Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
When Saturday morning dawned, Olivia woke with a feeling that she hadn't experienced in ages. She didn't know exactly how to put it into words, but the oppressive weight that she had been shouldering these many months seemed like a much more manageable burden to carry. Olivia wasn't sure why this was happening, but she welcomed the change nonetheless. Maybe it was due in part to the progress and breakthroughs she'd made recently with Lydia and Elliot, but one thing was for certain – Olivia could feel something shifting. She wasn't naive enough to believe for a second that this subtle adjustment to her mood meant that she was cured, but it was enough to give her the hope that one day soon, she might be able to move beyond her trauma and accept it as part of her past instead of an all consuming existence in her present.
If her years working in SVU had taught Olivia anything, it was that the healing process wasn't a linear one. There was no set formula to trauma recovery, no procedure of steps one could perform in a specific order to reach the finish line sooner. Even then, the most logical goal was only acceptance, because no amount of therapy or treatment could ever erase an assault from memory. For the survivor, there was only a matter of learning to live with the aftermath, a journey that involved letting go of self blame and realizing that no one was at fault except the perpetrator themselves.
Tossing back the covers, Olivia swung her legs to the side of the bed as she pulled herself into a sitting position. With great effort, she pushed the pensive introspection from her mind and tried to center her focus on something else. The sunlight coming in through her window was all the indication she needed to know that the weather was perfect this morning to enjoy a walk before breakfast, and Olivia hurried to get ready for the day, having realized that she'd slept a little later than usual. In ten minutes time, she was dressed in appropriate attire for the outdoors, and headed downstairs to greet Elliot. She found her partner sitting in the living room, the morning news playing softly on the television.
"Morning, El. Sorry I overslept."
Elliot, who had turned in Olivia's direction at the sound of her voice, dismissed her apology with a shake of his head.
"Never apologize for sleeping, Liv. You obviously needed the rest."
Olivia found that she couldn't argue with Elliot's logic, but at the same time, she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of conceding that he was right. If she did, he'd never let her hear the end of it, teasing or not, and a boastful Elliot Stabler trying to prove a point would indeed be a difficult man to live with. Instead, Olivia made a noncommittal sound of acknowledgment, then immediately deflected the topic of conversation onto something else, hoping that the change of subject would work in her favor.
"Did you still want to walk this morning? I'm hoping that once I get the clearance from the doctors this week to exercise more frequently, we can finally tackle the lighthouse like I've been wanting to. I really want to see the view from the top of the tower before the tourists start pouring in."
Memorial Day – the unofficial start to summer – was only a couple of weeks away, and while the area where the cottage was located was inhabited mainly by locals, there would be plenty of others flooding the town of Cape May to take advantage of the beaches and other attractions. It was the one part of the season Olivia hadn't been looking forward to, but she also realized that hiding away from the world wasn't a logical option, either. Not to mention, even here among the chaos of the summer crowds, Olivia reasoned it would be infinitely better than the bustling city streets that she'd left behind in Manhattan.
The city seemed so far away now, almost another lifetime ago. Olivia supposed, in a way, it was – an aspect of the 'before' that she would never fully get back, but hoped to regain a confidence in. While she wasn't ready to return just yet, one thing she did know for certain, and that was that she couldn't stay away forever. New York City was her home, and no one was going to take that away from her.
"Liv? Did you hear what I said?"
Pulled from her reverie, Olivia focused her attention back to Elliot, a slight flush staining her cheeks. Once again, she'd gotten lost in her own thoughts, something that she hoped wouldn't become a habit today.
"No, I didn't. I'm sorry. Can you repeat it?"
"I simply said that as soon as we get the okay from your doctor, I'll be happy to buy us tickets for the lighthouse. We can go early in the morning when they first open, so it won't be too crowded."
"I'd like that."
A few minutes later, the pair were on their way out the door, with Olivia having decided that she'd like to try walking on the beach again. Her hope was that now that a couple days had passed since her emotional breakdown on the sandy shore, being near the ocean wouldn't serve as a trigger to what she still viewed as an embarrassing outburst. It was one of the many things filed away by her brain in the 'to be talked about later' category. However, since she and Elliot would be starting therapy sessions together the following week, Olivia hoped that they would get to some of those more important conversations sooner than planned.
As they headed down the wooden planks that led to the beach itself, Elliot couldn't help but notice out of the corner of his eye the way Olivia had faltered in her steps. He wondered briefly if he should call her out on her hesitation, question if she really was all right, or simply trust her instincts to know her own limits. After weighing the options, he found an alternative that he hoped wouldn't make Olivia feel like he was judging her, but still leave the control entirely in her court.
"Do you have an idea of which direction you want to walk, Liv? Up the shore, or down? Also, how close to the water do you want to get?"
Any tension that had previously been visible in Olivia's body language evaporated almost immediately. Her shoulders relaxed, and a smile returned to grace her features. She didn't answer right away, but instead considered what Elliot had asked for a full minute before responding.
"Up the beach, I think. We haven't walked in that direction yet. And you should know by now that I like to be close to the water. It's easier to walk where the sand is more firmly packed. Maybe in another few weeks or so, it will even be warm enough to walk barefoot."
Elliot made a quiet noise of agreement, then added his own comment, a remark about how amazed he was that given all the time they'd spent on the beach already, they'd managed not to track a ton of sand into the cottage. That earned him a full on laugh from Olivia, and as he felt her slip her fingers into his palm as they began to walk, he began thinking of ways to make her laugh again, because he was convinced that Olivia's laughter was quickly becoming one of his favorite sounds in the world. He'd forgotten how much he had missed it while they had been apart, and now that he was blessed enough to hear it again, he wanted her laughter to reach his ears as much as possible.
While their morning walks still weren't quite the extent that Olivia's workouts had been prior to her hospitalization, even she could tell that her stamina was improving. That didn't mean she was going to dive in headfirst and go overboard again when it came to exercise. Instead, she would try and harness the excess energy properly. First, by going to the gym with Elliot, and then, if she did start running again, starting her pace low and slow and keeping it to shorter distances at first until she got used to it.
As they started on the final block back to the cottage, Olivia found her introspective thoughts interrupted by a sudden surge in appetite for one item in particular – cinnamon rolls. The urge was so strong that she could practically smell them, and the craving intensified from there. While Olivia didn't know for certain if they had the necessary items available in the fridge to satisfy her current sweet tooth, she was aware that Elliot would stop at nothing until she got what she wanted. That's why she had to phrase her next question carefully, because as much as she longed for the taste of pastry, it wasn't an immediate priority.
"Hey, El. Do we have any of those refrigerated cinnamon rolls on hand? You have a better idea of our inventory than I do."
"Actually, yes. I bought some with our last grocery order. I thought they would make a nice treat sometime. Did you want me to make them for breakfast?"
"If it wouldn't be too much trouble. I kind of have a craving for something sweet."
