Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.

Elliot woke with a start, needing a few moments to remind himself that the horror he had been reliving was only a dream. Typically, it was Olivia whose sleep was interrupted in the middle of the night or early morning hours, but Elliot didn't need to look at the calendar to know the cause for his unrest. The date was indelibly printed on his memory, a black mark forever darkening his soul. While he had made great strides in healing from his own trauma, May 18th would always be one of the most difficult days of the year. Beside him, Olivia stirred drowsily, having become as easily accustomed to his sleeping habits as he had with hers.

"El? You okay?"

Torn between soothing his partner back to sleep and suffering in silence, or accepting the comfort she would undoubtedly offer, Elliot opted for the latter. After all, it was a common thread in their joint therapy sessions – as well as their everyday conversations – to not keep secrets from one another. Not to mention, Olivia would be able to see through him in a heartbeat if he tried to brush her off.

"Not really."

Still not fully awake, Olivia snuggled closer, wrapping an arm around Elliot's waist. As he felt the warmth of her body against his, he sensed when his racing heart began to calm almost instantly. Relieved that no detailed explanations were necessary, Elliot rested his palm on top of Olivia's hand, craving whatever connection he could get. Maybe it was time he put a more serious effort into finding his own therapist from the list that Lydia had given him. It certainly wasn't fair to burden Olivia with his troubles, not when her own pain was still so raw.

"Don't do that."

Olivia's admonition was sharp, but no less kind. If anything, it reminded Elliot of the advice he had given her on more than one occasion. Before he could form a response, however, she had continued.

"You don't have to hide from me, remember? Partners. For better or worse. That still counts when the person who is experiencing the worse is you."

"But-"

"But nothing. You don't even have to tell me what is wrong. That day haunts me, too. Maybe not as much as for you, but I know what is troubling you."

Olivia was silent for a moment, the only sound in the room that of Elliot's ragged breathing, a lingering effect of his nightmare.

"I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to be honest with me. Don't worry about hurting my feelings or even trying to protect me. This is about you right now. Do you need to go to a meeting?"

Elliot hesitated for only a fraction of a second, and it was that pause that prompted the woman by his side to include an additional comment.

"I won't insult you by asking if you're craving alcohol right now, El. I understand how that works. What I'm saying is, if a meeting is what you need, then I will make sure you get there."

Again, Elliot attempted to argue, but Olivia was determined, and refused to be dissuaded.

"You've been taking care of me for weeks. Let me return the favor. You know that Lydia granted me my driving privileges. This is not a one-way street. I know I'm dealing with my own shit, but that doesn't mean I can't be there for you, too. Don't be afraid to lean on me just as much as I've been relying on you."

Equally humbled and comforted by just how easily his partner was able to read him, Elliot allowed himself to give in. The truth was, he did need a meeting. His desire for alcohol was so bad right now, he could almost taste it, and if he were being honest, he wasn't sure he trusted his own willpower enough to take him straight to the church and into the basement to talk with his support system. If Don were here, he could call the older man for a pep talk, but their former Captain was still sailing the seas with his wife. Instead, Elliot conceded that Olivia's help was exactly what he needed, even if it made him feel like a heel for accepting it. He was supposed to be the one taking care of her, and today he was failing miserably. But Olivia was right about one thing – they were in this together. It's what he had been repeating to her ad nauseam ever since she had allowed him back into her life. He had to believe she wouldn't push herself beyond her own limits, and if he were being honest, he didn't want to face another anniversary alone – not ever again.

In the end, Elliot had agreed that going to a meeting was in his best interest. What had taken a bit longer was the act of swallowing his pride and asking Olivia to accompany him. His indecision wasn't out of fear of her refusal, but rather for the unpleasant memories it evoked. Other than when Don had joined him at meetings, he had only asked Kathy once. Granted it was after she had kicked him out and divorce proceedings were underway, but Elliot had been attempting to build a bridge and have her better understand his struggle. The lack of empathy he had been met with bore no resemblance to the woman who he had shared nearly his entire adult life with. It only served to solidify Elliot's belief that aside from the help of his sponsor and understanding strangers, the road to sobriety was a journey he must walk alone.

It wasn't that it had never occurred to him to reach out to Olivia – then or now – but yet again he was keeping her in the dark merely as a form of protection. Elliot understood all too well what Olivia had experienced watching her mother face the exact same battles – and ultimately lose. It seemed selfish to pull her into his mess, and Elliot never wanted to add another reminder of what his partner had lost. What he had easily forgotten while lost in his torment, however, was that even when she was dealing with her own shit, Olivia was always a force to be reckoned with, and just as stubborn as he. Much like he had refused to permit Olivia to shoulder the weight of her burdens all by her lonesome, she was also willing to help him carry his.

In yet another role reversal, Olivia offered to prepare a simple breakfast before they left, something that Elliot declined – but only for the time being. Instead, he compromised by agreeing to eat upon their return, once his nerves had settled. After they were ready, Elliot followed his partner out to her vehicle, worrying his two-year sobriety chip between his thumb and forefinger. Now more than ever, Elliot needed the reminder the token provided that he was strong enough to stay the course, and as difficult as the anniversary would be, he could fight the urge to drink.

There was something about having Olivia sitting by his side during the meeting, especially today. On the drive over, Elliot had mentioned that he had spoken about her to the others before. If he were being honest, the traitorous part of his brain had worried that his partner would view that admission as a betrayal of some sort of friendship code. But Olivia's response had been to cover his hand with hers, and remind him that what he shared in a safe space was entirely up to him. By her rationale, it was no different than what she opened up about in therapy. It had taken a few minutes, but eventually Elliot latched on to Olivia's logic and allowed himself to relax, even if it was only a little.

Pulling himself back to the present when it was his turn to speak, and feeling guilty for having zoned out so much already, Elliot tried to figure out a way to begin. That was when Olivia intertwined her fingers with his, and gave a a reassuring squeeze. He didn't have to glance to his left to know she would be offering an encouraging smile, but nonetheless felt strengthened by her support.

"As most of you know, my name is Elliot, and I'm an alcoholic. I've mentioned before that I have a little over two and a half years of sobriety under my belt, but when I woke up this morning, I was really struggling."

With a shaky exhale, Elliot looked around the circle. Not that he'd expected any, but his revelation was being met with only compassion and understanding, and not an ounce of judgment. Something else to fortify his belief that coming here today had been the right choice.

