Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
Elliot was the first to open his eyes come morning, unsure what exactly had woken him. Still feeling groggy, he fumbled for the nightstand, trying to reach for his phone so he could see the time. When he noticed what the readout on the display was, all remnants of sleep left him in a hurry, and he sat up with a shout to the woman still slumbering beside him.
"Liv, wake up, we overslept!"
His words penetrated through his partner's subconscious, and, in an instant, she was as awake as he was.
"What? Oh no!"
"Try not to panic. I'll still be able to get you to your appointment without being late, we just won't have time for any luxuries this morning."
That was a bit difficult for Olivia to process, but something she could deal with. Since she'd showered the day before, she could get by with waiting until later in the day to take another. Granted, she'd miss her morning walk, but there would be plenty of opportunity for that later, too.
"Give me ten minutes, El, and I can be ready."
"You don't have to rush that much, Liv. We'll head out in about fifteen, and we'll still have time to stop for a takeout coffee at the place near Lydia's office on our way. How does that sound?"
"Perfect. Now stop talking, and go get dressed!"
Though she wasn't angry, merely frazzled, Olivia punctuated her words by giving Elliot a playful shove out her bedroom door, knowing that she, too needed to find something to wear for the day.
Despite the unexpected and abrupt start, the pair were ready and out the door with time to spare. They not only made it to the medical office building well before Olivia's appointment with Lydia was due to start, but were able to get a coffee each and a giant muffin to share from the nearby bakery. They enjoyed their simple breakfast while sitting in the waiting room, still laughing over their morning misadventure.
"Olivia? You can come back now."
Draining the last of the caffeinated brew, Olivia passed her empty cup to Elliot, along with an imperceptible nod, letting him know that she was comfortable with going back to see the psychiatrist on her own. He gave her an encouraging smile, one she couldn't help but return as her confidence was instantly boosted.
A few moments later, Olivia was sitting in what was now a familiar spot in Lydia's office. The empathetic doctor was across from her, and they had just finished exchanging basic pleasantries. As always, Lydia was patient and hadn't peppered Olivia with questions as to how things had been. Instead, she was allowing the woman to speak on her own time and at the pace she was most comfortable. For her part, it wasn't that Olivia was lost for words, she was merely trying to figure out where to start. After turning things over in her mind a few times, she finally decided to lead with something positive.
"So, yesterday Elliot and I finally had a chance to go and visit the lighthouse."
Olivia watched as Lydia said nothing in response, merely smiled and nodded that she should continue.
"It was an amazing experience, one I don't think I'll ever forget – for so many reasons. At the same time, I'm also very proud of myself for the accomplishment, because while the physical activity involved would have been practically nothing for me before all this happened, it was something major now. I know most of that is my own fault, but-"
"I'm going to stop you there, Olivia. While I do understand what you were trying to say, I don't want you to get in the mindset of self blame, even for something like this. You experienced a life altering trauma, and it has affected you in many ways. None of those are your fault. You can't compare the things you did before – or even the ways you reacted – to how you approach them now. It's not fair to you to put that pressure on yourself."
Even though Elliot had been trying to tell her the very same thing for days – practically since his return back in her life if she thought about it – hearing the same advice from a professional really put things into perspective.
"I hear what you're saying, I do – but I've spent my whole life feeling responsible for the actions of other people and trying to find ways to correct them so they don't affect my life. It's not an easy habit to break."
Lydia wordlessly passed over a box of tissues, which Olivia accepted, completely unaware of when it was she had started to cry. Rather than try and stop herself, she embraced the outpouring of emotion and simply allowed it to happen.
"I don't want to put words in your mouth, so please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. I'm guessing you are referring to what you spoke about in an earlier session about your conception, and how your mother treated you as a result."
"Yes."
Olivia wanted to continue, to expand on the topic, but she just wasn't sure how to formulate her words in a way that would make sense. Thankfully, she didn't have anything to worry about, as Lydia wasn't trying to rush her in any way. As she mulled her feelings over in her mind, an explanation started to come through.
"The rational part of my brain knows it isn't logical – years of working at SVU and counseling survivors is screaming at me to not be a hypocrite. But I just can't help but blame myself for the things that have happened. Not just growing up, but the recent ordeal with Lewis."
"In what way, Olivia?"
With a shaky exhale, Olivia tried her best to explain.
"I taunted him from the very beginning. I know it was only to try and make conversation, to see if we could get him to confess. But he threw that at me in court when I was on the stand and it's eaten away at me ever since."
"I don't know much about your case, other than what I've read in your files, but I'm sure you can realize that he was just a master manipulator, and not speaking the truth."
Wiping at the tears that were still falling steadily from her eyes, Olivia continued on in frustration.
"That's what makes it so confusing. He was a master manipulator. It's why he beat so many charges to start with and was able to come after me in the first place."
Crying in earnest now, a sob escaped her throat before she could control it. Instead of being embarrassed, Olivia tried to embrace it, but she was still fighting a great internal battle. She knew what she wanted, but she just didn't feel like she had the right to ask. Thankfully, Lydia was very perceptive, and knew exactly what to say.
"Olivia, did you want me to have Elliot join us for the remainder of the session?"
"Please."
Considering how visibly shaken and upset Olivia was, Lydia was hesitant to leave her alone – even for just the short amount of time it would have taken her to walk out and call Elliot back. Instead, she went to her desk and picked up the phone, dialing direct to reception to make her request.
"Eve? It's Lydia. There is an Elliot Stabler sitting in the waiting room, he accompanied Olivia Benson to her appointment. Would you please ask him to come back to my office? Thank you."
After she hung up the phone, Lydia crossed the few steps to open her door, knowing it wouldn't take long once Elliot heard the request that Olivia needed him to show up. Sure enough, she had barely turned the knob when she was greeted by the panicked face of Olivia's partner. The expression on his features shifted to one of care and concern before Olivia could have seen the fear, however, and Elliot wasted no time in going to sit beside the weeping, trembling woman on the couch and wrapping her in his arms.
"Okay, Liv, it's okay. Just lean on me. I know you're upset, but you've got to focus on your breathing so you don't make yourself sick, all right? Feel how my chest is expanding? Breathe with me."
It took a few tries, but gradually Olivia's breathing evened out – an exercise Lydia herself would have tried, except that the tears had only gotten exponentially worse in the few moments it took for Elliot to step into the room.
"I'm s-s-sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry for, Liv. We all get overwhelmed at times. You don't ever have to apologize for the way you are feeling."
Before moving on with any other conversation, Olivia accepted Lydia's offer of a bottle of water, which she sipped cautiously. She also allowed Elliot to take some of the cool liquid and wet his handkerchief, which he then used to wipe her face and soothe the back of her neck.
