Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
Olivia stood under the steady stream of the shower, willing the hot water to help make her more alert. With so much weighing on her already heavy mind, having had yet another restless night hadn't helped matters any. Although Olivia knew she would miss the routine, it was probably for the best that she and Elliot wouldn't be going for a walk this morning, having decided instead to head to town early. The plan was to grab breakfast at the diner near the hospital before her appointment with Dr. Hamil, then wait and see what the events of that meeting meant for how the rest of their day would play out.
Knowing that she couldn't delay the inevitable, and that she would have to get dressed eventually, Olivia shut off the water and pushed back the curtain. As she carefully stepped out onto the rug, she wrapped a fluffy towel around her body. She wasn't in danger of being late, but she couldn't dawdle, either. Luckily, she had planned ahead and set out the clothes she wanted to wear before going to bed the night before.
Fifteen minutes later – a bit longer than her usual time getting ready, but she had wanted to blow dry her hair and apply a touch of make up – Olivia joined Elliot downstairs. He was waiting patiently for her, ready to go whenever she was. After helping Olivia into her jacket, the pair made their way out the door. In no time at all, they were settled in Elliot's SUV and headed toward town.
In town, Elliot easily found parking outside the diner. Once they were inside, he quickly spotted a booth in the back, much to Olivia's relief. Sitting with her back against the wall, having an open view of the door and anyone who entered or left the establishment went a long way in alleviating her anxieties. This was her first time eating in a restaurant since her attack, and while she was nervous, Olivia knew she couldn't avoid it forever. Ever observant when it came to his partner, Elliot questioned her softly, even though there was more than enough noise around them that the likelihood of his voice carrying was slim.
"Liv? Are you sure you're okay with eating here? We can always get takeout and eat in the car if you're not comfortable with this."
"I'm fine."
Elliot said nothing to dispute Olivia's response, but his quirked eyebrow was enough to convey to the woman sitting across from him that he had his doubts. Once she'd realized that she'd deflected to her standard reply, Olivia smiled in spite of herself.
"I mean it, El. Am I nervous? Of course I am. But the bottom line is I feel safe, especially knowing that you're here with me."
Elliot squeezed Olivia's hand once before letting go, reaching for the menus behind the salt and pepper shakers at the end of their table. Passing one to his partner, they both began to scan the laminated pages. To Olivia's relief, in addition to the suggested meals that were listed, there was a selection of a la carte items to order from, where she could customize a breakfast of her own choosing. It was the perfect option for someone who either had trouble making up their mind, or in Olivia's case, difficulty with appetite issues.
"Good morning. Can I start you two off with something to drink while you look over our menu? Some coffee perhaps?"
Olivia glanced to her side to see an older woman standing by their table. The name tag on her shirt read 'Doris'. Though she knew she couldn't say anything outright to her dining companion, Olivia felt a sense of warmth fill her, as the server reminded her of Bernie, Elliot's mother. She'd only ever met the Stabler family matriarch on one occasion years before, but the woman had left a lasting impression.
"I'll just have a large orange juice, please."
"Sure thing. What about you, dear?"
Belatedly, Olivia realized that Elliot had already given his answer and now it was her turn. As much as she enjoyed her morning coffee, she knew that caffeine right now would be a bad decision indeed. Instead, Olivia opted to copy her partner's choice of beverage.
"I'll have the same."
"No problem. Two large OJ's coming right up. I'll be right back to get your orders."
A few minutes later, Olivia and Elliot were sipping their juices while waiting for their food to be served. It hadn't escaped Olivia's attention that Elliot had a pensive expression on his face, and she had a pretty good idea why. Desperately in need of a distraction herself, she decided she would try and pick his brain.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
Elliot offered a halfhearted smile, followed by a shake of his head. It was a poor attempt to dismiss Olivia's concerns, and they both knew it.
"Don't worry about me, Liv. You've got enough on your plate this morning."
"Elliot, it's not a contest. I know I'm a complete mess, but that doesn't mean I can't be there for you just as much as you've been there for me. Friendship is a two-way street, you know."
Nodding to concede her point, Elliot tried to find the best way to phrase what he wanted to say.
"It's Doris. She reminds me of someone, that's all."
"Your mother? I picked up on that, too."
This time, Elliot didn't even try to conceal his surprise. While it wasn't unusual for Olivia to be able to read his mind, as far as he was aware, she'd never even met his mother. How on earth would she be able to tell if Doris favored her or not?
"How -"
"It's a secret I've always hated keeping from you, but Bernie made me promise I'd never tell. In light of everything that's happened, I don't think she'd get mad now."
"Tell me, Liv."
And so she did. As they sat eating their breakfast, Olivia told Elliot the whole story. How she not only saved his daughter that day, but his family as a whole. That hadn't even been the first time – or the last. Olivia had always been there to save him whenever he'd needed her. Elliot couldn't help but feel the resurgence of guilt that swept over him from time to time since he and Olivia had been reunited. She had always been there for him. But, where was he when the chips had fallen and she had been depending on him the most? Nowhere to be found. He'd failed her completely, and yet she still trusted him and wanted him by her side. Just as he often had when they were partners, Elliot wondered what he had done in a past life to make himself worthy of a friend like Olivia, and vowed that he would do whatever it took to make sure she knew he would never hurt her again.
A short while later, with a full belly and a bundle of nerves, Olivia sat with Elliot by her side in the waiting room of Dr. Hamil's office. She wasn't entirely certain as to the root of her anxiety, as she wasn't uncomfortable with Lydia. If anything, this was the most comfortable she'd been with a psychiatrist in a patient setting in her entire adult life.
The reception area was quiet at this early hour, Olivia and Elliot the only two people waiting to be called back. Torn between wanting her friend there for the duration of the appointment and wanting to discuss some things with Lydia in private, Olivia turned to Elliot. Even though she knew he wouldn't be offended by what she was about to say, that didn't stop the fear from nagging at her. They were still trying to get on an even footing with one another, the last thing Olivia needed was for Elliot to think that she was trying to shut him out.
"I think I'd like to go back by myself for a bit today, if that's okay?"
"Of course Liv. You don't need my permission. You're the one calling the shots here. I'll do whatever makes you the most comfortable. If that means sitting in on a session, or giving you your privacy, all you need to do is let me know."
Olivia was about to answer when she heard Lydia call her name. Getting to her feet, she turned to walk toward the hallway that led to the offices, glancing back over her shoulder at Elliot as she did so. With his reassuring nod, Olivia steadied her steps and headed in the direction where the psychiatrist was waiting for her.
"I've decided I'm going to come back on my own for a bit. It's still all right if we call in Elliot later on in the visit though, right?"
"That is absolutely your decision, Olivia. Elliot is welcome to join us whenever you give your consent for him to be there."
Feeling more at ease, Olivia gave Elliot a brief smile before following her doctor down the hallway. Once they were settled in Lydia's office the younger of the two women offered her patient something to drink, which Olivia declined.
