Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
Even with the extra dose of melatonin, Olivia still hadn't slept as well as she would have liked. As if the anniversary of her trauma weren't bad enough, she had the newfound horror of what Bronwyn had done and the message that had been sent at the forefront of her mind. It made for a spate of fresh nightmare fuel, and Olivia didn't know if she'd ever find solace again. It felt as though all the progress she'd made had been for nothing, and while she hadn't said anything to Elliot or Lydia just yet, a part of her felt like giving up. It wasn't that she was a danger to herself, because she wasn't – but what little hope she'd had before in terms of making a full recovery and returning back to her normal life had completely vanished.
Currently awake in the early morning hours for the second consecutive day in a row, Olivia was just grateful that she hadn't awoken Elliot in the process with her disruptive schedule. As she stared at the ceiling and tried to focus on her breathing to keep from spiraling headfirst into another panic attack, she allowed the sound of her partner's soft snores to center her. Much like Lydia had guided her through the mindfulness exercise, Olivia was using those same coping skills to try and remain in the present.
The logical side of Olivia's brain argued that all she needed to do was whisper her partner's name, or reach out and touch his hand. Elliot wasn't a heavy sleeper by any means, and if he knew how much she was struggling, he'd abandon all thoughts of his own comfort in an attempt to preserve hers. But Olivia couldn't help but feel like she'd taken enough from Elliot as it was, and it felt selfish to disturb him now. At the same time, she couldn't be alone with the thoughts in her own head, either.
Getting out of bed as carefully as possible, Olivia remembered to leave a note on the pillow, letting Elliot know that she had only gone downstairs for a change of scenery. The last thing she wanted was for him to wake and find her missing, and worry about her well being. Then, after slipping on the the gray hoodie that still carried the scent of her partner's cologne, Olivia padded quietly out of the room and headed to the lower level. What she hadn't been expecting was to find out that company would be waiting for her when she got there.
"Trouble sleeping, Liv? Why don't you sit with me for a bit? I can even make you a cup of that tea you like so much. How about you make yourself comfortable, and I'll be right back."
Taking her silence on the offer of tea as acceptance, Fin rose to his feet and made his way into the kitchen. Olivia wasn't exactly surprised to find her friend awake and keeping guard – even though there was no active danger to warrant it. By all accounts, he had been dozing lightly in the chair prior to her arrival, but it seemed as though he had set himself up in a sentry position of sorts, and while Olivia knew Elliot would always keep her safe, the added level of security went a long way in quelling her anxiety.
A few minutes later, Fin was back, a steaming mug of tea held in his outstretched hand. Grateful, Olivia carefully took it into both of her own, opting to wait a few moments to allow the beverage to cool before taking a sip. The soothing aroma of chamomile and mint was already helping, however, and Olivia breathed in deeply, trying to use as many of her senses as she could.
As she settled even more into the cushions of the couch, Olivia felt as her friend wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, then took a seat nearby. Fin was sitting close enough to provide comfort with his proximity, but not so much that his presence would be overwhelming. Likewise, he didn't try and fill the silence with questions, merely waited patiently for the woman next to him to begin the conversation if she so chose. Knowing the complicated history between her partner and her friend, Olivia's first instinct was to make sure that Fin wouldn't think badly about Elliot – even before trying to sort out her own issues.
"I suppose you're wondering why I'm down here and not upstairs with Elliot, letting him help me."
"I'm not wondering anything, Liv. You don't have to explain anything to me. But if you want to talk, know that I'm here to listen."
Taking a tentative sip of her tea, followed by a slightly bigger one once she felt that it had cooled sufficiently enough that she could drink without burning her tongue, Olivia tried to figure out the best way to phrase her thoughts.
"I didn't wake him up. He doesn't know I'm down here. I mean, I left a note, but I couldn't disturb him. Not again."
Olivia knew she was rambling, but she couldn't help it. The anniversary already had her feeling out of sorts, and then Bronwyn had resurfaced to bring more trauma into her life. Everything felt like it was upside down and backwards, and nothing made sense. On top of it all, her name would likely be in the news all over again, and now the Ledger would never leave her alone when it came to wanting a statement. Unaware that she had spoken that last part of her internal musings out loud, Olivia startled slightly when she heard Fin ask her a question.
"What do you mean? Has the press been harassing you? You let me deal with that. As soon as the sun is up, I'm calling Barba. He'll handle it. You have a right to your privacy, Liv."
She'd heard it before, and had even admitted as much to Owen - that the thrill of anonymity was part of the reason why she'd chosen to come to Cape May in the first place. But given everything that had happened, Olivia was having trouble believing what she was and wasn't entitled to. While she didn't want to acknowledge it, the voice in her head that was insisting that she was getting everything that she deserved sounded an awful lot like her mother on one of her drunken binges – but that particular journey down memory lane was not a road she needed to travel right now.
"I'm just so tired, Fin. And I don't mean just because I need to sleep. This is only the start of day two, and I'm already so fucking exhausted. I'm not sure I can handle another two more."
Moving closer to the woman who he loved like a sister, Fin wrapped an arm around Olivia's shaking shoulders and pulled her against him. He wasn't typically a physically demonstrative man, but he knew how much his friend was beating herself up internally right now.
"Rest. No one is getting to you through me. And you don't have to worry about Stabler, either. I'll keep an eye on him, too."
Having been given the necessary peace of mind that her partner would also be taken care of, Olivia felt comfortable asking Fin for the reassurance that he would also help Elliot look after himself.
"Can you do me one other favor, Fin? If I do fall asleep, can you please make sure Elliot goes to a meeting today? I know he wouldn't want to leave me otherwise, but you'll be here. I also don't want him dwelling on the guilt that I know is eating him up inside. I can't focus on myself if I'm worried about him."
"You leave everything to me. Just close your eyes. I'm sure Elliot's told you this already, but I'm going to tell you this, too. You don't have to fight everything on your own. You've got a whole army on your side. It's okay to let someone else take the reins for a change and let them take care of you."
Elliot stirred, unsure what exactly had woken him. In what had become habit, he turned his head to the side to check on Olivia, only to find her side of the bed empty, the sheets cool to the touch. With panic overwhelming him almost instantly, reason and logic returned only after he had scanned the short handwritten note his partner had left behind on her pillow for him to find. Torn between relief that Olivia had only relocated to the lower level, and conflicted that he had been sleeping so soundly he had been oblivious to her distress, Elliot rushed to tend to his own needs as quickly as possible so he could go check on the woman who he held so close to his heart.
Not wanting to make a lot of noise and risk startling his partner, Elliot took the stairs as quietly as he was able. It was only when he reached the first floor and saw Olivia sound asleep curled up against Fin that his heart began to resume its normal rhythm. The two men locked eyes, and Elliot was grateful that even though Olivia had encountered whatever inner turmoil that had caused her to flee the bedroom, she hadn't had to deal with those demons on her own. He also knew better than to ask Fin whether or not Olivia was okay, because the reality was she was anything but. Instead, he decided to feed his own guilt and determine just how much he had missed.