They walked through the gate and up the walkway to the door, Elliot unlocking it and gesturing for Olivia to enter the cottage first.
"Then that's what we'll have. Did you want anything else to go with it?"
"Just coffee. I know it's probably not the most nutritious option, but I promise to do better for lunch."
"Don't worry about it, Liv. You're allowed to indulge every now and then. Why don't you go up and get your shower, while I preheat the oven? After that, I think they take about twenty-five minutes to bake."
Olivia nodded in agreement, but before she could move to head upstairs, a chime from her cell phone broke the silence. Checking the notification quickly, Olivia felt relief course through her body when she saw that it was only Lydia getting back to the email she'd sent this morning, a follow up to a question she'd forgotten to ask during her session the day before.
"Everything okay?"
"Couldn't be better. I had sent Lydia an email, because I completely forgot again yesterday to ask about my caffeine intake. She said I'm more than able to go at my own pace in terms of how much I'm able to handle, but did recommend that I cut myself off around three in the afternoon so it doesn't affect my sleep schedule at night."
"That seems fair. So, is it safe to say that you're going to be wanting a second cup of coffee this morning?"
Olivia's grin was the only answer that Elliot needed.
Forty five minutes later, the pair were sitting down to a breakfast of fresh baked cinnamon rolls and coffee, having abandoned the more formal setting of the kitchen table for the comfort that the living room couch would provide. Since they were fresh out of the oven, the rolls were still warm and gooey, the icing perfectly melted on the tops and dripping down the sides. It was quiet at first as the two partners tucked into their morning meal, but eventually Elliot's thoughts got the better of him and he had a question for the woman sitting next to him.
"Not that I'm complaining, Liv, because these are amazing, but what made you think of this today? Or was it just a random craving?"
"Yes and no. I think part of it had to do with the question you asked me yesterday about the coffee shop we used to go to together. Must have put the idea in my head, and my stomach took things from there."
"Well, no matter what it was, I'm glad you thought of it. I'll have to order more the next time I get groceries. It's not something we'll be able to have all the time, but like I said, they do make a good treat."
Olivia nodded her agreement, a small sound of contentment escaping her lips as she swallowed another mouthful of coffee to chase down her most recent bite of the sweet cinnamon pastry. Though it wasn't something she would have necessarily done in public, here in Elliot's presence, she was perfectly comfortable licking the remnants of icing from her fingers, completely unashamed of her indulgence. It felt good to be enjoying food again for the most part, and while Olivia knew it would still be a rocky road, she felt like she was the one back in control over that aspect of her life. It was a small victory, and she'd take the wins whenever she could.
After they were done eating, it was Olivia who offered to clean up, although there wasn't much to do. She rinsed off the plates she and Elliot had used, and wiped out the baking pan, then placed them in the dishwasher for a cycle that would be run later in the day after they had accumulated more dirty dishes. On her way back to the living room, Olivia grabbed the nearly empty coffee carafe off the warming plate. There was just enough left for one more cup apiece. She made sure to snag the carton of cream and container of sugar on her way too, knowing she wouldn't hear the end of it otherwise – even if Elliot would have only been teasing.
"Thanks for the top-off, Liv. I guess that means you're enjoying the extra coffee this morning?"
"You have no idea. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful to have been allowed the single cup before, and I still love my tea, but there is just something about coffee that is a source of comfort all on its own."
"Probably comes with being a cop. It's ingrained in your DNA."
No matter how bad his joke had been, Elliot had every intention of it making Olivia laugh. In fact, when he heard her sharp intake of breath, he initially thought he had been successful in his efforts. However, it was the sobs that followed that raised alarm, and let him know that instead of inciting laughter, his words had the unintended effect of provoking tears. Elliot watched helplessly as Olivia all but crumpled next to him, not totally sure what he had done to cause her to fall apart, but damn sure he was going to do whatever it took to help her piece herself back together.
"Liv, what is it? Talk to me."
"I'm sorry. It's just that when you said that, it's the first time I ever gave it any actual thought. I don't know if they're going to let me be a cop anymore. Elliot, what am I supposed to do if that happens?"
If Elliot thought he was at a loss for words before, he truly didn't know what to say now. He knew – had always known – what her career in SVU meant for Olivia. It was more than just getting justice for survivors, to her, it was personal. It was something he had understood immediately from the very first moment she had confided in him the truth behind her conception in the early years of their partnership, a deeply intimate secret that to this day he felt very humbled to know the truth of. It wasn't something that she disclosed to everyone, so the fact that she had trusted him – and so early on at that- was proof positive of their unique bond.
Pushing those thoughts to the side, Elliot focused on the more important matter at hand, and that was to help Olivia in her distress. He didn't know what words – if any – would calm her, but he was going to try. While their situations were anything but the same, he could still relate to a small degree with what she was feeling. After Jenna, the feelings of inability to do the job and inadequacy had been overwhelming. Even though in the end, his decision to leave the job behind had been his own, it hadn't made the feelings of inadequacy lessen any. To know that Olivia felt this same sort of helplessness broke his heart.
"Liv, that's not something you need to focus on right now. As for my opinion? Making you take time to heal is one thing, but I don't think they are going to force you out. For one thing, that's inviting a lawsuit, and you know that is the last thing the brass ever wants or needs."
Despite the fact that tears were still streaming down her cheeks, Olivia couldn't help but laugh at Elliot's words.
"You're got a point there. Langan has already intervened on my behalf once already. I wouldn't doubt he'd step up again. Rafa, too, even though he typically works for the prosecution."
While Elliot had been granted access to Olivia's files regarding her abduction upon her consent, he still was unaware of the fact that Tucker had questioned her in the hospital so soon after her final encounter with William Lewis. Likewise, he didn't know that Trevor Langan had advocated for his former partner thanks to a phone call from Fin, as Olivia had still been too traumatized to advocate for herself. Because of this, he mistakenly thought Olivia was referring to the time when she had falsely been accused of murder during their eleventh year of partnership – a situation that had ultimately resulted in his having mortgaged the house in order to bail her out of Rikers.
"I don't know this Rafa - who I'm assuming you mean is Rafael Barba, SVU's current ADA – but from what I remember reading about your trial, he sounds like a damn good prosecutor."
"He's the best. We didn't hit it off at first, but he's become a great friend. I should probably get in touch with him at some point, I know he still blames himself for the way the trial ended."
It didn't escape Elliot's notice the way Olivia still avoided saying William Lewis' name unless she absolutely had to, as though speaking it out loud would cause his ghost to materialize out of thin air. In a way, Elliot figured, maybe for Olivia, that would happen, the memories of both her encounters with the beast so fresh in her mind. Whatever her reason, he wasn't going to contribute to her ongoing living nightmare by saying it either, not unless she asked him to.
"Reach out to him when you're ready for it, Liv. He's your friend, he'll understand."
"My heart knows you're right. It's explaining that to my brain that is another story."
"Well, whenever you need a reminder – for anything you're beating yourself up for – just let me know. I'm happy to help."
