Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
When Olivia woke a few hours later, the first thing that registered was that she wasn't alone. As if the void of blackness that had enveloped the room during the course of her nap weren't disconcerting enough, someone was in the bed with her. The heavy weight of the arm looped around her waist confirmed that, and Olivia resisted the urge to scream, not wanting to alert whomever was behind her to the fact that she had awakened.
As panic threatened to take a greater hold, Olivia inhaled sharply, her nostrils filling with a scent she immediately recognized, and the fear begin to dissipate. Elliot. Memories of what had happened earlier in the day began to inundate her brain, and Olivia felt her cheeks flush with shame. She couldn't believe she'd embarrassed herself the way she had. Asking Elliot to stay with her until she fell asleep, as though she were one of his children who needed him to check for monsters under the bed? It was humiliating.
Despite her mortification, however, Olivia had to acknowledge that this was the most sound sleep she'd had in as long as she could remember. Beyond that, there was a sense of comfort unlike anything she'd felt in months. Even with Elliot's arm wrapped around her the way it was, it didn't make her feel smothered. Regardless of the initial fears she'd experienced upon waking, as Olivia nestled further under the covers and exhaled a sigh of relief, she focused on how content she was in this moment. After the hellish day she'd had, it felt good to realize just how safe she actually was.
"I can hear you thinking. Do you need me to move?"
To Olivia's credit, she didn't startle when Elliot spoke. Truth be told, she wasn't that surprised. The way she figured things, he had probably only dozed lightly while watching over her. Likely the only reason why his arm was still wrapped around her waist was because he was afraid of waking her. Even though it was something she'd always known about the man, Elliot had confirmed to her earlier today that he would always respect her personal boundaries.
"No, not yet. I'm still mad at you, though, Elliot."
Even though it was completely dark in the room, and she wasn't facing him. Olivia could sense that her former partner was smiling. The slight shaking of his body behind hers was another telltale sign of his mirth. Instead of taking offense, Olivia just let the statement be. What she wasn't expecting, however, was for Elliot to agree with her. Or, for him to press his lips to the crown of her head before responding.
"I know you are. I deserve it, too. But, you're going to have to wait until later to yell at me some more. Right now, I need to know if you want to try and eat something, or if you'd rather get some more sleep."
Just as Olivia was about to give her answer, her stomach growled noisily. There was no mistaking the sound, and as she felt Elliot shake again behind her, Olivia had to laugh herself. She was trying to hide it, though, going so far as to jab her elbow backward into Elliot's ribs in an attempt to make him stop. Truth be told, she was hungry, albeit a bit hesitant to eat. Despite how vocal her stomach was being in it's insistence for food, she had been so upset earlier that Olivia was leery of eating a heavy meal.
"Maybe something light? I don't want to push my luck."
"Tell you what - the takeout we brought home will keep until tomorrow. Why don't I just heat up some soup and make grilled cheese sandwiches for tonight? Do you think you could handle that?"
"That sounds perfect."
Though he was reluctant to let go, Elliot was aware of the fact that Olivia would need a few minutes to herself. Not just to get her bearings after her nap, but to process the position they had woken up in. It hadn't been his intention to fall asleep, but once Olivia's breaths had evened out earlier, the soothing cadence of her exhales had been as effective as a lullaby. He was just relieved that she hadn't been any more frightened than she seemed when she had awakened. Olivia had already had to process so much today, if he'd done anything to set her back even more, he'd never have forgiven himself.
Turning on the lamp that was on his bedside table, Elliot got to his feet. Olivia twisted slightly, but made no indication she was getting out of bed just yet. Instead, she stretched languidly, yawning as she did so.
"Take as long as you need before you come down, Liv. I'm going to head to the kitchen and get started on dinner."
"Okay. I won't be long. Maybe we could watch a movie or something while we eat?"
"You've got it."
With that, Elliot padded out of the room, leaving Olivia to her own thoughts. As she watched him go, the brunette replayed the moments since she'd woken up over and over again in her mind. Though she didn't want to admit it to herself, she knew it spoke volumes that she hadn't spiraled down into a complete panic, or physically lashed out. It also reminded her of how often she'd longed for the comforting scent that Elliot's cologne, aftershave – or whatever it was that he wore - had always provided ever since his departure from her life. Having that back again, that tangible presence, was just another reminder that Elliot was truly back in her world once more. And for all of his promises that he wasn't going anywhere, there were still times when Olivia wanted to hold her breath and hope that her former partner would be a man of his word.
While it was true that Elliot had told her not to rush, Olivia didn't want to linger in the bedroom for very long. The simple meal he was preparing wouldn't take much time to cook, and the more she thought about it, the more she realized just how hungry she actually was. Olivia did, however, make a stop in the bathroom to splash some water on her face and run a brush through her hair. After pulling some fuzzy socks on her feet to ward off the evening chill, she headed downstairs to see what her former partner was up to. When Olivia entered the kitchen, Elliot must have heard her approach, because he looked over his shoulder to greet her from his position at the stove.
"Hey Liv. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. I hope you don't mind, but I waited until you were here before starting the sandwiches so they wouldn't get cold. I've been keeping the soup hot, though."
"That's fine. Anything I can do to help?"
Elliot wanted to refuse the request, and insist that Olivia rest, but he knew better. Instead, he suggested that while he finished his part of things, she get out some drinks for them. Since they'd already discussed watching a movie, Olivia carried two glasses of iced tea into the living room. Then, knowing Elliot wouldn't let her do anything else for the time being, she picked up the remote and began searching for something to watch while they ate.
Not long after Olivia had made herself comfortable, Elliot came walking in. Careful in his steps, he was carrying a platter in each hand. Both platters were wide enough to accommodate a bowl of soup, allowing Elliot to bring everything in at the same time without having to make multiple trips. Even so, Olivia couldn't resist the urge to tease him.
"Trying to get the job done all at once, are you? You must be hungry. I know it can't be because you're that excited to see the movie I've chosen for us."
Picking up easily on Olivia's body language and tone of voice, Elliot countered with some gentle teasing of his own.
"You didn't pick one of those sappy romantic comedies, did you? Please, tell me you're not going to make me watch that. Not after I slaved over a hot stove for us."
Olivia laughed, and it was music to Elliot's ears. Without even consciously realizing it, he began going over in his mind other possible things he could do or say to make her laugh again. Though he'd never fault her for her trauma, because he would always let her lean on him whenever she needed, he infinitely preferred her laughter to her to tears. Olivia's tears never failed to break him, to wound in a way that no other injury ever could. Maybe it was because their souls were so deeply entwined that he never failed to experience her emotions as keenly as he did his own – a feeling that had only intensified since their reunion.
"Not exactly. There will be some comedy, but no real heavy romance involved. You should know me well enough to realize I can't tolerate that sappy bullshit either."
"You have a point there, Benson."
