Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
Much to the partner's mutual surprise, it was the alarm that woke them in the morning, and not unrest. For Olivia and Elliot both, the night had been surprisingly restful and nightmare free, allowing each of them the restorative sleep they so desperately needed. However, despite having received adequate slumber, it wasn't enough to keep the residual anxiety at bay for Olivia, something that Elliot honed in on almost immediately.
"Liv? Are you okay? Was yesterday too much for you? I'm sorry if I laid too many of my burdens on your shoulders, especially when you've got a traumatic anniversary of your own approaching."
Resting her palm flat against Elliot's chest, Olivia offered a wan smile. While her facial expression may not have been the most reassuring, her gentle touch was indeed calming.
"El, it's okay. Like I said to you last night, we're in this together. We take care of each other. That means you can lean on me just as much as I lean on you. Yes, it's true my own date is coming up, but if I'm being honest about it, I'm currently choosing to live in denial."
Elliot's brow furrowed with concern, and he opened his mouth to respond, but Olivia beat him to it.
"I know. It's not the healthiest coping mechanism in the world, but for the time being, it's working for me. And yes, I have every intention of mentioning that to Lydia when we see her today."
Satisfied, Elliot nodded, leaning close to press a tender kiss to Olivia's forehead.
"That's all I ask. You know you'd do the same if our positions were reversed."
"Damn right I would."
The pair fell quiet for a minute before Olivia chose to break the silence. Her voice was tentative, as though she were afraid of disrupting the relatively good mood of the morning.
"Not to bring up a bad subject, but did you need to go to another meeting today, El? You know I'll go with you if you did, and we have plenty of time."
"Truth? My first instinct is to say 'no' – which is precisely why I want to go. Yes, I'm definitely in a better head space than yesterday, but I also need to make sure I stay that way. It's way too easy to backslide."
Nodding her understanding, Olivia was quick to agree.
"Then why don't we get ready and head out? We can still catch the early meeting, and there should even be enough time to grab something for breakfast before our appointment with Lydia. If you're feeling up to it, maybe we can even hit the gym after that, too."
"Only if you want to, Liv."
Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, Olivia glanced at her partner over her shoulder.
"I can't keep avoiding it forever."
"You also can't push yourself too soon."
Rising to her feet, Olivia pivoted to face the man who was looking at her with nothing but empathy. She knew he was speaking from experience.
"I hear you. I promise, if it's more than I think I can handle, I'll speak up."
"That's all I ask."
They went their separate ways then, with Olivia heading into the in suite bathroom and Elliot padding across the hallway to his own room – even if these days it was in name only. She had offered on more than one occasion to let him move some more of his things into the master bedroom, but ever the gentleman, Elliot had declined, insisting that Olivia be allowed to maintain her privacy.
It had also been mutually agreed upon by the two of them – without ever having spoken about it – that Olivia would take her shower first. Amenities at the cottage were amazing, and allowed for one person to be using the kitchen sink or to perhaps wash their hands, but simply couldn't accommodate two showers running simultaneously. Plus, the extra minutes spent waiting would afford Elliot the necessary time to prepare a pot of coffee so they could fill their travel mugs for the road. Breakfast itself may be on hold until after Elliot's AA meeting, but they were both in need of a dose of caffeine.
The coffee had just finished brewing when Elliot heard Olivia on the stairs, dressed for the day and a bag slung over one shoulder. Never wanting to assume anything about his partner, but easily able to use his skills of reasoning to deduce that she had likely prepared for the event of them going to the gym after all, Elliot headed for the second level to take his turn at getting ready.
Fifteen minutes later, with thermal mugs in hand, they were on their way out the door. In a better state of mind today, Elliot offered to drive, having noticed that it was Olivia who was the more distracted. He had briefly considered offering to cancel his event, but was not willing to risk his partner's wrath for even the mere suggestion. Even at her most troubled, Olivia was a force to be reckoned with, and Elliot did not want to end up on her bad side.
For the most part, the drive to the Presbyterian church was a quiet one, but not uncomfortably so. When they reached the hall, a part of Elliot was anticipating for Olivia to say that she would prefer to wait in the car, but instead she got out of the vehicle, ready to follow him inside. Grateful as always for her company, they entered the building side by side. Just as she had the day before, Olivia settled herself in a section of the room where she would remain mostly unnoticed, and focused her attention on her tablet – which until now, Elliot hadn't even been aware she had brought with her. Dropping a kiss to the crown of Olivia's head, Elliot promised not to be gone long, and went off to join the rest of the group.
One by one, the other members filtered in. Even though he hadn't attended many meetings at this particular location, Elliot recognized more than a few faces, and was even able to match a few names to go with them. Whether it was because it was nearing the end of the week, or for some other reason unknown to him, today's session seemed more crowded than usual. Either that, or he had been so distressed yesterday, that he simply hadn't noticed.
With the meeting about to begin, Elliot issued himself a mental reminder for the appointment that was coming up next. He wasn't going to wait any longer – today would be the day he would confirm with Lydia, and put the final plans into motion about securing a therapist for himself. He and Olivia had looked over the names the psychiatrist had given, as well as the list from Owen, and narrowed it down to a selection of three. He wasn't even that picky. Whoever had the first available opening, that is who he would see. But that thought was quickly shoved to the wayside as the meeting was called to order, and Elliot focused the entirety of his attention on the here and now.
While it didn't happen often, Elliot found that today was one of those days where he actually felt as though he had helped during an AA meeting, rather than be simply a silent participant. Yes, it was true he had spoken up about his own troubles on more than one occasion, but incidences were rare where it actually seemed as though he were contributing to someone else's recovery. Other than supporting Olivia as she healed from her trauma, he couldn't remember the last time he had felt so useful in that particular capacity. It likely hadn't been since his days on the force. Being able to draw from his own personal experiences and apply them to real life situations had always been a strong skill set of his, and Elliot hoped that he had made a difference. He may not yet have enough years of sobriety under his belt just yet to be a suitable sponsor, but that didn't mean his advice was any less solid.
After the meeting had ended, Olivia and Elliot were in the car on their way toward the opposite section of town – the road that would take them near Lydia's office. The first several minutes of the drive had been quiet, until Olivia's voice broke through the silence.
"I just want you to know how proud I am of you, Elliot, for what you did today. I should have said so long before now. Opening up and sharing like that isn't easy, especially in a group setting. It's why the more intensive therapy program didn't work for me. I'm so glad the meetings help you, and also enable you to help others."
Keeping his eyes trained on the road, Elliot extended a hand out in search of Olivia's. She met him halfway, linking her fingers with his.
