The screech of metal scraping against the tiles. The quick tapping of footsteps. Her glasses, cracking upon impact with the floor. She'd heard them skitter a few feet away before she stopped feeling them on her face. Her fingertips brushed against her own swollen cheek.

Ritsuko's senses caught up with her as she was shaken weakly by the shoulders. Was it her or Misato trembling? Perhaps it was both of them.

"You had no right!" she said as her screaming devolved into sobs. "I knew it! I knew something was up, and for what?! What could possibly warrant you not telling me any of this?!"

The irony was not lost on Ritsuko. No matter how hard she'd ran this scenario in her head, it would never be as painful as the real thing. She'd planned to structure a sound argument, a coherent and poignant explanation as to the importance of classified information. As a side weapon, a rebuttal comprised of all the times Misato had been reckless when managing sensitive paperwork, not to mention her impulsiveness in the heat of battle. And if even that failed, she had her ace: To remind her that Dr. Katsuragi knew of the risks. And if anything, it was his fault too, and wasn't he getting suspiciously close to the Commander before it all went to hell?

But Ritsuko did none of those things. She was too preoccupied being dazed in a mixture of shock and shame, her efforts to string any combination of words together washed away at the sight of her oldest friend's flowing tears.

"I... I'm-"

"Don't you dare say you're sorry!" Misato put her hands away in disgust.

Ritsuko looked away. On the wall, the projected image of a crucified white giant stared back at her, its mask a blurry splotch of black. Right. She knelt down and put her glasses back on. She then reached for the projector's remote, the two batteries that rolled nearby, and the back cover. She chuckled humorlessly when one of the batteries seemingly became two: her left lens was broken.

"I'm going to finish the slides. This will answer your questions," she said with a lump in her throat as she stood up.

Misato wiped her tears and huffed as she walked back. She gracelessly pulled the chair to its previous position and sat down, arms crossed. Ritsuko gave her a few seconds to calm down before continuing.

"As I was saying, the genetic material we extracted from Adam is the basis for the creation of the Evangelion units. The armor plating serves the dual purpose of protecting them from physical trauma as well as restraining their movements. The 'berserk' state is nothing more than the Evangelion breaking free of its restraints. We have no idea what triggers it."

"And you make the kids pilot them. Are you listening to yourself? You make Shinji and Rei pilot live clones of our greatest enemy, knowing they could kill us all!"

"Oh, I'm sure it was perfectly ethical when it was 'just' a giant robot." Ritsuko snapped back. Misato glared at her, but before she replied, Ritsuko continued: "If you have another viable solution for destroying the angels, one that can reliably penetrate an AT-Field without drowning the entire country in nuclear fallout for decades to come, I'm all ears. You saw what the N2 mine did to the third angel, or rather, what it failed to do."

Misato hugged herself and stared at a corner of the table. She breathed slowly twice.

"Go on."

"Right." The next slide appeared. It was a side view of Unit-02's helmet surrounded by technical spec labels that displayed dozens of layers of armored material. "Starting with the production model, we're implementing a new composite safeguard system. It's a joint project with NERV's third branch. We've provided all the telemetry and field data we took from the battle with the third and fourth angel and they're working to prevent this kind of thing from happening again." Next slide. "If everything goes to plan, we'll eventually apply these upgrades to Units 00 and 01 as well."

"Misato, you must understand that the pilots are essential for the operation of the Evas. Even if you think we're just being heartless utilitarians, we can't just pluck them out of thin air. We must relocate them, house them, brief them, train them-"

"I get it, just... stop saying it like that. Talking about people like they're just another company asset." Her stomach churned at her own hypocrisy. She thought of Operation Yashima and how Shinji was forced to pilot mere hours after almost being fried to death. Was her revenge worth it? This reemerging guilt kept gnawing at her, even if they'd be dead otherwise.