"How long has she been down here?"
"A little more than hour, dozing for less than half of that. Before you go beating yourself up, don't. She explicitly said she didn't want to bother you. She also wants you to go to a meeting today."
Elliot fought the urge to swear. He wasn't angry, merely frustrated that even now when she was dealing with so much, Olivia was still trying to take care of everyone but herself. At the same time, he couldn't deny how appealing the idea of a meeting was. He had already been considering attending, and if not for Fin's presence, he would likely have found a virtual one so he wouldn't have to leave Olivia on her own for any reason. But someone was able to stay with his partner, and if he were to make it to the early session, he could definitely be back in time should Olivia need him when she spoke to Lydia later that morning.
"I'm not going to fight you – or her – on the issue. The last thing I want right now is to go backward, especially when she needs me the most."
Fin nodded his agreement, then spoke up about something else that was at the forefront of his mind. Just as Elliot had been, he was talking in hushed tones, both men using the utmost caution not to wake Olivia from her fitful slumber.
"You're absolutely right. I also wanted to give you a heads up that I'll be calling Barba as soon as I'm able. Not only for an update on the Bronwyn situation and where we are in terms of the arraignment, but I just found out from Liv not long ago about what the Ledger has been up to. Going to put a stop to that before they can harass her any more than they already have."
The light bulb went off in Elliot's brain.
"Good idea. You know they'll hear about what happened, and double down on their efforts. Best to stop them now before they can even start."
"Exactly what I was thinking. Barba will love ripping them a new asshole."
Olivia whimpered softly, and both men froze. The brunette mumbled something incoherent, then adjusted her position where she was reclining against her friend. Within moments her breathing had evened back out again, and Fin carefully fixed the blanket from where it had fallen from its place around Olivia's shoulders, ensuring that she wouldn't catch a chill.
"You go ahead and do what you need to, man. I've got everything under control here."
Even though it was still a bit too early to be leaving, Elliot thought maybe he could stop at the gym, too. On any other day, he wouldn't even think of leaving Olivia for any length of time, but knowing that Fin was with her allowed him to give himself the permission to take out some of his own aggression and frustration with a particularly grueling workout. It also reminded him that perhaps Olivia would appreciate the same release – perhaps in the form of a sparring session later.
Since he would be heading to the gym first, Elliot opted to just put on the clothes he would be wearing to work out in, and pack a change of something else for later. By the time he made it downstairs for the second time that morning, Olivia was awake again. Dropping his bag from his shoulder to fall where it lay, he went to her side immediately, needing to check in before going anywhere.
"Hey, Liv."
"Hey."
Even though she hadn't said the words. Elliot could tell it was on the tip of his partner's tongue to apologize for her earlier actions. He knew she was already second guessing herself a million times over. Refusing to let her dwell on the topic, he opted to instead have a change of subject.
"I know you're not even ready to consider it yet, but did you want me to bring anything back with me? I'm not even talking about food, although if there is something you have a craving for, I can absolutely get it for you."
"I can't think of anything at the moment. My only concern is I may end up needing something later, and I hate to make you go out twice in one day. I don't want to be a nuisance."
Before Elliot had a chance to reply, it was Fin who beat him to it.
"You could never do that. Whatever it is you need, we'll make happen. All you have to do is ask."
Ultimately, Olivia nodded her agreement, but whether that was because she saw the two men's point of reason, or was just simply too exhausted to argue, no one knew for certain. What she did want, however was to try and get at least some semblance of rest before her session with Lydia in a few hours time, if only so she would make sense when talking to the other woman. But Olivia couldn't bear the thought of being on her own, even in a place where she knew she was safe. She also hated to speak about her fears out loud, too worried that Elliot would abandon his own needs on her behalf. Thankfully, Fin came to her rescue.
"Tell you what, Liv. While Elliot is off at the gym and his meeting, why don't you try and get some more shut eye? You don't even have to sleep, any amount of rest will help. I'll move back over to the chair, so you can have the whole couch to stretch out on, but that way I'll still be nearby so you can have some company. Then, when your partner gets back, we can all see about getting some breakfast – or at the very least, some coffee."
"I like the sound of that."
Satisfied, Elliot pressed a kiss to Olivia's forehead. He waited until she had settled herself against the pillow she had used for her nap the day before, then covered her with the blanket she had been using previously. After saying his farewell to Fin, he tiptoed out the door, using every ounce of willpower to not rush back inside and sweep up his partner in his arms in an effort to protect her and keep her safe. Olivia was right. He needed to take care of himself. Right now the temptation for alcohol wasn't very bad, but the same couldn't be said if he continued to witness the woman he loved suffer. By going to this meeting, he would ensure that he was staying strong so he could be there where he had failed so many times in the past.
Fresh from his meeting and an hour spent at the gym punishing his body in the healthiest way he knew how, Elliot returned to the cottage. The physical exertion had been just as beneficial as he had imagined it would be, much as the AA meeting had proven a balm for the part of his psyche that desperately needed the reassurance that he would be a better support system to his partner without turning to his old vices. It wasn't often these days that the siren song of liquor called to him, only when he was feeling triggered by his own trauma or when the guilt had gotten the better of the logical side of his mind. On days like today, when Olivia was suffering so much in her own torment, it was the latter that fed his demons.
After parking in the drive and gathering his things, Elliot thought ahead and decided to send a message to Fin, not wanting to startle Olivia by walking through the door unexpectedly. When he learned from his friend that the woman he was trying to protect had recently awoken and was now currently upstairs taking her morning shower, Elliot finally allowed himself to breathe. He was beyond relieved that Olivia had managed to get some rest, not just because she needed it, but because it was what she deserved.
Letting himself inside, Elliot nodded a greeting to Fin, who appeared to have engrossed himself in a very interesting phone call not long after responding to the message he had been sent. From what he could tell, Elliot reasoned that Fin was talking to Barba, and as much as he wanted to stay and be a part of that particular conversation, he also didn't want to eavesdrop, either. After depositing his dirty gym clothes by the washing machine, he headed to the second level. After gathering a bit more of his laundry, he had just left the room that he kept mainly for storage at this point when Olivia emerged from the master bedroom. Deciding not to inundate her with questions about how she was doing, Elliot instead opted to keep the mood casual.
"Hey, Liv. If you have anything that you need washed, I'm going to be starting a load in a bit. I also thought if you wanted, I could put some fresh sheets on the bed, too."
"I'd like that. Just give me a minute to get some things together. Since I've been living in my comfortable clothes the past few days, there are more of them than usual."
"Take your time. How about I put on some coffee while I wait?"
"That sounds great. I think I might try one of those baked oatmeal cups you made yesterday, too."
Glad that he hadn't needed to be the one to bring up the topic of food, Elliot merely nodded his acceptance. The only question he did ask was whether or not his partner preferred to have the oatmeal cup at room temperature, or if she wanted him to heat it up for her. He just wasn't sure whether Olivia truly didn't want it heated, or if she merely chose otherwise to avoid being as little trouble as possible.
