Chapter 30

Kaylee rested her head against Ezra's shoulder. His arms were around her, her arms looped around his neck, swaying to the quiet music that was playing in the bar. She closed her eyes and couldn't hold back the contented sigh that escaped. She tightened her arms around him with a squeeze.

His fingers stroked lightly against her lower back. "Happy?" he asked, not moving his head from where his cheek rested against her hair.

Kaylee couldn't find words, they were caught somewhere behind the swell of emotion in her throat. She managed a nod, the fabric of his cotton pearl snap shirt rubbing against her cheek. She opened her eyes, blinking back moisture and looked at their friends at the table. Their family.

Vin shifted in his seat, one hand rubbing absently at his injured knee, but he smiled at something Buck said, his pain apparently falling by the wayside with the distraction. JD was pulling Casey to her feet bringing her towards the makeshift dance floor while her cheeks flushed pink. Josiah lifted his beer in a toast to Nathan and Nathan tapped his bottle against Josiah's. And Chris was nursing his own beer, taking in the group with a look of contentment on his face that Kaylee rarely saw.

She didn't want to lose any of them.

Her fingers pressed into the skin at the back of Ezra's neck and she tried to let the touch, the contact with him, anchor her.

"Are you alright?" Ezra asked, concern pushing away the easy contentment that had been in his voice moments before.

"Yeah," Kaylee managed. She turned her face to bury it against his chest. Took a deep breath of the scent of his soap and aftershave. And she would be alright. She just had to get together the last of the money she owed Cletus and she could move on with her life. She could forget about Nebraska, about what she had done, and there wouldn't be any secrets between her and Ezra anymore.

"I'm just so happy right now," she said, her voice cracking.

She just needed to win. She needed to finish out the coming week with solid runs. She had to win the overall prize money. Then she could send it back home and be free.

Not back home. Nebraska wasn't home anymore. Ezra was home.

She moved closer to Ezra.

"I'm happy, too," he murmured close to her ear.

A call from the table sounded and Kaylee looked to see Buck lifting his hand in a goodbye. "I got a pretty lady waitin' on me," he said with a grin splitting his face. "Real good of you to set this up, Ezra."

Josiah was pushing back his chair. "And I have a meeting with Miss Dubonnet's last show of the night." He crossed to Ezra and Kaylee and dropped a hand on Ezra's shoulder. "Nice of you to get us together."

"It wasn't for me," Ezra said and Josiah smiled and winked at Kaylee. "Sure thing, brother. You just keep telling yourself you don't need us just as much as we need you."

Ezra have Josiah a bland look and a deep chuckle rolled out of Josiah. "I'll see you both tomorrow." Whistling to himself, he picked up his hat from the table and headed for the door.

Nathan was handing Vin his crutches, helping him to his feet, Chris getting up with them.

"Should we call it a night as well?" Ezra asked.

Kaylee pressed her lips together to hold back her deep sigh. The night had been a break from reality, from thinking about Cletus and the money she owed him, but she needed to focus on her ride tomorrow. On winning.

She tried to fight back the feeling of desperate panic that pushed up. "Yeah. Let's call it a night," she said.

She linked her fingers with Ezra, holding on tight, knowing she could so easily lose everything she had found.

#

"You should've come to the rodeo last night," Buck said. "You could've met everyone." He leaned back on his pillow, watching the brunette search the floor for her clothes. Every move she made was captivating.

Inez paused long enough to give him a look. "Met your friends?" she asked. Shaking her head slightly, she found her shirt and kept looking for the rest of her things.

Buck was momentarily distracted by how she looked in one of his shirts. Shaking his head slightly, he tried to keep his tone light. "Or come out with us. Ezra put together a night out a few nights ago. You could've come along with everyone. With me."

He pretended the pity in her eyes didn't bother him. That he didn't even notice.

"Buck," she said gently.

He cut her off before she could say what he knew was coming. "I know. We're just havin' a good time. Not dating." But then he couldn't stop himself. "But we could be."

Inez shook her head. She started to head toward the bathroom, her clothes in her arms.

Buck called after her. "Or you could come back to Colorado with me." He didn't know where that came from. But as soon as he said it, he knew it was right.

There was silence in the camper. And then Inez came slowly back into the bedroom.

Buck didn't take it back. He stayed still, giving Inez his most charming smile.

This time there was more stubbornness than pity in her eyes. "I do not follow cowboys around," she said.

Buck shook his head. "I ain't asking you to follow me around. I'm…" What was he doing? "I'm tryin' to spend more time with you."