"Thanks, El."
The pair lapsed into a companionable silence as Olivia's tears gradually abated and her breathing began to ease back into a normal rhythm. As far as panic attacks go, this one was rather mild on the scale, but Elliot also knew from his own experience that it wasn't fair to compare them, as they were each debilitating and terrifying in their own right. No two were ever identical, and they often left a trail in their wake that could take hours – if not days – to recover from.
"Would you mind getting me a glass of water? I think I'm going go and press a cool cloth to my face, I'll be back in a minute."
"Of course, Liv. Take as long as you need. Did you want ice?"
"Please."
While Olivia could have easily ducked into the half bath that was underneath the stairs, she instead opted to head up to the more private one that was attached to her bedroom. Elliot, figuring that she needed a few minutes to pull herself together, wasn't bothered in the slightest, his focus instead on other matters. First, he cleared away the empty mugs from the coffee table in the living room, then busied himself getting the glass of ice water Olivia had requested. By the time he had settled himself on the couch again, she had returned as well.
Olivia accepted the frosty glass gratefully, taking a lengthy sip. Given how much her tears had affected her, it was no wonder that she was experiencing a bit of dry mouth and needed the help of the added hydration. Once her thirst had been quenched, she placed the glass on a coaster and leaned back against the cushions, allowing them to support her weight.
"Did the cool cloth on your face help?"
Elliot had known better than to ask Olivia the more weighted question as to whether or not she were 'okay', because that would be nothing more than a slippery slope leading straight into a pile of quicksand. It didn't matter that, in all the years he'd known her, Olivia's standard response to how she was doing had always been that she was 'fine' – whether she was suffering from a hangnail to having been attacked by a knife wielding perp in her own apartment. But things were different now, and while Elliot would forever view his partner as the 'Bad-Ass Benson' that he had always known and loved, he realized that was not the same lens she currently saw herself through. This journey to healing would continue to be a multi-faceted one, and he would be with her every step of the way.
"Some, thanks. I'm still feeling a bit out of sorts. Like I have all this unused energy, but I don't know quite what to do with it."
Elliot, his concern for Olivia always at forefront, misinterpreted her statement.
"Is it the caffeine, you think?"
Though she tried to disguise it, Olivia's eye roll was obvious to Elliot, who was, after all, a father of five, and quite skilled at picking up on the expression.
"No, that's not what I meant. I get that it's coming from the anxiety, but I'm feeling angry, too. Almost like I want to hit something."
"I know you may have thought I was joking the night I first arrived, Liv, when I offered to let you slug me, but if you think it will help, I'll gladly be your punching bag."
Olivia didn't answer – at least not out loud – but the look in her expression wasn't that easy to read either. A part of Elliot almost wanted to say that the woman next to him was tempted by his offer, and he couldn't say he could blame her. At the same time, there was an underlying look of softness, one that spoke of only appreciation and gratitude. That was when the light bulb went off in his brain, and he knew he just had to share his idea.
"I just thought of something, and you have every right to refuse if you don't like it – but hear me out. If this is a feeling you've been dealing with, why not work with it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Once we get the clearance from Dr. Barnes this week for you to resume regular workouts, and you can join me at the gym, I could be your sparring partner. We could work together, and you would be able to take out some of that pent up energy and aggression."
Olivia gnawed on her lower lip, but Elliot knew she was seriously considering what he'd just suggested. Not only that, but she was also likely remembering the countless times they'd sparred together over the years in the precinct gym when they were partners. The level of trust that they'd built on the job and in life had carried over to that aspect as well, and no matter how many punches or kicks had been thrown, neither of them had ever gotten hurt.
"I'd like that. Fair warning though, once the gloves go on, I think I'm going to come out swinging."
"I wouldn't have it any other way."
Not long after Elliot's offer to be Olivia's sparring partner once she was able to return to the gym, the brunette lapsed into silence yet again. Unlike the quiet that had existed between them at times in the past, though, Elliot could intuit that there was still something else on her mind. He didn't want to push her too hard, knowing that she was already emotionally raw from what had happened only a few minutes earlier. Even so, he wanted to give Olivia the chance to open up to him if she felt comfortable doing so, to keep her from feeling like she had to hold it all inside.
"Liv? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
Though she still wasn't making eye contact, Elliot noticed that Olivia gave an almost imperceptible nod to his question – one that hadn't necessarily required an answer. Keeping a silent but steady presence beside her, he waited patiently. When he finally heard a reply, it broke his heart that the voice Olivia was using contained the same uncertainty as it had before.
"I know. It's just hard saying some of my thoughts out loud sometimes."
"Would you rather wait until we see Lydia? If that's what you wanted, I'd understand."
Olivia shook her head, indicating that she didn't want to wait, but at the same time, still had trouble finding the words that would describe what she was feeling. Taking a deep breath, she decided the best course of action would be to dive in headfirst, and hope that Elliot would be able to figure out what it was she was trying to say.
"I guess what it boils down to is, I can't stop thinking about before."
Elliot reached out, grasping Olivia's hand with his own. He felt a bit guilty, but he wasn't entirely certain what she was referring to, and he didn't want to make matters worse by assuming.
"I'm sorry for being so clueless, but you're going to have to help me out here, Liv. Is it because of what I said?"
"No! I mean, not exactly. It's just that my mind won't stop circling on it now, even though it's nothing I haven't thought of a million times already. There are dozens of 'what-if' scenarios that keep getting the better of me, and I hate it. But, when it comes down to it, I honestly don't know what I would do if I couldn't be a cop anymore. How do you even make that call? How do you know when enough is enough?"
Elliot didn't answer right away, instead carefully considered what Olivia had said. He wanted to find the right words, not only to reassure, but to provide comfort.
"I can't speak for you, and you know that. If you'd like, I can tell you about my own experience sometime, but something tells me you're not in the right state of mind to hear that right now. What I will say, Olivia, is that, if you're questioning yourself as to whether or not it's time to walk away, if you've truly had enough – then maybe you already know the answer."
Though the tone of Elliot's voice had been gentle, it nonetheless had the unintended effect of inciting Olivia's anger. Or perhaps, it hadn't been him at all, and merely her own emotions regarding the situation itself. Whatever the cause, the end result was her shouting at him yet again, even if there wasn't a lot of force behind it. It also incited enough ferocity that she referred to Lewis by name.
"Whether it's my time to hand in my badge or not, no one else gets to choose that for me. I decide, and I say that William Lewis has already taken enough from me! He doesn't get to take my career, too."
Judging by the expression on her face, Elliot could tell that even Olivia had been surprised by the level of determination in her voice. When their eyes met, he knew just by looking at her that an apology was quickly forming in her throat, and rushed to intervene before a word of regret could ever pass her lips. Just as he had always been since their first meeting, he found himself in awe of the strength and courage the woman before him possessed, and didn't hesitate to offer a promise of assistance that whatever she wanted would be possible.