Knowing not to ask whether or not she was feeling better – as that was obviously not the case, Elliot instead asked if his ministrations were helping. After Olivia's nod, the pair turned their attention to the psychiatrist, each in need of someone to take the lead.
"Now that Elliot is here, did you want to pick up where we left off, Olivia?"
"Not really, but I know I need to."
"Did you want to bring him up to speed, or would you prefer I do it?"
"You can. If I say the words, I might start crying again. There is no guarantee I'm not going to do that anyway."
Elliot dabbed at Olivia's eyes with the damp handkerchief a second time. He longed to press a kiss to his partner's forehead, or wrap her even tighter in his arms, but he was also mindful that they were in Lydia's office at the moment, and Olivia might not be as welcoming to such open gestures of affection in public. He could also tell how hard she was trying not to break down, and it made his heart ache to see how much she was struggling.
"From what Olivia was telling me, she's struggling with feelings of responsibility and guilt - not just over what happened with her recent trauma, but things she has carried her entire life."
"Liv. You're not to blame here."
"I goaded him. Both in interrogation and while he had me captive."
"And none of what you said puts any of the responsibility for his actions on you."
Olivia turned to face him then, and she looked so miserable and devastated, that Elliot thought his heart would crack and shatter into a million pieces. Swallowing his pain, he instead became focused on helping the woman he loved more than anything deal with her own.
"How many times have we played a part when trying to get the perps to confess? Most of them called us out on it - or if they didn't, their lawyers would. It's a tactic, a strategy."
"But -"
"But nothing. The little voice that is nagging away in the back of your head, Liv? It's wrong. Don't listen to it. I would know, I heard the same one for months. Don't let it destroy you the same way I let mine destroy me."
When Olivia reached for him, Elliot didn't hesitate to take her hand in his and squeeze for everything he was worth.
"You did what you had to do – both to try and get the confession so you could put him behind bars, and then when you needed to do whatever it took in order to survive. And you did survive, Liv. You made it through the trauma, and I'm going to be by your side every step of the way to make sure you make it through the recovery, too."
"Even when I'm doubting myself?"
"Especially when you're doubting yourself."
With a shaky exhale, Olivia nodded. Elliot noticed the moment she squared her shoulders with determination and turned ever so slightly to face the psychiatrist once more. The one thing she didn't do, however, was let go of his hand. It was as though she needed to maintain the tether to remind herself of the strength her partner was fortifying her with.
"I'm s-,"
Olivia caught herself. She'd been about to apologize – again. She was starting to find it a hard habit to break, even when she wasn't the one who was at fault. There was just this perpetual need to make amends for her existence, something that she hadn't felt since she was a child. Perhaps that was where the link between her ordeal with Wiliam Lewis and her mother intersected.
"I'll try my best not to apologize, but I can't make any guarantees. I just feel like I'm causing so much trouble."
Lydia opened her mouth to respond, but Elliot beat her to it.
"While I'm sure Lydia could give you a much more logical and scientific response, I'm going to step in and play devil's advocate with you for a minute, Liv."
"My favorite."
Elliot tried his best to hide his smirk, even though he was beyond thrilled that even with the whirlwind of emotions that Olivia had been experiencing during this therapy session, her sardonic wit was still intact – albeit a bit self deprecating at times.
"Put yourself back in the shoes of Detective – excuse me, Sergeant – for a minute. A survivor comes to you with the same feelings and experiences that you are dealing with. What advice would you give them?"
Olivia said nothing in reply, but the expression on her face spoke volumes. Reaching his free hand out to caress her cheek, Elliot lowered his voice a few decibels to almost a whisper.
"All I'm asking is for you to allow yourself the same grace."
"I hear you, El. I hear you."
The remainder of Olivia's appointment – for the short amount of time that was left, passed without incident, although it was not without its share of emotion. After scheduling both a joint and individual session for the following week, Lydia excused the partners from her office, with the reminder that Olivia could contact her at at any time in the interim if she needed to talk.
Olivia kept silent on the way back to the cottage, and knowing she needed some time and space, Elliot didn't pressure her to talk. Instead, he was formulating an idea in his mind, one he planned to put into motion as soon as possible, and hoped that it would help his friend unleash some of what was causing her so much pain.
After they had parked in the driveway, Elliot followed Olivia into the house, and wasn't surprised in the least when she announced that she was going upstairs to take a nap. Uncertain if she were truly wanting to be alone or not, he made the offer for some company anyway, making sure that Olivia knew she was not obligated to accept. When she told him she'd rather be by herself for awhile, Elliot simply nodded his head, allowing her to go upstairs only after he'd taken a moment to embrace her and kiss the crown of her head. Only when Olivia was out of sight and he'd heard the bedroom door close did Elliot step out onto the patio and reach for his phone, dialing a number that only recently had become familiar.
"Owen? It's Elliot. I was hoping you would be able to do me a favor."
"Of course, anything you need."
"If I place an order at the local sporting goods store, would you be able to pick it up on the way home from your shift?"
"Certainly. Rough day?"
"Yeah, I don't think we're going to make it to the gym, and I know she'll be bummed by it. I thought maybe we could put in a workout here instead."
Owen murmured a sound of agreement.
"It's no problem, Elliot. Just order whatever you need, and text me with the information. I'll swing by and grab it when I'm done in a few hours."
"Thanks, man."
Disconnecting the call, Elliot opened the internet browser on his phone and quickly found the closest store to him. In no time at all, he'd ordered a small selection of items to help with home workouts, including the necessary equipment for sparring exercises, and gone through the checkout process. He made certain to include Owen's name as the person who would be picking up the order, then sent off a text to the other man. A reply quickly followed and it was only then that Elliot could breathe a little easier.
Stepping back inside, he wandered upstairs to the bedroom he was using only for storing his clothes at this point, trying his best not to glance too long at the closed door on the other side of the hallway. As much as Elliot trusted Olivia to know what she needed and to make her own decisions, a part of him was out of his mind with worry wondering whether or not she was sleeping peacefully, or still lost to her own torment and suffering in silence.
After changing into something more comfortable, Elliot padded back downstairs, stopping first in the kitchen to grab a bottle of water before settling on the couch in the living room with his tablet. It was still too early in the day to try and reach out to any of his kids – they would all be too busy with either school or work, so instead he busied himself by trying to read. That distraction technique didn't seem to work for long, as his couldn't seem to get his concentration to focus on any particular thing, too worried about his partner to think clearly. Upon realizing that he'd been reading and re-reading the same sentence for the last ten minutes without any of the words making sense, he gave up entirely.