"That means more to me than you will ever realize, Liv. I know I don't have to tell you what it's like, in terms of how we're our own worst critics, but I don't often get the reminder of how far I've come. Too many times I look at myself and what I've accomplished in a glass half empty kind of way."
While her first instinct was to admonish her partner for being so hard on himself, Olivia knew that she'd also need to point a finger in her own direction. Elliot had most definitely been right including her in his sentiment about them each being their own harshest critics. She supposed the majority of it stemmed from their mutual dysfunctional upbringings, but no matter the cause, it was a hard habit to break.
Before she could say anything in response to Elliot's statement, he was parking the car. Deciding to table the conversation for the time being, Olivia unbuckled her seat belt and let herself out of the vehicle.
Upon entering the diner – which was more crowded than the last time they had visited, but still not uncomfortably so – the partners easily found a booth that was as secluded as possible. Much to their mutual delight, it appeared that Doris would once again be their server, and they both looked forward to interacting with the woman a second time. Having already had one cup of coffee already this morning, Olivia decided to put a hold on her caffeine intake and instead opted for a glass of orange juice to drink with her meal. Once that decision had been made, it was time for the more difficult task of figuring out what to choose from the menu.
While Elliot was trying to best appease his usual hearty appetite, and narrowing down his options from the larger portions, Olivia was being more careful with her selections. It wasn't that she wasn't hungry, she was just taking into consideration the very real possibility that they may go to the gym after the visit with Lydia, and she didn't want to attempt working out while feeling like she had a lead sinker in her stomach. Finally spying something that caught her eye, Olivia came to a decision. By the time Doris returned to their table with their drinks, she was ready to order.
"What can I get for you two today?"
Though he would have happily let her go first, Elliot knew that one of Olivia's lingering insecurities with food came from ordering in public. A second glance in her eyes confirmed that she was deferring to him. Turning his focus on the older woman standing to his right, Elliot made his request.
"I'd like the double meat sampler platter, please – with scrambled eggs, home fries, and pancakes."
"Sure thing. And how about you, hon?"
"I'll have the poached egg served over avocado toast, please."
Doris followed up Olivia's order by confirming whether she wanted the one or two pieces portion, in which case the brunette opted for the former. After tucking her pen back into the pocket on her apron, the woman promised to submit their breakfasts to the kitchen, and was soon on her way.
Left on their own, Elliot wrestled with himself for a few moments as to whether or not to inquire about Olivia's meal choice. He wasn't overly concerned, merely curious, as what she had selected was considerably less than what she had been eating.
"Please don't take this the wrong way, but is everything okay, Liv? I couldn't help but notice that you didn't order much today."
Instead of feeling angry, or even annoyed, Olivia only felt touched – and a bit guilty. Reaching across the table to rest her hand on top of Elliot's, she made certain to make direct eye contact, so there would be no doubting her sincerity.
"I'm fine, El. I didn't mean to worry you. I was just thinking about the potential of us going to the gym later, and didn't want to eat anything that would sit too heavily. So I picked something that would be sure to provide plenty of energy, plus pack some protein, too."
It did make sense. Feeling more at ease having heard the explanation, Elliot allowed himself to relax. However, it seemed Olivia wasn't yet finished.
"If it makes you feel better, I have every intention on stealing at least one bite of your pancakes."
Laughing, now, Elliot turned his hand so that he was squeezing Olivia's fingers in his own. Before he let go, he raised their joined hands to place a discrete kiss on her knuckles.
"You can have as much of my pancakes as you like, Liv."
The rest of the time spent waiting for their food to arrive was spent talking about what they would do at the gym – in the actuality that they did end up going. It marked the second time that morning that Elliot had seen an air of hesitancy in his partner, and he gently prodded her, knowing instinctively that she was wanting to ask something of him.
"I know it's not usually what you do at the gym – you tend to favor the weights – but would it be a problem if you joined me in the pool, even if it's just for today? I wouldn't ask, but this would mark my first time in a swimsuit since what happened, and -"
Easily able to see how distressed she was becoming, Elliot didn't want Olivia to upset herself any further. This time, he was the one to rest his hand on hers in a gesture of reassurance, and could tell almost immediately at the way she visibly began to calm.
"Easy, Liv. Of course I will. Swimming is great cardio, and I'm not so much of a gym junkie that my world is going to end if I miss leg day."
Now it was Olivia's turn to laugh. She should have known better. Of course Elliot would do whatever was necessary to put her at ease. Maybe one of these days her stupid brain would stop second guessing itself. Until then, at least she had someone who would always remind her that he was there for her.
True to her word, Olivia had indeed snagged a bite of Elliot's pancakes. As delicious as they were, however, she was determined to limit herself – but she hadn't written the item off altogether. Instead, she made a mental note to ask either Elliot or Owen to teach her how to make them sometime soon. In the meantime, her own breakfast was plenty filling and she was extremely relieved that she had chosen the smaller of two portion options.
Even though there was plenty of time between when they had arrived at the diner and their scheduled appointment with Lydia, Olivia couldn't help but check her watch at an almost obsessive frequency. She supposed one of these days she'd become more adjusted to being on her sabbatical, and not worry so much about time management, but it appeared that today would not be that day.
Draining the last of her orange juice, Olivia declined the offer of a second glass, and instead opted to drink water as she finished the last few remaining bites of her meal. When she was done, she wiped her mouth with her napkin and placed it on her plate. When Doris brought over the bill, Olivia snatched it up before Elliot even knew what was happening.
"Liv, what are you doing?"
"Treating you to breakfast, what does it look like?"
Elliot opened his mouth to argue, then immediately thought better of it. Olivia had that look in her eye, that determined one that said he would be better off to pick his battles and just let her have the win. He'd seen it countless times over the course of her partnership, and found it was always best to defer in her favor whenever she looked at him that way.
"Thank you, I appreciate it. Is it all right if I at least leave the tip?"
At first, Elliot thought that his suggestion, too, would bring about a debate, but soon saw Olivia's nod, and knew she had agreed to the compromise. Dropping a more than generous amount of money on the table – they both had a soft spot for Doris – he got up out of his seat and followed Olivia to the front of the diner so she could pay.
A short time later, they were waiting to be called back to Lydia's office. Though neither had discussed a game plan for their session today, that wasn't unusual. They'd each found that the joint therapy for them worked best when they just let the topics come up organically, rather than by feeling forced to talk about something specific. Granted, sometimes it made the appointments feel a bit disjointed, but it was definitely working in their favor. One thing was for certain though, Elliot needed to finalize his plan for his own individual provider before they rescheduled for the next time.
"Olivia, Elliot? You may come back now."
The sound of Lydia's voice pulled both partners from their reflective thoughts. They followed the psychiatrist back to her office and made themselves comfortable. As always, Olivia and Elliot looked to one another, having a silent conversation between them as to who would take the lead.
