A/N : Profuse apologies for the lengthy delay in between publishing this chapter and the previous one. I had some personal struggles with seasonal depression, and even lost my muse for a little bit. But I have no intention of ever giving up on this story, so while it may take me longer than planned sometimes to get a chapter out, rest assured, they will be coming. Thanks to all who are still following this.
Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
The sound of the alarm going off roused Olivia from her fitful slumber, and with a groan, she reached out a hand to silence the offending noise. Blinking rapidly, she allowed her vision to focus and tried to take in her surroundings, confusion setting in in a hurry. Her last recollection from the night before had been dozing off on the couch downstairs next to Elliot – how and when had she gotten to her bed? Was it possible that the medications the doctors had her taking were affecting her memory? If that were the case, Olivia knew this was one side effect she just wouldn't tolerate.
Before the panic could rise up and consume her entirely, the fog cleared and coherent memory prevailed. With a sigh of relief, Olivia remembered Elliot obtaining consent before carrying her up the stairs and assisting her with her nightly rituals. While it would have been so easy for him to just cover her with a blanket and let her sleep on the couch, he'd gone out of his way to ensure she had the safety and security that only the closed door of her bedroom here at the cottage could provide. Olivia felt her heart swell with gratitude for the man who had gone above and beyond to take care of her since coming back into her life. In an equal and polarizing wave, there was also a great sense of guilt for the fact that she was yet unable to open up to him fully, even though she knew he'd never fault her for that.
Tamping down the emotions competing for attention within her, Olivia pulled herself to a sitting position and swung her legs over the edge of the mattress. A glance at the clock on the bedside table told her that she needed to get ready now if she still wanted to try and get in a walk this morning before her outpatient group sessions. Plus, while she no longer needed the reminder, Elliot would no doubt be encouraging her to eat breakfast, too. What once were simple routine tasks she used to take for granted were now more like hurdles that had to be tackled on a daily basis.
Deeming the leggings and oversized tee she currently wore as suitable enough for now, Olivia decided to hold off on her shower until after she'd returned from her walk. It was a common practice for her lately, to use the time Elliot was taking to prepare the morning meal to get ready for the day. After using the bathroom and taking just enough time to pull her hair back into a ponytail, she headed downstairs, allowing the aroma of brewing coffee to lead her in the direction of the kitchen. As soon as she set foot on the ground floor, Elliot noticed her presence instantly from his position at the table.
"Morning, Liv."
Elliot's affect was completely normal this morning, as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened the night before. He was behaving as though she hadn't been so exhausted that he'd needed to carry her to bed like one of his children. Not that Olivia ever thought he would treat her any different, after all, this man had learned about the worst possible nightmare of her life – both of them – and still treated her like she was the same woman he'd always known. What she did refuse to do was acknowledge there was anything beyond a gesture of kindness that had prompted him to take the initiatives he had. At one point in her life, Olivia might have said that was what a man would do for a woman that he loved. At one point, back in the days when their partnership was everything to her, Olivia might have acknowledged that she and Elliot had felt love for each other. Heaven knows they had both been accused of it enough over the years by the wagging tongues of the gossip mill. And truth be told, Elliot would always take up a space in her heart that could belong to no other. But, Olivia knew she would never be his. She'd never been worthy of love before, and definitely wasn't worthy of it now. Who would want damaged goods?
"Liv? Everything okay?"
Olivia was pulled away from her troubled thoughts by the sound of Elliot's voice, and forced herself to remain impassive. While she knew she'd never be able to fully dissuade his concern, the last thing she wanted was to start her day under the microscope. It was going to be bad enough later on, when all eyes would be on her during the group session, waiting to see how she would participate.
"I'm good, Elliot. Guess I'm just not as awake as I originally thought. That one cup of coffee is definitely going to be needed today."
Wearing a thoughtful expression, Elliot scratched his chin. He wondered whether or not he should suggest the idea that had come to mind. Figuring it couldn't hurt, and that Olivia would appreciate the feedback, he decided to speak up.
"I know that your drinking caffeine isn't an issue with the nutritionist, so maybe the next time you have an appointment with Lydia, you can ask if adding more to your diet on occasion would be a problem."
Olivia was about to respond when Elliot continued.
"Or, we could see about making your morning coffee a hybrid mix, and make a half regular, half decaf blend."
Unable to bite back her smile at the memory that came to mind, Olivia was finally able to answer.
"Elliot, you hate decaf coffee. You always complained how awful it was whenever you were given it by mistake."
"That may be so, Liv, but don't you know by now that I'd do anything for you? We're partners. I'd drink decaf for you if you asked me to – I think that's worth more than taking a bullet."
Though Elliot hadn't intended for his words to bring up unpleasant memories, they nonetheless had that effect. Olivia's smile evaporated as her face fell and her shoulders drooped. Her entire body language read as defeated as she fought back the tears that had sprung into her eyes.
"But, we're not partners. Not anymore."
It wasn't lost on either person in that kitchen what had gone unsaid, they both knew what Olivia had been thinking – that they were no longer partners because Elliot had left. No matter how often they had talked about his reasons, the issue still remained the proverbial elephant in the room, a deep hurt ingrained on both of their souls. But, Olivia was mistaken on one account, and Elliot wasn't going to allow her to fall into the trap of lies her mind was trying to feed her. Getting to his feet, he crossed the kitchen to where she stood, carefully taking her hands into his own.
"That's where you're wrong, Liv. Yes, I may have walked away, and I will regret that choice for the rest of my life. But, no matter what happens, you will always be my partner."
Olivia exhaled a shaky breath, still on the verge of tears, but making no attempts to extract her hands from Elliot's gentle hold. Another memory danced in the recesses of her mind, and as it replayed itself, she found herself whispering the words under her breath.
"For better or worse."
Momentarily confused, Elliot cocked his head as he tried to figure out what Olivia was trying to tell him. The phrase was a familiar one, a common marriage vow, but his heart constricted as he, too, remembered a time when he had spoken the promise to her. It had been early on in their time together, only a little more than a year after they had been paired up. The recollection now was a painful one, because it was yet another reminder that he'd broken his word. When Olivia had been at her worst, he'd been nowhere to be found. Granted, it wasn't all by his own choice, but the guilt still coursed within him as strong as ever. His remorse, however, was the last thing Olivia needed to deal with right now.
Echoing the sentiment she'd just uttered, Elliot leaned forward, brushing his lips against the lone remaining trace from Olivia's fall more than a week prior. She had an appointment today following her group sessions to have those five stitches removed, and by all appearances, the cut had healed beautifully.
"I'm sorry, Liv. You have to believe that I never meant to upset you."
"I know."
Squeezing her hands once more, Elliot released them and took a step back. Clearing his throat, he decided a subject change was in order.
"I know how much you were hoping for a walk this morning, but I'm afraid that's going to have to wait until later. It's raining pretty hard right now, plus we still need to eat something before we leave. Do you have any suggestions on what to have breakfast, or did you want me to pick?"
"You can choose. Truth be told, I'm not really in the mood to eat, but I know I need to. While you're cooking, I'm going to run upstairs and grab a shower so I can get ready for the day."
