A/N: My apologies for the delay since the last update. I needed to take a step back from the more emotional content for a bit, so I wrote some for my other story, The Longest Relationship. Then, I was inspired for Slaps, Stitches, and Soliloquies, which was intended to be a one shot, and completely took on a life of its own! Now, I am back with this story which has never left it's place in my heart. As always, thanks go out to purpleomaddy for previewing this chapter ahead of time and for being my sounding board during our late night chats.
Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
Elliot awoke in the early morning hours, having grown accustomed to rising with sun on the eastern coast once more. As had been his routine the past several days, the first thing he did was glance toward the hospital bed where Olivia lay, ensuring her slumber remained peaceful. Her sleep patterns continued to be interrupted on a frequent basis by night terrors and flashbacks, so it was often only after a certain hour that she would find the quiet calm needed to achieve adequate and restorative rest. Fortunately, she was still accepting of both his presence and his comfort when those interruptions occurred.
Standing and stretching, Elliot ignored the popping sounds his joints made – no doubt in protest to his having spent another night contorted on the love seat as opposed to sleeping in a proper bed. If he were honest with himself, he didn't care one bit about the complaints his body was issuing in regard to his more recent sleeping habits. If it made Olivia feel safe, he'd do whatever was necessary. Truth be told, he was just relieved she was comfortable having him in the same room, especially when he had previously been forbidden to acknowledge the mere existence of her nightmares.
Basing his judgment equally on the last time Olivia had dozed off and the even cadence of her breathing, Elliot reasoned she would still be asleep for a minimum of another two hours. Last night had been particularly difficult, and he hoped she would get the extra rest this morning while things were calm. That gave him plenty of time to head down to the restroom on the floor designated for families to freshen up for the day, then go to the lounge with his tablet and log in to a virtual meeting. He hadn't been lying when he'd told Olivia that he'd still been keeping up with them. It also meant that she wouldn't be aware of his having left her alone, even though he always left behind a note when he knew he'd be away from the room for an extended period of time.
After taking the time to shower and properly groom his goatee, Elliot changed into jeans and a polo shirt for the day. As he studied his reflection in the mirror, an amused smile overtook his features as he recalled the day before, when Olivia had all but kicked him out of her room for a few hours. He'd been in such a hurry the other night, desperate to get to her as quickly as possible, that the only things he'd thought to throw in his bag were a change of clothes and a toothbrush. Everything else had completely slipped his mind. In fact, the only reason he'd remembered his laptop and tablet had been because he'd believed she could possibly benefit from them, and not for his own personal use.
Minutes later, once he'd stored his bag back in Olivia's room and ensured she was still sleeping comfortably, Elliot was sitting in the relative quiet of the lounge. With visiting hours not scheduled to begin for another ninety minutes, he was guaranteed to be able to participate in his meeting free from interruptions. Once he'd logged in on his tablet, he simply waited for the others to join.
Since he'd been attending these virtual meetings for several days now, there were more than a few recognizable faces. When it was his turn to speak, Elliot found himself more open than he'd been in the past, sharing a surprising personal truth. It was a revelation that, despite the fact that he'd been extremely worried about Olivia lately, and still carried a great deal of self blame, he'd not actively thought about drinking since the day she was first admitted to the hospital. Instead, he had focused all of his energies on trying to be a positive support system for her, knowing she needed his strength now more than ever. While the others in the group applauded his convictions, they were quick to point out that he was right to continue on with the meetings, because he needed his own encouragement to ensure his sobriety remained on track.
Following a recitation of the Serenity Prayer to close out the meeting, Elliot logged off from the session and powered down his tablet. On his way to grab some coffee, he greeted the nurses just coming on shift who were about to head into the conference room to receive the overnight report. Realizing that more time had passed that he'd previously thought, Elliot quickened his steps, intent on getting back to Olivia before anyone entered her room to take her vital signs for the morning. Opting for the stairs, he rushed down to the main level, where he found the coffee shop and ordered himself a cup of the house brew. Fortunately, he was saved from making the reverse hike of climbing several flights when the elevator doors opened just as he approached, and he darted into the lift and pressed the button for Olivia's floor.
Sighing in relief that the woman in the bed had remained undisturbed in his absence, Elliot positioned himself in the chair beside her. As he sat sipping his coffee and waiting for her to stir, his mind wandered to the events of the previous night.
Following their somewhat serious conversation, Olivia had been in need of a distraction. The one thing her mind hadn't allowed her to forget was the fact that she'd finally been given permission to walk the halls. Any concerns Elliot might have had about her overdoing it were wiped away when she'd asked him to accompany her. Looking back now, he believes that even Olivia had been shocked by just how low her tolerance for activity was. Though her appetite had been consistent the past few days since he'd been scaling down her meals, she still wasn't eating quite what she should, and the lack of nutrition was making itself known with decreased energy. While he'd kept his opinion to himself, Elliot secretly believed that if not for the terrifying dreams that held her captive, Olivia would likely be spending more time sleeping as a means to escape facing reality.
Olivia's frequent stumbles on her walk through the halls had prompted another conversation when they'd returned to the room, one initiated by the woman herself. Though it had taken extreme effort for her to ask, as it entailed a great internal struggle, she'd asked Elliot to slightly increase her food portions. She definitely wasn't ready to tackle full size meals just yet, but Olivia's motivation came from another source – she wanted to get out of the hospital. She knew if left to her own devices, she'd likely still be refusing to eat entirely, but with Elliot's help, things would be easier.
Movement on the bed brought Elliot back to the present, and he blinked rapidly. Though not intentional, his lost in thought expression would have easily given someone the impression that he was staring, and that is the last thing that he needed anyone to observe, especially Olivia. He knew she already had enough self conscious moments as it was about her current state, let alone being in the hospital. It made her feel even more under the microscope than ever before. Chancing a glance down, Elliot held his breath, and almost forgot to breathe when a pair of brown eyes were watching him intently from the bed. Before he could form an apology, Olivia's voice broke the silence.
"I've noticed that I fall asleep with you right next to me, and I wake up with you right next to me. Please tell me you actually are sleeping at some point, and not just staring at me all night long. That would just be creepy."
Elliot had frozen the moment Olivia had put forth what seemed to be an accusation. However, mere seconds after the words had been uttered, her stern demeanor crumbled when a smile she could contain no longer broke free and brightened her entire face.
"Relax, Elliot. This certainly isn't the first time I've caught you staring in all the years I've known you."
Flushing even harder now, because he knew what she was saying was the truth, Elliot managed a response.
"Not helping, Liv."
Elliot was spared any further comment when April arrived in the room, pushing the small wheeled monitor needed to record Olivia's vital signs. She greeted both occupants warmly, then promptly went about her duties. April's first task was to disconnect the IV that her patient had been connected to overnight, to allow Olivia more freedom of movement throughout the day. Once that was complete, and Olivia's temperature, blood pressure, pulse, and respiration had all been taken, April asked the woman in her care if she were interested in getting cleaned up for the day.
"Yes, please."
"I'll be back in a few minutes. Did you need anything besides the shampoo cap and some fresh towels?"