"I have a job here," she said. "Friends, an apartment. I am not some buckle bunny who will drop everything because the great Buck Wilmington has asked me to come along with him." Her accent got thicker as her annoyance built.

"I never—I never said I was the great anything!" Buck sputtered. He jumped up from the bed. "I was just askin'—just tryin'—I don't want to leave you!"

Her expression closed off. "We knew from the start this wasn't going to be anything lasting," Inez said. "It wasn't supposed to be more than one night. And I…" she frowned.

"You ended up here for the last eight nights," Buck finished for her. HE wanted to tell her it had been the best eight nights of his life, but the way things were going, he was worried that meant he wouldn't get the tenth night with her. The last night they would be together before JD checked out of the motel and came back to the camper and they headed home to Four Corners, Colorado.

"I did," she said. And then she must have seen something behind the easy going smile Buck was trying for because she set her things down at the foot of the bed and crossed to him.

"And they were good nights," Buck said, his smile growing more relaxed as she moved closer.

"Very good nights," she agreed.

"Great nights."

"Great nights," she said. She cocked her head and moved closer so she brushed against him. She let her lips caress his. "Let's not ruin what we have, sí?"

Buck wasn't even sure what the question was anymore with the way she was getting close to him. "Sí," he answered, giving in to whatever Inez wanted in that moment.

#

Kaylee followed Ezra toward their camper. She had won again and it was enough to give her some confidence that, with a good enough run tomorrow night, the tenth and last night of Finals, she would place in the top three. Maybe even the top place. It would be enough money to buy off Cletus and finally be able to breathe.

Ezra unlocked the door and held it open. Kaylee's phone buzzed and she pulled it from her pocket, not recognizing the number, but seeing the Nebraska area code.

"I'll…I'll be inside in a minute," she said.

Ezra glanced at her phone. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah," Kaylee said, her smile feeling brittle. "I'll be right in."

Ezra studied her and Kaylee felt the phone vibrate against her hand. She tapped the screen to answer.

"Hello?"

Turning her attention from Ezra, she heard him go inside.

"Kaitlin?"

Kaylee nearly dropped the phone. She quickly looked behind her to make sure Ezra was in the camper and gripped the phone tighter as she hurried to put some space between her and the camper.

"Kaitlin? You there?"

"Yeah, I'm…" Kaylee swallowed hard and fought to get a breath, to slow the sudden thudding of her heart. "I'm here." She slowly blew her breath out through pursed lips. "I'm here, Mom."

Her mother's voice was raspy and Kaylee listened for the slur that would tell her how much her mother had drank that evening. If she had taken pills.

"I miss you, baby," came Tammy Rollins' voice.

Something in Kaylee clenched. "I miss you, too," she whispered.

"Then come home," there was a familiar hint of desperation in Tammy's voice. "I need you."

"I can't," Kaylee said. "I told you that." She didn't want to think of the day she had left home for good last spring. The way her mother had begged her to stay, then threatened her for leaving. The way Kaylee had feared her mother would overdose if Kaylee left her.

But she had also known she couldn't survive another day in that house. Not with the constant ups and downs of her mother's moods. Not with the drugs and drinking her mother found money for, but never for food or rent. Kaylee couldn't take the pressure.

And now she had Ezra. She wasn't going to give that up for what she had left behind. What she was trying to leave behind.
"Cletus was right," Tammy said, annoyance taking a sharper edge than the desperation.

"You talked to him?" Kaylee felt her heart lurch into her throat.

There was a moment of silence that answered Kaylee's question. But she didn't know why she was surprised. Cletus had been supplying her mom with drugs for as long as Kaylee could remember. Whatever her mother had promised while trying to get Kaylee to stay with her had clearly been forgotten.

"He said you're in trouble. That you owe him money."

Kaylee had managed to ignore her reality as much as possible in spite of Cletus' phone calls. But hearing it said out loud, so bluntly, from someone besides Cletus hammered the reality in.

"I'm paying him back," Kaylee said. "He shouldn't have said anything to you." She squeezed her eyes shut, wishing away everything that was following her.

"He said you could pay him back everything by coming home. You could work for him and he'd count it even." Tammy's voice rose with hope. "You could come back home with me."

"I can't," Kaylee whispered.

"You can't," Tammy repeated. "You can't come home to help me when I need you? To make things right with Cletus?" Her voice started to raise. "He said he won't sell me anything until you settle your debt."

Kaylee bit her lips between her teeth. She fought the urge to throw her phone across the filled parking lot, letting it get destroyed beneath the tires of a camper or truck.

"So that's just it? You walked out and left me on my own and now you're not going to come home? You're going to mess things up with Cletus and not even try to fix it?"