With a nod, Elliot accepted Olivia's words. He wasn't going to argue, or even try and encourage her, because he knew she'd already taken a big step by admitting to herself that food was a necessity. Instead, he headed back to the kitchen to try and find something that would not only be a nutritious meal, but hopefully one that would bring a smile to his friend's face.
Half an hour later, a fresh faced Olivia was coming back down the stairs. Her hair was still slightly damp from her shower, but she just hadn't seen the point in using the blow dryer today, not when the rain was still coming down so heavily. As it was, it would take a miracle to get to where she was going without getting drenched in the downpour.
As she walked toward the kitchen for the second time that day, Olivia's eyes scanned the room, easily finding Elliot standing by the stove. Not that she was even trying, but she knew there was no way she'd ever be able to sneak up on the man, as he'd turned almost immediately at the sound of her footsteps. Greeting her with a smile, he nodded in the direction of the table, indicating that she should sit.
"Perfect timing, Liv. Breakfast is ready. I'll bring it over in a minute."
A bit more rejuvenated after her shower, Olivia was in the mood to protest – or at least bargain.
"Tell you what. How about you finish putting the food on plates, and I'll pour the coffee? Then I will meet you at the table?"
"Sounds like a plan."
The pair went about their individual tasks, and less than a minute later, were seated at the table. Much to Olivia's relief, the first thing she noticed was that Elliot had heeded her earlier words about not having much of an appetite. Adorning her plate was a scoop of scrambled eggs mixed with shredded cheddar cheese, some cubes of cantaloupe, and a piece of buttered toast. Seeing the small portion – not that she had ever doubted Elliot's ability to listen to her in regard to food – put Olivia at ease almost instantly, and the uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach relaxed just a small amount. The other part of it she still had no control over, as that was due to anxiety about her intensive therapy sessions, but she just had to hope that with time, that would dissipate, too.
Without being consciously aware she was doing so, Olivia picked up her fork and began to eat. It was no secret to Elliot that his dining companion was more distracted than usual, and he wisely kept silent, not even attempting to make small talk. If he had to hazard a guess, Elliot could imagine some of what was troubling the brunette who sat across from him. Not just the several hours of groups she would have to endure, but what awaited her after. For all her beauty, his former partner had never once struck him as a vain woman, so Elliot knew that Olivia wasn't worried about the removal of the stitches resulting in any scarring. Rather, it was how she would cope with the elimination of the last tangible reminder of her most recent health crisis.
Although they'd talked a few times about what had happened that fateful morning he and Owen had found Olivia unconscious here at the cottage, her own recollections of that day were only the briefest snippets of memory. In one way, Elliot viewed the mental blank as a relief of sorts, as the images burned indelibly into his own brain were cruel and unforgiving. The last thing he wanted was for Olivia to remember the sheer terror he'd witnessed her feel in the emergency room of the hospital, or for her to relive what she'd perceived as the ultimate betrayal when she'd learned she'd been admitted against her will.
"Elliot? Are you okay?"
Confused, Elliot glanced across the table, where Olivia was watching him with a curious expression on her face. He'd not intended to get so lost in thought, but that was precisely what he had done.
"I'm fine."
With a grin, Olivia reached for the mug in front of her and drained the last of her coffee. As she debated whether or not to speak the words on the tip of her tongue, she ultimately decided to just go for it. After all, with the way she was feeling right now, she could use a little bit of levity.
"Isn't that supposed to be my line?"
Olivia's mirth was contagious. Shaking his head, Elliot couldn't resist smiling back at her as he was helpless to do anything else but agree.
"You make a good point there, Liv."
"I know I do. So, what's on your mind, then?"
Exhaling a breath, Elliot wondered how he should phrase things. He knew he couldn't tell Olivia exactly what he'd been thinking about, because he'd never want to burden her with his anxieties – especially not right now. Instead, he came up with a solution that would not only seem plausible, but suddenly seemed like a genius idea.
"I was just thinking that maybe we could go out for dinner somewhere in town after your appointment later. You know, to celebrate the fact that your stitches are out."
Olivia's face softened, a sure sign that she was touched by the suggestion. But there was something else in her expression that told Elliot that she wouldn't be saying yes – at least, not yet.
"It's not that I don't love the thought, Elliot. I just still get so anxious being in public for long periods of time. However, I won't say no to getting some takeout and bringing it back here. Maybe we can have another movie night?"
Raising his almost empty juice glass in a silent toast, Elliot nodded his head in agreement.
"That sounds perfect."
Clinking her glass with Elliot's, Olivia couldn't help the sigh of relief that slipped through her lips. Realistically, she'd known her former partner wouldn't get angry with her for not wanting to go out, but it still weighed heavily on her that she was so hesitant about things. The last thing she wanted was to be viewed as a disappointment. Pushing those thoughts to the wayside for the time being, Olivia rose from her chair and began collecting the empty plates. She'd have just enough time to clean up before they would have to leave for the day.
Time was dragging by impossibly slow, the second hand on the clock on the wall barely moving at all. At least, that's how it seemed to Olivia, who had her eyes glued to the timepiece as she counted down the minutes until the current session she was sitting through would be over. As much as she was trying to give this intensive therapy the benefit of the doubt, being here was pure agony, and triggered more anxiety than her typical day to day activities ever did. It wasn't that she didn't have empathy for those who attended with her, but the SVU sergeant in her just couldn't seem to process anything beyond her own trauma. Each time she heard another person's tale of survival, Olivia couldn't help but imagine herself in their shoes, and Lewis's twisted expression swam in front of her eyes once more, making his assault on her never-ending.
Olivia also recognized that it probably didn't reflect well on her cooperation with treatment that she had yet to participate in any of the sessions, either. Even though this was technically only the second day of intensive therapy, the only occasion she'd ever spoken aloud had been to give her name. The rest of the time it had been a struggle to just remain in the moment and not let her mind help her escape elsewhere.
If Olivia had her way, she'd prefer to be anywhere but where she currently was. While at first the prospect of coming here to Cape May had seemed like a prison sentence, now the city and the cottage in which she had taken up residence had become more of a refuge than anything else. Initially, Olivia had been angry at the sabbatical that had been all but forced upon her, but now she viewed the extended time off a blessing in disguise. In light of recent events, she was able to look at herself through another lens, and had finally realized that she was in no condition to take care of herself, let alone others. The last thing she needed right now was to be on the streets with a badge and a gun. She may have always upheld the law at all costs, but Olivia feared in her present state of mind, she would be more tempted to take justice into her own hands, and she would never want to tarnish her reputation by becoming a vigilante. Better to be remembered for the good cop she was than to go rogue now and take the department down with her.
"Olivia?"
Startled out of her wandering and self deprecating thoughts, Olivia turned her head toward the leader of the group. It was then that she realized that everyone else in the room had already left, the first session already over for the day. Now, it was time for a break before the next one would begin. Though she had every intention of making her escape before she could be questioned further, Olivia wasn't that fortunate. Georgia had crossed the room, and while the other woman was still maintaining a respectful distance, it was obvious that she had more to say.
"I couldn't help but notice that you really weren't present with us today. I didn't want to say anything in front of the others, but just know that if there is ever something you need to talk about, you can always reach out to me privately either before or after group, okay?"
