Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
Given the whirlwind of emotions Olivia had experienced over the past two days as she was coping with her first ever anniversary of her initial ordeal with William Lewis, she supposed she shouldn't have been surprised to wake up on the morning of day three with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Compared to everything else she had been dealing with, the weight was an all consuming burden, and the pressure of responsibility that had settled on her chest and shoulders made it difficult – if not impossible – to breathe. Having remembered her promise that she would reach out and not retreat further into herself next time she became upset, Olivia didn't hesitate to extend her hand in search of her partner. The only reason she hadn't opted to say anything out loud was because she didn't trust the state of her voice, and believed if she were to try to speak, she'd only break down in tears instead.
The moment her fingers brushed Elliot's, he was instantly awake and seeking her out. Even though Olivia had yet to say a word, it only took him precious seconds to assess her mental state and calculate her level of distress.
"I'm here, Liv. Tell me what you need."
Still unable to put voice to the conflicting thoughts running through her brain, Olivia just shook her head. Ever intuitive, Elliot obtained consent, then once he had received permission, didn't hesitate to move closer and envelop the shaking woman beside him within the circle of his arms.
"It's okay. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. We can just stay like this for as long as you want."
Losing her battle against her tears, Olivia turned to bury her face in the juncture between Elliot's neck and shoulder, and bathed her partner's skin with the streams of saltwater that were streaming from her eyes. She was conscious of the fact that she was likely raising concern, and she wanted more than anything to speak up and defend herself, but she couldn't voice the thoughts in her head just yet – not only because it would make them all the more real, but it would also serve to magnify her shame.
Eventually, Olivia realized that she couldn't carry what she was dealing with on her own any longer. After careful consideration, in which she remembered that while they hadn't explicitly discussed much about her time with William Lewis, Elliot had in fact read a detailed report – one that also documented the monster's other crimes while she had been his captive. Given their years together as partners and their similar senses of duty and drive to protect, if anyone would understand what she was feeling, it would be the man who was holding her.
"I can't stop thinking about it. I was so powerless. Its not even what happened to me that I'm worried about right now, its what he did to the others that I was incapable of stopping. I'm a cop. It's my job to serve and protect. And I wasn't able to save them."
Elliot's heart broke for his partner. At the same time, he wasn't sure what the best way to reassure her was. Simply telling her she wasn't responsible wouldn't be enough. Though not to this exact degree, he had been in Olivia's shoes before, and no amount of lip service was ever able to soothe the guilt that a person carried when they felt they hadn't done enough to spare the suffering of someone else. He had dealt with it not only in his time in the Marines, but on the force as well. Plus, if it was absolution Olivia was seeking, he couldn't be the one to grant it. There was only one person who would be able to bring her the peace of mind she was seeking, and that had to be Olivia herself. Considering she had only just found a way to forgive herself for Lewis' part in her own torment, Elliot knew that it might still take some time before the woman he loved would feel the same freedom when it came to what she carried for those who had been tortured along with her.
"I know it hurts, Liv. And I know this may not be what you want to hear right now, but it wasn't your fault. I realize that doesn't change what you are feeling, but I thought perhaps you might need to hear it anyway."
"Thank you. But as I'm sure you're aware, hearing it and believing it are two completely different things."
Pressing his lips against the crown of Olivia's head, Elliot held her even more closely than before.
"I know. I can't make it better, and as much as I want to, I can't carry this for you, but I can promise not to go anywhere unless you ask me to."
"That's enough. I don't want to be alone right now. Just don't let go."
"Never."
As the two partners lay nestled snugly together in silence, Olivia was increasingly aware as more and more daylight filtered into the room through the closed blinds. She couldn't help but wonder if she'd ever sleep normally again, or if she was doomed to repeat the cycle of insomnia she'd found herself trapped within endlessly. It didn't seem fair that just when she'd found a comfortable routine, the anniversary had popped up to disrupt things all over again, throwing her life into yet another tailspin.
"I'm so tired, El. And I don't just mean I need to sleep. I don't think I can handle another two days of this shit."
The words hurt, but Elliot knew exactly where Olivia was coming from. Well aware that she was merely voicing her frustrations and not at any risk of hurting herself, his first instinct was to just get her over the next hurdle. It was something he had learned back when he had first joined AA, to not view all of the challenges that you were facing at once, or else they would seem insurmountable. Rather, to tackle them individually – thus, the motto of the group itself, 'one day at a time'. The same principle could easily apply here, and had even worked for Olivia before when she had struggled so much with her lack of appetite back when she was in the hospital.
"Then let's not worry about the next two days, or even tomorrow. For now, why don't we just focus on something we can do? How about we lay here for a little while longer, then if you're up to it, you can try and get a shower? If that works out, we can head downstairs and I'll make some coffee. You know I'm not going to force you to eat more than you're able, but if you think you could handle some breakfast, I'd be happy to fix you whatever you wanted."
Olivia lay quietly as she considered what Elliot had said. In the scope of things, his suggestions didn't seem impossible, and she couldn't deny that the idea of a shower was very appealing. Plus, if she were to stay here and hide away in the bedroom all day, that would only give her too much time to think about things she didn't want to focus on. It was better to try and stay distracted.
"Okay. You know I don't say this often, so I don't want you getting used to it, but in this instance, you're right. Just give me a few more minutes to get my bearings."
"Take as long as you need."
Even though Olivia hadn't been entirely convinced at the time, some of Elliot's words of wisdom had proven true. After laying nestled within the safety of her partner's embrace for another thirty minutes or so, she had felt significantly fortified – to the point that she was capable of getting out of bed and taking on task of completing her morning shower. Remembering the advice she had been given, Olivia tried to center her focus on only one chore, rather than view an entire day's worth all at once. It made the herculean efforts of things she needed to complete seem more manageable that way. When she was able to think more logically, she realized that even Lydia would have suggested a similar method.
Feeling more refreshed from her shower, and dressed for the day, Olivia exited the master bathroom to see that Elliot was waiting for her just as he had promised. Together, the two went downstairs, where they found Fin had already started a pot of coffee only minutes before. Having been so lost in her own torment, Olivia had very nearly forgotten that her friend had been staying with them at the cottage. It was on the tip of her tongue to apologize, but she quickly swallowed the urge, knowing that Fin didn't expect anything of the sort from her.
"Coffee will be ready shortly, Liv. Were you up to eating anything yet, or would you rather get some caffeine in your system first?"
The one thing Olivia loved more than anything was that Fin, like Elliot, wasn't pressuring her to eat. Both men were incredibly sensitive to the fact that her appetite wasn't up to its normal standards. While she hadn't quite slipped back into the old destructive habits she'd adopted when she'd initially arrived here in Cape May, there was no question that she hadn't been herself. Then again, no one was expecting her to be. That being said, Olivia knew that just as she had in the days previous, she needed to try and consume something this morning in order to keep up her strength.