Olivia shook her head, at the same time answering verbally.
"No, thank you."
As soon as April had left, Elliot brought over Olivia's bag so she could get something clean to change into. He made a mental note that if she wasn't discharged soon, to either get her more clothes, or take what he had sent in for her somewhere to get washed. Anything that would free her from having to wear a hospital issue gown. So far though, she still had at least another two or three days to go before any decisions needed to be made.
"Hey, Elliot?"
Still partially lost in thought, Elliot diverted his focus back to Olivia. It wasn't often that she directly asked him for anything, so he wanted to give her his full attention. With a nod, he indicated she should continue.
"Is Don coming in again this morning? Not that I expect him to – I mean, I'll understand if he has other plans."
Holding up a hand to stop Olivia from going any further, Elliot tried his best to reassure her. He refrained from telling her to calm down, because such a phrase would only sound placating and condescending, and would have the opposite effect of what he intended. Plus, he knew from experience that was the last thing to say to someone who was upset. Instead, he made sure she knew that he'd heard every word she said.
"Liv, it's okay. I can see where you might be worried, but right now you're Don's – and my – top concern. Yes, he is coming in this morning. He told me so last night. Was there something you needed him to bring from the cottage? If so, I can try and catch him before he leaves."
Olivia shook her head to indicate the negative, her cheeks tinged with pink. Unable to look Elliot in the eye, she studied the blanket on her bed as she gave her answer.
"It's not that. I was just wondering if he would mind bringing me in another cup of coffee this morning. I know I didn't exactly drink the one he got yesterday -"
Her voice trailed off hesitantly as she lost her nerve, unable to complete her request. Elliot, on the other hand, had no problem at all in giving an answer.
"That won't be a problem at all, Liv. Even if for whatever reason he wouldn't be coming in today, I'd go myself to get you some coffee. If there is ever anything thatyou want, all you need to do is ask, okay?"
Unable to speak past the lump in her throat, all Olivia could do was nod. She considered herself saved then, when April returned to the room, bearing the heated shampoo cap and fresh towels. Desperate for some time alone, Olivia made her way to the bathroom, where she closed the door behind her, accepting whatever temporary solitude she could get at the moment to collect her thoughts.
It was only when Olivia was dressing fifteen minutes later that she ran into another snag that sent her racing headlong into panic. Without realizing it, the shirt that she'd brought with her to change into had short sleeves. Elliot must have packed it by accident when selecting clothes for her here at the hospital, because she could have sworn she'd stored all the more revealing items she'd brought in another drawer. This simply wouldn't do. There was no way she could be in his presence with any bare skin on display. Not now, not this soon. It was bad enough the times she had to look at her own reflection in the mirror. She simply wasn't ready to have someone else see her, too. Especially when that person was Elliot. Forcing herself to sound as rational as possible, Olivia called through the door. As though he'd been standing guard, anticipating any sign of possible distress, Elliot voice answered almost instantly.
"What is it Liv?"
"Can you grab me another shirt from the bag, please? The one I brought in has short sleeves, and I need long ones. I still get cold easily."
Olivia exhaled a sigh of relief when Elliot didn't argue with her, and mere moments later a knock on the door told her that he'd done just as she'd asked. When she told him it was unlocked, he opened it only enough to pass the garment inside, never once making eye contact. After making the switch, Olivia was feeling much more secure having her body hidden, and made her exit back to the main room. Instead of heading back to the bed, she went straight for the love seat, curling up in one corner. When Elliot offered her a blanket, she didn't protest, but accepted willingly.
"Here you go, Liv. Also, I wanted to tell you, Don sent a text while you were in the bathroom. He's on his way to the hospital, and he'll be bringing some coffee for all of us."
"I hope he's bringing you breakfast, too."
Elliot hid his smile. It had not once escaped his notice that even while Olivia continued to struggle with her own appetite, she always made certain he was taking care of himself. That part of her personality – always putting others first – hadn't diminished in the slightest.
"Yes, he's bringing me breakfast, and himself too. We'll be eating with you again."
A knock at the door prevented Olivia from answering. She groaned inwardly when she saw that it was Dr. Barnes. Granted, she knew it was the psychiatrist's job to check in on her every day, but he always seemed to find the most inopportune times to pop in. The other worry that was prevalent in her mind was that the man would be wanting an immediate answer to the theory he had proposed the other day about her continuation of care. In truth, she'd barely had time to consider it.
The sheer thought of making a decision of that magnitude was overwhelming. Finding a therapist she trusted wasn't an easy choice. It wasn't like shopping for a new pair of jeans, where she could try on as many pairs as she liked until she'd found a favorite. There were only so many times she could tell her story, and already it seemed as though she'd reached her limit. It didn't help Olivia that each of these providers wanted to hear the words from her own lips, and weren't content with studying the thick files that accompanied her.
Fortunately, Dr. Barnes wasn't there for an answer. He'd just wanted to check in and touch base, as well as drop off a list of names. After some thought, he'd realized that he'd left his patient out at sea with nothing to go on. By giving Olivia this list of potential referrals, that gave her something concrete to go by. Now, she could do her own research, and see what options would best suit her needs. For the first time in days, Olivia sincerely thanked the man who had been treating her since her admission, watching in wonder as he left her and Elliot alone once more.
Don's timing had been perfect. He had arrived precisely when the breakfast tray was delivered, which worked out great considering Elliot had actually chosen a hot meal for Olivia this morning. Keeping her request from the night before at the forefront of his mind, he carefully portioned out half of a cheese omelet, half of a buttered English muffin, and a small helping of cut up fruit to the plate he fixed up. Taking a chance, Elliot also added a serving of orange juice to accompany the coffee that Don had brought, emphasizing to Olivia that there was no pressure for her to drink it, but it was just there if she wanted it.
As the trio sat around the table eating together, conversation was kept basic, even though there was something of a more important nature that Don and Elliot needed to broach later on. However, they both knew it was imperative to not ambush Olivia so early on in the day, and it was wiser for them to bide their time.
To the great surprise of the two men, and even Olivia herself, she ended up consuming everything on the small plate Elliot had placed in front of her, along with both beverages. Granted, she was extremely full afterward, but not unpleasantly so. She didn't know what this would mean in terms of her appetite in regard to her mid-morning smoothie, but decided not to worry about it right now.
After Elliot had disposed of the trash from his and Don's meals, and returned Olivia's tray to the meal cart, he came back to the room. By this point, Olivia had moved to the reclining chair, and made herself more comfortable. It was easy to see that she was growing increasingly restless with hospital life, and despite the fact she had been afforded more freedoms with the ability to move about, her tolerance for continuing inpatient care would eventually reach its limit.
Though the idea had originally been Elliot's, it was Don who eventually opened up the discussion. He had been in full agreement with the other man, that the subject of Olivia's medical proxy was something they'd needed to discuss with the woman– a topic that had initially come up the first day she'd been admitted. While Don would do anything for his former detective, the current distance between New York City and Cape May didn't allow him to easily be there for her in case of an emergency. It would be better for all involved if that substitute decision maker were to once again be Elliot. Heaven forbid, should another crisis arise, he would already be there to make the necessary ruling when it came to Olivia's medical care.