Having anticipated a lecture over her lack of participation, Olivia was taken aback by the gesture. Fumbling over her words, she managed to nod her head in acknowledgment before making her way out into the hall and down to the common room. Food was still an obstacle to be tackled on the best of days, but compared to everything else she had to deal with, lunch was a welcome distraction. Just as she had on her first day, Olivia grabbed the bag that Elliot had packed for her and found a secluded table to sit by herself. She wasn't being anti-social on purpose, and knew if she thought about it long enough that the other people might think she was a stuck up bitch, but she couldn't worry about that right now. She'd been doing so well with her meals, she couldn't afford to backslide again.
In her quiet corner, Olivia set up her meal. It seemed that today Elliot had made her a chicken salad made with apples, grapes and pecans. Instead of mayonnaise, it was tossed with Greek yogurt. To accompany it, he'd also packed some whole wheat crackers, baby carrots with dip, and one of the pineapple angel food cupcakes that Owen had brought the other night. Even though it had only been mere hours since she'd seen him last, Olivia found herself needing to hear her former partner's voice. Since there was no one around her within earshot, she didn't hesitate to dial his number.
"Liv? Is everything okay?"
Olivia felt a mix of emotions when Elliot answered. Though she could tell he'd made every effort to conceal it, there was no hiding the obvious concern in his tone. Memories of their years together on the job played in the back of her mind, taking precedence over the feeling of guilt that threatened to dominate. Then there was that small, nagging part of her brain that was trying to convince her she was being a nuisance, and despite it's persistence, Olivia was determined not to listen. Elliot had told her she could always call, and now that she knew he would once again answer without hesitation after so many years of radio silence, she wasn't going to deny herself the contact.
"Elliot, I'm okay. I was just calling on my lunch break. I didn't feel like eating alone, and was wondering if you felt like keeping me company?"
"I'd love to."
As quickly as he'd agreed, Elliot had also been able to intuit Olivia's anxiety, and hadn't asked her anything about her day. Instead, he kept the conversation going on his own. First, he informed Olivia that according to the tracking log that he'd recently checked, the patio furniture that they'd ordered was scheduled to arrive the following day. Because they'd paid the expedited fees for shipping, the grill and fire pit were expected before the close of the business day as well. Already prepared, Elliot had bought a tank of propane on his way back from dropping Olivia off this morning, and had an order scheduled for grocery pickup that afternoon on their way back to the cottage. He was already planning on grilling out the following night, and despite the fact that she was currently in the process of eating her lunch, Olivia could practically feel her stomach growl in anticipation.
"How is your lunch going today, Liv?"
Elliot had taken a breather from his near-constant stream of talking to check in on her, and Olivia appreciated the break. Not that he was overwhelming her in any way – if anything, it was quite the opposite. His voice had a soothing quality to it, and eased her heightened anxiety. Despite all that, she was still surprised when she looked down to find that, with the exception of her dessert, all of her food had disappeared.
"It's going. Actually, it's almost gone."
When Elliot spoke next, Olivia could practically hear the smile in his voice. He was using the same smug tone she'd been familiar with for so long, like she already knew the answer, but it brought back so much that she couldn't really get mad at him for it.
"I take it this means you liked the chicken salad?"
"Don't act like you didn't know I would, you ass."
A noise came through the receiver then, somewhere between a groan and a sigh. Olivia could see him in her mind's eye – he had his eyes closed, one hand holding the phone to his ear, the other pressed up against his heart. His head was likely tossed back in dramatic fashion, and sure enough, the words that follow match her prediction exactly.
"You wound me."
"I'll do more than that if there isn't more of this chicken salad for lunch tomorrow, Stabler."
"Noted."
Feeling lighter than she had all day, and knowing that she only had a few precious minutes of her break remaining, Olivia reluctantly put an end to the call. In addition to finishing the last few bites of her cupcake, she also needed to clean up her space and use the restroom before heading to the her next group, and she didn't want to be rushed. The best part of all of it is, she didn't need to explain herself at all, because Elliot simply understood. Things may have been awkward between them at the start when he'd first returned, but they were gradually finding their way back to one another, to that unspoken language they had used for so long. In a world where everything else seemed so foreign, it was comforting to have something familiar to rely on.
Despite her best efforts, Olivia wasn't able to concentrate much during the afternoon sessions, either. She had hoped after having lunch to serve as a distraction, she would have been more focused, but that just wasn't the case. Trying to convince herself that her lack of attention had been due to nerves because of her impending appointment, and not an unwillingness to participate, Olivia checked the clock on her phone for the third time as she waited not-so-patiently for Elliot to meet her. She knew he wouldn't have forgotten, and it wasn't even like he was late – if anything, she was early, having raced out to the front of the building as soon as the counselor leading the last group of the day had excused them.
Just as she was about to check her phone for a fourth time, Olivia heard a familiar voice call her name. Pivoting at the waist, she turned to see Elliot walking in her direction. As he got closer, he reached out to wrap one arm around her shoulders and pulled her toward his body. The gesture couldn't technically be called a hug, but for those few precious seconds, Olivia had felt so secure being next to the man who she had always counted on to keep her safe. It was just the reassurance she needed to quell the anxiety that was making her want to back out of this doctor's visit altogether.
"Are you ready for this, Liv? From my own experience with them, I know those stitches have to be driving you crazy by now. They always used to itch something terrible after so many days."
Elliot's comment brought back memories of another time in their lives, occasions when it had been Olivia who accompanied him on various visits to the hospital. While she may not have necessarily always been present for the aftercare, she had certainly witnessed him receive more than his fair share of stitches over their years together. Despite the myriad of emotions coursing through her, Olivia had to smile. Whether it had been his intention or not, Elliot had succeeded in lightening her mood.
"You would know. You saw the emergency room so often, you were practically on a first name basis with most of the staff."
Even though the comeback had been entirely a jab at his expense, Elliot couldn't resist laughing. He loved seeing Olivia like this, and if it meant her picking on him relentlessly would get her to smile, then he'd take whatever she could dish out. But, that didn't mean he wouldn't at least try and defend himself.
"Not all of that was my fault, you know. A good portion of those times, Dana was to blame. I always said she was a jinx. Speaking of Dana, what is she up to these days? Have you heard from her lately?"
At the mention of their former friend – or as Elliot jokingly referred to her, a nemesis – Olivia stumbled slightly. That was just one of the many things that she had yet to inform him about on what had occurred in his absence. Not wanting to get into the details now, because it would be such a heavy conversation, she opted to keep the explanation simple.
"Funny you should mention her, I've been meaning to tell you about that. Actually, Dana was arrested and convicted last year on charges of murder. SVU investigated the case. If you can help me get through these next thirty minutes, I'll answer any questions you have later tonight, okay?"
Even though he knew she was a woman on a mission – determined to get to that doctor's office and get those stitches removed – Elliot rested a gentle hand on Olivia's shoulder to halt her steps. Carefully, he turned her until they were facing one another, then with one finger crooked under her chin, he tilted her face upward until he was looking directly into her eyes.
"Olivia. This isn't a matter of owing. Me getting you through this appointment isn't conditional on you telling me about whatever happened with Dana. I'm here for you no matter what, I promise."
