Friday 2 February 2007, Luna Nova
"Now that Croix knows everything, things have gone from bad to worse, she stopped talking to me for a longtime, always ignoring me, even when I took a break I could see that someone was very upset by everything, Iwas also getting pretty bad for all this ignoring and I even felt that I deserved it, after all, I knew that I hadmade a big mistake and it was still getting close to my birthday, every day I didn't know if Croix could talk tome again, but things wouldn't be easy at all."
Another day at school and another day with Croix avoiding me, I don't know what to do anymore, I thought it might be quieter like the other times, but it's been many days since she's spoken to me, is this the end of it? Will my relationship with Croix stop then? I don't really have much choice, it seems.
I walk with the girls up to the bedroom, where I stare at the ceiling, where I can't even get excited about playing, because the situation is so different, it's really not easy to deal with things like this.
"I just wish I could talk to Croix again... Could it really be the end?" I say sullenly.
"It sounds like a lot of Chariot, but well, it's only been a few days since the event, I think it's good that you give her some time to reflect on what happened, that's what I think, but don't feel bad that she hasn't spoken to you yet, we just have to wait patiently" said Parker.
"I don't understand how these days you're still helping me, it's not like when the year started you said you wouldn't give up on me and that you'd do anything to have me by your side" I'm confused.
"I love you and I won't give up, that's true, but it's not about me, it's not about you being my girlfriend, it's about making you happy, I won't give up until you can be happy with whoever you think will be happy, it's important to say that" Daniella cares a lot about me, but it's always bizarre.
"What about you? You've never stopped to think about yourself, how you always prioritise others, but you yourself get cast aside so much" Now I've made her point.
"I know that, but look at the situation, what do you want me to do? I'm not going to keep hitting on you for free, the impact of what happened came because of me hitting on you, I don't want the same mistake to happen again and again, anyway, when everything's fine I'll hit on you again if that's the answer you want so much" I'm impressed by this girl's determination, it's always so strange how confident she gets like that.
Well, there's not much to talk about after that, I even keep looking up, seeing that Becca has gone to turn on my video game to play, while Parker has gone to read a book, I pick up my mobile and check the messages, just to see if there's anything that Croix has sent me, there might be a chance that she wants to talk from afar by text as well.
I check the messages and it's just my mum chatting to me, as usual, Mum Bernadette telling me how she's been really unwell lately, I'm worried about that, I wonder if Daryl is trying to hurt her, Mum Laura talking about how worried she is about Mum Bernadette, and none from Croix, I've sent her so many hello messages every day and she hasn't replied, not even the various good mornings and good nights, nothing, it's just blank.
"She's ignoring me completely" I say as I look at the messages.
"You should worry less about all this and come here and play a bit" said Becca.
"It's not so much Becca, her head is full of things, she just wants the chance to talk to Croix" said Parker.
"Becca's right, I'm just here moaning, she's right, I think I should play for a while until things get a bit better, since unfortunately it's going to take a while for things to get better, I know that deep down Croix might be thinking about me" I say, going to sit down next to my friend.
I take a deep breath and try not to think about Croix, as hard as it may be, but it's the right thing to do so I don't end up feeling so bad, I'll distract myself by playing with a friend, then I'll think about what to do after that, I'll look at the screen and I think it may have compromised something, I'm not sure.
[...]
Wednesday 7 February 2007, Luna Nova
With every day that goes by away from Croix, I feel sicker, I couldn't have imagined that things would have such an impact, she hasn't come to talk to me until now, just when I was hoping that maybe we'd talk together on my birthday, these things are really getting me down, now I'm going back to my room, there's not much to do.
I get there and stare at the ceiling, then I pick up my mobile phone to check the messages, I really hope there are some from Croix, but when I look they're only from my mum, and none from dear Croix, which makes me snort with sadness.
"Nothing so far?" I shake my head in agreement and frown.
"I should give up, I have no chance with her, it's over for good, I've just been an arsehole" I say as I look at my mobile phone.
"Don't think like that Chariot, don't give up just because it's been another day without any messages, she must surely look at you and think that you care about her, think like that" I already do, but what's the point, it's only in my head.
"It's no use, inside I keep thinking about her thinking that and then coming here to hug me, but the reality is completely different" I say to Parker.