"For personal reasons, I don't want to get into too many details, but I'm sure you've heard me mention that I used to be a cop – more specifically, a Special Victims Unit detective. Three years ago today, something happened on the job that changed the course of my life forever, and was ultimately what led to me falling into the bottle in the first place."

Holding on to Olivia's hand for all he was worth, Elliot continued to unburden himself, not ashamed in the least when a few stray tears fell. Even with as much healing as he had done, Jenna's death was something he still carried with him – he probably always would. But, it helped hearing others who shared the struggle with alcohol, and Elliot took their advice to heart.

The meeting came to an end before Elliot was fully ready for it to, but he did feel considerably lighter than he had before he had arrived. Out of concern for Olivia, Elliot was ready to head out almost immediately, and skip the socialization portion, but one look at his partner's face told him that wouldn't be necessary. Instead, after wordlessly making sure he would be all right in her absence, Olivia excused herself, and went to sit in a corner of the room, allowing Elliot some time to talk with the others.

After getting some more much needed guidance, and even exchanging phone numbers with one of the older gentlemen in the group who had offered to act as an additional sponsor of sorts, Elliot returned to Olivia's side. She was calmly scrolling through her phone as she waited, and had a smile on her face as soon as she saw her partner.

"I don't expect this to have been a magical band-aid for what you were dealing with when you woke up – you and I both know trauma doesn't work like that. But, what I do want to know is, did it at least help somewhat? Make the burden a little lighter?"

Pulling her into a hug, Elliot whispered his reply into her ear.

"It did, Liv. Thank you."

"Just like you've told me countless times, thanks aren't necessary. I only want you to remember that you don't have to carry this alone. Keep in mind that I'm stronger than I look."

Brushing a kiss against his partner's temple, Elliot squeezed her hand.

"Believe me, that's something I'd never forget. Now what do you say we head home? I do believe I have an appetite after all."

As they left the church basement and headed to her SUV, Olivia passed the keys to Elliot. Her choice had nothing whatsoever to do with not wanting to drive, but rather giving Elliot back some semblance of control. Just as he had done for her on more than one occasion, Olivia understood what it meant to take back one's power, and she wanted to give that to her partner. Sometimes taking care of someone else meant giving them the freedom to take care of themselves.

Yet another thing Olivia left completely in Elliot's hands was the decision of what to do for breakfast. It was enough for her that he had already decided to eat, although she would have understood completely if his appetite still would have been lacking. Should he choose to stop somewhere on the way back and dine out in public, or prefer to wait until they returned to the sanctuary of the cottage, it didn't matter either way.

"Okay with you if we just head home, Liv? I'm still not feeling that social. I'll try and take you out tomorrow after our appointment, I promise."

"Don't worry about it, El. I figured you wouldn't be in the mood for going anywhere else this morning."

Once they got back, Elliot joined Olivia in the kitchen. It was then that she showed him the recipe on her phone – one that she had initially been planning to make herself. Even though she'd only had two cooking lessons with Owen, they had given her the confidence she needed to venture with trying new things, and what she'd found seemed simple enough.

"Omelet in a Basket?"

Elliot's tone was curious, but no less intrigued. As he skimmed the instructions, he saw that the particular recipe was similar to the more classic dish off 'egg in a basket', sometimes called 'bird in a nest', where a sunny side up egg was fried in piece of buttered bread with a hole cut from the center. In this instance, the hollowed out slice held the filling of an omelet instead, providing all the breakfast favorites in one bite.

"I think that sounds great, Liv, but you don't have to take on the making of breakfast all by yourself. Why don't we do it together?"

"Sounds good to me."

Opting for the method of divide and conquer, the pair worked side by side to chop up the ingredients they had chosen to fill their omelet baskets. When Olivia finished her duties first, she began cracking eggs into a bowl, then seasoned them with salt and pepper while Elliot grated some sharp white cheddar by hand. By the time it came time to assemble, Elliot offered to man the stove, leaving Olivia free to toss together a simple fruit salad to accompany their meal.

Thanks to Olivia's clever find, breakfast was cooked quickly, and the partners were seated across from one another at the table in almost no time at all. While she could tell her friend was still greatly troubled, it did Olivia's heart good to see that Elliot was able to eat, and she had an even greater understanding for all those times he had encouraged her during her own darkest days.

After all food had disappeared and the coffee pot was drained dry, it was Elliot who insisted on cleaning up the mess. Not that there was very much to do, but Olivia opted not to argue, knowing just how much a simple escape like that could be helpful. When Elliot joined her in the living room a short time later, she didn't press him for conversation, deciding instead to let him lead. At first, Olivia was expecting to merely sit in silence together, but was surprised when her partner asked a question that threw her for a bit of a loop.

"Do you think you could help me later? I want to look over some of the names that Lydia gave me. This morning made me realize that I can't keep putting off getting my own therapist."

"Of course, El. I was also thinking you might want to ask Owen his advice as well. Nothing against Lydia whatsoever, I'm sure her references are solid, but with Owen's work at the VA, he might have better input."

"That's a good idea, Liv. At the very least, we can put both lists side by side and see if any names match up."

The decision seemingly made, Olivia cuddled up against Elliot, offering the additional support of physical comfort by her proximity. To her surprise, he suggested they put something on the television, though the more she considered it, it made sense. Reaching for the remote, Olivia wordlessly passed it over, leaving the choice entirely in Elliot's hands. She didn't care if he wanted to watch paint dry, so long as it would bring him a modicum of peace. That was the only thing that mattered.

Much as it always did for her, Olivia found the distraction of watching something mindless proved to beneficial for Elliot as well. It never ceased to amaze that for how difficult it could be to get out of one's own head while sitting in silence – or even with attempting other various activities – television usually worked wonders. It didn't even matter what was on, either. Back before she'd come to Cape May, Olivia had found herself lost in infomercials at 3am, so wrapped up in the product being pitched that she was practically reaching for the phone to place an order. It was only to her advantage that most of the programs she chose sold kitchen gadgets – and her interest in cooking at the time had been very little. Now, however, she could easily get in a great deal of trouble.

Before she had a chance to ask her partner how he was feeling, a chime sounded from her phone. Upon seeing that it was nothing worthy of her immediate attention, she dismissed the notification. Renewing her focus on Elliot, Olivia reached out a hand to rest on his shoulder.