"Mom," Kaylee said, her voice shaking. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make things worse for you."

"That's not a lot of help when I'm shaking so bad I can hardly see straight and can't get anything from Cletus to take the edge off!" Tammy was yelling now.

"I have to go," Kaylee said. "I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry." She hung up as her mom started to tell her how much she needed her.

She kept her eyes closed, wishing she hadn't answered her phone.

She drew in several breaths, trying to wash away the feelings of guilt and shame and anger that stirred together.

She heard Barney's low bark from inside the camper and Ezra's answering voice, his words too quiet to carry all the way to her.

Ezra.

She couldn't let any of this ruin what she had found with Ezra.

She stuck her phone in her pocket and headed back toward the camper.

Ezra was standing near the window when she came in. "Is everything alright?" he asked.

Kaylee tried. She tried to reassure him she was fine. But all she managed was a shake of her head. Things were not alright. Not at all.

She dropped onto the couch, Barney coming over with a whine and resting his head on her knee.

Ezra didn't say anything, just sat next to her, waiting.

"It was my mom," Kaylee said. She felt her lips start to tremble.

Ezra's hand was warm on her back and Kaylee focused on that instead of all the things her mom had said.

"I can't—I can't talk about it," Kaylee managed to get out. She slid a look toward him, cringing.

"Believe me, I understand," Ezra said, his lips twisting wryly. "You've met Maude," he reminded her.

Kaylee nodded, remembering how Maude had broken Ezra. The camper was silent, and Kaylee thought about her last run tomorrow. If she could win, she wouldn't have to worry about her mom or Cletus. She wouldn't have to think about any of this anymore.

She had to win tomorrow. A knot of panic started growing, choking out thoughts of anything else. She had to win.

#

Vin knocked on the door to Ezra and Kaylee's camper. He expected to hear Kaylee call for him to come in. Instead, Ezra came to the door and opened it. Without comment, Ezra went back into the camper.

Vin maneuvered his crutches up the couple steps. Ezra's silence was mildly concerning, but the look on his face set Vin's instincts on edge. Something was wrong.

Kaylee was at the small dinette table, an uneaten plate of food in front of her. Her attention was fixed out the window, but Vin got the idea she wasn't seeing anything. Her thumbnail was between her teeth and she worried away at her thumb while her legs jostled in place.

Vin glanced at Ezra. "Nerves?" he asked under his breath. Though he had watched Kaylee run all summer and never seen her look even mildly concerned about her performance. Even when she had looked nervous, it had been about hazing for him and hadn't looked anything like this.

Ezra shook his head in answer. He was clearly just as lost as Vin.

Vin moved forward on his crutches. "You got plans for your last full day in Vegas?" he asked, as if she didn't look like she was ready to unravel right in front of him and Ezra.

Kaylee's attention jerked away from the window at Vin's question and she blinked like she hadn't realized anyone else was there.

"You and Ezra doing anything special before your last ride tonight?" Vin tried again when she didn't answer.

Kaylee looked confused by his question and Vin wondered if she was hearing anything he said over her own anxiety. She finally shook her head. "Just focusing on the ride," she said, before going back to chewing on her thumbnail.

Ezra was apparently willing to keep trying for normalcy. He slid Kaylee's plate towards her slightly. "You should eat."

Kaylee looked down at the plate, then up at Ezra. The expression that crossed her face when she looked at Ezra only grew Vin's concern. The way she looked at him like she was grieving was alarming.

But then she pushed her chair back and muttered something about getting over to the arena and getting some practice runs in.

Ezra started going for his keys, setting on the counter, but Kaylee shook her head. "I'll walk. Clear my head and…think…about things," she said. She still looked like she was anywhere else but with Vin and Ezra in the camper.

She sat down on the couch and picked up her boots. She paused, studying them, one finger moving to trace the KS stitched onto them. She looked from the initials up to Ezra and again, that panic stricken look of grief took over her face. Ezra looked just as confused at Vin felt.

When Kaylee's attention turned to getting her boots on, Ezra spoke quietly to Vin.

"I don't think she slept last night. There were…nightmares. And she's been like this all morning."

"This all about winning tonight?" Vin asked. He knew Kaylee needed more than just a clean run to win the title, she needed one of her fastest times, but he hadn't realized it was that important to her.

"I don't know," Ezra said, looking on edge himself.

Kaylee stood and grabbed her hat off the chair. She paused when Ezra put a hand on her arm, when he wrapped his other around her waist and pulled her towards him.

Vin turned away, trying to give them some privacy, but not before he saw Kaylee lean her head against Ezra and squeeze her eyes shut, her mouth a tight line.