"So, who would like to start today?"
With a nod of encouragement from the woman sitting next to him, Elliot opted to go first.
"I will. I know I've mentioned before about wanting to seek out private therapy for myself in addition to continuing these joint sessions with Olivia, but something happened this week that really reminded me how necessary that is."
Lydia nodded, her expression full of empathy.
"Can you tell me about that, Elliot?"
As best as he was able, Elliot gave a detailed synopsis of what had happened the other day, including his struggles with his sobriety. Reaching into his pocket, he withdrew the page of three names he had written – narrowed down from a list of several potential references.
"I'm open to any of these three, in no particular order, basically whomever can fit me in at the earliest available date. I just didn't know if you had any additional recommendations?"
Reaching across to take the paper, Lydia scanned it quickly. She then withdrew her phone from her pocket and typed out a brief message.
"The top one you've mentioned, Dr. Lauren Pearce, is a personal friend and colleague of mine. Allow me to contact her and see if she has any cancellations where she is able to fit you in."
As she continued to type, Lydia went on to explain.
"Like you've requested, Lauren is trained in both PTSD and alcohol dependency issues, so she would be familiar with your struggles. Likewise, she works with our local VA and has assisted the police department on occasion as well."
It all seemed too good to be true. If everything worked out, and their personalities meshed, Lauren might very well be a perfect fit for Elliot, just as Lydia was for Olivia. The only thing Elliot wasn't going to hold his breath on was the ability to get an appointment soon. He knew Olivia had lucked out with Lydia, certainly lightning couldn't strike twice for both of them having similar advantages.
Before he could say anything else, or worse, spiral even more into his feelings of doubt, a low buzz sounded from Lydia's phone. Obviously she had the ringer turned off for the duration of her sessions, but it was necessary to keep it in vibrate mode should someone need to contact her in case of emergency. After a quick glance, the psychiatrist looked up at the pair sitting on her couch.
"How does tomorrow morning at nine work for you, Elliot?"
Tongue tied, Elliot didn't know how to respond. In the end, it was Olivia who answered on his behalf.
"He'll take it."
Snapping his head to the side to look at the woman sitting next to him, Elliot was about to protest.
"Don't even think about it, I'll bring you here myself if I have to."
Hiding a smile as she witnessed the dynamic between the two partners, Lydia waited until she got confirmation from Elliot himself before sending a reply back to Lauren, giving her friend the notice to expect a new patient the following day.
"Okay, so now that is taken care of, what else is going on for you two?"
Olivia gnawed on her lower lip, a sure tell that she wanted to say something, but didn't know where to begin. Knowing what his partner wanted – and needed – to say, Elliot reached out a hand, offering support in whatever way he could.
"You need to tell her, Liv."
"I know. I'm just not sure how. I hate to have to say the words."
Not even aware that she had started to cry, Olivia accepted the tissue that Lydia had passed in her direction. Dabbing at her watery eyes, she exhaled shakily and tried to put the muddled emotions in her brain into coherent words.
"As you know, Elliot mentioned how shaken he was the other day – yesterday – because of the traumatic anniversary of the particular date. Though it helped me immensely to be there for him, it also served as my own reminder."
"The one year mark of your first abduction is approaching, is it not?"
Nodding, Olivia tried yet again to regulate her breathing. The last thing she wanted right now was to start hyperventilating.
"Most people who have survived a trauma only have one date to remind them of what they've lived through. I have four. Four days that grew increasingly worse until I managed to break free from that monster. This is the first year I'll have to live them again, and I'm terrified of what that will mean."
When she received no interruptions – not that she had been expecting any – Olivia nervously licked her lips and attempted to continue. All she hoped was that she were making some semblance of sense, because the way the thoughts were all muddled up in her brain, it certainly didn't feel as though she were speaking coherently.
"I don't even know where to begin? Do they all count as an anniversary, or only one of the days? Am I to expect to relive the trauma continuously? Going through it once was hellish enough. I don't think I could bear enduring it a second time."
Whether she realized it or not, Olivia was clinging to Elliot's hand for all she was worth. Her grip was so constrictive that it was almost painful, though he'd never complain. What he had dealt with yesterday on the anniversary of the shooting in the precinct had been pure hell, but he had managed to muddle through. He couldn't even fathom trying to wade through the flood waters of four days of torment. One thing was certain – he wasn't going anywhere. It was bad enough Olivia had had to survive it on her own the first time, he wouldn't let her relive the memories alone.
Thankfully, even though Elliot was at a loss for words – he knew what he wanted to say, he just wasn't sure Olivia was ready to hear it - Lydia was a pillar of strength and sound advice.
"I can't erase what you've been through, but I know that's not what you're asking. I know you are also aware that there is no magic cure that will make those days any easier, at least not this first time. What I can do for you, is offer support in every way possible."
The tears temporarily held at bay, Olivia managed a nod, indicating that Lydia should continue.
"We can schedule an extra session for you next week – either in person or through video call – whichever makes you more comfortable. I understand that you may not feel up to being out in public. Also, I want you to feel free to contact me on any day we don't have a session. Even if it's after hours, I will make time to get in touch with you."
Olivia's voice was shaky, but she managed a response.
"Okay."
What Lydia was suggesting made sense, but what about all those endless hours at the cottage when there was nothing to occupy her mind but dark and distracting thoughts? That was when Elliot chimed in, and as he always did, her partner found a way to be her savior.
"I'll be there to help, too Liv. We won't even need to talk if you don't want to, but know I'll listen to anything you have to say. Also, don't forget that we have that sparring equipment, I remember how cathartic it was for you that time we tried that. I've told you before, if it helps you feel better, I'll gladly let you kick my ass any day of the week."
Unable to stop the laugh that escaped from her lips, Olivia leaned over ever so slightly until her head was resting on Elliot's shoulder.
"Thank you."
It seemed Elliot wasn't done with his suggestions, however. Despite her distress, Olivia was conflicted that her partner could so easily find remedies for her conflicts, and yet have such difficulty accepting help for his own. Then again, she supposed that was yet another way they were alike.
"Also remember, that you have your cooking lessons to concentrate on. You're not obligated, of course, but maybe this would be a good time to learn how to bake bread. Just like sparring with me, punching down some dough would be another outlet for you to relieve some stress."
Though it pained her to admit it, Olivia had to acknowledge that Elliot was right. She wasn't sure how she felt about being around Owen the closer it got to the anniversary of her trauma – nothing against the man who had become a dear friend – mainly because a part of her was anticipating that she'd prefer to isolate as much as possible, save for the company of her partner. That also led another question to arise in her brain.
"How would this affect the medications I'm taking?"
"What do you mean, Olivia?"
