Across the known Universe called the Elemental Nations, many strange and weird occurrences were known to have happened.
One of these was that an entire war was ended by what is essentially a consciences objector, aka, Naruto who never officially killed anyone, but simply kicked the ass of everyone in his way, turned that guy/girl into his friend, got on with life, rinse and repeat.
What was currently happening in Konoha however was taking the cake in weirdness.
"So, you are me, just from some other Universe?" Naruto said, looking at the blond, girl with the same eyes and whisker marks on her face as he has.
"Pretty much, yeah, unless this is some sort of strange Fanfiction where I was joinked out of my life as a university professor and put into a world with some sort technological inconsistencies, such as having video conference capabilities, running electricity, but don't know what a car is, what a phone is, or even what an electronic loudspeaker is…" Naruko answered, scratching the back of her head. "What, next you say that the me…the me in this universe, i.e. you, has some form of demonic entity possessing a part of your psyche that used to be all grumpy asshole who has numerous tails worth not giving a shit, up until you in your stubbornness manage to worm your way into his heart? Oh, yes, right. That is you to a T."
"Are you sure you are from another world, and not Naruto's Sexy Jutsu 3.0?" Tsunade asked.
"I have a PhD in Philosophy, Foreign Languages, Maths and History. From what you told me about this world, this moron here…" Naruko pointed a thumb at her male counterpart, "failed those particular subjects, amongst others, in what essentially counts as a Primary school in my home."
"Perhaps I wouldn't have failed if there were people who actually taught me…" Naruto grumbled.
"You also apparently failed the classes that this Iruka fellow taught you." Naruko commented, seeing him wince whilst Sakura giggled into her hands.
"Anyway, so, allow me to just recap what you have told me." Naruko took a deep breath. "You graduated because you managed to defeat a traitor, who apparently had his hands full with just one of you, by causing several hundred of you to appear, sending him into a major panic because he had to contend with several hundred of you. After that, you got involved into a love square between you, Mrs. Bubblegum next to you, some brooding Emo who is out on a world tour, and trouble? I mean, according to you, you were chasing her tail, she was chasing the emo's, the emo was up to no good or trouble as we call it, and trouble was chasing you like an old friend."
The shinobi stared at her. "Do you even need to breath?" Shikamaru asked.
"And you sound like a grandma." Kiba added.
"I am only 18, thank you very much, you unsophisticated primitive." Naruko snapped at Kiba, who along with Akamaru whined in fear as Naruko released some serious Alpha vibes. "Anyway, moving on, on your first major mission, you decided to continue the mission, despite the changed parameters demanding a reclassification of the mission, despite not knowing how to properly throw a punch…Seriously, what is it with kids these days and them thinking they can do anything? After returning from that mission, which you somehow survived and discovered the Trap Genre with this Haku fella, you went on to participate in yet another life-or-death scenario where you are thrown into a forest where everything will try to kill you…and just so happens to be rather easy to infiltrate if someone were to wear a face mask."
"Sheesh, Orochimaru is not just anyone…" Sakura said.
"You claim the dude smelled of snakes. Why not have several sniffer dogs trained to smell those vermin?" Naruko asked. "Anyway, you three survive the forest by the skin of your teeth, have to battle other wannabe's in 1 on 1 fights...during which Sakura and her rival showed just how pointless fangirls are, Naruto won because of pure luck for eating backed beans or fried Onions that morning…or fermented mackerel, and Sasuke has no control over himself. How is this city still in one piece if the current generation is this problematic?" Naruko asked Tsunade. "What, with a horndog, a boy with a bug problem, a mouse, a lazy smartass, a fangirl who can't keep secrets due to her gossip queendom, a fa…a rotund boulder, and the dumb me and his super problematic team?"
"You're asking me?" she answered. "I need to keep drinking in order to survive the chaos."
"Ah, makes sense. May I have some more Sake? That is some good shit you have there. Anyway, your teacher dumps you to train the emo, making him officially the worst type of teacher imaginable. You are then involved in an invasion, fight off a racoon dog made of sand with a toad…you do know that racoons dog eat toads? WTF was your logic in, what, summoning a toad to fight an omnivore?" Naruko continued her ever more rant like recap. "Next, you and your super perverted Godfather, the biggest lecher in the history of your home town (or this world), go and find Grandma over there, who is so vain about her youth that she must be quite the hag once her transformation drops…" a crunching noise was heard as Tsunade turned the Sake bottle into dust in her grip. "That's some serious grip strength you got there. Anyway, you win a bet with her, despite nearly dying, again, she heals up a bunch of people, becomes the leader of the town and immediately begins hating her job because of all the paperwork…you do realise that you could cut down on work time and increase leisure time if you took a leaf out of Naruto's page and used those clones he is so fond of, right? Or is everyone here so stacked in some form or another that they cannot look underneath the underneath?"
Naruko didn't notice their blank stares and continued to rant.
"Then you left for 3 years to train, during which time you learn the basic skills you should have been taught by your teacher in the first place, but nooo~. Kakashi was a lazy asshole who played favourites, read inappropriate books in the presence of minors, was chronically late to everything, only got serious when he felt like it and didn't care about actually preparing his team, even though he had the right to resort to draconian means. Something like that would have him get his teaching rights revoked back home in Japan." Kakashi simply flipped a leaf in his little green booklet. "Anyway, you return after 3 years, just in time to go and save your friend out in the desert, after which shit hit the fan and you never get to have a single day of rest for the next year as you get into more and more trouble, culminating in a war that is essentially because of some douchebag got dumped and had a rage boner because he was self-entitled. He in turn was killed by your ancient grandma, who on top of being a prude, in desperate need to get laid, has an ego that makes this Sasuke guy's look small in comparison, is capable of spamming bullshit everywhere, and has a white fetish because everything about her is white. Oh, and she's probably the only enemy you have ever defeated that didn't turn into your buddy. Have I missed anything?"
Everyone was silent for a moment. Then…
"No, I believe that you pretty much have it all covered." Sakura admitted.
"Ok, cool. Then, I have a few more questions, if you don't mind." Naruko said with a disarming smile.
"Shoot." Naruto answered.
"Why the fuck are you still single?" Naruko asked. "I mean, sure, my own standards are just too high and I have very little time for a social life, but you, baka, are not a multi-PhD lecturer. You spoke about several girls who clearly had a thing for you."
"What do you mean?" Naruto asked, looking confused. "I don't…"
"First there is that actress from Spring…uhm, can't remember her name. Then there is that priestess from this land of demons you spoke about, who asked you to help her repopulate her family, something you agreed to, you dense dumbass!" Naruto gulped as he felt the stares coming at him from all directions. "Next there is that leader/lady/whatever from the land of vegies, your own fucking Fanclub here in this town, and lastely the aforementioned mouse who thinks she has been sneaky when shooting you longing glances out of the corners of her eyes."
A small 'eep' erupted from Hinata, who was hiding her scarlet face in her hands, much to everyone's (minus Naruto) amusement.
"Seriously, out of all the females here, she seems like she fits you the most. Tell you what. I challenge you to a staring contest. Loser needs to fulfil a minor task from the winner." Naruko challenged her counterpart.
"Uhm…sure…" Naruto said uneasily.
5 seconds into the stare-off…
"Sasuke is gay, you know…" Naruko said, making Naruto, and Sakura, blink in confusion.
"Say what?" he asked.
"I win. Now go and take Hinata out on a fucking date already, you unsophisticated barbarian…and no fucking Ramen stand…take her to a restaurant or a picnic for gods sake." Naruko cheered.