Olivia didn't respond, but it was easy for Elliot to see the way her shoulders visibly relaxed at his words. Behind her troubled chocolate irises, he could practically see the wheels in her mind turning – Olivia was torn somewhere between gratitude and wanting to admonish herself for what she likely perceived as being too needy. Not wanting her to stress herself unnecessarily, Elliot simply changed the subject.
"Come on Liv, what do you say? How about we go get those stitches out, then I'll buy you some dinner on the way home? Any take out you want."
With a relieved smile, Olivia nodded, and to Elliot's surprise, she even accepted his offered hand, linking their fingers. Together, they walked into the medical office building and found the office of the plastic surgeon who had sutured the cut above Olivia's brow when she had first been brought to the hospital. Thankfully, the process of removing the stitches would be a much easier one than putting them in had been, although admittedly Olivia's recollections of that day in the emergency room were still spotty at best. She didn't remember having had the sutures put in, though as far as she was aware, she had only been given the one mild sedative from Dr. Barnes that had been agreed upon. Maybe she could ask Elliot about it once they got back to the cottage.
The one thing Olivia hadn't been anticipating was an overly crowded waiting room. When she and Elliot walked through the door of the doctor's office, it was an overwhelming sight to see that there were no available places to sit, the small space filled with people. Without even realizing she was doing it, Olivia clutched Elliot's hand even tighter, a small noise escaping from the back of her throat. It had been audible only to the man standing next to her, and Elliot quickly took action. Keeping Olivia's fingers linked with his own, he led her over to the reception window, where thankfully the woman at the desk opened the glass panel almost immediately.
"Can I help you?"
"Yes. Olivia Benson is here for her appointment to have the sutures above her eyebrow removed."
Elliot waited while the receptionist made note of the reason for their visit and checked Olivia in, then leaned forward ever so slightly. Even though he doubted anyone was eavesdropping, he wanted to be sure his voice wouldn't carry.
"I don't want to be a nuisance, but is it possible there is somewhere quieter we could wait until it is time for her to be seen? I believe there is a notification in her chart that Olivia is a recovering from a trauma, and being in this crowded room could be triggering for her."
"Of course, sir. I could arrange for the two of you to sit in the overflow waiting room designated for our outpatient surgery patients. It's on the small side, but you would both be more comfortable there."
Elliot felt a pulsing sensation on his hand, a reflexive squeeze of the fingers that were clinging so tightly to his own, and knew that Olivia was wordlessly providing her assent.
"Thank you, we would really appreciate that."
Coming around the desk, the receptionist opened the door to the waiting room and escorted both Olivia and Elliot back into the rear part of the practice. After walking down a hallway past some exam rooms, they came to another waiting room. As promised, this second space was much more intimate and quiet than the previous one had been, and Elliot could sense as Olivia immediately exhaled the breath she had been holding.
When she'd first woken up that morning, and all day while preparing for this visit, Olivia had had every intention of going into that exam room on her own. After everything that she had been through, she was more than determined to try and reclaim some small semblance of her pride, even if it just meant sitting super still while some stitches were removed. In Olivia's mind, she had been depending on Elliot far too much lately, and needed to take things back into her own hands. This would be a small step in the right direction.
All those well thought out plans had flown completely out the window when a dark haired man in his thirties stepped into the space where she and Elliot had been sitting and called her name. Olivia had turned her head in his direction, the clanking of the metal instruments in the suture removal kit in his hands capturing her attention and elevating her heart rate. But it was when he had introduced himself as Louis that the full blown panic attack began to take hold.
A foreign-sounding, strangled scream filled the room, and the walls were beginning to close in all too rapidly for Olivia's liking. She had scrambled as far away from the stranger as she could possibly get – only he wasn't a stranger anymore. His face has warped and morphed in front of her, twisting grotesquely until it had taken on the exact shape of the one that haunted her every night while she slept. For all intents and purposes, William Lewis was standing in front of her once more, and Olivia wasn't sure if she could survive facing off with the beast yet again. In fact, she was more convinced than ever that she would rather go blind than stare into those demented eyes, be deaf than hear that sadistic voice. All Olivia had heard since that day in the granary – since the day she'd been found at the beach house, even – was that she was brave, a survivor. But it wasn't true, it couldn't be. Because why else would she feel in this heart-stopping moment of sheer terror that death was a much more preferable option than ever fighting that monster again?
Watching Olivia unravel, Elliot felt the same sense of helplessness he always did. However, what had seemed like an eternity had only been the span of a few precious seconds. Snapping into action, he didn't hesitate to come to the defense of the woman who once would have taken a bullet to protect him – and probably still would.
"Get out of here."
At his full height, Elliot Stabler never failed to come across as an imposing presence. It came in handy when dealing with the scum of the earth as he had so often done when on the job. This time, it had the unintended effect of scaring the shit out of a helpless medical assistant, who was probably already frightened after witnessing Olivia break down at the mere announcement of his name. Though Elliot knew he probably should be more empathetic toward the man who hurried away without so much as a backward glance, he didn't have the time or the energy to spare. He was experiencing a case of tunnel vision at the moment, and all he could see or hear was Olivia. She was all that mattered.
"Liv. Liv. Olivia."
Struggling to keep his voice at a soothing cadence, Elliot called to the panic-stricken woman repeatedly. Of all the flashbacks he'd witnessed Olivia battle since the night he showed up here in Cape May, he'd never seen one this severe. Knowing the root of the cause didn't help any, nor would it bring her any comfort in the here and now. What she needed in the immediate minutes that followed was to know that she was safe. Elliot hoped his presence would be enough to reassure her until they could reach the safety of the cottage, because the last thing he wanted was for the staff here at the doctor's office – or even the hospital – to sedate Olivia in an attempt to calm her.
The sound of approaching footsteps made Elliot tense, and he instinctively positioned his body so that he was standing between the doorway and where Olivia was. Her legs had only recently given out on her, causing the brunette to sink slowly to the carpet. Currently, Olivia was seated on the floor, her knees drawn up to her chest. Her hands were placed over her ears and her eyes were screwed tightly shut. In an subconscious attempt to self soothe, she was rocking back and forth; a low, keening sound emanating from her throat.
When the next person Elliot saw was only the receptionist who had been so helpful to them earlier, he allowed himself to relax a little. Though he knew no one in this office harbored any ill will, he knew for certain that this woman would not harm Olivia, or attempt to sedate her.
"Our med tech informed me that Ms. Benson was having some difficulty. Is there anything I can do to help?"
Elliot was about to decline, and merely ask for privacy, when he was struck by a wave of inspiration. The idea was a reach, that was for certain, but still within the realm of possibility.
"Does this facility have the capabilities for inter-office pages, like the hospital? Or, at the very least, can you contact another doctor in the building and ask them to come here?"
"Of course. Who do you need me to call?"
Pulling one of the two copies of the business card Dr. Lydia Hamil had given him out of his wallet, Elliot passed it to the receptionist. If he were thinking logically, he would have realized that the woman could have easily looked up the number herself, but his mind was focused elsewhere at the moment.
"Tell her the patient is Sergeant Olivia Benson."
"Of course. I'll try and get Dr. Hamil here as soon as possible. Our scheduled surgeries are all done for the day, so no one will disturb you. You are welcome to stay here as a long as you need. Can I bring you anything else, some water perhaps?"
"Some water would be great, thank you."