Glancing at Elliot for support, feeling encouraged by the smile he gave her, Olivia looked back at Lydia and tried to continue.
"You'll remember that Lewis kept me drugged and drunk throughout the duration of my captivity. I'm worried that as the memories resurface, I'm going to have difficulty swallowing anything, including my necessary prescription medications."
Reaching for the electronic tablet on the table, Lydia pulled up Olivia's chart.
"That is a very valid concern, Olivia. I'm glad you mentioned it. Looking at your medications, I see that for most of them, you are already taking them in liquid suspension forms. The only ones where that option wasn't available was for the Trazodone and Prazosin. Tell me, how do you feel that is helping with your sleep and night terrors?"
At first, Olivia wasn't sure how to answer. Had she been sleeping better? Yes, that was true. But whether her improved slumber was owed in part to her medication regimen, or the fact that she now shared her bed with Elliot, she couldn't say. What she could say with certainty was that trying to swallow any type of pill while stuck in the clutches of those memories that would no doubt be impossible to escape would be a nightmare.
"I'm not sure. I've changed a lot about my nighttime routine since you've prescribed it, so I can't pinpoint just what is helping and what isn't."
Lydia was quiet for a few seconds before offering a suggestion – one that Olivia hadn't been expecting. It wasn't that she didn't trust her psychiatrist, or even feel that she hadn't been listened to. More that having her opinion viewed as important when it came to contributing to her own treatment was deeply touching.
"I'll tell you what I can do, if you're willing to try. We can discontinue the Trazodone – you are on a low enough dose that there would be no need to wean you off slowly – and have you replace it with something over the counter, such as melatonin. That supplement comes in doses of various strengths, I would recommend you start with five milligrams. Also, it is available in chewable form, so you wouldn't have to worry about trying to force yourself to swallow a pill. How does that sound? As for the Prazosin, if you think you can manage a capsule, you can try taking that with a spoonful of yogurt or applesauce to help it go down easier."
Again, Olivia looked to Elliot – whether it was for support or advice, she wasn't sure which.
"Whatever you decide, Liv, you know I'll back you."
Resolute in her choice, Olivia nodded firmly, then turned back to her doctor.
"I'll try the melatonin. Even though I really don't have that many, one less medication would be wonderful. When it comes to the other, I don't think it will pose a problem, so I'm willing to try. Most of the drugs I was given during that time were in tablet form."
"Of course, Olivia. I'll make the notation in your chart. You can pick up the melatonin at any store or pharmacy on your way home and start that tonight. And, if for some reason, you find that your sleeping troubles return, we can always resume the Trazodone at a later date.
Not long after that decision had been made, the session came to a close. Olivia could scarcely believe how much time had flown by – and so quickly. A part of her felt guilty for having monopolized so much of the hour with her own personal issues, especially when it was supposed to have been designated for her and Elliot to have been working together. One look at her partner, however, and all of Olivia's anxieties evaporated. He didn't blame her, and he never would.
Armed with three appointments for the following week – their usual joint session, plus two personal ones for Olivia – the partners left the office and headed down to Elliot's vehicle. After a quiet discussion, they decided that going to the gym was still in their mutual best interest, provided neither of them worked themselves to excess. With Elliot behind the wheel, they headed for their next destination.
At the gym, Olivia was prepared to feel anxiety almost immediately, as she anticipated the stress that would come with having to enroll for a membership – something she hadn't done yet. Thankfully, Elliot was able to sign her in as a guest under his own, and they bypassed the front desk easily.
The next point of difficulty came with having to separate from her partner in order to use the changing rooms designed for their particular gender. Though the logical side of Olivia understood the need for the distinction, she wasn't looking forward to changing in front of other people. Elliot on the other hand, his presence was something she was accustomed to, and despite the fact that he'd yet to see her scars up close, Olivia knew for certain that he'd never stare.
Fortunately, while there was an open area where the lockers were located, the stalls in the restroom section were also quite spacious. Though it brought back long forgotten memories of her days in junior high, and trying to change for gym class without anyone noticing the bruises on her skin, Olivia felt a sense of comfort in knowing her body would remain hidden from view.
After stashing her belongings away and securing them with a lock, Olivia looped the lanyard holding the key around her neck and made her way toward the exit where she knew the pool to be. Elliot had already promised to meet her there. She was immensely grateful for the suit she had chosen, with the high neckline on the bodice portion of the tank, and the ample coverage the matching shorts provided. It was, perhaps, the most modest swimsuit she had ever owned, but given the permanent changes to her skin, it made her feel the least self conscious.
Stepping into the large arena that held the gym's indoor pool, Olivia's nostrils were immediately assailed with the scent of chlorine. Her eyes scanned the humid room, searching for her partner. She found him leaning against one of the walls not too far away from where she was standing, and she walked over to join him.
"Hey, El. Thanks again for keeping me company here today."
"Don't worry about it. Here, I brought your towel. It must have gotten tossed in with my things."
"Thanks."
They placed their items on a bench along the side, far enough away from the water where they were unlikely to get splashed. Heading over to the concrete steps that served as the entrance to the pool, Elliot gestured with his hand that Olivia should precede him.
"Since we're both going to be swimming laps, did you want to share a lane, or would you rather have your own space?"
Olivia appreciated the comment. A part of her was conflicted in regard to her response. It was true, she'd prefer to have her own space, but should the pool get crowded in a hurry, there was no doubt that the only person she'd want next to her was Elliot. Better to start out that way in the beginning, than be forced to split with someone else.
"We can share. Just be warned – if you splash me, I will get you back."
"Noted."
It helped that the temperature of the water was near perfect, and Olivia didn't have to spend any additional time letting her body acclimate. Though she did take a few precious minutes to stretch her muscles, she was able to start swimming almost immediately, with Elliot falling into pace right behind her. Just as everything else they always did, the partners found they were perfectly in sync with their workouts, too. The years apart hadn't changed that at all.
As Olivia felt her energy grow, her strokes grew more even and intense, allowing her to glide through the water with ease. Whether it was intentional on her part or not, it put her into a sort of indirect competition with Elliot, and before long the two were having impromptu battles as they raced one another back and forth across the length of the pool.
Eventually, Olivia was nearly out of breath, and she paused against the side to regulate her breathing. For the first time in ages though, it was one adrenaline rush that she didn't mind, and the racing of her heart actually felt like a positive as opposed to a negative. Even though her eyes were closed, a ripple of water told her that Elliot had pulled up along her side, and it was her first instinct to reassure her partner before he could inquire about her well being.
"I'm okay, El – for now at least. Whether I'll be able to say the same later, or even tomorrow, I don't know. But for now, for this moment, I'm okay."
"That's all I needed to hear."