"Olivia? Are you feeling up to a conversation? I don't want to put more on you than you can handle, and it's a bit of a serious topic."
Olivia's brow furrowed, and her confusion was evident. However, there were no signs of anxiety visible in her body language as she both physically and verbally gave her assent. Confident that she could handle what he and Elliot were about to put forth, Don continued.
"We wanted to talk to you about your medical forms, Olivia. As you know, I've been your emergency contact and substitute decision maker since – well, you know since when."
Don cleared his throat, then took a moment to sip what remained of his coffee. He hadn't anticipated awkwardness setting in this early on, or that he'd stick his foot in his mouth like this. Thankfully, Olivia didn't seem upset by what he had said, which had in fact been nothing but the simple truth.
"While I'm not leaving immediately, the time will come when I'll eventually have to return to the city. I want you to know I will always come back if you need me, but I also want you to have someone here who is in your corner."
Olivia's eyes widened almost imperceptibly as realization dawned. Suddenly, she understood more than ever why her onetime Captain and now trusted friend had sent Elliot to the cottage. It went so far beyond just reuniting the former partners. He was trying to give her what she needed – the rock that had been by her side for over twelve years of her life, someone she could lean on as she traveled the rocky road of recovering from her trauma. Likewise, Elliot, too, was in need of healing. For the first time, Olivia understood not only how much she needed him, but how much they needed each other.
The thoughts spiraled even further as Olivia acknowledged a heartbreaking truth - had Don told her of his intentions ahead of time, she would have stubbornly refused. Not only the offer of the cottage, but she would have denied herself the very comfort of allowing Elliot back into her life. Despite everything that she had been through, her pride was still great enough that it would have prevented her from accepting anything that would ease the pains of the burden she carried.
"Olivia? Are you all right? I haven't upset you, have I?"
Don's concerned questions brought Olivia back to the present, and it occurred to her that she'd not only failed to respond, but had been staring into space without blinking for some time now. Silently admonishing herself for her thoughtlessness, the brunette turned to her two companions, her voice unwavering in its certainty.
"No, you haven't upset me at all. I'm sorry, I just got lost in my own thoughts for a moment. If anything, what you've suggested is something that has crossed my mind, too. I just wasn't sure how to bring it up after the way I've been acting."
Unable to keep his distance, Elliot moved from his chair at the table and crossed the few steps to where Olivia was seated. Crouching down in front of her, he extended his hands, palms up, for her to take. When she placed her fingers in his, he grasped them lightly, and tried to impart to her the depth of what he was feeling.
"Liv, there is nothing you need to apologize for. I can't even begin to imagine the magnitude of what you are dealing with right now. Add being here in the hospital on top of all that, it would be a lot for anyone to handle. Just know that you don't have to face any of it alone, okay?"
Olivia managed a nod, then struggled to find the words she'd been wanting to say for days.
"Elliot, would you be willing to be my emergency contact and medical proxy again? That is, if it's not too much pressure for you, I know you have your own recovery to deal with -"
Cutting Olivia off in mid-sentence, Elliot held squeezed her fingers to gain her attention.
"Liv, stop. Of course I will be your contact. I was hoping you would ask, and I'm honored to take on that role for you again. I pray that it never becomes necessary, but you know I'll do whatever it takes to make sure your wishes are always acknowledged."
"Thank you."
As though sensing the emotion in the room was becoming too much for everyone to handle, Don decided it was time to change the subject. He was, however, pleased that things had turned out the way they had. The conversation could have easily shifted in another direction, with Olivia taking offense to their suggestion and becoming closed off, or even refusing completely to consider a change in her emergency contact.
"Now that is settled, what do you say we pass the time by playing a few rounds of cards? That is, of course, if you're feeling up to it, Olivia."
"That sounds great. But I don't want to hear Elliot complain when I kick his ass again."
Olivia's comment caused everyone in the room to laugh heartily, even more so when it was punctuated by an emphatic denial from Elliot. Rather than have the woman who was obviously comfortable move back to the table, the two men simply moved the table toward her, then took their seats once more. The deck of cards was produced, and a game of gin rummy began.
After several rounds of the card game, Olivia began to grow restless. That was when Elliot suggested a brief walk in the hallway to stretch her legs. Brightening, the brunette remembered again that she actually had the freedom to move about more now than before. The pair were just getting ready to head out when April appeared, this time to ask what flavor smoothie her patient preferred. Accustomed to the practice now, Olivia gave her response without hesitating. Just before the young woman retreated, though, Olivia said something that shocked the two men in her presence.
"April? I was hoping maybe you could help me. I don't know who I would talk to about this, but I'm going to be needing to change some things on my forms. Mainly, my medical proxy. Can you put me in touch with the proper people to take care of that?"
"Of course. I'll contact the social worker and have her come see you as soon as possible with the appropriate paperwork."
Expressing her sincere thanks, Olivia tried to swallow any existing feelings of anxiety. Logically, she knew she was making the right decision, but she couldn't help but feel that she was only shifting the burden of her care from Don to Elliot. It wasn't fair to either man to expect them to put up with her, and for a fleeting moment the idea of running away seemed like the best possible scenario once more.
"Liv? You okay?"
Shaking her head, Olivia returned to the present. She found Elliot positioned in front of her, palms outstretched so that he could help her stand. When she was steady on her feet, he offered her his elbow so she could loop her arm through his, and together they headed out into the hall. Meanwhile, Don also exited the room, on his way to procure more coffee for both himself and Elliot.
As they traveled the hallway, Elliot opted to lead Olivia in a different direction than the night before, this time toward the visitor's lounge. Though he opted not to comment on it, one of the first things he had noticed was that her gait was much more steady today. He attributed it in part to her having eaten a heartier breakfast, even if it was still only half the amount on her tray.
"Are you okay with walking a bit farther, Liv?"
"Yes, it feels good to stretch my legs. Where exactly are we going, anyway?"
Chuckling softly, more at the curiosity behind the question than the confusion that had inspired it, Elliot attempted an answer.
"I thought I would show you where I disappear to every morning while you are still sleeping. That is, if you don't mind."
"Of course not. If you hadn't said anything, I wouldn't have known that was even a thing. Are you sure you don't mind? The last thing I want to do is intrude on something personal."
Though he wanted to reassure Olivia immediately that introducing her to his newfound habits was something he was doing willingly, and that her presence was not in any way an intrusion, Elliot waited until they had traveled the remaining distance, reaching the relative safety and privacy that the lounge offered.
After leading her to his favorite spot, Elliot indicated with one hand that Olivia should sit. Once the wary brunette had perched on the couch, Elliot lowered himself to join her on the adjacent cushion. He was mindful to keep a respectable distance away, not wanting to crowd into Olivia's personal bubble. Only then did he speak.
"Liv, you could never intrude. If anything, I'm the one who feels like I've been invading – from the first night, actually. Out of all people to show up at your door, I know I was the last one you were expecting."
Holding up her palm, Olivia brought the conversation to a premature halt.