"No matter what you decide, Liv, you have my full and unconditional support. That's not something you have to figure out this very second, but when the time comes, if you choose to go back to SVU, I will do whatever I can to make sure you get there."
Gratitude and relief washed over Olivia, and all traces of embarrassment that had threatened to creep in following her outburst dissipated. She should have known that Elliot, of all people, would never judge her – or question her determination. There was still a part of her that was curious, however, about when and how he had known what his own breaking point had been, but that was a conversation for another day. The best possible time to broach that subject, as Elliot himself had suggested, would likely be when they were having their joint sessions with Lydia. Distracted by her wayward thoughts, Olivia suddenly realized that she hadn't answered Elliot's words of devotion only minutes before, and she hurried to give him a response.
"Thank you, El. You have no idea how much that means to me."
"Of course. I know I still have a lot to make up to you, but I hope you know I'd do anything for you."
"I know that. Despite everything, I've always known that."
The pair lapsed into another silence, although this one was a bit more awkward than others they'd shared. Elliot could tell that Olivia was still dealing with the aftermath of her earlier panic attack, not to mention the residual anxiety that had lingered. Having an idea what would help to release some of that pent up frustration, he decided to vocalize the suggestion at the forefront of his mind.
"What do you say we get out of here for a bit? Go for a drive or something?"
Olivia gnawed on her lower lip, and Elliot could tell there was something she was considering, but was hesitating to voice out loud.
"Liv, what is it?"
"Promise me you won't think it's stupid?"
"Never."
As Olivia gave a nod of acceptance, Elliot watched as his partner seemed to be gathering her courage. Whatever it was she wanted to ask, it was something she deemed that he would judge her for – which would never happen.
"I know we already had our morning walk, but I'd kind of like to go to the zoo. I promise I won't overdo it, and will take breaks walking around if I need to. I just -"
Elliot held up his hand, stopping Olivia mid sentence. She inhaled sharply, as though suddenly aware of how fast she had been talking.
"Liv, easy. Of course we can go to the zoo. I think it's a great idea. It's a beautiful day out, and just like we said concerning the lighthouse, it's better to go now, before the tourists filter in and make everything too crowded for our liking."
Olivia smiled in relief, which soon morphed into actual laughter.
"What's so funny?"
"Just the thought of us, two people from New York City, of all places, talking about things we can do to avoid crowds. You do realize we can't let anyone else find out about this, right? Especially those we know in Manhattan, they may revoke our membership."
"It's all right, Liv. I know the other boroughs pretty well, I'm sure we could fit in somewhere else – just as long as it isn't Queens."
Half an hour later, Elliot and Olivia were out the door and on their way. They probably would have been ready to leave sooner, but Olivia had wanted another shower, needing to feel refreshed after having dealt with the roller coaster of emotions she'd experienced since finishing breakfast. Naturally, Elliot hadn't had an issue with it, and simply told her to take as long as she needed. The clock had only just struck noon, the zoo would be open until four-thirty that afternoon. Even with the thirty minute drive to reach their destination, there would still be plenty of time to walk around the grounds and enjoy themselves.
Given that Cape May wasn't that big of a town – its population was just over thirty-five hundred people - Olivia hadn't been anticipating a very large zoo. That's why, when she checked her cell phone for information, she was surprised to learn that the Cape May Zoo was situated on a property featuring eighty five acres of grounds, and included over five hundred animals. There would be plenty to see. As an added bonus, admission to the zoo was free, not that cost was a concern. Despite their budget friendly activity, that didn't deter Olivia from the plan she was already formulating – one that involved her treating Elliot to lunch for a change. She was already anticipating an argument, but was determined to stand her ground. Logically, she knew it wasn't a matter of 'owing' him anything, but he'd done so much for her, that she wanted to do something nice for him, too.
When they arrived, Elliot found a space in the lot without any issues, as there was plenty of parking available, much to Olivia's relief. It reaffirmed her earlier belief that because it was still considered off-season, the crowds would be relatively sparse. Even so, a few nagging waves of anxiety crept into the pit of Olivia's stomach, which she tried her best to suppress. It was only after walking through the front gates, when she felt Elliot casually envelop her smaller hand in his larger one that her nerves began to abate. It didn't even occur to Olivia to reject the gesture of intimacy, she was already so accustomed to it from their morning walks together. Plus, it wasn't as though their display were something that could be viewed as obscene or something that would make others uncomfortable. If anything, Olivia found that the close contact with her partner grounded her, kept her more aware and in the present, and she wasn't about to deny herself that comfort.
As they walked around, pausing in front of the various exhibits to take time to look at the animals in their habitats, Olivia tried her best to focus on the here and now. There were times when her thoughts would try and get the better of her, in particular when they were in areas that were more crowded than others. Ever perceptive, Elliot always checked in with her, making certain she didn't need to step away for a few minutes to find a quiet bench. More often than than not, Olivia was able to push away the anxieties on her own, until they reached a spot that she couldn't fight the feelings of claustrophobia any longer – even though they were outdoors.
Having immediately noticed the way Olivia's grip on his hand had changed, not to mention the slight alteration of her breathing, Elliot didn't hesitate to guide her to a secluded spot not far from the zoo's cafe. Though he hated to leave Olivia on her own for any reason, Elliot thought that a cold drink might help, so once he was certain she would be okay if he stepped away for a minute or two, he hurried into the nearby building. Thankfully, the line inside was minimal, and he returned in no time at all with not just drinks, but something to snack on as well.
"Here you go, Liv. I got you a lemonade. I hope that is okay."
"It's perfect, El. Thank you."
Olivia accepted the beverage, taking a careful sip before setting it down on the table in front of her. That was when she noticed that Elliot's hands weren't completely empty.
"What else do you have there?"
"It's too soon for lunch, but I thought you might be interested in a snack, so I got us a soft pretzel to share. I would have gotten us each our own, but they are huge, so I just figured it would be okay to split one, but if you want one all to yourself, I can go back and -"
Olivia didn't even let him finish his sentence.
"El, it's fine. You're right, they are huge. Sharing one is the right idea. I don't want to ruin my appetite for later."
Elliot broke the pretzel in half, though he hadn't divided it into two equal pieces. He was hoping he could get Olivia to take the larger share, as he was always concerned about her getting enough to eat. Her appetite had continued to improve, so that was promising. However, he'd been worrying about this woman's welfare for over fifteen years – the time away from her side hadn't made that feeling of protectiveness go away. He didn't see it changing anytime soon, either.
If Olivia noticed the difference between their portions, she didn't comment on it. Instead, she nibbled on the salty braid quietly, pulling it apart with her fingers and placing them in her mouth one piece at a time before chewing thoughtfully. Her mind was clearly elsewhere, but she didn't appear troubled, merely lost in thought. Elliot hated to interrupt, but he felt it was only fair he should check in and make sure Olivia was all right to continue walking around the zoo grounds.