"No, thank you. We just came from breakfast, and I'm still full."
"You had breakfast out? I know that must have been a big step for you. How did that go?"
Olivia was relieved that they were easing into conversation by talking about something trivial, like breakfast, even if her first meal out at a restaurant since her second assault was anything but a mundane event. Then again, in the short period of time that she'd known Dr. Hamil, Olivia had recognized that the psychiatrist had her own method of doing things, and ambushing someone with questions they weren't ready for was not one of them.
"It went better than I expected. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but yesterday and today I've been pretty proud of myself in regard to how I've been handling my battles with eating. I know I'm not over the hurdle just yet, but I'd like to think I'm heading in the right direction toward having a healthier relationship with food."
"That's good to hear, Olivia. I know we haven't known each other for long, but we have discussed that topic some. You survived not just one, but two major traumas, ones in which you lost your ability to have control. It's understandable right now that your psyche and your body would be waging a war of sorts to fight for whatever type of control they can have. In your instance, it has manifested with your diet. Some people may become insomniacs, others sleep too much. Then there are those who use exercise as a coping mechanism. It's different for everybody."
The explanation made sense. Olivia remembered her own penchant for running when she had first arrived in Cape May, and the way the excessive workouts had not meshed well with her poor appetite and nutritional intake. Logically, she knew she had nothing to be ashamed of, but the fact that Elliot – and Owen – had been the ones to find her in such a vulnerable position was something that Olivia still berated herself for, even if the memories of the actual event itself were fleeting.
"Something tells me that isn't what is on your mind, Olivia."
Once again, Lydia's intuition had proven correct. While it was no secret that there were a litany of things circling around Olivia's brain – she remained convinced her internal thoughts were a veritable minefield – what she had just been thinking about was far from the most troubling. No, what was still weighing the most heavily was the epiphany from the previous evening. A revelation so stunning that Olivia was too embarrassed to admit to it in Elliot's presence, and felt equally as awkward mentioning to her doctor – a trusted mental health professional.
"No. What I wanted to talk to you about – besides what was mentioned yesterday on the phone – is something that occurred to me last night."
"What's that Olivia?"
Olivia took a deep breath and exhaled shakily. Unsure of what to do with her hands and feeling the need to have some kind of movement lest otherwise she'd go insane, she began to wring her hands in her lap, and her knee began to bounce involuntarily. If Lydia had noticed these outward demonstrations of nerves, she made no comment on them, instead waited patiently for her patient to explain.
"I had come to the realization that one of the main things holding me back in my recovery process – besides the obvious physical and emotional healing that I need to do – is the issue of forgiveness."
A fleeting look of concern flashed over Lydia's features. Had she not been so accustomed to dealing with the subject herself from her time at SVU, Olivia might have missed it, but she recognized the expression easily. Moreover, she was able to quickly decipher the meaning behind it and rushed on with her explanation to avoid any misunderstanding.
"I want to make it clear. I do not now – nor have I ever – believed that William Lewis is worthy or even deserving of forgiveness. What he did, not just to me, but to everyone he terrorized only proves that his actions are beyond redemption. The only emotion I feel toward that monster is hatred, and I hope that he is burning in hell where he belongs. I hope that someday, I can heal enough to move on to a point of apathy where he is concerned, and he will no longer wield even that much power over me – but for now, today, I hate him with ever fiber of my being."
"That is not only a perfectly understandable reaction, Olivia, but a healthy one. Can you tell me, then, why it is you were so focused on the topic of forgiveness?"
Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. She hadn't anticipated the conversation being this difficult, although perhaps she should have. Maybe it hadn't been the best idea after all to have asked Elliot to wait in the reception area while she came in here alone. No – she could do this. She needed to do this.
"Because I still blame myself. It's me. I'm the person who needs forgiveness, and I have no idea how to grant it – or even where to start. I've been carrying so much guilt for so long, and I can't do it anymore. It's gotten too heavy, and I don't want to bear the burden any longer. But at the same time, I know it's not fair to shift the weight onto anyone else, either."
While she hadn't been freed entirely from the onus she was carrying, Olivia found that just giving voice to it alone had been very liberating indeed. For the time being at least, breathing was just a little bit easier, and though her eyes were brimming with unshed tears, there was no shame behind them. Glancing at the psychiatrist who was still watching her intently, Olivia waited for a response. What she got in return was a dose of truth that she wasn't necessarily expecting, but definitely needed to hear.
"That is a big step in the right direction, Olivia, and I'm proud of you for coming to that conclusion. We can definitely work on that journey toward self forgiveness in our sessions and make it a priority. There is one thing that concerns me though. I'm guessing that the reason why you didn't want Elliot in here while you talked wasn't because you were trying to protect yourself, but because you were trying to protect him. Is it that difficult for you to let someone else take care of you?"
Silence resonated in the space between Olivia and Lydia after the latter had posed that oh-so-complicated question to her patient. For the span of several seconds, Olivia wasn't even certain that she was still breathing. It was only when she began to feel her heart beat in her chest, keeping time with the ticking of the second hand of the clock on the wall that she realized that she was still among the living. A myriad of emotions were coursing through her, but surprisingly, anger was not among them. If anything, the foremost one of the bunch was a feeling of resignation.
Although it wasn't something that she regularly chose to broadcast, Olivia knew she would need to have a conversation with Lydia detailing the events that had led to her conception and birth – something that could be delayed no longer. She hadn't intentionally been keeping the psychiatrist in the dark, it was just a topic that was hard for Olivia to reflect on, and more difficult still to talk about. But, if she had any hope at all of trying to overcome the intensity of everything that was holding her back, Olivia knew that meant addressing all of the demons that haunted her, and not just the ones from more recent times.
"Simply put, the answer to your question is 'yes'. The more intricate answer is that I've been taking care of myself for as long as I can remember, so passing that responsibility on to someone else – or even asking for help – is a foreign concept to me."
Once again, Lydia's skill at keeping her expression impassive served to her advantage. As gifted as she was at reading people, Olivia could not even begin to gauge what the other woman was thinking. It wasn't an unsettling feeling, though, because anything was preferable to seeing a look of pity. Or, the one of disgust that was sure to follow once Olivia confessed the truth behind her parentage.
"I didn't have what could be described as a 'normal' childhood. My own mother didn't even want me, though I'd like to think that she did love me, in her own way. The alternative – believing that she really did hate me as much as she claimed to during her drunken stupors is just too much to bear."
Lydia absorbed this information, again without passing judgment. However, the question that followed – while a logical one – was also inadvertently one of Olivia's greatest triggers, even if she had somehow managed to convince herself otherwise over the years.
"And what about your father? What was your relationship like with him?"
Olivia barked a laugh, but there was no humor behind it. If anything, there were notes of hatred behind the harsh sound, conveying a depth of emotion even though the brunette had not uttered a single syllable.