"Elliot, don't. I know I keep stopping you from talking about the deep things, and I'm sorry. I get that we can't avoid it forever, but I'm just not ready to handle that right now. We will talk about it – all of it – eventually, I promise."
Understanding that Olivia wasn't trying to shut him out completely, merely trying to buy more time, Elliot nodded. Inwardly, he was kicking himself for what he perceived as having pressured her yet again. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately, even if it weren't intentional. Then, just when he had almost given up hope entirely and was about to suggest going back to the room, Olivia offered up an olive branch.
"So, this is where you've been attending your meetings these days?"
Brightening, Elliot smiled and gestured with one hand around the room.
"It's perfect, don't you think? Somewhat comfortable furniture, a reasonably reliable internet connection, and at the hour of morning I'm in here, no interruptions."
He allowed Olivia to mull over in her mind the particular assets he had just mentioned for a few minutes before continuing. This time, there was no hiding his grin – or the mischief behind it.
"Besides, when the meeting comes to a close, I get to head downstairs to the first floor coffee shop. So it's just like getting the complete experience – only with better coffee."
Olivia couldn't contain her mirth at the comment. She laughed out loud, her hand reaching out to touch Elliot on the arm. She squeezed once, briefly, then terminated the contact, curling her fingers once more on her lap. They sat together in silence for a few more minutes before she reluctantly suggested going back to her room. Even though she was in no hurry to drink it, Olivia knew her smoothie would be ready and waiting for her. Plus, this short journey had already left her feeling more tired than she cared to admit.
Once back in her room, Olivia found her smoothie waiting for her, just as she'd predicted. Though she tried her hardest, she still wasn't able to drink any more than half of the frozen concoction. In truth, she was growing weary of the meal supplements, no matter how necessary to her diet they were. It had only been a few days, and already all the flavors were beginning to blend together and taste the same.
Sensing that Olivia was restless, Don was about to suggest another game of cards to help pass the time when a knock captured everyone's attention. A petite woman with auburn hair stood in the threshold, awaiting permission to enter. It was obvious from her business casual attire that this was not a physician, so Olivia surmised that this must be the social worker April had stated she would send for. Once given consent, the woman stepped into the room and introduced herself.
"Hello. My name is Elizabeth Keene, and I'm a social worker and patient liaison here at the hospital. I don't know if you remember, Sergeant, but we spoke briefly the day you were admitted."
Olivia studied the individual who had addressed her carefully. She had to admit that Elizabeth looked vaguely familiar, even if the memories from the first day of her hospitalization were practically nonexistent. Determined not to stress herself out worrying about something she had no control over - especially when what was going to happen would be emotionally taxing in itself – Olivia merely nodded.
Picking up on the body language and social cues that she was witnessing, Elizabeth moved on to the topic at hand. After opening the file folder that she carried and shuffling through a few papers, she extended one to the patient seated in the comfortable chair.
"This is the current information we had faxed over to us from your doctors affiliated with Mercy General in New York City. If you could look it over, and make sure that everything is correct to your knowledge."
Olivia gingerly grasped the form between her fingers, and studied it carefully, her eyes scanning the page. For the most part, it contained her basic medical information that anyone treating her would need to know. Finally, at the bottom, she saw what she was looking for – Medical Proxy in Case of Emergency: Donald Cragen.
"Does everything look in order, besides of course the one part you wish to alter?"
Elizabeth's voice cut through the silence in the room, unintentionally startling Olivia in the process. The Sergeant jumped involuntarily in her seat, then immediately apologized. Inwardly, Olivia was humiliated, but still trying to her best to maintain a brave facade, especially in the midst of a stranger.
"Everything looks fine. I just need to make Elliot Stabler my medical proxy. I will of course be keeping Don as my secondary emergency contact."
"That's fine. I brought all the necessary paperwork. We can have it filled out in just a few minutes. When we're done, I can send a copy back to New York. That way if and when you resume care there, the changes will be in effect."
Elizabeth had been true to her word. Aside from a few initial questions that had spiked Olivia's anxiety, the process of filling out the forms had been a relatively painless one. But the inquiries had been necessary, to ensure that Olivia was in fact making the change of medical proxy under her own free will, and that it would truly benefit her care. Once all the i's had been dotted, the t's had been crossed, and all the appropriate boxes had been checked, everything was complete with the addition of both Elliot and Olivia's signatures. It was strangely bittersweet for the pair seeing their names in script side by side again, especially knowing the reasons that had preceded it, as well as the events that had propelled them back together.
Eager to change the subject now that the three of them were on their own again, Don offered up a suggestion. He had said he would go somewhere to pick up lunch for both himself and Elliot, but the younger of the two men declined. Instead, he said that just grabbing something from the cafeteria would be fine for today, and that he actually already had in mind what it was that he wanted. With a mysterious grin, Elliot whispered furtively so only his one-time Captain could hear.
"I'm still in the room, you know"
There was no mistaking the displeasure in Olivia's voice at having been excluded from a conversation. Elliot took no offense, fully understanding that the hospital stay was taking it's toll on his former partner. Coupled with her continuing trauma recovery, mood swings were to be expected. Not that he would even classify this as anything close to a mood swing – just some intermittent grumpiness. He was even willing to acknowledge that he was mostly at fault. His methods hadn't exactly been subtle, even though there were plenty of options for being surreptitious at his disposal. He just hoped that when Olivia's lunch arrived tray arrived shortly, she liked the surprise he had arranged.
Now that he had Elliot's order memorized, Don wisely excused himself so he could make a cafeteria run and pick them up something to eat. This left Elliot and Olivia on their own, with the former of the two feeling a need to apologize.
"I'm sorry, Liv. I wasn't trying to shut you out, I promise. All I was telling Don is what I wanted from the cafeteria."
Chagrined, Olivia shook her head, dismissing Elliot's words. If anything, she felt she was the one who should be making amends.
"No, Elliot. You have nothing to apologize for. I'm the one who is sorry. I snapped at you, and you definitely didn't deserve it."
"Don't worry about it. I'll just make it a point to be more careful in the future, okay?"
Nodding, Olivia agreed, and the subject was considered dropped. A rumbling sound in the hallway was all they needed to hear to let them know that tray delivery was imminent. Lowering her feet back to the floor from their elevated position, Olivia stood. A few minutes later, she was getting settled at what was becoming her usual place at the table. Elliot was by the windows, his back to her, apparently already separating her lunch. Some part of the meal must have been hot, because there was an aroma filling the room. If she had to guess, Olivia would say it was grilled chicken, and it smelled amazing. What she saw when her food was placed in front of her, though, completely took her by surprise.
With tears welling up in her eyes, Olivia took in the sight before her. She remembered telling Elliot about her lunch with Owen, and it appeared he had really been listening. Her menu for today consisted of a grilled chicken salad – scaled down to the perfect size for her smaller appetite. To accompany it, there was half of a baked potato with butter and sour cream, half of a dinner roll, and some grapes. As always, dessert had been included, this time a piece of angel food cake. To drink, a bottle of water had been sent up on the tray, but as an additional surprise, Olivia noticed a small packet next to it. It contained sugar free drink mix, as Don had brought in a couple boxes this morning to help her continue to increase her fluid consumption. Currently, Elliot had given her some lemonade.
