the mixture of anguish and doubt in Olivia's voice, and it nearly broke his heart. Burying his own feelings for the moment, he focused on the task at hand – getting her out of the bathroom. But he also knew he couldn't lie to her.
"They're all gone for now. Don got them to promise they wouldn't come back in unless you said it was okay."
"I need a few minutes first. I'm going to hang up, though."
Rather than deflecting to panic, Elliot easily understood what she was trying to say. Without a doubt, Olivia had spent the duration of her self imposed exile with her back barricaded against the door to prevent anyone from forcing their way inside. Even though she hadn't been in the bathroom for longer than an hour, she likely had to use the facilities before making her exit. He also suspected she wanted to take a moment or two to compose herself before meeting anyone face to face. Even though she had nothing to be ashamed about, Olivia was likely very embarrassed about the events that had unfolded tonight.
The telltale sounds of a flush followed by running water were all indicators of Olivia's eventual reappearance. Elliot hadn't truly seen her since the day she had kicked him out of the cottage. He couldn't very well count the events that had taken place in the emergency room only a little more than twenty four hours prior, as she had barely been coherent enough to account for her own self, let alone register his presence.
As quickly as the feelings rose up within his heart and mind, Elliot squashed them down just as swiftly. This was not about him, nor was it about any disagreements they may or may not have had. What mattered was that Olivia knew she was in a safe place, so that she would comply with treatment and ultimately consent to continuing care.
The next thing they all heard was the echo of a lock disengaging, and then the bathroom door swung inward, revealing a disheveled Olivia. The haunted look in her brown irises spoke to her wariness and unease, and the flush in her cheekbones revealed her shame. Choosing to ignore her outward appearance, the trio of companions opted instead to focus on the woman herself.
Don was the first to step forward, offering the blanket in a silent gesture. Olivia nodded, giving wordless permission for him to come closer and wrap the cotton sheath around her shivering form. He lay it gently over her shoulders, allowing her to take control. The last thing he wanted was to overwhelm her further, especially at a time when her system had been overstimulated far beyond what it could bear.
"Do you want to sit, Olivia?"
It was Elliot who asked the question, keeping his voice soft and free of judgment. His tone made it clear that the decision was entirely up to her. Perhaps that was why Olivia acquiesced so easily – once again, she felt like she was in charge of her own destiny, even if it was something as simple as deciding whether or not she wanted to sit down.
Shuffling around the bed, purposely avoiding the object she viewed as a traitorous foe in her failed escape attempt, Olivia perched delicately on the love seat along the wall in front of the window. She clutched her hands together in her lap, trying to conceal the fact that they were shaking. Her mind kept replaying the moments when she'd tried to flee, and everything that had gone so wrong, so fast. The recollection held her so deeply in it's grip that she was completely unaware of anything else around her. Olivia gave herself over to the memory, unaware as hot tears of defeat coursed down her cheeks. Even when she'd been sent away from the horror that her life had become, there was no escape. She felt as though she could run to the ends of the earth, and the nightmare would just follow wherever she went.
Olivia moved her hands from her lap to clutch at the blanket, pulling it more tightly around her body. She still couldn't bring herself to make eye contact with anyone in the room, nor had she been able to speak. Even though she knew it wasn't going to happen, she was hoping that someone – anyone would help her gather her belongings and lead her out of this place. What she did notice, however, was the sound of something being poured, and then Elliot was crouching in front of her, offering a cup of water.
"Here, Liv. Can you try just a few sips?"
Though she wanted to refuse based on principle alone, Olivia found she couldn't deny Elliot's simple request. She also realized that her recent onslaught of tears had left her feeling a bit thirsty. Wrapping her fingers around the cup, she lifted it from his hand and brought it to her mouth. After several tentative sips, she drank more earnestly until the vessel was empty. It hadn't been very full to begin with, but it was the first liquid she had willingly consumed since the juice she'd had at breakfast. She didn't really count the smoothies that she had been convinced to drink as 'liquid', as she had mostly tried to block them from her memory altogether.
Though he knew it might be too soon to ask questions, Elliot needed answers. Sensing that Olivia was at least a fraction more at ease than she had been on the phone, he first asked for permission to sit with her. Once he had her consent, he pulled over a chair and positioned himself in front of her, so that his muscular frame blocked the majority of the view. Likewise, Fin and Don took up residence on either side of him, offering up additional barriers of protection and security.
"I know you planned to leave the hospital, Liv. I'm not angry with you. Can you tell me why, though? Did something happen?"
Olivia remained silent for several seconds as she pondered the query. Had something happened? Technically, no. She hadn't been mistreated or assaulted. However, there had been times when people had spoken to her in a condescending manner, or tried to convince her to take tranquilizers despite her insistence that she didn't want them - as though popping a sedative would be the answer to all her problems. Then of course, there had been the ongoing battle in regard to food. On top of all that was the near constant feeling of claustrophobia. She supposed, if she had to stay, that being given permission to pace the halls might go a long way to lessen the feeling of being trapped. But how could she ask for such a concession after what she'd done? There was no way anyone would trust her now.
"Liv?"
Once again, Elliot was gently prompting her. Despite the fact that he was anxious to hear her answers, his voice remained calm and steady. The other thing that provided reassurance was instead of touching her, he opted to keep his hand extended in her direction with his palm facing up. This put the choice to make contact entirely in her court, and after a time, Olivia found herself wrapping her fingers around his. As she did so, she explained what had happened at the hospital, not leaving out a single detail.
As he listened, Elliot lightly grasped Olivia's fingers in his own. He made sure she always had the freedom to pull away should she choose to do so. It hurt him deeply to hear what she had endured since he had left her alone here, but he knew the treatment hadn't been purposely malicious. It was just obvious that the majority of the staff on this unit were unfamiliar in dealing with survivors of trauma. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't just play the white knight and sweep Olivia up in his arms and carry her away from here. She needed more extensive care – for the physical component just as much as the mental. He would, however, try to ease her anxieties in any way that he could.
"What can I do to help you, Liv? What can I give you in this moment that will offer you some comfort?"