"Everything okay, El? You look like you have a million thoughts running through your head, all competing for the spotlight as to which you will recognize first."

Turning his head to meet her gaze, Elliot couldn't help but smile, even with the warring emotions churning within him.

"Now that is an accurate description if I've ever heard one."

"What can I say? Therapy must be rubbing off on me after all."

Despite his on inner turmoil, Elliot wasn't going to let Olivia self herself short – even jokingly.

"Of course it is. You've been working damn hard. I can't tell you how much I admire that. At the risk of sounding like a badly written Hallmark card, it's days like today that you're my inspiration to do better for myself."

Wrapping her arms around him, Olivia enfolded Elliot in an embrace. Much as he had been reassuring her over recent weeks with subtle gestures of affection, she pressed her cheek against his, allowing the contact to linger.

"Not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, but you might want to work on the delivery. We'll just keep that between us, okay?"

"Noted."

It was a few minutes more before Elliot dared to speak again.

"Hey, Liv? Would it be asking too much you to text Owen and see if he can send over that list of names? It's not that I'm ashamed to ask, it's just that you're closer with him than I am, and-"

Resting a hand on her partner's arm, Olivia effectively silenced him mid sentence.

"Of course I can. I'll do it right now. I think he's on shift at the VA today, so he might even be able to send one over before he comes home."

"Thanks."

Picking up her phone for a second time, Olivia sent a message to Owen, detailing precisely what it was that Elliot was looking for. Not that she felt her request would be misinterpreted as such, but she made certain to emphasize that she wasn't trying to break anyone's confidence, merely looking for providers who had experience treating both PTSD and alcohol related trauma. It would be an added bonus if they also had a background with individuals who had served in either the military or law enforcement. Making sure to include her email address at the end, she hit send, feeling like she was finally doing something productive to help. She just hadn't realized she had spoken aloud.

"I want to say don't think like that, Liv, but in reality, I'm willing to wager what you're feeling right now is probably pretty damn close to what I've experienced for some time now."

"You mean – like a fish out of water, convinced that no matter what you do to try and make it better it's never enough, and wishing you could take all the pain on your own shoulders just so someone you love doesn't hurt anymore?"

Even though he had understood her reasons for moving so she could text Owen, Elliot hated that she was so far away. Much as she did when she was feeling low, he was also craving a closer connection. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, he tugged gently until she snuggled up to him once more, and pressed his lips against her temple.

"That's it in nutshell. And I know what you're going to say next, too. You're going to want to know why I never mentioned it before. My reasons are the same as yours. If you see someone is drowning, you don't stand by and watch them sink further underwater. You jump in and save them, even though you know you will also get wet."

Elliot's explanation made perfect sense. It described not only how they had been taking care of one another in recent weeks, but their entire partnership in a nutshell. Olivia loved the fact the Elliot she knew now was more in touch with his emotions, as well as more open to therapy, but she hated the reasons that had led to it. Much the same way, she likewise despised her own trauma and the changes it had caused in her life. But, no matter how much they desired to, neither of them could turn back the clock – they could only move forward. At least neither of them had to do it alone.

"Hey, Liv?"

"Yeah, El?"

"Would you mind if we got out of here for a bit? I'm feeling a bit restless."

"All you needed to do was ask."

After getting a few details, Olivia learned Elliot preferred to go to the beach, not in the mood for any great amounts of socialization. The meeting that morning had likely tapped him out in that regard, something else she understood perfectly. She was comforted, however, by the fact that her partner found the ocean as calming as she did. No doubt the fresh air would help, too.

The weather was mild today, meaning coats weren't necessary, and only light sweatshirts were needed. Since Olivia had clearly appropriated his gray hoodie for herself – not that Elliot was complaining – he found another similar one in his closet. Grabbing the blanket they kept by the door so they'd have a place to sit on the sand, the partners were soon on their way.

As was customary for them lately, they held hands as they walked the short distance to shore, but neither found it necessary to speak. Once they got to the beach, both were relieved to find that aside from a few people walking near the waterline a good distance away, they were mostly alone. Toeing off their shoes, they took their seats, facing the waves as they gently rolled in. There was a light breeze, and the smell of salt was in the air. With the warmth of the sun beating down on his shoulders, Elliot tried to allow some of nature's own serotonin to boost his spirits.

Elliot wasn't sure how many minutes had passed while he and Olivia were sitting on the beach. What he did know was that the time spent in the outdoors had helped his mood considerably. He wouldn't say he was back up to one hundred percent yet – the day was still weighing heavily on his soul – but the urge to drink was nowhere near as strong as it had been when he had first woken up. He was about to say something to break the silence, in particular to thank his partner for all the support when from out of the corner of his eye, he noticed just how much Olivia was shivering. That was when Elliot realized that the breeze coming off the ocean had picked up in its intensity since they had first arrived, and the wind was whipping around them with more force than before. Immediately concerned, all other thoughts were abandoned, except those for Olivia's well being.

"Liv, you must be freezing! Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"Because I know how much you needed this. Plus, I'm not that cold. Your sweatshirt is helping to keep me warm."

Shaking his head and standing up in one smooth motion, Elliot extended a hand to help Olivia to her feet. Wrapping her in his arms in a gesture that was both a hug and an effort to warm her up, his next words were whispered in her ear.

"I'd be a lot more convinced if your lips weren't chattering right now. Come on, let's get you back home. I love that you want to support me, but please, don't do it at the expense of your own health, okay?"

Pulling back from the embrace only enough that she could meet Elliot's gaze, Olivia scrutinized him with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh, really? And which did you want to be in that particular scenario in regard to that advice – the pot or the kettle?"

"Noted. I'm just as guilty of it as you are. But we still need to get you back."

With a nod of agreement, Olivia laced her fingers with her partner's. Elliot tucked the blanket they had been using under his opposite arm and they retraced their earlier steps back to the cottage. Once there, Olivia ignored Elliot's advice that she sit under a blanket while he made her a cup of tea. Instead, she recommended they work together to prepare lunch – as it had been hours since their shared breakfast. She even suggested a simple meal of soup and sandwiches, something that would be easy to make without a lot of hassle.