And then she was pushing away from Ezra and heading out the door. It closed behind her and Vin looked at Ezra.

"What was that?" he asked.

Ezra frowned. "I told her—I promised her—that her performance tonight makes no difference. That I have finances to provide and she isn't destitute as she was before."

Vin heard the defensiveness in Ezra's voice.

"I know that, Ez," he said. He shifted on his crutches, trying to find a more comfortable position. "We all know that. You've been taking good care of Kaylee. Of your wife," he said with a small smile.

Ezra's expression didn't ease.

Vin looked out the window, he could see Kaylee run a hand through her hair. Even from this distance her agitation was obvious.

"She'll run tonight and see it's fine. That there's always next year. Just making it to Finals is a big deal." Vin glanced at Ezra. Ezra didn't look like he was buying Vin's words any more than Vin himself was.

Ezra ran a hand over his hair. "I'm going over to the arena. I should be there."

Vin knew what the unspoken words were. That Ezra should be there for Kaylee even if she insisted she was fine. Because she clearly wasn't.

#

Ezra watched Kaylee's hands shake as she pulled at the cinch to tighten it. Her mare sidestepped, clearly picking up on Kaylee's nerves. Ezra didn't say anything, just moving closer to Alcott to calm her while Kaylee focused on her task.

The horse had been jumpy when Kaylee had made her practice runs. She had missed a barrel entirely, sliding and turning to quickly on the first one, during her practice earlier. Everything about Kaylee was setting her horse on edge and nothing Ezra had tried was helping.

He didn't think Kaylee had managed to choke down more than a couple bites of the tacos he had picked up for lunch. She had refused to leave the arena for most the day.

"You're going to do great," he said, opting for a reassurance that hadn't worked yet today.

"If I don't—" Kaylee turned her bright eyes from her saddle to him. It was the first time she had met his eyes all day.

Ezra ran his hand over her arm, wanting to put her at ease. He could feel the tightness in her muscles. But it was the fear in her eyes that knifed at him.

"If you don't," he said, trying to keep his voice steady and reassuring, "then we still go home together. And we work to get ready for next year. But nothing changes."

It was the wrong thing to say, though for the life of him, Ezra couldn't figure out why.

"Nothing changes," she repeated, her voice shaking, her eyes losing some of the fear only to be replaced with desperation. "I can't—I can't—it can't stay this way," she said, but Ezra didn't think she was talking to him. She pulled away from him. "I can't keep—" She cut her words off, looking at him. Lifted shaking hands to her face and rubbed them over her forehead.

"You can't keep…what?" he asked, feeling his own sort of desperation at whatever it was she was holding back from him. Frustration built when she just shook her head. Whatever it was that she had been keeping from him was clearly still there. He had been telling himself it didn't matter, that she was entitled to her privacy. Whatever the phone calls and her adamancy to not talk about Nebraska were about, they were her past. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't convince himself of that.

"Nothing," she said. She grabbed at the bridle hanging on the outside of Alcott's stall and got the bit in the horse's mouth, the headstall in place. Her hands were trembling too much to buckle the bridle. Ezra took the leather from her hands and quickly buckled it.

Kaylee took the reins and started to lead her mare out to warm up, but Ezra stopped her.

"I'm here," he said, not sure what more he could say to reassure her.

She nodded, but Ezra didn't let her brush off his words so easily. He stopped her again, brushing his fingers over her neck. "I mean it," he said. "No matter what, I'm here." For someone who had made a career out of convincing people to believe him whether he was telling the truth or not, he couldn't seem to make his wife believe that they would figure out whatever she was fighting together.

"Good luck," he said, when she didn't give him any more of a response.

"Thanks," she said. But then she paused and stood up on her toes, kissing him soundly, desperation mixed with a commitment that left Ezra no doubt as to her feelings for him in spite of whatever else was going on. He curled his fingers around her arms, wanting to hold her there, let his lips convince her of what his words hadn't been able to.

But then she pulled away, and in spite of the flush on her cheeks, she didn't look reassured. Giving him a small quirk of her lips that wasn't close to a smile, she led her horse down the aisle, leaving Ezra standing alone.

He slapped a hand against his jeans. He didn't know how he was supposed to help her when she wouldn't let him in. And the lingering worries he had about her were growing.

He went back over to the arena, scanning the men milling behind the chutes until he found Vin and Chris. Buck and JD were striding toward them and Ezra couldn't hold back the small smile the formed in spite of his worry about Kaylee at the look on JD's face.

Chris held out a hand and gave Buck a firm handshake. JD was nearly bouncing in place next to him and Chris gave him a hard clap on the shoulder.