Olivia accepted the plate that Elliot passed her and set it carefully on the coffee table in front of her, waiting until he, too had situated himself on the couch. Together, they slid the table closer so they wouldn't have to worry about balancing the hot bowls of soup on their laps while they ate. Olivia reached for the remote to start the movie, and a few seconds later, the telltale Disney logo flashed across the screen, giving Elliot a clue as to what type of movie his former partner may have chosen for the evening. Noticing the expression on his face from the corner of her eye, Olivia smacked him lightly in the chest with the back of her hand.
"Shut up, Elliot. You said I got to pick."
"I didn't say anything."
"You were thinking it."
After the emotional roller coaster she'd experienced that day, it felt good to Olivia to be able to engage in some lighter banter with Elliot. In many ways, it reminded her of old times, when he would come over to her apartment to crash for a night after a fight with Kathy and they'd order in takeout and watch cheesy movies until they both passed out from the sheer exhaustion of a long day at work. As quickly as they'd come, she tried to push the more melancholy memories away, not needing to be inundated with any more overwhelming emotions tonight. Instead, Olivia knew she needed to focus on remaining in the here and now – one of the few tactics from her therapy sessions that she had managed to retain.
"Liv? You with me?"
Momentarily startled, Olivia turned her head sharply to face Elliot, nearly spilling her soup in the process. While he made no actual comment, his concern was obvious. Not wanting to delve into a heavy subject, she tried her best to brush it off.
"I'm fine, Elliot. I just zoned out for a minute."
While he was still worried, Elliot wisely let the matter drop. Instead, he began to eat while focusing his attention on the animated movie that had begun to play on the television screen. Though they didn't dissipate completely, his anxieties were allayed somewhat when Olivia picked up her grilled cheese sandwich and dunked it into her soup before taking a bite. Whatever had troubled her, it hadn't affected her appetite. For now, that was all that mattered. The rest they could deal with in time.
Despite her nap, Olivia had still been dealing with a great deal of exhaustion from her experiences earlier in the day. Once her belly was full, it didn't take long for her to fall back to sleep. That's exactly how she found herself curled up on the couch less than halfway through the movie, her head resting against Elliot's chest and his arm wrapped protectively around her shoulders. That close contact hadn't been intentional, but a more gradual occurrence as she had drifted off. For Elliot's part, he had drawn Olivia's body against his only as a means to prevent her from falling off the couch entirely.
Now, he was faced with another dilemma, not unlike the one from the night before. Before today, he wouldn't have hesitated in carrying Olivia upstairs so she could slumber in the comfort of her own bed. Things were different, now, after the triggers Olivia had faced today. As much as Elliot loathed to do it, he knew he would have to wake her, and let Olivia make the decision on her own.
"Liv. Olivia."
He called her name, his voice barely above a whisper. With the palm of his hand, Elliot rubbed Olivia's arm gently, yet another effort on his part to slowly bring her back to consciousness without startling her. Despite all his good intentions, Olivia nonetheless woke in an all-out panic, her eyes darting frantically about the room as she tried to take in her surroundings. It wasn't until her gaze settled on the man sitting beside her that she visibly relaxed, and even then, her breathing was still a bit erratic as she tried to calm herself down.
"Easy, Liv."
Had the words come from anyone other than Elliot, Olivia would have tensed, and maybe even let anger consume her. She didn't like to be placated for any reason – she never had. Maybe it stemmed from the fact that she had never received much comfort during her formative years, but as an adult, she always viewed someone showing her empathy as a sign that she was weak. There were only a select few people that she would accept this gesture from, and even then, Olivia knew she couldn't let it last. As much as she longed to remain in the safety of Elliot's embrace, her pride dictated that she stand on her own two feet.
"I'm fine, Elliot. I'm sorry I panicked."
No sooner had she spoken the words, than Olivia was getting to her feet. In an attempt to hide how shaken she still was, she ran her hand through her brunette tresses, which had dried with a gentle wave to them after the incident in the rain earlier in the afternoon. Elliot missed Olivia the second she stepped away, but tried not to show it. The last thing she needed when she was already struggling was any perceived judgment on his part.
"You've got nothing to be sorry for. I didn't want to disturb you, but it was just getting late, and I knew you'd be more comfortable in your own bed.
"You're right, I will be, thanks. I just feel bad that I crashed out on you when we were supposed to be watching a movie."
"Don't worry about it. Why don't you head upstairs and get settled for the night? I'll make sure everything is taken care of down here, then bring you a cup of tea, if you'd like?"
Olivia exhaled a breath she hadn't even realized she was holding. She wasn't sure exactly what she had been expecting Elliot to say, but an offer of tea definitely wasn't it. Logically, she knew that he'd never presume that she wanted him to share her bed a second time, especially when his having fallen asleep there in the first place had been purely unintentional. Elliot would never overstep his boundaries like that with her – or with anyone. Even so, Olivia was left with a feeling deep in her gut that she couldn't quite explain. It hovered somewhere between disappointment and relief.
On one hand, it was unfortunate, because Olivia had to admit that she'd never slept as well as she had in the few hours she had with Elliot by her side during their accidental nap. However, personal space was something that Olivia had always held sacred. The fact that she continually allowed Elliot to be such an active participant in her day to day life, that she was opening herself up to rely on him again, was already a big step in and of itself. There were a lot of things about today that remained a quiet blur in Olivia's mind, but her shouting at Elliot on the beach was not one them. That outburst had contained emotions she'd been holding back for quite some time, and even now, it still didn't feel like she'd completely purged herself of the feelings of resentment she held toward her former partner. Granted, Olivia was deeply grateful for Elliot's presence and everything he had done for her – and continued to do. But, the pain he had caused when he had disappeared from her life without a word was still fresh beneath the surface. It would take more than one bout of giving him a piece of her mind before the air was clear. Maybe - just maybe - until then, Olivia could bring herself to compromise.
Realizing that she'd become lost in her own thoughts, Olivia shook her head, returning to the present. Elliot stood a few feet away, waiting patiently with an expectant but concerned look on his face. What was it he had asked again? Something about tea – oh, that's right. He had offered to make her tea. Even though Olivia didn't consider herself particularly thirsty, she couldn't deny herself the comfort that the warm beverage would offer. Plus, now that she had become more alert, it would take her awhile to settle again before falling back to sleep. The soothing chamomile blend would go a long way in helping her to relax.
"Yes, please, Elliot. Tea would be wonderful."
Ten minutes later, Olivia was settled under the covers of her bed, propped up against the headboard. Her tablet sat on the nightstand, the screen opened up to a new chapter in the book she'd been trying to read for the last month. When Elliot knocked on the frame of the open door, she granted him permission to enter, offering a smile.
"Here you go, Liv. Tea sweetened just the way you like it. I made sure not to make it too hot, so you can drink it right away."