By the time Elliot made it back downstairs, Fin was finished with his phone call. The other man must also have been aware of what had transpired between the partners, as he had beaten Elliot to the task of making the coffee, and the pot was just starting to brew.
"Thanks, Fin."
"No problem. Has Olivia mentioned if she's wanting anything to eat this morning? I can make something if she is."
Elliot shook his head, then explained what Olivia had said to him just a few moments earlier. He also stated that while he had consumed an apple and a protein bar prior to his workout, he needed to refuel, too. He also made certain to issue Olivia's earlier directive from the day before about not being able to tolerate the smell of frying meat. Of course, Fin was more than understanding.
"Since you handled most of the cooking yesterday, Stabler, why don't you let me take a turn? I'm not a gourmet chef like the two of you by any means, but I can make a decent scrambled egg."
"Sounds good to me. While you're doing that, I'll toss together some fruit. Olivia usually likes some with her breakfast."
Neither man was expecting to hear a feminine voice at that moment, and both looked equally guilty at having been caught talking about the woman in question when she wasn't in the room. However, there was no anger present in Olivia's tone, only a hint of amusement.
"Any other decisions the two of you would care to make on my behalf? If so, please let me know because I'd greatly appreciate it. My head is such a mess, it would be one less thing I'd have to worry about."
It was on the tip of Elliot's tongue to apologize, but one look at his partner told him that wasn't necessary. She may have been partially joking, but she was also somewhat serious too. Having been similarly overwhelmed himself only recently, he understood exactly where she was coming from. However, he wanted to assure the woman in front of him that she was one hundred percent in control of her own fate.
"I can promise you, Liv, that you are the only one in charge of decisions for yourself. If you need advice or a sounding board, though, I'm happy to help."
From his place at the stove, Fin echoed his sentiment as well, affirming Elliot's statement. In the company of not just one, but two men who cared only for her safety and well being, Olivia allowed herself to lower some of her heightened defenses. Her video session with Lydia was in a little over ninety minutes, which would allow for plenty of time for a leisurely meal without needing to rush. The eggs Fin was preparing for himself and Elliot might still be too much to manage, but the small portion of fruit and baked oatmeal cup on her plate at the table would be perfect.
Even though she hadn't had any doubt as to their quality, Olivia still immensely enjoyed the taste of the baked oatmeal cups that Elliot had prepared for her the day before. She remembered the way the smell of the baked good had not only been appealing, but had even grounded her when she needed it most. Now, today, the simple treat was everything, especially on another morning where eating would typically be difficult.
"Can you tell me again about everything that you put in these, El? I'm sorry I forgot."
"Don't worry about it, of course I can tell you. They are made from Mashed banana, natural peanut butter, eggs, honey, almond milk, vanilla, oats, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt. Of course, I couldn't forget the most important ingredient which I knew would matter most to you, which is dark chocolate chips."
Taking a sip of her coffee to hide her smile, Olivia was careful not to burn her tongue.
"You know me so well."
"I know better than to deny you chocolate. I learned the hard way a long time ago, and will never make that mistake again."
Bringing two plates laden with scrambled eggs and toast over to the table, Fin didn't want to be excluded from the conversation any longer.
"Is that why you always kept that emergency stash in your desk drawer, Stabler?"
"The very same."
Not wanting to bring up a delicate topic, especially when Olivia was already so sensitive, Fin wisely chose not to mention that keeping her supplied with chocolate was a responsibility that he had inherited after Elliot had left. At any other time, it was likely something they'd all get a good laugh over, but not right now. The last thing Fin wanted to do was kick Olivia when she was already down – not when she and Elliot were in a good place.
By the time the two men were done eating, Olivia had also consumed everything on her plate. It wasn't much, compared to how her appetite had been in the days prior to her anniversary, but at least she was eating. Needing to feel useful, she volunteered herself for cleanup duty, and neither Elliot nor Fin were willing to argue.
In terms of deciding where to have her video session with Lydia from – the privacy of her bedroom or the comfort of the living room with both men who cared for her nearby, Olivia couldn't make the decision. Ultimately, she consulted Elliot on his opinion, knowing he wouldn't sway her in one direction or the other, only offer his honest input. In the end, Fin elected to head upstairs and give them their privacy, allowing Elliot to sit in as as a silent support.
As Olivia waited for the video connection to link up and for Lydia to join the meeting, she chanced a glance over at her partner. Thankfully, he interpreted her expression perfectly, and moved from his spot in the nearby chair to join her on the couch. It would mean he also would be in frame on camera, essentially making it a joint session between the two of them and the psychiatrist, but Olivia was grateful to not be doing this alone. Even though she was feeling a bit stronger than the day before, she was still inundated with memories.
The image on the laptop changed, and a moment later, Lydia's face appeared on the screen. If she was in any way shocked by Elliot's presence, she didn't show it, merely greeted both of them and directed her attention toward her patient.
"How are feeling today, Olivia? Were you able to sleep any better last night?"
"Not really. I woke up in the early morning hours again. It wasn't night terrors or anything from the past that was bothering me, more the developments from yesterday. I got out of bed and came downstairs, needing a change of scenery. Thankfully, I wasn't alone, because that probably wasn't the wisest decision on my part, now that I think about it. The last thing I need right now is to be stuck in my own head."
Lydia nodded, and asked a few more questions related to sleep and how Olivia was continuing to process what had happened the day before and her trauma anniversary in general. Eventually the questions segued to the topic of food, in particular her appetite and how her stomach was tolerating the things she was eating.
"I haven't thrown up again, not since after I saw that video message yesterday. But if I'm being honest, the nausea has been prevalent. I'm trying to treat my stomach with kid gloves, and not eat anything that would cause too much upset."
It appeared as though the psychiatrist had just been inspired by an idea of sorts. Her eyes had lit up, and she regarded both Olivia and Elliot with curiosity, before posing a question that she hoped would be beneficial.
"Would you say that you are frequently nauseated, Olivia?"
"Maybe? It's hard to explain. I guess that would be the right word, because I feel sick, but then I remember when I felt that way when Lewis had me. I felt sick then, too, but I had to control it so much, because he always had my mouth taped. I knew if I threw up, there was a very real possibility I could suffocate. Either that or it would just make him angry, and he'd hurt me even more."
Lydia nodded, then pressed ahead, continuing to use caution with her words.
"Have you ever heard of a medication called ondansetron? You might be more familiar with it under the brand name, which is Zofran. It's an anti-emetic, and is used to treat nausea."
"I've heard of it, and I have taken it before. I believe they even gave it to me in the hospital after both ordeals with Lewis. But like I've said, I don't think I could manage any other pills right now."