My head is filled with thousands of thoughts, I see more messages and it turns out they're just the same old ones, my mothers talking about smoking, how it's bad for you and I haven't smoked since that day, I can't even do it, I feel like it's not going to do any good, I even close my mobile phone and go to the window to look out at the landscape while I hold back my tears.
But I couldn't hold it in, the wind began to carry my tears away, the cold winter winds, my crying was wetting the rest of the snow below, the girls stayed behind to console me.
"You can't keep your head down like this all the time, Chariot, you'll freeze us in this window too" I know that, but at least it helps me to feel something.
"Becca! She's in a bad way, you're not going to die from an open window, it's not even that cold today, leave her alone for a bit" I'll even take my face off and close the window.
"No, it's okay, she's right, I don't want to freeze everyone" I go to my bed and lie in a foetal position staring at the wall.
I just wanted you here Croix, I just wanted to be able to cuddle with her, for her to come to the door and say that everything was fine, that she forgave me, that we should go and play and have fun, but apparently that's not going to happen and it's destroying me in a very massive way, I can't even move on that much, I just want things to be over soon.
Please Croix come back to me, let's go back to being friends like we always were, I promise I'll get better, we'll talk a lot, I'll get the seven words from Claiomh Solais, I promise so much. I felt a hand on me, it was Parker's and another hand was Becca's, they were both caressing me while I was still ill.
"You look worse than you did the other day, how about an ice-cream?" I said to Parker and nodded.
"You're not even eating properly Chariot, we're getting worried about you, we don't want you to get that bad" I just can't eat that much, I don't feel like anything.
[...]
Saturday 10 February 2007, Luna Nova
There are only 10 days left and Croix hasn't replied to me, I keep looking at my mobile phone, I've tried every tactic to go and talk to her, but none of them have worked, all she's done is ignore me, what have I done now? Was it really that bad? I just wish I could have her by my side, I can't think of anything and do nothing, I'm getting sick of everything, it seems like such a gamble.
I see the door opening and in it I see that it's my mum, she's noticed me lying in bed and I look back at the wall.
"Chariot!" They both said and came towards me.
"Hi Mums..." I say sullenly.
"She started acting like this on Wednesday, in class she acts on automatic, since Friday she hasn't eaten anything, she hasn't drunk anything, I feel like she hasn't had a bath for days and she needs you" said Daniella and I just shrank down more.
"She what? What do you mean she doesn't shower? Doesn't do anything? All this because of Croix?" My mum Laura asked, shocked.
"We've tried what we can, but I've decided to get your number and send you messages to help with this, she needs to at least get back to the way she was before the fight, every day it just seems to get worse" I just can't feel like doing anything else.
"You can leave the room, we'll look after her as best we can" said my mum Bernadette.
I heard the slamming of doors and I just cried my eyes out staring at the wall, I don't know what else to do, now even my mum's come, I should have been less seriously depressed, then maybe things would have got better, just pretending everything's fine would have worked better, but apparently only Croix has managed to do that.
"Chariot, you've got to empower yourself more, I know it might be sudden to say this to you in this state, but the reality is that Croix is making you feel bad for something that isn't even your fault, girl, you're not dating, you're just friends and yet you only gave in once or twice, you liked it, as I was saying before, the girl is being toxic with you, she's now just managing to rent this space in your head and you're letting her" I never thought I'd hear something like this from mum Bernadette.
"Bernadette! I thought we'd come here to help her, I don't know, give her a bath, give her food, care and love, but talking like that is going to help how? You don't have to hate Croix either, she has her faults, but she does have feelings" Are they really going to fight here? I can't believe they're going to fight over me.
"No Laura, you say that out of attachment to Croix, the girl is your best friend's daughter who is like a sister to you, it blinds you to realising that that little girl is problematic, I have very bad memories with that kind of behaviour and you know it Laura, I want to help the girl to empower herself more, you can see that the head of..." I turn round and even get a little angry.
"You two can shut up!" The two remain silent.
When I realised what I'd said, I closed my mouth and started to cry a lot and burst into tears, which led the two of them to come and hug me, I didn't understand at all, but I just don't want them to get into this argument and fight because of me, I could see that Mum Bernadette is a bit weak too, her skin is paler than usual.
"Sorry Mums..." They continued to hug.