After some discussion, they had opted for another of the recipes that Olivia had saved, one for a basic potato soup that took advantage of a few shortcuts. In place of using fresh produce, it instead relied on a bag of frozen shredded hash browns to form the bulk, along with additions of ready made broth and other ingredients. Once they'd studied the instructions, Elliot took on the duties of making the soup, while Olivia busied herself with assembling slices of smoked ham and cheddar along with some fresh tomato on some pretzel bread they had found during their most recent visit to the Farmer's market. She even joined Elliot at the stove once his task was nearly complete to lightly toast the sandwiches in some melted butter. When everything was ready, the partners worked in tandem to set up their platters, which Olivia carried into the living room while Elliot gathered the drinks, napkins, and utensils. Comfortable on the sofa yet again, they returned to their favorite show to watch, and tucked into their lunch.

Two episodes later, the pair had full bellies, and were feeling warmer on the inside as well as on the outside. The dirty dishes were still stacked on the coffee table, and it appeared the partners were having a wordless debate over which of them would concede first and allow the other to clean up. It was one of those times when their mutual stubbornness proved to be a point of contention between them.

"Liv, let me. You cleaned up after breakfast. If you promise not to fight me on it, I won't argue if you try and clean up after dinner."

"Deal."

Elliot got to his feet and began picking up what limited mess they had made, when the sound of Olivia's laughter reached his ears.

"Care to share what you find so amusing?"

"Back when we were on the job as partners, did you ever imagine we'd wind up being this domestic?"

His duties temporarily forgotten, Elliot returned to his seat beside Olivia, gathering both of her hands in his own.

"Only in my wildest dreams."

"El-"

Elliot squeezed Olivia's fingers again, even more gently than before. He knew what he was about to say could potentially terrify her – the concept was frightening to him too - but only because he had never considered himself worthy of a woman of Olivia's caliber, and especially not now. He had simply always just been grateful to count her as a partner, a friend. It had never once occurred to him that she would have imagined herself to be just as undeserving of his love as he was of hers – until recently.

"I know, Liv. I know. I remember when we were at the lighthouse and I told you how I felt, and what you said to me in return. I heard you then, and I want to remind you that I'm never going to ask you for more than you're willing to give. Please tell me you know that."

"I do."

Reassured, Elliot nodded once, then continued.

"What I should have told you that day is that if I'm being honest with myself, I'm not ready for more yet either. We both still have a lot of healing to do. Today has been a stark reminder of that for me. It doesn't change the fact that I love you – I think part of me fell for you the first day we met."

Withdrawing one hand from Elliot's grasp, Olivia rested her palm on the side of his face. Her eyes were soft as she picked up on his train of thought and finished what he had been trying to say.

"That instant connection. I felt it, too."

Elliot smiled, loving the fact she could read him so easily. Still, despite the way things had been evolving between them, they were both still too vulnerable. She knew that, and so did he. It didn't mean that something more could never develop, only that now wasn't the time. However, the steadfast support they provided for one another, each being the rock the other person needed – was everything. In addition to helping combat the depression and anxiety, Elliot had found that Olivia's company helped fight off the loneliness, and he was willing to wager his next pension check that his presence did the same for her.

"No matter what happens, I just want you to know that I'm not going anywhere – not ever again. Walking away from you once just about destroyed me. There is no way I'd survive it a second time. For now, I'm just so damn glad to have my best friend back."

"Me, too."

Although he had been derailed somewhat by his emotional confession, Elliot eventually did return to his task of cleaning up. He took advantage of the extra minute or two alone after loading the dishwasher to compose himself, certain Olivia was doing the same when she excused herself to use the bathroom upstairs not long after.

A short time later, Olivia returned to the lower level, her face freshly washed and her hair pulled back in a ponytail. She joined Elliot in the kitchen, a look of determination on her face.

"It seems to me that our supply of sweet goods has deteriorated completely. I think we should do something about that, don't you?"

"Sounds like a plan. What did you have in mind."

"Nothing too adventurous, but I think I could manage something simple. Even though I've had a couple lessons with Owen, we haven't exactly tackled baking yet. From what I've heard, it requires more precision than cooking, and doesn't allow for as much freedom."

"It can be an exact science, where it is necessary to follow the recipe, but I'm sure we can find something. Or, we have a few boxed mixes that we could try instead."

Suddenly inspired, Olivia pulled her phone from her back pocket and typed something in the search window. Within seconds, she found the perfect recipe – something that utilized a mix of both boxed and fresh ingredients.

"How do you feel about lemon cupcakes?"

"Sounds good to me. What do we need?"

Elliot went to investigate the pantry while Olivia read off the list of the required items.

"Yellow cake mix, lemon flavor instant pudding mix, fresh lemon – both juice and zest, powdered sugar, eggs, oil, and water."

"Seems like we have everything. Did you want to get started now?"

"Don't back out on me now, Stabler."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

Having found their easy banter once more, the two easily divided the duties for making dessert as effortlessly as they had for lunch. The closest they got to an argument – if it could even be called that – was the debate that occurred over whether or not to stick with the simple powdered sugar glaze topping that accompanied the recipe for the cupcakes, or to do an additional search and make a frosting instead. In the end, they opted to do both – the batch they were making would yield a total of twenty-four cupcakes, so one dozen would be topped with the lemon glaze, while the ones that remained would be paired with a cream cheese frosting.

It didn't take long until the batter was ready, and after the paper liners were filled and in the oven, Elliot set the timer on his phone. Ever vigilant about not wanting the food she was making to burn, Olivia set one on her own device as well. Then, her patience unable to withstand the wait until the baked goods were ready and cooled, she dipped into her chocolate stash, needing to satisfy her sweet tooth. Offering a piece to Elliot, they retreated back into the living room, knowing that soon the kitchen would be too warm to linger in comfortably. Once they settled back in their respective spots, Elliot was the first to speak.

"I know we don't have enough time to watch another entire episode before we have to take the food out of the oven, but did you want to start one anyway? I figure that might lessen the chances of one or both of us nodding off."

"That sounds like a great idea. Plus the cupcakes will still have to cool before we can frost or glaze them, so we can just pause, then pick up right where we left off."