Elliot didn't know what to do. He was beside himself with worry for Olivia, but out of fear of disturbing any amount of restful slumber she could be getting, didn't dare go up to check up on her. It was still too early to think about any lunch plans, and given the way the morning had gone, he was willing to bet his next pension check that Olivia's appetite for the upcoming meal – if not the remainder of the day - would be fleeting at best. It had broken his heart to see her so upset with herself, but there had been a small amount of relief in knowing she was comfortable with his presence, even during something as private as a therapy session. To know that even after all these years, his partner still carried the blame for what her mother had suffered on her shoulders was almost too much to bear. The feeling was made worse in knowing that with all the time that Serena Benson had been gone, she'd never once truly been able to make amends with her daughter before her death.
He wanted to do something for Olivia. Something that would not only lift her spirits, but strengthen the bond between them as their friendship and partnership continued to heal. Elliot searched his brain, trying to think of what type of gesture would be best received, when an idea came to mind. He remembered how Olivia had lost her ever-present "Fearlessness" pendant to evidence, and how she was forever absently reaching in the direction of her throat as though to touch the missing phantom jewelry.
That was where things got complicated – at least in Elliot's opinion. Uncertain as to whether or not Olivia would welcome a duplicate replacement of the necklace that so accurately represented her personality, he was hesitant to immediately purchase one. Instead, he tried to consider other options, ones that would have an equal wealth of meaning to them, but perhaps not conjure up unpleasant memories.
Out of the blue, a wave of inspiration struck him and he picked his tablet back up to began searching – in incognito mode, just in case Olivia borrowed his device. The first on his list was to find a replacement for the necklace that Olivia had lost, with one slight difference. This time, he purchased the version that came in 24 carat gold – which he believed spoke as yet another testament to his partner's strength and embodiment of the world "Fearlessness". The second item he added to his virtual cart was even more sentimental in value, and would be yet another charm for Olivia to include on the chain he would be giving her. As soon as Elliot had laid eyes on it, he had known it was perfect.
It was a custom piece, so that meant it would take longer than the first to be delivered, but that was just fine. After adding his specifications, Elliot didn't have any second thoughts. This new charm was going to be a lighthouse, and in his mind, yet another symbol of Olivia's personality. This time, it was what she symbolized for others, in particular those they had encountered together on the job, and those she had continued to serve in his absence. It would take at least six weeks before it was ready to be delivered, but that wasn't an issue. Olivia was still on sabbatical, and they hadn't even begun to discuss what they were going to do once summer was over.
The sound of footfalls on the stairs brought Elliot back to the present, and he hurriedly finished up what he was doing, making sure he had received the purchase confirmations in his email before closing out the tabs. Just as Olivia stepped into the living room, he had powered off his tablet, barely avoiding looking suspicious.
"Hey, Liv. Were you able to get any sleep?"
"Not really. I dozed a little, but mostly tossed and turned. Couldn't quite get comfortable. Eventually gave up altogether and came to join you."
Studying her carefully, Elliot took note of her pinched expression. He knew immediately what was wrong – she had a headache. He also knew that given what had happened in therapy that morning, Olivia would be feeling too triggered to manage taking anything for the pain, even something as simple as Tylenol or aspirin.
"Why don't you lay down here on the couch? I'll grab you an ice pack and we can just rest here in the quiet."
At first, Elliot was anticipating Olivia to argue, to push back against his suggestion. Instead a look of wonder crossed her features, followed by one of softness and warmth.
"How did you know?"
"Because I've known you for a long time, Liv. I know what you look like when you're hurting. I also understand that taking something for it right now might be difficult, so I thought we could just use a cold compress to see if that helps."
"That sounds wonderful."
Elliot crossed to where Olivia was standing, brushing a kiss against her forehead.
"Go on in and lie down on the couch and get comfortable. I'm going to go upstairs and grab you a pillow. I'll pick up the ice pack on my way back."
"Thanks, El."
Olivia was sitting, not laying on the couch when Elliot returned. He had a pillow tucked under one arm, and was looking with great interest at something on his phone. Retrieving one of the ice packs out of the freezer, he joined her in the living room, placing the pillow on the couch, and carefully easing her down onto it. He then situated himself at the other end, resting her legs gently across his lap.
"So I was curious about something and just had to look. It turns out they actually do make a version of Extra Strength Tylenol for adults in liquid form now, or you can get it in packets that you add to water. I thought I could order some for you. Which would you prefer, or did you want to try both?"
"Maybe both?"
"Done. I also added a few groceries we needed to stock up on. It will be delivered in a few hours."
"I don't deserve you."
"Actually, Liv. It's the other way around. You deserve the world. I just hope one day I can give it to you."
Resting in Elliot's presence with the aid of the ice pack to help combat her headache had allowed Olivia to get more relaxed than she had been previously, but still not in a way that she was able to sleep. Instead, the two partners passed the time by talking quietly. At one point, the discussion of lunch came about, and just as Elliot had predicted, Olivia's appetite was minimal that afternoon. Working together, they came up with the idea that soup would be the best bet, and thinking quickly, Elliot grabbed his phone for a second time to add a couple of quarts of soup from the hot foods section of the grocery store to their order, along with a baguette loaf from the bakery. Realistically speaking, he knew it would be too much food for Olivia to consume all at once, but the leftovers could easily be reheated later that night or even the following day.
Eventually, Olivia's fatigue did get the better of her, and she slipped into a light sleep. Elliot couldn't have been more grateful to have silenced his phone when it vibrated softly next to him, indicating a text message. Using the utmost care not to disturb his slumbering partner, he gently got to his feet and crossed the room to the door to meet Owen, who had arrived with the items he had ordered earlier that morning. Stepping outside the cottage to greet the neighbor, Elliot still purposely spoke in a hushed tone so his voice wouldn't disturb the woman inside.
"Thanks again, Owen. I really appreciate this."
As though he had already intuited the reason for Elliot's quieter inflection in speaking, Owen also lowered his tone when replying.
"No thanks are necessary, Elliot. Like I said on the phone, I'm happy to do whatever I can to help. If there's anything else -"
"Actually -"
"Whatever it is, just say it."
Elliot rubbed his chin for a moment as he considered what he was about to ask. Besides helping him think, the gesture also served as a reminder that it was long past time to shave the beard that had been part of his appearance since his life had been turned upside down and he'd had to go into hiding across the country. But that was beside the point. The other thing to consider was whether or not what he was about to ask the man standing in front of him would get them both in trouble with a certain brunette they both cared about. Given how upsetting things had been for Olivia today, however, Elliot figured it was worth risking her wrath.