"My father – not that he is deserving of the title – was the man who raped my mother. I only discovered his identity as an adult because I ran my DNA through the database, and found out I had a half brother in the process. I never even got to confront him for what he'd done, because by the time I'd met my brother Simon, Joseph Hollister had already been dead for several years."
Lydia opened her mouth, but didn't get the chance to speak, because Olivia wouldn't be deterred. Decades worth of animosity, bitterness and shame were being expunged, quite literally rolling off the woman in waves, not unlike the tears that were currently cascading down her cheeks.
"You want to know the real kicker? I got to meet his wife, and even though she was in the late stages of Alzheimer's she was still coherent enough to recognize my name. Apparently she remembered it from articles her husband had kept. Simon found them once, and brought them to me. Bastard knew about me my whole life and still acted like I never existed – even though he spent plenty of time keeping track of me, as though he was proud of me or something? How messed up is that?"
Sensing Olivia still wasn't done, Lydia remained quiet, but silently passed her patient a box of tissues. The offer was accepted with wordless gratitude as Olivia dabbed uselessly at her eyes as she continued to weep openly.
"So now you can understand why my mom hated my very existence. I was a living reminder of the worst experience of her life. Alcohol was her escape. In the end, it was also what killed her."
"How -"
"She was drunk one day and tripped going down the subway steps. The fall killed her instantly."
"I'm sorry, Olivia."
Olivia shivered involuntarily as the memories washed over her. It had been ages since she'd thought about her mother's death, since that day she had been called into Don's office to find a uniformed officer waiting. At first, she hadn't thought anything of it, and had launched into her thoughts on the case she and Elliot had been working at the time. But something about Don's expression had halted Olivia in her tracks. Looking back on it now, Olivia supposed that a part of her would always be grateful that it was her Captain who had broken the terrible news. Although she doesn't think she'll ever forget the look of concern and pity in his eyes when she'd made the connection that her mother had lost the battle with her demons.
Then there had been Elliot. Even though their partnership had still been fairly young at the time, it hadn't stopped him from trying to take care of her. Not only did he show up at the funeral home for the entire duration of the viewing and the service as well, but he'd made it his mission for an entire week to try and make sure that his partner was eating and sleeping. Olivia was certain that had it not been for his wife and kids at home, he'd have camped out at her apartment full time.
As Olivia reflected on that moment in her and Elliot's shared past, she relayed it to Lydia, who was still listening just as intently and patiently as she had been from the beginning of the session. With this new bit of information, the psychiatrist interjected briefly to offer a comment.
"So, Elliot has always looked out for you."
"He's a protector, it's in his nature. I've never felt anything but safe with him."
Olivia's tone of voice had altered, switching from something that was troubled and tormented to sounding almost fierce in nature. Even her body language had changed, the way she carried herself. There was a fire in her eyes that Lydia hadn't seen before. This proved to be very telling. By what the Doctor had witnessed so far, Olivia may as yet be unable to stand up for her own thoughts and actions, still viewing herself as weak somehow. But, when it came to her partner, she was ready to be his champion, determined to defend him at a moment's notice.
"I wasn't insinuating otherwise. Obviously the two of you share a bond of trust that goes above and beyond anything I've ever seen between two people before. I'm sure that comes from not only your connection as partners on the job, but the link that you've built in your personal lives as well."
Once Olivia realized that, not she, but that Elliot wasn't being judged, she exhaled the breath that she had been holding. Her own issues with Elliot aside, she wasn't about to let anyone speak unkindly about him, no matter who they were. No matter what bridges still needed mending between them, he was – first and foremost – her partner.
Gathering her resolve, Olivia came to a decision. Whether or not she should have reached this conclusion more than thirty minutes prior when they first arrived here at the office, she's uncertain, but that can't be changed. All that mattered right now was having Elliot by her side. She was hiding from him for all the wrong reasons. It wasn't the time to indulge her pride, not when so much was at stake.
"You're right. That's why I'd like to ask Elliot to come back and join us now, if that's okay."
After a brief break – Lydia had gone out to retrieve Elliot, Olivia had ducked into a nearby restroom to splash some water on her face – the three were all reconvened in the psychiatrists office. Even though she had deliberately tried to compose herself for his sake, Olivia was aware that Elliot could tell that she'd been crying. It wasn't that she was ashamed of her tears, it was more rooted in her own self loathing toward showing any vulnerability at all, even in front of someone she trusted as much as him. But it was time to step away from those old insecurities, and while Olivia wasn't necessarily ready to start wearing her heart on her sleeve, she knew that she did need to be a bit more open with the man she was sharing living space with. It didn't matter how connected they were, and how often they had been able to intuit one another in the past, when it came down to it, Elliot wasn't a mind reader, and neither was she. If they were going to make any progress together, it would have to be through actual communication. This was as fine a time as any to start.
Before Olivia had a chance to say anything, though, Elliot was already at least two steps ahead. It made the brunette wonder if she hadn't second guessed her partner's ability to read her mind after all. Because while he was obviously concerned about whatever had transpired in the room prior to his appearance, Elliot wasn't about to break the sacred bond between psychiatrist and patient, nor would he ever insinuate otherwise that either of them should speak about what had happened. He knew that was entirely up to Olivia should she decide to share, and he'd never pry.
"I'm not going to insult you by asking if everything is okay, Liv, because that would probably be the dumbest question to ever exist. So instead, I'll just say that I'm here now, just like I promised I would be if you needed me. Whatever you have to say, I'll listen."
Despite the gravity of what she had already discussed with Lydia, and the seriousness of the conversation yet to come, Olivia couldn't help but smile at Elliot's comment. She had never been one to pass up the opportunity to call him out on his bullshit, and now he'd practically painted a target on his own back – there was no way she could let it slide.
"If you had said something stupid, it wouldn't have been the first time, and I highly doubt it will be your last. All that aside, it's good to see you're learning before opening your mouth and inserting both feet at the same time."
Lydia allowed the two to have their moment, before diverting the conversation back on track. There were only another twenty minutes left in the session, and so much left to cover. It felt like it would never be enough time for Olivia to discuss everything she'd intended to, so she instead she jumped ahead to the third heaviest weight that was pulling her down – the prospect of the group therapy. While it was also imperative that she mention her need for self forgiveness, Olivia was a realist. She knew that something like that wasn't going to happen in a day. But the thought of having to sit through hour upon hour of the intensive groups was just too much to think about.
"One of the reasons I asked for Elliot to be here right now is because I'd like to talk about discontinuing the group sessions, and I value his input as much as yours. I'm not opposed to more intensive therapy, and I'm willing to put in time with workbooks or whatever it takes, it's just that being with other people is too overwhelming right now."
Even though he wasn't sitting that far away from her, Elliot held out his hand to Olivia, offering it in a show of silent support. When she placed her palm in his and interlaced their fingers, he squeezed gently.