"I remember, and believe me, I understand. But this is available in several forms, one of which is a liquid. If you were interested, I could write you a prescription to have on hand should you ever encounter an occasion like you did yesterday. You don't have to decide right this minute, take some time to think about it. Just know that the option is there."
Unsure what to say, Olivia merely agreed. If she were honest with herself, she was feeling a bit overwhelmed – not by Lydia – but at the prospect that her own personal pharmacy might grow again. No matter how much having an anti-emetic would help, the idea that she was becoming dependent on so many medications was frustrating as hell. It felt as though she wasn't able to function on her own, even though the more logical side of her brain argued that wasn't the case.
"Tell me, Olivia, what is going through your head most at the moment? I don't want you to think about it, just say the first thing that comes to mind."
Not sure where the exercise was going, Olivia complied nevertheless.
"Pain."
"Can you tell me more about that?"
It was surprisingly easy for Olivia to go into detail, as she explained how the scars on her body were aching more than usual. Whether or not the phantom pains she felt were real or imagined, no one could say for certain, and that really didn't matter. Combined with the vivid memories of fear that were so deeply entrenched in her brain, rising to the surface, it was all consuming. While all the details themselves may have been foggy because of the substances Lewis forced her to take, it didn't minimize the horror that she had endured.
What was worse than her own experiences, however, had been what Olivia had been forced to witness Lewis do to others. As a cop, it had always been her sworn duty to serve and protect – to give her life if necessary at the expense of others. During those four days, she had been helpless to even save herself, let alone those who that monster had tormented or killed. That had been the hardest thing to live with. Not just living with the aftermath of all she had survived, but dealing with the guilt that she had failed so many.
Not having realized that she was crying, or even clinging desperately to Elliot's hand, Olivia continued to purge herself of her demons, speaking more openly than she ever had before about what she remembered about her time with Lewis and the blame she still placed on her own shoulders. It was only when she paused for breath that Lydia spoke again, her voice as gentle and reassuring as always.
"I know I don't have to tell you, Olivia, that none of what happened to you was your fault. Your experience as an SVU Sergeant notwithstanding, I know you understand that the only person responsible for the crimes committed then was Lewis himself. Just like the others, you were also someone he traumatized. Don't minimize what you went through simply because you believe you should be better equipped to handle it."
As grateful as Olivia was to have a psychiatrist who empathized with her trauma and was easy to talk to, sometimes it really got under her skin how well this woman could read her. Typically she was only accustomed to that level of visibility from someone like Elliot. But instead of wanting to run, it only made her want to persevere. More than anything else, she wanted to prove William Lewis wrong. That monster had not destroyed her. Yes, she was struggling now, and it may take awhile, but she was reclaiming her life piece by piece.
When the session started to wind down, Lydia could tell that Olivia was still struggling. Walking her patient through some relaxation techniques, she helped the woman to center herself again after all the complex things that had been brought up throughout the course of the last hour. Just prior to signing off, Olivia ultimately gave her consent to being willing to give the anti-emetic medication a try, so long as she were able to have it in liquid form. She couldn't say for certain whether or not it would ever be needed, but it would be a relief to have that extra assurance and not be consumed by feelings that could potentially be even more triggering.
When the room was silent once more, Olivia simply let herself sag against Elliot's chest, trusting that he would envelop her in the embrace that she needed. Nothing more needed to be said in that moment, and fresh from the relaxation exercise she had gone through with Lydia, Olivia allowed the sound of her partner's heartbeat continue to ground her and keep her rooted in the present.
Olivia wasn't sure how long she had stayed nestled close to Elliot. Neither of them had spoken, and as much as she appreciated the sound of her partner's voice, she was equally grateful for the silence. As always, therapy had been extremely draining and exhausting, and she just needed some time to process and decompress before taking on any other conversations.
After a time, the sound of footsteps on the stairs caught Olivia's attention, and even though she knew it was only Fin, she still found herself tensing involuntarily. She hated the way her startle response was so easily triggered lately, even though she was well aware it was no fault of her own.
"Hey, Liv. I thought I might head out for a bit, maybe pick us up some lunch somewhere? I know you don't have much of an appetite, but I thought you wouldn't mind if I grabbed some soup and sandwiches or something light. Also, I was just wondering if you needed anything else?"
Olivia glanced at Elliot, hesitant to ask on her own. It wasn't until her partner's reassuring nod that she felt the confidence she needed.
"Actually, Lydia sent in a prescription for me. If it wouldn't be too much trouble for you to pick it up? As for lunch, what you suggested sounds like it's worth a try. I can't make any promises, but it seems like one of my better options. That soup Elliot made yesterday went down fairly well."
Not wanting to put too much pressure on Olivia, Fin brought in the menu from the deli he planned to stop at, and promised he would call after he had finished running his errands. That way, it would give her ample time to figure out her order. He also made sure to ask Elliot if he needed anything from the store, to which the other man listed a few essential items.
After getting everything he needed, Fin was on his way, leaving Olivia and Elliot on their own again. Feeling claustrophobic even despite the amount of ample space around her, Olivia couldn't help but ask for a change of scenery.
"Hey, El? Would it be all right if we went outside for a bit? I don't want to go where anyone could see me, but maybe just to sit on the patio? I could really use some fresh air."
"Of course. Is there anything else you need?"
"Maybe some water."
Elliot told Olivia to head out and get settled, and promised he would grab her a drink and join her in a moment. When he stepped outside the sliding glass door, he found her sitting in one corner of the sofa they had purchased, her knees drawn up to her chest and staring off into the distance. The image nearly broke his heart. He would have given anything to spare Olivia from what she was currently going through, but knowing that wasn't possible, Elliot just increased his determination to remind his partner that she wasn't alone.
"Here you go, Liv."
"Thanks."
Olivia took a tentative sip, then a bigger one. Apparently the hydration was helping in more ways than one – or maybe it was the contrast of the coldness of the glass against her warm palm. Elliot knew from his own experiences with being overwhelmed that sometimes something as simple as a temperature variation could work wonders in bringing a person back to the present.
Taking a seat next to his partner, Elliot wasn't surprised in the least when Olivia snuggled up against him for comfort. What was shocking, however, where the next words out of her mouth. Given that Fin had left the topic of food more open ended, he had been expecting her to back out at the last minute. So when Olivia gave him her order, Elliot was nonetheless pleasantly surprised.
"When Fin calls, can you let him know that I'd like the potato soup and a turkey sandwich? You already know my preferences in terms of bread and cheese choices with that. I think those are probably my safest bets today."
"I can do that. Is there anything else?"
Olivia gnawed on her lower lip, and Elliot could tell that whatever she was about to say next was weighing more heavily on her soul.
"I don't want to know any of the updates on what's going on with Brownwyn. I don't mind if the two of you discuss them, I just can't deal with that right now. Maybe after these next few days are over, I'll be better equipped to handle it, but I just don't have the mental strength to carry the weight of that, too."
"Whatever you need, Liv. You know we'll respect your wishes."
Olivia leaned her head against Elliot's shoulder.