"You already know that today wasn't one of the good days for Olivia, which stands to reason it might lead to a rough night as well. The thing is, I need to go to a meeting tomorrow morning, and I hate to leave her by herself, even for just a little while. I also -"
"Don't want her being aware that you've asked me to check up on her?"
"Precisely. She'd kick both of our asses."
"I don't work until the afternoon shift tomorrow at the center, so tell you what I'll do. I'll call Olivia tonight and set up a plan to have breakfast with her – both of you – in the morning. Then you can explain you can't join us because of the meeting."
"That sounds like a good plan, but what if she catches on to us?"
"Worst case scenario? From what I know of Olivia Benson so far, it will be one of two things – she'll either be extremely grateful, or she will tell us both to go fuck ourselves."
Elliot couldn't contain his chuckle, though he did keep the volume low.
"You figured that out about her a lot quicker than I did when we were first partners, that's for sure."
Anxious to get back inside to Olivia, even though from what he could see through the window was that she still appeared to be sleeping, Elliot shook Owen's hand and gathered the bags that the other man had brought. With a wave, Owen headed next door to his own residence and Elliot carefully opened the door, quietly setting the items down. Instead of joining Olivia on the couch again, he opted to sit in the nearby armchair. This way he could still be close, but not disturb her.
Not wanting to give the impression that he was staring, Elliot chose to pick up his tablet again, wanting to give reading another try while Olivia slept fitfully. He hoped she would get at least another thirty minutes uninterrupted rest, at which point their grocery delivery was scheduled to arrive. Trying his best to focus on the screen, Elliot resisted the urge to sigh when his efforts at reading weren't any more successful than his previous attempt. It wasn't until he heard a soft laugh from his right that his attention was diverted to the woman lying on the couch.
"You think very loudly, did you know that?"
Worried that his distracted thoughts had somehow disrupted his partner's sleep, Elliot was instantly contrite. Before he could apologize, though, she was bringing herself to a seated position, an expression on her face he couldn't quite decipher. Thankfully, Olivia followed up with an explanation.
"Then again, I suppose I could say the same thing about myself. You didn't wake me, El – my own traitorous brain did. Hoping I'll have better luck tonight. Maybe I'll even take one of those melatonin gummies and see if that helps."
"Wouldn't hurt to try, Liv."
Elliot was about to say something else, but was distracted by a knock at the door. Easily able to tell the way Olivia visibly flinched at the interruption, he hurried to answer, knowing the cause of the noise was likely only their grocery delivery arriving a little earlier than planned for once. After retrieving the few bags, he carried them into the kitchen, noticing from the corner of his eye that Olivia was padding along behind him.
"Did you want to try some of that Tylenol now, Liv?"
"Yes, please. I had hoped to get away without it, but I think it's necessary."
"Not a problem. Would you prefer the liquid version, or the powder that you mix into water?"
After a few seconds of careful consideration, Olivia opted for the liquid medication, knowing that while both would likely taste horrible, it would go down the quickest and the experience would be over and done with sooner. Judging by the face she made as she swallowed, the flavor definitely wasn't pleasing to the palate.
"Okay, not to bring up a sore subject, but did you want some lunch? We can just keep it simple and heat up some of this soup, have it with the baguette we ordered."
"If I'm being honest? Do I want lunch? No. But I know I need to eat something. Like I mentioned earlier, soup is the safest option. Maybe I can start with just a small bowl, if that's okay? I can always add more, or have something else if I get hungry later."
"Of course, Liv. Now, second question – and feel free to tell me to shut up if I'm putting too much pressure on you – what kind of soup would you want? I ordered two different varieties, chicken tortilla and baked potato."
What Olivia wanted to do was to tell Elliot to take this decision out of her hands – even though it wasn't exactly a complicated choice. She was just still feeling so overwhelmed and inundated from all the emotions she had experienced that morning, that even something as simple as deciding what soup to have for lunch seemed impossible. But, sometimes embracing one's autonomy came with the smallest steps, and she was going to exercise it.
"Potato, please. Not that the chicken tortilla doesn't sound amazing, I just don't think my stomach can handle it right now. Maybe later tonight for dinner – or even for tomorrow's lunch."
"Not a problem, Liv. Give me a few minutes to heat this through. If you want, you can slice off some of the baguette, and grab the soft butter from the fridge?"
Olivia nodded her agreement, secretly glad that Elliot had asked for her help instead of simply trying to take care of her – even if that was in fact what he was doing. Had he told her to wait at the table to be served, it would have only ratcheted up her anxiety even more. At least this way, her hands would be busy, and they would sit down to eat at the same time.
"Would you mind if we ate in the living room? I don't think I could handle anything that requires too much brainpower, but I wouldn't mind watching something mundane while we had our lunch."
"Whatever you need, Liv. Also, did you want me to grab the drinks, or would you rather?"
"I'll do it. You'll be busy with hot bowls of soup. This way, we'll both finish at around the same time."
True to Olivia's prediction, they both finished with their mutual tasks nearly simultaneously. Elliot was carefully balancing a bowl of soup in each hand, using the utmost care not to spill as he followed his partner into the living room. There, he saw that Olivia had already placed a basket of fresh sliced baguette along with the tub of soft butter on the coffee table between two glasses of water.
"Your soup, Liv. Did you need anything else?"
"No thanks, El."
Joining Olivia on the couch, Elliot reached for the remote, and began searching for something they could watch. He remembered what she had said previously about not wanting anything that required a great deal of concentration, so after checking in, decided to settle on one of the ghost hunting shows they had been working their way through.
As he focused on the television screen and began eating his own lunch, Elliot noticed out of the corner of his eye the way Olivia picked up her own bowl. He'd purposely made her serving a small one, not wanting to make her feel overwhelmed by an amount of food that would seem too insurmountable to finish. The first couple of bites were hesitant, but Elliot was unable to determine if that was due to an unwillingness to eat or the temperature of the soup itself. He was quickly able to rule his theory as being the latter when Olivia reached forward and snagged a piece of baguette for herself, bypassing the butter entirely and instead opting to dip the crusty piece of bread in her soup.
Though she didn't ask for more, Olivia managed to finish everything that was in her bowl, along with two pieces of baguette. Elliot opted not to say anything, but kept in the back of his mind the possibility of offering to make a protein smoothie or some other snack later in the day.
One episode of the show morphed into two, then a third. That was when Elliot could sense that Olivia was growing restless again, and decided it would be the best time to suggest the workout routine he had thought of earlier that morning.
"Hey, Liv? What would you say to getting some exercise?"
"Not going to lie, El, that sounds great. However, I really don't think I'm up to going anywhere else today – not even for something as simple as a walk."
It was just as Elliot had guessed, which made him doubly glad that he had made those purchases and asked Owen to pick them up.
