Saturday 20 January 2007, Luna Nova
"Well the day was coming, I was starting to remember little by little what the fifth word was about, whichmade me practically ready for it, while I was practising and I also got to go to a little party in the meantime,since my mum had turned 35 and called us to celebrate at her house, It was good fun to relax and I evenmanaged to get a bit of a slip-up for the next word, even my mum Bernadette was there on the day and shewas beautiful, even if she was a bit ill, she managed to help me get to the fifth word, telling me about thevarious stories she used to tell me when I was a child and I already had it in my head to reveal the fifth word,only it would have to come on a special day."
Today is a Saturday, so I can rest without doing anything too much, now that I've had a shower after training I can take advantage of the day and go to the blue team's room, just to have fun with the girls, yesterday was already very good, today I hope there will be more, well, come on, I'm looking forward to having fun again. But when I came out of the bathroom, I noticed that Croix was waiting for me, she was sitting on my bed, which I found strange that she was here in the room and not in the other one, but that's okay, she must have wanted to talk to me about something more private, I guess
"Chariot, I want to talk to you seriously, I know something about you and I found out and I want you to be honest about it, let's go to the tower of Arcturus, it's emptier there, I don't want it to be full of people there, okay?" I nod my head in agreement.
"But we can talk here and inhibit the noise" I say to her.
"The kind of thing I want you to tell me should only be revealed in Arcturus, I don't want to be here in Luna Nova to hear it, and even then I don't trust you to speak here" Did Daniella tell her everything? For the nine witches' sake, now that everything has been thrown into the wind, I told her not to reveal anything yet.
"OK, Croix, if you say so, I don't think I can hide it from you, can I?" She even looks surprised.
"So you really have something to reveal, don't you? I hope you're honest, because I found out from someone what you've been doing, I don't know if it's for a long time, I don't know if it's current, but we need to talk, I don't even know if your mums know about this" I'm screwed, I knew that giving in to Daniella would lead to something.
I take a deep breath, even a little nervous, as I follow Croix through the corridors, arriving at the hidden part, without being seen, as we pass the ruins, my nervousness, I don't know what to say about it, but it's time to reveal the truth.
In the forest I get even more nervous following Croix, I can't believe there's more to reveal, I take a deep breath, I think she really knows everything now, we climb the stairs to the tower, I even made a point of coming with Claiomh Solais as I'm trying my best to find the right story my mum gave me, we get to the top and I can see Meridies' eyes, those green ones were starting to shine and get wet.
"Very well Chariot, I've found out things about you and I'm going to give you the chance to confess, we'll talk at the same time about what you've been doing without me knowing, I was even shocked to find out the truth, coming from you" By the nine witches she knows, I can't believe she knows I did it.
"Can you at least wait a little while to think about it, I didn't want to leave you without knowing, I just didn't think it was a good time to tell you, it's not easy to tell you about a subject as delicate as this" I'm already tearing up as I look at her.
"That's why you hid it, isn't it? I thought we could keep our secrets from each other, trust each other again, I promised I'd get better and look, I'm letting go of the question of you being the chosen one, but you still hide these things, come on Chariot it won't be difficult" She must be all hurt by all this, but well what can I do, the wound has already been made.
We stared at each other until we were a little apart, me looking deep into those green slits that are Croix's eyes, even with my glasses I could see that she was about to cry, which we held our breath signalling to each other, the confession is going to come and it's not going to be easy to deal with all this, now that she knows everything it's not going to change much, but I want to take this weight off me.
"You've been smoking"
"I had sex with Daniella Parker"
We shouted together at the same time, only things didn't add up, for the nine lesbian witches, I ended up revealing too much too soon about it, I should have heard it come out of Croix's mouth, now she knows about the affair I had with Parker and even worse her shocked expression says it all, now that it's all over. What do you mean she knows I smoke? Where did she find out? How? Was it New Year's Day? I had heard someone, but even so the two things don't compare, I should have just let her talk to herself, the tears fall more heavily from her face and her fists clench.
"That can't be true, Chariot Du Nord, I trusted you so much and you betrayed me? Is that what I heard? Did you have sex with fucking Daniella Parker?" She's even getting a bit angry.
"And how did you find out that I smoke?" I ask her as she stares at the floor.