Ritsuko continued the presentation. As per the Commander's instructions, she was very particular in what she divulged: "Adam" was in Terminal Dogma, this was the reason the angels always targeted the GeoFront. The angels and the Evas were essentially copies of each other, and they were working on a permanent energy solution for the latter in the form of an artificial S2 Engine. SEELE was partially responsible for Second Impact, seemingly in reaction to whatever information could be found in their set of Dead Sea Scrolls. Misato balled her hands into fists upon hearing this. Ritsuko quickly argued for Gehirn's eventual members' innocence: Ikari had returned to Japan in protest of what they were doing with the giant back in Antarctica, while the older Akagi and Fuyutsuki were still leading normal lives as civilians at the time.

As for their immediate concerns, NERV-Japan was requisitioning Unit-02 and its pilot from Germany, who were scheduled to arrive within a few weeks. This might put them under SEELE's heavy scrutiny once their justification made itself clear, but it was better than having only one operational Eva left.

Whenever Misato would prod deeper about any given topic, a simple "we don't know" or "we didn't know at the time" kept her at bay. They both knew this was merely a temporary measure. At some point, Ritsuko noticed Misato's fingers brushing against the gun holstered on her leg. She did her best to ignore it.

Twenty minutes later, a world map with logistically important locations blinked out of existence. Ritsuko turned the lights up and put the remote back on the table. Misato was still in her chair, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees and tightly clasped hands.

"Do you have any questions?"

"Many, but not for right now. This is a lot to take in." She stared at the remote on the table. Ritsuko nodded.

"You will be called when the time comes. For now, focus on operations and the paperwork. You may take the rest of the day."

Misato glared at her, a sarcastic 'How magnanimous' almost leaving her lips. Instead, she composed herself and stood up, her eyes darting around slightly as she reviewed what she'd just learned. Something didn't quite fit.

"So, is that it? You're just gonna let me leave?"

Ritsuko stared at her.

"Aren't you worried I might open my mouth?" she gave her a dark grin. It was a challenge; Misato knew Section 2 would be watching, and Ritsuko knew that she knew that. She was tempted to take the bait, but opted for the truth instead.

"No. I trust you."

"Oh, what an honor," she bowed slightly with enormous sarcasm. "I'm going home, then. But first, I need you to tell me: why are you doing this?"

"What? We must defend the Earth, you know the angels-"

"Don't bullshit me, Ritsuko. Why are you doing all this?" she waved vaguely around them. "What do you get from it? I want to believe that you value our friendship, so there must be a very good reason why you went along with this without telling me, knowing how much it means to me. And for this long, no less. This isn't like you."

Ritsuko's gaze lowered. Her embarrassment was complex and uncomfortable. Where would she even begin? It wasn't 'like her'? Her life before Evas and angels and AT-Fields and sync ratios was little more than a fading memory.

"I can't say. I'm not even sure I fully know."

"Well, you better come up with something real good. Don't worry, you have time. I really can't stand seeing your face right now." She hastily grabbed the papers, turned and exited the room, slamming the door shut on her way out. Ritsuko stared at the door in silence for almost a full minute.

"That could've been worse," she dug for another cigarette.

"Ikari."

Shinji's eyes snapped open. A pair of white shoes appeared in front of him. He lifted his gaze and the ceiling lights made him squint as a pair of red eyes stared in his direction. Almost glowing in the shade, they were framed by a dark mop of hair that turned blue on the edges where the light hit it. His pupils adjusted. The eye contact didn't last long.

"Oh, hello Ayanami. Is something wrong?" his grip tightened on the soda can he was apparently drinking from before he dozed off.

"I'd like to show you something," Rei replied. Her lips spasmed slightly.

"Yeah?" Shinji smiled politely, then his eyes darted back and forth from her eyes to her lips. She was standing within an arm's length. He turned to the can in his hand and took a sip.

Ayanami stood in place, unmoving. Shinji stole a few glances, trying to understand what was happening but not being able to keep eye contact without getting nervous. Her lips were still trembling weirdly and– was she smiling?

He shrunk and put his free hand on the opposite shoulder.