Unable to make up her mind as to which of the two easiest options at her disposal she would prefer, Olivia ultimately decided to go with both. The baked oatmeal cups that Elliot had made weren't that large in size, and if she were to pair it with a scaled down fruit and yogurt parfait, it would be the perfect combination. Plus, on the chance that she should get full and find herself unable to finish, the rest could always be saved for a mid morning or afternoon snack.
The one thing Olivia did need to do, however, was help. She was certain that if she were to wait and let herself be fussed over, she would go completely mad. So, while the two men made themselves busy fixing her breakfast and their own, it was she who took on the task of making sure everyone had a cup of coffee waiting for them. Before long, the trio were seated at the table. Ultimately, it was Elliot who broke the ice and started the topic of conversation first, and even with her emotions in turmoil, it didn't take much for Olivia to pick up on the hesitation in her partner's voice.
"I have an appointment with my therapist later today, Liv. It's a video session, just like yours was with Lydia the other day, so I won't actually have to go anywhere. But if it's going to be a problem, I can cancel."
Reaching out, Olivia placed her hand on top of Elliot's. She forced her tone to remain steady. The last thing she wanted was for him to neglect his health at the expense of her own.
"You will do no such thing. At most, your session will last an hour. I'll have Fin to keep me company, and even if he weren't here, I'd still be okay on my own for that long. You need to take care of yourself, El. You promised."
Properly chastised, Elliot nodded his agreement. It was something they'd talked about often, only recently when the tables had been turned and Olivia was the one taking care of him as he had experienced his own traumatic anniversary. Not to mention, it was his partner's insistence that had sent him to a meeting only the day before.
"I hear you, Liv. I just don't want to let you down."
"You haven't, and you won't. But you also can't be backing out on Lauren, not when you've only just started seeing her."
Holding up both hands in a gesture of surrender, Elliot wordlessly called for a truce – even though they hadn't been arguing.
"Okay, I get it. I was stupid and spoke without thinking."
With a glance at Fin, Elliot instead pointed a finger at the other man, who up until now had remained silent.
"Not a word out of you."
"I'm just sitting here eating and minding my own business."
Laughing, Olivia set down her spoon to focus on her coffee. Between the intensity of the discussion and the way she had gotten so fired up with wanting to protect Elliot, she had already eaten more than she had realized. The last thing she wanted was for the fragrant brew to get any colder before she could enjoy it.
Once everyone had finished, they all worked together to clean up. Then, Elliot headed upstairs to get ready for his appointment, leaving Fin and Olivia on their own. Although he didn't possess the same innate ability to read the brunette that Elliot had, Fin's closeness with Olivia served him well, and he could easily see how restless she was.
"What would you say if we got some fresh air? If you're not in the mood to go far, we can just go outside to the patio, but if it's something more you're craving, I'll follow anywhere you lead."
"Actually, I'd kind of like to go to the beach. It's usually mostly deserted this time of day, and I don't think we'll run into anyone on the street, either."
Quick to agree, Fin went to the second level to grab a jacket for himself, and also promised to retrieve a sweatshirt for his friend as well. Knowing that her partner would not have started his session yet,
Olivia sent Elliot a brief text, letting him know where she and Fin would be going – only so he wouldn't worry. She had no clue how long she'd want to stay by the shoreline, but the last thing she wanted was to instill any panic.
"Ready, Liv?"
"Yes."
The pair set out, with Fin walking close to Olivia. He wasn't crowding, merely offering both support and protection. As soon as he noticed an imperceptible shiver when a passing car drove by a bit too slowly, he wrapped an arm around the shoulders of the woman next to him.
"Don't you worry. I've got your back."
"I know you do, and I appreciate it."
The walk to the beach didn't take long at all, and aside from the one vehicle that had given Olivia pause, no one had bothered them. Finding her favorite spot in the sand a short distance from where the waves crashed on the shore, Olivia helped Fin spread out the blanket they had brought. Once they had gotten settled, she was silent for several minutes, uncertain of how or where to begin. She knew what it was she wanted to say, she just didn't know how to start. In the end, Olivia decided her best option was just to speak the words on her mind, because if she held them in any longer, she would go insane. Yes, she had spoken to Elliot about these feelings before, but she also needed Fin's input, too.
"I'm going to ask you something Fin, and I want you to be straight with me. Do you think the brass and Murphy are ever going to let me have SVU back? Or am I better off cutting my losses and putting my papers in now?"
There was no doubt about it, the question had hurt. But Fin knew he would be lying if he were to even think about admitting that the very thought hadn't crossed his mind more than once during Olivia's absence. No matter how much he tried to not pay attention to the rumor mills, he was well aware of the whispers that were circulating about the Sergeant, and if he ever found out just who had started them in the first place, then he'd need to be finding a new job, too. Speaking of which, it reminded him of another promise he needed to make.
"If anyone gives you any trouble, Liv, they're going to have to deal with me. It's not a decision you have to make now, heaven knows you have enough time accrued to be gone for more than a year before anyone could say anything. But I will tell you this – if they do try and force you out, then I'm gone, too. I meant what I said when we were walking over here. I've got your back. Then, now, and always."
There was no doubt whatsoever in Olivia's mind that Fin was being sincere. His devotion to her knew no bounds, and had been proven many times over the years, in particular once she had assumed command of the unit. As the last two original members standing of their little family under Don Cragen, they were determined to stick together come hell or high water. She wasn't able to dwell on her gratitude for long, however, before the man to her side was gently making another inquiry.
"What else is on your mind? I know there was more than one reason you wanted out of that house, and it wasn't just to give Elliot privacy. I'm aware the two of you don't keep secrets from one another, but I also know the lengths you'll go to protect him, even at the expense of your own health."
Olivia considered her next words carefully. It was true she had mentioned what was upsetting her to Elliot briefly when they had first woken up, but since the two of them had never really discussed much in detail her four days being held captive by Lewis, it was difficult to elaborate. It wasn't that she was deliberately holding back, but maybe it would be easier to talk about this with Fin instead. After all, he had been the one present when the police went to the Mayer's house. It was even Fin who had found her necklace in the trunk of the car.
"It's no secret that I've been an emotional mess. The most recent clusterfuck with Bronwyn notwithstanding, I was already out of sorts before that even happened. But the thing is, I had been expecting to fall apart to some degree, you know? As the memories came crashing in, I was anticipating to not deal with it very well, at least since this was the first year."
"That makes sense."
Olivia shook her head, trying to sort out all the jumbled up thoughts that were fighting for dominance.
"What I wasn't expecting was to wake up today with such an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I had felt it in the beginning, and even during those four days – even if I wasn't always one hundred percent aware. I think it would have been natural even if I weren't a cop, to know that I had survived and other's hadn't. But I just can't stop thinking that there was something more I should have done. If I had only pulled my gun when I heard that noise in my apartment, none of this would have ever happened."
