Chapter 38
Uijeongbu Korea; October 18th; 1952
Ellie Marie and Klinger pulled to a stop outside their new home. They looked down the road into the center of the compound, but it seemed deserted.
"Huh….all seems quiet." Ellie Marie commented, "you wanna go see where everybody's disappeared to?"
"We could." Klinger said, "or we could take advantage of their momentary distraction, slip into our tent unnoticed and let them figure out we're back on their own." She grinned at him.
"I like the way you think, husband." She said, and she hopped out of the jeep and grabbed her suitcase.
They walked towards their front door, which had been embellished with the small sign that read The Klinger's stuck in the ground next to it.
"Drop that suitcase." Klinger said.
"Why?" She asked, but she did as he asked and then gave a small shriek and he scooped her up in his arms.
"Always wanted to do this." He said with a grin as he nudged the door open with his foot and carried her over the threshold.
"Wow baby…." He said, sitting her down and looking around, "I didn't get a chance to come in here after you added the finishing touches. It looks great!"
"Thanks love…." She said with a smile.
He went back out and got their suitcases, and then made a show of going over and flopping down on their bed and relaxing with his hands behind his head.
"Alright….honeymoons over." He teased, "how bout you make me some lunch little lady." She glared at him and then walked over to the bed and jumped on top of him.
"That's not how this is gonna work mister and you know it." She said leaning down to kiss him, "in case you forgot, I outrank you."
"Oh I didn't forget." He said with a mischievous smile, "you got any orders for me Captain?"
"I can think of a few…." She replied, pinning his hands above his head and kissing him again.
"Knock knock!" Margaret's voice sounded from outside the door.
"Well that didn't take long…" She sighed, rolling off of him so she was seated on the bed next to him.
"Come in Major." He called, propping himself up on his elbows.
Margaret walked through the door with a small package in her hands, and Colonel Potter, B.J. and Hawkeye followed closely behind.
"We noticed the jeep outside and figured our newest newlyweds had returned." Colonel Potter said. "How was Tokyo?"
"Amazing…." Ellie Marie said with a sigh, "miss it already."
"I'm sure….."B.J. said, "must be quite the adjustment, having to come back here."
"Clothes….are definitely to take some getting used to again." Klinger teased with a smirk.
"Corporal Klinger you sly dog…." Hawkeye said, winking at him.
"Well anyway….. we come bearing a house warming present!" Margaret held the package out to Ellie Marie, "It's your wedding pictures!"
"Don't say pictures!" Hawkeye snapped grumpily.
"What's his problem?" Klinger asked, as Ellie Marie opened the envelope and they began to look through the photographs.
"We've had a bit of a plague of pilfering since you've been gone." Colonel Potter explained, "In the past week we've seen half our penicillin, a third of our morphine, and an entire case of prime steaks disappear, not to mention countless personal trinkets, and Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt's brand new fancy Polaroid camera."
"Damn….that's a tough break." Klinger said, "you fill out a stolen goods report?"
"Of course we did! It's the first thing we did! But it's been three days, and we haven't heard so much as a peep."
"Doesn't surprise me." Klinger said, "if the crime wave has been spreading as quick as you say I'm sure C.I.D has more of those reports than it can handle."
"So what? We just get lost in the shuffle?" B.J. said.
"I mean…you could try to go right to the source if you want. It's not like C.I.D doesn't have a number you can call and make some noise. A Polaroid is a pretty high value item, so they're more likely to listen to you than someone belly aching about losing their grandpa's pocket watch."
"Klinger you beautiful human…..why didn't we think of that!" Hawkeye said happily, "come on Beej, we've got a stink to make." He grabbed his compatriot and ran out of the tent,
———
"Remember that little diner on the ginza with the cheeseburgers and the chocolate milkshakes….." Ellie Marie said wistfully as she poked at the chipped beef and toast on her plate.
Klinger chuckled and kissed her temple, as Hawkeye and B.J. slumped heavily onto the bench across from them.
"How'd things go with C.I.D?" Ellie Marie asked.
"Oh swell….." B.J. said, "they were very understanding. They were happy to let us know that they never received any stolen goods reports from us." He glared at Hawkeye.
"Well how was I supposed to know you had to make multiple copies of a form when you send it out!?" Hawkeye said defensively.
"You always gotta send everything in triplicate Hawk…." Klinger said, "otherwise the official copy just gets stuck at I-Corps."
"Well of course you know that! You're a company clerk!" Hawkeye retorted. "If you'd been here we wouldn't even be having this conversation!"
"Hey…." Ellie Marie said defensively, "I get that you're upset, but don't take it out on him. He's allowed to take a break every once in a while, especially for his honeymoon." Hawkeye looked up at her and then shook his head and sighed.
"You're right….that wasn't fair." He said, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Klinger, I promise to stop blaming your husband for my problems."
A few hours later Ellie Marie was curled up in her new bed reading a book. It was cozy, she'd lit a fire in their stove and was feeling very peaceful and sleepy. She definitely felt like she could get used to this new home. There was only one piece missing. The door opened and Klinger walked in, he looked over at her and smiled.