"I want a shower. I get why I wasn't able to take one when the IV was in, but can I please take one before they put it back?"
Olivia didn't have to explain her reasons. All three of the men understood her motives, and were compassionate toward her desire to shower. After conferring and making sure she felt comfortable with someone else coming into the room, Don left to go and inquire with the nurse to see if her request would be possible. What he didn't say was he was about to make every effort to ensure that it happened.
"Okay, while Don is seeing about your shower, why don't you tell me what else I can do for you?"
"Don't let them give me any tranquilizers. I don't like the way they make me feel."
Olivia's voice had cracked slightly as she made her last request, the only indication that her resolve was still not as strong as the facade she was managing to muster. For all intents and purposes, she looked strong and steady as ever – except to those who knew her well. To her friends, her fragility was eclipsed and visible, her sanity hanging on by the most minimal of threads. This was more than just a simple plea – for all the desperation couched in those two phrases, the visibly shaken woman may as well have been begging on her knees to not be medicated against her will.
Careful not to make any sudden movements, out of fear he would startle her, Elliot shifted his palm. He released Olivia's fingers and brought his hand up to gently cup the side of her face. Studying her face intently, his deep blue eyes connected with her brown ones, conveying so much more than he dared to speak out loud. Even so, he still voiced the words into the air itself, hoping that by hearing them as well as feeling them, Olivia would feel reassured of his affirmations.
"Olivia, I swear to you on my life, I will do whatever I can to prevent that from happening."
No sooner had the sentiment reached her ears, and Olivia closed her eyes. She turned her head to the side, nuzzling her cheek further into the warmth of Elliot's palm. For once, she wasn't attempting to shut him out, merely trying to conceal the tears that threatened to spill over her lower lashes and make their way down her cheeks once more. The only difference was, now instead of weeping out of guilt and shame, she was crying because of the feelings of gratitude and relief.
By the time Olivia had regained some semblance of composure, Don had returned to the room, with a nurse in tow. Elliot was relieved that only one staff member had come to check on Olivia, because had there been any more than that, she likely would have become overwhelmed all over again. Squeezing her fingers one more time, he released Olivia's hand, and moved out of the way, giving the nurse access to her patient.
"Your friend told me about your request, Ms. Benson – excuse me, Sergeant. If you'll just allow me to take your vitals first, then we can see about getting you in the shower. I want to check your blood pressure."
Although she was frustrated about the potential delay, Olivia cooperated. However annoying, it wasn't an invasive intrusion to her privacy, and she already knew her blood pressure issues were a prior concern even before her admission. If complying meant that she got to stand under the cleansing spray of hot water and wash herself clean before yet another IV was inserted into her veins for the remainder of her stay, then keeping silent was worth it.
The process only took a few minutes, and then the nurse was retreating from her personal space. Olivia tried to keep her sigh of relief from being too audible. She waited anxiously for an answer, her skin practically crawling in anticipation of the shower she craved so much.
"Your blood pressure is still on the low side, so I am going to insist on putting a bench in the stall with you. As long as you promise me that you will sit down if you feel even the slightest bit dizzy, and pull the cord to ask for help if you need it, I have no problem with you taking a shower."
With an emphatic nod, Olivia agreed to the terms. Elliot was quick to back her up, insisting that he would be in the room the entire time if she should call out. Don and Fin also confirmed that they would be nearby, giving Olivia a veritable village of supporters at her side. The nurse left the room momentarily, only to return a few minutes later with several towels, some washcloths, and a small bench that she situated inside the shower stall itself. After making certain that Olivia didn't require any toiletries, she left the room once more.
Now that it was just the four friends and colleagues who remained, the men deferred all decision making to Olivia. To their great relief, she was actually taking her current limitations into consideration, and not insisting she could do everything on her own. When she asked for her bag, it was Fin who went to the closet by the door to retrieve it for her. After selecting something new to change into, Olivia went a step further in asking for help. She asked Elliot if he would mind putting her bottles of shampoo and body wash on the shelf in the shower, as she didn't want to try and carry everything all at once.
Less than ten minutes later, everything was situated, and Olivia was ready for her shower. She stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind her, promising not to lock it this time. Though a part of her would miss the additional privacy a locked door would provide, she trusted these men with her life, and knew they would never intrude unless absolutely necessary.
After shedding her clothes, Olivia turned on the water and adjusted it to the perfect temperature. Carefully stepping under the flow, she put her back to the spray and tilted her head back, soaking her hair. As she ran her hands through her now sodden tresses, she blinked rapidly. She mentally berated herself for crying again, but supposed if tears had to fall, this was the place to let them.
Not allowing herself to wallow for too long in what she viewed as self pity, Olivia focused instead on building up a luxurious lather with her shampoo. She scrubbed her scalp vigorously, knowing it would be at least several days before she would get this opportunity again. When it was time to wash her body, she used considerable more care than she had in recent weeks and months – not out of concern for herself, but more out of a fear that someone else would spot her reddened skin and assume the worst. She was already under enough of a microscope as it was, she didn't need to end up locked away somewhere with an around-the-clock guard.
A slight wave of vertigo swept over her, and despite her promises that she would sit or call for help if she felt that sensation, Olivia did neither. Instead, she merely grasped the handrails on either side of the shower stall and took a series of slow, steady, breaths. Once the feeling had passed, she turned off the water and pushed aside the curtain to reach for a towel. She dried herself off the best she could, then wrapped it around her body. Using a second towel, she twisted it around her hair so that she wouldn't drip water all over the floor.
Minutes later, she was dressed once more. Although she was not ready to have the IV reinserted, she could put it off no longer. No matter how much she wanted to, she could not hide within the four walls of the bathroom indefinitely. Plus, she had made a promise. While she didn't believe she owed the staff here anything in terms of making a vow, she didn't want to break her word to Elliot. Much the same way, she knew that Don and Fin didn't deserve her deception either.
Stepping back out into the main room, Olivia saw that Elliot was waiting for her, and he had an open mesh bag in his hands. When she realized it was intended for her dirty laundry, her heart pulled. She had been treating him with such a cavalier attitude, determined to keep him at arms length, and the only thing he had done was try to take care of her. Even now, he only had her best interest at heart.