A glance at the clock on the wall told Olivia that she had been swimming for thirty minutes. Though a part of her would have liked to continue, and even considered pushing even further, she decided to err on the side of caution. The last thing she needed – especially now- was to have a repeat event of the last time she had overexerted herself and wound up in the hospital. Granted, her health was in terrible shape overall at that particular point, but Olivia wasn't willing to take any chances.
"I think I'm going to call it quits for today. At least with this, anyway. Maybe we can take a walk or something later in the evening though, if I'm feeling up to it?"
"Whatever you need, Liv."
It was Elliot who got out of the water first, and hurried over to where they had left their belongings. He returned to the side, so as Olivia was exiting, he was able to wrap her towel around her, preventing her from catching a chill.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but how would you prefer to go about cleanup? Are you comfortable using the shower facilities here, or would you rather wait until we get back home?"
As always, Olivia loved the fact that Elliot was able to read her so well. He had correctly intuited the thoughts most pressing on her mind, and spared her from having to voice them out loud. However, no matter how appealing the thought of waiting to shower in the privacy of the master bathroom back at the cottage was, her need to wash the chlorine off her skin immediately was far greater.
"I'll be okay here. I appreciate you asking, though."
"Take as long as you need. I'm not going anywhere. I'll meet you out front."
Just as they had when they entered, the partners went their separate ways. If she were being honest with herself, Olivia would have to admit that she probably had less anxiety about showering than she did about when she first changed into her swimsuit in the first place. At least with the showers, there was a separate changing room attached to the stall, both concealed by a floor-to-ceiling curtain. The only thing she needed to do was make sure she wouldn't drip water all over the place while retrieving her belongings from the locker.
As heavenly as the shower was, Olivia made sure not to dawdle. No matter how much Elliot had told her to take as much time as she needed, she hated making him wait for her for any reason. If it hadn't been for the fact that she'd known he would be even more concerned for her not taking the time to dry her hair, Olivia would have been finished even sooner.
Once she was done, Olivia packed her things back in her bag, and tossed it over her shoulder. As she headed out of the locker room to meet Elliot, she reminded herself that they needed to make one more stop on the way back – she wanted to get that melatonin that Lydia had mentioned so she could start taking it tonight. Other than that, she couldn't wait to get home. The day was barely half over, and already it had seemed longer than most.
Just as he had promised, Elliot made a detour to the store on the way back. Despite Olivia's offer, it was her partner who insisted on running inside to pick up what she needed – but only after making sure she would be all right waiting in the car alone for him to return. While he was there, he also mentioned that he was going to snag a few ingredients for their lunch, having pulled up a recipe that Olivia had saved the other day.
True to his word, Elliot returned within minutes. The only way Olivia could explain to herself the reason for such a speedy shop was that her partner had somehow memorized the layout of the market. She wasn't sure how that was entirely possible, given the fact that they'd had groceries delivered more often than not, but she wasn't going to question his methods.
After making sure that Olivia didn't need to stop anywhere else, Elliot turned the car in the direction of cottage, intent on taking them both to the place that they called home. Once they returned, the pair wordlessly divided up the tasks between them, with Olivia carrying the groceries into the kitchen, and Elliot taking care of putting their wet suits and towels into the wash. It was times like this that Olivia was struck by how oddly domestic her life with Elliot had become, but it didn't make her uncomfortable. Rather, it was a part of her routine that put her most at ease, as familiar as the gray hoodie she often stole from her partner's closet.
Correctly intuiting what Elliot needed left out to use for the preparation of today's lunch, and what could be put away, Olivia finished her chore quickly. Before she could forget, she ran the bottle of melatonin upstairs to set on her nightstand, so it would be ready to take later that night. By the time she returned to lower level, she found Elliot in the kitchen, and went to join him to offer help.
"What do you need me to do? By the way, what is for lunch today, anyway? You never did say."
"Crunchy Thai Chicken Salad. I've already got the chicken marinating, and I'm going to throw it on the grill in a bit. If you could start by chopping the red and green cabbage, that would be great."
Nodding her confirmation, Olivia went in search of the food processor. They hadn't used that particular appliance often, but given how tiny the pieces would need to be, she preferred to make the job easier for herself. Grabbing a large bowl out of the cabinet while she was at it, she got to work.
While Olivia was busy with the cabbage, Elliot assigned himself with the task of chopping the carrots and red bell pepper. He also made sure the edamame were properly steamed. Once all the prep work was completed, the chicken had been marinating for about twenty minutes. Elliot would have preferred to let it sit longer, but there was no doubt that both he and Olivia were hungry, so if this particular recipe were a success, he'd just need to plan ahead next time.
By the time Elliot came back into the kitchen with the grilled chicken, Olivia had the salad bowls ready to go. She'd even set the table and poured drinks, so all that needed to be done was toss all the ingredients together with the peanut dressing and serve. Minutes later, the partners were seated across from one another, digging into their lunch with bigger appetites than either realized they had.
"This is amazing, Elliot."
"I can't take all the credit, Liv. You helped."
Olivia felt her cheeks flush, as they always did when Elliot paid her a compliment. Taking a drink of her water in an attempt to conceal her reaction, she tried to change the subject, instead suggesting that they add today's recipe to the regular routine.
"You won't hear any complaints from me."
A companionable silence fell not long after, and for that, Olivia was grateful. Not that she minded talking with Elliot, but her head was still cluttered with a multitude of intrusive thoughts, most having to do with the appointment they'd had with Lydia that morning. Going to the gym had helped, but the relief had only been temporary. Even though he had always told her she could tell him anything, Olivia was still hesitant to bare her soul to her partner, especially after the difficulty he'd had the day before. No matter how many reassurances he'd uttered, she didn't want to do anything to add to his burden. It made Olivia remind herself that she'd need to call Owen later – not just to arrange her next cooking lesson, but maybe she could talk with her friend a bit and lessen some of her heartache.
"Liv? You okay?"
Belatedly, Olivia realized that Elliot was talking to her. That was when she noticed the look of concern on her face, and the way she had been aggressively stabbing at her plate with her fork. Embarrassed for having been called out – even more so for having made her distress so obvious – Olivia tried to figure out a rational excuse. Ultimately, she realized it was pointless, and shrugged her shoulders.
"Doing as best as I can. I hadn't even realized when I stopped paying attention, to be honest."
"Don't worry about it. Just eat what you can. If you're not hungry now, I can always make you something else later."
Relieved that Elliot wasn't pushing the issue, Olivia could only nod. The truth of the matter was, she was hungry. Whether it stemmed from her workout of swimming, or her nerves were having the opposite effect on her today, she wanted to finish eating. Putting her fork down for a moment, she took another sip of water, concentrating on how cold the glass felt in her palm. The sensation helped to center her, and Olivia felt her focus return. Offering Elliot a smile, she resumed eating, and tried to think of something casual to introduce into the conversation. In the end, she decided teasing would be best.