"I know. And I love you both for it."
After Olivia had finished her water, Elliot took the empty glass from her hand and placed it on the table in front of them. Wrapping an arm around his partner, he encouraged her to rest even more of her weight against him.
"Just rest, Liv. I know that your sessions with Lydia take a lot out of you. I'm not even telling you to sleep, only to let me take care of you for a bit."
"I can do that. Maybe later, if you're up to it, we can spar for a bit? I think it would help to get some aggression out today."
"That won't be a problem. I've already promised to be your punching bag anytime you need."
Relieved, Olivia let her eyes drift closed and tried to push the other nagging worries out of her mind for the time being. It helped to know that she had another session scheduled with Lydia for the following day, one in which the psychiatrist was fitting her in just as she had assured her she would. Olivia felt marginally guilty for monopolizing so much of the other woman's valuable time, but she couldn't deny how it was helping to have the additional support system.
Trying not to focus on the upcoming meal she would have to face, Olivia allowed herself to feel relief knowing she had finally asked about keeping the knowledge of her newest tormentor at bay until she was strong enough to handle it. In the back of her mind, she tried to find comfort in the memory of her most recent cooking lesson with Owen, finding that a safer option that the other more dangerous avenues her thoughts could travel. It also made her want to issue the reminder to try and contact her friend, feeling a wave of guilt for having been so distant, even though the more logical side of her brain argued that Owen would understand.
Not even realizing that she had started to hyperventilate as everything began to spiral and inundate her at once, it took a few moments for Olivia to become aware of the fact that Elliot was calling to her. When she registered his presence, and his strong arms around her, she also noticed that the scent of his cologne was even stronger before, and it dawned on her that he must have been carrying the bottle with him in his pocket to spray at times when she got so overwhelmed that she needed the additional help to ground herself.
"You with me, Liv?"
"I think so. Sorry. I don't know where I went for a moment."
"You don't have to apologize. Sometimes it just hits all at once, and from completely out of nowhere. All that matters is that you're okay."
Nuzzling even more against Elliot's neck, Olivia inhaled deeply.
"The cologne is helping. Thank you."
"Of course. Did you need some more water?"
Olivia did, but she also didn't want to be alone, so she opted to go without.
"Just sit with me for awhile."
"I can do that."
When Fin got back a short time later, he found the partners still out on the patio. Since the weather was so nice, and Olivia seemed to be able to breathe easier out in the open, the men suggested they have their lunch picnic style. Olivia was quick to agree, not yet willing to close herself back up in the house. Allowing Fin and Elliot to help her, Olivia soon found a small bowl of soup in front or her, along with a turkey sandwich and a glass of iced tea. She couldn't hide her smile when she realized that Fin had even remembered to include a pickle spear with her food.
As the trio ate, their topic of conversation drifted to their other colleagues back in the city. Fin spent a great deal of time regaling Olivia and Elliot on Munch's latest conspiracy theories. Apparently their suspicious friend had found himself some new authors to follow. While he was still as dedicated a member of SVU and as devoted to justice as ever before, his trust in the general public continued to dwindle. Given her own recent experiences, Olivia couldn't say she necessarily blamed him. But then she had to think of men like Owen, who continued to restore her faith in the fact that good people did exist in the world.
With the numerous distractions around her, Olivia was able to keep from being too entirely focused on the food on her plate, and as a result, actually ended up eating more than she had thought she was capable of. While it still wasn't as much as she had been accustomed to in more recent days since the anniversary of her trauma, she had nonetheless managed to consume a decent amount of her soup and half of her sandwich. The leftovers would be packed away for later, and Olivia could only feel relief in knowing that her evening meal was already taken care of and she wouldn't have to give it a single thought – even though she was aware that Elliot or Fin would have made certain she had nothing to stress over.
Needing some time to herself, and also wanting to give the two men some time to discuss things, Olivia asked if she could be left alone outside for a bit while her stomach settled. She knew she would feel safe on the patio, where there was no other way of someone getting to her location without traveling through the house. Neither Fin nor Elliot would let anyone near her, and she would be able to reflect on her thoughts in peace without any interruptions. The other thing Olivia wanted to do – but first needed Elliot's help – was some journaling. Even if it ended up being some more stream of consciousness writing like she had done the other day, she knew it wasn't healthy to keep her emotions bottled up inside. After asking her partner to bring her leather bound journal out to her, Olivia promised that once she'd had some time to rest, she was going to take him up on his earlier offer of sparring. Apparently, this amused Fin to no end, and wanting to insert some levity into the moment, the other man couldn't resist to add his own opinion.
"I can't wait to witness that, Stabler. Do you know how many people would pay good money for a chance to kick your ass? And Liv here gets to do it for free."
Unable to hide her smile over her friend's comment, Olivia felt herself laugh for the first time in what felt like forever – even though it hadn't really been as long as she had imagined. There was no denying the lightness to her spirit felt good, and while she wished more than anything for it to last, she would take whatever she could get. No matter how it seemed, this darkness that was surrounding her wouldn't last forever, she just had to endure a little bit longer and muddle through. Not that the rest of her recovery had been easy, but Olivia had always known these four days would be difficult.
"Take as much time as you want to yourself, Liv. If you need anything, you can reach out by phone to either one of us, or just come inside. Whenever you're ready, we can spar. I'll even have Fin help me clear the coffee table and other furniture out of the way in the living room so everything is all set."
"Thanks, El."
Pulling her knees up to her chest, Olivia balanced her journal on her lap. Deep in thought, she tapped the pen against her lips for a few moments trying to figure out just what it was she wanted to write. Not that there was anything wrong with the stream of consciousness journaling she had engaged in previously, but she wanted to at least attempt to be more coherent this time. If not for her own benefit, then to maybe help others help her more. In the end, a wave of inspiration came and Olivia ultimately decided to pen a letter to her partner. It didn't matter how far they had come in terms of repairing their relationship, there was still so much that remained unsaid between them.
Dear Elliot -
I know we've been talking a lot lately – probably even more than we ever talked as partners – but there are still so many things you don't know. Even though we're going to therapy together, I find it difficult to bring up certain subjects. I guess that's what I'm hoping to resolve here, that by putting these words to paper, I can get them out of my own head, and while I can't say them out loud, you will know that I still mean them with all of my heart.
I've already told you before that you broke me when you left, but that's not what this is about. This is about my need to absolve you of the guilt that I know you still carry for not having been there when Lewis first came into my life last year.
I'm not going to deny that there weren't times I hadn't wished that you would have been around. But that is only because I know you would have known I was missing right away. However, there is also a part of me that is relieved, because I know that if you had been there, you would have insisted on walking me up to my apartment that night – or at the very least, asked me to blink the lights. When that didn't happen, you would have come charging through my door, and being the monster that he was, Lewis would have killed you on sight. Your death is not something I would have ever wanted on my conscience. It was hard enough to struggle to survive with the weight of responsibility of complete strangers suffering on my shoulders. Had it been someone I loved, I never could have managed.