"Thank you."
Elliot hovered by the side of the bed for a minute or two, and an awkward silence passed between them. Just as Elliot opened his mouth to speak, it was broken by Olivia, who had gathered her courage to say what had been on her mind since before she'd come upstairs.
"I know that since you've come to stay with me, I've had the strict rule that you aren't to come into my room under any circumstances, no matter what you hear."
Misunderstanding where the conversation was going, Elliot interjected quickly.
"And I have always followed that rule, Olivia, I promise you."
Reaching out, Olivia rested her hand on Elliot's forearm.
"I know you have. What I'm saying is this – I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep those same rules, not after today. But at the same time, I don't think I'm ready for an open-door policy, either."
Finally gleaning just what Olivia had meant, Elliot didn't hesitate to reassure her.
"How about this, Liv? You keep your door shut at night, but not locked? The same rules will still apply, I won't enter without your permission, unless I think you are in extreme distress and it would cause you more harm than good if I were to stay away."
Olivia considered Elliot's words for only a few seconds before responding.
"That seems fair. Just be careful if you try and wake me, I might come out swinging."
Bending at the waist, Elliot pressed a soft kiss to the crown of Olivia's head.
"Don't you worry about that. All I want you to focus on is getting a good night's rest. You even have some pleasant things to dream about."
"Like what?"
"Like the thought of me trying to assemble all that patio furniture tomorrow. I'm sure that will be your entertainment for the day."
Laughing now, Olivia couldn't help but agree.
"You do have a point. Do you think we can still find time to go for a walk in the morning?"
"Of course."
With that final promise, Elliot made his exit. He paused at the door to glance over his shoulder one last time, bidding Olivia a final goodnight before turning out the light and heading out into the hall. Alone within the four walls of her room, Olivia exhaled, a smile still playing at her lips.
Elliot awoke early the next morning. He had slept fitfully throughout the night, more intent on staying on guard should Olivia need him than worrying about his own slumber. The last time he'd been that vigilant for that many consecutive hours had been when she'd been an inpatient in the hospital.
To say Olivia's night had gone undisturbed by nightmares would be a lie, as there were several occasions when Elliot had sensed that she was more agitated than others. But for the most part, he assumed that whatever haunted her must have remained few and far between, a great relief in and of itself. So, while Elliot was deeply in need of caffeine this morning, he was confident that Olivia would be just fine with her usual lone cup. After using the bathroom and brushing his teeth, he headed downstairs so he could get the cherished coffee brewing.
The hour was still early, so early that the sun had yet to rise. Olivia wouldn't be up for quite some time yet. Despite that, Elliot still wrestled with his own emotions. Logically, he knew he should attend a meeting, but the thought of leaving Olivia on her own for even a little bit – even while she still slept – was unimaginable. Ordinarily, Elliot wouldn't think anything of giving Olivia the independence he knew she craved, but he also recognized that after the previous day, she would still be feeling raw. That was why he made the decision to check in to a virtual meeting today instead of attending in person. If all went well, he could resume the normal routine tomorrow. Plus, Elliot reasoned with a smirk playing across his lips, at least by staying here at the cottage, the coffee was guaranteed to be infinitely better than anything they would serve in the basement of that church.
The more Elliot thought about it, the more he wondered if he still needed the daily meetings. Granted, he wasn't about to gamble with his sobriety entirely, but he had considered perhaps decreasing his attendance from daily to three times a week. It had only been that one day that Olivia had been taken to the hospital that he had truly felt the urge to drink. That didn't mean he would stop taking care of himself, but perhaps he could channel that energy into other outlets – like spending time at the gym he'd joined, or going on walks with Olivia.
Today, though, Elliot was going to attend a meeting. While he'd all but made his decision, he still wanted the advice of others who shared his compulsion with using alcohol as a coping mechanism. It may not have been his strong suit in the past, but over the years since his retirement, he'd gotten quite skilled at not just listening when other people spoke, but hearing them, too.
Although he doubted Olivia would wake any time soon, Elliot still decided to retreat to his room for the duration of the online session. He filled a large travel mug with coffee, then climbed the stairs. It wasn't so much that he objected to Olivia overhearing what he would share, but more to protect the privacy of the other members of the group. Ever considerate, Elliot still remembered to leave a note on the counter, just in case Olivia would appear in the kitchen before he returned.
Roughly an hour later, Elliot emerged again, feeling more sure than ever about his decision. The members of the group had been supportive in his choice to cut back on attendance, but reminded him not to get to the point of being overwhelmed before returning to daily meetings. The reassurance was just the added confidence boost Elliot had needed.
As Elliot headed back toward the stairs, he was only partially surprised to see Olivia's bedroom door open on the opposite end of the landing. With just one look at how she was dressed, Elliot could easily guess her intent. Not that it would be different than any other morning, but after having missed their routine walk yesterday, it was understandable why she would have excess energy to burn.
"Morning, Liv. I know I don't have to ask if you want to walk today, so my only question is this – do you want your coffee before we leave, or after we get back?"
Elliot decided then and there that Olivia's smile just may be the best thing he'd seen all day, and it was only getting started. He hoped it was a sign of more positive things to come.
"The coffee can wait. I will, however, have a glass of orange juice and some of those blueberry muffins before we go."
With one of the more recent grocery orders, Elliot had, on a whim, requested a box of miniature blueberry muffins. There were five pouches in the box, with four muffins apiece. While he didn't expect her to consume the entire package just yet, Elliot hoped Olivia would at least split one with him. Then again, the fact that she had suggested food on her own was a huge step in the right direction where her nutrition was concerned. The appetite stimulants must be working.
"You've got it."
When Olivia suggested they walk past the lighthouse today, Elliot didn't press her for any more details, and she didn't elaborate. Deep down, though, he understood her reasoning. After the emotional encounter on the beach the day before, Elliot didn't blame Olivia in the slightest for needing a break from the sand and surf. He did hope, though, that the healing powers of the ocean wouldn't be permanently tarnished.
So, while Elliot wasn't surprised by their destination this morning, he did find himself shocked when Olivia wordlessly slipped her palm within his own once they made it past the front gate onto the sidewalk. He didn't say anything about the contact she had just initiated, but instead took it a step further, opting to link their fingers as a means to deepen the connection.
Such was the way it was then, the way they walked silently hand in hand for the next forty five minutes, looping their way around the neighborhood. During the thirteen years they had worked together as partners, words had often been unnecessary. It was no different now, on this cold April morning. Though the air held a bite to it, the warmth of the sun's rays peeking through the clouds promised brighter times ahead, not unlike a beacon of hope. Olivia clung to that hope just as tightly as she clung to Elliot's hand, needing the strength of both to remind herself that the nightmare of the previous day was truly behind her now.