"Uh, so, what is it?"

"I'm attempting to show you my smile." Her mouth became a flat line. "But I see that I've failed."

"Ah n-no, it's just..." his voice trailed off and his gaze lowered to her shoes, then to one of the potted plants in the corner. It was tall and thin with dark, wide leaves. "You have to... mean it for it to look right."

"Mean it?"

"Yeah, you can't just smile on command. Ah, I guess you can for like, taking pictures and stuff, but–" He looked back at her, she was barely tilting her head with a puzzled expression, it was a tiny thing only few people would notice.

"What I mean is, for a nice smile you have to want it," he said before looking down again. "You have to want to smile."

"I want to smile," she said, frowning.

"You do?" he looked up at her.

"Yes."

"Why?"

Her frown dissolved into the neutral expression Shinji knew well. She stared at him silently until Shinji averted his eyes again, back to her shoes, then to the plant in the corner. The pot was simple: plain white ceramic, rounded at the top. It was actually two stacked containers, so that excess water could escape further down if necessary. A cold drop of precipitation from the can made him turn to his hand on the table, the soda was still cool from the vending machine. There was a knot forming in his stomach.

"I think–" he turned back to her shoes. They were gone. She was gone.

He sighed, it was for the best. Whatever Ayanami was making him feel was too uncomfortable. But it also felt good to be near her—everything was so confusing. He kept staring at the floor for a while, part of him relieved he could be left alone, yet another part wanting, hoping, daydreaming that her shadow would reappear on the spot, bringing her along with it, all while wearing a smile as genuine and soothing as the one she gave him after Operation Yashima.

The sound of approaching steps pulled him back to the real world. A shadow appeared in his view. He lifted his head excitedly only to find Misato glaring at him, her eyes were red and her left cheek had some eyeliner smudged on it.

"Wha–"

"We're going home." She took his hand and pulled roughly, walking straight to the parking lot.

It was a few minutes of riding in silence before Misato spoke:

"Shinji, I owe you an apology."

"Huh? For what?"

"For everything. For the Eva, for piloting. For letting you get your head pierced, your chest perforated, your heart stopped. It's all so screwed up, and I'm sorry."

He turned to her, grimacing at the memory of those events. When he noticed her mortified expression, his own softened.

"Ah, It's okay," he replied without thinking. She smiled half-heartedly, he was doing it again.

"No, it's really not," her voice cracked.

"I'm the only one that can pilot Unit-01, right?" he started while looking at his hands on his lap, "so I should". She shifted gears and rubbed her eyes with the back of the same hand. He noticed a damp trail across her cheek and swallowed. "And my father, he'll notice me, he–"

Shinji stopped at the sound of Misato's leather gloves squeaking as she gripped the wheel viciously.

"Misato, what's wrong, really? what happened?" Her breathing was harsher. She cleared her throat.

"Nothing, just... learn to accept an apology, will you? Why can't you just believe that I feel bad about it?!" She barked at him.

"I'm sorry," he lowered his head. Of course she wouldn't trust him with her problems, he was just a dumb kid, after all. Another conversation, another blunder.

"And that's another thing, you don't have to apologize so much."

"Sorry!" The word came out on its own and he winced. She sighed.

They rode the rest of the way back home in silence.

Old beer cans toppled over as Misato shifted in her futon. When they'd arrived back to the apartment, Shinji went directly to his room and stayed there until it was time for dinner. She'd just considered preparing her usual instant ramen and curry combo when his door slid open and he went straight into the kitchen, a polite smile on his face. He made miso soup with onions and mushrooms and reheated some leftover rice. She tried to strike a friendly conversation during dinner, but the kid just wouldn't come out of his shell, giving barely more than single word replies. And things were only going to get harder for him and everyone else.