To her left, Fin stood with a smile, and held out his arm in offering. Unable to stop herself from answering his grin, Olivia looped her arm through his, and allowed him to lead her back to her bed. She noticed that in her absence, the sheets had been changed, and the pillows were all fluffed and waiting for her. On the nearby bedside table tray, her phone and tablet sat waiting, just as she'd left them.
Once he'd gotten her consent, Don left the room to inform the nurse that Olivia was out of the shower and settled back in bed. Any one of them could have just as easily pushed the call button, but after the night she'd had, Olivia was leery of buttons in general, too anxious of tripping another alarm.
"How are you feeling after your shower, Sergeant?"
The nurse's voice was kind, and genuinely curious as she breezed through the doorway, a small carrier in hand filled with various needles necessary to start an IV. Talking to Olivia the entire time, she promptly and efficiently started a new line in no time at all, without causing any discomfort. Once the saline was flowing once more into Olivia's veins, she gathered her things.
"One last thing before I leave, Sergeant. I know this may be a delicate subject, but I noticed you haven't had much in the way of food today. Can I possibly interest you in trying a smoothie for a late night snack?"
Olivia's first instinct was to say 'no'. But the question had been asked in such a non-confrontational manner, not to mention the fact that Elliot, Fin and Don were all here. While she knew they wouldn't expect anything from her directly, she didn't have it in her heart to disappoint them – not after what she'd already done.
"Okay. I don't know how much I'll be able to drink, but I'll try. Mixed berry flavor, please."
"You got it. I'll be right back."
Twenty minutes later, a smoothie was delivered to Olivia's room. Once again, she found herself overwhelmed by the sheer size of it, but a touch of Elliot's hand on her arm brought her back to the present. Now that she was settled and somewhat comfortable, Fin and Don had left not long after she had put in the order for the frozen concoction. They both had promised they would return in the morning, though. Elliot, on the other hand, had informed her he wasn't going anywhere. That was when she noticed something she had missed earlier – a bag on one of the other chairs in the room that did not belong to her. He had brought some of his own things to stay at the hospital with her and keep her company? Even when he'd believed she was angry with him? Feeling the lump in her throat well up once more, Olivia attempted to tamp it down by taking a tentative sip of her smoothie. She had to admit the flavor was pleasant enough, perhaps one of the best she'd had yet. It didn't mean she was going to suddenly start eating and drinking everything that was placed in front of her, though.
"What are you doing, Elliot?"
Olivia had noticed that her companion was busy concentrating on a piece of paper in his lap, balanced on a notebook to provide sturdiness. From time to time, he would draw a circle, but given the distance between them, she couldn't decipher what he was working on.
"Filling out your menu for tomorrow. The nurse said there is still plenty of time that your breakfast selections will be honored."
Olivia felt her jaw drop. He was filling out her menu? Had he not heard anything that she'd said lately about her difficulty with food? How could he expect her to eat anything, let alone the vast quantities that arrived on her tray with every meal? Opening her mouth to object, Elliot noticed immediately, and cut her off before she could speak.
"I know it's hard for you, Liv, and I don't expect you to eat a full meal. That's why I'm purposely choosing things that will seem a little less overwhelming. Plus, I have another idea in mind. I don't want to say what it is yet, not until I'm sure it's going to work out."
Although she was skeptical, and part of her wanted to argue, Olivia was weary from all of the events that had taken place since her collapse just the day before yesterday. She was far too exhausted – both physically and emotionally - to put up a fight. Tonight had taken a particular toll on her, and she longed for a peaceful night of sleep to help her recover. Even far away from this place, she knew that would be impossible. Resigning herself to yet another night of insomnia, too afraid that her typical nightmares would provoke unwanted attention, Olivia sighed heavily.
Elliot didn't need to ask what was wrong, he could easily intuit Olivia's unrest by the way she had dropped her head back against the pillows. It brought to mind his first night at the cottage when she'd told him not to go to her room, no matter what he might hear. He suspected that anxiety was only intensified now that she was forced to sleep in a far from private environment. He wasn't sure if his presence would help or hurt in this situation, but he hoped it would be the former. Rather than call attention to the fact that he knew what was going on, he instead offered up an anecdote based on his own personal experiences.
"I don't know if I told you this, but after Jenna, I had the worst time sleeping. The nightmares were not only terrifying, but all- encompassing. I was always too afraid of waking up not only Kathy, but one of the kids. So for awhile, I just stopped sleeping altogether."
Olivia sat in silence, listening to her former partner relate his tale. It was the first he'd truly opened up to her since the day they'd had lunch on the beach, and in a way, it was such a relief to have something to focus on other than her own pain. Even though it also hurt to know that he had felt like he couldn't turn to her then, she couldn't really fault him for it. She'd been doing the same exact thing – shutting out those who cared for her all in the name of trying to protect them.
"It wasn't the right choice Liv. Not for me, and not for you, either. We both know I ended up at the bottom of a bottle. Not that I believe that is where you are headed, but you have your own issues with control. That can still lead you down a dangerous path. You need to get a handle on it now, before it consumes you."
With that, Olivia lost the already weak grasp she had on her emotions. Her tears spilled over, her lower lip trembling. But here, in Elliot's presence, she didn't feel embarrassed. She was vulnerable, yes, but he'd seen her this way before. He would never judge her.
"What if it already has?"
"It hasn't Liv. I know this, because you're still fighting. You proved that tonight. Maybe not in the best way – but you've showed that you've still got that fire within you."
At those words, Olivia couldn't help but crack a smile. She knew Elliot wasn't poking fun at her escape attempt, merely stating facts. If anyone knew of her stubborn streak, it would be him. He'd spent the better part of thirteen years dealing with it on a daily basis, after all. The sheer amount of times they had gone toe-to-toe danced in her head as the memories flashed in her mind.
"You can let your guard down and sleep safely tonight, Liv. I'll keep watch. I promise."