When they made it back to the cottage, neither were willing to let go of the other. Instead, Olivia let Elliot guide her through the door. Reluctantly, she did have to ultimately release her grip on his hand so she could remove her jacket, and tried not to think about how much she immediately missed the warmth and comfort of Elliot's palm against her own. Instead, Olivia cleared her throat and did what she knew she always did best – she changed the subject.
"Thanks for the walk. I'm, um, going to head upstairs and grab a shower. Unless you needed help with breakfast?"
Elliot tried to conceal his shock. First, Olivia had suggested the light snack before their walk, and now she was offering to help him prepare breakfast? Definite steps in the right direction. He just hoped that this wasn't an attempt to mask any other emotions that may be troubling the brunette. But, that was a subject that wasn't easy to broach, so Elliot wisely decided he would leave it alone for now. Olivia had an appointment with Dr. Hamil the following day, so he hoped if there were any other underlying issues she was keeping from him, she would discuss them with her psychiatrist then.
"No, Liv. I don't need any help. Take as long as you need, I'll wait to get started on breakfast until you get back, I was thinking of making omelets and toast today."
When he saw the brief flicker of worry that crossed Olivia's face, Elliot hurried to amend his statement.
"Have no fear, Liv. I have no intention of making your portion more than you can handle. I was actually thinking of making one large omelet and splitting it between the two of us."
"That sounds perfect."
With breakfast plans settled, and the promise of coffee when she returned, Olivia headed for the stairs. Her morning shower was still a daily routine she cherished, and that was something she didn't see changing. The time alone would also give Olivia the opportunity to ruminate over the secret of sorts that she was harboring this morning, the one where she hadn't actually slept at all the night before, despite having given Elliot the illusion to the contrary.
The truth of the matter was, Olivia's night had been just as restless as Elliot's was. The only difference being while Elliot had purposely remained awake to keep a watchful guard, Olivia had wrestled with a combination of the usual terrors in addition to her own stubborn pride. The terrors themselves weren't surprising, given the tumultuous day she'd had, but the pride was something new entirely, and completely unexpected. It seemed that when Elliot had inadvertently fallen asleep next to Olivia after helping her get warmed up from the rain, her body had subconsciously registered his presence as a source of both safety and comfort. In that short window of time, and perhaps coupled with when they'd shared sleeping quarters during her hospital stay, Olivia realized that she'd developed a dependence of sorts on her former partner – a knowledge that rattled her unlike any other.
She didn't need anyone. Maybe at one point in her life, she had relied on Elliot more than any other man, but that was necessary for her survival on the job. He'd ultimately broken that trust when he'd left without so much as a backward glance, and while they were finding their footing again in terms of how to navigate a friendship outside of being partners and detectives, they still had a long way to go. While Olivia was willing to acknowledge that she had forgiven Elliot for what she perceived has his abandonment of her, the pain his departure had caused would not be forgotten as easily.
That was the conundrum in this whole situation, Olivia reasoned as she let the hot water cascade over her body. She wanted to let Elliot in more, knew he wanted to be more involved in her recovery. But there were so many things to consider. It went deeper than just the danger of upsetting the delicate balance they'd maintained for so many years – Elliot's sobriety was just at much at risk here as her own fragile state. If he were to relapse because she leaned on him too much, revealed more than he could handle, Olivia would never be able to forgive herself. Still, a part of her knew that she had to trust him to know his own limits, just like he was trusting her to know hers.
The water began to cool, and Olivia realized she'd been in the shower for longer than she had intended. She hurried to finish, then continued to rush through the rest of her routine. It was a bit of a struggle pulling on her leggings, as her skin was still damp, but she managed. Then Olivia did something surprising – even to herself. Instead of finding a long sleeve shirt like she'd taken to wearing, she slipped an old NYPD tee over her head. The shirt had once belonged to Elliot, a relic she'd kept when cleaning out his locker. Pairing it with a zip up hooded sweatshirt, Olivia made her way down the stairs at long last. She wasn't sure exactly what to expect from Elliot upon her return, maybe impatience, but instead she found him relaxing on the couch in the living room, reading something on his tablet.
"Sorry about that, Elliot, I didn't mean to take so long."
"No worries, Liv. Are you ready for breakfast?"
"Absolutely. Are you sure there isn't anything I can do to help?"
This was the second time Olivia had offered her assistance in preparing the morning meal, and though he had initially turned her down, Elliot didn't have the heart to refuse a second time.
"How about we split the duties? If you make a second pot of coffee and take care of the toast, I'll make the omelet and dish up the fruit salad."
"You've got a deal."
That morning's breakfast may well have been one of the easiest meals for Olivia to handle in ages. She wasn't sure of the exact reason for it, if it was perhaps due to the appetite stimulants she'd been taking, or because her mind was so preoccupied with everything from the day before, that eating was the least of her worries. No matter what the explanation, it was a welcome change for however long it lasted.
Now, she and Elliot were awaiting the arrival of the patio furniture they had ordered the other day, along with the grill. According to the tracking information on Elliot's phone, the items were both out for delivery, it was just a question of when they would be dropped off. Part of Olivia was craving a second cup of coffee, but she resisted the temptation, at least until she could talk to Dr. Hamil about it. Yesterday hadn't been a good opportunity for any discussion other than the immediate crisis at hand. It would be something to bring up at her next appointment, though. No sooner had the thought passed through Olivia's mind, than her phone rang, with the psychiatrist's name displayed on the screen.
"Hello? Yes, Dr. Hamil – excuse me, Lydia. Thank you for calling."
Olivia exchanged a glance with Elliot, wordlessly having a conversation. With a shake of her head, she answered his silent question, letting him know that it wasn't necessary for him to leave the room. If anything, she preferred the comfort of his presence. As an idea came to her, Olivia turned her attention back to the woman on the other end of the line, hoping her request wouldn't be viewed as inappropriate.
"Lydia, Elliot is here with me. Would it be all right if I put you on speaker so he can hear what is going on as well?"
"That is completely your choice, Olivia. I have no problem with it."
With the press of a button, and another exchange of greetings, Elliot joined in on the conversation a moment later. At first, Lydia had a few perfunctory questions to ask, such as whether or not Olivia had experienced any adverse effects from the mild sedative that had been administered the day before. The doctor's inquiry also included a curiosity as to how Olivia had slept the previous night, her appetite since the triggering incident in the plastic surgeon's office, and a few other necessary details.
Though she knew she should, Olivia couldn't bring herself to reply right away, but she also wasn't able to defer to her usual response of 'I'm fine', like she typically would. The familiar catchphrase she so often relied on most definitely did not apply to her current state of mind, to the point that Olivia felt like a fraud for even thinking the words, let alone uttering them. She knew, in the name of the honesty and fairness she had promised, that Lydia needed to know everything that had happened yesterday once she and Elliot had arrived back at the cottage, but the shame Olivia felt was still too great to even mention it. Worrying her lower lip between her teeth, she glanced at the man sitting next to her, hoping he would read the unasked plea in her eyes, and that Elliot would do for her what she couldn't do for herself. When Elliot took her hand in his own without a moment's hesitation, Olivia held back her sigh of relief and patiently waited for her former partner to speak.