The other reason I am grateful that you only came back into my life when you did is because Lewis was already dead when you found me. Had he not been, I know you would not have thought twice about killing him – with your bare hands if necessary. No matter how reassured I would have been in knowing that you had done something like that to avenge and protect me, I simply would not have been able to bear the thought of you spending the rest of your life in prison for something you did on my behalf. You don't deserve that, and neither do your children.
In the end, the monster took himself out of the equation, even if he almost destroyed my life in the process. But justice prevailed, and with your love and support, I'm learning that I'm stronger than I ever knew I could be. There is no question that reliving the memories of these four days has already been pure hell, but I'm not doing it alone, and I never will have to again.
What I'm trying to say, El, is thank you. Thank you for believing in me when I couldn't believe in myself. I may be struggling right now, but I know it's only temporary. I still haven't forgotten how it felt to stand at the top of the lighthouse with you – where we could see for miles in every direction. I still don't know what the future holds for me in terms of what I want to do, but I'm certain of who I want with me in the journey. I just need you to continue to be patient with me along the way.
Love,
Liv
By the time she had finished penning her missive in the pages of her journal, streams of saltwater were streaming down Olivia's cheeks. However, she was the least distressed that she had been in over forty eight hours, the words she had just purged from her soul had been the most cathartic exercise – exactly what she had needed. Knowing there was no way for her tears to go unnoticed, Olivia closed the notebook and got to her feet. Using one of the remaining napkins from their lunch, she dried her eyes as best as possible, then made her way into the cottage, ready to alleviate the concerns of the men who would no doubt be instantly worried when they saw her. She had cleansed one part of her mind, now it was time to expunge even more of her demons and spar with her partner.
Just as Olivia had anticipated, both Fin and Elliot were concerned at the sight of her flushed cheeks and reddened eyes. Before either of the men had a chance to blame themselves for having been absent when the woman they cared about had been so visibly distraught, she instantly absolved them.
"I'm okay – or at least, as okay as I can be under the circumstances. I think maybe I just needed to have a good cry. I promise, if I would have felt like I needed either one of you, I would have reached out."
Satisfied, Elliot nodded, but didn't hesitate to step closer and wrap his arms around his partner. Olivia couldn't help but think maybe he needed the reassurance just as much as she did, and she welcomed the embrace. When they separated, she brushed her hair back out of her eyes with one hand, and gestured toward the stairs with the other, which still held her journal.
"I'm going to go up and change into something suitable for sparring. I'll be back in a few minutes. If one of you wouldn't mind grabbing me a bottle of water to have on hand, I'd really appreciate it."
It was Fin who headed into the kitchen, while Elliot turned in the direction of the hall closet, where they kept their bag of sparring gear. Confident that things would be handled while she stepped away – not that she ever had any doubt – Olivia ascended the stairs. Having remembered how overheated she got the last time she and Elliot engaged in this particular exercise, she dressed for the occasion, opting for a pair of capri length leggings and a tank top with a built in sport bra. No matter how self conscious she was over the scars that Lewis left behind, Olivia knew she could trust the two men in her presence with her life, and had no hesitation about baring a small amount of flesh to either one of them. Maybe at one point she would have, but anniversary or no anniversary, she was determined to begin reclaiming her body. That would start with just being comfortable in her own skin.
The last step before heading back to the lower level might have been the most important one of all, and that was to pull her hair up and into a ponytail so it wouldn't interfere with her movements. Satisfied, Olivia turned on her heel, more than ready to let out some of the pent out aggression that had been brewing since the day before. Little did she know that Fin had his own way of helping her do just that.
Olivia knew Fin – and by extension Elliot – were up to something the instant she set foot on the bottom step. The two men were standing close together, whispering between themselves in a conspiratorial fashion. Moreover, the latter was fussing with the protective gloves Elliot would wear over his hands that were designed to bear the brunt of Olivia's punches. Weighing her options as to whether or not to call them out on their mysterious nature, Olivia instead opted to wait and see before learning what all the secrecy had been about. She knew they wouldn't be long.
Sure enough, after a final wrapping of clear packing tape, Elliot clapped his gloves together several times to test their durability. Satisfied, he held them out for his partner to inspect. Even though she had yet to don her own sparring gear, Olivia stepped closer, and what she saw sent both a flicker of rage through her body but also a flood of warmth to her heart.
Somehow, Fin had managed to get his hands on Bronwyn's most recent mugshot photo, likely from when the woman was processed at the precinct the day before. Twin copies of that image now rested on each of Elliot's gloves, ready and waiting to receive every punch that Olivia was about to throw. The picture was centered such that each blow was designed to hit dead center on Bronwyn's face. It was something that Olivia had always envisioned doing, ever since she had first learned of the woman's having been complicit in William Lewis' escape from prison so many weeks prior, but had never had the opportunity to act on until now. Today, she would have the chance to unleash all of her frustrations without ever once having to jeopardize her career - or her reputation – in the process.
Since Elliot was already suited up, it was Fin who helped Olivia put on her own equipment. From the necessary headgear, to the protective gloves that would keep her hands safe from damage, her friend didn't relax until he was certain that wouldn't accidentally injure herself in the process of kicking her partner's ass – and by extension, the loosely crafted effigy of one Bronwyn Freed.
With a recollection of how many memories had assailed her the last time she had done this, Olivia squared off against Elliot, locking eyes with him as she felt trepidation settle in the pit of her stomach. Thankfully, his ability to read her so easily was as true as ever, and he instantly said what she needed to hear.
"Remember what I told you before, Liv. Don't hold back. Let me work with you, not the other way around. Don't worry about me needing to keep up, I'll manage. Just let it all out."
Holding his hands out in her direction, Olivia switched her gaze from the steady calming blue to the more tumultuous face on the printed page – the one surrounded by a shock of curly red hair. Not surprisingly, she was transported back in time several months, to a courtroom where it felt like she had been the one on trial instead of her attacker, and the jury foreperson who had fallen under a monster's spell.
PUNCH
For having had not only her career, but her integrity called into question.
PUNCH
For the doctor and her daughter who suffered needlessly because of Bronwyn's interference.
PUNCH
For Amelia Cole, life forever changed at such a young age.
PUNCH
For having the audacity to try and continue William Lewis' reign of terror, even after the beast was dead.
While Olivia hadn't exhausted herself to the point that she had previously, that didn't mean that her punches hadn't been thrown with the same amount of intensity. For her part, Olivia was just grateful that she hadn't embarrassed herself in the same way by having an emotional breakdown this time. Of course, Elliot would never have described it like that, and she knew it, but she couldn't quite seem to treat herself with the same kindness as she did others. It was an ongoing work in progress.
Fin helped Olivia remove one of her gloves, and passed her a bottle of water, knowing instinctively that if were to hold the drink to her mouth to assist her, it would be beyond triggering. He also had an inkling that despite the pause in punches being thrown, his friend was nowhere near done in exorcising some of the demons she carried – but might need to move on from what she was currently working on.