"This looks great, Elliot. Thank you so much. I only hope I can eat it."
Elliot briefly rested his palm against Olivia's cheek, regarding her with a warm expression.
"Like I've said before, Liv, there is no pressure. Just eat what you can. If you get hungry later, I can always go and get you something then. Just take it one bite at a time. I know you've had a stressful day."
It was the first time either of them had mentioned the toll that the intense conversations and act of actually switching her medical proxy had taken on Olivia. It didn't in any way negate the trust she had for Elliot, only that she was already under so much pressure from being a patient in the hospital and her subsequent struggles with trying to get well enough to leave.
Currently, Olivia was hesitating in starting on her lunch, not out of a lack of appetite, but because she didn't want to eat before the men had a chance to join her. Some gentle encouragement from Elliot convinced her that it was okay to not wait, so she began the process of independently dressing and tossing the portion of salad that had been put on her plate. It hadn't escaped Olivia's notice that as she continued to progress, so did Elliot's accommodation in ensuring her autonomy was not only restored, but maintained. Not that he had ever denied her the ability to make her own choices, he had merely shouldered the load when the burden was too heavy for her to withstand. Now, it seemed to be a shared responsibility – enough to give Olivia the sense of self that she needed, but not too immense that it was overwhelming.
"Liv, go ahead and eat while the chicken on your salad is still warm. You don't want your potato to get cold, either."
With a smirk, Olivia couldn't help but concede that he was right. Plus, the food did smell delicious, and Don would be here soon enough with his and Elliot's lunches. It wasn't as though she were being rude on purpose. Picking up her fork for a second time, Olivia took her first tentative bite.
Olivia had already eaten some of both her salad and potato and was taking a break when Don returned. He'd procured a burger and fries per Elliot's request, and a turkey wrap for himself. The elder of the two men was curious as to the younger's motives, as they could have acquired this exact same lunch from the nearby diner, and the quality would have been exponentially better. Not that the food at this hospital was bad, but any food served in mass volume at an institution was almost always guaranteed to be more bland than that which was made to order.
When Don saw Elliot situate his food, though, everything became clear. Naturally, the man had orientated the burger directly in front of himself, but the fries – those had been strategically set to the side. Now they resided in a location equidistant between his place at the table and the woman sitting adjacent to him. Without any open encouragement, Elliot was secretly hoping that Olivia would pilfer a few of the slender cut fried potatoes, as had always been her habit in the past.
Whether it had been an intentional act, or merely a subconscious desire to return to familiar patterns, Olivia had become susceptible to Elliot's veritable bait. In all, she had consumed three french fries, plus the entirety of the meal that had been scaled down for her. In truth, part of her sweet tooth was still very much active, and she was tempted to ask for the rest of the angel food cake that she knew was still on the tray. However, she had already made such great strides, and the last thing Olivia wanted to do now was slide backward by overindulging and inadvertently making herself ill. In spite of her reluctance to eat more at this very moment, she did ask Elliot to set the remainder of the dessert to the side, on the chance that she might want it later.
Olivia was non-responsive as Elliot cleared away the empty plates and trash from their lunch. He took no offense to her unwillingness to talk, as it was obvious the brunette was deep in thought. All he could hope was that the reason for her pensiveness was nothing that would cause her distress.
Temporarily lost in her own world, Olivia was attempting to analyze a torrent of images bombarding her psyche at a rapid pace. She'd come to a realization while she was eating, and the truth was only just beginning to have it's impact on her. The events of the morning had taken their toll, and not without consequences. Even though it was by her own choice, she had once again placed her well being solely in Elliot's hands.
The prospect in itself was not daunting or intimidating. She had, after all, walked side by side with the man for a span of over twelve years in length. Together, they had faced the worst atrocities that society had to offer, and borne each other up through thick and thin. One thing Olivia knew for certain – Elliot would never intentionally cause her harm. As her thoughts shifted and twisted into a recent reminiscence – in particular, his heartfelt confessions on the beach – Olivia's worries resurfaced anew. Not the anxiety that Elliot's burdens would be too great for her to withstand, but rather that her trauma was too much of a weight to rest on his shoulders. No matter how many times he had reassured her his sobriety was intact, it didn't dissuade the fear that she would ultimately be the one to break him. That would be a guilt she'd never be able live with.
"Liv? Liv! Focus on my voice, Olivia. Come back to me."
Vaguely, Olivia became aware of Elliot calling to her, coupled with a piercing ache in her chest. As she registered her surroundings, she belatedly noticed that tears were streaming in rivulets down her cheeks – likely what had incited Elliot's alarm to begin with. But, for the first time, she wasn't what she would refer to as inconsolable. Instead, there was a newfound catharsis to this surge of grief that gripped her, and Olivia welcomed it.
Though she did not respond verbally to Elliot's request, Olivia was able to acknowledge that she had heard him. As for her tears, they eventually gave way to hiccups before abating altogether. Through her haze, Olivia also realized that at some point, she had been encouraged to move from her position at the table back to the reclining chair. A blanket had been placed across her lap to offer an additional layer of security. As for Elliot, he remained close enough in proximity to offer support without inundating her with his presence. When he noticed that she was more rooted in the here and now, he addressed her a second time.
"Hey, Liv. What do you say I try and arrange a cup of hot tea for you? You still have some of those tea bags that I brought in the other day."
Relieved that Elliot wasn't pressuring her to discuss the trigger to her momentary lapse, Olivia nodded her consent. It did occur to her to wonder where Don had disappeared to, but it wasn't something she could devote a great deal of energy to. Instead, Olivia waited until her former partner had slipped from the room in search of a cup of hot water, then made her way into the bathroom.
It was behind the safety of the closed door that Olivia allowed a few residual tears to fall, even as she kept one hand clamped over her mouth to mute her sobs. She didn't feel the freedom to fall apart here like she needed to, and worked even harder to reign in her runaway emotions. She also didn't need an experienced professional to tell her that a break was coming, and soon. These past few weeks - this past year - had been more than any one person should have to bear. Olivia only hoped when the moment did come, she would be alone so that no one else would have to bear witness to her humiliation.
Shaking her head, Olivia tried to dismiss those thoughts as quickly as they had arrived. Instead, she swiped her palms down her face, and stepped closer to the sink. Adjusting the water to a cool temperature, she wet a washcloth and held it against her eyes. It was an attempt to minimize the redness and swelling so her features could return to their normal state.
Minutes later, when she returned to the main area of her hospital room, Olivia found Elliot and Don patiently waiting for her. True to his word, the former had a cup of hot tea sweetened to her liking. There was no mention of her previous breakdown. Instead, Don initiated a casual segue into the preferred activity for the afternoon. She was given the option of watching something on television, or beating her companions in another game of cards. It was with a grin that Olivia chose the battle of skill in lieu of the more passive pastime.