The receptionist left as quietly as she had entered, only to return a few minutes later. She was bearing a bottle of water and the news that she had successfully contacted the office of Dr. Hamil, and that the psychiatrist was on her way.
While he waited, Elliot took a spot on the floor next to Olivia. He was sitting close enough to her that she could sense his presence and easily reach out if she so chose, but also far enough away that she wouldn't feel crowded. By now, the rocking motion had stopped and Olivia's hands had dropped from her ears to wrap around her knees. Her breathing was still ragged, and tears were coursing down her flushed cheeks, but other than that she was silent.
A few more minutes passed, and then the sound of footsteps could be heard echoing in the hall once more. This time, Olivia acknowledged their presence, her head snapping in Elliot's direction. There was no mistaking the panic in her eyes, and the sight of it shattered his heart. He was about to say something when a soft knock on the door frame interrupted him. The noise was followed by the lilting English accent that belonged to Dr. Lydia Hamil.
"Olivia? It's Dr. Hamil. I understand you're having a difficult time right now. If it's okay with you, I'd like to come in and talk to you, but I don't want to do that without your permission."
Just as she had when they'd first arrived to this office more than an hour previously – a time that seemed almost a lifetime ago – Olivia nodded her assent to Elliot. In turn, he called out for Dr. Hamil to enter. The psychiatrist stepped into the room, keeping a respectful distance from the two people sitting against the opposite wall. Though he knew they needed to address what had happened, Elliot's primary concern was still taking care of Olivia, so he uncapped the water bottle and carefully offered her a drink. To his relief, Olivia accepted it with both hands and took a sip. He had been worried that if he'd had to help her with the act of drinking, it would only traumatize her more by triggering additional memories of what had happened during her ordeal with William Lewis.
"I'm sorry."
Those were the first two words that Olivia had been able to speak in more than twenty minutes, and it broke Elliot's heart that they contained an apology. Knowing Olivia as well as he did, he could see the shame etched in her expression, and knew just how badly she wanted to run in that moment. Even though he didn't know just yet what was going to happen next, he made a promise to himself that he would keep a careful eye on her for the rest of the night once they got back to the cottage. But as much as he wanted to answer, it was Dr. Hamil who beat him to it.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Olivia. I'm just glad that I was close by so I could come and help. Do you think you can tell me what happened, or would you rather have Elliot explain?"
Olivia sat quietly for a few seconds, ruminating over the question she had just been asked. She took another careful sip of her water, and the one thing Elliot noticed was the shaking in her hands wasn't as prominent as it had been. He took that as a positive sign. His eyes traveled back up to her face, and their gaze met. When he read her expression, he knew immediately what it was she wanted to do, and he gave her an encouraging nod. She wanted to tell her story. Once again, he was so damned proud of her.
Setting the water bottle down beside her, Olivia reached for Elliot's hand. She may have been determined to do this on her own, but that didn't mean she wasn't terrified to do it. What she hadn't anticipated, however, was how hard it would be to find her voice after such an overwhelming flashback.
"N-no. I – I want to talk about it. I just don't know how to start."
Sensing that her patient was somewhat calm, Dr. Hamil moved a bit more into the room, taking a seat on one of the chairs. She still kept space between them, but maintained eye contact.
"Why don't we start with something simple, then? Such as why you were here in this office? You were scheduled to have your stitches removed today, correct?"
"That's right."
Dr. Hamil smiled then, and Olivia felt herself relax a bit more. Though it didn't erase the sheer terror she had felt, it was easier to look at the scope of things from a bigger picture and build up to it, than to focus solely on what had upset her so terribly.
"I bet you must have had this day marked on your calendar for some time. I don't know about you, but I've only ever had stitches once, and while they didn't hurt, they itched like crazy as they healed."
"That's what Elliot said, too. I have had stitches before, but I suppose I just didn't remember that part."
Nodding, Lydia waited patiently for Olivia to continue.
"I think it's safe to say I was anxious all day. Things only got worse when we walked into the office and I saw how crowded it was. I didn't know if I'd be able to handle it, and part of me was ready to walk out then and there."
Though she hadn't been speaking at a loud volume, Olivia's voice dropped to an even quieter level, making it almost impossible to hear her.
"I almost wish now that I had."
Sensing she needed him to take over for at least a minute while she composed herself, Elliot interjected his own take on things.
"I could tell Liv was anxious, so I spoke quietly to the receptionist, explained the situation. She was kind enough to let us wait back here, in the outpatient surgery waiting room. It was a much calmer space than out front."
"Okay. What happened next, Olivia?"
"Louis."
Confused, and thinking perhaps that Olivia had regressed slightly, and was still somewhat locked within the mire of her flashback trauma, Lydia looked to Elliot for confirmation.
"The technician who came to take Olivia back to an exam room introduced himself as Louis. It didn't help any that he was carrying a package of sterilized equipment to remove the sutures. As he played with it in his hands, it sounded like keys jangling together."
Recognition dawning, all the dots connected for the psychiatrist. Either one of those of things on their own could have easily resulted in a panic attack or worse for Olivia, but all of them combined must have been like reliving that waking nightmare all over again. Even though the woman had calmed remarkably since she'd arrived on scene, Lydia could tell that Olivia was still considerably on edge.
"Olivia, I'm sorry that you had to deal with this experience today. If I had known that someone with that name worked in this office, I would have had them make a note in your chart to prevent something like this from happening."
"It's not your fault."
Olivia's response was somewhat robotic sounding, but that didn't make Lydia doubt her sincerity any. No, in the short time since she had met the decorated police Sergeant, Dr. Hamil knew that if Olivia was blaming anyone, it was only herself.
"It's not your fault, either. I'd ask you to tell me that you know that, but I'm guessing that you already do, even if you're not willing to admit it to yourself just yet."
"It's what I've always told survivors. Telling myself is another matter entirely."
After getting permission to come closer, Dr. Hamil stepped forward until she was standing in front of both Olivia and Elliot. Reaching a hand out to the brunette, she spoke gently.
"That will come in time, I promise."
Accepting the offered hand, and with Elliot's assistance, Olivia got to her feet. She allowed the people on either side of her to guide her to a chair where she gratefully took a seat. The after effects of her panic attack were rapidly setting in, and fatigue was hitting her hard. All she wanted to do was sleep. But there was another pressing matter at hand – and that was getting these damn stitches out of her head. Olivia didn't want to have to go through all of this for a second time.
"Do you think I can still get the stitches out today? If there is someone other than L – other than him to remove them?"
Try as she might, Olivia just couldn't bring herself to say that dreaded name. She wasn't about to trigger another flashback by forcing it, either.
While Olivia had looked to Elliot for the answers, it was Dr. Hamil who responded.
"I'll make sure that they do. Speaking of which, that leads me to a question I have for you. I know you typically prefer to manage without, but would you like me to administer a low dose of lorazepam to help you get through this process?"
Olivia's first instinct was to say no, she did not want a tranquilizer of any kind. That was something she had been adamant about since the very beginning, save for those few occasions when she had been sedated against her will. But this was another matter entirely, and she honestly didn't know if her system could handle another panic attack like the one she had already experienced. Plus, it wasn't as though she would be alone, Elliot was right by her side, and she knew she could trust him to make sure she was safe.
"I don't want to fall asleep."