"Gotta say, I sure like coming home to you." He said, taking off his coat and hanging it on the back of a chair.
"I like you coming home to me." She said, "but I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't expecting you back so late on our first night in our new place."
He took off his boots and slipped into the bed next to her, kissing her shoulder.
"Sorry baby…I was just feeling really bad about the whole thing with Hawkeye and B.J.s camera. I filled out a new stolen goods form for them and got it out so it should be to C.I.D. in the morning, but I wanted to see if there was something else I could do."
"Why do you feel bad though?" Ellie Marie said, running a hand through his hair, "you weren't even here when it happened. There's no way anyone could blame you."
"Yeah but that's the exact problem, I wasn't here. Hawkeye was right, if I'd been here to file the paperwork it wouldn't have gotten fouled up. But not only that, you think it's a coincidence that this crime wave happened when I was gone? Whoever this punk is, they knew I was the one who always kept an eye out for that kind of shady business."
"Maxwell….." Ellie Marie said, "Only you could find a way to feel guilty about people not being able to take care of themselves for ten days when those same people constantly rake you over the coals and never give you a break when it comes to you doing whatever they need done."
"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked.
"It means you're amazing," She said, "and I like you and I love you." She put her book down and kissed him. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to his chest.
"So what's your big master plan to get the guy's camera back, and why did it keep you out so late?" She asked, as she snuggled in against him.
"I went down to talk to Rosie." He said, "I've known for a while that there's an open air market….of the black variety in the area but it's very on the DL, and it moves. They call it Little Chicago. If somebody wanted to hock stolen goods like a Polaroid, that'd be the place to do it."
"So you're gonna go check out the black market, market?" She asked, and he laughed.
"Yeah pretty much." He said.
"Is it dangerous?"
"Nah….as long as you got money, they'll be your best friend." He assured her, "I'm gonna head out there tomorrow around lunch time. I'll be back in a couple hours, hopefully with the camera."
"Look at you being the knight in shining armor." She teased.
"Eh what can I say….I've got a soft spot for Captains." He said, and he kissed her again as she laughed.
————
"Do you know if Max's back yet?" She asked, as Colonel Potter walked into Post Op the next day.
"Not to my knowledge. Do you happen to know where exactly your spouse ran off to in such a hurry?" He asked.
"He had one of his hair brained schemes that he thinks might help turn up the Polaroid camera." She said, "he felt guilty for not being here when all the stuff started going missing. Felt like if he was he could have done something about it."
"He's a sweet man, your husband." The Colonel said, shaking his head affectionately.
"He really is…." She agreed.
B.J. and Hawkeye walked through the door at the end of the ward looking more grave than she'd ever seen them. She looked at Colonel Potter and saw that his face reflected the same level of concern that hers did.
"Boys….." He said, "Would you like to tell us why you both look like someone just put down your prize mare?"
Ellie Marie suddenly noticed the camera tucked under Hawkeye's arm.
"You got your camera back." She said, "did Max find it?"
"Yep….he sure did." B.J. said.
"So where is he?" She asked. The two men looked nervously at each other.
"Captains….where is my husband?" She asked again more pointedly.
"Ellie…..I need you to stay calm." B.J. said.
"Why do I need to stay calm??" She asked, her voice rising, "where is my husband?"
"She's not gonna stay calm." Hawkeye said.
"Why don't we move this conversation into the office." Colonel Potter said, taking her arm and leading her back through the doors.
"You tell me what is going on right now!" Ellie Marie snapped, rounding on the other two Captains.
"So the thing is….the M.P.s brought the camera back to me about a half hour ago. They said they caught the guy who stole it, and had him detained. We were so happy to get it back we just signed the forms and sent them on their way." Hawkeye said, "but B.J. had the good sense to ask who the thief was."
"Please do not say….what I think you're about to say." Ellie Marie said, closing her eyes and trying to breath through the anger building in her.
"We tried to tell them that they got the wrong guy!! That Max is one of our best friends and he'd never steal from us." B.J. said.
"ARE YOU TELLING ME MY HUSBAND IS SITTING IN A C.I.D. DETENTION CELL RIGHT NOW!" Ellie Marie shouted.
"Alright Ellie take a breath." Colonel Potter said bracingly, "I'll make the call now. We'll have him out in a few hours."
It was almost dusk when the armored truck pulled into the compound and unlocked the back. Klinger climbed out and they unshackled his hands.
"He's still under investigation Colonel, he's not permitted to leave the compound for any reason." The M.P. said.
"Understood." Colonel Potter said.
As soon as the truck pulled away Ellie Marie ran down the hill and jumped into Klinger's arms hugging him tightly.
"Are you ok?" She asked, pulling back and cupping his face in her hands so she could look at him. He was dirty, and looked exhausted but she couldn't see anything physically wrong with him.
"I'm ok baby." He said tiredly, "I'm just really glad to be home."
"Klinger….I have no clue what happened but I'm so sorry." Hawkeye said, "can we buy you some dinner before you explain it to us?"