"Don't try to evade the subject Chariot Du Nord, I'll answer you anyway, on New Year's Eve I asked Megan to follow you and she watched everything, it took her a few days to tell me the truth, she even lied to protect you and when I found out I was shocked, just like you, but now this? What else are you hiding from me? Are you using other drugs? Did you have sex with Rebecca too? You've been having orgies in Luna Nova in secret, is that it?" I even feel a little guilty.
"No... It's not that Croix, we're not even dating after all, how can you think it's a betrayal, I've only given in to Daniella twice, once at the end of last year and this most recent time a week ago when you left, we enjoyed it, but it was no big deal" She even raises her head and I could see all the anger channelled through her.
"Don't you value our love? I didn't give in to any girl, I turned down anyone who got chatting to me, even the twins in my room were seducing me a little and I still said no to them, all to discover that the pure girl, the saintly girl, the one I thought was an example, actually cheated on me without having a pang of conscience, it even occurred to me that just because we were taking a break was an excuse for it, I thought we'd have something that you valued our love for, that we'd have a romance like your mums have, but apparently I was wrong! I love you Chariot, don't you realise that, you've only ever thought about you, you and you" She walked closer to me and even pointed her finger as I walked backwards.
"I didn't cheat on you at all, I thought about you every moment, but it's not my fault if Daniella is being a much more considerate person than you used to be before this! This shit has turned you into a monster! Better! It's revealed to me who you really are! My mum Bernadette was right about all this! I shouldn't value your feelings so much! You've always thrown mine in the bin and now you're upset about something that happened outside our relationship? For something that isn't even cheating? I want someone who cares about me, I want someone who's genuine, I don't want Croix's crumbs!" I stomp on the floor and push Croix, using a bit of Claiohm Solais for strength, and it even gives her a little shock as she falls to the floor.
I'm even a little shocked by my reaction, I think I was too violent, I didn't expect to be hit like that, by the nine witches, I think I made a serious mistake, why did I do that? She's sitting all devastated looking at me, she starts to cry, I even drop Claiomh Solais on the floor and go near Croix, I try to console her, I shouldn't have responded so aggressively, but enough, enough of this.
"Croix I didn't want to..." She pushes me to the side, not hard, she's just annoyed.
"Get out! I've understood everything Croix, it's all my fault then, I've been a bad girlfriend, a bad person, I only cause you pain that's all, why don't you get away from me once and for all, don't let yourself be carried away by an idiotic feeling, do it, it's better for you, leave me alone, I can manage on my own" She went on trying to push me away.
"Croix... Don't say that, I love you, I really do, but you never think about the things you do, you always throw the blame around, I hate that, I don't want to be used like that all the time, I just want a real feeling, I know you're capable of being someone better... I remember Croix from before Claiomh Solais, she wasn't that..." I'm interrupted again.
"She wasn't a megalomaniac, she wasn't so narcissistic, she wasn't an idiot, she wasn't someone who made you feel bad, she didn't use you, she was always like that Chariot, she was just being a good girl for as long as she could hold out and it wasn't long, but now I've understood everything, what can I do? I'm not a good enough girlfriend for you Chariot, in this race I don't stand a chance, especially against someone like Daniella Parker" She even stood up.
The way she spoke was no longer full of anything, she wasn't feeling anything, not anger, not sadness, she was just completely neutral and that manages to scare me more than her not showing anything, she started to walk away and I even wanted to get close, but I just kept breathing, with no idea how I could go on from
here.
She's gone and I'm just without any support, I'm really feeling guilty about everything, I've had a fight, I don't even know if she's going to talk to me again or if she's going to fight with Daniella, I just know that now everything I had with Croix is going to fall
"Goodbye Croix..." I'm alone in this.
The tears fall to the ground, I just wish things could be simpler, not end up like this, that I could go back to being a child, when I used to lie in bed listening to my mum Bernadette telling me bedtime stories, when mum Laura used to play with me, when I used to have schoolmates, it was all so different, so much better, but now it's gone.
I sit in the corner of the tree, crying and mourning, it's all over in a few minutes, if I'd only confessed to smoking it would be better, but now she knows I had a very short affair with Daniella Parker and she certainly won't see it any differently.