"Congratulations, kid," Chris offered.

"Mighty impressive," Vin added, balancing on one crutch to shake JD's hand.

"That's big money," JD said, his face lit up brighter than the Vegas lights. "I don't know what I'm going to do with our winnings. And did you see the buckle the winners get?"

Ezra spoke. "With your winnings, you'll be able to move out of Nettie Wells' basement apartment." He kept his amusement hidden at the look of alarm on JD's face.

"Move out?" JD asked.

"Of course," Ezra said. "No one would expect you to continue renting that minuscule space now that you're a champion roper."

"They wouldn't?"

"Of course not. I would assume Mrs. Wells is already preparing a listing for the rental."

"Oh." JD's shoulders started to slump forward dejectedly and Chris finally took pity on the youngest of their group.

"Ezra's joking, JD," he said. "I don't think Nettie—or Casey—would let you move out without a fight."

JD's head snapped up and he looked at Chris, then over to Ezra as if for confirmation.

"I'm only attempting to keep you grounded after your win," Ezra said.

A grin split JD's face. "You're just—" He looked over at Buck, at Vin, and he finally picked up on the humor. He pointed a finger at Ezra. "One of these days, Ezra, you're going to meet your match."

"I'd say he already has," Buck said, but the mention of Kaylee had his smile fading to serious concern. He looked at Ezra in question. "She doin' alright? She looked frazzled during her practice runs earlier."

Ezra didn't know how to answer. Any humor fled. He had every suspicion Kaylee was not doing alright and that it had very little to do with the rodeo. He didn't have to answer, though, the announcer was overhead bringing the crowd's attention to the start of the barrel racing performance.

Ezra moved closer to the fence. He could see Kaylee at the entrance to the arena on Alcott. The horse looked like she was barely manageable and Kaylee didn't look much more contained. The mare spun wildly in place and Kaylee gathered the reins, fighting for control, gaining it only for her horse to rear slightly before going into another spin.

"That horse is picking up all her tension," Vin commented, from where he had moved alongside Ezra.

Ezra didn't respond. He was used to seeing Alcott's anticipation of a run, but this wasn't anything like that. This was bordering on out of control.

Kaylee's horse pitched to the side, hitting the metal gate with a clang.

Kaylee and her horse spun in another wild circle before Kaylee let her go and started a sprint toward the arena. By the time she approached the first barrel, the mare was going at a breakneck pace, showing no sign of slowing to make the turn.

"What is she doing?" Buck asked.

Ezra had no idea. He had seen Kaylee make clean runs all season. She had a good head for bringing the horse in slower when she needed to, to keep the run clean with tight turns that ultimately gave her a faster time overall. The way she was running tonight…

"She ain't thinking," Vin said.

Ezra couldn't respond. He saw Kaylee shift her attention to the next barrel too soon, making Alcott respond by veering wildly, dirt churning up behind her hooves, and then Kaylee fighting to get the mare back on the straightest path to the second barrel.

Kaylee was leaning forward over her horse's neck, clearly willing her to give her more speed, something she didn't need as they skidded too wide around the second barrel.

The picture of Kaylee and her horse going down months ago surfaced and Ezra couldn't see anything else. He didn't want to see her slamming into a barrel like that again. See her lying unmoving in the dirt.

"Slow down," he said under his breath, the words coming from him without him realizing it.

But she didn't. She hit the third barrel, sending it careening, rocking, but it stayed up. Ezra could see her face tighten in determination for the straight run out of the arena. She stretched out nearly flat over Alcott's neck, her heels kicking the horse's sides, using the ends of her reins to spur her horse faster.

Josiah was on the side of the aisle Kaylee raced out and he jumped back out of the way, pressing back into the gates at Kaylee's wild exit.

Kaylee leaned back, pulling the reins, getting Alcott to skid to a stop before whirling her around to look up at the clock.

Ezra could see Kaylee's chest heaving from exertion just as much as her horse's sides. She looked like she barely noticed the horse sidestepping and dancing underneath her, waiting for her time to flash onto the scoreboard.

Ezra followed her gaze up and waited for the time.

19 seconds.

He immediately looked to Kaylee. There was no way she was winning the night. And it was slow enough to take her out of contention for any overall win for the week.

The stricken look on her face was like a physical blow to Ezra. And then a silent sob shaking her shoulders. He could see Josiah walking toward her, but Kaylee was still staring up at her time, her breath coming faster until she wheeled her horse around and went around the corner and out of sight.

He had no idea why winning had become so important to her, but he didn't care about the reason right then. He just needed to get to her.

#