"How are you feeling, Liv? Did you need to call it a day, or are you up to seeing what else this place has to offer?"
"Are you wearing out on me, old man?"
Elliot laughed, relieved that Olivia's sense of humor was not only intact, but in full force. While he knew her moods would still vary, it always made his heart happy to see her in good spirits.
"In your dreams, Benson. I can last as long as you can."
"We'll see about that. Just let me finish my snack, and you're on."
A few minutes later, Olivia held true to her words as she brushed the remaining crumbs and flakes of salt from her hands, and drained the last of her lemonade. It was clear that the rest had given her a second wind. The color had returned to her cheeks, and even her eyes were brighter. Almost simultaneously, the pair got to their feet, and headed off in a new direction, eager to explore the parts of the zoo they had yet to see.
After spending another hour or so looking at more animals, Elliot sensed that Olivia was growing weary again, but could tell that she was still reluctant to leave. That was when he remembered something he had seen when they had entered the zoo grounds, and he hoped the idea he was about to suggest wouldn't be too much. His concern wasn't that Olivia would object that what he'd thought of was silly, but more to the fact that it may be too much for her to handle.
"Hey, Liv – what would you say to taking a ride on the train before we head out for the day?"
"As long as you don't try and get me on the carousel. I don't do well with things that spin."
"Noted."
When they reached the booth that sold the train tickets – even though admission to the zoo was free, rides on the train and carousel did cost nominal fees – Olivia retrieved her wallet from her pocket and quickly paid for both fares before Elliot even had a chance to realize what was happening. He tried to protest, but the brunette wouldn't hear any argument.
"Liv -"
"No, El. This is my treat. Please, don't fight me."
Elliot was at a loss. What could he say to that, really? He immediately acquiesced, and didn't put up any additional fight, merely showed his gratitude.
"I won't, Liv. Thank you."
To Olivia's great relief – and Elliot's as well – the seating on the train proved to be just as sparse as the crowds in the zoo, and even though they were on the next to the last scheduled ride of the day, there were plenty of open seats around them. The loop around the park gave them a new perspective on what they'd already seen, and it was – in Olivia's opinion – the perfect way to end their little adventure.
The train ride had been fun, and given Elliot and Olivia a different view of the zoo than they had seen previously. Once they had disembarked, the pair made their way toward the zoo's exit. Even though Olivia had argued that it wasn't necessary, Elliot insisted on stopping in the gift shop to get something to remember their visit. Olivia tried to encourage Elliot toward smaller items, like magnets or postcards, but he wouldn't hear of it.
A few minutes later, Olivia was walking out of the gift shop with a plush red panda in her arms. Though she hadn't been familiar with the animal prior to today, she'd become completely enamored with them on first sight, and spent a good deal of time watching them at their exhibit. Prior to today, her favorite thing to see had always been the penguin encounter – but this particular zoo didn't feature any species of penguin at all.
Once they'd reached the parking lot, and gotten settled in their respective seats in the SUV, Elliot turned to face Olivia. He was trying to gauge not only her energy level, but her current mood. The last thing he wanted to do was overstep and suggest something she wasn't ready for, even if he knew she'd have no problem speaking up about what it was she actually wanted. Either way, he was willing to go out on a limb and offer an idea, and hope his instincts had been correct.
"So, Liv – I know we had talked earlier about getting lunch, but I'm not sure I'm feeling up to sitting in a restaurant right about now, and I'm willing to bet you aren't either. What do you say we switch those plans to takeout instead and grab something on the way back and eat sitting on the couch with our feet propped up watching a movie?"
"That sounds amazing. I was actually going to suggest the very same thing. If you don't mind, I kind of have a craving for Chinese. I know it hasn't been that long since we had it last, but -"
"Nonsense. You know you never have to twist my arm to get me to agree to Chinese food. The real question is, do we want the same place as last time, or shall we try somewhere new?"
They deliberated for a few minutes more, before ultimately deciding to keep with the same place they had ordered from previously. It may not have held a candle to what they were used to in the city, but the food had been good, and neither Elliot nor Olivia wanted to take their chances on getting something they didn't like. The only other thing Olivia asked for was to see if they could find a bakery or something nearby. While Elliot had been diligent about keeping sweet things stocked at the cottage, she'd recently been thinking about apple fritters a lot lately, to the point where she could almost taste them. Of course, now that Olivia had revealed that secret, it became Elliot's new mission to make it happen.
"I really hope I can put a curb on my sweet tooth soon, either that or get back to working out more frequently. Its never been this bad before."
While he figured that Olivia had been merely speaking her thoughts out loud, and that she wasn't exactly expecting an answer, Elliot wasn't going to let her deal with the weight of that on her mind.
Especially not when Olivia had made so much progress in terms of her relationship with food. The last thing he wanted was for her to backslide again.
"It's not as if you're overdoing it, Liv. You're allowed to enjoy sweet things, even if it is a small amount every day. If you want, we can start adding in more fresh fruits instead of the traditional desserts, because strawberries are in season now. I'm sure we can even find others that we'd like, too, like peaches, or even pineapple. It doesn't always have to be melon."
"You have a point."
Elliot was quiet for a few minutes, wondering if he should add anything else on. He ultimately decided to just go for broke, understanding that this was something that Olivia was genuinely worried about, and he wanted to do whatever he could to make her feel better.
"I don't think it's an issue, but if your sweet tooth is something you're still uncomfortable with in a few days, you can always mention it to Lydia. It's possible it could be a side effect of one of your medications, or that its related to something completely different. Either way, she may have some insight."
"That's a great idea, El. Thank you."
A short time later, once they were sitting in the parking lot of the strip mall waiting for their order of Chinese food to be ready, Elliot pulled his phone out of pocket for a second time. He began tapping away at the screen, a clear indication that he was searching for something, which naturally piqued Olivia's curiosity. Since they were already at the restaurant to pick up their dinner, she couldn't imagine what else Elliot would need to look up, so she decided to call him out on it.
"What are you doing?"
"Checking to see if there are any farm markets nearby. If we're going to be getting fresh fruit, we may as well get the best the area has to offer, right?"
As realization dawned, a smile brightened Olivia's features.
"You have a point there. I like the way you think, partner."
"Found one. It's a bit out of the way, but that's not a big deal. So, what do you say, Liv, are you up for a slight detour?"
"Why not? Let's do it!"
After making sure that Olivia would be okay alone for a few minutes, Elliot headed into the restaurant to pick up their order. Olivia was surprised that he hadn't put up more of an argument when she'd handed over money so she could pay for their meal, but ultimately decided to take the win. He returned promptly, placing the bag in the backseat before taking his rightful place behind the wheel. Once he'd entered the coordinates for the farm market into the GPS on his phone, they were on their way, the smells of Chinese food wafting throughout the cabin of the SUV and reminding both Elliot and Olivia just how hungry they really were.
"Hey, El?"
"Yeah, Liv?"
