Sans Tells A Tale

Written for The Monthly Prompt Bank 2024
January prompt: characters writing fanfiction about you, the author

Flowey was bored, tremendously bored. He was so bored that he'd been lurking outside the lab, listening to Alphys fangirl over her lastest anime character that she had a crush on. She was saying something about it being an inspiration for her latest fanfiction, which gave Flowey an idea. He'd experienced countless resets, too many to keep track of. But up until now, he'd never tried writing fanfiction before. He started thinking that maybe he could give it a try. But what to write about?

He wasn't interested in things like anime and manga. Pretty much the only thing he enjoyed nowadays was killing people and watching them suffer. That was much more fun when real people were involved, but ever since Sans made friends with that girl who wandered into the Underground, it was practically impossible to go on his usual killing sprees. There was no more genocide, pain and suffering, or anything else he considered fun.

Desperate for some form of carnage, Flowey sent his trailing vines in through the window at Alphys' lab and snatched a couple pens and a notebook. If he couldn't kill this girl in real life, he could at least fantasize about it in the world of fiction. Now, what was her name?

Flowey rubbed his chin with a leaf, thinking back on the many conversations he'd overheard. He remembered that she called herself Dragon. Yes, that was it. He curled one of his vines around a pen and began writing.

One day, I wokie up and found that wretched woman had gotten sick from eating those fermented meat sacks the smiling trash bag likes to cook. Food poisoning is what they called it. But it wasn't enough. I decided to commit buttercup salad by offerig her a bowl of healing herbs. An herbal remedy, I told her. After all, who knows more about plants than an actual flower? She ate it like the idiot she is and then she died AanD died Again! When I reset she DIED AND VOMITED All over HERself and died in agonY with twisting pains and horrible seizures and diarrhea all over the dAmn place. Ans she screammed but nobody came.

Flowey paused, looked down at his horribly misspelled fanfiction, and burst out laughing. The sound of his insane laughter carried across Hotland until it eventually reached Sans, who was asleep at his post as usual. The skeleton snorted, lifting his hood and looking out from underneath the layer of fabric. It sounded like Flowey was enjoying himself, which never meant anything good.

Grunting with exertion, Sans made a show of getting to his feet as though he were dragging a forty pound weight through six feet of wet cement. Much effort, very lazy. But he couldn't sit there while Flowey was cackling like a mad man. A dim glow lit his eye socket, shining pale blue against the scarlet flames and seething magma. In a flash, he teleported out to Flowey's location, ready to slam dunk that annoying weed into the dirt if necessary.

Flowey let out a yelp of surprise when Sans materialized in front of him, his fanfiction scattering in all directions as he attempted to hide the notebook behind his stem. He cursed the cheap writing materials that Alphys had bought, which seemed to amuse the skeleton. Sans tilted his head a fraction, patiently watching while Flowey had a breakdown.

"whatcha got there, sprout?" Sans questioned, glaring at the tiny flower.

"None of your business!" Flowey screeched.

"right." Without a moment of hesitation, the skeleton put his hand on Flowey's head, shoving his face in the scorching earth while reaching over and swiping the pages that had fallen from the notebook. "sorry to soil your plans. just a little curious is all."

He chuckled at the sound of Flowey's muffled screams, until he looked at the scattered pages and saw what the flower had been writing. The light faded from his eye sockets. This wasn't amusing at all. With a flick of his wrist, he sent the stolen writing materials into the lava.

"buttercup salad?" Sans drawled. "really?" He took a step back, hearing Flowey gasp for breath as he lifted his head from the dirt. "you know, papyrus has been telling me that i should eat healthier. maybe a nice salad with ketchup dressing. and since you're the only bit of green i see around here - "

In a desperate attempt to appear more threatening, the flower raised himself up to his full height of seven inches, hissing menacingly at the skeleton before vanishing into the dirt.

Sans shrugged. "then again, i suppose chicken salad works too."

.oOo.

When he returned to his home in Snowdin, Sans flopped down onto the sofa and kicked off his slippers. He was about to settle in for a nice, long nap when Flowey's fanfiction came drifting back to him. It was so vile and disturbing. But maybe, if he tried, Sans could write something better.

Not wanting to get up now that he was home and comfortable, the skeleton dug around in the cushions of the couch until he found a tiny pencil and his old grocery list. Which was really just a list that said ketchup on it twenty-seven times. He smoothed out the sheet of paper, turned it over so he had a clean slate to work with, and pressed the paper against the back of the TV guide.

i was on the couch, taking a nap, when dragon came up to me and tugged on my sleeve. i snorted and came awake with a start, glad to be waking up from yet another one of those nightmares i always have.

dragon was there for me, like she always is. because hey, that's what friends are for, right? she could tell that i'd been having a bad dream, so she climbed on top of me, cute little kid, ya know, and i grinned and poked her cheek with my fingertip. and boy, i'll tell you what, the kiddo blew a raspberry at me. playful little scamp. how could i say no to that?

i let her curl up on the couch with me, wrapping her arms around my ribs and all that. we fell asleep together, and when my brother came home and saw us taking a nap, he took off his scarf and covered us with it like a blanket.

yeah, i think i could get used to having this kid around.

He smiled as he finished writing and began reading his story. Sans knew all about the resets, he knew about the player living in his world, the good, the bad and everything inbetween. Who knows? He could be writing about you right now.