"Honestly sir, I just wanna get a long hot shower and be in my own bed." He said, "but if you give me about a half hour you guys are welcome to come over and talk it through. As long as it's ok with the missus."
"Of course." Ellie Marie said.
———-
"So I took the M.P.s back to the spot where Little Chicago was, and the whole thing was gone. Not even a trace" Klinger explained a little while later.
They were sitting on their bed, Ellie Marie had her arms wrapped around him and was resting her chin on his shoulder. Hawkeye was sitting on their couch, B.J. In the chair next to him and Colonel Potter had brought over one of the chairs from the table.
"It's been a long day for you, hasn't it son?" Colonel Potter said, gently.
"How would you like to spend three hours in a cell with a drunken Mongolian pickpocket?" Klinger said, "he tried to lift my wallet four times!" He patted his pocket and rolled his eyes, "Five…."
"Well we want you to know you've got our complete support." Hawkeye said.
"As witnesses for the prosecution?" Ellie Marie said flatly, she wasn't done being angry with them for signing the report from the M.P.s.
"Hey come on….all we did was tell them it was our camera." B.J. said.
"And we wouldn't have said anything at all if we knew you were the one who stole it!" Hawkeye retorted, "……you know what I mean."
"You guys are gonna be wonderful on the stand….." Klinger said dryly, "Why don't we just call the firing squad now and avoid the rush?" He put his face in his hands, "Boy I shell out 60 bucks tryin' to help my friends and this is the thanks I get.e on…you know we'd never get you in trouble." B.J. said.
"You literally did get him in trouble." Ellie Marie snapped, "He went out there because he felt guilty about not being here to help you out, and look where he is now."
"Alright, will all of you calm down, and let grayer heads prevail please?" Colonel Potter said, "Before the army gets involved in a court martial there's gotta be an investigation. Considering that we have proof that Klinger wasn't even in the country at the time…."
"No good sir." Klinger said, "the report was filed yesterday. As far as the evidence is concerned that's officially when the camera was stolen. These two yahoos can say it was four days ago until they're blue in the face, the official timeline is what matters."
"Colonel, if the Captains refuse to press charges can't we just make this all go away?" Ellie Marie asked.
"I wish it were that easy Ellie, but that paper they signed was tantamount to doing just that. So the army will want to do this by the book. They'll assign an independent, impartial investigator."
"A total stranger?" Klinger said, "Someone who's never broken bread with me? Never basked in the warmth of my smile?"
"Put the shovel down Corporal, we all know you're innocent." The Colonel said with a smirk. "The investigator will find out soon enough that he's on a wild goose chase."
"Yeah….just my luck, it'll end up being some weeny guy who's just itching to get even for the lousy hand life dealt him, who resents swarthy men of action." Klinger grumbled, and Ellie Marie leaned up and kissed his cheek.
"It's gonna be ok." She said, "you didn't do anything so there's nothing for him to find."
"On that same vein….." Colonel Potter said with a sigh, "I know neither of you is going to like this much, but for the next day or two while the investigator is here I think it's probably best for Klinger to move his foot locker and cot back up to the office. Your cohabitation down here isn't exactly against regulations, but it's not particularly by the book either. In most circumstances no one would look twice, but when the Army is going over your business with a fine tooth comb…."
"Best to make sure everything looks squeaky clean…." Ellie Marie said with a sigh, she turned and glared at Hawkeye and B.J., "We've been back in camp less than 48 hours and thanks to the two of you my husband has spent half a day detained by the M.P.s and now he has to move out of our home. When we get this thing figured out, you owe us, big time."
"No arguments here." B.J. said, raising his hands.
The next afternoon as Ellie Marie was headed to her shift in the lab she noticed a jeep parked outside the main office building. She had a feeling she knew exactly who it belonged to and as she walked through the main doors she realized she was right. An unknown man was standing by Klinger's desk and talking with both her fellow Captain's and the Colonel.
"Oh! Hello Captain." Colonel Potter said as she walked in, "Captain Triplett meet Captain Lennox, our Assistant Head Nurse. First one in Korea and a damn fine asset to this camp."
"Please to meet you, Captain." The man said, extending his hand, "we've of course heard many wonderful things about the work done by all you exceptional nurses here in Korea."
"And she's one of the most exceptional." B.J. said, "accepted to Harvard and on her way to becoming a surgeon when she joined the war effort."
"Oh my…..that is very impressive indeed." The Captain said, raising his eyebrows.
"Thank you." Ellie Marie said, shaking the man's hand, "but I do have to make a slight correction to the Colonel's introduction, my name is Captain Ellie Marie Klinger. It's new and they're all getting used to the change."
"Klinger….." He said, "so I take that means you and the Corporal are."
"Blissful newlyweds." Hawkeye confirmed, "two weeks on Monday right?"
"That's right." Ellie Marie confirmed.
They'd discussed it the night before and while the Colonel had a point about the appearance of Klinger's living arrangements, they decided it also didn't seem wise to attempt to hide their marriage, considering it was already on record.
"Well….congratulations to the both of you." Captain Triplett said, "This is an unfortunate set of events for your first few weeks of marriage I'm afraid."