Nodding, Olivia set her cup to the side. It was still half full, but she'd managed more of the smoothie than her previous two attempts. Lowering the bed to a more comfortable level, she settled against the pillows and turned on her side, trying to adjust herself without tugging too sharply on the IV. She was just starting to doze off when something came to mind. She groggily asked Elliot if he could turn on the television or put something on his tablet so she would have background noise. Without hesitation, he complied, and seconds later, the soothing sounds of Bob Ross' voice were filling the room as an episode of The Joy of Painting began to play. As she listened to the sound of a paintbrush scratching against the canvas, Olivia drifted off to sleep, secure in the knowledge that Elliot was with her.
Olivia blinked awake the next morning, still not yet accustomed to waking up in the hospital. Her joints were stiff from being forced to sleep in a smaller bed than she was used to, and she had a mild headache – but that wasn't uncommon. The important thing was, she had actually slept. Granted, the hours hadn't passed without the usual night terrors that had become routine for her, but Elliot had held true to his word and pulled her from the clutches of each and every one as soon as possible. With a perfect balance of distance and comfort, he'd offered her cool cloths to soothe her face, sips of water, and a reassuring hug whenever she was ready.
In search of the man who had kept a constant vigil by her side ever since he had arrived to coax her out of the bathroom the night before, Olivia finally found him. It seemed he had finally succumbed to his own fatigue, contorted to fit on the love seat in front of the windows. At some point, one of the nurses must have offered him supplies, for his head was resting on a pillow, and there was a thin blanket covering his muscular form.
Curious as to the time, Olivia glanced at the clock on the wall opposite her bed. She was surprised to see that it was just after seven, meaning that she hadn't slept as late as she originally thought. In fact, it was just about time for another shift change. Not to mention, the dreaded breakfast trays would likely be brought in soon. While she wasn't exactly looking forward to the idea of facing a meal, she was curious to see what Elliot had chosen for her.
Speaking of Elliot, the last thing Olivia wanted to do was disturb him, especially when he had given up so much of his own valuable sleep time to watch over her. However, the pressure on her bladder was bordering on unbearable, and she knew she'd need to call in the nurse or aide sooner as opposed to later for assistance in getting to the bathroom. Reluctantly pressing the call button, Olivia sat back and waited, hoping that whenever someone did come in, they would be quiet in deference to the still relatively early morning hour.
Luck was on her side. Within minutes, it was April who appeared in her room. Olivia remembered the young woman from her first day in the hospital, and was relieved that she was once again in her care. Not only was her kindness still apparent, but she had immediately observed the sleeping visitor in the room, and spoke softly in order to ascertain Olivia's request.
"How can I help you, Sergeant?"
"If you don't mind, I need to use the bathroom."
April gave her patient a warm smile.
"Of course I don't mind, it's what I'm here for. Bryan mentioned the other day you did better with him disconnecting the IV rather than trying to manage the entire pump, so why don't we try that?"
The mention of the familiar name didn't even register. Olivia hadn't even been paying attention when the other aide had previously introduced himself. Instead, she merely nodded her agreement, and held out her arm. Once she was on her feet and feeling steady, Olivia walked mostly on her own to the bathroom, April standing close by just in case she should falter. When she was safely inside, April informed her she would be back shortly, and if she should need anything, to pull the cord on the wall.
There was enough time before April's return that Olivia was also able to wash her face and brush her teeth, and she was feeling much more alert as she was led back to her bed. As she lay back against the pillows, April asked her if she wanted to put in an order for a smoothie to accompany her breakfast, and for the first time, Olivia agreed without hesitation. The only thing she doubted herself on was in choosing a flavor. Ultimately, though, she selected the same pineapple and mango one she'd had the day prior.
"I'll be in shortly to take your vitals, Sergeant. Breakfast trays should be here soon."
No sooner had she spoken, then an orderly appeared at the door, tray in hand. He stepped into the room, and was immediately intercepted by Elliot. Olivia watched in surprise, completely unaware that he'd even woken up.
"If you don't mind, I'll take that. Sergeant Benson isn't quite ready to eat just yet this morning."
Elliot turned to April, asking a second question.
"Is it all right if I set the tray over on the windowsill for now? It's not a hot breakfast, so there isn't anything that you have to worry about reheating. Our friends are bringing in something when they come in around eight thirty, and I thought Olivia and I could have breakfast together."
April gave a knowing smile, along with a nod. Olivia on the other hand, just sat on the bed in shock, trying to understand what had just happened.
"That would be fine. The cart stays outside in the hall for some time after meals. You can just return the tray whenever she is finished."
True to what Elliot had promised, Don and Fin arrived at eight-thirty on the dot, and it appeared they were bearing gifts. At the very least, they had brought a few bags with them, and Olivia was beyond curious as to their contents. She didn't have to wait for long, though, as Elliot showed her immediately.
"Paper plates, bowls, and cups? Why would I need those here?"
Now Olivia was even more puzzled, and she was certain her face showed it. For his part, Elliot did not explain, as he was more intent on demonstrating. Opening the package of paper plates, he removed one then went over to tray that still remained on the windowsill, something Olivia had almost forgotten about. There, he portioned out some of the breakfast he had ordered for her – half of a blueberry muffin, and a couple scoops of a generous fruit cup. Leaving the rest on the tray, he covered it up again and brought the small meal over and set it on Olivia's tray table, moving it in front of her so she'd have access to eat it. When she realized what he'd done, tears of gratitude welled up in her eyes. For the first time in as long as she could remember, she was not overwhelmed by the prospect of a meal. The plate he had chosen – well, technically that Don had chosen – was only six inches in diameter, making it the size of an average bread and butter or salad plate.
Much in the same way, when her smoothie was delivered moments later, Elliot took that as well and transferred it to one of the smaller eight ounce cups. The option was still there to eat or drink more should she choose, but gone was all the pressure and expectation to consume everything all at once. With the pressure gone, so was the guilt that accompanied it.
By the time she'd finished, Olivia ended up consuming in total one quarter of a blueberry muffin, about half a cup of cantaloupe, honeydew, and grapes, and eight ounces of her smoothie. Except for the smoothie, it amounted to half of everything that Elliot had put on her new smaller plate, and one third of the smoothie in total, but it was the most she had eaten in one sitting in ages. She was pleasantly full, without any unwelcome after effects like nausea. Though she hated to admit it, Elliot's plan had worked – for now.