"Liv, you have to know, that whatever decision you make, I will back you one hundred percent. I only want you to do what is best for your recovery. I haven't mentioned much about it – partly because we haven't really talked – but all I can say is that I wish I had been more open to therapy. Not just after Jenna, but at so many different times in the past."
"Start now."
At first, Olivia wasn't even aware that she had said the words out loud. It wasn't until she realized that both Lydia and Elliot were watching her with looks of confusion that she understood what had happened. Worried that her statement might be misinterpreted as an evasion on her part to get out of her own need for therapy, she hurried to clarify.
"What I mean is, come to counseling with me. We both know we have our shit to sort through, what better way to do it than with a mediator present? Otherwise, we're just going to keep avoiding the important things, or worse, fight about it when we need each other the most."
"I'm not saying 'no', but what I don't want to do is take away from the time you need for yourself."
The two faced off for a span of about thirty seconds, a silent battle of wills passing between them. It wasn't until Lydia's voice broke through the tension in the air that the pair even remembered that they hadn't been alone in the room.
"If I may interject something for a moment?"
Though neither Elliot nor Olivia uttered a word, they both looked at the psychiatrist expectantly, curious as to what the woman had to say.
"This is the second time you've mentioned feeling uncomfortable in the group setting, the first being during our phone call yesterday morning. As I stated then, I don't want you to feel so out of place in your treatment that it becomes a detriment to your health as opposed to something that is meant to be beneficial. If you'd prefer, we can discontinue the group therapy for the time being, and find another alternative."
"Are you serious?"
Olivia was incredulous. She hadn't meant to sound so shocked, and a part of her hoped that Lydia wasn't offended by her reaction. It had just been her experience thus far in her trauma recovery to not have her own wants and needs be listened to. That hadn't been the case since Lydia had taken over her care, though, and Olivia admonished herself for not having spoken up sooner.
"I am. I'd be willing to see you in my office two days a week, and we can work together on one of the workbooks you mentioned having an interest in. Also, if you'd like, I would be open to having one of those days, or even part of the time to counsel both of you together in joint sessions."
Now, it was Elliot's turn to ask a question.
"That wouldn't be a conflict of interest for you?"
"No. I'm already somewhat familiar with you, Elliot, as you've sat in on several of Olivia's sessions, and you are welcome to continue to do, with her consent. Not to mention, I'm keeping in mind what her trust level would be like, and that letting in yet another mental health professional so soon might be difficult. But, if at any time anyone should decide it has become an uncomfortable situation with me seeing you both in a joint session, I can refer you to someone else."
Once again, Elliot and Olivia exchanged a glance and silent conversation. The look in Elliot's steel blue eyes held more questioning and concern than the more beseeching gaze behind Olivia's, but ultimately the pair reached a consensus. Yes, this was something that they both needed.
"Okay. Now that that is settled, how about I schedule you for Tuesday and Thursday next week? Did you want the same time as today, early morning? Or would you prefer afternoon?"
This was something Olivia had no hesitation in answering.
"Later in the morning, if you have it. Or, early afternoon. We like to go for a walk when we first get up."
"Not a problem. How does eleven sound?"
"Perfect."
From the corner of her eye, Olivia noticed that Elliot was entering the information into the calendar of his phone at the same time that Lydia was setting the schedule on her tablet. When the psychiatrist passed her the reminder card for the appointment, she closed her fingers around it, feeling the corners of the paper card stock poke into her palm.
"We have a few minutes left before we have to wrap up for today. Is there anything else you need to talk about, Olivia?"
"There is actually, and I hate to drop such a big bomb at a time like this, but maybe it could set the stage for the next session?"
Concerned for her patient, who looked more troubled than she had earlier when talking about her mother, Lydia leaned forward in her seat ever so slightly.
"What is it, Olivia?"
"I had a revelation of sorts last night. Do you remember how on the phone yesterday I said something about what the point of surviving was if you still felt dead inside?"
"I remember."
Olivia exhaled, feeling the tears well up again. She knew she couldn't look at Elliot right now, because she'd definitely cry if she did, and that's the last thing she wanted right now.
"It dawned on me that one of the reasons I feel like that is because I still carry so much guilt over what happened. Not just with William Lewis, but my entire life. It goes back to what I was telling you earlier. Some days, I think I actually blame myself for even existing in the first place. I understood that I'm never going to get better without forgiveness. Not for any of the people who have ever hurt me, but for myself. I just realized that I've hated myself for so very long, I have no idea how or when to even start."
Lydia's empathetic heart ached for her patient. She was witnessing Olivia at the most raw she'd ever seen her, and hated that this session had to come to a close. But just when she thought she was sending Olivia into a weekend of more torment, it was Elliot who stepped up and saved the day. It made the psychiatrist wonder just how many years these two had been saving one another.
"Whether or not you know it, Liv, you've already started. As for how, we'll do it together. I understand this needs to be your journey, but I'm not letting you walk it alone."
Olivia had been silent for most of the ride, and Elliot hadn't been about to force her into conversation of any kind. In his mind, she had spent the past hour pouring out her heart and soul, and needed a reprieve from talking in general. That was why he shared Olivia's relief that Lydia had agreed to allow her to discontinue the group sessions, and that they were headed back to the cottage together. Elliot still wasn't sure what joint therapy with Olivia would look like come the following week, but as he'd promised, he was fully committed to participating.
Once they had arrived back home, and were safely inside, Olivia turned to Elliot. Before she even said a word, he could easily pick up on the exhaustion that was evident in her features, and knew that the brunette intended to go upstairs and lie down for awhile. But what Elliot hadn't anticipated was the brief discussion that followed.
"I think I need to go and rest, maybe decompress for a bit. Do you have any plans?"
"Not really. I'm not tired, but I won't say no to relaxing. Maybe I'll read for a bit."
Olivia gnawed on her lower lip, wondering if she even had a right to ask what was at the forefront of her mind. Deciding it wasn't anything improper, she forged ahead, hoping her request wouldn't be misinterpreted.
"Could you – would you mind bringing your book in and staying with me while you read? I have every intention on napping, but I really don't want to be alone right now."
Elliot didn't even hesitate before giving his response.
"Of course not. Did you want me to make you a cup of tea to help you settle, or would you rather just try and sleep?"
The fact that Elliot wasn't making a big deal about what she had asked of him put Olivia a bit more at ease, enough that she was able to accept the offer of tea without overthinking things. Then, she headed upstairs so she could get changed into more comfortable clothing, as she was still dressed in what she had put on earlier that morning.
Once she was alone in her room, Olivia rushed through the process of switching out her clothes, even though she knew Elliot wouldn't intrude on her privacy. Allowing herself the grace of a few precious extra minutes in the bathroom, she pressed a cool washcloth to her face, the temperature soothing to eyes that were still somewhat puffy from all the crying she'd done in Lydia's office.