"It's alright Captain, I'm actually glad to have you here." Ellie Marie said, "I'm confident the only thing you are going to find is that my husband is a competent company clerk, and a good soldier who had nothing to do with the theft of that camera."
"And on that note." Colonel Potter said, "Captain Triplett, if you could give me just a minute to finish up a little business with my company clerk, we can head into my office." He turned to Klinger, "Corporal, are this week's requisitions ready for my—-"
"Hancock, comma, John, sir!" Klinger said, handing him a file.
"How are you coming with that detailed inventory of the supply room?"
"All completed, sir!"
"Isn't he unbelievable?" Hawkeye said, leaning over Triplett's shoulder.
"Now for the really tough one." Colonel Potter said, "Have you completed indexing the patient's medical records for the past year?"
"Oh come on Colonel…..he's only human!" B.J. complained.
"Cross-indexed to blood type, sir. Also to height, and mother's maiden name!" Klinger responded.
"Every so often I toss him a knuckleball, but wouldn't you know it, he always handles it." The Colonel said to Triplett.
"No time for blushing sir!" Klinger said formally, "I'm off to Post Op to read to the patients with eye damage!" He stood and saluted the Colonel before heading through the Post Op doors.
"Well….thanks to Klinger, the rest of my day's free!" The Colonel said with a smile, "Now what can I do you for, Captain?"
"Well Colonel I just need to get a few preliminary facts from you, then I'd like to go unpack my things….that is if Klinger hasn't beaten me to it."
They all laughed appreciatively as he and the Colonel went into his office. Once they closed the doors Ellie Marie shot her fellow Captains a look.
"You guys are gonna need a trowel soon with how thick you're laying it on…." She said.
"You ain't seen nothing yet missy." B.J. said, "We've got this whole camp primed and ready."
"By tonight you're going to find yourself married to Mother Teresa, the Dahli Llama and Albert Schweitzer all rolled into one." Hawkeye promised.
"All I care about is that I don't end up married to a wrongly convicted criminal." She retorted.
That evening, after one of the most surreal days she'd ever spent in the camp she made her way back up to the main office to find Klinger still at his desk.
"Well if it isn't the hero of 4077th." She teased, he looked up at her and smiled tiredly.
"I tell you what….being God's gift to clerking really takes it out of you. I'll be glad when this whole circus is over."
"You and me both, Corporal." She said, walking over to where he sat and tilting his head back so she could kiss him.
"You ready to call it a night?" She asked.
"I dunno G. I'm not sure we should risk it….maybe I should sleep up here tonight."
"Captain Triplett has completed his investigation, I heard him talking to B.J. and Hawkeye about it as they walked him down the road towards Rosie's. Which means A. nothing you do from this point on should really have that much affect, and B. It's highly unlikely he's going to be tromping back up here in the middle of the night to see where you're sleeping, and even if he did, it's not like you have a curfew that dictates when you have to be in your bed."
"You make a very compelling argument." He said with a smirk.
"I know I do." She teased, and she kissed him again, "Come on Corporal, it's been a long day. Why don't you take your wife home? I could make it an order if you want."
"No order necessarily ma'am." He said, standing up and wrapping his arms around her, "I'd be happy to."
They got the word bright and early the next from Colonel Potter that Captain Triplett had made his determination. They walked up the hill to his office, but the minute they opened the door Ellie Marie's heart plummeted. The look on the Colonel's face was anything but positive.
"Why don't you both have a seat?" He said.
"I really don't like the sound of that…." Klinger said, as they sat in the chairs across from him at his desk.
"Folks….it's moments like this when I wish I were still a buck private digging a trench on Vimy Ridge." The Colonel said with a sigh. Ellie Marie grabbed Klinger's hand and squeezed it tightly. He gave her an encouraging squeeze back.
"Just give it to me straight Colonel." He said calmly.
"Son, the official recommendation of Captain Triplett is that within the next few days you be brought up in charges for a special court martial."
"No!" Ellie Marie said sharply, "They can't do that. He didn't do anything!"
"It's ok baby…." Klinger said, squeezing her hand again.
"It is not ok!" She snapped, "They're trying to convict you of a crime you didn't even commit! I'm not just going to sit by and let my husband go to prison for somebody else's crime while whoever did it will probably be walking around this camp scott free!"
"I'm right there with you Ellie." The Colonel said, "but it's out of our hands now. The best chance we have is to get him a good defense at the hearing."
"This cannot be happening," Ellie Marie said, burying her face in her hands and trying hard to keep from crying.
"Alright Colonel….you know me, I'm a straight forward kinda guy," Klinger said, "so break it down. Worst case….what'll they do if I'm found guilty?"
"They'll probably give you six months." The Colonel replied.
"Alright…..six months….hey baby." He put a hand under her chin and made her look at him, "look I know this stinks, and believe me do I know how unfair it is….but we can do six months. I don't wanna, and I'll hate every second of it, but what's six months when we got the rest of our lives? We're gonna be ok."