"As you know, Lydia, yesterday was a rough day for Olivia all the way around. I'd like to say that once we got back home she was able to decompress some, but that just wasn't the case."
Olivia listened, frozen in place as Elliot detailed to her psychiatrist the events from the previous day. How distant she'd been on the drive back, and how after changing, he'd come downstairs only to find that she had slipped out into the rain and disappeared without word about where she was headed. In many ways, it felt to Olivia like she was hearing Elliot describe someone else's experiences as he explained the meltdown on the beach, the verbal outburst, the sheer exhaustion that had followed it all. The one thing that was surprising to Olivia was that her cheeks hadn't flushed with shame like she had expected them to. Instead, there was only a quiet resignation and acceptance as she eventually acknowledged that what had happened had been her reality.
"Olivia? Are you with us?"
Pulled back to the present by the calming sound of Lydia's accent calling her name, as well as Elliot gently squeezing her fingers in his own, Olivia focused her attention back on the call.
"I'm sorry, what did you ask?"
"I was asking what your thoughts were on everything that had happened yesterday. I know that must have been a lot to digest all at once, not to mention incredibly overwhelming."
This acknowledgment from the doctor caused a sensation of warmth to flood through Olivia. Not that Elliot had ever ignored her feelings, but it felt so incredibly freeing to have her emotions be validated, to be seen. To know that her fear wasn't just something made up inside her own head, that it was real, and justified, even if the man responsible for its genesis no longer walked this earth. Feeling shored up by this wave of support, Olivia dug deep to find the courage to speak exactly what was on her mind.
"Yesterday was the toughest day for me in awhile, probably since before I was admitted to the hospital. Everything came to a head all at once. Part of me feels guilty that I lashed out at Elliot the way that I did."
Sensing that Olivia wasn't finished speaking when she paused to take a breath, both Elliot and Lydia remained silent as they waited for her to finish.
"Not that I'm not still angry with him to a degree, but he wasn't the person I was mad at yesterday. If I think about it, I guess I really only feel anger with two people still, and one of them is dead. It's taking over my life, and I don't know how to move on from that. I'm letting myself be haunted by a ghost, and I'm losing myself in the process. That's why I'm angry. That's why I need your help. William Lewis still has control over me, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let him win."
After Olivia's vehement admission, a few seconds of silence lapsed before Lydia responded. It was, in fact, the most determined she'd heard her patient sound in the short time she had known the woman. The fierceness in Olivia's voice further proved to the psychiatrist that the police Sergeant was not only capable of reclaiming her life and moving forward with the healing process, but fully determined to do so. Now that some of Olivia's emotions were out in the open, it was time to go about addressing them. Her anger at William Lewis was not only justified, but also a given under the circumstances. It was the more subtle implication of Olivia's anger at herself that was more concerning at the moment. That was what Lydia wanted to address here and now.
"Olivia, can you tell me what it is that makes you hold anger toward yourself?"
Perhaps it was based on decades worth of having a wall built up around her emotions as means of self preservation, but Olivia's first instinct was to refuse to answer the doctor's question. Realistically, she knew it would serve no purpose, because in addition to Lydia, Elliot had also been a witness to her revelation only moments before. While the proverbial jury was still out in regard to how much Olivia trusted this new psychiatrist of hers, first impressions had been strong. Not to mention, Elliot was right by her side. All she would have to do was reach out, and he'd take her hand in his own and hold on tight. No matter what turmoil remained between them as a result of his betrayal two years prior, it didn't change the fact that he was still someone she trusted above all others in her life. So, with a shaky breath, and a brief prayer that her courage wouldn't fail her, Olivia closed her eyes and began to speak from the heart.
"Because I'm just as much to blame for what happened to myself as Lewis is."
Although things were changing between them in terms of physical contact, for the most part, Elliot still waited for Olivia to initiate a touch – especially when she was in this more fragile mental state. But after hearing that perceived herself to have an equal share of guilt in her abduction and trauma, he simply couldn't let that pass without offering her some semblance of comfort. Scooting a little closer, Elliot wrapped a tentative arm around Olivia's shoulders, and when she didn't protest, pulled her against his chest. He also didn't wait for Lydia to chime in with her opinion on the matter, instead relying on his own years of experience with SVU to console his former partner.
"No, Liv, no. You are not responsible for what happened to you, you did nothing wrong. You survived, and that is the only thing that matters."
Olivia had heard Elliot's words, but couldn't determine whether or not they had fully registered. After all, what he had said was a phrase she herself had repeated more often than not to countless survivors over the years. It was only now, as a victim of a traumatic attack herself, that the statement didn't resonate with the same level of positivity and hope as it had seemed to hold when she hadn't been on the receiving end of the affirmation.
"I never realized..."
Olivia let her voice trail off, unaware that she was speaking out loud, and that what she believed to be her own internal thoughts could be heard by both Elliot and Lydia. It wasn't until Elliot gently questioned her that she startled, remembering that she was not in fact, as alone as she felt.
"Never realized what, Liv?"
"What a fraud and a hypocrite I've been all these years. Pretending to understand and relate with people. I didn't understand anything about what they'd been through. I do now, though, and what I've learned? Being a survivor – it's a myth. What's the point of surviving if you still feel dead inside?"
Elliot opened his mouth to reply, worry etched on his features. Before he had a chance to say anything, a second concerned voice filled the room, this one coming from the speaker of the phone.
"I'm going to want to talk about that some more, Olivia. First off, I just need you to clarify for me what you mean by that. When you say you feel dead inside, have you had any recent thoughts about wanting to harm yourself or end your life? I know the two are quite different, but as your doctor, I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't ask the question."
To Olivia's surprise, she didn't find herself offended in the least by the query. The way it had been presented hadn't come across as accusatory in the slightest. If anything, there was empathy and understanding in the search for an answer. Perhaps it was that, combined with her newfound promise to herself, that prompted Olivia to be as honest as she possibly could.
"No. I don't want to hurt myself, and I definitely don't want to die. I meant what I said earlier, I'll be damned if I'm going to let William Lewis win. It's just that sometimes I'm at a loss of how to continue the fight."
Again, Elliot tried to say something, wanting to assure Olivia she wasn't alone in her battles, but for a second time, he was interrupted by the psychiatrist.
"That's what we're here, for, Olivia. To give you the tools and support you need to get through this. Now, as much as I hate to leave you, especially when I can sense you're feeling so vulnerable, I do have another patient scheduled to come in shortly."
Always one to put her own needs on the back burner, Olivia didn't hesitate to back down.