Typically, Olivia would have tucked her legs to the side and settled herself against her partner's chest, but she just wasn't able to do that at the moment. While not causing a great deal of pain, she had some minor discomfort in her lower back, likely a result of the folding chairs from that morning, and the way she had been sitting slouched on the beach. She just didn't want to mention it to Elliot, because the last thing she wanted was for him to feel guilty on her behalf, because she'd do it all over again in a heartbeat if he needed her. Instead, Olivia simply changed positions, knowing instinctively that her partner wouldn't mind. Putting one of the throw pillows behind her she stretched her legs out, not surprised in the least when Elliot picked them up and placed them in his lap, casually resting his hands atop of her ankles. There was nothing inappropriate about the gesture, it was simply another layer of the way the physicality between them continued to grow and evolve. While neither of them were ready for the more sexual facets of a deeper relationship, that didn't mean they couldn't share a newfound level of intimacy between them. Sharing a bed, drawing comfort from one another, frequent hugs, all of those were ways they allowed what was blossoming to grow on it's own time.

Trying not to allow herself to be too distracted by her partner's touch – and Olivia was quick to amend her brain that 'distracted' was definitely not the right word – Olivia could only focus on how at ease she felt. Much like the way she fell asleep with the sound of Elliot's heartbeat beneath her ear every night – it was just something else she had to grant herself permission to accept. They'd had to keep a respectable distance for so long, that it was still so easy to forget that these kinds of touches were no longer taboo. No one was going to be whispering behind their backs, or pointing fingers and laughing. Even if they should be the subject of gossip, the only two people whose opinion mattered were right here in this room, and Olivia knew that neither she nor Elliot would care what other people might think. They'd both been through too much private hell for anything else to matter.

The sound of twin alarms buzzing from the direction of the coffee table startled Olivia from her reverie, and once glance at Elliot told her that he had been equally lost in his own thoughts as well. Opting to save the questions until after they had retrieved the treats from the oven, Olivia got to her feet and padded toward the kitchen, knowing Elliot would be following close behind.

A quick test with a toothpick in the center of one of the cupcakes revealed that they had been baked to perfection. After transferring the muffin tins to a wire cooling rack and turning off the oven, the partners were facing off against one another once more. It was apparent they both had something to say, it was simply deciding who would go first. Ultimately, it was a nod from Elliot that gave Olivia the courage to speak.

"I don't know about you, El, but I'm thinking we're going to need to restart that last episode from the beginning. I wasn't really paying attention. Nothing is wrong, I just got lost in my own head for a bit."

"I'm glad you mentioned it, because the same thing happened to me. If you want to talk to me about it, I'll gladly listen, but I need to ask you something first. It's been nagging at me since the meeting this morning."

The instant Elliot mentioned that he wanted to talk, Olivia immediately forgot about anything having to do with whatever they had been watching. Her partner's needs were more important than some stupid program, she'd even place them above her own, though she was willing to wager Elliot might chastise her for even thinking that. Wordlessly, they agreed to return to the living room. As soon as they were sitting, Olivia took Elliot's hand in hers.

"You can talk to me about anything El, I want you to know that. Whatever it is, I'm here for you."

Licking his lips, Elliot tried to figure out the best place to start. Suddenly, it dawned on him what would help, what had been making him feel like a fraud ever since he had woken up that morning. Reaching into his pocket with his free hand, he pulled out the token that he had been clinging to like a lifeline all day.

"I don't know that I've ever shown you this before. I was so proud the day it was first given to me, even if part of me had felt like I hadn't earned it. In so many ways, it had seemed like more than two years had passed – while in others I couldn't believe I had reached that goal."

"I can understand that. It's an incredible accomplishment, El."

Smiling despite the feelings of melancholy that were churning in his gut, Elliot tried to accept the compliment for what it was.

"I'm not fishing for praise. What I'm trying to say is that I feel undeserving. Both of this token, and what it stands for. It's more than just today's anniversary that is bringing me down. I hadn't wanted to tell you before, but this isn't the only time I've faltered recently. I had another close call not that long ago."

"Why didn't you say something before now?"

Elliot gave his partner a knowing look.

"Because I didn't want you to blame yourself."

That was the moment the penny dropped for Olivia – in more ways than one. Even though there was nothing remotely funny about what Elliot was telling her, she had to fight the urge to laugh, only because they were so alike. Too worried and focused about each other's well being than their own. Without even having to ask, she knew exactly when Elliot had faced his misstep.

"It was while I was in the hospital, wasn't it?"

A succinct nod confirmed Olivia's guess to be fact. She hesitated to pry for more details, wanting instead for Elliot to open up on his own terms. She also had to swallow the guilt that was creeping up, reminding herself that while her illness might have served as the catalyst to tempt Elliot's sobriety, it was in no way her fault. Just as her night terrors and various triggers weren't the result of any wrongdoing on Elliot's part. It had been one of the main points of their joint sessions with Lydia – not just healing from what had been broken between them, but learning to live with each other's trauma.

"Yeah. It was the closest I've come to falling off the wagon since Don got me into AA. I actually went so far as to buy a bottle of whiskey. He found me at the hotel just staring at it as though I expected it to solve all my problems. After talking some sense in me, he poured it down the drain and we went straight to a meeting."

Squeezing Elliot's hand even tighter, Olivia tried to encourage him to meet her compassionate gaze.

"I'm glad you had someone who could be there for you when you needed it most. But, even though you faltered slightly, you held true to your promise to yourself. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for, Elliot."

"But that's just it. In that moment, I didn't do it for me, I did it for you. Even though you weren't exactly speaking to me then – it was when you were so angry – I knew I couldn't fail you. If I got drunk, and you needed me, I'd only be failing you all over again."

Letting go of Elliot's hand, but only so she could wrap her arms around him in an embrace, Olivia whispered her next words of reassurance in his ear.

"Oh, El. I hate that you're still so hard on yourself about that. You've more than explained your reasons, and I've forgiven you. It's time for you to forgive yourself, too."

"I don't know if I can. I left thinking you would be better off without me, and you still got hurt anyway."

Shaking him ever so slightly, not in an attempt to startle, but more to get her point across, Olivia tried again.

"And what happened to me is not your fault. Do you think I haven't worked through the what-ifs and possible scenarios a thousand different times? Whenever I do consider what might have happened had you still been part of the squad, it often ends in my worst nightmare coming true. I was able to survive the hell that Lewis put me through, but if he'd have killed you for attempting to save me, there is no way I'd ever have recovered from that."

"I hear you, Liv."