'Should I tell him? I must be crazy.' She put her forearm on her head and opened her eyes. She hated having these things hidden from her, but now she was in the opposite end of the situation. "Goddammit, Ritsuko," she muttered to herself as she turned once more. She couldn't trust a fourteen-year-old to be able to handle the truth about SEELE and the angels, let alone keep his mouth shut about it. But he was going to have to pilot the Eva, didn't he deserve to know at least some of it? And there she was again, letting the kids do all the dirty work, she was no better than the Commander in that regard.

She reluctantly got up and walked to the kitchen, maybe another beer would help her finally fall asleep. She was partially successful, wishing to go back to sleep every time her tired eyes snapped open, and wishing to wake up as soon as she'd accomplished it.

The next morning, Misato woke up to find that Shinji had left the apartment early. She held onto the frame of his room's door absentmindedly as she rubbed one of her eyes, until the clattering of a bowl on the kitchen floor made her turn. Pen Pen lay beside it, having just finished wolfing down his sardine breakfast.

"He didn't like, leave leave again, right?" she asked as she slid the door to his room closed.

The penguin replied with a disinterested "Wark!"

"Oh, that's good," she sighed and walked to the kitchen, ready to enjoy her Sunday with a beer and some television. Bad news could still wait until later.

Shinji opened the door of the convenience store with an elbow, the two bags he was carrying in each hand swayed and bumped against the glass. He was glad to be in charge of the groceries for once—a nice opportunity to leave the house.

"Shinji!" He heard a familiar voice behind him.

Kensuke smiled as he appeared beside him, he was carrying his camcorder bag and held a chocolate bar in one hand.

"Here, let me help you." He opened the door for him.

"Hey Kensuke! Thank you." The kids stepped out of the store and felt the cool summer breeze blow by.

"Don't mention it. So, do you always buy the groceries?"

"Well, someone has to do it."

"Yeah yeah, you're always going on about Miss Katsuragi being terrible. I'm telling you man, what I'd give to live with a babe like her!"

Shinji rolled his eyes. "Anyway, do you know where Toji is?" He turned towards his friend. Kensuke tensed.

"We were actually going to hit up the arcade today, but he got busy with his dad or something. Want some help?" He pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose and gestured at one of the bags.

"Sure, thanks." Shinji gave him a pair and held one of the rest in each hand.

He thought about inviting Kensuke over for lunch, but the idea of bringing a friend home after what happened with Misato made him uncomfortable. They walked in silence until they reached the apartment's parking lot. Shinji noticed a blue Kei Truck that wasn't there when he left, but more importantly, Misato's Alpine was gone. Sighing in relief, he turned to Kensuke.

"Hey Kensuke, would you like to stay for lunch? And before you ask, no, Misato is not around."

"Hah, that's okay." He grinned and patted his abdomen. "That chocolate didn't really hit the spot."

A few minutes later, Shinji finished serving some green tea and went back to the cooking range to put on his apron and to start preparing some rice balls. It was a simple and straightforward meal, so it'd do. Kensuke thanked him and sipped the hot beverage.

"Yo, Shinji, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah?"

"When I ask you about Eva, does it bother you?" Kensuke asked. Shinji shifted his weight at the question.

"Uh well, I guess it makes sense that you'd be interested."

"Yeah, but does it bother you?" He gripped his cup a little more tightly.

"Maybe, it depends. Why?" Shinji stopped preparing the food and turned to face him.

"I lied about the arcade." Kensuke smiled and looked at his reflection in the cup. "Toji's probably there by himself right now."

"Huh? Why? What happened?"

"I think I asked too much. I mean about his sister, about the first attack. Oh, and about what it felt like when we got trapped underwater with you against the squid monster; he kinda blew up on me and left."

"Did he beat you up?" Shinji wiped his hands on the apron and walked to the table. He eyed Kensuke's face for bruises.

"I wish!" Kensuke chuckled. "I know it sounds weird, but this is Toji we're talking about; the fact he just ditched me is what worries me the most."

Shinji nodded in understanding and took one of the cups.