"Of course not. If you prefer, I can give you tablet, but that will take longer to work. If I administer an intramuscular injection, you will feel the effects much more quickly, and can get home a lot sooner."
Olivia looked to Elliot, whether if it was for his approval or his support, she wasn't sure which. When he nodded his head, and reached for her hand, she gave a resigned sigh.
"Okay. I'll go with the injection – but only the lowest possible dose."
Much to Olivia's relief, the injection of lorazepam had worked just as Dr. Hamil had promised. Within mere minutes after the needle had pierced the flesh of her upper arm, she had begun to feel much calmer than she had been, but still remained lucid and alert. It also helped that she didn't even have to ask Elliot not to leave her side, and he accompanied her into the exam room where the sutures had been removed – this time by a female medical technician. Before Olivia was able to fully process everything that had happened, they were free to head on their way home.
After stopping only long enough to pick up some takeout, Elliot turned the vehicle in the direction of the cottage. Olivia dozed lightly beside him in the passenger seat, the events of the afternoon having taken their toll on her. Truth be told, Elliot had been surprised that she had still agreed on getting something for dinner, although he knew that consenting to stop for food and actually eating it would be two different battles. One thing was for certain, after the day Olivia had had, he wasn't going to force her to eat a full meal tonight. Instead, he'd let her work at her own pace with whatever she was comfortable with. He'd just make certain she got back on her usual schedule again tomorrow.
The motion of the SUV they were riding in coming to a rest and the engine being silenced was enough to rouse Olivia from her fitful slumber. In truth, she'd never completely fallen asleep, merely fading in and out of consciousness throughout the entirety of the ride. Although a part of her wanted to be angry and blame her drowsiness on the lorazepam that she'd been given, Olivia knew the mild sedative wasn't solely at fault. While it may have contributed to a degree, the most likely cause of her extreme fatigue was the flashback she'd suffered while at the doctor's office, along with the resulting panic attack. In one aspect, Olivia was grateful for her brief nap, because she instinctively knew that her chances for a dreamless sleep tonight would not be so fortunate. More likely than not, she would be inundated with a plethora of horrors that would make her want to welcome insomnia with open arms.
Mindlessly, Olivia followed Elliot into the cottage. Even he could sense she was still operating on auto pilot right now, so the last thing he wanted to was put any additional pressure on her by suggesting that they eat. Instead, he carried their bag of food into the kitchen, and deposited it on the island bar before coming to stand by Olivia's side once more and took her hand in his own.
"I'm going to head upstairs and change into something comfortable Liv. I know you probably want a few minutes to yourself, too. What do you say we meet down here in a little bit, then maybe watch a movie or something?"
At first, Elliot wasn't certain if Olivia had heard him or not, but it was her subtle nod of acknowledgment that let him know that she had. Daring to press his luck, he asked her one more thing before promising himself he would leave her be for awhile.
"If you'd like, I can make you a cup of hot tea?"
Olivia blinked at him a few times in succession, her face void of any expression that would betray the emotions swirling within. Ultimately, she nodded a second time, consenting to the offered beverage. Elliot hated to leave her on her own for even a second, but he also knew the last thing that she wanted was for him to be hovering. With a gentle squeeze, he released her hand and crossed the room to head up the stairs. However, he was completely unaware of the fact that Olivia was far more coherent than he believed, merely trapped in a web of her own torment. No sooner than Elliot had ascended to the second level of the cottage, and once she'd heard the tell-tale sign of his bedroom door closing behind him, Olivia pivoted on her foot and walked back out of the cottage, completely silent in her escape. She didn't know where she was going, only that the thoughts in her head were too loud for her to remain where she was.
Elliot emerged from his bedroom, now wearing a pair of sweats and a tee shirt. As he looked across the landing, he observed that the door to Olivia's room was open, something that surprised him greatly. He'd thought for certain that she would lock herself away within those four walls for as long as possible, taking refuge in whatever sanctuary she could. Not that she would purposely avoid him, but what was supposed to have been a simple procedure had turned into a traumatic afternoon. Elliot wouldn't have blamed Olivia in the least if she'd needed to take some time on her own.
He hurried down the stairs then, feeling guilty that the cup of tea that he'd promised before hadn't been ready by the time Olivia had returned. It was when his feet hit the lower level that the nagging feeling in Elliot's gut churned once again – the same one he'd had earlier today when that tech had walked into the waiting room clanging the instruments about. He wouldn't quite call what he was feeling a premonition, but all those years on the force had served him well when it came to trusting his instincts. Something was wrong, and he wasn't about to wait around to find out what the problem was.
It was painfully obvious that Olivia was nowhere to be seen, and while on any other occasion Elliot would write it off as an explanation as simple as her being in the bathroom, he knew something far more serious was at play. Sure enough, a glance at the door where they had come in less than fifteen minutes earlier informed him that her shoes – and jacket – were missing. Cursing himself for not having noticed just how distressed Olivia had been, Elliot headed outside – only to find that the steady rain from that morning had returned with a vengeance. Thunder rumbled in the distance, lending an ominous sense of dread to the worry that was already coursing through his veins.
Hoping that he was right in his theory, Elliot turned in the direction of the beach, already wishing that he would have thought to bring a towel or a blanket with him. He immediately shrugged off that thought as quickly as it entered his brain, because as nice as it would be, it would do no good to have something to dry Olivia off with if she was only going to get soaked again on the walk back.
Knowing there was no time to waste, Elliot's pace was frantic. He was grateful that he'd not once neglected his fitness regimen since retiring from the force, and his legs were strong and steady as they carried him toward the place he was certain where Olivia was figuratively drowning in an ocean of her own trauma. He just prayed he would reach her in time and that the situation hadn't become literal.
Quickly crossing the last avenue and landing on the boards that led down to the beach, Elliot scanned the sand. His eyes easily picked out a familiar shape sitting near the shoreline, and he sighed with relief when he saw that Olivia hadn't waded into the stormy waters. The view was no less heartbreaking, however, this image of his former partner curled up as though she were trying to disappear into herself.
As much as he hated to intrude, Elliot also knew he couldn't leave Olivia alone like this. It was more than just this spring storm that was increasing in its intensity – he knew from his own experiences just how dark the paths were that the mind tried to lead you on sometimes. From what she had just dealt with recently, it was a fact that Olivia was no stranger to this, either, but Elliot knew she wasn't thinking logically right now.
The one good thing that could be said about the rain is that it made the sand easier for Elliot to run across. With better traction, he was able to reach Olivia's side a lot more quickly than he would have been otherwise. He was about to announce himself, afraid of startling her when the woman on the ground surged to her feet and turned on him suddenly. The fire raging in her eyes matched the lightening that flashed behind her. It appeared that the air around them wasn't the only place a storm was brewing. The emotions had been buried inside of Olivia for far too long, and now like a tempest, they were going to come erupting free.
The blowing wind made the rain sting slightly as the drops pelted against his face, but even that mild sensation hadn't prepared Elliot for the shock he felt when Olivia's open palm connected with his cheek. From the moment he'd first made eye contact with the brunette since walking up beside her, Elliot had instinctively realized she'd reached her breaking point. He was expecting her to unleash everything she was feeling – willing to accept her fury, even - but he'd never once anticipated that the attack would be a physical one.