Wrapping an arm around the shoulders of the woman next to him, Fin pulled his friend close. It broke his heart to see her second guessing herself like this, and he was well aware that this was not the first time she had dealt with these particular doubts.
"Or, if you had, he might have shot and killed you on sight. Driving yourself mad with the what-if's isn't going to change anything, Liv. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just being practical. If I could erase that monster's existence from your life, you know I'd do whatever I could to make it happen. But his actions and his crimes are not your fault, and they are not your cross to bear. You survived, and there is no reason to punish yourself for living."
Losing her battle against her tears, Olivia swiped them angrily away. She knew Fin was right, but it didn't change the intense feeling of self loathing and guilt that she was carrying right now.
"I hear you. It's explaining it to my head and heart that is the problem."
"Then I'll repeat it as often as you need. Until then, how about we just sit here? You can cry as much as you want – and I promise I won't tell a soul."
Nodding, Olivia gave herself over to the grief that was consuming her. She cried not only for herself, but for everything that had been lost along the way. For Mr. and Mrs. Mayer, for Officer Jimmy Hamilton, for Viva and Luisa, even for the nurse at the hospital and the Cole family. Lewis had left so much destruction in his wake, and she wasn't the only one to bear the burden of his memory. The only problem was, even though she couldn't get the torment out of her head, it felt wrong to stay so focused on the monster, because he wasn't worthy of being remembered.
"Not that I'm trying to rush you Liv, you know I'll sit here with you as long as you want, but it's starting to look like rain. I thought maybe we should head back. Also, Elliot should be finishing with his appointment soon, too – although that doesn't mean you shouldn't take as much time as you need for yourself."
"No, you're right. The last thing I want is to get caught in a downpour. Nothing against either of you, but I do think I might take some time to myself when we get back. Now that I've gotten the thoughts flowing a bit and they are starting to sort themselves out into some form of coherency, I want to try and do some journaling, see if I can't get them out of my head completely by writing them down."
"Of course."
Fin got to his feet, then extended a hand to help Olivia to hers. Together the two worked to fold the blanket they had been sitting on, then retraced their steps back to the cottage. Just as Fin had predicted, Elliot had already finished with his session with Lauren by the time they got back. Going directly to her partner, Olivia embraced him, holding on tight. Whispering into his ear, she informed him of her intent, receiving a nod of assurance in reply. With Olivia headed upstairs, the two men were left on their own. Elliot had dozens of questions, but he knew that Fin would never betray what had been said to him in confidence. He wouldn't have it any other way.
After sitting together for several minutes with something benign playing on the television in the background, Elliot turned to Fin. He'd had an idea on his mind since the other day that he had wanted to bring up, but he was unsure as to how to best approach the subject. Having known better than to suggest it to Olivia, who would only adamantly refuse, Elliot reasoned that Fin would be his best ally.
"Have you heard from Don at all since he's been at sea? I know he said he'd try and check in if he had a proper signal in some of the ports, but we haven't talked to him since we last saw him here."
To his credit, Fin wasn't surprised in the least by what Elliot had asked.
"I haven't, but I know what you're getting at. I didn't want to ruin his vacation either, but I thought it was only fair to give him a heads up. I sent him an email the other day filling him on the details of what has happened recently, and also confirming the fact that we have everything under control and our girl is being taken care of. The last thing Olivia would want is for him to cut his trip short for her benefit."
"My thinking exactly. I was however, wondering if perhaps a phone call might lift her spirits."
"Why do you think I sent the email in the first place? I have a feeling that once he reads that letter, Don will do anything he can to find a way to get in touch."
Sharing a conspiratorial glance, the two men nodded. They may not always agree, but when it came to Olivia, they would forever be a united front.
More than two hours had passed, and Olivia still had not returned. As much as Elliot wanted to give his partner space, he was starting to get concerned. Just as he was about to go up and check on her, the sound of footfalls could be heard on the stairs. A few seconds later, she appeared in the living room. Though it was obvious from her expression that she was still struggling, however she had spent her time alone must have been beneficial, because the woman in front of him looked as though a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Not wanting to make a big deal out of things, Elliot kept his tone casual.
"Hey, Liv. Fin will be back in a bit. I was going to order some groceries in to make some food for lunch and dinner, and he insisted on going to pick them up himself. Between you and me, I think it had more to do with wanting to get something else to eat – he didn't appear all that interested on what I had planned for lunch."
With a smile, Olivia padded over and sat beside Elliot on the couch, instinctively bringing her legs up to the side and curling into his warmth.
"Tell me more. I'm not super hungry, but my appetite is much better than it has been. I'm curious to know what you have planned."
"I figured by now you'd be sick of soup and sandwiches, then I remembered how much you love turkey burgers. I wanted to make something a bit different than what we normally have, so naturally I consulted the internet, and found a recipe for a Greek themed version. In addition to the familiar seasonings of salt, pepper, and oregano, the ground turkey mixture is enhanced with grated zucchini, red onion, garlic, crumbled feta, and a dash of lemon juice. When cooked, they are topped with some fresh Tzatziki sauce and served along side a Greek Salad."
Before Olivia could say a word, her stomach rumbled loudly. Pressing his lips to the crown of his partner's head, Elliot tried his hardest to hold back his chuckle.
"I'm guessing that's your way of telling me that you're interested."
From her spot leaning against Elliot's chest, Olivia smacked the back of her hand against his stomach.
"Hush. It's not too late in the day for me to change my mind and decide I want to spar again."
"You know I wouldn't argue with you if you did, Liv."
Feeling a sense of comfort envelop her entire being, Olivia snuggled even closer to Elliot.
"I know. Your plans for lunch sound amazing. I just have one request – I need to help today. If I don't do something to keep myself distracted, I'm going to go insane. I wouldn't dare infringe on your personal relationship with the grill, but I think I could at least make the salad."
"Sounds good to me."
The pair were quiet for several minutes before Elliot dared to speak again. He hoped he wasn't about to overwhelm Olivia, but given his idea for dinner, he thought it was only fair to give her ample warning.
"Just so you know, we'll likely be doing some prep for dinner while we're working on lunch. The last thing I want to do is give you too much to handle at once, but it would only be simple things like grating cheese so it's ready to go for later."
"At the risk of being completely inundated by food, what are your thoughts for dinner, El?"
Elliot went on to explain that he wanted to continue the same vein of surrounding Olivia with comfort food. That was how he'd come up with the plan to make a homemade macaroni and cheese. In his search to find the simplest recipe possible that didn't come from a box, he had found one that involved using a crock pot – and didn't even require that the noodles be boiled first.
"I like that idea, too. The only question is, are you going to trust me with the box grater, or are you going to try and defend my honor against an inanimate object again?"
Taking Olivia's hand in his own, Elliot brought her fingers to his mouth and placed a soft kiss on her knuckles. The tiny scrape she had sustained days before was no longer visible, but that didn't matter.