Elliot had just come back from returning the tray to the cart when a doctor entered the room. As this wasn't a physician Olivia recognized, she was immediately on alert. Her friends were aware of the tension in her body language, and made it apparent that they were not going to leave unless she asked them to – something Olivia had no intention of doing.
The dark skinned man had already studied his patient's chart, and was aware of her recent history. He took no offense of her apparent anxiety, nor was he insulted when she shrank back from the hand he extended in introduction. He merely continued on with explaining who he was and why he was there.
"Good morning, Sergeant Benson. My name is Malcolm David, and I am a hematologist here at the hospital. I was contacted in regard to your treatment because of your blood test results the other day in the emergency room."
Olivia's memories of her time in the emergency department were shaky at best. Most of them were filled with terror, but she did vaguely recall someone trying to talk to her about blood work, and the resulting panic attack that had followed. The fact that someone was in her room now pursuing that avenue further did not allay her fears. As though intuiting her unease, Dr. David began to speak.
"Forgive me if I've startled you. That was not my intention. While not life threatening, there is something that needs to be taken care of. If you'll allow me to explain?"
Somehow, Olivia found within herself the wherewithal to nod. She was grateful once again for not only Elliot's presence, but Fin and Don's as well. If she'd have had to go through this alone, she wasn't sure she'd have been able to stand it.
"Most likely as a result of your recent trauma and subsequent eating difficulties, your body is suffering from insufficient nutrition. One of the things we've noticed is a decreased level of Vitamin D. You may have been aware that we began giving you high dose supplements yesterday morning."
Again, Olivia nodded, but she still didn't understand where this was going. What was wrong with her?
"The other deficiency we noticed is that you are severely anemic. Unfortunately, it is not something we can correct with supplements alone. That is why, during your stay, we are going to be administering iron infusions via your IV line. Depending on how you respond, you may have to continue these infusions on an outpatient basis after you are discharged."
Olivia's shoulders sagged as relief coursed through her. Anemia. She could deal with that. It wasn't anything fatal, which for several moments had been her greatest fear – that she had survived unimaginable horror at the hands of William Lewis only to have her own body turn traitor on her months later. Memories of Alice Parker and Liz Mayer flashed behind her closed lids. They were followed by images of members of the Cole family, and countless others that Lewis had tortured or killed. His mark on them – and her – had been indelible but she would not let it alter her life permanently. He would not get to win.
"When will you start?"
She heard herself ask the question, but didn't exactly recognize her own voice. Nevertheless, Olivia awaited an answer with baited breath, hoping beyond hope that no matter when the treatment would happen, she'd be allowed to remain in her room. It may not be much, and for the most part she'd detested it, but it was the only part of this hospital that she recognized, and to be moved somewhere unfamiliar would only disorient her more.
"I'll write up the order, and it will likely be brought to you by this afternoon. The infusion process takes a few hours, so it might help you to have a movie or something picked out to watch to pass the time."
With that helpful bit of advice, Olivia decided that she liked this doctor, and he was more friend than foe. She nodded her agreement, and as he was leaving the room, she shook his hand in parting. The interaction had taken its toll on her though, and she leaned back against the pillows and closed her eyes, needing a brief respite from the events of the morning.
Olivia wasn't sure if it was due to her willingness to participate in her treatment, or the presence of her close friends, but for some reason, her time in the hospital today hadn't been as difficult to endure. Granted, the hours still crawled by slowly, but her situation was much more bearable. There was, however, one thing she was still dreading – food. Memories of Elliot's intervention with breakfast this morning had her viewing the prospect of lunch with less trepidation than before, but it didn't quell the anxiety entirely. On top of that, there was the iron infusion that awaited her following the afternoon meal.
Currently, Olivia had the room to herself, as the men had all stepped out momentarily. Fin had gone to pick up some lunch for them while Don was speaking to her nurse, trying to get more details about the iron infusion. Then there was Elliot, who had gone to the visitors lounge to take a phone call. He had been hesitant to leave, even for a few minutes, but she had insisted she would be fine.
Don was the first to return, and he told Olivia that they would be giving her the iron infusion after she had eaten something. Apparently, there was a slight risk of nausea from the treatment, which would be decreased if her stomach were full. Yet again, Olivia felt the unintentional pressure over eating, but knew she had to at least try. She would trust Elliot to set up a plate for her like he had at breakfast, and take things one step at a time.
As though they had planned it, Fin and Elliot got back to the room at exactly the same time. The former was carrying two bags – one containing their chosen subs, and the other filled with drinks and chips to compliment them. To further enhance the coincidence, the rumbling of a heavy cart could be heard in the hall, signaling the arrival of lunch. Olivia felt her heart rate quicken as the anxiety over facing another meal consumed her, but she tried not to let it show. Instead, she pored over the list of smoothie flavors, knowing that April would be in soon to ask what kind she wanted to accompany her nourishment.
Once again, when her food was brought into the room, Olivia watched with relief as Elliot intercepted it and carried it over to the windowsill before she could even catch a glimpse of all that was on it. Just as he had with breakfast, he worked diligently to scale down the meal into more manageable portions. As he'd gently assured her this morning, she could always add more to the smaller plate, but this way, she didn't have to feel any distress over leaving a large amount behind that had gone uneaten.
From the corner of her eye, Olivia noticed that Elliot was in fact bringing over the actual tray this time – he'd just rearranged some things so that the plates and bowls Don had brought this morning were on it instead of the ones from the hospital kitchen. Those were still hidden from her view.
When her lunch was placed before her, Olivia understood the need for the tray. In addition to the plate - which contained one quarter of a turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread, there was also a small, steaming bowl of chicken noodle soup. In the upper corner rested what must have been Elliot's version of dessert – a clear miniature container holding roughly five grapes and a single vanilla wafer. As soon as she spied the sweets, Olivia's eyes flew to his, and though he didn't say a word, Elliot did give a silent reply of a wink and a knowing grin.