"All right, Chariot... It's OK... We shouldn't be arguing here about you, that's what I meant, we just wanted to try and help in any way we could" said Mum Bernadette.
"Let's try what we can, you need a real bath and also to eat, let's get started on that, not let you down so much and overcome this obstacle" I wish it were that easy, but I think I can even try, it might help even just a little.
I take a deep breath and try to get up, even though I'm weak, I get some help from them, who even go into the bathroom and help me take my clothes off, and with that I go into the bath where I take my first bath in days, I even feel a bit unclean because of it, but I think I should take the first step if I want things to get a bit better, the two of them even make a point of helping me with other things, watching my mum Bernadette doing my nails, and at the back mum Laura doing my hair.
"Our little girl has to regain her former self-esteem, no girl is going to take away that part of her, the confidence that Shiny Chariot has always had" said my Cavendish mum.
"You have to prioritise yourself, your happiness is also important and it doesn't depend on anyone else, Bernadette is very right about that, so let's help you with that together" Well, I think I'll try to talk about something else, just so I don't think about it during my relaxing bath.
"And as for Mum Bernadette, why are you so pale, Mum? What happened to your skin? What's happened to you?" I ask her.
"I don't know exactly what happened, but since the year started I've been feeling like this, it's strange, but I'm fine, I managed to get here to look after my daughter" She had a smile on her face and I'm a bit suspicious, because it's very strange.
"Do you still think Daryl might be behind this?" I ask her and hear a yes and no at the same time.
"Huh? Bern, your sister clearly wants to get you out of the way, love, I strongly suspect she's not behind this" said my mum Laura.
"I've consulted her enough, the house staff have told me her every move and I've been able to spy on her very well myself, she's not changing any of the medicines I've been receiving since I started getting ill, I even tried to see if they were sabotaged and they're not, they're normal medicines, Laura this is very strange, I've developed some very strange illness" I'm worried.
"You're a Cavendish, surely there must be a cure for this, it's not possible, maybe Daryl injected you with something while you were asleep and you didn't even realise it, if so? What if you stop taking the medication?" I ask Mum.
"It doesn't work, I've already tried it and the symptoms get worse if I don't take anything, I have to keep taking it and the traditional doctors say I'm perfectly healthy, just as I didn't feel any pain from the injection on any of the days nor did I find a hole in me, this is very strange indeed, if Daryl has somehow poisoned me using magic, we're in a very unfavourable situation" I get very worried.
"Don't say something like that as if you're going to die, love, if she's done that I won't have any pity when I meet her again" I'm even more worried about it.
"She won't, Daryl is my sister after all, never would one sister kill another, apart from the fact that she has all the privileges she can enjoy at the Cavendish mansion, I don't think she can go so far as to kill, she's only weakening me to deliver an intimidation, surely it's because I'm spending the family savings on turning Chariot's career into something gigantic" I see things are getting into a very different climate.
"I don't doubt anything, after what Chelsea did to me I'm not so sure about the monstrosity that sisters can do, but anyway, things must at least be going well for Shiny Chariot" said my mum Laura.
"Of course they are, I've managed to close the summer world tour, as soon as Chariot's classes are over she'll be travelling the world and she'll have everything in hand, I've managed to hire a plane for her to travel all over the world, transport, hotels, and the places where she'll be performing are already confirmed" I even look a bit different, I'd forgotten who I was, the presentations.
"Ohhhh, you see Chariot, you're going to be back on stage, you're going to be a worldwide success" I'm slowly getting back into the mood, I have this motivation to keep going, to remember who I am and not who I am with Croix.
"We'll start in London, as the first stop will be the European part of the tour, it will be a busy two and a half months, Paris, Frankfurt, Stockholm, Moscow, Shanghai, Seoul, Tokyo, Sydney, Los Angeles and the final presentation of the tour in New York, these were the places I managed to rent and it was a lot of money, But I'm sure the return will be strong, the girls have been working with Croix to create the banners, I'll show you what the world tour will look like, by the way, for Tokyo I intend to take Diana if everything goes well, I promised her" I hope Diana can go, it will be magical.
"World tour, right away, that's marvellous Chariot, well I'm sure that by then you'll have a lot of help to perform in all your glory" said my mother Laura.