"You can handle the grating of the cheeses, but know that I'm going to be keeping my eye on the box grater. If it tries anything, it's in trouble."
Giggling, Olivia could do nothing else but agree.
"Fair enough."
Before the partners could continue their conversation any further, Fin came through the door, both arms laden with bags. Both Elliot and Olivia got up to help, ignoring any and all protests from their friend. With the three working together, the groceries were quickly sorted and put away. It also didn't take long for Olivia to find out just what Fin had selected for himself to have as a replacement lunch instead of the one Elliot had planned.
"As long as the smell of beef won't bother you, Liv, I thought maybe Elliot could throw a plain burger on the grill for me while he's cooking yours. If there is even the slightest chance that you think it will, just say so, because I also picked up some ingredients to make myself a sandwich just in case."
"That won't bother me at all Fin, but thank you for asking. I'm thinking you're going to want to use our air fryer, too? Because I'm guessing if you got yourself a burger, you probably also picked up some fries."
With a gentle tug to Olivia's ponytail, Fin gave his friend a dirty look.
"Very funny. Yes, you may be right – but I'm not the only one. Even if a little bird hadn't told me how much you love sweet potato fries, that was something I had already remembered. Although after a comment like that, I'm wondering if I should let you have them at all."
Not to be outdone, Olivia didn't hesitate to fire back a rejoinder.
"It's not as though you're going to eat them yourself."
Fin had to admit that Olivia was right. With ample room in the kitchen, the trio got to work preparing lunch. Even though he wouldn't be consuming any of it, Fin took on the task of making the Greek Salad, which freed Olivia up to to shred most of the cheeses that would be used later for dinner. For his part, Elliot was busy fixing the turkey patties. A short time later, the trio were sitting down to their afternoon meal, having followed Olivia's suggestion that they eat in the living room so they could all watch a movie together.
Although Elliot had ended up finishing the last of Olivia's fries, she had nonetheless consumed more than she had in awhile. The brunette had even commented on her fondness for the recipe her partner had found, suggesting that they add it to the rotation of things they made frequently. As an added bonus, for the first time since the anniversary of her trauma had begun, Olivia had expressed an interest in eating something sweet after a meal. With nothing immediately on hand, it was Fin who came to the rescue, having purchased some miniature ice cream sandwiches at the store.
Once the movie had reached its conclusion, Olivia started to clean up. Fin and Elliot both stood to try and help, but her insistence that she could do it on their own gave the men pause. Had it not been for Elliot remembering what his partner had said earlier about needing the distraction, he might not have let her do as much, but they really hadn't made that big of a mess. Plus, he trusted Olivia enough to know she would ask for help if she needed it.
It was after the dishes from lunch had been sorted and the three were indulging in a bit of quiet before finding something else to watch that it occurred to Olivia to ask her partner how his earlier appointment with Lauren had gone. Knowing from her own experience how difficult it could be getting comfortable with a new psychiatrist, she was sensitive to just how Elliot might be feeling.
"While it's still a bit too soon to say one way or the other, my initial impressions remain quite positive. One thing is for certain, and that is that Lauren does not put up with my bullshit, which is definitely something I need in a counselor. At the same time, she's incredibly empathetic, too. She knows just how far to push me to open up without going too far."
Before Olivia could respond to what her partner had said, her phone rang. After what had happened only just the other day, she instinctively froze, some small part of her terrified that it was yet another part of her past come back to inflict torment. But a glance at the display told her that this call was very welcome indeed. Swiping her finger across the screen, she brought the device to her ear to greet the man on the other end of the line.
"Don."
"Olivia, hello. I'm sorry I've been out of touch for as long I have, it's been harder than I thought to find a good signal out here. But we're in port for most of today, and I actually had a full set of bars, so I thought I'd give you a call and check in, especially considering the timing. How are you doing?"
While she certainly didn't doubt her former Captain's concern, or the fact that circumstances had prevented him from reaching her before now, Olivia was also well aware of just what – or perhaps who – had precipitated this particular contact. Knowing that there were two, or perhaps even three men who could be responsible for getting in touch with the man who had called her today, Olivia decided to simply ask the question point blank.
"Who was it?"
"Pardon?"
A quick glance around the room confirmed Elliot's innocence, but judging by the look on his face, he was definitely aware. Fin, on the other hand, was almost certainly guilty. As for Owen, his potential involvement remained to be seen.
"Elliot, Fin, or Owen? Which of them contacted you to let you know what was happening? You don't have to pretend that they haven't, because I'm not mad at them for it, but I'm also well aware that at least one of them did."
Don was silent for a few seconds before answering.
"That's why you were always my best Detective, Olivia. Nothing gets by you. You're right, Fin did contact me, but I'm so glad that he did. I was going to reach out even if he hadn't but -"
"Oh, I know you would have, Don. Like I said before you left, you deserved this trip. I'll admit that the past few days haven't been easy, and the latest development with Bronwyn threw me for a loop I wasn't expecting, but now that I know it will be a long time before she sees the light of day again, I'm doing a lot better."
Olivia talked to her Captain for several more minutes, and when she had finished with the conversation, she was feeling even lighter than ever. Don still had several more weeks of his cruise left at sea, but even with everything she had been struggling with personally, it made her happy to know that the man who was the closest thing she had ever had to a father was enjoying his retirement.
Getting up from her spot on the couch, Olivia walked the few steps it took her to reach where Fin was sitting in the chair. She had been speaking the truth when she had told Don that she wasn't angry with whomever it was had called him to give him the update – if anything, she was grateful. Wrapping her arms around her friend, she hugged him tightly, not giving him any chance to protest.
"Thank you."
"Of course, Liv. Like I said, I'd do anything for you."
On that note, Olivia pulled back to voice a particular request, but it seemed that Fin was already one step ahead, and had read her mind completely.
"No, I'm not going anywhere – not yet. Don't get me wrong, I'm going back to the city, but you're stuck with me until at least the day after tomorrow. I should have been here from the start. I know Stabler can take care of you, but you needed a whole system of support around you for this, and I'm not ever going to forgive myself for not being here when you needed me."
"What happened with Bronwyn wasn't your fault, Fin. You were there when it mattered, and I don't blame you for one second. No one could have known she was going to do what she did."
"It's not your fault, either, but I know that hasn't stopped you from holding yourself responsible. I'm not trying to be cruel, just stating facts. All I ask is that you don't kick me out just yet."
"Never."
An emotionally charged silence followed, until ultimately it was Elliot who cleared his throat. He had been able to intuit the restlessness his partner was feeling, and was about to make a suggestion that he hoped would help combat those nerves.
"So, Liv, I know you might not be up to tackle any giant projects, but what would you say to a smaller one?"
"I'm listening."
Elliot went on to explain about another recipe he had found earlier in the day, one for a dessert that was virtually no bake, save for a short eight minute oven time to crisp up and set a graham cracker crust.