Without leaving Olivia completely alone, the men in the room once again wisely chose to ignore the elephant in the room and all diverted their attentions to their own lunches. The four ate in mostly companionable silence, with only the briefest conversations breaking up the quiet here and there.
By the time she'd eaten everything that was in front of her, Olivia's minimal appetite had been appeased, and she declined the offer of trying to consume anything else. She knew, however, that there would still be the smoothie to contend with. Unlike previous times, it had not been delivered at the same time as the normal meal, instead delayed so she could sip on it during the administration of her iron infusion.
Not long after finishing his sub, Fin reluctantly announced it was time for him to head back to the city. He was about to launch into a more detailed explanation and make his apologies when Olivia silenced him with a look and told him that she understood. Now that the tray table had been moved, Fin stepped close to the bed to hug the woman who had been a close friend for some time. Wrapping his arms around her in a gentle embrace, he whispered something only she could hear.
"You take care of yourself, Liv. Remember that you can still call me at any time, and I'll be there for you. Also, don't forget that my that my promise to kick Stabler's ass still stands."
The last sentence had been spoken at a higher decibel than the others, making it audible to everyone in the room. Though his tone indicated otherwise, Elliot wasn't angry. The smile on his face proved it.
"I heard that."
In spite of it all, Olivia breathed a laugh as she shook her head. Even now, Fin and Elliot were still going at it. They weren't actually arguing, but they weren't particularly getting along, either. She knew they would never be the best of friends, but they did have one thing to unite them – her. She was the common thread that would always link them together. At a time when everything else felt like it was falling apart, it gave her a renewed strength in knowing she could still hold something together.
Not long after Fin had left, the nurse came into the room. Olivia tried her best to hide her unease as she saw the size of the IV bag that was to be infused into her veins. Desperate for any tactic that would stall the treatment further, she asked to use the bathroom first, knowing that once the process had begun, dragging the cumbersome IV pump with her would be an annoying chore.
It wasn't long before she had run out of excuses. Even the additional delay of Don's departure for the day hadn't been enough of a reprieve to allay Olivia's anxiety. She tried to remind herself of what Dr. David had told her – that the procedure was a painless one, and would use her existing IV line, preventing her from being prodded yet again by another needle. Despite that knowledge, Olivia didn't visibly calm until she felt the warmth of Elliot's palm cover her own, and his fingers interlock with hers. He squeezed once, gently, prompting her to look in his direction.
"Eyes on me, Liv. Don't focus on what she is doing. As soon as it's just us again, we can start a movie or something to keep you distracted."
True to his word, once they were alone, Elliot released her hand – only so he could grab his laptop. Placing it on the tray table, he pulled up a movie and pressed 'play'. Then, he moved his chair closer to the bed, so they could watch together. When Olivia dozed off halfway through, he took the empty cup from her hand and put it with the rest of the smoothie she'd been unable to finish. After making sure she was warm enough, he sat back down in the spot he'd had before, fulfilling his promise to never leave her side.
Just as Dr. David had warned, there had been some mild side effects as a result of the iron infusion. In addition to some increased fatigue, Olivia had also experienced some mild nausea. While she didn't believe she was going to throw up, the sensation was uncomfortable enough that she consented to being given medication to combat the symptoms. Fortunately, relief was almost immediate, and the queasiness abated soon after. By the time the dinner trays were due to arrive, all that remained was her usual struggle over having to eat.
While she wouldn't say that what she was feeling was hunger, Olivia did have to admit that she was definitely curious. Just what had Elliot chosen for her for the evening meal? He'd certainly done right by her so far today, his selections right on the mark. Though the idea of looking ahead to the future to any degree was cause for apprehension, she couldn't help but wonder what he had picked for her for the following day. As much as she hated admitting it – even just to herself – she needed him right now. Even the simplest gesture of him doling out her meals had made life here in the hospital much more bearable. But could she really be so selfish as to ask him to continue to stay?
Olivia was pulled from the thoughts that consumed her by the sound of a tray being placed in front of her. Almost instantly, her mind went into overdrive, and her breathing began to quicken. Where was Elliot?
She was too afraid to open her eyes, because she didn't want to see the vast quantity of food before her.
"Liv, Liv, it's me. I'm sorry I startled you, I thought you heard me talking. I already scaled down your dinner, it's just kind of like lunch was, that's why I used the tray. You can open your eyes."
Focusing on the sound of Elliot's voice, Olivia tentatively opened her eyes. He was right, after all, just like she knew he would be. Placed before her was one of the paper plates she was already growing accustomed to. It was bearing some cut up baked chicken, a couple spoonfuls of rice, and a small amount of green beans. To accompany the meal, there was a cup of hot water and a teabag that Olivia recognized as being one of her own. Her eyes filled with wonder, and she looked at Elliot with an expression that conveyed her gratitude. Though she hadn't explicitly asked for one, he gave her an explanation anyway.
"I've been waiting all day to give you that, Liv. Because the item came from outside the hospital, we had to wait on approval from your doctors. I've never seen so much fuss over a few simple teabags."
Olivia grinned, then immediately zeroed in on the tea. It wasn't that she was purposely ignoring her dinner this time, she just hadn't had any in a few days, and she'd missed the soothing beverage immensely. Once she'd had a few sips, she picked up her fork and began to slowly eat the chicken. For hospital food, the preparation of the poultry was quite pleasant. It wasn't dry at all, and she made the comment to Elliot that if it should turn up on the menu again during her stay, it would be an acceptable choice.
By the time she'd finished her miniature meal, it dawned on Olivia that something else was missing. No one had come in to ask her about her supplemental smoothie. It wasn't that she was disappointed- because she certainly wasn't – but it did strike her as odd. When she remarked about it to Elliot, he gave her a grin.
"That's on me, Liv. I hope you won't be mad at me for it. I told your aide while you were in the bathroom earlier that it might be easier for you to wait and have your dinner smoothie as a bedtime snack instead of everything all at once."
At first, anger – or at least something close to it – was the emotion that was closest to the surface. Yet again, people were making decisions on her behalf, and it was frustrating as hell. But at the same time, it was also a relief to not be responsible, and to let someone else carry the load for awhile. Olivia was so incredibly conflicted in that moment, and it had nothing to do with a smoothie. Reality came crashing back in – the knowledge that she was here in the hospital against her will because she had become too far gone to care for herself. How had things gotten to this point?