"So, I know it's hours away yet, but I was just thinking about later tonight. I was wondering if you'd mind if I indulged in a bubble bath – that is, unless you were planning on one for yourself?"
Laughing now, Elliot shook his head.
"No, I think I'll pass. Not that I didn't enjoy the luxury last night, but it's not something I'd want to make an everyday occurrence. I do understand the appeal more than ever before, though."
"Told you."
Despite all the conflict in her mind, it had been on the tip of Olivia's tongue to invite Elliot to join her when she took her bath. Where that incredibly forward line of thinking had come from, she didn't know. No matter how close they were getting, the very idea of Elliot seeing all of her bare skin was still a very intimidating notion to Olivia – but not as much of an impossibility as it once had been. However small the spark of hope was, she clung onto it for all she was worth. Maybe someday, she could let herself move forward. She just needed to get past the days that would bring back the reminders of how close she had come to dying before she could convince herself it was okay to keep living.
"Are you done, Liv?"
Not knowing what to say over the fact that she had zoned out yet again, Olivia could only nod. She was proud of herself that she had managed to eat most all of her lunch, save for a few bites that remained on her plate. Knowing Elliot wouldn't expect her to clean up, she excused herself from the table, stating that she needed a few minutes alone. Climbing the stairs, Olivia headed for the sanctuary of her room, hoping that she could find some peace of mind. While she hadn't engaged in the practice yet, too afraid of the demons she might unearth, today seemed like a good day to try the art of journaling.
Even though she had initially imagined it to be a futile exercise, Olivia was amazed at how successful her efforts were. While at first she had struggled with trying to put the jumbled up words in her head to paper, after time they started to flow with ease. Before she was fully aware what was happening, she'd filled three pages of her leather bound journal. The only thing yet to determine was whether or not to keep their contents private, or to share them with Lydia the next time she had a session. Briefly, Olivia even considered confiding her secrets in Elliot, but she wasn't sure if she was ready for that yet. It wasn't that she didn't trust her partner – she knew for certain that he was one of the few people in this world that she could implicitly count on. No matter what she revealed to him, he'd never judge her.
One of the many reasons Olivia was hesitant to let anyone see what she had written had to do with the fact that she'd even surprised herself. While there was no doubt some of her more intimate feelings had been changing of late, her most recent thoughts at lunch had brought to mind the fact that perhaps her libido wasn't as dead and buried as she thought it might have been. The fleeting notion of asking Elliot to join her for a bath had stuck with her, and while Olivia could say with certainty that she wasn't yet ready to embark on any sort of physical relationship just yet, to know that her body hadn't closed itself off to the prospect of that completely was a welcome one.
In a reflective mood now, Olivia let herself travel a bit down memory lane, careful not to wade too deep into dangerous waters and traumatize herself more than necessary. There would likely be enough of that in the days to come. But it was when she realized that more than a year had passed since she'd last had sex – even when it came to matters of pleasuring herself – it hardly seemed real. Logically, she knew the impact that trauma played on the mind and body, that it took time to recover. In some ways, it didn't even seem as though that much time had lapsed, while in others, it felt like she'd lived another lifetime since the previous May. Granted, the thought of engaging in any form of physical intimacy – either alone or with another person – still seemed foreign, but it was enough to know that the fleeting thoughts of prospect had returned. It gave Olivia hope that she wouldn't remain isolated forever.
For now, the relationship she shared with Elliot was enough. His gestures of affection meant everything, to know that he saw her as a person and not some fragile victim that needed saving – even if sometimes, she did. They had a freedom with one another that they'd never had before, an openness that left the door of possibility wide open. Elliot's true feelings toward her were no secret, nor were hers for him. But there was no pressure to act, no rush to commit. Just a quiet contentment in knowing that he would be there for her no matter what the future held for them.
A chime from her phone captured Olivia's attention, and she tried to recenter her focus on the present. Quickly scanning the message, she felt a flush stain her cheeks as she realized that she had been upstairs in her room for more than two hours. Elliot hadn't wanted to intrude on her private time, but he was obviously concerned as to her well being. Hurriedly typing back a reply, Olivia promised to be back downstairs as soon as possible. Putting her journal away in her nightstand drawer, she padded into the ensuite bathroom to splash some water on her face and freshen up. A few minutes later, she was reunited with Elliot. Not knowing exactly what to say to reassure her partner, Olivia opted for the truth.
"I'm sorry, El. I didn't mean to worry you. My thoughts were still a bit jumbled from therapy earlier today, so I decided to try writing in a journal that I'd bought a while back, but hadn't used until now. Before I realized what had happened, you were messaging me."
"You never have to apologize Liv, especially not for taking care of yourself. Truth be told, part of me just thought you might have dozed off. It's been a long day, and I also thought maybe the swimming might have made you tired."
Impulsively, Olivia threw her arms around Elliot just then, in need of the reassurance that a hug from her partner would provide her. She also hoped that the gesture would give her ample time to conceal the tears that were threatening to fall – not out of embarrassment for the display of emotion, but rather so as not to invoke any further concern.
"Thank you. If I don't say it often enough, I'm really glad you're here."
"There's no place I'd rather be."
Before Olivia had the chance to say anything else, the ringing of her phone interrupted her. She was originally going to ignore it, but when she saw that Owen was calling, she immediately decided to answer.
"Hey, Owen."
"Hey, Olivia. I hope this isn't a bad time. I just got off work. Was about to head out, but I'm stopping at the store on the way home. I wanted to know if you had anything in mind for our lesson tomorrow – that is, if you still wanted me to come over."
Even though the phone wasn't on speaker, the volume was loud enough that Elliot was able to overhear enough of the conversation. Glancing at her partner in order to get his input, Olivia received an encouraging nod. Before she could form a reply of her own, she also caught Elliot mouthing the word 'bread' to her. Swatting him on the arm, she tried her best not to laugh as she turned her focus back to the man on the other end of the line.
"Well, I'm not sure if you're aware, but it's going to be a stressful few days for me coming up. Elliot had the idea that making bread might be beneficial, but I'm not sure I'm ready to undertake something so ambitious. However, if you had any suggestions of something similar that would give me the opportunity to relieve a lot of stress, than I'm absolutely open to it."
"You leave that to me, Olivia. Why don't we have Elliot join us this time? I have a feeling he'll benefit as well."
"Sounds good. We'll see you tomorrow, then?"