"And if I told you we didn't have to go anywhere?"
"What are you talking about? Elliot Stabler, what did you do?"
With a grin, Elliot got up, deciding to draw out the suspense by first taking their empty soup bowls out to the kitchen. When he returned to the living room he stopped over by the door to the bags that Olivia had yet to notice. Bringing them over to the couch, he deposited them on the cushions, indicating to his partner that she should inspect the contents. When she finished and looked up at him with a sense of wonder, he posed yet another question.
"So, what do you think Liv? Feel like kicking my ass?"
It hadn't taken much convincing to get Olivia to agree to Elliot's proposition. There was no denying she was dealing with a great deal of pent up frustration, resulting in a residual energy that had her nearly vibrating and desperate for a release of endorphins that only physical exertion could provide. Had this been any normal day, she would have spent a few hours in the precinct gym and gone a few rounds with the punching bag. Or, if she weren't healing from massive trauma and didn't have a damaged libido, she might have found someone to blow off steam with. But neither of those options were at her disposal right now, and Olivia knew she had to do something, or else she were going to scream. Plus, it wasn't as though she couldn't trust Elliot. Besides all the years they'd worked together side by side, he'd also been her partner in more than one sparring exercise, so she knew she could rely on him to push her just far enough to get what she needed, without testing her limits.
Surprisingly enough, the most complicated task in preparing to work out with Elliot had been deciding what to wear. Normally, Olivia's exercise gear consisted of a sports bra or tank, combined with leggings or spandex capri pants. But she was still so self-conscious about the scars that William Lewis had left her with, that she didn't feel comfortable wearing so little clothing in front of her partner – even if it wasn't his reaction she was afraid of. Instead, Olivia opted for a pair of leggings, and a tank top with a built in sports bra that had a higher neckline than what she usually wore. This way, not only would she have freedom of movement, but everything about her body that gave her anxiety would be covered.
Once she got back downstairs, Olivia found that Elliot had re-arranged the living room in such a way that would allow them to move freely without either running into furniture or injuring themselves. He'd also wisely thought ahead and gotten each of them a bottle of water so they would have hydration at the ready if needed. Like Olivia, he'd changed into something more conducive to exercise, and was now in the process of taking the tags off all the equipment they would be using – the sparring gloves and helmets.
"Did you want me to help you with your gloves and helmet, Liv?"
Ordinarily, a question like that would make Olivia bristle. She prided herself on her independence, was always determined to do things on her own at any cost. But instead, Elliot's question only made her feel cared for, and she appreciated the gesture more than she could say.
"I think I've got it, but maybe you could double check to make sure once I'm done?"
"Whatever you need."
Once everything was sorted, Olivia stood in front of Elliot, arms at her sides. She didn't know how to begin, and didn't understand why she was hesitant about throwing the first punch, even though all that she would be making contact with were his padded hands held out for her to strike. It's not as though they were strangers to this exercise, but that wasn't what was giving Olivia pause. It was the storm brewing in the pit of her stomach, one that had been building not just since her mini breakdown that morning, but for years on end. Thankfully, this was Elliot she was facing, a man who could read her like a book, and knew exactly what to say and when.
"Don't think about it, Liv. Just hit me. I want you to take everything you've been carrying all this time and let it all go. It's just you and me and I can take it. You've been carrying entirely too much, for far too long."
Much like when they were on the beach during that rainstorm not so long ago, Olivia felt something inside of herself shatter and break at Elliot's words. With a feral growl, she began throwing one punch after another in his general direction. Her fists were controlled, and just as he had promised, she knew she could trust him to catch each of her blows. As she flailed, her mind was assaulted by a litany of images of pain and heartache, one right after the other. Each one was punctuated by a punch as Olivia exorcised herself of the demons that had been haunting her for more than a decade.
Richard White.
PUNCH
Cragen calling her into the office to tell her about Serena's death.
PUNCH
Eric Plummer.
PUNCH
Seeing Alex Cabot shot in front of her and believing she was dead.
PUNCH
Maria Recinos – when nobody had believed her that the young girl was real.
PUNCH
Elliot and Munch getting shot by Kyle Ackerman.
PUNCH
Mike Jergens.
PUNCH
Nathan Phelps.
PUNCH
Victor Gitano.
PUNCH
Malcolm Royce, Darius Parker, and finding out Kathy was pregnant again.
PUNCH
Harrison Thomas.
PUNCH
Elliot being blinded by Saul Picard.
PUNCH
The car accident with Kathy and Eli's traumatic birth.
PUNCH
Lauren Cooper.
PUNCH
Lowell Harris.
PUNCH
Merritt Rook.
PUNCH
Facing off against Bushido and Elliot getting shot again.
PUNCH
Linnie Malcolm.
PUNCH
Dominic Pruitt.
PUNCH
Dale Stuckey.
PUNCH
Manuel Rojas, Dean Porter, Terri Banes.
PUNCH
Brady Harrison.
PUNCH
Anne Gillette.
PUNCH
Gladys Dalton and her baby.
PUNCH
Vincent Prochick and his stupid toxic mushrooms.
PUNCH
Calvin.
PUNCH
Sonia Paxton, who had reminded her so much of her own mother.
PUNCH
Jenna Fox
PUNCH
Being told by Cragen that Elliot had put his papers in, and being made to clean out his desk months later.
PUNCH
Eddie Sandow and talking him down.
PUNCH
Clearing Cragen's name after he was framed for murder.
PUNCH
Arresting Dana Lewis for murder.
PUNCH
Coming home to find William Lewis in her apartment.
PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH
Being at Lewis' mercy for four days before rescue.
PUNCH PUNCH
Munch retiring.
PUNCH
Lewis representing himself at trial and humiliating her on the stand.
PUNCH
Cragen's retirement and becoming CO of SVU
PUNCH
Lewis's escape from prison, surrendering to him, Russian Roulette, and his ultimate suicide.
PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH
The trauma and therapy that followed, along with being ordered to take time off from work. Coming to Cape May, Elliot's return, a downward health spiral, hospitalization, and finding her way with therapy.
PUNCH
The last of the punches thrown was weaker than the rest, and accompanied by a wail so mournful that Elliot thought his heart would shatter into a million pieces. Olivia wasn't even aware of the fact that she was crying – and had been for the last several minutes. Conscious of her both physically and mentally exhausted state, he was ready to catch her at any moment, wrapping his arms around her the exact second her knees gave out. Easing them both down to the carpet, Elliot hastily freed first himself then Olivia of the confines of their sparring gear, then hauled her close against his chest, whispering words of comfort and encouragement.
"That's it, Liv, let it all out. I'm here, lean on me, I've got you."