I just keep thinking, I can't think of anything else apart from the disaster that's happened now, that's all I wanted to happen, I could stay with Croix and not commit this, she's just going through a very difficult time.
"I failed Croix, I couldn't create a gate between magic and technology that we wanted so much, to open up an unknown world, as Mum Bernadette used to say" I see something strange while I'm crying.
Is Claiomh Solais glowing? He's glowing with what I've just said while I'm crying, that's what the fifth word is about, I'm even getting closer, I touch Claiomh Solais and I'm remembering something, a story that Mum Bernadette used to tell me when I was a child, to put me to sleep, I hold the staff tightly.
If I'm going to lose Croix, at least I have to have some minimal conquest, this one will be for her, the fifth word is about the history of the world that is opened up when modernity and tradition come together, that's it! When they combine, the gate to an unknown world opens, I'm beginning to remember, the first word was something much more bizarre, but I think I know what it is... That's it, I've remembered, now there's at least one good thing to come out of it.
"When modernity and tradition mix, the gate to an unknown world opens! Civilladura Lelladebura!" Claiom Solais begins to change.
Starting to become a broom, which worked out quite well, I can't believe it's been like that all along, Mum told me the fifth word since I was a kid, that's why it helped me get there, I made it, but I don't know how to feel after that, my mind is taken up with something else, I can use the broom to get to where it is and that's what I'm going to do.
"Shiny Balai, take me to Croix!" I say to the broom as I mount it.
I could even feel a kick, but I was able to move quickly, the broom was moving me where Croix was, which was the opposite way to Luna Nova, she was going to cry on the other side, walking in the midst of the danger of the Arcturus forest, which I could see that a Mandragora vine was about to capture her and I was faster, taking her in my arms and climbing up to the sky.
"Let me go! What are you doing here? What's that broom? I told you to leave me alone" she said angrily.
"Croix, please, let me save you at least, I can't believe you're going to give up hope of living right now, we're so close" I say as she keeps banging on my chest trying to resist and get out of there.
"You idiot! You idiot! You idiot! Let me go! Leave me alone!" She continued to be aggressive, but I flew quickly to the opposite side, and we arrived back at the ruins of Luna Nova, and when we landed, she even threw herself off her broom.
"Croix!" I say worriedly as I land and she falls to the ground and gets up.
"Why? Why?" She sat against a wall crying.
"Croix..." I try to get close, but she's still crying.
I'm not going to go near her, I'm just going to watch her cry, she's leaning against the wall, I know what I've done, but I'm not going to let her go just like that, we have to make things right, well she continued to cry deeply, which I hear someone getting close and I'm already getting attentive, it was just Arcas who was approaching us, he's already a bit big and was asking for affection, which he was getting close to Meridies.
"Please just leave me alone, I'm not going anywhere, I just want to stay here in peace Chariot, can you think about that?" I don't have much to do, so I snort and turn my Claiomh Solais back to normal.
"If you think it's best, I'll leave, but if you try to go to Arcturus Forest again, I'll come and get you, I don't want you to give up on things like this, it's not just a fight between us that's going to bring you down to this point, your goal is more important than any relationship we have" I say to her, who doesn't look back at me.
"Just go away Chariot, when you discover and appreciate the love I feel for you, you'll know that things aren't as simple as you think they are, just leave" I snort, but I'd better leave her alone, there's not much I can do here and disturbing Croix's peace would be worse.
I look at her, who still has her head down, avoiding looking me in the eye, and with that I walk back to the blue team's room, a little crestfallen, I think things have gone to another level, I didn't realise it would get this far, I walk along the corridors, a little depressed.
I walk while looking down, until I reach the door of the room, I open it and walk in looking at the girls, they were even awake and playing and surprisingly my mum is there too, I didn't expect to see her.
"So how did it go with Croix?" I think I have a lot to say.
I'm walking along still a little sad, because I don't know how I'm going to start, I can't just say so openly that I smoke, Mum doesn't know yet, so I sat down on one of the sofas, still very quiet, without opening my mouth, since she has no idea about the fight that happened today, she was even looking at me and noticing that it could be something serious.
"Has something happened to you? Where's Croix?" It's a long story, and a long one at that.