"Then hear this, too. We are often our own worst critics. You know that I'm just as guilty of that as you are. What you said about having stayed sober on my behalf doesn't make you a bad person – it only shows how much you care. Sometimes, doing something for ourselves seems downright impossible, but if we do it for the benefit of someone we love – it doesn't seem as difficult."

Elliot absorbed the words that Olivia had just spoken. They made sense – a lot of sense. But it also served to open the door to another facet of their conversation. When Olivia had mentioned about doing things for oneself being too hard, Elliot wondered just how much she was referring to her own trauma. He knew, that in the early days – even during her hospital stay when she was struggling the most with her appetite, she had cooperated mainly to appease him. Maybe taking care of each other was helping them take care of themselves more than either of them realized.

Emotionally spent from the conversation and what he had revealed, Elliot was relieved when Olivia fell silent not long after her adamant statement. He was still trying to process and absorb what she had said, and it was only their innate understanding of one another that kept him from worrying about not having responded immediately. As he replayed the words over again in his brain, one particular aspect struck a cord that sent a surge of warmth directly to his heart.

"You love me."

"Pardon?"

Trying to hide his smirk, Elliot glanced at his partner, amused no end at the confusion written on her face over his out-of-the-blue announcement. The fact that her reply hadn't been an outright denial gave him the courage to press forward.

"You said that sometimes things are easier to manage when we're doing them for someone we love as opposed to doing them for ourselves. That means you love me."

Again, no argument came from the lips of his partner. Instead, her features softened yet again and she reached out a hand to rest her fingers against the side of his face.

"If you're only figuring that out now, El, then we've got problems. I would have thought I was more obvious than that."

Covering Olivia's hand with his, Elliot lifted it off his face, but only so he could place a gentle kiss in the center of her palm.

"And here I thought I was the one who lacked subtlety."

Drawing her legs to the side and snuggling up against her partner's chest, Olivia commented for a second time, determined not to let him have the last word.

"Let's face it, El, subtlety is not one of your stronger attributes."

Turning her head to the side to brush her lips against his cheek, Olivia tacked on a final amendment.

"In all seriousness – yes, I love you. Always have. You're my best friend."

"And you are mine. I love you, too, Olivia."

There was no need for either of them to elaborate on the sentiments they were sharing, or specify the type of love they were referring to. For Olivia and Elliot both, it signified emotions that were all-encompassing and unconditional. The feelings they had for one another transcended the platonic, and even though neither were ready to take things to a deeper, more intimate level, it was no secret that those urges lay buried beneath the surface as well. For now, it was enough to know that they loved and were loved in return.

Sitting on the couch, wrapped in each other's arms, neither was aware of just how much time had passed. All Elliot knew as that the anxiety that had previously claimed his heart had vanished, and only peace and calm existed in its place. He knew Olivia was to thank for that, but he was also aware that she wouldn't want his gratitude. Not that she wouldn't appreciate hearing how grateful he was, but he'd be willing to bet she already knew. It was one of the most beautiful things about their partnership – their ability to read one another so easily.

In the end, it was Elliot who was compelled to move first. Not because he wanted to, but rather as a result of his foot having fallen asleep. If it were entirely up to him, he would have endured the pins and needles feeling for a lot longer, only so as not to disturb his partner – but the sound of Olivia's voice in his head reminded him that it was okay to speak up about his own needs.

"Liv, I need to move. My foot fell asleep."

"No problem. The cupcakes are probably cool by now anyway. Once you get the feeling back, we can frost them and then sample some."

"I like the way you think."

Getting to his feet, Elliot stomped his leg once or twice, then awkwardly limped around the living room for a few laps until the circulation returned to his lower extremity. While he wasn't one hundred percent certain as to the cause, he also drank a healthy amount of water, just in case he had somehow become slightly dehydrated. After he was finished, he busied himself gathering the necessary ingredients for the two separate cupcake toppings – the cream cheese frosting they would need to make, and the much simpler powdered sugar based lemon glaze.

Rather than work together, they opted to follow the same method as they had used when preparing lunch – divide and conquer. Elliot offered to tackle the frosting while Olivia assembled the glaze and applied it to one dozen of the cooled cupcakes. It had briefly occurred to her to ask where her partner had managed to find a pastry bag, but she easily dismissed the thought, reasoning that even though they hadn't spent that much time here, Eileen likely enjoyed baking as well, and had purchased the supplies.

In no time at all, their task was complete. Unable to decide which type of cupcake she'd prefer to try, Olivia was about to leave the choice up to Elliot when he offered the perfect suggestion. Take one of each, cut them in half, and share. The idea was a great one, and soon the pair were settled back on the couch with a mid afternoon snack. The sweet citrus scent was very enticing, and if they tasted as good as they looked and smelled, Olivia would consider the project a success. One bite later, her theory was proven correct. And what she believed made the cupcakes taste even better was the effort she had put in to making them. For someone who had never before had a love for cooking, Olivia was starting to see the appeal.

With their craving for sweets satisfied and their anxieties momentarily quelled, the partners curled back up again in their familiar comfortable position against one another. As Elliot reached for the remote, he skipped back to the episode that neither of them had been paying much attention to and restarted it from the beginning. Before he could press 'play', however, a chime from Olivia's phone caught their attention. Since his arms were longer, it was Elliot who snagged the device off the coffee table and passed it to the woman leaning against him.

"It's a message from Owen. He sent that list of providers we had asked him for earlier. I'm going to download it to my phone so we can compare it to the one that Lydia gave you and see if any names match up."

Olivia paused for a second, intent on her reading.

"Oh, this is wonderful. Owen already did some of the legwork for us, he only included those who are licensed both in New Jersey and New York. That way, when we do go back to Manhattan, you won't have to worry about breaking in someone new."

That was one of the bonuses of working with Lydia. As with most practitioners treating patients in an area so close to city, she was also licensed in multiple states. With technology improving more every day, it gave her a wider range of ways to connect with people. The only limitations that most insurances required was that there was a minimum of one in patient visit per year. That wasn't too bad at all. Even now, if Olivia were having a bad day and didn't feel up to traveling, she could easily switch her visit to a telehealth and conduct her appointment with Lydia via video session over her computer. She hadn't felt the need to do so just yet, but it was nice to know the option was there.

Pushing those thoughts out of her head for the time being, Olivia focused instead on the show she was going to be watching with Elliot. After the day he'd had so far, she knew he needed the distraction – and if she were being honest with herself, so did she. No decisions needed to be made immediately, not even one as benign as what to make for dinner. All they needed to worry about was relaxing and enjoying one another's company.