Shaken and spent, Olivia could barely hear what he was saying, she only knew she was safe. Burying her nose in the crook of her partner's neck, she focused on grounding herself by the comforting scent of Elliot's cologne, still so present even above the smell of sweat that clung to her own skin. She continued to weep, her fingers clutching desperately at the material of his shirt, clinging to any lifeline that would keep her in the present.
To Olivia, it seemed like eons had passed before she had calmed enough to regulate her breathing and her tears had abated. In reality, only fifteen minutes or so had elapsed since the moment she had thrown the last punch and collapsed into the safety of Elliot's arms. Now that she was more at ease, he had loosened his grip ever so slightly, giving Olivia the freedom to move if she chose to do so, but still providing the reassurance that he would hold her as long as she needed.
After taking a bit more time to compose herself, Olivia pulled back slightly, feeling when Elliot released her the instant she shifted from his embrace. Given her impressive breakdown, she had thought she would have been too embarrassed to look him in the eye, but this was Elliot after all. She could allow herself to be vulnerable with him without fear of judgment, but there was still instinct to say something to allay his own fears, because Olivia knew otherwise Elliot would worry for her endlessly – just as she would for him if their positions were reversed.
"Thanks, El. I didn't realize how much I needed that."
"You don't owe me any thanks, Liv. Just glad I can be here for you. Anytime you want to go a few rounds, all you have to do is say the word."
The fact that Elliot was essentially giving her carte blanche to kick his ass anytime she felt the urge amused Olivia to no end. At the same time, it was a comforting thought as well, to know that he cared for her so much to understand her need to have a physical outlet for those emotions she wasn't always so sure how to process.
Olivia shifted again, in an attempt to stand. Once again anticipating her next move, it was Elliot who got to his feet first, then offered a hand to guide his partner to hers. Only when he was certain she was steady did he let go. His next step was to offer a post-workout snack of some sort, remembering that neither of them had eaten much yet that day. He was just about to suggest making a smoothie when Olivia spoke up – and this time, it was to read his mind.
"I know you're probably going to want me to eat something to replace all those calories I just burned, and I know I probably should. If I'm being honest, my stomach is still a bit of a mess, turning somersaults like you wouldn't believe, but I wouldn't be opposed to something light. However, there is something I need to do first."
The concern was evident on Elliot's face as he took a step closer, and he reached out a hand, letting it hover awkwardly in the air between their bodies. He wasn't sure whether or not Olivia would welcome his touch, for the first time that day, he hadn't been able to pinpoint what she was trying to tell him.
"Whatever you need, we can make happen. All you have to do is tell me."
Trying to hide her smile, it was Olivia who closed the gap and intertwined her fingers with his.
"Relax, El. My mind may be all over the place still, that's true, but this is nothing to cause you worry. I just need a shower. After that workout, I'm all sweaty and just feel gross."
Feeling like a grade A idiot, Elliot felt his cheeks flush with embarrassment. Of course she would want a shower. Had he exerted himself more than just standing there having been a human punching bag, he probably would have needed one himself.
"Take as long as you need. When you come back downstairs, I'll throw together a smoothie for us with some of that protein powder. How does that sound?"
Olivia gnawed on her lower lip. Truth be told, it sounded wonderful. Yet again, Elliot had known exactly what she needed. Trying to eat something right now would no doubt be overstimulating to her already swamped system, but a smoothie was manageable. However, there was something else that she needed that she was hesitant to ask. Not because she was afraid of being denied her request, but because she hated herself for her own weakness. She shouldn't have worried, though. Her partner once again proved how well he knew her, picking up on the unspoken and gently prompting her to tell him what she needed.
"That's not all though, is it? Talk to me, Liv. Let me know how I can help you."
With a shaky sigh, Olivia charged forward. She was speaking faster than normal, but Elliot didn't have any trouble understanding her.
"It's going to sound stupid, but I'm afraid of being alone. At the same time, I want my privacy, too. Do you think you could come upstairs with me and sit in the bedroom while I shower, just so I know someone is there?"
"That doesn't sound stupid at all, and of course I will. Like I said before, anything you need."
A slightly more confident Olivia headed to the master bedroom, Elliot not far behind. He made himself comfortable on what had become 'his' side of the bed, and started to scroll through his phone, letting Olivia know she could take as long as she needed in the bathroom with her shower, and he would be right there waiting for her return. For her part, Olivia gathered what she would need to change into, and padded into the ensuite, closing the door behind her. For the first time since she'd begun staying here in Cape May, she didn't feel the compulsion to engage the lock, instead allowing the feeling of safety to come from the knowledge that Elliot was keeping guard just outside.
Turning the water to her desired temperature, Olivia stripped out of her workout gear and stepped into the claw foot tub and pulled the curtain around to close herself in. Feeling like pampering herself a little, she used the more expensive brand of shampoo and conditioner that she typically saved for indulgent days, along with a luxurious body scrub. Despite her fatigue, she could have stood under the soothing spray endlessly. But the water wouldn't stay hot forever, and her skin was starting to prune. Plus, she didn't want to take advantage of Elliot's patience and generosity by making him wait for too long – even though Olivia knew he'd never complain.
Finishing up, Olivia carefully stepped out onto the floor mat. Wrapping one fluffy towel around her hair so it wouldn't drip, she used another to dry her body, then went about her post shower routine of applying lotion and scar minimizing cream. Taking her hair down, she used the towel to rub it vigorously, then ran a comb through it to free it from tangles, opting to let it dry the rest of the way naturally. Last but not least, she slipped into the clothes she had deliberately chosen to wear - a pair of Elliot's old NYPD sweats, along with one of his tee shirts that he had gifted her with since they had begun staying here together. Not that he wouldn't appease her request if she were to ask, but donning his clothes would make Olivia feel like her partner were enveloping her in a perpetual hug, and after the way this day had gone, it was exactly what she needed.
After cleaning up the remaining odds and ends, and hanging up her towels to dry, Olivia exited the bathroom to find Elliot waiting for her exactly as he had promised. The shower, along with the sparring exercise he had coached her through, had left her feeling like a new woman, and she was once again so grateful that she wasn't dealing with this alone.
"Thanks, El. Now, how about that smoothie? I don't know about you, but I could kind of go for triple berry."
"If triple berry is what you want, then triple berry is what you'll get."
Olivia smiled, then walked over to where Elliot had stood beside the bed, wrapping her arms around his waist. His arms immediately encircled around her shoulders in response, returning the hug.
"I have another idea. Why don't you let me take care of making the smoothie? As much as I love you taking care of me, one of us needs to put the living room back in order, and since I just got out of the shower, I don't think it should be me moving furniture."