I still don't answer, the tears come first, I can't resist and I burst into tears, which I quickly get my mum to stop playing and her expression changes completely to one of concern, so much so that she sits down on the same sofa as me and lets me rest my head on her thighs, as she always used to do when she was sad and crying.
[...]
I've told her everything, even the part where I'm smoking, which of course I know will be more likely to get me scolded than telling her that Daniella and I had sex, after all she already knows, but the smoking part she had no idea about, I even tell her that it's an addiction from a few months ago and it was due to the stress of work, I think now the impression I've created is totally different.
"Chariot... This is all... It's a lot of information to process, things happened so suddenly, girl, how did a bomb like that get to this point?" I don't know either, I'd really like to know.
"That's why you used to go out alone a lot, it was just a place for you to smoke" I nodded in agreement, I even stopped lying on my mum's thighs.
"Yes, I used to smoke, but not that often, I even managed to hold it in for a few months, but when the stress came I'd go and buy a packet of cigarettes and use most of them in one go, it's like a flavour that reassures me with every drag" I tell them.
"That's an addiction that's bad even for us witches, have you seen how your aunt Rosemary has turned out, she's aged a lot more than us, she's already got a few wrinkles at only 35 years old, apart from the fact that it gives you cancer, I lost my great-grandmother to smoking, girl, great-grandmother Elisabeth, who taught me everything I know about magic, smoked a lot, she always had a packet of their cigarettes in her hand all the time, and that smell went up outside the house, it was even on her body, I was suspecting something, but anyway... The worry is Croix's, it can't have been easy to find out the truth about you and Daniella" said my mum, and I know all this is bad for you, but it's something I'd really rather take the risk of, life is only one.
"I don't know what to do now, my relationship with Croix is over" I say quietly.
"What you're going to do is let her have some time alone girl, she needs to think, she needs time to process all this, even I can't process the idea that my girl is smoking, I'm shocked, I can't believe this could happen" And it did Mum... That bloodyAlan has spoilt me to this extent.
"That's it, let's leave Croix alone, it'll certainly be better than us trying to make her forget all the time, it's not the kind of thing we can control" said Becca.
"I understand Croix, she deserves some time alone, I'm sorry for everything Chariot, I really think I went too far in making us have sex those two times, I'm not going to talk as if the situation would be perfect if I didn't do it, because even so I have my share of the blame and I'll take it, well I think I'll stop making such advances on you, it's better to leave you alone and in peace, I was only to blame for this conflict" I'm surprised by Daniella's response.
"You have nothing to do with this Daniella, I'm the one who ended up finding the girl to fulfil my need in you, you should be more certain about what I'm feeling" I say, snorting.
"I know we're all moping around here, but we have to move on, it's hard, but it's important to keep our heads up, after all, the end of Claiomh Solais is coming up, it's important not to take our focus off important things, so try what you can to clear your head, and Chariot, I'm still going to call your mum here and the three of us will have a serious talk about your smoking" I understand mum... It was my biggest fear that she'd know I was smoking.
"It's OK Mum, I'm sorry I started doing this, I love you for being here with us" I tell her.
"Well our training is now over, from now on the last two words will stay with you, make an effort to find them, bye girl, Lyonne!" She got on her broom and left through the bedroom window.
Now everything is processing itself, well there's not much to go on apart from trying to get over the recent situation between me and the girls, it was quite a tragedy, our relationship will never be the same, especially Croix, I don't even know if she'll ever want to talk to me again, I think my first great love of my life is gone, and in the blink of an eye everything went from bad to worse.
I even look at the girls who look back at me and we're hugging for a while, trying to process the things that have happened now, they know everything about me, they know that Croix might be in the worst of it, what worries me most is whether she's gone back to Arcturus.
"Well, I didn't think Croix would know so soon, but the smoking part is bizarre, what do you mean a girl like you? I expected it from the other side, Croix looks like she smokes, but you? You're all right, all cute, you don't look like you do that kind of thing" Well, there are things you have no idea people hide.
"In the same way that she hides being something else when she's in bed, even though it's a delicate subject to talk about now, appearances can be deceiving, now it makes sense, everything makes sense, I can see you putting a cigarette in your mouth after everything we've done, but you've never reached a point like that" I even tried to do something like that.