"I hate throwing a dart in that optimistic balloon of yours, but that's six months hard labor." Colonel Potter said heavily.
"That's not great to hear…." Klinger replied quietly, but then he plastered his smile back on, "but hey….you'll say goodbye to a scrawny company clerk husband, and get well muscled Arabian Adonis back!" He winked at her.
"I'd rather just keep the one I have permanently." She said, brushing a tear from her eye.
"I'm really sorry to say….it gets worse lad." Colonel Potter continued, "They'll slap you with a dishonorable discharge which means no vet benefits plus a civilian criminal record dogging you for the rest of your life. Which again, I hate to say it….but could affect your acceptance to Harvard Ellie, now that he's your husband."
"And we're back to this is not happening……" She said, fighting hard against the tears in her eyes.
"What I don't understand is, even if I did it! Which obviously I didn't. Why are they making such a big deal over one lousy camera?" Klinger said in frustration.
"Well, they figure a big crime ring is behind all these thefts and they hope you'll lead them to the bigger sharks in the pond." Colonel Potter explained.
"Wonderful…." Klinger sighed.
"I know it doesn't help much but the Army did say if you can name some names they'd be willing to call the whole thing off."
"Colonel, the only way he could name names is if he was actually a crook! And he's not!" Ellie Marie said angrily.
"I wish I was…." Klinger said, "Then I could rat on my buddies and get off…."
"Well let's not get you fitted for a ball and chain just yet." Colonel Potter said. 'You've still got your day in court and you've got the truth on your side."
"With all due respect sir, at this point I'd rather have an unimpeachable paid off witness…." Klinger grumbled, and Ellie Marie lifted their entwined hands and kissed the back of his.
"You've got more important things to worry about right now. Like getting yourself a defense council." Colonel Potter said.
"My Uncle Harry's the best whiplash man in Toledo! But he's tied up right now. Can we put this off for 10 years to life?"
The Colonel chuckled slightly and shook his head.
"Don't worry about getting a real lawyer. In these parts the Army only uses officers. One for your side, one for their side." The Colonel explained, "You can even pick your own if you have someone in mind."
"And I'm guessing they'd probably consider her a no go huh?" Klinger said, nodding to Ellie Marie.
"I'm fairly sure that the Army would classify that as an emotional bias, yes." Colonel Potter agreed.
"But I know two other officers who owe us one hell of a favor." Ellie Marie pointed out, "I think it's about time we cash in."
———-
"I can't represent you! We're both witnesses for the prosecution!" Hawkeye said a few minutes later in the Swamp.
"Excuse me, you're what??" Ellie Marie snapped.
"Don't be like that! It's not like they gave us a choice in the matter!" Hawkeye said.
"Alright but here me out." Klinger said, "If one of the state's two star witnesses suddenly defends me to the hilt, then the whole case will be exposed for the ugly fabrication that it is!"
"I think that's what's known as a conflict of interest." B.J. said from his spot on his bed folding laundry.
"What? Are they paying you to torpedo me or something?" Klinger grumbled.
"They subpoenaed us! What were we supposed to do??" Hawkeye said angrily.
"Klinger….." Charles said from his desk, "Why are you trusting your future to the hands of a man who's sole legal knowledge is the age of consent in all 48 states?"
"That's what makes him perfect. He can talk anyone into anything…" Klinger replied.
"Just asked two thirds of the nursing staff." Ellie Marie muttered.
"My good people, you are missing the point." Charles said, turning to Ellie Marie and Klinger, "The court martial board is not going to be swayed by the carnal cliches of a third rate lothario. What you need for your defense is a man who will bring dignity and stature."
"Charles, Max spent our last 60 bucks on getting that stupid camera back for these lousy bums." Ellie Marie says, "how do you propose we go about getting someone professional like that?"
"I was proposing that you get me." Charles replied.
There was a moment of stunned silence and then both B.J. and Hawkeye started laughing.
"Charles Emerson Winchester, defender of the downtrodden." Hawkeye laughed.
"Charles, you do all the trodding. That's how they got down!" B.J. added.
"Shut up! Both of you." Ellie Marie said sharply, making their laughter stop abruptly, "At least he's trying to help!" She turned back to Charles, "Are you serious?" She asked.
"Entirely." He replied.
"Why?" Klinger asked, "You don't even like me. You're always calling me those long four letter words."
"Max….just because I express my frustration at your incompetence does not mean I do not like you. I have also expressed my admiration for your resourcefulness, and general talent for underhanded behavior."
"Do me a favor and don't put that last part in your opening arguments." Klinger said, making Charles smirk.
"Be that as it may, my feelings towards you one way or the other have no relevance here. I will defend you because I am the officer most qualified to do so. It is as simple as that." Charles stated, but as he did he caught Ellie Marie's eye and she understood the truth behind the look, tears pricked the corners of her eyes again.
"Thank you Charles." She said swallowing hard, "but I gotta say this is a pretty serious case. As a wife potentially about to lose her husband, I have to ask, what makes you think you can win?"