A short time later, Olivia got into bed, propping herself up against the headboard and arranging the comforter around her hips. No sooner had she finished getting settled, there was a knock at the door. She'd forgotten to open it again when she'd come out of the bathroom, which would have been the more obvious signal for Elliot that it was safe to enter. Logically, Olivia knew that he would have likely still knocked anyway, as she could remember from their years as partners when she'd be alone in the locker room and he'd knock before entering, and those had been the times when she'd been fully dressed.
"You can come in, El."
Despite the fact that permission had been granted, the door still opened slowly, as though Elliot were being cautious in his entrance. It was only when Olivia saw that he was trying to juggle not just his tablet, but a mug of hot tea and a bottle of water that she immediately felt guilty for not having offered to help.
"Elliot, you should have said something. I didn't expect you to carry all that up the stairs."
"No worries, Liv. This is nothing. One day I'll tell you about all the times I had to carry the twins up the stairs, along with two stuffed animals apiece. That didn't include the books they'd chosen for bedtime, either."
"I'd like that."
Setting his tablet down on the nightstand on the opposite side of the bed, Elliot carefully passed the mug of tea over to Olivia, warning her about the temperature. It was only when she held it steady that he attempted to get in the bed himself, remaining respectfully above the covers. Noticing this, Olivia had opened her mouth up to protest, but Elliot was quick to interject, already anticipating her argument.
"I promise that if I get cold, I'll go and get a blanket, okay? Right now, your personal space is your own. I know it wasn't easy for you to ask me to stay here with you, and I'm not about to do anything that would make you uncomfortable for any reason."
Unable to find the words to answer, Olivia could only nod in response. Though she didn't want to admit it out loud, she knew Elliot was right. He may not have been the one she was afraid of, but odds were still high that while asleep, his close proximity could serve as a trigger. She was willing to take that chance, though, because as frightening as the prospect of dream induced terrors might have been, it was nothing compared to the thought of being alone right now.
Sipping her tea, Olivia decided a change of subject was in order. Tilting her chin in the direction of the tablet that lay to Elliot's left side, she inquired further about his plans.
"So, what is it exactly that you are reading? Anything interesting?"
"I actually have a few works in progress, as it were. I'm sure it will come as no surprise to you that I'm terribly impatient, so sitting and reading a book from cover to cover is a bit difficult for me."
Although she had brought the mug back to her lips to hide her smile, Olivia couldn't help but arch her eyebrow.
"Elliot Stabler, impatient? Who would have thought?"
"Real funny, Benson. I'd love to know how many books you've sat down and read yourself over the years."
"You do remember that my mother was an English professor, right? Classic literature was a favorite of hers."
Elliot laughed then, and the debate that had been brewing ended just as quickly, even if there had been no heat behind either of their words. Instead, Elliot moved on to a suggestion of his own, even if he was a bit hesitant as to how it would be received.
"I'm not sure if this is something you would want, but I could read to you for a bit, at least until you fell asleep."
"Is my anxiety that obvious?"
Elliot wasn't sure if he should answer honestly or make something up, until he realized that Olivia had only been teasing. Not the part about her being anxious, that much was apparent, but a minute later she was passing over her own tablet.
"If you could read from Anne of Green Gables? It was one of the first books I ever borrowed from the library as a little girl, and I remember loving it immediately. I guess I've been craving the comfort it used to bring. Just, please, don't tease me for it."
"I'd never tease you for that, Liv. That was always one of Katie's favorites, too. I think I must have read her the entire series the time she was sick with the chicken pox."
Placing the now empty mug on her nightstand, Olivia rearranged herself so she was lying down on her side with one arm tucked underneath the pillow and the covers pulled up to her shoulder. She hadn't intentionally faced away from Elliot, it was just that ever since her ribs had been injured from the first incident with Lewis, this position had always been the most comfortable. As Elliot began to read, Olivia gave herself over to the story and tried to relax. For now the only thing that mattered was hearing her partner's voice.
Olivia gradually stirred, unsure what exactly had woken her. After a moment or two, it dawned on her that Elliot had been speaking, gently calling her by name. Torn between shame at having been so dead to the world, and relieved that her nap had consisted of the kind of dreamless slumber she wished for on a nightly basis, Olivia pulled herself up into a seated position and turned her head to face the man who had remained next to her just as he'd promised to do.
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you, Liv, it's just that you've been sleeping for three hours already, and I don't want you to have any trouble tonight."
"No, it's alright. I'm glad you woke me up. I must have been out like a light. I don't remember much beyond the first page or two after you started reading."
"Don't worry about that, I'll start over from the beginning if I have to. Now, how do you feel about some lunch?"
Olivia opened her mouth to respond, but before she had a chance to give her reply, her stomach growled loudly, the noise audible in relation to the mostly silent room.
"I guess that answers my question. Tell you what. You take all the time you need to get yourself sorted, then meet me downstairs whenever you're ready? I'll head to the kitchen and whip up something for us to eat."
"That sounds good, but I'm going to insist on helping with dinner later."
"You've got yourself a deal."
Elliot got to his feet and exited the room, taking the empty bottle of water and his tablet with him as he went. It occurred to Olivia that she hadn't even asked him what his plans for lunch were, and for the first time in as long as she could remember, she wasn't stressing out about it, either. Granted, there was some residual anxiety, but in recent days, eating definitely hadn't been the chore it used to be. That was something she'd have to mention to Rene when she saw the nutritionist for a follow up next week.
Thinking of the next week, even though it was only Friday and a weekend with nothing planned lay ahead, the schedule to come was a daunting one. In addition to the appointments with Lydia on Tuesday and Thursday, plus the visit with Rene, Olivia was also due to meet with Dr. Barnes. Oddly enough, she was looking forward to those meetings, as Olivia hoped Dr. Barnes would give her the clearance to join Elliot at the gym and increase her exercise program. Obviously, she couldn't be as aggressive as she had been when she'd initially arrived in Cape May, but the opportunity to add some light strength training to her cardio routine was appealing. As a bonus, Elliot was already familiar with the gym and its equipment, so by attending with him, Olivia would have a built in coach and workout buddy, and wouldn't have to worry about the added anxiety of being in the presence of someone she didn't know.
Pushing the wayward thoughts from her mind, Olivia got out of bed and padded into the bathroom. Just before leaving to join Elliot downstairs, she decided to pull her hair into a short ponytail. When she was done, Olivia headed toward the kitchen to see what she would discover. Her curiosity was getting the better of her, because as of yet, she hadn't been able to smell anything cooking, and she was wracking her brain trying to figure out just what Elliot could have prepared them to eat.
Once she got to the lower level, Olivia was surprised to find Elliot standing at the counter, surrounded by ingredients. By the looks of things, he was making more of a feast than a meal, and while she was beginning to conquer some of her issues with eating, the sheer amount of food before her did look a bit daunting.