Elliot watched, concerned as the woman in the hospital bed unraveled right before his eyes. Guilt surged within him as he tried to determine if he had inadvertently said or done something to trigger her. All he could remember was mentioning about the smoothie having not been delivered with dinner, and being a potential bedtime snack instead. He knew she didn't care for them, but thought she had become resigned enough to accept their existence in her current diet. Shaking his head, Elliot determined that was not the cause. He'd have to find out what was, though. As Olivia's breathing grew more choppy he remembered something else – a promise made in the early morning hours, and one he vowed he would keep at all costs. No matter what, he would not allow them to sedate her.
In her present state, Elliot knew it would not be wise to touch Olivia, lest he increase her panic and trigger her further. Instead, he focused on reaching her by voice alone – trying to break through whatever terror currently held her in its clutches and bring her back to the present.
"Olivia? Can you hear me? It's Elliot."
The woman in the bed did not respond verbally, but the she turned her head in his direction. He could tell though, that she wasn't really seeing him, at least not yet. Confident that she at least seemed to be hearing him, he continued.
"You're safe, Liv. I'm here with you, and you're safe. All you need to do is focus on your breathing. Nice and even."
Olivia was still hyperventilating to a degree, but her breaths were markedly slower. Whether she was slowing down because of fatigue, or from listening to his instructions, it didn't really matter.
"Can you feel the bed under you, supporting you? How about the blanket? It's something tangible, something you can touch. Run your fingers over it, count each and every stitch."
Blinking a few times, Olivia gradually became aware of her surroundings. Despite all her attempts to avoid it, her cheeks flushed with shame as she realized what had happened. Panic attacks were inevitable, especially at this early stage of her recovery, but that didn't make her detest them any less. The fact that Elliot had borne witness to more than his fair share of them by this point didn't make things any easier.
Pretending as though nothing out of the ordinary had occurred, Elliot poured some fresh water into a cup and held it out to Olivia, an unspoken peace offering. She accepted, although it wounded him deeply when he noticed she made every effort to avoid touching him – even accidentally. He knew it wasn't intentional on her part, that she was just retreating into herself as a form of self preservation, but it still hurt.
"I'm sorry."
The words that slipped from Olivia's lips were barely a whisper, and she couldn't even bring herself to make eye contact, her humiliation was that great. This was just as bad – if not worse – than her failed escape attempt then night before when Elliot had had to come and rescue her sorry self from weeping on the bathroom floor. Really, how pathetic could she possibly get? She was a grown woman for heaven's sake, acting like a helpless, needy, child!
"Liv."
The tone of Elliot's voice was so unbearably gentle. There was no admonishment whatsoever, even though Olivia thought herself deserving of some sort of recrimination. She'd been so irrational, she didn't deserve his compassion right now.
"May I hug you, Olivia?"
She knew what he was doing. He was asking for consent, so he wouldn't frighten her further. He wanted to know that she was comfortable with his touch in that moment, and that meant the world to her. Unfortunately, Olivia felt undeserving of the comfort Elliot wanted to offer, and was within seconds of denying him his request. However, the base need of human contact won out over her own self hatred in that moment, and she heard herself agreeing to what he had asked. The next thing she knew, she was enveloped in Elliot's strong arms, and the combined scents of his cologne and aftershave were all around her. Grounded by the familiarity of it all, Olivia gave in to the embrace, and wrapped her arms around him in return. A few residual sniffles escaped, but she resisted the urge to let more tears fall. Now was not the time to fall apart again.
As they were disentangling their upper limbs and separating from the hug, Olivia's aide came into the room. Apparently, it was time to take vitals, and both Elliot and Olivia groaned internally. This was not going to go well. Certainly this person would notice Olivia's disheveled appearance and intuit that she was recently upset. It was inevitable that the dreaded question about a sedative would be asked. Elliot was prepared to stand up on Olivia's behalf, and braced himself for the fallout.
By some small miracle, the event lapsed without any conflict. The aide taking Olivia's vital signs appeared to be on some sort of auto-pilot, mechanically going about his duties. Once he'd left, and the two former partners were left alone yet again, silence reigned. Ultimately, it was Elliot who broke the quiet calm.
"So, Liv, how did you want to spend the evening? We can always try and watch something else, but if you're not up for that, I'm fine with just sitting quietly, too."
Olivia was a bit surprised that Elliot wasn't inquiring over what had upset her, but she was also relieved that he hadn't. She did plan to share her reasons eventually, she just needed more time with her own thoughts first. The options he had offered sounded nice, but she wasn't sure she could trust her concentration level at this point. At the same time, having nothing but quiet would be incredibly unnerving.
"Maybe if we could just find something to have on as background noise? I don't think I'm in the mood to watch anything right now."
"You got it."
Elliot flipped through a few choices before making a suggestion, which Olivia easily agreed to. It was an older sitcom that they were both familiar with, and would provide a perfect distraction. Sensing Olivia needed a bit of breathing room, Elliot retreated to the love seat, stating that he wanted to stretch out a little bit. The laptop was angled enough that he could still see the screen. Grateful for the additional space, Olivia leaned back against the pillows and closed her eyes. She was tired – not enough to sleep, but in the sense that she was emotionally drained. She needed time to not only decompress, but process what had gone through her mind earlier.
Three episodes later, Olivia was feeling much calmer now than she had previously. Granted, she was still embarrassed from having experienced a panic attack in Elliot's presence, but at least she no longer felt like everything was closing in on her from all sides. It didn't mean she was ready to talk about what had upset her, however, she knew by now that Elliot wasn't going to push. The same could not be said for Dr. Barnes, who would be coming by the following morning. She also had a feeling they would even expect her to touch base with Dr. Lindstrom at some point, so she'd have to deal with double the psychotherapy when even a single appointment was the last thing she wanted right now.