"Not to sound ungrateful, but what do you say we scratch our other plans, at least temporarily? Maybe go to the farm market first thing tomorrow after breakfast instead? I'm just starting to realize how tired I am from all the walking we did today, not to mention the smell of that food is making me really hungry."
"Not a problem. Just let me take this next turn up ahead, and we'll be back at the cottage in about twenty minutes."
It turned out, Elliot's estimate had been almost exact. Once the cottage came into view, Olivia was so grateful to see the familiar structure. She supposed it made sense, as this was the first day where she'd really pushed herself to go out into public for something that wasn't an appointment of any kind. The way Olivia saw things, the afternoon had been a success. Yes, she was tired from their adventure, but not overly so. Her body didn't hold that same bone-weary exhaustion that she'd been feeling for so long now. If anything, despite the fatigue to her muscles, Olivia had to say this was the best she'd felt in ages.
The pair walked in the door, Elliot insisting on carrying their bag of takeout. He placed it on the island counter in the kitchen, then nodded toward the stairs.
"I'm just going to run up and change, then I'll come back and grab some plates and drinks. I know you'll want to get comfortable, too. Meet you in the living room whenever you're ready? Then we can figure out what to watch while we eat?"
"Sounds like a plan, El."
Olivia stood in her room after changing into something more comfortable, assessing her reflection in the mirror. Today hadn't been so bad, as the weather had still been on the cool side, but she couldn't ignore the fact that warmer temperatures were starting to move in with the approach of summer. Soon, she'd have to make a decision whether or not to continue wearing the long sleeved shirts she'd come to favor, or opt for more appropriate clothing in deference to the heat levels.
Last year at this time, in the aftermath of her initial encounter with William Lewis, it had been easy enough to conceal the scars the beast had left behind. While the precinct didn't have a specific dress code for it's detectives to follow beyond business casual, Olivia herself chose to dress in more professional attire. The blazers she favored kept her covered for the most part, so the focus was on her skill as a Detective – now a Sergeant – and not the blemishes that littered her skin.
It wasn't that she was necessarily ashamed of the scars, Olivia reasoned, more that she hated answering questions about them. If she could be free to go out and about her business without being stared at, she would gladly do so, but she just couldn't see that happening. In her experience, people were curious by nature, and whether their intentions were bad or not, they would often stare at anything that wasn't viewed as 'normal'. Then, there was Elliot to consider. While she had been in close proximity with him only once since he'd come to stay, Olivia had made certain to conceal her scars from her partner as well. Instead of being rooted in shame, that had been more of an instinct to protect. Olivia knew there were still parts of Elliot who blamed himself for what had happened to her, even if there was nothing he could have done to prevent it. Just as she had to come to terms with the fact that it had been beyond her control, it had also been beyond his. Even if he would have been in the city when she was taken, there was no telling how events might have played themselves out.
Making her ultimate decision, Olivia shed the hoodie that she was wearing, tossing it on her bed. That left her wearing a pair of knit lounge pants an older NYPD tee shirt that had once belonged to Elliot. As the shirt was larger in size, it hung loosely on her body, dwarfing her frame somewhat. Olivia knew if she shifted in a certain direction, something might become visible, but she was also aware that Elliot would never point it out. Plus, being cloaked in his clothing gave her an extra layer of comfort and protection, like she was wrapped in a perpetual embrace that would keep her safe. Determined now, she turned off the light and padded downstairs before she could change her mind.
When Olivia reached the lower level of the cottage, a part of her had expected to find Elliot waiting for her impatiently in the living room, even though the more rational side of her brain knew that would be impossible. Instead, he was in the kitchen, busying himself at the counter. From the look of things, he was making a fresh pitcher of iced tea. A glance in the living room told Olivia that the drinks were the final touch they'd need to complete their afternoon meal, as the bag of Chinese takeout, plates, and a roll of paper towels were already sitting on the coffee table.
"Hey, Liv. Go ahead and get settled. You can even help yourself to the food if you want, I'll be right in. Also, don't worry about there being a fight over the egg rolls, I ordered extra."
A beat or two passed, before Elliot amended his sentence.
"Actually, you probably knew that, considering the fact that you paid. If I haven't thanked you already, I really appreciate it."
"You're welcome, and I'm still going to wait for you. I'm not going to starve if I wait the additional two minutes it's going to take for you to pour drinks and bring them in."
"Fair enough."
Olivia was impressed that Elliot hadn't argued with her, but she supposed they knew each other well enough by now to know when to push things and when to let things go. Tucking one leg underneath her, she sat down at one end of the couch. When Elliot came in she gratefully accepted her glass of iced tea, and once he was seated, they pulled the table closer to them so there would be less risk of making a mess. Elliot passed Olivia a plate as he began opening up containers. After they had each arranged their plates to their own individual liking, Elliot grabbed the remote. As an afterthought, he remembered they would need utensils to eat with, and turned his head in Olivia's direction.
"Did you want a fork, or would you rather just use the chopsticks they gave us?"
"We've known each other how long now? Have you ever seen me use a fork to eat Chinese food?"
"Point taken."
Elliot reached for one of the several sets of chopsticks that had been included with their order, and held it out in Olivia's direction. She accepted it wordlessly, then nodded her head toward the television screen on the opposite end of the room.
"What should we watch while we eat?"
"I was about to ask you the same thing. I don't know that I'm in the mood for a movie. Maybe one of those travel shows you enjoy so much?"
"That sounds good. Just not anything involving the host eating disgusting things like bugs, okay?"
"Even I have my limits, Benson."
In the end, they ended up coming to a compromise, and agreeing on a show that was part travel, part ghost hunt. Neither Elliot nor Olivia were one hundred percent certain they believed in the existence of ghosts, but the investigations themselves always proved to be entertaining to watch. Not to mention, the historical factors about the locations themselves were downright fascinating.
After they had finished the first episode, Elliot paused the stream for a few minutes. Both he and Olivia had been done eating for a while now, and he wanted to clean up and put away the leftovers so they could have them either for dinner later, or for lunch the following day. On his way back from the kitchen, he grabbed the plastic storage container that held the chocolate chip cookies they had made the day before, knowing instinctively that the fortune cookies included with their meal would not be sweet enough to satisfy Olivia's tastes.
"I'm back, and I brought dessert."
Olivia who had been reclining back against the cushions of the couch, turned her head in Elliot's direction with a soft groan.
"Why is it that just when you think you're full and have convinced yourself you can't possibly eat another bite, someone mentions dessert and suddenly all bets are off?"
"You don't have to eat anything if you don't want to, Liv. I just know how much you've been enjoying a little something sweet after you eat. If you want, we can save the cookies until later."
"I never said I didn't want any cookies."
With a knowing grin, Elliot passed over the container in his hands, knowing full well it was in his best interests to do so. He'd learned early on in their partnership to never come between Olivia and chocolate, and he wasn't about to make a mistake like that now. Watching as Olivia pried off the lid and helped herself to a cookie, Elliot settled himself back on the couch next to his partner. He was about to say something to her as a means of teasing, but when he turned his head back in her direction, the pensive expression on Olivia's face was enough to stop the words on his tongue altogether.