"Y'know Shinji, sometimes I get obsessed with stuff, I've always been like this," Kensuke took his glasses off and wiped them with the bottom of his shirt before putting them back on. "I have a pretty big mouth too. Ah, I'm getting all mopey with you. It's just... I wanted you to know that I'm sorry and that I'm working on it."

"Hey, it's–" he stopped to make sure he meant what he was about to say. "It's alright, really. We all have stuff we don't like about ourselves. Misato says I apologize too much, and sometimes I can't help it." He sipped from his cup. A comfortable silence settled between the two boys. After a few seconds, Shinji decided to return and finish the rice balls.

"Hey, so I looked up how to fix this," Kensuke started with a pointed finger. "An article online said it's a good idea to ask about what the other person wants to share instead of talking about one's interests all the time. So, is there something you'd like to talk about?"

"I'm not sure," he moved to wash his hands as his brow furrowed. Most of the images flashing through his mind's eye were either classified NERV material or something embarrassing, sometimes both at the same time.

"How about, do you like music?" Shinji finally said.

"Kinda, not really. Actually, It's a bit... Do you promise not to laugh?"

"Sure."

"I like some uh, Idol stuff," he murmured.

"Oh, that's cool!" Shinji smiled.

"You think so?"

Shinji nodded, "I don't see anything wrong with that. I like some RPG soundtracks, but also some western stuff, mostly piano and classical."

"Neat! Do you speak English?" He lifted his head in excitement, making his lenses shine with the light from the ceiling.

"Oh, no, nothing like that. Sometimes I look up the meaning of the lyrics of songs I enjoy, but I mostly go by rhythm and feeling, you know what I mean?"

"Oh, sure." He slid his cup back and forth between his hands. "Sorry for being selfish, maybe you wanted to go to the arcade as well. Hah, now I'm the one who's apologizing too much! It's not contagious, right?" He jabbed playfully.

"Well, I hope not!" He chuckled. "And I like staying home, so it's no big deal."

"Cool, cool. Thank you Shinji, this makes me feel much better." He finished his cup and stood up. "I think I'm gonna go apologize to Toji too, it's the manly thing to do, after all!" He put one fist on his hip and hit his chest dramatically with the other. His stomach, however, declared its own plans with a growl. "Uh, after I have some of those rice balls, of course."

"Heh, sure." Shinji served the dish in the middle of the table and refilled both teacups before sitting down across his friend. They ate in peace for a few minutes, the kind of menial silence Shinji enjoyed the most when staying home.

After finishing the rice balls, Kensuke thanked him for the food and left. Shinji closed the door and walked back to pick up the dishes from the table, he stopped while his hands rested on the back of one of the chairs. 'The manly thing to do. What a strange way to put it,' he thought. It made sense to him all the same, adults apologized for their mistakes. He couldn't understand why Misato would find that annoying; he was doing his best, after all.

Maybe the real problem was his way of apologizing. Doing it so often, maybe his apologies had become half-hearted and unconvincing, but a good apology was sure to reach anyone, right? He closed his fist and his chest puffed at this newfound resolution. But there was someone else Shinji felt the need to apologize to first. He could always wait until tomorrow to do it, but then again, doing so on school grounds would only make things even more awkward.

Pen Pen waddled in holding the TV remote.

"Oh, hey Pen Pen. Guarding the front?"

"Wark!"

Shinji ruffled Pen Pen's red crest with his hand, something the penguin didn't seem to enjoy all that much.

"I know, I know. Think you can do it for a couple more hours?"

"Wark."

"If Misato returns before I do, please tell her I won't be long." He put on his shoes and grabbed his school bag before leaving.

Jackhammers and industrial steam pipes were the evening's repertoire, as usual. Shinji stared at the dilapidated apartment complex and wondered how many floors high one would have to jump off from to die on impact. He compared the results of his morbid thought with the dubious splat on the floor beside him. Wiping the sweat on his brow with the back of his hand, he steeled himself as he started going up the first flight of stairs, only four to go.