"Why not?" He replied lightly, "After all, what's an attorney but a graduate student who couldn't get into med school? It'll be a rare opportunity for litigious excitement. A thrust and parry of a verbal joust with a worthy opponent!"
"I don't understand a word he just said…." Klinger said, looking at him with confusion and admiration. "He's perfect."
"Don't do it Klinger." B.J. said, "Let I-Corps assign somebody."
"Oh sure, let's get him some apathetic clock puncher who just sees him as a number and doesn't care whether he wins or loses!" Ellie Marie snapped, "You don't get a vote here, witness for the prosecution!"
"Klinger, let me defend you." Charles said, "I promise you won't regret it. It'll be the most rational decision you've made since you chose her." He nodded at Ellie Marie. "Consider Klinger…." he continued. "The first syllable of Winchester is, 'win'."
"And you say we lay it on thick……" Hawkeye muttered, earning him a glare from Ellie Marie.
"Okay Major," Klinger said, holding his hand out, "You've got yourself a client."
————
"You look like a million bucks." Ellie Marie said, straightening the tie on Klinger's dress uniform.
"Yeah, let's just hope they don't think I stole 'em…." He replied, and she smirked.
"Just sit tall, answer their questions honestly, and try not to panic. You're innocent until proven guilty, and since you aren't guilty that works in your favor." She said.
"And I mean come on… How big of a case can they have against you when their two star witnesses are your best friends?" Hawkeye pointed out.
"On top of that Charles has the Colonel's deposition, and I know he put in a couple hundred good words for you." B.J. said.
"I know, I still wish he could have been here in distinguished person though…" Klinger said nervously looking towards the front.
"Time to start," Charles said, motioning to him.
Ellie Marie kissed him quickly and then went to take her seat in the back of the small courtroom next to Hawkeye and B.J.
"All rise for the Honorable Colonel John Drake." The bailiff stated, and as they stood a middle aged man walked into the room and took his seat.
"Be seated." He said, "This special court martial of the United States Army versus Maxwell Q. Klinger is now in session. The defendant is charged with one count of grand theft. We will now entertain opening statements by council."
"Thank you Mr. President." Charles said, before addressing the room, "Members of the court, my worthy opponent," he smirked in the direction of the very young prosecutor, "I shall be brief. I intend to prove to the tribunal that my client is totally innocent of the malicious and unfounded charges which have been brought against him. And though my learned colleague with his months of experience undoubtedly believes otherwise, I shall hold the Army accountable for the vindictive manner in which it is prosecuting an innocent man!"
"Watch the grandstanding Charles…..just stick to the facts…." Ellie Marie muttered nervously to herself.
"Major Winchester…." The judge cut across him, "you're out of order."
"Out of order??" Charles said, looking scandalized. "Your Honor how could I possibly be—-"
"The prosecution speaks first." The judge explained.
"Oh….of course he does." Charles said, sitting down quickly.
"Well that's a great start….." Hawkeye sighed next to her.
After the prosecutor, who's name was Captain Rollins, made his opening remarks he called Hawkeye to the stand.
"Alright, watch me go be the biggest mistake a prosecutor has ever made." He said quietly, as he got up and walked to the stand.
"Now then Captain Pierce, this shouldn't take long." Rollins said, "For the record, I have your statement declaring that the camera found in the defendant's possession was the same camera you reported stolen. This is your signature correct?"
"Yes….but when I signed that, I didn't—-"
"Thank you Captain, you answered my question." Rollins cut across him, "and according to you the camera was stolen four days before Corporal Klinger officially sent in the paperwork to claim it as stolen."
"Yes, because I was the one who originally filled out the paperwork and I did it wrong!" Hawkeye snapped.
"Why would a doctor be filling out a stolen goods report when that is clearly the job of a company clerk?"
"Because he wasn't even in Korea at the time! He was on his honeymoon in Tokyo! You want proof of his innocence, his lawyer has his approved RR request right there in his folder!"
"I might point out Captain, that an RR request simply states where Captain Klinger was intended to be. RR in Tokyo does make quite the convenient alibi."
"Objection your Honor. Both leading the witness and speculation." Charles interjected.
"Mr. President, although the prosecution has subpoenaed him, Captain Pierce is a friend of the defendant and he has repeatedly expressed reluctance to testify against him. Clearly he is a hostile witness, and pursuant to Uniform Code of Military Justice, I believe it is my right to employ a greater latitude when questioning him." Rollins countered.
"My my you have done your homework Captain Rollins." Charles said snidely, "How appropriate for a schoolboy."
"Shut up Charles….." Ellie Marie muttered anxiously.
"Objection overruled. Proceed Captain Rollins." The judge said.
"Now then Captain Pierce, you claim that the defendant was in Tokyo at the time of the theft but with the exception in his initial RR form, there is no record of him ever having traveled there. No witnesses have come forward to corroborate that he was in fact in Tokyo."
"His wife is sitting right there!" Hawkeye almost shouted, pointing back at Ellie Marie, "I'd be willing to bet she can corroborate every minute of his ten days down to the most excruciatingly intimate detail!"