"That's all right, I understand."
Despite the acquiescence from the Sergeant, Lydia wasn't letting the subject drop that easily.
"It's not all right, Olivia, and I'm more than happy to give you as much time as you need. In fact, I have an opening tomorrow morning if you'd like to come in before the start of your group programs as opposed to keeping your appointment later in the day."
Knowing she wasn't capable yet of driving herself, Olivia glanced at Elliot to gauge his response, even though she already knew what his answer would be. Then, she surprised herself by taking the initiative a step further and telling Lydia just how uncomfortable the program made her, and that it didn't seem like a good fit.
"I'm glad you told me, Olivia. We can definitely discuss that tomorrow. If we decide that is something you don't want to continue with, we can find another solution to get you the treatment you need. A sense of awkwardness is one thing, but the point of this program is to help you feel better, not worse. It's not worth continuing if it's going to be a detriment to your mental health."
With that promise ringing in her ears, Olivia ended the call. She turned to Elliot, an apology already forming on her lips. Before she could utter a word, though, she found herself wrapped up in the safety of his arms. It wasn't that hugs from Elliot were foreign, but they hadn't really embraced to this extent since he had shown up on the doorstep of the cottage, a night that now seemed like a lifetime ago.
"I'm so proud of you Olivia. I know from experience that opening up like that isn't easy. I also know we still have a lot to work through, but I want you to know you aren't in this fight alone."
"Thanks, El. I really needed to hear that."
El.
The solitary syllable clung to the brunette's trembling lips. She'd spoken the nickname so rarely since Elliot's reappearance into her life, that the echo of it seemed to linger in the room with an air of reverence about it, like a ghost of the past had joined them. In many ways, it was as if one had. Though it hadn't been intentional on her part, Olivia had refrained from using the shortened version of her former partner's name, instead relying on calling him by the full Christian form that resided on his birth certificate and other forms of proper identification. While she hadn't included his surname when addressing him, she may as well have been doing so, Olivia reasoned. They hadn't been that formal with one another much beyond their first week of working together.
Surrendering to a more pensive train of thought, Olivia tried to put into words her explanation for keeping Elliot at arms length the way she had been doing. She didn't want to believe that the distance was some misguided attempt at punishing the man, she certainly hadn't intended to, but couldn't rule out the motives of her subconscious. Logic wasn't exactly her strong suit on the best of days lately, so trying to find a reason for her actions at all was complicated at best.
Complicated. As the word flashed through Olivia's brain with all the brilliance of a neon sign, she laughed out loud in spite of herself. While it had yet to be proven, a part of Olivia remained convinced that if she were to look up the word complicated in a dictionary, she would find a photograph of herself and Elliot in place of a more formal definition.
"Not that it isn't wonderful to see you smile, but care to share what has you so amused right now?"
The familiar timbre of Elliot's voice sounded next to her ear, reminding Olivia that his arms were still wrapped around her, albeit loosely. Typically, being brought back to her senses like this would cause Olivia to startle and attempt to retreat, but she remained where she was, relaxing even more into Elliot's gentle hold. Perhaps it was residual exhaustion from the day before, perhaps it was because Olivia was, in the most straightforward terms, simply exhausted. Choosing to ignore the obvious for the time being, Olivia found the words to answer the question she'd been asked.
"My thoughts were just running away from me again, as they so often do these days. At some random point, the idea of 'complicated' popped into my head, and I had this sudden vision of a picture of us showing up in a dictionary somewhere in place of a definition."
When he'd asked the question, Elliot hadn't been anticipating much of a response at all, let alone one as candid as the the reply he'd gotten. The main reason that had prompted him to ask in the first place had been out of concern, as he'd never force Olivia to talk about anything she was uncomfortable with. But, her comment had struck a chord in his own mind, taking him back through time nearly a decade to a conversation they'd had in the locker room of the old SVU precinct. Like now, that had been a period in their partnership when they'd walked on eggshells around one another. Emotions had come to a head during a particularly intense case, and in trying to tell her how he felt, he'd instead opened his mouth and inserted both feet in the process. As a result, he'd nearly lost Olivia – not just as partner, but as a friend, too. Elliot would never forget the day she came back to him, just like he would never forget the day he betrayed her by walking away after so many promises that he never would. The memory was enough to steal the breath from his body, but knowing Olivia deserved an answer, Elliot did his best to give her one.
"I don't doubt the truth in that statement, though the fault for that lies more with me than it does with you, and I know that. Despite our uncanny knack to know what the other was thinking when it came to perps, communication was never our – my – strong suit. I'm trying to get better, though."
Just as he had with hers, Olivia equally appreciated Elliot's candor. The fact that they could talk about their past issues was a comfort in an of itself, and offered a sense of hope that the current problems between them would be resolved eventually, as well. For the time being though, all discussion was tabled when there was a loud noise from outside that sounded like something being deposited on the step, followed by a knock on the door. Under normal circumstances, Olivia wouldn't have been as rattled, but given the events of the past two days, she couldn't help but startle slightly at the unexpected sound, only to admonish herself for having been so jumpy in the first place. As always, Elliot tried to reassure her without calling attention to the fact that her response had caused him concern.
"It's all right, Liv. I jumped, too. I wasn't expecting that knock just then, either. Shall we see if that's the packages we've been waiting for.?"
Grateful for the change in subject, Olivia nodded her agreement. Though she hadn't been aware that Elliot still held her in his arms, she missed the comfort and security the warmth of his body had provided the instant that he moved away. Trying not to dwell on those thoughts, Olivia followed Elliot to the door, where not just one, but several packages waited on their doorstep. It appeared that the description of the items they'd ordered hadn't been kidding when they noted that assembly would be required.
"Let me help you get that inside. I can't believe they just dropped it off like that and left."
"Liv, no. I don't want you lifting anything too heavy."
Olivia tried to draw herself up to her full height, but considering she was barefoot, she didn't come close to standing toe to toe with Elliot like she wanted. Even so, the glare she leveled on the man standing before her was quite the intimidating one, and must have convinced him of her determination. With a sharp exhale, Elliot was prepared to acquiesce, but not without setting a few conditions.
"Fine, Liv. You can help. Just promise me you won't hurt yourself, okay?"
"Deal."
Fifteen minutes had passed since their compromise, and now the living room of the cottage looked as though a tornado had passed through it. Olivia and Elliot were sitting in the middle of all the chaos as he tried to piece together the patio furniture, insisting that he didn't need to read the directions, and that he would manage just fine by looking at the pictures the manufacturer had provided. So far, all that had been accomplished had been the sorting out of necessary materials, and Elliot was still looking at the page of images as though they had been printed in a foreign language.