"I smoke very little, I think I've smoked at most five packets of cigarettes in my life, it's not that much" I tell them.
"Each packet contains 20 cigarettes, have you smoked Chariot 100 times? That's a lot, how can your lungs stand it, especially when you're so young?" I don't know, but it feels good, it really does once you get used to the strong taste of tobacco.
"There are people who smoke two packets a day, I'm only one level lower than that, the most I've ever smoked in one day was seven, but that day also caused a huge amount of damage to my head, but anyway, now you know" I say shrugging.
"I wonder how? What do you mean? So far, even though you tell me it doesn't fit, you have a perfect and wonderful life, I don't want to offend you, but it's the truth" She has no idea.
"Look, Becca's right, you have caring mums, you even have nice friends, you live in a nice house, it's Shiny Chariot, but because of that piece of shit Alan things have totally changed, it's quite strange to say the least, I have to confess" said Daniella.
"My life isn't as perfect as you think, people have problems at their own level, or they forget the path I took to get to Luna Nova, I lived for almost five years without any love, having to make do to get here, with a father of the worst kind, I had an abusive manager in my career, who always got on my nerves, so yeah, I ended up giving in, it's simple to understand, things only got worse when Croix became that..." I cringe every time I think of it.
"As far as I'm concerned, that's still her true face, Chariot, she just wanted to hide it as much as she could, but she's shown that side of her many times, I could see too well to notice, I was even a little afraid when they started dating, because I knew that one day she'd show her claws, but anyway... Now it's over, we'd better just rest for a while and try to relax"
It's going to be hard after stonings like that, I'm even going to get some food in the chips and nuggets, eating while I look at the girls who are trying to go and play something, but well, what am I going to think from now on? I don't know, well Croix, I hope you're well, I hope we can talk again.
I go back to the sofa, still crying a little, and watch Becca go and play, I've even lost the will to do anything, which Parker can well understand, she didn't even go and play, she went to watch me.
"You really are in a bad way, aren't you?" I nod my head in agreement.
"I was going to tell you to read Night Fall, it's what I do every time I feel bad, but reading 360 books must not be your thing, well I don't know what would make you feel good, maybe smoking a cigarette would help" I shake my head in denial.
"He only helps me when I'm shaking, now my body is perfectly fine, I don't feel those tremors in my hand that are chasing me so much" she replies.
"I'm sorry I said your life was perfect, sometimes I'm a bit jealous that you have two mums like the ones you have, even with that problematic father, and your family in France, that's just one of your relatives, your real family is here, I think I was pretty clueless to want to get involved in your business. I don't know, Croix is practically part of that family too, after all her mum's best friend is the girl's adoptive mum, I really got in the middle of something that isn't mine" I'll answer her again.
"You're not involved in anything Daniella, you can be part of my family as much as you like, I'll never deny you being part of it, even if I'm not as connected as Croix was, it's all a big coincidence really, her being Mrs Jordan's daughter and ending up like that, but well anyway... I like you too" I tell her.
"I think we'd better take a break from making advances too, I know you're starting to have feelings, but look, I'm thinking of Croix too, this isn't a competition where you're a trophy, you shouldn't be seen like that by me or Croix, you're you Chariot, a person who really loves won't think of it as an opportunity to win more points, but rather to see the other person well, knowing how to see the importance between them" Parker always knows a lot about these things.
"You really know a lot about romance to have such good advice" I say to her.
"This book taught me everything, it just has a horrible main romance, but the other couples have interesting developments, it's where I learnt how to treat someone you love, how I could really be a person with the heart I have and even how I discovered my bisexuality, but anyway, let's just carry on like our good old friendship" said Daniella.
Well, she's right, she's right, I should think a bit about myself and Croix too, she's been through so many bombshells now and I should take a break from this romance stuff, I should think more about how my friendship with her is going, how our relationship can improve, I should dedicate myself to that if I want to get to the sixth word.
"The bombshell has dropped as expected, now everyone knows that I'm having an affair with Daniella and asyou can see Croix hasn't acted very well, she has a bit of a jealousy, well now comes a very delicate part ofthis relationship with Croix, you must be wondering how we would get back together after that, especiallysince I was dating Croix during the years I did my world tour and I couldn't have done it without getting backtogether with her."
See you, betrayed witches...