As the sound of the harsh slap echoed between Olivia and Elliot, the two former partners faced off against one another, both of them wearing shocked expressions. It appeared that each of them had been transported back into their shared history, this time to another occasion when Olivia had hit him, only then it had been an effort to save his life, and not an expression of sheer rage and helplessness.
Shaking off the memory, knowing this was no time to dwell on the past, Elliot instinctively reached for Olivia. He called her name softly, his voice barely above a whisper, even though no one else was around them to hear.
"Olivia -"
While Elliot definitely hadn't been expecting immediate acquiescence and compliance from Olivia, he also hadn't anticipated another hit to the face, either. Or for the woman in front of him to ball both hands into fists and start pounding against the muscular wall of his chest, a combination of guttural sobs and obscenities emanating from her lips.
"Fuck you! Just, fuck you Elliot!"
Despite his reluctance to restrict her movement, Elliot was worried that Olivia was going to hurt herself. As carefully as he could, he wrapped his arms around her waist, still allowing her some freedom of motion with her arms so she wouldn't feel trapped. It didn't deter the brunette from raining down a series of punches against his chest, but Elliot welcomed the blows. If this is what it would took for Olivia to free herself from the demons that held her captive, he would gladly be her punching bag.
"Lay it on me, Liv. Lay it all on me, and don't hold anything back."
Though they had been intended more as an encouragement than a permission, somehow Elliot's words breached Olivia's tormented psyche, causing all of her well constructed walls to come crumbling down. With the floodgates opened, their was nothing left to contain the emotions that she had struggled for so long to keep buried within, and in that instant, they all came pouring free.
Elliot stood on the beach, his arms loosely wrapped around Olivia's waist. His intention wasn't to restrain her, only to support as she continued to beat against his chest with her fists and hurl one expletive after another his direction. The wind and rain continued to buffet against their bodies to a punishing degree, but that wasn't an immediate concern. All that mattered now was that Olivia had found an outlet for all the anger, sadness, and confusion that had tormented her for far too long. The catharsis this outburst would provide was more important than either of them getting drenched. Elliot knew that once Olivia was spent, he would have to refocus his attentions to getting her dry and warm, but for now all that mattered was getting her to set herself free, which is exactly what she was doing.
"Fuck you, Elliot!"
The same curse as before was repeated, tears now mingling with the rain and coursing unchecked down Olivia's cheeks. Her hair had long since become matted to her head from the strength of the downpour, but she didn't seem to notice her physical state at all. Instead, she was intent on yelling at the one person who had been waiting for a moment like this since the day he had reappeared into her life.
"You walked away! Did you think I wouldn't understand? Wouldn't back your play? Dammit, you were supposed to be my best friend and you just cut me out of your life, like I meant nothing!"
Elliot remained silent, knowing that right now, Olivia wasn't actively seeking a response. Some day – and soon – they would need to have another conversation about how he left and why, more than just the the explanation he had given her that day when they had shared lunch on this very beach not that long ago.
"What the hell happened to partners for life, huh? As much as it drove me nuts when you were so damn protective of me all the time, if you'd have just been there, this wouldn't have happened!"
She hadn't explicitly said that it was his fault, but she might as well have. As it was, Elliot didn't need Olivia making the accusation in order to carry the weight of blame on his shoulders. Guilt was a sensation he was more than familiar with, it had been such a constant presence in the pit of stomach for so long, he was convinced it had taken up permanent residence. Even so, to actually hear Olivia say the words – fueled by anger or not – was a pain like no other. Nothing could wound Elliot more deeply than seeing Olivia hurt. The only sensation that came close was when one of his children were involved.
Olivia stopped beating against his chest a few minutes earlier, clutching the sodden material of his tee shirt in her fists. When she spoke again, her voice was small and broken, and it tore Elliot's already shattered heart into even more pieces.
"Why am I always second choice? Why am I not worth fighting for?"
With an abrupt shove, Olivia pushed away from Elliot and pivoted on her heel, and he instinctively knew she was going to make an attempt to run. It was not as he feared, however, because even in her act of impulsivity, Olivia had turned away from the ocean rather than toward it. As much as he hated himself for doubting her, Elliot had been worried that she would have tried to wade into the stormy sea, despite all her previous promises to the contrary. But, it was obvious that Olivia was still not thinking rationally right now, so he couldn't even chance letting her take off on her own at all, regardless of the direction. Knowing it would be just another thing he would have to atone for, Elliot grasped Olivia by the wrist as gently as he knew how, tugging her back toward his body.
"Stay with me, Liv."
"Why? You didn't stay with me."
Wrapping his arms around her again, holding her to him in an almost desperate fashion, Elliot whispered fiercely in her ear. It didn't matter that there was no one around to hear him, the words were too sacred to be spoken out loud.
"And I will regret that for the rest of my life. But I'm here now. I'm here now, and I'm going to fight for you with everything I have. Fight with me, Liv. Let's beat this together."
With a choked sob, Olivia managed a nod before collapsing against him. She was fading fast, and Elliot saw the minute that her last reserves of energy left her completely, and he was ready in an instant. He scooped Olivia up in his arms before she could even hit the sand.
"I've got you, Liv."
There may have been a part of her that was still angry – and rightly so – but Olivia heard the familiar voice and relaxed instantly. After everything that had transpired this afternoon, there was no way she'd be able to make it back to the cottage under her own power. It was humiliating to have Elliot have to carry her, but she would just have to hope that no one would be around to notice.
Elliot made his way across the beach, and was halfway to the place where the short wooden boardwalk led down onto the sand from the street when he spotted Owen standing and keeping a watchful eye. He had no idea how long the neighbor had been there, but he did know he needed alert Olivia to the other man's presence. As much as he doubted her ability to walk on her own right now, Elliot knew that Olivia deserved that choice.
"Olivia? Owen's here. Did you want me to put you down?"
Shaking her head in an emphatic wordless refusal, Olivia twisted her neck until her face was buried against Elliot's chest, hiding her features from view. It wasn't that she didn't trust Owen, but right now her shame was so great, she didn't want to be seen by anyone, only to crawl within herself until she could disappear.
"Elliot, Olivia. I hope you don't mind, but I noticed you both running in this direction and got worried. I followed with my car, just in case the rain got worse and you'd need a ride back. I know it's not far, but I figured you'd both be tired."
There was no judgment in the veteran's voice, only understanding. Without another word, he ushered the pair to his vehicle, opening the passenger door for Elliot so he could get in, still keeping a solid hold of Olivia, who was clinging tightly to him. Rushing around to the drivers seat, he was in the car within seconds. Less than a minute later, Owen was pulling into the driveway of the cottage, and in a reverse process of what had happened only moments before, he was helping Elliot and Olivia into the cottage. Then, just as quickly as he'd seemed to appear, he was gone again, with a promise to check in tomorrow.
Once Owen had left, Elliot shifted Olivia carefully so that he could lock the door without having to set her back down on her feet. It hadn't escaped his notice that she had begun to shiver uncontrollably in his arms, and he knew he needed to get her out of her wet clothes and warmed up as soon as possible. He wasn't worried about himself at this point, or the water they were both dripping onto the floor. He could always clean that up later, once Olivia was taken of. First things first, he needed to make sure she was still with him.