Meanwhile, Olivia had been observing from a few feet away, desperately trying not to laugh at her former partner's predicament. The more time that passed, the closer she came to losing the battle to her fit of giggles. A part of her mind began to wonder if this was how things had been in the Stabler household over the years, such as when cribs would need assembled for the little ones, maybe even putting together bikes for Christmas or birthday presents. With five children, Elliot certainly must have had his fair share of dealing with assembly, and there was one thing Olivia knew for certain, he would have insisted on doing it himself, just as he had now.
"Are you ready to let me help you yet?"
"I can do this, Liv."
The frustration in Elliot's voice was evident, and he'd barely begun on the project. To Olivia's surprise, she didn't take the comment personally, instead understanding completely the importance of needing to accomplish something on one's own. She knew Elliot wasn't trying to dismiss her or reject her offer of assistence. Instead, she reasoned it was because Elliot had been feeling his own sense of helplessness lately. However small the gesture, by putting together this furniture so they could spend more time outside, this was one tangible thing Elliot was able to do in order to contribute to Olivia's recovery. Yes, it was true he'd seen to all of her more basic needs – he was making sure she ate enough, and that she was getting to all of her appointments – but when it came to doing something to aid her mental health, Olivia knew that was an area where Elliot still felt like a fish out of water.
"I know you can, I never once doubted that. I just thought maybe we could do it together? Kind of like a team project?"
Blue eyes met brown, and Elliot's expression immediately softened. All the frustration seemed to evaporate in an instant, and it was as though the past few years melted away. Instead, they were transported back in time to a police precinct, poring over a case file that seemed near impossible to solve. With a smile at the woman sitting across from him, Elliot could think of only one thing to say.
"Partners, right?"
"Partners."
Reaching for the page of printed instructions that lay on the floor by his knee, Elliot scanned it briefly before passing it to Olivia. A look of concern crossed his features, and he began hurriedly sorting through the supplies that were scattered around them.
"Elliot, what is it?"
"I gave you the directions, but there have to be more. Those can't be the only ones! They aren't even in English!"
Skimming the page for herself, Olivia noticed that Elliot was in fact correct. A quick examination of the box the furniture parts had come in confirmed that the Spanish version of instructions were the only copy.
"Well, I guess it's a good thing that I happen to be fluent in Spanish, isn't it?"
Elliot was struck by yet another memory, more like several of them. Visions of Olivia sitting at a desk across from him, engaged in a phone conversation in Spanish. Times when she would Mirandize or even interrogate a suspect in a language other than English, and how it had never failed to impress him. He just hoped he could concentrate enough now on the task at hand instead of getting distracted by his partner's ability to be proficient in multiple languages.
"That is definitely a good thing."
Once a system had been established, and with Olivia not only reading the directions, but passing Elliot the necessary parts and tools as he needed them, the assembly ended up being a quick process. In no time at all, the futon, love seat, and chair had been put together. After a quick break to grab some water, the two side tables had followed. Now, all that was left was the grill and the fire pit, but there was another, more pressing matter at hand – lunch. In truth, both Olivia and Elliot had forgotten about it, until their stomachs both loudly growled in unison, a joint protest at having gone so long without food.
"Why don't we take another break? We'll get this furniture out to the patio so we have more room in here, then I'll heat up the takeout from last night so we have something to eat"
Elliot's suggestion sounded like music to Olivia's ears. Not only was she relieved to be included in helping to move the furniture, but the idea of eating was actually appealing.
"Sounds good."
Working as a team, they carried the furniture out piece by piece, though Olivia suspected Elliot was shouldering more than his fair share of the load. When he insisted on taking out the tables on his own, she didn't protest, instead offering to clean up the cardboard boxes that still littered the living room floor. If the weather hadn't been so chilly out, Olivia would have suggested they eat their lunch outside, but that could always wait for another day. At least if all went according to plan, they could break in their new grill tonight when Elliot cooked their dinner. It wasn't perfect, but it would be something, and the warmer weather would be arriving soon. That was what Olivia consoled herself with as she concentrated on her task.
Even though it had been the plan, they didn't get to putting the grill together immediately after lunch. Through no fault of their own, both Elliot and Olivia had dozed off on the couch for a brief nap, the morning having taken its toll. It was Elliot who woke first, and though he desperately needed a bathroom to relieve his aching bladder, he was reluctant to move at all. That was because, leaning against his shoulder was a still slumbering Olivia, and she looked the most peaceful he'd seen her in ages. In his mind, it was worth the discomfort to sit and wait so long as she remained undisturbed.
Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be as one of the cell phones on the coffee table began to vibrate preemptively just before starting to ring, and Elliot cursed the interruption. There was no way for him to grab the device in a hurry without jarring Olivia in the process, she was going to wake up regardless. However, when the actual ring tone did start, Elliot's annoyance evaporated when he noticed Owen's name on the display. Knowing that the neighbor was only calling to check on Olivia, there was no way Elliot could be angry at that.
"Hello?"
"Elliot, hello. I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
Had the caller been anyone else, Elliot would have dismissed the question with a white lie. But this was Owen, someone who not only understood what Olivia was dealing with, but in a short period of time had come to be considered a friend by both of them.
"Just waking up, actually. We had an unintentional nap after lunch."
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I never meant to disturb you. I know how hard it is for Olivia to get decent sleep."
"No worries. It's probably for the best anyway, if we'd have slept for much longer, we'd be wide awake all night."
Owen gave a sound that was like a hum of agreement, almost as if he were saying 'been there, done that'. A few seconds of quiet lapsed, but the silence wasn't an awkward one. Ultimately, Owen got to the point of his call.
"So, before she left this morning, Stacy was telling me that you had some packages delivered today, I'm guessing it was the grill and patio furniture you had ordered? I was wondering if you needed any help putting things together?"
"Thanks, man, but all that is left is the grill. Liv and I managed the rest earlier. I'll spare you the gory details, but all I will say is it's a good thing she's fluent in other languages besides English, or else I'd have been fluent in profanity."
Owen laughed, easily understanding what Elliot was trying to say.
"I get it. I swear they always make those instructions more complicated than they have to."
"Tell me about it."
Owen cleared his throat again, not really wanting to delve into a more serious topic, but his concern winning out over the sake of propriety.
"How is Olivia doing?"
Elliot turned to his right, glancing at the woman in question. She was looking back at him with a raised eyebrow. Based on her expression, Elliot could tell that she had gleaned exactly who he was talking to, and he silently asked her the question with his eyes, to which she nodded.
"Why don't you ask her yourself?"
Olivia took the phone then, bringing it to her ear. When she spoke, her voice was soft, but strong.
"Hey, Owen."
"Olivia. How are you doing?"
That was a loaded question if there ever was one, and they both knew it. However, they also each knew the true meaning behind the query, and the concern it was based upon. That was what prompted Olivia to make a truthful answer.
"I'm hanging in there."
"Some days, that's all you can do. You just need to remind yourself that when that happens, you're doing enough."