If she had to describe her emotions in one word at their current level, Olivia supposed she would choose 'conflicted'. Elliot's intervention the night before had helped her understand reason as to why she should stop resisting medical treatment, but she was still feeling so very torn. It didn't help matters any knowing that the staff here considered her incapable of making decisions on her own, and up until recently, she hadn't done herself any favors. Truth be told, she wasn't entirely sure why she was being so cooperative right now. Given the chance, Olivia knew she would absolutely sign herself out of this place against medical advice, and hide herself away from the world once more. Visions of running away from it all still ruled her thoughts – something else she was keeping secret.
Glancing to her right, Olivia observed that Elliot had dozed off at some point during the last ninety minutes. She wasn't offended in the least by the fact that he was sleeping, if anything his current state of slumber touched her heart. She knew that it meant he was resting up now because he intended to spend another night by her side keeping vigil. In fact, ever since his reappearance into her life, he was probably getting less sleep than she had been, but he hadn't complained – not even once. It reminded her of her earlier affirmation to herself that she would try and let him in more, but that wasn't something she could do in this moment. Not just because of the excuse that he wasn't awake, but because she didn't possess the emotional strength for that kind of conversation. Olivia realized that something of that depth may even have to wait until her release from the hospital. Briefly, she envisioned going back to the beach with Elliot and sharing a blanket along the shore as they had done the day he told her where he had been during the three years he had been absent from her life. That was one of only a handful of occasions that she can clearly recall a true feeling of safety and security.
The more she thought about it, Olivia realized that all the other incidents in which she had been completely at ease had all involved Elliot's presence – even if it had incensed her at the time and seemed like an invasion of privacy. For thirteen years he had been her rock. She finally had that stability back, why did she keep denying herself the comfort he could offer? Elliot had made it perfectly clear that he wasn't going anywhere – not unless she told him to leave. Even when she had ordered him to go, he still had stayed, determined to be whatever she needed.
"Penny for your thoughts."
Startled, Olivia turned toward the source of the voice that had just spoken to her, only to find that Elliot was awake and studying her intently. For the first time in ages, she didn't hide behind a mask or alter her expression under his scrutiny. Instead, she allowed everything to be visible. She wasn't quite ready to openly volunteer any information, but if he chose to call her out on it, so be it. How quickly she forgot that Elliot knew her entirely too well. Even this alternate tactic of evasion wasn't enough to slip past his skills of perception. Olivia watched as the man on the other side of the room stood, his bones popping and creaking as he took a moment to stretch languidly, then crossed the few steps to stand beside her bed.
"Liv, you have to know I don't expect you to talk to me, but if I could say something here – I think it's killing you to keep it all inside. Just so you know, I'm always here whenever you want to vent, and I'm never going to judge. You want to scream at the top of your lungs? Go right ahead, have at it. You are entitled to feel whatever you are feeling, and no one can tell you otherwise."
Despite the seriousness of the offer, Olivia couldn't hold back the smile that played at the corners of her mouth. She'd just gotten the most ridiculous mental image of her doing exactly what Elliot had suggested, and gathering the attention of every employee in this entire hospital as a result. No, if she truly were to 'let it all out', it couldn't be here. Still, his offer was a tempting one, and she shelved it away in a far corner of her mind to save for another day.
"I appreciate the offer Elliot, but if you'll remember, my goal here is to not be sedated. If I start screaming at the top of my lungs, they'll not only kick you out of here, but I'll likely wind up in a padded room."
It was the first real reference Olivia had made to her current mental status, and the fact that she was actually joking about it – albeit in a self recriminating fashion – gave Elliot hope that maybe the tide was starting to turn. He knew these changes wouldn't be immediate, and there would be definite backpedaling along the way, but this healing journey Olivia was partaking in wasn't a sprint, but instead a marathon. Every step forward was a small victory in and of itself, and even if she were to falter, he'd help her pick herself back up again and continue on her way.
Elliot was about to say something else, but the appearance of a nurse prevented him from doing so, at least temporarily. The woman was here to distribute Olivia's nighttime medication, and also to inquire what she would like for a late evening snack. In addition to a smoothie, apparently there were other options available, but before any could be mentioned, Elliot intervened.
"If there is a printed menu available of the food options Sergeant Benson has to choose from during the hours outside of meal times, can you please bring it to the room? That way, if she's ever interested, it's easily at her disposal."
Olivia's sigh of relief was audible only to Elliot. She did, however, manage to agree to a smoothie. The thought of anything else, especially after a day where she had faced three meals – no matter how tiny – was too much to even consider.
Twenty minutes later, she was sipping from a small cup containing part of her mixed berry smoothie. Elliot, who had stepped out to raid one of the vending machines on the floor also had a snack of his own. They were currently facing off across her tray table, a deck of cards between them. Olivia, unable to fully concentrate on any sort of game that would require a great deal of thought, had suggested they play the children's classic 'war'. That suggestion had prompted laughter from Elliot, who remembered the many fights that had resulted because of the game when his children had played it when they were young. Still, if it would make Olivia happy, he would do anything she asked.
The game took them nearly two hours to complete, and resulted in several heated battles. In the end, it was Olivia who was declared the winner. Elliot conceded defeat graciously, though he did request a rematch. While she was trying to pretend she wasn't interested in granting one, a yawn escaped that Olivia was unable to hide. Her fatigue was getting the better of her, and it was apparent that she needed to try and sleep.
After a final appearance from an aide for the night, Olivia was settled in bed once more. Elliot was still by her side, sensing her growing anxiety.
"Close your eyes, Liv. I'm not going anywhere."
Despite her exhaustion, Olivia still tried to protest.
"But you need to rest, too. You can't keep staying awake watching me sleep."
"Don't worry about me. I'm fine."
As she nodded off, Olivia mumbled one final rejoinder, intent on having the last word.
"That's my line."
Elliot smiled as he adjusted the covers, ensuring that Olivia would be warm enough. Then he returned to his position in the chair beside her bed. He would keep watch for a few hours, then retreat to the love seat by the windows to rest his own mind and body. What mattered was that he was here if she should need him. She had crossed amazing hurdles today, but come tomorrow, she'd need to do it all over again. He wasn't going to let her do one bit of it alone.