"Liv, can you hear me?"
"Of course I can hear you. I've been in the rain and am freezing cold, but I'm not deaf."
Now there was the Olivia that Elliot knew so well.
"Do you want me to put you down, so you can go upstairs and get a shower?"
"As much as it pains me to admit it, there is no way I'm getting to the second floor of this house without your help. But how am I supposed to manage a shower, when I can't even take care of myself right now?"
For all her determination only moments before, Olivia was back to sounding completely defeated. Elliot couldn't blame her, she'd had one hell of a day – dealing with the group sessions alone were enough of an emotional drain; add in the exhaustion induced by the traumatizing flashback at the plastic surgeon's office and then what had just happened on the beach? It was enough to bring anyone to a standstill, and that included the most formidable woman Elliot had ever met. At the same time, he knew that it wasn't easy for Olivia to ask for help, so he would have to tread very carefully. It wasn't just her pride that would be on the line here, but Elliot would also be asking her for a level of trust that he wasn't sure he deserved.
"It doesn't have to be a shower, a bath would work just as well. That would be even better, you can soak in the hot water and let it warm you up. Let me help you upstairs, and then I'll get the heat turned up in this place so you don't catch a chill, okay?"
"Okay."
Elliot made his way to the second floor as quickly as he could. Had it been possible, he would have taken the stairs two at a time, but he didn't want to risk dropping Olivia in the process. He didn't waste any time, heading straight for the master bathroom, where he finally set Olivia on her feet, helping her to sit on the lid of the toilet seat.
"Is it alright with you if I start the water? Or would you prefer to do it? I don't want to make it too hot."
"You can do it."
For the second time in just a few minutes, the tone of Olivia's voice was not lost on Elliot, and it broke his heart to hear her sounding so unsure. As much as he hated to move away from her right now, he needed to get the water started running in the tub. Although she hadn't specifically requested it, Elliot added some of the lavender and chamomile foam that he had spied sitting on the ledge, hoping that the scent would help in calming Olivia somewhat.
Pivoting on his heel, Elliot turned around to face Olivia once more. The sight of her, still soaking wet from the rain, hair matted to her head, made her appear smaller than she actually was. She was purposely avoiding eye contact now, and Elliot could tell by the way Olivia was worrying her lower lip between her teeth that there was something she wanted to ask, but just couldn't bring herself to say the words out loud.
"The water is almost ready, Liv. Did you want me to grab something for you to change into?"
"Stay."
The single word request was barely a whisper, but Elliot heard it with little difficulty. He knew just hard it had been for Olivia to ask that of him, and there was no way he could deny her.
"I'm not going anywhere, Liv. Not unless you ask me to."
Although he hated to take initiative, because he feared overstepping, Elliot knew he would have to, as Olivia had frozen in place once again. So, he suggested what he thought would make her most comfortable.
"We're only trying to get you warm, so you don't need to undress completely. Why don't you just take off your jeans and and long sleeved shirt, and keep the rest of your clothes on?"
Elliot waited what seemed like forever for any sign of recognition – a nod, a spoken affirmation, a whisper of acknowledgment. Finally, the brunette in front of him blinked and nodded her assent. It was followed by one more spoken request – one that Elliot hadn't been expecting, but would honor nonetheless.
"I want you to stay, but I don't want you to look at me. Can you promise you will stand behind me at all times?"
"I promise, Liv."
Turning her back, Olivia undressed as Elliot had instructed, though with some difficulty as her jeans were soaking wet and clinging to her skin. When she was down to nothing but a tank top and her boy shorts, she waited. For his part, Elliot also kept himself modestly clothed. After shedding his sweats and tee shirt, he still wore his boxers and a tank style undershirt, for once grateful for the extra layers.
"I'm going to get into the water Liv, then I will help you in, okay? I won't look, I promise."
"Okay."
True to his word, Elliot upheld his promise completely. Once he was standing securely in the tub, he guided Olivia to walk backward to him, reaching for her hand and helping her step over the edge while she was still facing in the opposite direction. Only when she was sitting did he carefully lower himself to sit behind her, keeping as much of a distance as the space of the tub would allow.
Together they sat, letting the water warm them. The were scarcely touching, yet this was the most intimate they had ever been in the entirety of their relationship. However, there was nothing remotely sexual about what was going on right now, the closeness spoke of comfort and nothing more.
Even as her shivers abated, Olivia's shoulders continued to shake, and Elliot knew that the woman in front of him was crying. Unlike in the past, however, she made no attempt to conceal her tears, allowing them to flow freely. What he wasn't expecting, was the litany of words that followed – an outpouring of everything that had been held in for entirely too long.
"I knew something was wrong when I walked into my apartment that night. I felt it in my gut. I don't know why I didn't pull my gun. To this day, I still have no clue how he got in."
It was the first time Olivia had ever mentioned Lewis in this type of context, save for when she had given her consent for Elliot to read her case files. Elliot felt tears of his own prick at his eyes, and swallowed harshly in an attempt to keep them at bay. His pain didn't matter right now, but just as she had on the beach when she'd laid into him, Olivia clearly needed the catharsis that an outpouring like this would bring.
Elliot wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around Olivia, but given their already close proximity, the fact that they each wore minimal clothing, and that they were currently sharing a bath – innocent or not – he didn't want to overstep his bounds. To his surprise, it was Olivia who leaned back against him, seeking out the physical comfort he had so desperately wanted to offer.
Again and again, Olivia continued to set herself free, telling Elliot details that she hadn't even revealed to her own squad in regard to her ordeal with Lewis. Back then, there had been only one person she had wanted to talk to, and he was finally back in her life.
By the time the water had started to cool, Olivia was physically and emotionally spent. More than just the recent events since they'd arrived home, but the entire day as a whole had taken their toll on her, and she was exhausted. Elliot picked up on this easily, and immediately took action. Getting to his feet, he grabbed one of the several towels he had on standby, and dried himself off as best as possible – a difficult feat considering he was still dressed. Then, he reached out his hands, and turned his head to the side to help Olivia to her feet and out of the tub, keeping his promise to not look at the front of her body that was so littered with scars.
Once he was certain she would be all right, Elliot retreated to his own room to change, with an assurance that he would return shortly. True to his word, he was back within minutes. In the time that he was gone, he had not only put away their takeout for later – already certain that Olivia would not be eating anything right now – but made her a cup of hot tea.
Knocking on the bedroom door, Elliot was granted permission to enter, and he found Olivia sitting on the bed propped against the headboard. She accepted the tea with a grateful smile, and with a nod of her head, indicated that he should take the spot next to her.
"Do you want me to stay for awhile, Liv?"
Judging by her body language alone, Elliot was almost positive that was what Olivia wanted, but he needed to obtain verbal consent to be sure.
"Yes. That is, if you don't mind. Can you at least stay until I fall asleep?"
"Of course. I'll stay as long as you need me to."
Olivia finished sipping her tea, setting the empty mug on her bedside table. Snuggling down under the covers, she made herself as comfortable as possible. Elliot, respectfully remaining above the blankets, turned on his side and propped his head up on his elbow. As Olivia's eyelids grew heavy and her breathing began to even out, Elliot whispered one final promise.
"I'm right here, Olivia, and I'm never leaving you again."