"That sounds great. Fin, did you want to help, or would you rather just watch?"
"Actually, if neither of you mind, I think I'm going to bow out of this particular activity. I have some phone calls of my own I need to make, so I'll let the two of you have your fun, and I'll join you again in a bit."
"Sounds good."
Rather than isolate himself completely, Fin had opted to go outside to the patio to take care of his business, taking his laptop with him. As for Olivia and Elliot, the partners headed into the kitchen. While the latter dug into the refrigerator and pantry to pull out all the necessary ingredients, Olivia made herself familiar with the recipe. Apparently, what Elliot wanted to make was something called Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake Delight. It was comprised of a simple chocolate graham cracker crust, a no bake cheesecake filling, and canned raspberry pie filling as the topping. Compared to other things they'd made, it was rather simple, but exactly the kind of thing that Olivia needed today – just enough to engage her interest and provide a distraction, but nothing requiring too much brain power.
As it turned out, Elliot had another plan up his sleeve as well. Rather than use the food processor to crush the graham crackers into crumbs, he had placed them into a sealed plastic bag and situated it onto the counter. Arming Olivia with a rolling pin, he allowed her to take out any additional frustrations that were still in her system by smashing the squares to bits. After the crumbs were dumped into a bowl and mixed with butter and sugar, they were then pressed into the square baking pan that Elliot had ready and waiting.
While the crust was baking, the partners got to work making the cheesecake layer. Elliot designated himself in charge of softening the cream cheese in the microwave then incorporating it with some powdered sugar and a splash of vanilla. In the meantime, Olivia was busy beating some heavy whipping cream so it would be ready to fold into the cream cheese mixture. Since the crust still had to cool, they put the finished cheesecake filling in the fridge to keep until it was ready.
A little over an hour later, the dessert was complete. Olivia was about ready to go and sit back down again, but Elliot was wanting to get dinner started in the crock pot, as it had to cook for two hours. At his partner's look of panic, he reminded the woman next to him that it didn't necessarily mean they had to eat then, but he wanted to have it prepared, so whenever they did get hungry later, the meal would be
ready for them.
"That makes sense, El. Did you need any help?"
"Always."
Working together, the partners had their future dinner assembled in mere minutes. After taking care of what few dishes remained from both the dessert and getting the macaroni and cheese started, Elliot grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and went to join Olivia in the living room.
Once they had relocated to the living room after finishing their dessert project and getting dinner started in the crock pot, Olivia and Elliot had expected Fin to join them again shortly. When even more time passed and the other man had not yet reappeared, it became obvious that he was purposely keeping himself out of sight to allow them some personal space. Torn between going out to the patio and insisting her friend come back into the cottage, or enjoying a few moments of quiet alone with her partner, Olivia selfishly opted for the latter. While there was no doubt that her mood had improved slightly, she was still struggling a bit, and Elliot's proximity – along with the scent of his cologne – was going a long way in helping her decompress.
Even though Olivia had thought she was doing better, the more the day wore on, the more the guilt she had woken up with crept back into the recesses of her mind. Talking with Fin on the beach had helped, as had the outpouring of scribbles she had written down in her journal during the few hours she had isolated herself upstairs. Somehow, it still wasn't enough. What she was feeling wasn't drastic or emergent enough to warrant a call to Lydia, but it certainly would require a more in depth heart to heart with Elliot later. She was also toying with the idea as letting her partner read some of what she had written. It might be easier than saying the words out loud.
In the meantime, Olivia was just going to try to keep the more intrusive thoughts out of her mind. Maybe that wasn't the wisest idea, as denial had never worked to her advantage in the past, but she wasn't exactly ignoring their presence. Rather, she was relying on the coping mechanisms she had been taught so that she didn't become inundated by too much all at once. Despite the tumult she had already endured, it was tomorrow that she feared the most, and how she would cope with the onslaught of memories of what she had been forced to do in order to save herself – including how far she had allowed her rage to take her in the aftermath. Thankfully, another session with Lydia was already scheduled, and both Elliot and Fin would be on stand by, so Olivia knew she wouldn't have to face it alone.
"Liv?"
Torn between a brief flicker of annoyance and relief, Olivia turned to face her partner. She should have known that Elliot would have been able to pick up on her unease. In truth, she wasn't upset with him, more her own mind. With all the progress she'd made in therapy and with healing, she'd yet to learn the art of giving herself a little grace.
"Yeah, El. I'm with you. I think."
"I'm not going to pressure you, but you know if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you, right?"
Resting her head on Elliot's shoulder, Olivia wrapped her arm around his midsection, snuggling in closer.
"I know. And I love you for it. I do want to talk to you, and I promise I will, I think I'm just sorting things out so they make sense."
"I understand. If you want, we can always head upstairs early tonight, set some extra time aside for just you and me. Not that there isn't a part of the day when you don't have my undivided attention, but -"
"I get what you're saying. Yes, I'd like that very much."
Until they reached that point, however, Olivia would need something to keep her occupied. While there was no denying it had helped her greatly to get out of the house earlier in the day with Fin, she was in no mood to do that again. She also didn't think she had the attention span to be able to handle watching anything – at least not right now. Instead, she had another idea in mind. Olivia wasn't exactly sure if she'd be able to focus on something complicated, but she was certain she could manage a simple game of cards. Plus, there was the hope that a little healthy competition might be just the thing she needed to lift her spirits.
Not wanting anything too rudimentary, the partners opted for playing a few hands of gin rummy, having set a goal of the winner being whomever would reach two hundred and fifty points first. Much to Olivia's surprise – and relief – Elliot offered to keep score. The time passed quickly, and the brunette had no sooner secured her victory when the sound of the door in the kitchen could be heard. Fin appeared mere moments later, a look of amusement at what he had walked in on evident on his features.
"You mean to tell me I missed the chance to see Benson kicking Stabler's ass at cards? If I'd known this was happening, I'd have been in a lot sooner."
With a soft laugh, Olivia was first to reply.
"We can always play another round later. You can even join in if you want. Maybe I'll even be up to something a bit more challenging, like some poker. I don't know if I'll want to bet money, but I'm sure we can find something to use as collateral."
"Now you're talking."
With that statement, Fin excused himself briefly to take his things upstairs. Elliot also stood, but only because enough time had passed, and he needed to stir the macaroni in the crock pot as it was halfway through the cooking process. As for Olivia, she took it upon herself to find something they could all watch together, and began searching for a movie that would appeal to all three of their interests. When a pleasant smell reached her nose, she inhaled deeply, and knew without question that she was breathing in the aroma of what would be their dinner.
"That smells great, El."
"Thanks. I only hope it tastes just as good."
Her partner joined her again on the couch, and before Olivia had a chance to reassure him, Fin was back, too. The latter was headed into the kitchen, presumably to get himself something to snack on – an offer that the other two politely declined.