The two finalized their plans, then Olivia hung up. Feeling a bit disoriented from everything that had just happened, she allowed Elliot to lead her into the living room, and accepted his offer to make her a cup of tea. A few minutes later, he was bringing her a steaming cup of chamomile, sweetened to her liking.
"Here you go, Liv. Can I get you anything else right now?"
"Just sit next to me, please."
Nodding, Elliot took his place on the couch next to his partner, instinctively wrapping his arm around her shoulders. Knowing that Olivia didn't need any other distractions at the moment, he opted to keep the room quiet, save for entertaining her with a story he'd heard from Kathleen when he'd talked to his daughter while Olivia had been upstairs. Elliot knew very well how hearing about his kids calmed his partner, and he was happy to do whatever he could to put her at ease. Relief began to fill him when he saw the way Olivia smiled, and he couldn't wait to hear what she had to say.
"So, I know you aren't able to yourself at the moment, given your retired status, but how long until you contact Fin to have him run the background check on the new guy in Kathleen's life?"
Elliot opened his mouth to protest, but Olivia beat him to it.
"Don't tell me you haven't at least thought about it."
"Guilty as charged."
"I wouldn't expect anything less from you."
When her cup of tea was empty, Elliot took it from Olivia's hands to place on the coffee table – only so she wouldn't have to move from her comfortable position. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about what she'd told him before about the journaling, and was trying to figure a way to phrase the question without sounding like he was being intrusive.
"Liv, I hope the writing you did today was helpful. It was recommended to me in the past, too – but I never did feel quite comfortable with that particular outlet. Now that I'm more open minded, I might try it again though."
"You should. Truth be told, I wasn't expecting it to work either. If anyone else were to read it other than me, I don't think it would make sense. It was more of a stream-of-consciousness type thing than coherent thoughts."
"Whatever works for you, Liv. There's no right or wrong way. Just remember that."
Nodding, Olivia cuddled further into her partner, allowing herself to accept his comfort. Maybe later she could open up to him even more. For now, it was enough knowing that he had her back – just as he always had.
Olivia wasn't aware of how much time had passed. She was too busy focusing on how safe she felt. Eventually though, the nagging feeling of hunger became too strong to ignore, even though the last thing she wanted to do was more from her comfortable spot wrapped up in Elliot's arms. Olivia hoped that the rumbling of her stomach wasn't audible to her partner, but she was also aware of just how well he could read her like a book, so she wasn't holding her breath. Sure enough, a few moments later, a loud growl filled the room, followed by a low chuckle to her right. Resisting the urge to smack Elliot in the chest with the back of her hand, Olivia couldn't help but find the laughter contagious.
"Yeah, like your body is so subtle at announcing when you need to eat."
Feeling Elliot's lips skim her temple, Olivia closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation. She was about to ask what he had planned for dinner – if anything – when he said something that completely took her by surprise.
"So, I know we've fallen into a routine of preparing our meals together lately. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love spending time with you in the kitchen. I was just wondering if tonight, you would let me take care of you again for a change?"
Confused - and only slightly suspicious - Olivia furrowed her brow and shifted enough so she could look at Elliot directly.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, let me make you dinner. It might take a while, so I was going to suggest you indulge in your bath a bit early, and enjoy a leisurely soak while I'm working. You can even change into your pajamas when you're done. Then we can spend the rest of the evening just relaxing."
Though she'd miss working side by side with Elliot cooking together, Olivia had to admit that his suggestion had been an appealing one. The most difficult part would be not having any input in what Elliot would be making, but even that was a control that Olivia easily relinquished. However, that didn't mean that she was going to let her partner get away with having the last word.
"Okay, you've convinced me. I just don't want to hear you complain when you realize how hard it is for you to prepare a meal without me there to do all the work of chopping."
"Oh, I'm definitely going to miss my sous chef. But I think I can manage for a night. Plus, don't forget that you have a cooking lesson tomorrow you need to save your energy for."
Getting to her feet and heading toward the stairs, Olivia gave Elliot an obscene gesture before she disappeared out of view. The sound of his laughter followed her as she headed down the hall to her room, music to her ears. After taking a few minutes to get ready, she soon found herself sinking into a sea of scented bubbles, immensely grateful for Elliot's suggestion, and more than just a little bit curious at what her partner was planning for her downstairs.
For his part, Elliot had waited until Olivia was out of earshot, and he'd heard the tell-tale signs of running water before he headed to the kitchen. Before he raided the fridge for the necessary ingredients, his first task was to preheat the oven. Then he pulled the recipe up on his tablet, and worked as quickly and efficiently as he knew how. If he was able to manage his time properly, everything would be finished by the time Olivia was done with her bath and had returned.
In no time at all, the vegetable lasagna with Béchamel sauce was ready. Being able to shave minutes off the prep time by using freshly prepared pasta noodles had been a life saver. Now, the dish was in the oven, and would need to cook for a little over half an hour. Next step was to make the salad that would accompany their meal, but that wouldn't take long at all. Taking advantage of the convenience of a bagged Caesar style salad kit, the side dish was also ready and back in the refrigerator quickly.
Elliot had just been about to set the table when the sound of the drain being pulled reached his ears. Not even panicking in the slightest, he reasoned to himself that Olivia would still need to complete her post bath skin care routine. Even with fifteen minutes left to go on the timer until the lasagna was due to come out of the oven, he wasn't worried.
As luck would have it, Olivia padded into the kitchen just as the buzzer sounded. Their dinner would still need to rest before he could cut into it, but Elliot knew he could safely place it on the table. After all, they had the salad to eat to tide them over until the main course was ready.
"Do you need me to do anything?"
Even though she'd already been promised that everything would be taken care of, Olivia still wanted to offer her assistance. She couldn't be one hundred percent certain, but she was fairly convinced that Elliot was trying to hide the fact that he had rolled his eyes at her comment. Not taking it personally – because she likely would have done the same if their positions had been reversed – Olivia merely accepted her fate and went to sit at the table.
"Whatever it is, it smells amazing."
"Thank you. I'm afraid it still needs to cool for a bit, but we have some salad we can start with."
"That's fine."
First, Elliot brought over the salad, instructing Olivia to help herself. She did, but not before putting a portion on his plate first. What didn't go unnoticed was the way the brunette reacted when she saw the glass pan her partner carried over to the table, or the elaborate pasta dish that was inside.
"Elliot! You promised me you wouldn't go to any trouble!"
"I promised no such thing. I said I wanted to take care of you tonight. I also know that vegetable lasagna is one of your favorite things. I just hope that the recipe I found holds up to your standards."
Blinking back tears, Olivia reached across the table for Elliot's hand, squeezing for all she was worth. She knew for certain that this would be the best lasagna she had ever tasted, because it had been made with love. There was no way anything else she'd had before would ever compare.