"Need me to take her face away from your field of view, Liv?"
"Please."
After she had quenched her thirst, Olivia allowed Fin to help her replace the glove that had been removed. Turning around to face Elliot for second time, she held a wordless conversation with her partner. As promised, Bronwyn's image was nowhere to be seen, and Olivia exhaled a sigh of relief. Ever intuitive to her state of mind, Elliot put forth a question designed for her ears alone.
"Tell me what you need."
"I want you to work with me."
It was one of those times where Olivia was immensely grateful for the innate communication she shared with her partner. There had been no need to explain herself further, as he had understood her meaning instantly. As soon as Fin had helped her get her glove replaced again once she'd had her fill of water, she and Elliot had squared off against one another. In a perfect balance of give and take, they moved in an effortless exchange of punches and parries. To the outsider, it gave the appearance that the duo were engaged in an intricate dance – and in a way, they were. Each of them knew how much strength to use behind their moves, and how to deflect the blows coming their direction. They had practiced this particular exercise countless times over the course of their partnership, helping one another burn off excess energy or anger after the cases that hit too hard or were too difficult to let go of.
This is what Olivia had needed today, someone to fight with her, not just absorb her blows. She needed the resistance, the strength, and the ability to fight back. Only Elliot knew her well enough to be able to give her that.
How long the two continued with their sparring, Olivia couldn't say. She wasn't as exhausted by the end of it, and was extremely relieved that this session hadn't ended with her collapsing in a emotional mess in her partner's arms. Not that the previous bout of tears the last time hadn't been cathartic, or even a much needed release, but she'd had enough of crying for today. It was one thing when grieving for herself and what she'd lost, but William Lewis and Bronwyn Freed weren't worth weeping over.
Feeling fatigue starting to settle into her bones, and not wanting to push herself beyond her limits, Olivia knew when to call it quits. Elliot had gone toe to toe with her the entire time, but he also had been able to read her desire to stop. Just as he had when they had sparred before, he quickly divested both of them of their equipment, and wrapped her in a comforting embrace, paying no heed to the perspiration that covered each of their bodies. Olivia clung to her partner in return, knowing he needed the hug just as much as she did.
Once she was feeling more centered, Olivia looked around, and found that she and Elliot were on their own. She wasn't surprised, because despite his earlier teasing about having wanted to be present when she kicked her partner's ass, Olivia had known that Fin would have never intruded on such a private moment. Before she had a chance to voice anything to Elliot, however, it was he who was speaking to her – but only after he had pressed a kiss to her forehead.
"Good session, Liv. It's been awhile since I've had a workout that intense with someone who could keep up with me like that. I'm guessing you're going to want to shower."
"You know it. But you'll need one, too. I wasn't the only one who put their all into it -"
Elliot cupped his palm against Olivia's cheek, and the anxieties that were creeping back in stilled almost instantly at his gentle touch.
"Yes, I do, but it's not going to hurt me any if I wait another fifteen minutes. You take care of yourself, do what you need to do. Don't worry about me. I'll clean up down here and put the living room back in order."
Knowing it was useless to try and argue, Olivia simply nodded and headed upstairs. She couldn't deny that the prospect of a shower sounded amazing, and as beneficial as the sparring had been, she still needed time to decompress and process the few remaining thoughts that were cycling through her brain. Standing under a steady stream of hot water was the perfect opportunity to do just that.
A short time later, Olivia was feeling a whole lot fresher, and had found a change of clothes – including yet another pilfered tee shirt from Elliot's collection. Even though she was feeling more grounded, she still opted to apply a spritz of her partner's cologne to the fabric, appreciating the added layer of insurance the fragrance would provide to her psyche. When she returned downstairs, she found that the living room had been restored to its original condition, and a glass of ice water was waiting for her. Elliot, on the other hand, she had just missed, as he was nowhere to be found. Olivia knew then that he had taken her earlier message to heart and was now in the process of getting his own shower.
Settling herself on the couch at an angle from Fin, who must have returned to the lower level in her absence, Olivia took a healthy drink from the frosted glass on the coffee table. The water tasted amazing, and she made sure to hydrate adequately, not wanting to make herself sick after such an intense workout.
"Thanks, Fin."
There was no need for Olivia to elaborate on what she was thanking her friend for. Her gratitude spanned many different facets, but none of that mattered, because Fin wasn't looking for credit. All he wanted was for the woman he cared about to reclaim the confidence of her former self. Despite the turmoil of the day before, he'd seen a glimpse of the familiar Badass Benson today, and Fin knew that while there was no doubt this first anniversary had left Olivia shaken, it would not break her spirit.
The sound of footfalls on the steps announced Elliot's arrival before he could voice his presence, and Olivia turned her head in that direction to greet her partner. While her appetite was still rocky at best, she couldn't deny that was feeling slightly hungry after that sparring session. The only problem she was having was trying to decide what it was she wanted to try, and Olivia had a feeling that Elliot would know just the solution.
"Hey, El. Before you sit down, do you think you could scrounge up a snack? I'm not in the mood for anything heavy, but I think I could stand to replace a few of those calories I burned."
"Of course. I know it's usually one of your breakfast choices, but how about I fix you a parfait? We still have that nutella granola that I made yesterday. I can mix that with some sliced strawberries and that vanilla yogurt you like."
Olivia nodded her consent, agreeing that her partner's idea sounded perfect. While Elliot disappeared into the kitchen, she picked up the remote, intent on finding something they could all watch together that would also serve as a distraction. She'd finally settled on a program they would all be able to agree on when her partner reappeared, a small but manageable sized parfait in hand.
"Here you go, Liv."
"Thanks."
Taking his seat on the couch, Elliot waited until Olivia made herself comfortable leaning against him to ask what she had chosen. He couldn't help but laugh when he learned it was a movie about detectives, Olivia's reasoning having been that the three of them would have a field day picking out the inconsistencies among the plot line.
In the end, Olivia's plan had worked like a charm. Not only had the movie served as a much needed distraction, but it had made everyone laugh as they pointed out one inaccuracy after another. About the only thing that had rung true to life – at least in Fin's humble opinion – had been the flirtation between the two partners who ended up falling in love by the end of the story. Trying and failing to conceal her blush, Olivia tucked her head against Elliot's shoulder. It wasn't that she was embarrassed – in fact, it was common for Fin to tease them about how close they were, but comments like that just hit differently now. Olivia had a feeling Fin knew that, too, which is why he didn't push the issue.
Not in the mood for another movie, Olivia instead opted to switch to one of the travel shows that she and Elliot enjoyed. She was still purposely avoiding the ghost hunting one, but there were several others they could pick from. Even those that focused on the subject of food weren't as daunting. But as she stifled a yawn, Olivia had a feeling she would be turning in early. Granted, she still had dinner to get through, plus her usual evening routine, but she wasn't going to give up hope that maybe tonight would be the night she actually got some decent sleep.