Like they had done the previous day, the two men adjusted the position of the table so that Olivia could remain in the relative comfort of the reclining chair. Similarly, the concept of the game was kept simple. Once again, the trio engaged in several hands of gin rummy, with Olivia winning the majority. The brunette lost interest more quickly than she had previously, and Don picked up on the subtle cues of her body language. He took it as the opportunity to make his exit, promising to return the following morning. Before he could leave, Dr. Barnes made an untimely appearance, and Elliot groaned inwardly. The last thing Olivia needed right now was more pressure on choosing an outpatient provider. Yes, it was a decision that needed to be made, but making her feel rushed in her choice would not help the situation any.
"Sergeant Benson, please excuse the interruption. I know I only gave you that list of names this morning, and you likely haven't had a chance to look it over yet. But, I wanted to let you know that an appointment has opened up for tomorrow with Dr. Lydia Hamil. Her receptionist is holding the slot should you decide that you want to take it."
Feeling equally confused and intrigued, Olivia shared a glance with Elliot before asking the question foremost on her mind.
"But, how will I be able to see her if I'm still a patient here? Won't that be difficult?"
The psychiatrist smiled apologetically.
"Forgive the misunderstanding, the fault is mine. I should have explained better. Lydia's office is in the Medical Professional's building adjacent to our hospital. We would have someone transport you from your room to her suite, or if you prefer, she would be willing to come and meet with you here."
Biting her lip nervously, Olivia considered the weight of the choice presented to her. She couldn't help but feel a surge of disappointment. When the option had been presented, she had allowed herself to hope that meant her release would be imminent, but such was not the case – or so it seemed. Her mood must have been transparent, because Dr. Barnes rushed on to explain.
"If you do elect to follow through with this, and Dr. Hamil agrees with my assessment, chances are high that we can get you discharged sooner rather than later."
Home. She could go home – or at the very least, back to the cottage. There would be no more staring at these same four walls, with their institutional white paint and nondescript decorations. The prospect very nearly brought a resurgence of tears to Olivia's eyes. Though she was apprehensive about telling her story to someone new, she wanted to leave this place in the worst way. This time, she didn't even need to look at Elliot for his approval.
"All right, I'll accept the appointment."
Nodding his confirmation, Dr. Barnes said he would handle the finalization of the arrangements. With one last acknowledgment to Don and Elliot, he excused himself from the room.
Olivia had been understandably quiet as she tried to process the information thrust upon her so suddenly. Though he had initially been planning to leave prior to Dr. Barnes' appearance, Don extended his visit until he knew for certain that the woman he saw as a daughter would be all right. Not that he didn't trust Elliot to look after her, but he wanted to see with his own eyes that she wasn't excessively troubled by the prospect of seeing a new therapist the following day. In truth, he still harbored some residual feelings of guilt. Though it hadn't been directly his decision, it was he who had encouraged Olivia to see someone in the first place, and it was the department who had placed her with Dr. Lindstrom. The fact that she hadn't built a successful rapport with her current provider weighed heavily on his shoulders.
Elliot, too, had noticed the marked change in Olivia's demeanor. Even with knowing the cause, it didn't lessen his concerns. He hesitated on questioning her, though, intent on giving her the necessary space to come to terms with a possibility that only an hour ago had been an uncertainty. In truth, he wanted to take her back to the comfort of the cottage as much as she longed to be there – but only if it was safe. Days had passed, and he still had yet to shake the image of finding Olivia on the kitchen floor, unresponsive and bleeding. Aside from the moment he'd mistakenly assumed that she'd overdosed, he hadn't experienced terror of that degree since his days on the force. Grief, on the other hand, was not an emotion that was a stranger. Neither were self recrimination and regret. It was why he woke just after dawn every morning to attend meetings with a group of strangers in order to maintain his sobriety.
When Olivia finally spoke, both men gave her their undivided attention. Her request though, was a shocking one.
"I think I'd like to be alone for a little while, if you don't mind. Don, I know you were already planning on leaving. Elliot, if you could give me some time to myself? I just need to think."
Elliot noted that while she was asking him for some space, Olivia wasn't appealing for him to leave altogether. The last thing he was going to do was fight her on it.
"Of course, Liv, anything you need. I'm going to walk Don out, then head down to the store not far from here. Is there anything you need me to pick up for you?"
A furrow appeared in Olivia's brow as she considered the question, and she gnawed on her lower lip. There was something that she wanted, but she was afraid to ask – not because she feared her request would be denied, but rather that she didn't trust her own instincts. As always, Elliot was able to read her, and pressed her gently.
"What is it? Tell me."
Bringing her knees up against her chest, Olivia wrapped her arms around them and buried her face.
"You'll think it's stupid."
"Never."
Exhaling a shaky breath, the brunette raised her head once more.
"It's going to sound crazy, but I'm craving something salty. Do you think you could get me some pretzels? I don't know how many I"ll be able to eat, but I really have a taste for them right now."
Elliot's eyes lit up as an idea came to him.
"Actually, Liv, there is a pretzel shop not too far from the hospital. What do you say I pick up a couple soft pretzels on my way back? I could go for a snack myself."
"That sounds great."
Stepping closer to the woman who had virtually curled into herself, Elliot bent down and brushed his lips against the crown of her head. He assured her that he wouldn't be gone long, and reminded her that if she needed anything at all, to call him. Don was next to step in and impart his farewell, along with the promise that he would bring another cup of coffee the next morning. Then, both men made their exit, leaving Olivia just as she'd asked – alone with her thoughts.
Save for a few random minutes, these were the first real moments Olivia had to herself since her failed escape when she'd called Elliot to come to her rescue. That night seemed like a lifetime ago. At that point in time, eating the smallest morsel had seemed like an impossible task. Now, she was managing three meals a day – albeit with help – as well as supplemental smoothies. Sleep was still a struggle, but that was to be expected. At least she no longer harbored the fear and embarrassment of having Elliot witness her night terrors.
All that aside, today was the first day when the idea of going home had seemed like an actual possibility, and not just an unattainable dream. Everything about the scenario seemed so surreal, and Olivia was overcome by the urge to want to pinch herself to make sure she was in fact awake.
After a few minutes of processing the information, Olivia decided it was time to think logically. She wanted to prepare herself as best she could for tomorrow, knowing that when the hour came for her appointment, she would be feeling overwhelmed. Reaching for her tablet, she opened the browser and entered in Dr. Lydia Hamil and began searching for whatever information she could find on the psychiatrist who would be treating her. One of the pieces that brought a great source of relief was a profile page from the hospital itself that featured a photograph, so Olivia now had a face to match with the name she'd been given. While she technically still would be meeting a stranger the following day, the introduction wouldn't be quite as startling.
As Olivia continued to read Dr. Hamil's biography, she found other details that brought about a sense of calm to her heightened nerves. It appeared this woman was not only a respected psychiatrist in her field, but educated in the treatment of patients who were dealing with trauma and it's aftermath.
Powering off the device, Olivia put the tablet back on the table where she'd found it. A quick glance at the clock on the opposing wall told her that she'd been on her own for about forty five minutes now. Though she was grateful to Elliot for his having given her some space, she had to admit that she missed him. However, as much as she longed for his company, she couldn't bring herself to dial his number and ask him to come back – even though he had implored her to do that very thing just prior to leaving. Unsure if her emotions were being driven by stubbornness, pride, or a combination of both, Olivia was determined to weather the storm and wait for the return of her former partner.