"I can't wait to try it. But I'm going to – but only because it's still steaming as though it is the temperature of molten lava."
"A wise decision."
Dissolving into laughter, the two partners eased effortlessly into conversation. Olivia talked to Elliot about her initial opinion of their experience at the gym earlier that day, and he shared with her his hopes that working with Dr. Lauren Pearce would benefit his own mental health.
Though they weren't large portions by any means, Olivia did, nevertheless, enjoy two helpings of the lasagna that Elliot had made. She was so stuffed afterward that she had to decline her typical post meal dessert – but it wasn't an outright refusal. Rather, she was merely putting her sweet tooth on hold for a bit until later. After all, she hadn't forgotten about the cupcakes she and Elliot had made the other day, there was no doubt the light citrus flavor would compliment what they'd eaten tonight perfectly.
Rebuffing Olivia's offer to help clean up, it was Elliot who insisted on putting away the leftovers and tidying the kitchen. The work was done in nearly no time at all, and soon he was joining his partner in the living room, the pair cuddling up to one another to enjoy yet another evening of relaxing television and each other's company.
If Olivia were being honest with herself, she was using every delaying tactic possible to avoid going upstairs to get ready for bed. While the hour wasn't excessively late, usually they were more settled by this point most nights, but her mind just wouldn't let her rest. In part, she believed it had to do with anxiety brought on by the elimination of the Trazodone. Even though she had the melatonin as backup, and had been feeling more certain in her decision during the therapy session that morning, a nagging sensation of doubt was creeping up in her mind. Logically, Olivia realized that all she needed to do was take her medication as normal, and just message Lydia in the morning that she'd elected not to discontinue it after all. However, that didn't negate the near paralyzing fear that in a few days time, she'd be incapable to swallow anything in tablet form.
Trauma was a bitch. There was no other way to describe it. Olivia was no stranger to it, but she'd never dealt with anything of this magnitude before. Even after Sealview, anniversaries had been difficult, but that experience hadn't lasted for days on end – or permanently scarred her body. The memories remained, but had faded and become something she had survived, even if to this moment she still made excuses and referred to it as a necessary evil for the sake of the job. Olivia knew that was something she would eventually have to bring up with Lydia – if she didn't, Elliot most definitely would. Her habit of not viewing herself as important was sure to be mentioned. In fact, she was mightily impressed that her partner hadn't called her out on it already. Then again, she hadn't exactly been in the best frame of mind for him to do so.
"Liv? You still with me?"
Belatedly, Olivia realized that Elliot was talking to her. Had been for some time, apparently. Where before she would have made excuses as for her lack of attention, they were past that point. He'd see through anything she tried to say, and they'd both promised not to lie to one another.
"Am I with you? I think so. Just don't ask me if I'm okay, because I'm not sure if I know the answer to that one."
Elliot's mouth set in a grim line. His concern was evident, but it was obvious he wasn't going to push the issue.
"Okay. I won't ask you. Just know that if you need to talk about anything, that I'm here. In the meantime, what do you say to a cupcake?"
"I think that sounds like a great idea."
With a gentle squeeze to Olivia's shoulder, Elliot got to his feet and disappeared into the kitchen. He returned momentarily, bearing two cupcakes and two bottles of water.
"Here you go. I thought since we had the frosted ones yesterday, we could try the glazed ones today."
"Sounds good to me."
Whether her appetite had made a resurgence, or the taste of something sweet had merely sparked her interest, Olivia made short work of her cupcake. Elliot even offered to get her a second, but she declined, insisting that one was her limit.
"What do you say we watch one, maybe two more episodes down here, then head upstairs for the night? I won't say I'm ready to fall asleep, but at the very least we can get settled and I can try to relax."
"Whatever you need, Liv. I'll follow your lead."
Excusing herself briefly, Olivia headed into the powder room for the opportunity to wash her hands. Truth be told, she also needed a minute to collect her thoughts, but she didn't want to admit that out loud. Her mind was racing a mile a minute, and she could only hope that it would quiet somewhat before she would attempt to sleep later on. The last thing she wanted was to keep Elliot awake with her tossing and turning. A knock at the door caught her attention, and while Olivia was surprised at the interruption, she was equally impressed with herself for not jumping out of her skin.
"Liv? Sorry to bother you, but I was just headed back into the kitchen, and I wanted to know if you were interested in a cup of tea."
"Yes, please. Can you make me the Sleepytime variety this time? The one that is the blend of chamomile and spearmint?"
"Of course. Did you still want me to add a bit of sweetener to it?"
Olivia considered that for a moment before giving her answer.
"About half the amount you usually give me."
Hearing her partner reply in the affirmative before his fading footsteps reached her ears, Olivia rubbed her palms over her face as she tried to center herself once more. After taking a few deep breaths, she felt calm enough to exit the bathroom and rejoin her partner.
"Thanks, El."
"You're welcome."
The pair sat in silence for several minutes, save for the sound coming from the television. Before long, Elliot had a question to ask. In truth, he already knew the answer, he had just picked up on Olivia's anxiety and was trying to put her more at ease.
"What time did you say Owen was coming over tomorrow?"
"Late afternoon. He mentioned something about teaching me something that will help with stress relief, along with a recipe that we can use to make for dinner tomorrow night. We'll still be able to make your appointment in the morning."
Nodding his understanding, Elliot turned his attention back to the program. So far, it appeared that the tea was having a soothing effect on Olivia. Since she'd begun drinking it, she seemed visibly calmer. When the current episode ended, Elliot was about to suggest they head upstairs when his partner beat him to it, stating that she was going to head up, and that he should meet her there as soon as he was ready. Promising to join once he'd locked up for the night, Elliot went through his usual routine, then made his way to the master bedroom. There, he found Olivia already under the covers, but still wide awake. She had the bottle of melatonin in her hand, yet was staring at it skeptically. Suddenly struck by a wave of inspiration, Elliot offered a suggestion.
"Why don't we both try that tonight?"
"What do you mean?"
"I was just saying, if it would make you feel more at ease if I were to take it, too, then I'm more than willing to."
The expressions that flitted across Olivia's face represented a myriad of emotions. The most obvious to read was gratitude. However, she ultimately denied his request.
"Thanks, El. That means more to me than I can ever say, but I'll be okay. It's more of a mind over matter thing than anything else, you know? It helps that these are the chewable gummies, though."
Shaking one into her palm, Olivia popped it into her mouth, chewed, and swallowed. Chasing the aftertaste – which wasn't so bad – with a sip of water, she reclined back against the pillows and waited for Elliot to join her in the bed under his own blankets. Together, the partners found something to fall asleep to, and Olivia hoped that she would get at least one or two more good days before the blackness of her anniversary would consume her heart and soul.