Laughing, Elliot quickly agreed, then pressed his lips to Olivia's forehead before they both headed downstairs.
The rest of the afternoon passed without incident, and while Olivia still felt as though her nerves were on edge, she was able to allow herself to relax and get lost in some mindless programming that she and Elliot were watching together. Her stomach was still turning somersaults, however, and as hours morphed into evening and the time for dinner grew closer, her anxiety started to ramp up yet again. She knew she needed to eat, but the idea of having soup twice in the same day wasn't an appealing one. At the same time, she wasn't sure what else she could manage in terms of food. Thankfully, it wasn't something Olivia had to worry about, because Elliot was already planning a few steps ahead.
"So, one of the things I ordered from the store was some boneless skinless chicken breast, thinking it would make a safe option for dinner. Then I was looking up some recipes online, because I figured that just plain old boring chicken would be too dull for both of us. Found one that is stuffed with goat cheese and spinach. How does that sound?"
Olivia couldn't help but smile. Once again, Elliot had found the perfect solution – something to add just the right amount of flavor without being too much to overwhelm her fragile system.
"It sounds wonderful. I'm guessing you already have a side figured out as well?"
"You caught me, Liv. I was thinking to keep it along the simple lines..and just do a roasted baby red potatoes cut into quarters and seasoned with oil, garlic, and herbs?"
Pretending to take a great deal of time to consider Elliot's suggestion, Olivia tapped her chin with her finger. Finally she came to a decision.
"I'll agree – with one condition."
"What's that?"
"You let me help cook, and we add another vegetable. I don't think I'm in the mood for salad, but maybe some grilled asparagus?"
It wasn't his favorite, not by a long shot, but Elliot could never deny Olivia any of her requests. Especially not today. If she had asked him to bake bread from scratch to accompany their meal, he would have found a way.
"Of course. Anything you want. How about I handle the chicken and potatoes, and you take care of the asparagus and drinks?"
"I can do more than that, El. I'll let you handle putting everything in the oven, but I can cut up the potatoes while you're prepping the chicken, then we'll figure out the rest when we get there. It will go faster that way."
"You're right, as usual."
Olivia said nothing, but her smirk spoke volumes. They were just about to head into the kitchen to get started when her phone rang. It was Owen calling, already knowing what the conversation would be about, Elliot feigned disinterest, and gestured with his thumb over his shoulder that he'd be waiting for Olivia in the other room.
A few minutes later, Olivia wandered into the kitchen, an expression on her face that Elliot couldn't quite decipher. He wondered how things had gone with Owen on the phone, but had a feeling that he wouldn't have to wait long to find out the answer.
"So – as you probably already guessed, that was Owen. He was calling to suggest meeting up for breakfast tomorrow morning. I guess Stacy is out of town for work again, and the boys will be at school, then going to stay with friends for the weekend."
Not quite sure what to say to that, Elliot simply made a noise to indicate that he was paying attention, and waited for Olivia to continue.
"Anyway, I told him that sounded like a great idea, except you had that meeting, so likely wouldn't be able to join us. He said as long as I didn't mind it just being him and me, he'd pick something up and bring it over around nine."
Again, still not sure where Olivia was going with this conversation, and trying to hide his nerves that his and Owen's earlier scheming had been figured out by the brunette standing in front of him, Elliot did the best he could to keep his face impassive.
"So, what I was wondering is, at what point did the two of you decide that I needed baby-sitter?"
Uh-oh. Busted.
Fumbling for his words, and not sure how to begin forming an apology -not to mention worried beyond belief that he had insulted someone who meant the world to him and possibly done damage to the relationship they were working so hard to strengthen, Elliot didn't know what to say. That's why he was completely blown away when Olivia stepped forward, closing the distance between them and wrapped her arms around his neck. Her next words were a whisper, but no less emphatic.
"Thank you."
If he were being honest with himself, that hadn't been the reaction that Elliot was anticipating, but he would never deny Olivia an embrace – especially one that she had initiated. Holding her close, his lips grazed her temple as he whispered back, unwilling to break the quiet serenity of the moment.
"For what?"
"You knew. Once again you've proven just how well you can read me better than anyone. You knew that after today, I'd be feeling vulnerable and hesitant to be alone, but too ashamed to ask for help. Also, you knew that I'd never ask you to sacrifice the time you need at your meetings for yourself just to stay with me. That's why you cooked up this scheme with Owen, to have the idea come from him, and take the decision out of my hands."
Relieved that he hadn't incited her anger, Elliot said as much to that effect when they broke apart from their hug.
"You do make a valid point, El – on any other normal occasion, I would be furious with you for making a decision on my behalf without talking to me about it first. But let's face it, what I've been going through here isn't exactly 'normal', is it?"
"Nonsense. I won't have you talk down about yourself like that Olivia. You know as well as I do that there is no specific timeline for situations like these. Not to mention, you've always been a fucking badass. More than that, you're a warrior. I don't tell you that often enough."
Overcome with emotion, Olivia swiped at her eyes in an attempt to conceal the tears that threatened to fall.
"Dammit, Stabler. You're not supposed to make me cry. Especially not when I'm going to be preparing dinner."
Leaning forward to press another kiss to Olivia's forehead, Elliot gently steered her in the direction of the counter.
"Just make sure you keep your tears out of the potatoes. We don't want them to be too salty."
Laughing now, Olivia grabbed the dish towel that was resting on the counter and swatted her partner with it as he walked past.
"You're such an goofball."
"Guilty as charged."
When it came to dinner, Olivia wasn't sure who was more surprised – herself or Elliot. Not only had she managed to eat an entire stuffed chicken breast, but also a decent sized helping of both the red potatoes and the grilled asparagus as well. It was a relief to see that her appetite, while not completely back to normal, had made a reappearance, as part of of her had feared she would continue to fall backward and perhaps face a relapse with her food related issues.
Currently, they were relaxing in the living room, watching more episodes of the haunted history and ghost hunting show that they'd been enjoying. Back when they'd first stumbled across that selection, Olivia had been hesitant, but then reasoned that after the monsters she'd already faced off against, watching something about others helping troubled spirits find peace might help her achieve some of her own. As an added concession, what she had learned so far only served to solidify her belief that William Lewis was spending an eternity burning in hell. Olivia still wasn't certain what part of the spectrum she was on when it came to organized religion, but on the more spiritual scale, she was much more open than she used to be in her younger years. Surviving all that she had, and having Elliot back in her life was proof positive that sometimes, prayers are in fact answered. She may never have a faith as as concrete and steadfast as Elliot's belief in Catholicism, but it was something to hold on to.
"You with me, Liv? Seems like you were lost in thought for a minute there."