"El, what is all this?"
Elliot looked up at Olivia and caught sight of her wide eyes and incredulous expression and the smile on his face fell. Belatedly, he realized that what he was planning was probably something he should have mentioned before diving in head first. However, Olivia didn't look angry, only perplexed. So, he hoped the idea that had come to him as he'd started making the afternoon meal wouldn't be rejected.
"I'm sorry, Liv, I guess I jumped a few steps ahead. I should have talked to you about this before moving ahead with the plan, it was inconsiderate on my part."
"That's okay, but what are you doing?"
With a laugh, Elliot realized that he still hadn't explained himself. No wonder Olivia was so confused.
"It's such a nice day out, unusually warm for May. I thought we could have an impromptu picnic of sorts, either on the beach – or, if you didn't want to go that far, outside on the patio."
"That is a wonderful idea. I'd love to get some fresh air. I'm not sure how I feel about the beach just yet, but I think the patio sounds perfect."
"Great. I'm just about done with everything. Despite what it may look like, I really haven't made all that much. How about while I finish up here, you grab a couple blankets – just in case we get chilly – and if you don't mind, my tablet? We can use it to listen to some music while we're outside."
"You know I'm happy to help, Elliot."
Ten minutes later, the pair were seated outside, comfortable on the new patio furniture. True to his word, Elliot had propped his tablet up on one of the tables, and music was filtering through the speaker. While he dug into one of the insulated bags to arrange the lunch he had prepared, Olivia opened the other one to sort out their drinks. As she handed him an iced tea, he passed her a sealed reusable plastic container along with a fork. Since Elliot had not said anything when he'd given her the food, the contents remained a mystery.
That was, of course, until Olivia pried open the lid and saw an exact replica of the chicken salad he'd made once before that she had enjoyed so much. The fact that Elliot had not only remembered her request to have this item again, but had made it specifically with her in mind touched Olivia's heart deeply. Especially on a day like today, when the morning had been such an emotional one. Not wanting to waste another moment just looking at the salad and not eating it, she dug in with her fork and took a bite. It was even more delicious than the last time she'd eaten it.
"This is amazing! Thank you, El."
"You're welcome."
Feeling no pressure or need for conversation, the partners ate their lunch in a companionable silence, save for the music that filtered though the air around them. For her part, Olivia was trying to indulge all of her senses, and not just her taste buds. Even though they were a full block away from the ocean, she could still smell a hint of salt in the air as the breeze blew against her face, and she also relished in the warmth of the sun's rays through the sweatshirt she wore. It made her look forward to the upcoming summer months here in Cape May, and going to the beach to feel the sand between her toes.
"You still with me, Liv?"
"Yeah, El. My mind was wandering a bit, but in a good way, I promise."
Elliot took a long sip of his own iced tea, his expression thoughtful.
"We've been doing a lot of that, haven't we?"
"What's that?"
"Making promises – to ourselves, to each other. I kind of like it. It feels like we're finding our footing again."
Olivia carefully considered what Elliot had said. It made sense, in more ways than one. Giving him a smile – one of those true genuine Olivia smiles that were coming to her more often than they had been in a long while these days – she couldn't help but agree.
"You're right, it does. I have to say, I like it, too."
They had opted to remain outside for the better part of the afternoon, taking advantage of the pleasant weather for as long as it was available to them. Even though it was technically spring, and had been for a few weeks now, May was an unpredictable month, and it wasn't unheard of for a last minute cold front – or even a frost – to interrupt the milder temperatures. For her part, Olivia was glad to have left winter behind. After the year she'd experienced, she was more than ready to leave the pain behind and embrace the healing rebirth that spring was meant to represent.
"Liv?"
Elliot's voice pulled Olivia from her more pensive thoughts, and she turned her head slightly to find him watching her with an expression that she couldn't quite decipher. Though she didn't respond verbally to her name having been called, she did raise her eyebrows, and indicator that he could proceed with whatever he wanted to ask.
"Are you feeling up to talking? Or, are you all talked out for the day? I'd understand if you were."
Olivia felt the breath leave her body, the exhale more of a sigh than anything else. She wasn't exasperated with the question, it was just a matter of how to go about answering it. The truth of the matter was, she simply wasn't sure. The morning had been a taxing one, and depending on what Elliot wanted to discuss, it may very well be too much to handle right now. But Olivia also knew that her partner would never push her beyond her limits, so a part of her was inclined to indulge her curiosity.
"That depends. What is it you wanted to talk about, exactly?"
"Nothing too heavy, I promise. I just thought we could spend the evening getting to know one another again, catch up a little. I mean, we know the basics of what happened during the years I was away, but I want to learn about the smaller details, too – only if you're comfortable with that, of course."
Olivia turned the suggestion over in her mind a few times, trying to decide what the ramifications of a conversation like that would entail. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that she was just as interested in learning more about the missing pieces of Elliot's life as he likely was about hers.
"I think that sounds nice, actually. The only thing I have to say is – can we move this discussion indoors? I'm starting to get a little cold, plus it looks like it's going to rain."
Olivia was right. In the time that had lapsed since they'd finished eating their lunch, the sunny day had been overtaken by clouds, which were growing more ominous by the minute. If this patio were a screened in porch, she might have relished in the opportunity to stay exactly where she was and watch the storm move in, but they didn't have that luxury. Not to mention, in addition to being close to the water, there were also surrounded by metal, and the last thing Olivia wanted to add to her list of acquired injuries was a lightning strike.
"No problem at all. I was about to mention heading inside myself. Just let me cover up this furniture and I'll join you."
"Nonsense. We'll get it done faster if we work together, and you know it."
Elliot grabbed the protective covers from where they had been placed in the outdoor storage chest, and was almost immediately grateful for Olivia's offer of assistance. The wind had already started to pick up, making the task of covering the furniture impossible for one person alone. By working as team, however, they were able to tackle the job easily, and had just made it safely back into the cottage as the skies opened and unleashed a torrent of rain. Thunder rumbled noisily, and they both marveled at how quickly the storm had blown in from out of nowhere.
"While it wouldn't have been the first time for us to get caught in a downpour – and not even recently – I'm glad we missed the extra shower today."
"Me, too."
Olivia had noticed the way that Elliot had tensed at first, once the full weight of his words had registered. She hadn't interpreted them as an insult however, or even a reference to her breakdown on the beach the other day. Instead, she had been transported more than fifteen years into the past, to one of the earliest cases of their partnership, standing out in the pouring rain looking in on the body of a murdered cab driver. How young she had been then – how young they both were – and yet everything had seemed so easy between them. That's what Olivia wanted back again, and she knew Elliot did, too.