"Thank you. I still need to hear that sometimes, because I don't always believe it."
"Let us know whenever you do, and either Elliot or I will remind you."
Olivia had a thought then, an impulsive one. She asked Owen to hold on for a second, then covered up the mouthpiece of the phone while she whispered to Elliot something in confidence. His features didn't betray his feelings one way or the other about how he felt about the matter, the only thing he said was that the decision was up to her. More determined than ever, Olivia turned her attention back to the man on the other end of the line.
"Owen? Would you like to come over for dinner tonight? If we get it put together in time, Elliot's going to break in our new grill."
"Actually, I'd love to. Stacy is out of town on a girls trip, and the kids are on Spring Break visiting their grandparents, so I'm here all on my own. It's no fun cooking for just one person. Do you need me to bring anything?"
Even though the question had been anything but humorous, Olivia couldn't help but laugh.
"I'm the wrong person to be asking that. I'll put you back on with Elliot, and the two of you can iron out the details. See you later, Owen."
"Bye, Olivia."
Olivia passed the phone back to Elliot, then excused herself from the room. Though the prospect of someone joining them for dinner wasn't a daunting one, she didn't want to take any chances. The last thing she needed was to get overwhelmed from overhearing the plans of who was bringing what. She was proud of her accomplishments with food today so far, and she didn't want to backslide in any way. She couldn't afford to.
Much later that evening, Olivia and Elliot were sitting on the patio, enjoying their new furniture. Thanks to Owen's help earlier, they had not only been able to use the grill to cook their dinner, but now had a cozy fire burning in the pit that was in front of them. To Olivia's right sat a mug of steaming hot chocolate, a rare indulgence from the chamomile tea the usually drank.
Olivia and Elliot sat side by side on the futon, their shoulders brushing even though Olivia herself was cocooned in a fleece blanket. She wouldn't exactly say that she was cold, the fire doing its job of evading the chill in the air, but it was more the sense of comfort of being ensconced in the fabric than anything else. While Olivia was quiet in that she wasn't talking to Elliot, her mind was anything but. Inside her head, the thoughts swirled and danced, all vying for attention. She wouldn't call them troubling or haunting, more pensive than anything. To help make sense of what was going on, Olivia tried to recount the events of the past few hours.
Owen had arrived about thirty minutes after the phone call, bringing with him a pie from a local bakery for dessert. It had been the one thing that Elliot had relented on, otherwise insisting that everything else was taken care of. Together, the two men had assembled the fire pit and the grill, with Olivia standing by to supervise and read instructions as necessary. When they were finished, it hadn't taken long to connect the propane and get the grill set up outdoors.
The preparation of dinner itself ended up being a group effort, with Elliot grilling the steaks while Olivia monitored the potatoes that were baking in the microwave. While all that had been going on, Owen had kept himself busy by preparing a salad and slicing a fresh baguette that had been delivered with the groceries that morning.
Even though it was the first time that the three of them had eaten together, Olivia had shared a meal with Owen before, in particular the time he had kept her company for lunch when she had been in the hospital. So, even though she still harbored a few reservations when it came to food, she wasn't uncomfortable eating in his presence. As it was, much of the conversation during dinner had been monopolized by the men, although they had not intentionally excluded Olivia. It was more a matter of them getting to know one another better, learning more about their families and shared military background. Elliot and Olivia also took the opportunity to explain to Owen more about their partnership and the depth of their connection.
As tempting as it had looked, no one was ready for any of the lemon meringue pie Owen had brought immediately after eating all the savory food. Instead, they decided to pass the time by playing some cards. The game was a simple gin rummy, although Olivia promised once she was feeling more like herself that she would beat both Elliot and Owen in a game of poker. She hadn't been able to resist the challenge once she'd heard the two men trash talking one another, even if they had been joking.
As the memories of the afternoon and evening began to ebb and fade, they gradually gave way to the darker images, the events of that morning started to take shape. Olivia remembered not just the phone conversation with Lydia, but the reminder that she had yet to talk to Elliot about the feelings of resentment that she still held against him.
Sometimes, it seemed to Olivia as though there weren't enough time in a day to do everything she needed to, when at others she found herself counting the hours until she could find her solace in the safety of her room. She'd like to say that sleep was an escape, but that hadn't been the case for many years, since even before William Lewis entered her life.
The mere thought of that monster's name was enough to cause Olivia to shiver visibly, and even though she was not conscious of it, Elliot was immediately aware. She didn't flinch when he took his own blanket that had been draped over his legs and added it to the one that already covered her. If Olivia could have read Elliot's mind, she would know that although part of him wants to suggest they move inside, he could see from the look in her faraway gaze that she was lost in thought. She would also be thankful of the fact that her former partner is able to decipher that her breathing was still even, and that she was showing no outward signs of being in distress. Because of this, Elliot chose to leave Olivia be.
But Olivia was not aware of these things, instead she was lost inside her own mind. Now her brain was somewhere on the subject of forgiveness, but instead of keeping things simple, it was instead supplying words of a much more complicated nature. She was taken back to her childhood, to her school days even, when her mother would stress the importance of a strong vocabulary. Forgiveness morphed into absolution, atonement, penitence, and then finally into expiation.
It was no secret that Elliot had been seeking her forgiveness since the night he came back into her life. From the moment he set foot in Cape May, his every effort had been not only to offer his steadfast support, but an attempt to atone for what he perceived to be the ultimate sin by walking away without a word two years prior. She did need to forgive Elliot, but that was something Olivia couldn't bring herself to do just yet, even though it weighed heavily on her heart.
Lydia's phone call came back to Olivia's mind then, in particular something the psychiatrist had said in response to a comment about Lewis. It was the fact that she felt dead inside, that the Beast was still winning, even if Olivia was determined not to let him. Because truth of the matter was, until she could pinpoint the cause, that feeling wasn't going anywhere. Suddenly, realization dawned, like an epiphany.
She was going about this healing process completely backwards. No wonder she wasn't getting any better. It didn't matter right now if Olivia ever forgave Joseph Hollister for raping her mother, or Serena for her drinking and years of physical and emotional abuse. It didn't matter if she forgave Simon for always bringing trouble on her doorstep anytime he came into her life. Even Elliot - her best friend and partner for thirteen years – could wait a little bit longer to receive her forgiveness.
What had finally, blessedly, become crystal clear was one undeniable truth. Olivia Benson needed to forgive herself. It wasn't just guilt she was carrying, it was blame. Blame for not having been able to recognize the danger when she should have, blame for not having been able to put a stop to it before things got too far. Even blame for having let her rage get the best of her instead of putting a stop to Lewis' reign of terror in the beach house like she should have done in the first place. Olivia wasn't sure exactly where to begin in the journey toward self forgiveness, but maybe with Elliot's – and Lydia's – help tomorrow, she could take a step in the right direction.