As it always seemed to happen when they got lost in the shows that appealed to them, one episode turned into several. For two people who never before had been accustomed to large amounts of free time, they were both becoming acclimated to a life of leisure. Granted, Olivia and Elliot would each have preferred that the extended leave of sorts they've been living could have happened without having faced massive trauma, but that went without saying. While Olivia still wavered on her opinion as to what she wanted to do when it came to a return to work, she had finally found an inner peace in not needing to make a decision for the time being. What Elliot had yet to reveal was that he'd been having his own thoughts about going back to the job. He knew SVU wouldn't be possible, but there were a wide array of opportunities available in the NYPD – he'd even be open to teaching at the academy. But much like his partner, that wasn't something that needed to be determined at this very moment.

When the current episode they were watching ended, Elliot stopped the auto play feature from moving on to the next one. It had nothing to do with disinterest, but rather having noticed the time. If they didn't start to prepare something for dinner soon, it was highly unlikely that anything would get made. A low rumble coming from the direction of Olivia's midsection only confirmed that theory, and before Elliot could say a word, she had read his mind yet again.

"I know, I know. We need to eat. I was actually just about to say something, but my stomach beat me to it."

Chuckling softly, Elliot turned his head to brush his lips against Olivia's temple.

"Did you have anything in mind? Or were you wanting to see what magic the internet could find for us again?"

"Actually -"

His curiosity piqued, Elliot turned slightly to face his partner.

"You have my interest."

"When he sent over the list of names, Owen also included a recipe that he wanted me to try. Apparently he had been spying on the ingredients in our fridge the last time he gave me a cooking lesson, and thought it would come in handy on a day like today."

Wordlessly, Elliot held out his hand for the phone, knowing Olivia would have the recipe pulled up and ready for him to read. She pressed it into his palm with a knowing smirk and awaited his reaction.

"Apple Gouda Stuffed Chicken with Roasted Sweet Potatoes. From the looks of it, everything goes on the same pan, so it reduces cooking time."

'Yup."

Elliot didn't need to ask Olivia's opinion, knowing instinctively that she had already put in her vote. To him, the meal plan not only sounded delicious, but also seemed incredibly low maintenance, perfectly suited for the mood of the day.

"What do you say? Shall we work together again?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

The pair headed into the kitchen, and started to divide up the tasks. When it came up to determining who would butterfly and pound out the chicken to an even level of thickness, Olivia had no doubt in her mind. Grabbing the mallet and passing it over to her partner, she just looked at him with a wry grin.

"If its a question as to which one of us needs to release a little extra aggression today, my guess is that would be you. I know the meeting helped, but you also weren't feeling up to going to the gym to work the punching bag. All I ask is that you leave us enough chicken to eat for dinner."

"Very funny. While you're focusing on your comedy career, you can slice the apples and grate the cheese."

"Yes, sir."

Elliot didn't know whether to laugh or groan at the mock salute Olivia gave him before turning back to the fridge. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't just a little bit turned on by her playful display of acquiescence to his teasing command, no matter how much they both agreed neither were in place to take things further. It was just so much fun to get back to the teasing banter they used to share. He hadn't had that camaraderie with anyone since he'd left SVU.

Lost in concentration as he was preparing the chicken breasts to be stuffed, Elliot barely remembered to lay out a piece of parchment paper on the baking sheet ahead of time to make for easier cleanup. Once he transferred the flattened pieces of poultry over, he washed his hands for a second time to avoid cross contamination, hurrying back from his place at the sink when he heard Olivia's soft gasp of pain.

"Liv? You okay?"

"I'm fine."

Tucking a crooked finger under her chin, he lifted her head to meet his questioning gaze.

"Want to try that again? Remember, I know you, Benson."

With a sigh of resignation, Olivia held up her hand.

"I just scraped my knuckle on the box grater, and it hurt. There's nothing to worry about, it's not even bleeding."

"Why don't you let me decide if it's worth worrying about, Liv."

Still not letting go of her hand, Elliot led her over to the sink, where the lighting was a little better, and inspected the injury. Relieved when he saw that Olivia was right in her assessment – the skin hadn't even been broken, there was only a minor scrape on the surface. Elliot allowed himself to breathe a little easier.

"Did you want me to get you a bandage?"

Resting her palm against his chest, Olivia inhaled deeply, subconsciously prompting Elliot to do the same. As they exhaled slowly together, he felt calm reign one more.

"I'm good. Just feeling a bit stupid, is all. But if you're done with the chicken, maybe you could start peeling and chopping the potatoes?"

"Whatever you need me to do."

A few minutes later, thanks to their perfect match of teamwork, dinner was in the oven. After cleaning up the mess made during preparations, they started work on making a salad. Olivia was just adding the finishing touches when the timer went off, indicating the sweet potatoes were ready to be stirred. Making a joke about not wanting Olivia to burn herself – something that earned him a punch on the arm and a dramatic eye roll – Elliot tackled that particular task while Olivia grabbed the last fresh baguette from the farmer's market and began to slice it. Dinner would be ready soon.

By the time they sat down at the table with their plated meals, the kitchen smelled amazing. The Gouda cheese had melted beautifully, and everything was cooked to perfection. Though she hadn't tasted them yet, Olivia could tell already that she was going to love the spice blend on the sweet potatoes. Even though that had been Elliot's job, she remembered from reading the recipe that they had been seasoned with olive oil, smoked paprika, thyme, and sea salt.

Holding out her plate when Elliot offered to dish up some salad, Olivia nodded once he had given her a satisfactory amount. Then, once he had helped himself, she passed the bread in his direction. After all the emotional ups and downs of the day, she didn't want to pressure Elliot into a conversation, so instead she decided that she would follow his lead. What it ended up being was a meal interspersed with a healthy debate on the show they had been streaming, and whether or not the locations the hosts had been visiting were in fact haunted. It was just the perfect light topic and exactly what they both needed.

The rest of the evening passed much as the majority of their day had. With Elliot in a lighter mood, the partners were able to spend time relaxing and enjoying some of their favorite programs. It was only after nightfall that Olivia noticed an increase in Elliot's anxiety once more. Even though she was only guessing as to the cause, she was willing to bet her theory was right on the money.