"So, what did you find for us, Liv?"
"Well, we've already done the buddy cop films, and I'm not in the mood to hear either of you complain, so I know better than to choose a romantic comedy – although you're both aware that isn't really my style either. Instead, I found a mystery that looks pretty interesting, but still promises to have some funny elements to it."
Pressing a kiss to Olivia's temple, Elliot wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.
"Sounds good. I'll just need to get up in about an hour or so and switch the crock pot over to the warm setting, but other than that I have no other plans."
Popping a pretzel into his mouth, Fin shrugged his shoulders.
"Don't look at me. I'm not going anywhere, either."
Elliot had held true to his word, getting up in one hour's time to switch the settings. Since no one was ready to eat yet, he simply returned to his seat, bringing with him a bottle of water for Olivia. Then, the trio settled back in to finish watching their movie, which they had all enjoyed more than they were each willing to admit. By that point, Olivia was starting to get to the stage where she thought she might be ready to eat something again, she just didn't want to be the first to speak the idea out loud. It wasn't that she was ashamed of her hunger, more so that her senses and emotions had been in such a tailspin the past few days that she didn't quite trust them. At the same time, she wasn't sure if she wanted to wait for Fin or Elliot to make the suggestion, either. As it turned out, none of that needed to happen, since it was ultimately her stomach who gave her away by rumbling noisily.
Thankfully, while there were a few soft chuckles, neither of the men in the room laughed outright – not that Olivia expected them to. She didn't even necessarily feel any embarrassment, as she had long since grown accustomed to the way her traitorous body ratted her out these days before she was able to voice her own wants and needs, in particular those related to hunger. Still, the brunette was determined to have the last word.
"I don't want to hear it – not from either of you. However, I am willing to help out in terms of preparing the rest of dinner. I don't know what all you have planned to go with the mac, El, but I was thinking of tossing together a salad."
"Sounds good to me. I'm not sure if Fin will appreciate that, especially considering the fact that he seems to be allergic to vegetables, but I know you enjoy having some with each meal. Truth be told, I hadn't given it too much thought beyond the idea of just a good old fashioned bowl of comfort food."
Rolling her eyes, Olivia jokingly muttered the word 'men' under her breath, which earned her a laugh. Getting to her feet, she padded into the kitchen to start work on the salad. Even if she ended up being the only one eating any, she was determined to at least have some greens on her plate. Not that she had anything against comfort food – the heartiness of the macaroni and cheese that Elliot had mentioned had appealed to her interests immediately, but she needed something to balance out all that richness.
With her head in the fridge pulling ingredients out of the crisper drawer, Olivia heard footsteps approaching, and knew that Elliot had followed behind her. Fin likely wouldn't be too far behind, either. Carrying the vegetables in her arms over to the center island, Olivia set herself up a station so she could get to work, thanking her friend when he soon placed a bowl in front of her.
"You know me, Liv. Salad's not my thing, but I'm willing to help you make one. What do you need me to do?"
By putting Fin to work with the task of quartering the grape tomatoes, Olivia was able to focus her energy on slicing cucumber. Thankfully the pre-packaged salad that she and Elliot went through several bags of on a weekly basis already contained a mix of lettuce, carrots, radishes, and red cabbage, so it just needed a few extra things added to it.
For his part, Elliot had preheated the toaster oven, not wanting to use the larger main appliance. He seemed to be working simultaneously on two chores at once - both in making a breadcrumb topping to sprinkle on top of their macaroni bowls, as well as slicing a fresh baguette to warm and spread with butter to serve with their meal.
"Hey, Liv? Where did you want to eat tonight? In the living room, or at the table?"
Considering the question carefully, Olivia elected for the table. Each location had its pros and cons, in particular as to what mood she was in. Tonight, she wanted to feel more civilized, and while dinner would be anything but a formal affair, she wanted to enjoy her food while sitting in a chair like a normal person.
Ten short minutes later, the trio were seated together, passing plates around to one another. Olivia wasn't surprised at all when the macaroni and cheese surpassed her expectations and tasted even better than it had smelled when it was cooking, and she couldn't deny that it was exactly what Elliot had claimed it to be – comfort food. Still, she couldn't bring herself to eat more than one small serving, no matter how much she enjoyed the taste. But as her partner always reminded her, it wasn't about quantity. Even with the struggle of the past few days, her relationship with food continued to remain within healthy levels. So much so, that she might be able to discontinue the appetite stimulant altogether the next time she saw Rene. Currently, her dose was only at half a tablet – which she had been downing with the the help of a spoonful of yogurt the past few days – and that had been maintained merely to help her get through the anniversary without having to worry about a possible backslide into older and more dangerous habits.
Not even realizing that she had finished nearly all the food on her plate, save for a small crust of bread, Olivia wasn't even aware that she was fiddling absently with the remains of the carbohydrate until Elliot called her out on it.
"Are you done eating, Liv?"
Cursing her startle response for what felt like the umpteenth time that week, Olivia glanced to her left to find her partner standing by her side, most of the plates from dinner already in his hands. He was was reaching for the one in front of her, too, but clearly didn't want to take it away until he knew for certain that she was finished.
"Yes, sorry."
"No worries. I'm guessing you're going to want to wait until a bit later before we have dessert?"
"You know me too well."
Before she could offer to help with cleanup, Olivia's phone chimed with an incoming message. Though she couldn't help the way her body involuntarily tensed, a glance at the clock told her who the likely sender was. While he hadn't called, Owen had been reaching out every day, and this was the usual time when he liked to check in. There was no question that Olivia was grateful for the space that her friend had given her, but she also had missed him, too. That was why, when she saw that the neighbor was inquiring if she might potentially be up for a cooking lesson for two days after tomorrow – with the offer of just providing company should she change her mind – she was quick to agree.
Across the table, Fin was busy with his own phone, and there was something about the level of secrecy he was up to that raised Olivia's suspicions. Easily dismissing that whatever the man was up to could not have anything to do with Bronwyn, as he'd never keep a secret from her, she quickly determined that instead, he must have some other sort of trick up his sleeve. Deciding to try and call him out on it, Olivia opted for a point-blank approach.
"Something interesting on that screen, Fin?"
"Just checking out details for a potential rental car when I do head back to the city."
As far as excuses went, it was a pretty flimsy one, and everyone in the room knew it. But, if that was what he wanted to use, Olivia was willing to let it go for now. Still, she wouldn't be surprised if somehow another mysterious visitor turned up on her doorstep in a day or two, because she had a feeling that it wasn't a rental car that Fin was arranging – even if he had indeed found himself a ride.
Opting for a change of subject, which was likely the best choice for all involved, Olivia decided to introduce an activity that would certainly keep them occupied for the better part of the evening. Not to mention, it would provide some much needed entertainment. Having stumbled across a stash of Don's favorite red licorice candy – only this time in bite size version, the brunette reasoned that this would make the perfect 'chips' to use as their stakes in their poker game. All she'd need to do is replace the stolen sweets before her former Captain noticed they were missing.