After several hours had passed, making it much later than when Olivia had thought she would retire for the night, she was ready to call it quits. Having already showered twice today, she had elected to not indulge in a bubble bath, opting to instead try the candle warmer that Fin had bought while he was out earlier and had only gifted to her after dinner. Having remembered that open flames were a big trigger right now, but how much Olivia loved the scents of her favorite candles, he wanted to give her something so she could enjoy them at any time without having to light the wick. Tonight, the one that seemed the most appealing would match the fragrance of her bath foam, emitting an essence of chamomile and lavender, and Olivia hoped it would work just as well at helping her unwind as she prepared for bed.
Knowing Elliot would give her ample time to get settled before coming up to join her, Olivia said good night to Fin, then ascended the stairs to the second level. Since her nighttime routine was cut shorter than normal with the absence of her bath, Olivia went through the steps of washing her face and applying moisturizer, then brushed her teeth. After making sure to get all the knots out of her hair, she climbed into her side of the bed, already wearing something suitable for sleeping in.
Olivia had sitting propped up under the covers for about ten minutes when Elliot tapped softly on the door before gently pushing it open. Bringing over the mug of tea that he'd prepared for her, he passed it off into her waiting hands, then promised to return shortly as soon as he, too, had finished with his own nightly rituals. It reminded Olivia that she wanted to suggest again to her partner about the idea of his moving his things into her room on a permanent basis, but she knew there was no way he'd accept that – at least not when her mind was so overloaded with the anniversary of her abduction. Better to wait until she could make the decision while being completely clear headed, and assure the man of just how certain she was with what she wanted.
Sipping her tea carefully – even though she knew Elliot would have used plenty of caution in preparing the beverage so there was no chance of her burning her tongue – Olivia tried to think about what would be the best way to unwind. She wasn't sure if she was in the mood to watch anything else, her attention span still not at full capacity. At the same time, she couldn't say she had an interest in Elliot reading to her, either, no matter how much she typically enjoyed hearing him narrate her favorite stories. The nagging sensation in her gut told her what it was she needed, she just wasn't quite ready to admit it to herself just yet. However, if she wanted any semblance of peace tonight, she knew she'd have to listen to that internal voice and give in to the curiosity that was plaguing her.
A short while later, and Elliot was back. In the time he was gone, Olivia had finished her tea, and the comforting scent of a familiar aftershave that filled the room with her partner's presence informed her of what had delayed him.
"Was there something you wanted to watch tonight, Liv? Or, would you rather I read to you?"
"Actually, I was kind of hoping we could talk."
The expression on Elliot's face morphed into one of care and concern.
"Of course."
Setting her empty mug on the nightstand, Olivia worried her lower lip between her teeth for a few moments before voicing her next request.
"Do you think you could hold me while we talk? There are some things I need to ask, and I think I'm going to need the extra support."
Based on the hesitancy in his partner's body language alone, Elliot already had a feeling of what it was Olivia wanted to talk about. While there was a part of him that had his doubts as to whether or not this was the best time for this particular conversation, he would never deny her any knowledge of information as it pertained to her. What he would do, however was offer whatever comfort and reassurances he was able.
Getting in the bed beside Olivia, and arranging his own blankets over his lap, Elliot wrapped an arm around his partner's shoulders and waited as leaned against his chest and tucked her head under his chin. In deference to the subject they were about to approah, Elliot kept the volume of his voice low and his tone even.
"What do you want to know, Liv?"
"Tell me about what happened with Bronwyn. I thought I'd prefer to remain in the dark, but I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I just keep wondering about it."
Turning his head and brushing his lips against Olivia's temple, Elliot hoped that what he was about to say would bring the woman in his arms some peace.
"There isn't going to be a trial."
Olivia immediately tensed, and Elliot could have kicked himself for not having started out better.
"It's a good thing. The judge overturned the sentence in regard to her previous involvement with aiding and abetting Lewis. Now, instead of house arrest and probation, Brownyn will be spending the maximum amount of time in prison – with an additional four years for aggravated harassment. She'll also have to pay a pretty hefty fine."
Scarcely able to believe what she was hearing, Olivia placed one hand on Elliot's chest for stability. Feeling the steady thrum of her partner's heart beating under her palm, she finally found the courage to confirm what she most needed to believe.
"So what you're saying is -?"
"You won't have to worry about Bronwyn Freed for a very long time. Even if that were a concern, Barba added an additional stipulation that if she were ever to be released, that a restraining order be put into place. If she does ever contact you, she can kiss whatever chances that remain of her freedom goodbye."
A choked sob escaped from Olivia's lips, more from relief than anything else, and Elliot instinctively held her tighter. When it came to the court system, William Lewis may have had a Teflon coating as far as making charges stick, but the woman he had charmed would not be as fortunate. It didn't erase the damage that had been done, but Olivia could breathe just a little bit easier knowing that in the end, she had been believed. Her truth had been told, and her story had mattered. Not that she hadn't already been trying so hard already, but maybe now she could finally put even greater strides forward in healing without always waiting for the other shoe to drop. This particular chapter of her life would never be closed completely, but perhaps one day it would be easier remember these days without speed reading through all the pages. There had been good moments, too, which is why she didn't want to close the book entirely.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome. There's more, if you're up to hearing it. Not about Bronwyn, I promise I've told you everything concerning her. But rather in regard to those phone calls you've been getting."
Right. She had almost forgotten about that, having placed her trust completely in Fin and Elliot's hands that they would handle things on her behalf. Considering how well Barba had done in court, Olivia could only reason that her friend had used his talents once again in dealing with the nuisance of the press, but it would still be so satisfying to hear.
"I want to know."
"Fin's earlier prediction was right. Barba ripped the Ledger a new asshole. I do believe threats were made, and if they try to contact you again for a comment that isn't SVU related or pertaining to an ongoing case, there will be problems."
Even though she was still feeling a bit emotional, Olivia couldn't help but laugh at that piece of news. She was immensely grateful for her support system, and not for the first time, thanked her lucky stars that she had so many people in her life that she could count on. By now, she was halfway through the anniversary of the worst four days of her life. There were still another two days to muddle through, but it no longer felt as though she were drowning. Rather, it was more like she was treading water. But she wasn't doing it alone, and it wouldn't be long before she had resurfaced completely. Confident that she could at last try and get some sleep without the weight of the unknown hanging over her shoulders, Olivia changed their positions slightly, pulling Elliot down with her, but still managing to stay so that her head was resting on his chest.
"I think I'd like it if you read to me now."
"I'd be happy to. Just remember, Liv. If you have trouble sleeping, you don't have to deal with the darkness on your own. Don't be afraid to wake me up if you need me."
"I won't."
Pressing a kiss to her partner's cheek, Olivia settled back in to her prior comfy spot and closed her eyes. As the soothing sound of Elliot's voice reached her ears, she tried to focus solely on the story and let it carry her to her dreams.