Olivia was just at the point where she was so full of pent up anxiety that she was contemplating going out to pace the halls when the very man she'd been thinking about appeared in the doorway to her room. Though he had a couple bags in his hands, her gaze had zeroed in on the paper sack from which the aroma of fresh-baked dough emanated.
"You're back."
Internally, Olivia was mentally kicking herself for stating something that was so blatantly obvious. Elliot, on the other hand, had taken no offense to the comment. Instead, he had heard loud and clear the relief in her voice, and his heart went out to her. Rather than bring attention to the fact that she should have called him, he instead focused on the present.
"I am. And, I brought pretzels, just like I promised."
Extending the bag in Olivia's direction, Elliot shook it slightly for emphasis. Then he crossed the few steps to place the parcel in her lap. Olivia clutched at it to prevent it from falling, and that was when she discovered that the contents of the bag were still warm – a sure sign of freshness.
"Thank you."
Unsure how to respond, and not wanting to make it seem like he was dismissing her gratitude, Elliot simply nodded. He held Olivia's gaze for a fraction longer than necessary before clearing his throat. Removing his jacket, he pulled a chair closer to where she was sitting so they could indulge in their snack.
Ninety minutes later, and Olivia and Elliot were resting comfortably together – him stretched out as best as possible on the love seat, her in the recliner – and watching a movie jointly on their respective tablet screens. It was nearing the end of the film, and both were entrenched in the plot. So much so, that Olivia was scarcely stressing over the impending arrival of the dinner trays in half an hour's time. If anything was on her mind at all, it was the fact of how great the pretzel she'd had earlier had tasted.
Ever considerate of Olivia's limited appetite, Elliot had taken advantage of the pretzel shop's offerings and chosen a miniature variety for her instead of the standard full size version. On top of that, he had gone a step above and beyond and chosen a cheddar cheese dip to accompany the treat. Olivia had surprised them both when she'd been able to consume the entirety of the pretzel along with a little more than half of her afternoon smoothie, which had been delivered late that day.
Although Elliot had jokingly asked if she had wanted a second pretzel, Olivia understood that he wasn't in any way pressuring her to eat. She knew he was just as pleased as she was with her continually improving sense of hunger. Granted, Olivia still didn't trust herself to face down an entire meal without Elliot's assistance in first paring it down to a more manageable size, but she no longer viewed eating in general with the same sense of trepidation as she had previously.
As the movie came to an end, the duo watching it shared a glance and a grin. Without a word spoken between them, Elliot knew what Olivia was going to ask – he could see it in her eyes, read it in her body language. After being still for nearly two hours, she was obviously restless, and no doubt wanted to take a brief stroll in the halls before her dinner was delivered. Though her strength had increased to the point where she could make the journey on her own, Elliot was touched by the fact that Olivia wanted his company.
Crossing the room, he extended his hands in an offer to help her raise herself to a standing position, even if it was an assistance she didn't need. Once they were out in the hall, Olivia looped her arm through his. In a surprising display of increased tactile connection, she also rested her head against his shoulder as her footsteps fell into sync with his. They had certainly shared far more intimate moments over the course of their history together, but Elliot knew that given the enormity of everything she had weathered, the fact that Olivia was seeking out human touch on her own was a big step in and of itself. Yes, she had impulsively hugged him the night he had first reappeared back in her life, and they had exchanged a few brief embraces since that impetuous moment. However, Elliot was respectful of the understandable hesitancy that his friend was experiencing, and gladly let her remain in constant control of when they would have physical contact.
After three loops around the ward, Olivia was ready to turn back. Her decision was probably influenced by a higher than normal crowd presence, likely contributing to her anxiety. Since Olivia's body was in such close proximity to his, Elliot was able to feel the slight tremor that she was trying so desperately to conceal. Though he in no way wanted to encroach in her personal space, he couldn't help but loop a protective arm around Olivia's shoulders as a means of shelter until they crossed the final distance back to her room. Once they were beyond the threshold and inside the relative safety that the familiar chamber provided, Elliot relinquished his hold and gave Olivia back her personal space. To his surprise, she didn't retreat immediately, but rather lingered nearby for a few minutes before returning to what had become her favorite chair.
Satisfied that Olivia was not feeling any distress, Elliot excused himself for a few moments so that he could use the restroom and run to the cafeteria before the dinner trays were delivered. Just before leaving, he asked – as he always did – if there were were anything he could bring back.
"No, thank you. You've already given me plenty today."
Elliot's expression softened as he realized what she hadn't said. That what he'd done for her – had been doing – went above and beyond. Keeping his voice gentle, he reminded her that there wasn't a limit to his generosity.
"I'm not keeping score, Liv. You know I'll do anything for you, whatever you need. All you have to do is ask."
Olivia exhaled a shaky breath as she tried to reign in her emotions.
In responding, she inadvertently slipped back into old habits.
"I know, El. Truth of the matter is, I have a feeling that once I get out of the hospital, I'm going to be asking you for a lot of things, and I don't want to make myself into a nuisance before it becomes absolutely necessary."
Neither acknowledged the fact that she had called him 'El', a nickname she had refrained from using since another accidental slip that day on the beach when she'd asked him where he'd been during his absence. Though hearing that lone syllable in her tone was like music to his ears, Elliot knew not to get used to it. Just like earning a place back in Olivia's life, he had to earn back the moniker she had bestowed on him all those years ago. Though he had never intended to hurt her, his actions had caused a great deal of harm to their relationship, and he was grateful that she still trusted him as implicitly as she always had. Instead, he made his exit with a few simple words of reassurance.
"You could never be a nuisance, Olivia. Always remember that."
That said, Elliot slipped quietly from the room. Olivia took advantage of the privacy to see to her own needs, then settled at the table. A familiar sound from the hallway caused panic to well up within, and her heart to beat faster. As her breathing quickened, she looked at the clock on the wall on in alarm. Dinner trays were early.
"Please don't bring it in yet...please don't bring it in yet...please don't bring it in yet."
Olivia repeated the words like a mantra, barely cognizant that she was speaking aloud. The moment an orderly appeared in the doorway carrying a tray, ready to advance into her personal space, she was rendered virtually paralyzed. Physically unable to move or speak, Olivia watched, helpless, as the man stepped closer to where she was sitting, unknowingly exacerbating the trigger. Clueless, he set the evening's meal down in front of the speechless woman with a flourish and a smile, then made his hasty retreat to deliver dinner to the next patient on his list.
When Elliot returned five minutes later, rushing into the room – he'd seen the meal cart out in the hall and cursed under his breath – he found Olivia shaking uncontrollably in her chair at the table. For all intents and purposes, she was unresponsive, instead staring with a look of sheer terror at the food laden tray that had been placed in front of her.
Even though the damage had already been done, the first thing Elliot did was move Olivia's tray to it's rightful spot by the windowsill. Inside, he was kicking himself for not having been here to intercept the delivery. It didn't matter how many times he'd asked they not pass the meals off to Olivia personally, when it came down to it, that responsibility fell on his shoulders, and his alone.