Tossing the bag onto the table, along with the deck of cards she and Elliot had been using earlier in the afternoon, Olivia regarded both of the men with a mischievous glint in her eye and a raised eyebrow.
"So – who's ready to lose a game of poker to me?"
Even with her limited attention span, Olivia proved herself to be a formidable opponent. Likewise, Elliot was quite the card shark himself, and even Fin had given the partners a run for their money- or in this particular case- red licorice bites. Their collective experience as detectives had gifted each of them with the ability to have a decent poker face, and made it difficult to tell who had a winning hand, or who was simply bluffing. At the same time, knowing that the game was not a high-stakes one allowed for a lighthearted environment, and laughter ensued frequently. Just after Olivia was declared the winner, a food fight of sorts broke out between the trio sitting at the table, as they all began lobbing candy at one another.
In the end, it was Fin who insisted on handling the cleanup, while Elliot declared they had all earned some well deserved dessert. Olivia couldn't help but agree, her stomach no longer feeling stuffed from the dinner she had eaten earlier. Plus, she had remembered what her partner had said about heading upstairs early tonight, and taken the suggestion to heart. In the back of her mind, the idea was there to perhaps watch another episode or two of something with Fin and Elliot, then call it a night – or at least, retreat to the quiet comfort of her bedroom sanctuary.
The distraction of something sweet was exactly what Olivia had needed. For as simple as the dessert had been to make, it more than made up for it with its flavor, and even Fin found himself enjoying a portion. As the small group indulged in their evening snack, they passed the time watching one of Olivia and Elliot's other favorite travel shows on the television. For all his teasing complaints, Fin was actually interested in the premise as well, even though he often proclaimed he had no desire to ever go too far from the city – and definitely not outside the States.
Eventually, the shows came to an end, and Olivia could delay the inevitable no longer. Actually, that wasn't entirely true – there was no rule or law stating she had to go upstairs right now. Elliot certainly wasn't going to force her. But, if she had any hope at all of calming her riotous brain and getting any semblance of sleep tonight, she needed to start the unwinding process now. The only difficult part would be voicing the request that had been lingering in the back of her mind all day. Where she had been brave before, now her hesitation was getting the better of her. Thankfully, as always, Elliot's intuition was her saving grace.
"Hey, Liv? Did you want me to join you? I know you probably have some things to do before you're completely ready to settle in for the night, but I thought you might appreciate some company."
"That would be great."
As though the partners knew instinctively that Fin wasn't headed to bed anytime in the near future – even though danger had never come anywhere near the cottage, he had often made it a habit to keep watch later into the night – Elliot and Olivia both told their friend they would see him the following morning, then ascended the stairs together. For the time being, Olivia had declined her cup of tea, but had received a promise that Elliot would return to get her one should she change her mind.
Once in the safety of the master bedroom, Olivia closed the door and turned to face her partner, opting to stare at a fixed spot at the center of his chest as opposed to making direct eye contact. Gnawing on her lower lip, she tried to work up the courage to ask for what it was she wanted most. It wasn't that she was afraid of rejection – more that Elliot would accept, and even though there was nothing inappropriate about what she was suggesting, that it might serve as a catalyst to nudge their burgeoning relationship forward.
Before she had a chance to say anything, however, it was Elliot who stepped forward, taking her hands in his own. Squeezing her fingers softly, he gently implored her to look at him, a gesture that Olivia found impossible to deny.
"Liv, something's been on your mind all night, I can tell. You know I'd never force you to talk about anything you didn't want to, but is there anything you need to tell me? Have I done something to upset you?"
"El, no. I didn't mean to give you that impression, I've just been lost in my head for some time – most of the day actually – and for the last several hours was trying to figure out how to ask you something."
Letting go of one of only one of Olivia's hands, Elliot shifted ever so slightly to cup his palm against her cheek.
"You can ask me anything. I hope you know that."
"I do. It wasn't you that I was afraid of, it was me."
Elliot fell silent then, giving Olivia the time and space she needed to process and sort through her conflicting thoughts and emotions. When she next spoke, there was only a hint of a waver in her voice.
"Would you take a bath with me tonight? I don't mean in the traditional sense, although I do eventually want to be able to show you my scars, it's just -"
"Easy, Liv. I know what you mean. And of course I will. Also, I want to stress to you that you are under no obligation to show me anything before you are ready. In the meantime, why don't you change into the swimsuit you wore the other day at the gym, and I'll go put on my trunks? That way, we can still enjoy the bath, but neither one of us will feel like we are under any pressure."
With a relieved smile, Olivia nodded her agreement. Pressing a kiss to his partner's forehead, Elliot left her with a few moments of privacy to change while he did the same. He promised to return shortly, but only after getting confirmation as to whether or not she would need him to keep a shirt on as well. When Olivia insisted that wasn't necessary, Elliot headed across the hall.
By the time Elliot returned, he found his partner in the bathroom, the taps already started. In addition, Olivia was fussing about the room fixing it up the way she preferred, adjusting the lighting and the music. Unlike the previous occasion where had physically joined Olivia in the bath after her emotional breakdown on the beach during the rainstorm, Elliot had been able to plan ahead this time, and had brought in some additional clothes to change into after.
"How did you want to do this, Liv?"
"Maybe how we did last time? With you sitting behind me? I know I'm covered and you can't see anything, but I think I would feel more comfortable that way."
"Then that's what we'll do."
It took a few minutes to get situated, but the one thing that Olivia never felt during that time as she prepared to a share a bath with her partner was awkward. There was nothing but a complete sense of safety and trust. Even with all the unrest going on in her mind as the final part of her four day anniversary loomed the following morning, she knew nothing would happen to her in Elliot's presence. If anything, this enhanced and more intimate environment was making it easier for her to open up about things she had been keeping concealed for the better part of the day.
In the relative darkness of the bathroom, save for the soft glow coming only from the flameless candles, Olivia leaned back against her partner's broad chest and concentrated on the way she could feel his heart beating just beneath her shoulder blade. Knowing she needed to speak up, or else risk becoming haunted by the thoughts and images trapped in her mind during her dreams, she spoke aloud.
"El?"
"Yeah, Liv?"
"I know we haven't really talked about it, but I want to apologize to you for not being the one to tell you in person about what happened. I never really considered what it must have been like for you to have to read the case files like I was just another random stranger, and not someone you cared about. It wasn't fair of me, but I didn't know how to say the words back then."
"You don't owe me any kind of apology for that, Olivia. It was your story to tell, however you saw fit. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we're communicating more openly now, but I will never fault you for the way you went about it."