Brought back to the present by the sound of her partner's voice, Olivia felt as her cheeks flushed at being called out. She wasn't sure what was the particular cause of her shame, it certainly wasn't the first time she'd had distracted thoughts – not even the first time that day. Maybe it was because she didn't really have the words to put an explanation to what she was feeling. Thankfully, with Elliot, explanations weren't necessary, and his innate understanding was everything.
"Come here."
Accepting the open invitation for a hug, Olivia leaned into Elliot's embrace, allowing her body to relax against his chest and tucking her head under his chin as she felt his arms wrap securely around her. Part of her was embarrassed at just how many times today she had sought solace in the form of physical affection from her partner, but even with the yawning chasm of shame gaping in front of her, Olivia couldn't deny herself the comfort Elliot was providing her. Before she could get lost in her own head once more, the voice that would forever ground her pulled her back from the brink yet again.
"Don't smack me for suggesting this, Liv, but did you want to go to your room? I know that it's too early to even think about sleep – both with the time and the way I can tell your mind is swimming in circles. I just thought maybe you might be more comfortable in bed. We can just pause the show, and resume watching once we get settled upstairs."
For reasons she couldn't quite explain – Elliot's approach in making sure she was at ease had instead made Olivia more conflicted than ever. Her soul felt like it was torn in two, she both yearned to accept his proposal, to lie within the safety of the four walls the bedroom would provide, cocooned in blankets that still held a faint scent of both the fabric softener from laundry day and her partner's cologne. On the other hand, another part of her felt like a fraud, feeling like she was laying claim to something that didn't belong to her for the first time in ages, even though she had long ago begun to consider the residence Donald Cragen had gifted her indefinitely as home. Whether or not that was because she had truly found a place for herself here, or because of the person she was sharing it with, was entirely too much for her muddled brain to try and process now. What Olivia did know was that yet again she needed saving from herself, and there was only one person she could rely on to do that.
"I think going up is a good idea, El. Just please, I beg you, don't ask me to make any more decisions tonight, no matter how small. I don't think I can handle it."
With his brow furrowing in concern, Elliot got to his feet. Guiding Olivia to hers with one hand while simultaneously using the other to grab the remote and turn off the television in one sweeping motion, he didn't hesitate to lead her to the stairs.
"Go on up and get yourself ready for bed. I'll give you a few minutes to change while I lock up down here and make you a cup of chamomile tea, then I'll join you."
Olivia knew Elliot was speaking the truth, and welcomed the privacy that he was offering her. She was also grateful for the tea he would be making, as her nerves were still on edge, and she'd take anything that would help her settle.
After going through her nighttime ritual, Olivia opted to change into something more conducive for sleeping in. The tee shirt she was wearing was comfortable enough, but Elliot's sweats would be entirely too warm. Swapping them out for a pair of pajama bottoms, she crawled under the covers and used her pillows to prop herself up against the headboard. She knew she should take her medicine, but the thought of swallowing pills was so overwhelming, she just couldn't bring herself to do it the moment – at least not while she was on her own.
As though Elliot had read her mind, again – and if Olivia were being honest with herself she was losing count at how often that had happened today alone – he appeared in the doorway to the room. She could tell that like her, he too had changed into something suitable for sleep, and was also carrying the promised cup of tea.
"Hope I didn't take too long, Liv."
"No, you're fine. Just dealing with one problem right now, and I'm sure you can probably figure out what that is."
She was right. Elliot didn't need more than one guess. Truth be told, he had been worried about when Olivia would need to take her evening dose of medications a fair amount today, too. The ones that came in liquid would be less difficult to manage, but the two that came in pill form might prove more challenging. He wished he could make it easier for her, but the nature of them – one a coated tablet and one capsule – made it impossible for them to be crushed or mixed into anything. Typically, Olivia was able to handle it so long as she paced herself, but now it seemed all bets were off.
"How can I help?"
"Just give me a little space. You can be in the room, only not to close. Logically, I know it's not you, but my brain is all over the place right now. I need to be able to see you while I swallow them."
"Of course. Take as long as you need, don't rush on my account."
It took a few tries, and there was some minor gagging involved, but Olivia eventually got the necessary medications down. She saved the liquid one for last, knowing it would be the easiest. Knowing she wasn't ready to sleep quite yet, she held off on taking the melatonin gummy, instead opting to wait until after she'd finished her tea and she and Elliot had watched a bit more television.
There was one other thing Olivia wanted, and damn it if it didn't make her feel like the neediest person alive, but she was going to ask anyway. Her cup of tea forgotten, she turned to Elliot as he was about to join her on the bed, and tried to summon the courage to ask him what would be tantamount to crossing yet another boundary between them.
"El, do you think you would get under the covers with me tonight? I swear I'm not trying to give you mixed signals, I just don't want to feel alone."
Elliot hurried to sit on the bed and wrap his arms around his partner, but he hadn't pulled back both sets of blankets, and Olivia steeled herself as she prepared for the words of rejection. What she heard instead though was something else entirely – and a reminder of another situation she hadn't yet considered.
"Olivia, believe me when I tell you that I'd love nothing more. But you have been taking emotional hits from all fronts today, and on more than one occasion. I'd never forgive myself if I were to somehow trigger you accidentally during sleep by being too close and bringing up an unpleasant memory."
Waiting a few beats to make sure what he had said had been processed by the woman who meant so much to him, Elliot continued.
"What I will do for you is hold you while we're still awake, and then when you're ready to fall asleep, allow you to use me as a human pillow on your terms for as long as you'd like."
Breathing a little easier, Olivia nodded her acceptance. However, it seemed that Elliot wasn't yet finished. There was one other thing he wanted her to hear.
"I'm not going anywhere, Liv. One day – however soon or far away that may be – should you feel ready to take that next step and share both the bed and the blankets, I will be honored."
Confident that her partner was speaking the truth, Olivia allowed herself to relax. She waited until Elliot settled in the bed beside her and then once the mattress was stable again, reached for her now lukewarm cup of tea. Naturally, Elliot immediately offered to go and reheat it, but she wouldn't hear of it. Instead, she leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder as they resumed the program they had been watching downstairs.
A little over two hours later, as Olivia felt the most at peace she had been all day, and drowsiness start to claim her, she turned on her side where Elliot was laying on his back, relaxing immediately when his arm wrapped around her shoulder. With her final waking thoughts, Olivia reminded herself that it was no secret that the recovery process came with both good days and bad, and while today had been more than difficult, there was every reason to hope that tomorrow would be full of promise. Steeled by hope, she tucked her nose into the crook of her partner's neck, and inhaled deeply, surrounding herself with the comforting scent that would follow her into sleep.