"I don't think I mentioned this yesterday, but did you know that these are the first chocolate chip cookies I've ever baked from scratch? If not for your help, I wouldn't have been able to do it."
The confession, another missing piece of the puzzle from Olivia's childhood, was enough to break Elliot's heart. Granted, his own youth had been anything but perfect, but Bernie had been a fairly decent baker. Yes, she may have preferred the convenience of box mixes, but those times she was mentally sound, the Stabler home had always smelled of fresh baked goods.
"I'm sorry Liv. I didn't know. I hope I didn't upset you by suggesting we bake together. You should have said something."
Olivia turned her gaze to meet Elliot's her eyes shining bright with unshed tears. She shook her head, leaving him more confused than ever before. Realizing that she needed to make her partner understand, Olivia hurried to explain.
"No, El, that's not it. I'm glad you did that. Not only was it an incredible distraction just when I needed one, but it proved to me that I can do so much more than I ever thought I was capable of. I never would have been brave enough to just try a recipe like that without your help. I'd have been too afraid of burning the house down."
In spite of everything, Elliot couldn't help but chuckle at that comment. Olivia wouldn't be deterred, though, and pressed on.
"What I'm trying to say is, these cookies represent an achievement for me, and I'm not sure if it's because we made them together or if they just really are that good, but they are the best damn chocolate chip cookies I've ever tasted."
Reaching out his hand, Elliot selected a cookie from the pile. Bringing it to his lips and taking a bite, he chewed thoughtfully for a full minute before giving his reply.
"You know what Liv, you're absolutely right."
Finishing off the last bite of her dessert, Olivia moved closer to Elliot's side and shifted so that her legs were pulled up to her side. Leaning against Elliot's chest, she didn't flinch when he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pressed a button on the remote, starting the show they had been watching up once more. The evening was still a relative unknown, but for now, in this moment, she was content.
Several hours later, Olivia and Elliot were still in the same positions they had been in earlier, having spent the rest of the afternoon binge watching the ghost hunt travel show they had gotten sucked into. Although they had been mostly quiet, only speaking to one another here and there about the show itself, there was something that had been nagging at Elliot's brain. Part of him was reluctant to bring the subject up for discussion, but his more curious side was demanding an answer. Taking into account Olivia's current calm demeanor and relaxed body language, he decided to take a chance in asking his question, hoping he wasn't pressing his luck.
"Hey, Liv? Is it okay if I ask you something?"
"Technically, you just did, but go ahead."
Elliot took his partner's teasing as another positive sign that what he was about to introduce would be received without causing any upset. He hesitated for only a fraction of a second longer before taking a deep breath and jumping in head first.
"What made you start calling me El again? Not that I mind, I love hearing it, but when I first got here, you would only call me Elliot."
Elliot felt Olivia pull away from where she had been nestled against his side, and his heart immediately sank. He was worried that his fear had come true, that he had said too much and now he was driving her away, that whatever ground they had gained would now be lost. However, that wasn't the case at all. Instead, Olivia had only been moving back so that she could make eye contact when she spoke.
"Simply put, El, I was calling you by your full name because I was pissed at you. If I'm telling the truth, I think a part of me still is, even though that's something I know we are working through. But, I came to realize that by calling you by your full name all the time, I was punishing not only you, but myself by extension."
Olivia paused to take a breath, and Elliot, having already sensed she wasn't finished speaking, didn't dare interrupt. Instead, he waited patiently as the woman next to him took a careful sip of her iced tea and tried to compose herself before continuing.
"This isn't an easy thing for me to admit, so if you give me shit for it, I'm going to kick your ass. Even though other people have used them, the nicknames we have for one another have always been a source of comfort for me, and it was one of the things I missed so desperately when you went away. You don't know what it meant to me to hear you call me "Liv" again."
Although she was trying to keep herself in control, Olivia's emotions were clearly getting the better of her. As she was finishing up her explanation, her voice was shaky, and her eyes were brimming with unshed tears.
"Maybe, when it first started, I was calling you by your full name as a means to punish you and protect myself – just in case you decided you couldn't handle the mess I'd become and decided to leave again. And before you say that would never happen – you have to realize that I've had that promise made to me before, and had it broken. You can't blame me for being wary."
Elliot hated to interrupt, for any reason, but he simply had to interject something.
"I'm not blaming you for anything, Liv. You had every right to be angry with me, and if you did – or do- still have any doubts, I know that is all on me."
Olivia nodded, as though she were accepting Elliot's words as fact but still unable to address them further just yet.
"It was when I slipped and called you El once in a moment of weakness – or maybe it was desperation – that it dawned on me just how much I needed it. Not just you here with me, helping me through this, but the comfort of calling you by the name I'd referred to you by for so many years."
As the final admission passed from Olivia lips, one of the tears she'd struggled so desperately to control broke free and made it's way slowly down her cheek. Without even thinking, Elliot reached out and swiped it away with the pad of his thumb.
"Thank you, Liv, for telling me all this. You didn't owe me any sort of explanation when I asked, and maybe I shouldn't have, but I'm so glad I know some of what has been going on in your head. I also know I don't deserve your forgiveness, and I still have a lot of work to do to earn it, but I'm committed to getting you through this."
Olivia breathed a shaky laugh, and having reached her limit of all the emotional conversation she could handle for the moment, tried to table the subject. However, she was not about to let the topic drop entirely without trying to insert at least a small moment of levity.
"I guess it's a good thing we're going to be having therapy together, then, isn't it?"
Elliot chuckled in agreement, taking Olivia's hand in his own and squeezing gently in a show of support.
"Probably something we should have done years ago."
The topic closed, Olivia excused herself, saying would be back in a few minutes. At first, Elliot was worried that she was upset, but she reassured him that was not the case. Once he caught on to her actual intention, he felt rather foolish, but it wasn't always easy for him to turn off his protective nature, especially when those he cared about where involved. When Olivia did return from the powder room, they settled back into their previous positions, and resumed watching the program they had been before. The only thing was, they had to restart the current episode, as they had gotten so wrapped up in the seriousness of the conversation, neither of them had thought to pause.
Some time later, after the sun had set and cooler evening temperatures settled in, Elliot was closing the windows they'd had open earlier in the day. That was when he realized just how long it had been since they'd last eaten.
"Are you hungry, Liv?"
"I hadn't thought about it, but now that you mention it, it's probably why I'm so restless."
The pair met in the kitchen, Olivia having insisted on helping to prepare the evening meal. They'd already mutually agreed on saving their leftover Chinese food for lunch the following day, so instead were taking stock of their inventory trying to come up with a plan for dinner. Elliot was searching through the pantry and Olivia was rifling through the fridge when she spotted something that caught her eye.
"Hey El, what about this?"