"It's interesting that you bring up Captain Lennox." Rollins continued, unaffected by Hawkeye's outburst, "because hers happens to be the only name on any of the documents associated with this trip besides the aforementioned initial RR form. Flights, accommodations, even visits to the theater all under the name Captain Ellie Marie Lennox, it's almost as if Corporal Max Klinger was nowhere to be found."
"She's an officer!" Hawkeye said, "of course they used her name, it got them better perks."
"Convenient." Rollins said.
"Objection!" Charles said again, "what relevance does this have to my clients guilt or innocence?"
"The credibility of his alibi?" Rollins said incredulously looking at Charles, "I'd say quite a lot Major."
"Overruled." The judge said, "Continue Captain."
"Captain Pierce, you have already signed a statement saying that Corporal Klinger was in possession of your stolen goods. We've established that there is, at this time, no concrete evidence to show that he was in fact in Tokyo at the alleged time of the theft, and his report by your admission was filed several days after the theft occurred. So my final question to you is this. Can you say here on the stand, under penalty of perjury, that there is no feasible way that Corporal Klinger could have foregone his trip to Tokyo and come back to the 4077th secretly, to steal your camera and other items of value?" Hawkeye sighed deeply.
"No….I can't." He said, looking down at his hands.
"Thank you Captain." Rollins said, "Your witness Major. I have no further questions."
"I should say not." Charles shot at him, as he stood.
"Captain Pierce, would Klinger steal your camera?" He asked.
"No!" Hawkeye said emphatically.
"Objection!" Rollins said.
"Sustained."
———-
"Well….that could have gone better." Klinger sighed after the court adjourned for the day.
"Famous last words that Custer spoke to the Indians…." Ellie Marie said, hugging him tighter to her side.
"Ellie Marie! We do not need that sort of defeatist attitude. We may have had a sound beating today, but tomorrow is another day." Charles said, "We still have Maxwell's testimony, and the Colonel's character witness. All is not lost, now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go back to my room to prepare for our next battle!" Charles walked away from them and down the hallway.
"And those were General Custer's last words before the stand began…." Klinger said heavily.
"Hey listen….we gotta head back to camp." Hawkeye said, "now that our great damage has been done if we don't head home we're AWOL. Klinger I'm so sorry again…."
"It's not your fault Doc….the kid's a bulldog." Klinger said, "Maybe I shoulda taken your advice and let the Army give me a lawyer B.J."
"It wouldn't have mattered either way. He's got a pretty airtight case with that whole no record of you in Tokyo thing." Ellie Marie said, "I'm kicking myself for putting everything in my name and always using cash!"
"Baby how were we supposed to know we were gonna need proof I was there?" He said, "we were on our honeymoon. We weren't thinking about leaving a paper trail."
"Well look, we're not giving up." B.J. said, "the fact of the matter is, there's an actual thief out there and we're on the hunt. You best believe if we catch him we'll have him hog tied and in front of that judge faster than you can say 'free at last' Klinger."
"Thanks guys….I really appreciate it." He replied, he turned to Ellie Marie, "you should go with them. No sense you staying here and sleeping on a hard bed eating bad food, and getting up in the morning to sit through all that again. Sentencing isn't until Thursday. Go home and get some rest."
"Like hell…." She said, "if you think I'm leaving your side for one damn second you really are an idiot." He kissed her.
"I think she loves you Max." B.J. said with a smile.
"Yeah…." Klinger said, tracing her cheek with his thumb, "She always was a nut job….."
Later that night as they lay together on the small army cot that had been provided for him in his room in the barracks, wrapped tightly around one another, Klinger kissed the top of her head and sighed.
"Baby….I've been thinking a lot about what's gonna happen next…..and I think I know what we need to do….but you're not gonna like it." He said.
"No Max." She said, firmly not needing him to explain himself.
"Ellie……" He sighed, and she picked her head up off his chest so she could look at him.
"I meant it." She said, "Absolutely not. There's no way. For better or worse remember? I know we weren't expecting the worse so soon, but I'm not going anywhere."
"Baby I can't be the stone around your neck that drags you down with me! You heard the Colonel, if I get convicted I've got a criminal record. They could kick you out of Harvard for being married to me. You think I could live with myself if that happened??"
"You think Harvard would mean a damn thing to me if I had to lose you to get it?" Ellie Marie shot back, "None of it matters without you anymore Max. You and me, our future is the only thing I want. No matter what it looks like."
"You'll resent me." He said quietly, "not for a while, but as time goes on and all the things you wanted get further away and your stuck in some crummy house with your ex con husband who has to work odd jobs to make ends meet while your waitressing at some skeevy diner, you'll end up hating me for taking it all away."