He passed by a broken syringe and a couple of empty cans of beans that weren't there during his previous visit. "That's nice," he murmured to no one in particular. He arrived after a couple of minutes. Remembering the lack of doorbell, he hit the door several times with his knuckles.

"Ayanami, are you home? It's Ikari, ah... Shinji."

'Really? Like she could mistake your voice for his,' he chided himself.

He saw a glimpse of red and light blue through the gap on the door before it opened more fully.

"What is it?"

"Ah, Ayanami, hi. Sorry to bother you, I wanted to... I just..." he started, but unfortunately his brain program crashed when he noticed her bare legs; she wore a loose school shirt and... that was it. At least it was still buttoned all the way. Through his stupor, he felt a drop of sweat climb down his nose and splash minutely between her feet.

"Ikari?"

"Ah, Ayanami, I'm sorry!" He exclaimed with tightly shut eyes.

"What for?" She stared at him.

He straightened up, cleared his throat, put his hands lightly on his thighs and bowed, "I humbly apologize for not appreciating your smile, meaning, not reacting to it. I was very rude, please find it in yourself to... forgive... me."

He'd practiced the steps in his mind all the way from Misato's apartment: A perfect 70-degree bow, a firm tone, a sincere choice of words. It would be a pro's apology, the kind that would receive a polite golf claps all around. But as he performed the social ritual, it all seemed so... hollow, a mockery of the salaryman who's never on time but is always eager to promise to do better next time, only to do it again. It was disgusting, and he'd just committed to such a train wreck in front of her. His throat felt dry.

"You don't have to apologize," she muttered. Shinji looked up for a fraction of a second but his eyes recoiled away at the sight of hers; he could swear they had a tinge of disgust.

The ever-present construction noises were briefly drowned out by a gust of wind. Shinji felt his sleeves and hair sway back and forth and the sweat on his face cool down.

After far too long had passed, he looked up with a frown to face Rei. His eyes were glassy and full of anguish. For some unexplainable reason, her expression had eventually softened into a slight smile, this time a genuine one.

"I forgive you, Ikari."

Wanting to just be done with the whole situation, he bowed again briefly and said, "Ah, thank you very much!" and hastily turned to leave, "I guess I'll see you in school tomorrow," he said over his shoulder.

"Ikari." Rei called softly. Shinji froze in place.

"Yes?"

"Would you like to... come in?"

On a snow-covered mountaintop, a teenage boy stood, shielded from the elements with layer upon layer of thick clothing. The snowstorm was finally subsiding, giving way to gold-tinged early morning sky. Even through polarized sunglasses, his blood-red eyes stood out among the scenery.

After finishing his laborious task, the cold, dry air made him swallow, which in turn reminded him of the hard ring of metal pressing against his neck. It was a necessary compromise, the old men would never allow him to leave the compound otherwise. His exertions made him feel hot and he felt like removing some of the clothing, but it'd be a death sentence at this height. He was still getting used to such things.

A row of enormous monoliths of black and red materialized out of thin air in front of him, it almost seemed like they enjoyed ruining this moment of respite.

"Humanity nears its final judgement," A voice echoed from SEELE 01.

"The time where they must change themselves or succumb to oblivion," SEELE 04 lit up.

"This is the true meaning of redemption." SEELE 03 joined.

"I am to bring this judgement," the boy said, it was almost a question.

"No, you are not the progenitor–" SEELE 04 started.

"Nor the mother of mankind," SEELE 02 completed in sync. "You are but a vessel in human form, an apostle that brings the gospel of complementation."

"You are Kaworu Nagisa, and this is your only purpose. Deviate from it, and oblivion will come to you." SEELE 01 said before fading out of view.

The boy stared unblinkingly at the monoliths and the rising sun behind them. One by one, they faded away.

Once they were all gone, he surveyed the landscape, a smirk forming on his lips. He checked his watch and then the rest of his equipment.

"It's time for the Lilin to choose, then," he whispered to himself as he began hiking downhill.