Wow, I'm really excited, it's really brought me back on track, I'm going to be able to present worldwide, I think that's what I have to focus on again, even without Croix I'm Shiny Chariot, I'm going to be the inspiration for all the children in the world, I'm that person, I'm the one who brings hope, I can't forget that, I'm important to people.
I think this is what I needed, the bath is also helping me to relax, mum's hands being light on my hands and my hair are helping me to relax, I feel like a queen with all this.
"We seem to have a smile here" said my Cavendish mum.
"I can't forget who I am, after all I'm Shiny Chariot and I shouldn't be down all the time, I'll come back shining like always, thank you so much for everything mums" I say getting more excited.
"That's what it's like to see my girl do it, to see the smile on her face, but it's not just the bath that's missing, someone has to eat too, you haven't eaten properly for days, I can even see your bones" But you always have, I'm thin.
"It's true, our Chariot is very skinny, she won't even be able to hold Shiny Rod on stage like this" I'm already factory thin, you don't have to exaggerate so much.
And the bath comes to an end, I get out of the bath, my body already clean and I dry myself off, even with a little help, I get dressed in a dressing gown and I go back to the bedroom, feeling like a queen, there I sit on a pouf and with my hair wrapped in a towel I sit down and I see my mum putting some cream on my face, I think she's going to give me a skin care, everything to get me back to full health.
[...]
Wednesday 14 February 2007, Luna Nova
I've just been ignoring my mobile phone for a few days and I've been feeling better, all I do is talk to the mums and nothing else, I'm back as Shiny Chariot, that day I spent with the mums brought me back to myself, I'm sure it was the help I needed most at the moment.
I get back to my room and start thinking about Shiny Chariot, I'm even cheered up by the fact that I've got the world tour poster and the news is spreading, I'm going to be so big, the pages of the internet are talking about me, my big comeback is definitely going to be one of those.
"Apparently someone has everything" said Daniella.
"I discovered myself these days, I'm not the Chariot who loves Croix, I'm the Chariot Du Nord who loves myself and that's how I should be, I shouldn't depend on another girl to complete me, I shouldn't worry and fill myself with thoughts about my friend, if she wants to talk to me again or not I should just not call" I say more determinedly.
"We're enjoying watching it, it really was the right thing to do to call the Chariot mums here, look how the old Chariot has come back" said Becca.
"Why don't you go back to checking all the messages on your mobile? Overcome your traumas and all that, maybe then I can help you get over it for good" You're right Parker, I'll look into it now.
I take out my mobile phone to have a look and let's see what I get, as usual, lots of messages from mums, I answer them all and apparently they're showing more of the world tour, wow, in four months' time I'm so excited, people are going to look at that and shout my name everywhere, I'm going to have the chance to travel to America and Japan for the first time.
But then a message pops up, I see it's from Croix, it's her number, I open it and see that all the messages I've sent have been taken up by messages from her.
"Hello"
"Good morning Chariot" "Good evening Chariot" "Hello"
"Are you going to ignore me now?"
"I thought you really loved me, did you give up on me that easily? I was reading all the messages you sent me, you don't have to be so cold, I've talked to my mum a lot these past few days and I was willing to forgive you, but it seems you're more into sucking Daniella Parker's pussy, aren't you?"
"A thousand apologies Chariot, I only just found out that you wanted to take a break from your mobile phone, I understand you being like this, it must have been hard for you too, I'm just missing you and I wanted to be able to talk and maybe we can be friends again, but if you don't want to that's fine, I'm really sorry Chariot Du Nord"
"Well everything's weirdthink I'd better take a break too, I'm not going to disturb you, you're probably more pensive on your own than I am, I should get back to it too, I'm sorry, but I don't know if I'll have the mind to turn up for your birthday, maybe we can talk by message these days, I'm not so keen on talking in person again"
"I love you Chariot Du Nord
I'm left with a shocked expression, she's sent a lot of things and some of them were even on days when I was really unwell, when I decided to just stop using my mobile phone, I didn't imagine it would get this far,
but well, I need to breathe, but at the same time there was some shaking and nervousness, not again, I thought I'd got rid of these things.
"Chariot?" The girls get worried but I'm already pretty bad.
"I'm fine..." I'm not fine at all.