"Maxwell." Ellie Marie said, sitting up and looking down at him, "First of all, there's no guarantee I'm going to get kicked out of Harvard. I have a pretty impressive academic and now military record of my own you know. Secondly, even if I did and I am 100% on board to roll the dice on that with you no matter what, it's not like I'd be blacklisted from everywhere! Heck I'm changing my specialty to psychiatry! I bet one of those hippy dippy, anti war, feminist schools like Berklee would be salivating to have a female Harvard reject with a disgraced service man husband, and then we could even go visit Peg and B.J. on the weekends. The point is." She moved so she was on top of him and pressed her forehead to his, "I am not leaving you, and I am not giving up my dreams either. If worse comes to worst, you'll go do your six months, I'll finish out the last eight on my contract and then won't renew it, and we'll meet up stateside and figure out what our next move is from there, ok?" He closed his eyes, and a tear leaked out the corner of one.
"Ok…" He said quietly.
"You're stuck with me Toledo. Forever." She said gently, "When you're a little old man with hair in your ears giving your grandkids a hard time I'm still going to be right there next to you. So get used to it."
"I love you so much."
"I love you too." She said, and he pulled her down to kiss her.
After another twenty four hours of what Ellie Marie could only describe as a painful death by a thousand cuts, Charles' absolute absurdity of a defense rested, and she walked into the courtroom for the last time on Thursday morning preparing herself for the worst. Klinger squeezed her hand tightly.
"Whatever happens baby. I love you." He said.
"And I love you." She said, squeezing his hand back. He took his place next Charles as the judge entered the chambers.
"Are the members prepared to issue a verdict?" He asked.
"We are your honor. We the members of the special court martial find you, the accused Maxwell Q. Klinger."
The doors at the back of the room suddenly slammed open and there was a scuffle with the M.Ps beside them.
"It's ok Sergeant we're on our side." Hawkeye said, as he and B.J. walked into the room half dragging a man between them.
"Sorry to interrupt Colonel Drake," He said to the judge.
"But we'd be sorrier if we didn't." B.J. added.
"What's going on here?" Snapped Rollins.
"Only a little ex post facto, habeas corpus flagrante delicto, delightful delovely." Hawkeye replied.
"Captain, you are interrupting a United States Army court martial, and you better have a good explanation!" The judge barked.
"What are you doing? Have you no regard for the sanctity of these proceedings?" Charles snapped.
"I'm proceeding right to the stockade! Let 'em talk!" Klinger said, smacking his arm.
"You can't do that!" Charles retorted.
"Yes, I can. You're fired." Klinger said, pushing past him towards Hawkeye and B.J., "Will you get to the point?"
"Talk is cheap." B.J. said, "Especially when a picture is worth a thousand words." He held up a Polaroid photo.
"See there was always a piece of the puzzle we just couldn't find." Hawkeye explained, "and thanks to Captain Rollins inspired third degree….it finally dawned on us."
"You see, he kept harping on all the places the Klinger couldn't prove that he wasn't. Which made us finally start to think about who wasn't around every time the theft had happened." B.J. explained.
"And the answer was us." Hawkeye continued, "We realized all the thefts took place while we were in surgery. So when we got back to camp we staged a phony O.R. session."
"Light fingered Louie here thought everyone was in surgery. So Captain Pierce and I put Major Winchester's tape recorder on display." B.J. explained.
"You what?" Charles snapped, but B.J. silenced him with a look.
Ellie Marie grabbed the back of the bench in front of her and took a deep steadying breath, willing herself not to get her hopes up too high.
"While we lurked in the shadows, our model thief here came by to have his picture taken." B.J. said, walking up and handing the picture to the judge. "I think he looks better with the cuffs on though. Don't you Your Honor?"
"Corporal….." The judge said slowly, "You were about to be found guilty. But in light of this new evidence, I think your friends here have helped us avert a serious miscarriage of justice. Case dismissed." He banged his gavel, and Ellie Marie sat frozen in wide eyed shock.
"I beat the rap…." Klinger said, looking dazed as if he couldn't even believe it himself. He turned and made eye contact with her as she suddenly found her feet and ran full speed down the aisle launching herself into his arms, and kissing him over and over again.
"There you are Max…." Charles said from over his shoulder, "Told you I'd get you off…."
———-
"Guys, I can't just take your camera…" Max said.
"Yes you can. We paid for it." Ellie Marie said, picking it up off the table and taking a picture of him with it, "your first picture as a free man. From this moment on I'm taking pictures of every single place you go, for documentation."
"She's right though Klinger, letting you have the camera is the least we can do, for all the trouble you went through." B.J. said.
"Yeah but you guys made up for it coming through in the clutch like that." Klinger said. "Man, that was some sneaky and underhanded scheming. Gotta say I'm kinda proud."
"We learned from the best." Hawkeye said, "who, if the Army asks, is absolutely not our wonderful and upstanding company clerk." They all laughed.
"Alright you wonderful and upstanding con artist….Let's go outside and take a picture of you and the missus in front of your first home, now that we know you're gonna get to stay in it for a while." B.J. said.
"Gotta say I've never seen someone quite so excited to stay in Korea." Hawkeye said, as they walked outside, "a year ago, six months and a dishonorable discharge would have been the start of a solid Max Klinger scheme."
"Sir, I'd leave Korea tomorrow if the opportunity presented itself." Klinger said, wrapping an arm around Ellie Marie as they posed for the picture, "It's her I'm never leaving. So as long as she's here, so am I."