Step by step, they were getting there – and then some. In many ways, their relationship was on track to being so much more than it had ever been before. Without the confines of work between them, Elliot and Olivia were free to simply be themselves. Never before would Olivia have ever imagined herself to have had the courage to ask Elliot to stay with her until she fell asleep, or for him to offer to read to her as a means to provide comfort. It had nearly broken them both when Elliot had walked away, but it had also forced both of their hands. After more than thirteen years of walking side by side as a singular unit – BensonandStabler – they had each needed to take a step forward and learn who they were as individuals.
Now, they were evolving together. Olivia wanted to continue to evolve, not just in her journey toward healing, but in her friendship with Elliot. That was one of the reasons why she had been so open to the idea of participating in therapy together with the man. At first, his having been so willing to join in had been surprising, as the Elliot she remembered was always resistant to therapy, but then Olivia reminded herself that if she had been allowed to grow in recent years, then so could he. There was something about this new version of her partner, who was more open to communication that she found incredibly endearing, even if there were times that it still unnerved her to a degree.
"Liv?"
Olivia jumped, having forgotten momentarily that Elliot was still in the room. An apology already forming on her lips, she pivoted on her heel to face him only to have the words catch in her throat. One look at his face, and she knew he understood.
"I'm okay, El."
"I suppose that's a better answer than 'I'm fine', but I'm still not sure I buy it. I'll let it go for now, though."
Olivia laughed weakly, and muttered a brief word of thanks. She was about to suggest they go get settled in the living room so they could talk when Elliot intervened yet again.
"How about we table the discussion for now? I'm not saying we forget about it, just put it on hold. Instead, we can curl up on the couch and find something to watch until this storm passes."
"I'd like that."
Elliot stepped closer, wrapping his arms around Olivia and pulling her close in a light embrace.
"How does some hot chocolate sound? I think it seems fitting given the dreary weather, don't you?"
"That sounds amazing, actually."
Pressing a gentle kiss to Olivia's temple Elliot stepped away from her personal space and headed toward the kitchen. As he grabbed the milk from the fridge and headed toward the stove to heat it up in a pan, he called back over his shoulder to the brunette who was still standing in the middle of the room.
"Did you want me to put marshmallows in yours?"
"What kind of question is that supposed to be?"
"I'll take that as a yes."
With a smile playing at her lips following that exchange, Olivia padded into the living room, already feeling a sense of warmth filling her body and chasing the chill away.
As far as spring storms go, the one that afternoon had been powerful. Fortunately, they hadn't lost power, and there was even the added bonus of getting to see a rainbow just before the sun was about to set. Despite the emotional ups and downs, Olivia decided she would have to proclaim that the day had been a good one. It was only now, at night, with the prospect of eventually having to sleep approaching that anxiety began to settle in. Desperate too delay the inevitable for however long she could, Olivia resurrected a topic from earlier in the day with Elliot.
"El? Do you think we could talk for a little bit now? I don't mean a full on heavy discussion, but I'd like to go over a few small things."
"Of course, Liv. How do you want to do this? Should we ask questions, or volunteer information?"
Olivia mulled it over for a minute before determining that an approach involving a bit of both of those options would be best, depending on the situation. Elliot was quick to agree, but Olivia was the one to offer that he go first in questioning her.
"I'll try and start with something simple, but it goes without saying that if there is ever anything you don't want to answer, all you have to do is say so, right?"
"I know. The same applies to you, too."
They shook hands in agreement, even though the word alone was promise enough for either one of them.
"Are those giant cinnamon rolls with extra icing from the one coffee shop we always used to go to still one of your favorite guilty pleasures?"
Olivia's expression turned wistful, her chocolate eyes conveying the sadness she felt.
"That place closed about six months after you retired, actually. Sold out to some cookie cutter corporate company with crap coffee. I hadn't been able to set foot in there since you'd left, though. It just wasn't the same."
"I'm sorry, Liv."
Elliot's apology was genuine, as though he were feeling the impact of what his leaving had cost Olivia in a way like never before.
"I didn't tell you that to make you feel sorry. I just always saw that as 'our' place. We had plenty of them in the city. I couldn't very well take my new partner there."
"I know what you mean. Back when we were still married, Kathy used to want me to take her out to eat at places in Manhattan that I considered as belonging just to you and me, too. It didn't feel right. So I always told her that I didn't like them, and only went because you did."
Olivia raised her eyebrows as she absorbed that bit of information.
"Elliot Stabler, are you telling me that you lied to your wife?"
"Just one of the many reasons she is now my ex, her lack of ability for empathy notwithstanding. She never did understand our dynamic."
Reaching her hand out to rest it on Elliot's forearm, Olivia spoke to him gently.
"El, with all due respect, even I don't always understand our dynamic. I think it may just be one of those things that defies logic. I know Don gave up trying to figure us out sometime in 2007."
Elliot laughed, even though there wasn't a lot of humor behind it. Olivia had made a strong case in point though, and he knew exactly what she was referring to.
"The evaluation with Hendrix. Did I ever tell you that I walked out of mine after refusing to answer one of the questions?"
"You weren't supposed to, remember? We weren't meant to discuss them with one another. Something about confidentiality, but I'm thinking it was more along the lines of plausible deniability."
Olivia was grinning now, and the expression on Elliot's face matched her own. She was about to add something else, but he beat her to it.
"You don't seem surprised."
"How could I be? I walked out of my session, too. Guess we're alike in more ways than one."
Though neither divulged what question had made them refuse to answer and walk away from Dr. Hendrix back in the day, Olivia and Elliot nonetheless felt another common bond between them in knowing that even then, their loyalty had remained true to one another. They continued to talk, sharing stories from over their years together, what was originally supposed to have been a learning exercise instead turning into a walk down memory lane.
It was only when Elliot realized the late hour that he mentioned something, not really worried for himself, but more out of concern for Olivia. He knew she needed to try and take her medication on a regular schedule, and that while her sleep routine was anything but normal, the brunette did try her best to get as much rest as possible.
"As fun as this has been, we should probably table this for tonight. We can always pick up where we've left off again tomorrow."
"Well, El, you know I hate to admit it when you're right, but in this instance, you absolutely are."
Elliot put his hand over his heart, feigning shock.
"Do my ears deceive me? Did Olivia Benson just say that I was right? Ow!"
In lieu of a response, Olivia had countered by slugging Elliot in the upper arm, and none too gently at that. As he was rubbing the injured appendage, he cast a wounded gaze to the woman to his left.
"What did you do that for?"
"That's what you deserve for making fun of me when I compliment you."
"Since when is you acknowledging my being right a compliment?"
"Because it happens so rarely."
Elliot was about to say something else, but thought better of it, instead, he stood up, turned around and offered his hand to help Olivia off the couch to a standing position.
"Truce?"
"I didn't know we were fighting, but sure."
Olivia placed her fingers in his palm and accepted the assistance in getting to her feet.
"Are you still keyed up, Liv?"