"El, try not to worry. Our appointment with Lydia tomorrow isn't until late morning. There will be plenty of time to hit up the early meeting at the church before we need to be at her office. We'll probably even be able to grab something for breakfast in between."

"I know, I just hate to ask you to go with me again."

Resting her hand on his forearm, Olivia squeezed gently.

"You're not asking, I'm offering. Plus, as I've probably mentioned before, how often have you accompanied me to various visits lately. This isn't a contest, Elliot – it's a partnership."

"I hear you."

Olivia fell silent for a few minutes, when out of the blue, an idea struck her.

"When was the last time you truly let yourself unwind? For example, by soaking in a bubble bath?"

Elliot looked at her as though she'd suddenly sprouted an extra head – or maybe even grown a pair of antlers. Olivia was fairly certain he thought she was joking. When he spoke his next words, she was even more convinced of it.

"Oh, probably I was overseas in the Marines during Desert Storm. The guys and I used to trade off as to whose turn it was to pamper ourselves. Seriously, Liv – what do you think? The answer is never."

More determined than ever by her sudden wave of inspiration, Olivia got to her feet, dragging Elliot with her. She ignored his confused protests and led him upstairs, first to the room he was using mainly as storage. Instructing him to pick out a change of clothes, she clasped his hand in hers again and ushered him across the hall. Only once they were in the master bath did she stop, and then it was to turn on the taps for the claw foot tub. It was when she poured a healthy amount of her lavender and chamomile foam into the water that Elliot was finally able to formulate a coherent sentence.

"Liv, what the hell are you doing?"

Despite the mild expletive, there was no anger or animosity in Elliot's tone, only confusion – and maybe a hint of panic. Olivia realized then that she probably should have explained her plans a bit better, because she was wondering if Elliot's mind had jumped down the rabbit hole and was remembering the time after her breakdown on the beach when she'd been too broken to stay by herself to warm up, and had asked him to share a bath with her. Not that she was completely opposed to that form of intimacy with him – but neither of them were ready for it yet. No, tonight was about giving Elliot what he needed to let himself relax, just as he'd always given her the encouragement to care for herself. Sometimes all a person really needed in that department was permission.

"Teaching you that it doesn't make you any less of a tough guy to pamper yourself a little. Go on, get in. Give the hot water a chance to soak those muscles of yours that I know you've been holding tense all day, and let the scent of the foam act as aromatherapy. I speak from experience when I say that the fragrance works wonders for stress relief."

"But this is your private space. I don't want to intrude."

Olivia's heart ached hearing that was one of the only things holding Elliot back.

"It is, and you've always respected my privacy. I feel perfectly comfortable sharing it with you. Let it be a place that makes you feel safe, too."

With one last look at the tub, which he did have to admit looked incredibly inviting, Elliot returned his gaze to his partner, and gave a nod of agreement. Rising up on her tiptoes, she brushed a kiss across his cheek and squeezed his hand, then left him on his own, encouraging him to take as long as he needed. Still feeling a sense of awe over what he had just been offered, Elliot turned off the water and peeled off his clothes. Sinking down into the sea of bubbles, he couldn't help the sigh of contentment that escaped and realized that Olivia really had known what she was talking about. He could feel the tension melting away already.

Leaning his head back, Elliot made contact with the small inflatable pillow that he reasoned Olivia also liked to use during her baths. He also couldn't deny that his partner was right about another thing – the scent of the bubbles was helping to soothe him in equal parts, both mind and body. He could understand why Olivia had made it a nightly ritual to enjoy a soak shortly before falling asleep as part of her bedtime routine.

In truth, Elliot didn't think he had been in the tub for that long. It was only when the water started to cool and the bubbles had all but disappeared that he reluctantly decided to pull the plug. Standing under the shower spray only long enough to rinse the residual suds from his skin, he stepped out onto the mat and reached for the towel that Olivia had generously left behind for him to use. Once he was dry he slipped on the pajama pants and tee shirt that he had brought to change into and made sure he had cleaned up after himself sufficiently. The last thing he wanted to do was repay Olivia's kindness by leaving a mess. When he was done, he turned off the light and deposited his dirty laundry in his room, then padded back downstairs.

He found Olivia curled up on the couch, reading from her tablet. Not wanting his partner to doubt his gratitude for a second, Elliot went directly to her side, making sure she heard his approach. Once he was standing in front of her, he bent low and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head.

"Thank you. You're a genius."

"Is that your way of saying you enjoyed yourself?"

Unable to hide his smile now – of course she wouldn't let him get away with just what he had commented. He would have to admit that she had been right.

"Fine. You were right, Benson. Is that what you want to hear?"

"Maybe. It certainly helps."

They were at a stalemate then – a stare down of sorts to see which of them would break first. Ultimately it was Elliot who caved, his smirk giving him away before he lost control completely and gave in to his laughter, Olivia joining in soon after. Once they'd calmed down, she had another question for him.

"Before you sit back down and get comfortable, I wanted to ask, did you want to call it an early night? Not so much for sleep per se, but rather heading up and relaxing in the room? I know sometimes that can help me when my head is all over the place, I thought I'd offer you that same outlet."

"If you're sure you don't mind, Liv."

"Of course not."

They went through their nightly rituals, Elliot taking care of making sure everything was secure and locked up downstairs, while Olivia headed up to get changed for bed. When Elliot joined her a few minutes later, having brought a fresh bottle of water so she could take her nightly medications – he found her already under the covers on her side of the bed and waiting for him.

"Thanks, El. I knew I had forgotten something."

"No problem."

Once he had gotten situated, Olivia passed him the remote, effectively putting the choice back in his hands. Knowing that she would have already set the necessary alarms for the following morning, Elliot skimmed through the list of their selected favorites, trying to decide on what to watch. Before he could narrow it down, however, there was something else he needed to say.

"Liv, thank you for everything today. For being there for me."

"You don't need to thank me for that, El. It's what we do for each other. But if it helps you feel better, just consider it as us trading places for a day. You can go back to taking care of me tomorrow. Just know that I've got your back."

Wrapping his arm around Olivia's shoulders, Elliot pulled her close in a half hug. Before he could let himself get too emotional, he found what he was looking for, and pressed 'play'. The two partners curled up and

settled in for a little more precious downtime before falling asleep, knowing that whatever happened the next day, they would get through it together.