Olivia exhaled a sigh of relief, then took a moment to steady herself before moving forward. While there was no doubt the memories from those four days – the last one in particular – where very fresh and raw in her mind right now given everything that was currently happening, she wasn't exactly sure what her partner could recall from what he had read. This was the delicate topic she wanted to delve into, especially as she was getting ready to navigate the final twenty four hours and what would come with it.
"Tell me, what do you remember about what you read? About how I got free from William Lewis? It's something I need to know, but could never bring myself to ask, because I was always afraid you would hate me for it."
Silence reigned for several seconds after Olivia's question and subsequent statement, but it wasn't an uncomfortable one. While there was no doubt the atmosphere was somewhat heavy, it was more to do with the subject matter, and not any tension between the two partners. Any uneasiness Olivia had previously been feeling before voicing her concerns evaporated, as she knew Elliot was merely giving her words careful consideration before answering, and was not avoiding or ignoring the matter at all – not that she had ever once imagined that he would.
Despite her own internal conflict, the more logical side of Olivia's brain argued that there was no way her partner would ever judge her for her actions against the monster who had held her captive for so many days. However, self doubt was a powerful beast in an of itself, and during these difficult days that commemorated the memory of the traumatic ordeal for the first time ever, it was easy to get lost in the what-ifs and become convinced those who had argued she had used excessive force and abused her authority as a police officer were in fact correct. If Olivia couldn't find the strength to forgive what she had done, maybe help from a man who had walked by her side for over a decade and knew her better than she knew herself would be just the thing to help sway her in the right direction.
"Liv, no. One, there is nothing you could do to make me hate you – unlike the way I've treated you, which is beside the point, because this isn't about me right now."
Knowing there was still more her partner wanted to say Olivia remained silent, but placed her hand over Elliot's on the edge of the tub and squeezed gently to let him know she was listening.
"If I'm being honest, the predominant feeling I had when I learned that you had gotten free from that monster and managed to subdue him was relief. Even though I already knew by the point that you had indeed survived, reading the detailed account of your ordeal was like experiencing it in real time, and it wasn't until I learned about your escape that I could breathe easier."
Elliot paused briefly in an effort to keep his emotions under control, then continued.
"After relief, the next thing I felt was rage – but it wasn't at you, never at you. You should never have been put in a position to have to take things to such an extreme in the first place, let alone been forced to face such preposterous allegations that you used excessive force. Anyone who argued otherwise should be ashamed of themselves. In that moment, you were not a Detective, merely a woman trying to survive – that was the only thing that mattered. What you do for a living should not have even been considered."
Olivia held back a sob. It wasn't that she had never felt validated before, but somehow hearing those words from her partner just resonated differently than all the times people had tried to tell her before.
"Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me for that, Liv. I'll tell you as often as you need to hear it. I'll also remind you of this, though it may be more difficult to hear – there is nothing that you did during those four days that you need to feel guilty for. None of what happened is your responsibility. I understand knowing that to be true and convincing yourself of it are two entirely different things, so that will just be something else I'll be here to tell you as much as you need."
Twin tears slipped from each of Olivia's eyes, tracking their way down her cheeks. She had thought that would be the end of it, but the floodgates had been opened, and she continued to cry silently as she attempted to let go of the guilt that had held her captive for so long. As far as exorcising internal demons went, she knew she still had a lot more to purge from her soul, but little by little, she was making progress. It had started that day on the beach during the thunderstorm, and even more when Elliot had prompted her to partake in that first sparring session. The more she continued to work with Lydia, the more she opened up and allowed herself to heal.
Though he hadn't said anything about it, it became obvious to Olivia that Elliot was aware of the fact that she was crying. She wasn't ashamed of her tears – not by a longshot – and if anything, felt even more secure when he changed the position of their hands to allow her to cling even more tightly to him as a means of offering silent support. Everything that had needed to be said for now had already been spoken, and even though Olivia was still feeling a sense of trepidation about the following day, the weight that had been on her shoulders was considerably lighter.
After a time, the water began to cool, and all the bubbles had disappeared. Though Olivia didn't want to get out, she knew she couldn't avoid the prospect of sleep forever. Before she could address how she and her partner would deal with how to go about the process of changing, it was Elliot who came to her rescue yet again.
"Why don't you let me get out of the tub first, Liv? If you are comfortable with closing your eyes for a few seconds, and don't mind if I change real quick with you in the same room, then I can help you out, then give you some privacy. While you're getting ready for bed, I can head downstairs and make you a cup of hot tea."
"That sounds good, but I also have an idea. Why don't you help me stand, and we'll let the water drain? Then we can draw the shower curtain, and I can dry off in here while you're getting changed. It will save us both some time."
Giving Olivia's hand another squeeze, Elliot pressed a kiss to the back of her head through her hair.
"You always were the smarter one between the two of us."
Laughing softly, the brunette couldn't help but agree. After such a heavy conversation, she was more than grateful that her partner had introduced a bit of levity. Pulling the plug to allow the water to drain, she waited until Elliot had stood, then allowed him to help her to her feet as well. Murmuring her thanks when her partner passed her a towel, she waited until he had exited the tub to stand on the bath mat before drawing the opaque shower curtain around her surroundings.
"Don't rush on my account, El."
Properly called out – because he had intended on doing just that very thing – Elliot insisted that he wouldn't. At the same time, he didn't dawdle, either, and it was only after he draped his placed his wet trunks in the sink and hung up his towel, that he confirmed Olivia would be wanting her customary blend of chamomile and mint tea to drink. Promising to return as soon as he possibly could, her assured his partner that the privacy of the bathroom was all hers, and left her to change in peace.
Once she had completed her nighttime routine, Olivia made sure both of their suits were draped over the edge of the tub to properly dry. Dressed in her pajamas, she padded into the bedroom, to find Elliot already waiting for her, and a steaming cup of tea on her bedside table.
"I wasn't sure if you would be wanting to watch something tonight or not, so I didn't know if I should turn the TV on or not."
"I think I could use some mindless entertainment to help me settle. But first, there is one more thing I wanted to ask you."
"Of course."
Taking a sip of her tea, Olivia faced the man sitting next to her.
"I'm not sure when exactly I'll be ready, but at some point, I think I'd like it if you would read my journal. I only realized the other day that its you I've been writing to when I make the entries. But I won't force you, so if its not something you're comfortable with -"
"Liv, stop. Of course I'll read it, but only if that is something you want. What you write in your journal is private, and I absolutely respect that. Even if you're saying that you've writing to me, that doesn't necessarily mean I have to read it. It just may mean that by pretending you're talking to me may be making it easier for you to open up. It's not something you have to decide now. But if you do, know that I would be honored to have the privilege."
Olivia rested her head on Elliot's shoulder, and wrapped an arm around his waist. She may not have forgiven herself entirely – not yet, but she was almost through this first hellish anniversary, and there was something to be said for that. Absolution wasn't something that was granted immediately, especially when you were seeking it for yourself. But, she was a lot closer than she had ever been before, and that had to count for something.