Curious about the question, Olivia studied Elliot's face, but all traces of teasing had gone. When she answered in the affirmative, he had a suggestion. She then listened intently as he suggested she go upstairs, and try taking a bath using the lavender foam. It was followed by an offer to come and read to her until she fell asleep, just as he had that afternoon. At first, Olivia was hesitant to accept, but eventually her desire for comfort eclipsed her pride.
"That sounds great, El. Thanks."
As she sank down into the hot water overflowing with lavender and chamomile scented bubbles, Olivia exhaled a sigh of contentment. It had been awhile since she'd allowed herself the opportunity to relax like this. The occasion the other day when Elliot had been helping to warm her up could hardly be counted as an indulgence. Tonight, though, was different. She had taken the time to light some candles, and even had some soft music playing. It reminded Olivia of the nightly baths she'd taken when she'd first gotten home from the hospital.
Closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the tub, Olivia replayed the day in her mind. Exhausting as it had been, it had also included what she felt were some milestone events – breakfast in a restaurant among them. Looking back on it now, that morning seemed so far away compared to everything else that had happened throughout the course of the last sixteen hours.
There was no doubt that the appointment with Lydia had been emotional, but it was also very productive. While Olivia wasn't against trying group therapy again at some point in the future, it was evident that it wasn't beneficial to her right now. The idea of seeing her psychiatrist twice a week was a much more appealing option, especially when one of those meetings would include a joint session with Elliot to help them sort through some of the hurt that still remained between them.
As much as Olivia was enjoying her relaxing soak, she didn't want to linger for too long – even though Elliot had told her to take as much time as she needed. There was a part of her brain that kept trying to convince her that she was somehow inconveniencing him by being too needy, taking too long, or being too dependent. Olivia wanted to recognize that was only her anxiety talking, but it wasn't always that simple. Instead, she continued to think about things from the day that she viewed as positive, in an attempt to not dwell on negativity.
Prior to their meaningful conversation, another highlight of the evening had been dinner. True to his promises from earlier in the day, Elliot had held to his word, and not only allowed Olivia to help, but the two of them had worked in tandem to prepare the meal together. They had even grilled outside again, proof positive that Elliot was thoroughly enjoying the new purchase. Afterward, they had made a batch of chocolate chip cookies, as the supply to satisfy Olivia's sweet tooth had been running dangerously low.
As the temperature of the bath began to cool, Olivia pulled the plug, allowing the water to go down the drain. She briefly used the hand held shower nozzle to rinse any remaining suds from her body, not super worried about being clean, as she'd already showered that morning. After toweling herself off, and completing her after bath ritual of applying the necessary lotions, Olivia slipped into one of her favorite pairs of sleepwear – knit pajama bottoms and an oversized shirt with long sleeves. Allowing her hair to air dry for the night, she turned off the bathroom light and padded barefoot into her bedroom.
Picking up her phone from where it lay on the nightstand, Olivia sent a brief text to Elliot, as he'd told her to do whenever she was ready. A reply soon followed, asking if she wanted him to bring her any tea. Though the offer was tempting, Olivia declined this time, instead saying that she'd pass for tonight. A final message soon followed, with Elliot letting Olivia know that he would be up to join her shortly, if she still wanted his company. She gladly accepted, then crawled under the covers to wait, having taken her medicine prior to her bath.
A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door, and Olivia called out that it was okay for Elliot to enter. Much like when he'd shown up at her room earlier that day, his hands were full. This time, instead of bringing drinks, he carried with him a blanket along with his tablet, phone, and what looked to be a charging cord.
"Hey, Liv. I hope you don't mind that I brought a blanket with me to make myself more comfortable. I promise I won't wear out my welcome."
"It's not a problem at all, El. No sense in you freezing your ass off just because you're staying here with me for a bit."
Olivia waited patiently while Elliot got himself situated, having already decided to lay down and arrange her own blankets the way she liked them. This time, she had opted to try and sleep on the side that would have her facing in Elliot's direction. While there was nothing improper about it, it was definitely a more intimate situation than either of them had been accustomed to during their years together, save for the time the other day when they had both fallen asleep in the same bed.
Olivia already had her tablet ready and waiting, having remembered that Elliot had been using it earlier to read from Anne of Green Gables. It didn't take Elliot long to get settled, propping himself up against the pillows in a way that he would be comfortable without fully lying down. He opened the digital copy of the book, easily finding where they had left off.
"Before I start reading, are you sure you're okay with me being this close to you, Liv? I don't want to make you feel uneasy."
"You're fine. I probably won't last long anyway, I can feel my meds starting to kick in. When I do ultimately fall asleep, if you could just turn on the ocean waves app before you go, I'd really appreciate it."
"Not a problem."
Although he could tell her eyelids were already starting to get heavy, Elliot had one final question for Olivia before he began reading. Did she want him to restart from the beginning of the novel, since she had fallen asleep earlier, or did she want him to pick up where he had left off? Luckily, that was something that hadn't required too much brain power for Olivia to provide an answer to, and she easily said he could start from where they'd left off. It was one of the many reasons she'd picked Anne to begin with - even though it had been ages since she'd last read it, the material was familiar. More than that, it was comforting.
So, Olivia once again allowed herself to get lost in not only the story of the precocious redheaded orphan, but also the voice of her partner as he related the tale. Memories washed over Olivia as she thought about the first time she'd ever learned about Anne's theatrical apology to Rachel Lynde, and the even more dramatic events of her first day in school.
Just as Olivia felt her breathing begin to even out and sleep about to claim her, she noticed that Elliot had stopped reading. Marilla was just in the process of fixing Anne's hair – that the young woman had mistakenly dyed green in the hopes of achieving luxurious raven black tresses. All hope had not been lost, though, because the trial period had officially come to an end, and it was decided that Anne would remain with the Cuthberts to stay at Green Gables permanently.
"Liv?"
"Hmm?"
Olivia was in that blissful state just before sleep had fully taken over, so although not quite coherent, she was capable of responding to Elliot having called her name.
"Do you ever wonder what we'd have been like had we met each other when we were younger, instead of how we did as partners?"
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know, I guess if we'd known each other during our school days. Do you think we'd have been friends?"
More awake now as she considered the ramifications of what Elliot had asked – even though this was a scenario that invaded Olivia's thoughts often – she tried to figure out how she should answer. Before she had a chance to, Elliot leaned over to whisper in her ear.
"I'd have tugged on your braids."
While Olivia had no doubt that Elliot was being serious, she also easily guessed his reference to a scene with Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe that he had just read only moments before. Not to be outdone, even as she was about to surrender to the hypnotic pull of sleep, she gave her reply.
"I'd have broken a slate over your head."
Elliot's soft laughter rang in Olivia's ears as she felt his lips brush her temple. The gentle benediction was one of her last memories of the day, save for his whispered words of pleasant dreams and goodnight.
She tried to wish him the same, but wasn't honestly aware if the words had been said aloud or only imagined. All Olivia knew for certain is that the promises Elliot had made were ones he had every intention of keeping.