None of that mattered now. Just like he no longer cared that the Styrofoam packaging containing his own dinner now lay strewn on the floor and was growing colder with every passing minute. The only thing Elliot was worried about was getting through to Olivia, but doing so in a way that wouldn't upset her further.
Observing that Olivia was still visibly trembling, Elliot grabbed the blanket she had been using earlier. Although he doubted she could comprehend what he was saying, he talked to her the entire time he walked closer, until he was standing by her side. Only then did he drape the warm cotton around her shoulders. This caused her to flinch slightly at the contact, but she didn't recoil completely from his touch.
"It's just me, Liv."
Once again, Elliot tried to offer reassurance. As he made his way back around so that he'd be facing Olivia again, he saw her lips moving out of the corner of his eye. Though she wasn't speaking audibly, he was able to decipher what she was saying. She was clearly mouthing the words 'Never again'.
"Never again, what, Liv? Can you tell me?"
If he was being honest with himself, Elliot wasn't expecting a response. The reply he got though, very nearly broke his heart, and compounded his guilt tenfold.
"I'm never eating again."
As soon as she had spoken the words, tears began to stream in earnest down Olivia's cheeks. The blanket he had given her had done nothing to stop the trembling, and Elliot longed to get her away from the table, if only to envelop her into an embrace and offer her comfort. But he also knew that such intimate contact was the last thing she possibly needed right now, and might only prolong the torment she was experiencing. What he did know is he had to do something – and soon – because her situation was escalating into a full blown panic attack.
"Olivia? Did you want to go sit somewhere else? Someplace away from the table where you have more freedom of movement?"
Elliot made certain to voice his questions in a way that let Olivia know she was the one in control. His main concern was to try and get her erratic breathing slowed down to a more even pace, but he knew that it was something that couldn't be forced.
The sound of approaching footsteps made Elliot groan inwardly. For days now, Olivia had been able to eat her meals without interruptions. Now, on the one instance when she was having the most difficulty, it would figure that someone would come to check on her. Steadying his resolve, Elliot was prepared to advocate for his friend in whatever method necessary. He knew once the nurse or aide registered Olivia's current condition, they would offer their suggestion of help – no doubt in the form of a tranquilizer. No way in hell was he going to let that happen.
"What's going on in here? Who threw this food on the floor? Ms. Benson, why aren't you eating your dinner?"
The nurse on shift tonight was not one of Elliot's favorites. He knew for a fact that Olivia did not like the woman, either. Not only did this individual still refuse to address her by her given title of 'Sergeant', but she often spoke in a condescending manner, as though Olivia were a small child. Barely reigning in his frustration, but managing to do so more for Olivia's sake than for his own, Elliot responded.
"Dinner got here early tonight, the orderly must have placed her meal in front of her before I got back. It was obviously a trigger, and I was more concerned about calming her down than worrying about setting my own food down somewhere properly."
The nurse shifted slightly, taking in the scene in front of her.
"If she's in distress, I can go and get -"
Elliot interrupted mid sentence, his voice now a low growl.
"If the next words out of your mouth are anything to do with a tranquilizer, you can forget about it right now. She doesn't want anything like that."
"Why don't you let her decide that for herself?"
Elliot couldn't believe the attitude this woman was taking. Some people really had no business being in the health care profession.
"If you'd bothered to read her file, you'd know she is a recovering trauma survivor. The man who held her against her will kept her under the influence of alcohol and sedatives for several days, so I'm sure you can understand why she is hesitant about any medication."
Despite his insistence and evidence to the contrary, it was obvious that the nurse wasn't convinced.
"Still, I don't want her stressing herself unduly. I'm going to call her doctor and have him prescribe a sedative. It's in her best interest."
Protectively, Elliot stood in front of Olivia, blocking anyone from having access to her. The brunette had yet to speak on her own behalf, save for the few words she had said a few minutes ago about never eating again.
"You're not coming near her. If you want to call Dr. Barnes, fine, but I want to talk to him, too. I also want to talk to your supervisor."
"Whatever for?"
Resisting the urge to smack his palm against his forehead, Elliot tried his best to remain calm.
"Because, you are blatantly ignoring Sergeant Benson's wishes. No, she may not have spoken them to you herself, but I am well aware of what she wants, and as her medical proxy, can impart those wishes on to you. Second, I want to have you removed from Olivia's care."
With a huff, the nurse turned on her heel and exited the room. As soon as they were alone again, Elliot devoted his attention back to Olivia. He was beyond surprised when she addressed him personally, as he'd had no clue that she'd even registered the conversation he'd just been having.
"Thank you."
Elliot didn't even know how to respond to that, but then again, he wasn't sure a response was actually necessary. Instead, he simply nodded and waited to see what else she had to say.
"I'd like to move to the love seat, but, can you move the tray first? I don't want to be anywhere near it right now. I'm sorry."
Crouching down so that he would be at eye level, Elliot tried his best to make Olivia understand.
"Liv, you have nothing to apologize for. If anything, I'm the one who is sorry that I wasn't here when you needed me."
The statement was a heavy one, as he realized the broad spectrum of sins that fell under that umbrella. But once again, it needed to be brushed under the rug, as the weight was too much for either of them to withstand at the moment.
"The cart is right outside your room today. I'm going to put your tray back, and I'll be able to keep my eye on your door the entire time. No one will be able to come in, okay?"
Olivia nodded her consent, and while she still had her eyes averted, Elliot moved to do as she had asked, disposing of his own dinner at the same time. When he returned mere moments later, he found her sitting by the windows, still wrapped up in the blanket he had given her earlier.
"Where do you need me, Liv? Do you want me next to you, or would you prefer I keep my distance?"
"Sit next to me, please."
Still keeping a respectful distance, Elliot joined Olivia on the love seat. It occurred to him that he should have offered to get her some water or a cup of tea before sitting down, before he realized that she would not have wanted to be left alone the length of time it would have taken him to procure either one of those items. Just as he was about to say something else, April made an appearance. The aide was working a double shift today, which was why she was still at the hospital after having been Olivia's caretaker this morning.
"I'm sorry for intruding, Sergeant. I just wanted to inform you that Dr. Barnes will be in to see you again before he leaves for the night, and to see if you needed anything."
Knowing that Olivia wouldn't feel comfortable asking for her own benefit, Elliot spoke up on her behalf.
"I know you're not hungry, Liv, and that's fine. But what about some hot water so I can make you a cup of tea? Do you think you'd be able to drink that?"
At her nod, Elliot looked back to the aide for confirmation. April gave him a smile before stepping out of the room, with the promise that she would return shortly. Satisfied, he leaned back against the cushions. He'd make Olivia some tea, listen to anything she wanted to talk about – or just sit contentedly in silence with her. As worried as he was, he wasn't going to push the issue of missing a single meal. Later, if Olivia was open to it, he would suggest a small snack, and if she were hungry, he'd get her whatever she wanted. For now though, he was content to simply be with her. Setbacks were a common thing in recovery. He'd just have to make sure that she took another step forward again tomorrow.