Elliot turned around, to see Olivia holding a package of spinach and cheese ravioli. It was a fresh refrigerated pasta, so it wouldn't take that long to cook, apart from the time needed to boil the water. It was a perfect choice.
"Sounds good. What kind of sauce should we have with it?"
"I'm not really a fan of tomato based sauces lately, unless it happens to be on pizza. I find it upsets my stomach. Maybe a light Parmesan cream sauce? Or, I'd be fine with just tossing the ravioli in some olive oil."
Elliot crossed the room, a pot already in his hands. After placing it in the sink and turning on the water, he doubled back on his steps to accept the package of filled pasta from Olivia.
"I can do a light cream sauce, Liv, no problem. Did you want a salad to go with it? I think we have some garlic toast in the freezer, too."
"I don't need any bread, but I won't say no to a salad. I'll take care of that if you make the ravioli and sauce."
They worked side by side in the kitchen, a task that was becoming an all too familiar habit for them, and within a short amount of time, their simple meal was ready to eat. Together, they sat at the table in the kitchen, unwilling to attempt the balancing act that eating in the living room would require. Conversation during dinner was focused on the events of the day itself, not to mention their plans for Sunday, when they would head out to find a farm market to see what kind of fresh fruits the area had to offer. It was the first time in a long while that Olivia hadn't been able to finish everything on her plate, but she'd eaten a decent portion of both salad and pasta, so Elliot wasn't worried in the slightest.
After a day that had been busier than what she'd been accustomed to in recent weeks, Olivia was more than grateful that the evening that followed had been a relatively peaceful one. Not that she hadn't enjoyed herself spending time at the zoo with Elliot, but as the hours ticked by and it got closer to the time she usually went to bed, Olivia couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. Even though there was still one more day separating her from the busy week that lie ahead, the schedule that waited for her was starting to swim in her brain – and with it, a multitude of doubts.
Instead of allowing the darkness to pull her down, Olivia tried instead to focus on the positive. Unlike when she had first arrived here in Cape May, when there had been so much uncertainty, what lay in front of her could only be described as something akin to hope. Yes, the road would be a daunting one, and for the first time perhaps ever in her life, Olivia was willing to admit that she needed help – a fact already apparent in the new treatment plans that were already emerging. Despite the fears she had voiced to Elliot about whether or not she would be able to resume her position at SVU, Olivia found that wasn't what mattered in the here and now. Yes, it was something that would forever be in the back of her mind, but it wasn't an immediate concern. What was more important, however, was building a bridge with her partner and getting back to the solid ground they had once shared. They were doing well enough on their own, but by going to therapy together, things would only get better between them.
"Liv, you okay over there? You look lost in thought."
Although Elliot's comment had been anything but humorous, Olivia couldn't help the laughter that bubbled forth from her lips. It never failed to amaze her just how well this man knew her, even after the time they had spent apart. There was no other person in this world who could read her tells as well as Elliot did, and she supposed the same held true with her for him. Knowing it would be futile to lie, and that he would only worry more if she tried to dismiss his concerns, Olivia opted instead for the truth.
"Lost in thought? That's the understatement of the year. Drowning in it is a lot more accurate."
"Talk to me."
There it was – what Olivia had been waiting for without even having realized it. The opportunity to free herself from everything she had been carrying for so long. Yes, she had partly shifted the burden from her shoulders to Elliot's the other day on the beach, when the inevitable breakdown that had been looming for ages had finally happened. But this, this was different. She wasn't in crisis now, this would be the conscious transfer of her worries. The only question that remained was she brave enough to let go? It wasn't a matter of trusting her partner – it was more an issue of trusting herself. Some things couldn't wait until their group sessions, they would have to cover some ground on their own. With a deep breath, Olivia locked eyes with Elliot and forged ahead.
"I just got to thinking about this coming week, and everything in my mind started to snowball. I was realizing all the things that need to be done, and it got too overwhelming."
"How can I help?"
"You already are. Whether you know it or not, just being here with me helps immensely."
Elliot tried to absorb what Olivia was telling him, but he still guessed that there was more she wasn't ready to admit.
"Would going to the fruit market tomorrow be too much for you? I know we had a busy day today, and the week ahead is filled with appointments. Do you just need to stay in and take it easy?"
Although Olivia didn't respond right away, her answer was written on her face. She did not want to go anywhere the following day. If Elliot had to wager a guess, she also didn't want to attend the majority of her doctor visits that were scheduled that coming week, but those could not be avoided as easily.
"Am I that easy to read?"
"For me, yes. But then that's part of the reason we worked together so well – our ability to communicate without actually speaking."
Olivia was silent for a few moments longer, before she ultimately admitted what was weighing most heavily on her mind.
"I do need to take a day tomorrow – to put it mildly. Not that I didn't have fun today, or enjoy myself, but I need some time to recuperate and prepare myself for everything that waits ahead."
"No need to explain, Liv. If you want, I can head out early to the farm market when they first open and pick up a few things. By the time I get back, you should be awake and ready to take our morning walk. After that, we can just have a lazy Sunday."
"I like the sound of that."
Elliot reached out his hand, lacing his fingers through Olivia's.
"Do you feel a little less like you are drowning now?"
"I don't know that I'd say that, because I'm still a bit overwhelmed, but it definitely feels like you've tossed me a life vest. At least I think that means I'll be able to sleep tonight."
Elliot hesitated for only half a second, then dismissed his fears of overstepping, deciding that if offered something that Olivia didn't want, she would be comfortable with telling him so.
"Did you want me to keep you company for awhile again? I would be more than happy to read to you some more, or if you'd rather, we could watch some television in your room until you felt drowsy."
"You'd do that? I was too afraid to ask, I don't want to seem too needy."
"Of course I would. I'd stay with you all night if you needed me to."
A frustrated noise escaped Olivia's throat, and while Elliot was concerned, he knew it wasn't directed at him. Rather, her irritation was with herself. For as long as he'd known her, Olivia had been a fiercely independent woman, so the fact that she had to rely on anyone – even him – for anything had to be incredibly difficult for her. What he wanted for her to understand was that just because she was leaning on someone else, it didn't negate her independence in any way. If anything, Elliot wished he had been able to count on Olivia in his own darkest days, that he hadn't cut her out of his life, that circumstances hadn't forced his hand into moving across the country. Maybe if he had trusted his partner, he wouldn't have turned to alcohol as a crutch, but he'd never know for certain. What he did know, he wasn't going to leave Olivia's side again. She had mentioned to him earlier today that she was feeling hope for the first time in a long while. Elliot vowed that he would do whatever it took to feed and nurture that emotion until it not only grew, but thrived. Hope would become a reality for Olivia Benson.
A/N: I'm so very sorry for the delay between updates. I realized the other day that it had been nearly three months since I last posted a chapter to this story. Writers block has been most unkind, and I just dealt with a period of time when the muse wasn't very cooperative at all. I can't promise how active this story will be, but I can assure you I will never forget about it.