I feel a hand shaking in mine, since I've closed my eyes, it could be time to go back to nicotine, I even feel the urge to put it between my two fingers and the smoke in my lungs, but it's better not to do that, even if they now know.
I open my eyes and it's Daniella, she's always there to comfort me, and Becca's other hand is there to help me, I'm not completely over Croix, I have to recover and not get my head full of things.
"It was her, wasn't it?" Parker asks.
"She sent a lot of messages" I said, almost crying and feeling some of the little shakings already.
"I know, she wanted to come here, but I wouldn't let her, you were in a really bad way and she didn't seem to give a damn, I told her that she seemed more angry with you than she really wanted to make things right, I didn't show it, but I got slapped in the face" What? She came here? How come I didn't know? I shouldn't dwell on it.
"Croix is very unstable too, I think it's best not to think about it coming up on your birthday, either in your head or hers, but anyway, I didn't want to tell you because you were in a really bad way at the time" I huffed.
"Well, I shouldn't break down about it, they're just messages, I already know she still wants to talk to me, but I need to enjoy the days alone, that's all, maybe even get back to focussing on the seven words and, more importantly, keep coming up with ideas on how to rehearse Shiny Chariot" I say, trying to get my smile back, but I could tell I'd broken down.
I'm still feeling a bit shaky, but I'm just going to pretend I'm not that bad, so I don't look so bad, that's right, I even pick up my staff and look in the window, I'm very pensive, I look at the girls, they look up and I see Parker handing me a packet of cigarettes, which I'm confused about.
"Do it, I know you want to, I can see your reaction, but come back" said Daniella.
"Daniella! How do you want her to get healthy and stop smoking with that?" Becca said, shocked.
"She's in a very heavy withdrawal, she needs it, then she'll think about stopping" You're right, Parker.
I take the packet of Marlboros that the brunette hands me, look at it closely and open the window. With the staff I'm already thinking about flying, but I'm not going to show myself as someone who's changing like that, I should really think about letting go, I throw the packet out of the window with all my might using even magic and then I look at it in the air.
"Noctu OrfeiAude Fraetor!" I turn Claiomh Solais into a bow and shoot at the cigarette packet this is for me and more important for the others.
The arrow hit the packet and caused all the cigarettes inside to burn in an instant, and they fell apart in the air and became nothing more than ashes falling to the ground, then I looked at the girls and they were in shock, But then I see Daniella hugging me, I don't understand anything, but I'm still shaking a bit, which is making me move a lot, but it's my way of being strong and resisting, and I feel something sticking to my arm, and then I look at them, a little surprised.
"I have to stop, for everyone's sake, I can't become an addict" I say and gradually feel myself relax.
"I'm well aware of that, I've stuck on a nicotine patch that can help you stop smoking, it was the way I thought might be good" Ah so I'm feeling relaxed.
"What if I get addicted to these stickers?" I ask her.
"You won't, I guarantee you won't, I know what I'm going to do to help you stop, I even feel grateful, little by little you can help me" The relief comes and I sit down on the pouf, I think that's it, I have to clear my head.
"Better?" I nod my head.
"It feels much better than the bitter taste of tobacco, but it still feels good when you put it in your mouth, but I realise I have to stop, I think the patch can help a lot, thank you for everything Daniella" I say happier.
"Let's play for a while and forget all about it, it's better, don't think about that girl or your nicotine addiction" You're right Daniella.
"We'll look after you however we can, Chariot" said Becca.
"Thank you for everything" I say to them.
Well I never thought that the nicotine patch could help so much, it really is a marvellous thing, I keep wondering if these patches are really real and this is just a placebo to imagine that I'm getting relief from nicotine, but well if it is a placebo, even better, so I don't get addicted to nicotine like I'm getting, the shaking has even stopped, this is much better like this, I hope it doesn't come back, I don't want to end up giving in.
"Those were very heavy days for my psyche, I was suffering from Croix withdrawal and add to that the samething with nicotine, at that time my head felt like it was going to explode, they were very difficult days to dealwith, I didn't imagine that Croix could affect me so much like that, I really shouldn't have put that cigarette inmy mouth or put anything else in my mouth either, but anyway, that period with Croix was a bit long and Ididn't have much to say apart from depression, I felt it a lot of the time."
See you, depressed witches...