Chapter 40

Kaylee paused to catch her breath. The cold November wind stung her cheeks, helping with the dizziness that seemed nearly constant. The near daily tension headache was her other companion.

"You up to working another colt?" Chris asked.

Kaylee forced herself to straighten up, hating the concerned frown lines on Chris' face. "Yeah, I want to see how Blue does today," she said. "He kept picking up the wrong lead yesterday, but when he gets that down, he's going to be a good ride."

Chris nodded, but didn't move to take the horse he was leading into the barn.

Kaylee tried to feign energy she didn't feel. In the 6 weeks since Maude's visit, she hadn't managed more than a couple restless of hours of sleep at a time, tossing and turning, trying to turn off thoughts of Cletus and lying to Ezra that threatened to overwhelm her at night.

"I'll go get Blue," Kaylee said, heading into the barn and away from Chris' sharp gaze.

She led the two year old out of his stall, putting him in crossties, ignoring Chris' presence at the other end of the barn aisle as he took the saddle off his horse.

"How did Quickstep do?"

Kaylee looked up over the blue roan's back to see Ezra leading in the horse he had been riding. She felt some of her tension ease at his presence.

"Good," Kaylee said. "I just warmed him up. Buck's on him now, swinging a rope."

Ezra tied his horse at the stall next to the one Kaylee had pulled Blue out of.

They worked in silence together, brushing down horses, Ezra taking off the saddle, and Kaylee going to get one. She lifted the saddle on over the saddle pad, the weight feeling heavier than it should. Black dots edged into her vision and she blinked quickly, trying to clear her eyes. She got the saddle in place, but the concrete beneath her feet started to slide away from her boots. She gripped the saddle and rested her forehead against the leather.

She didn't hear Ezra's approach, hadn't realized he was near until she felt his hand against her back. She didn't want to admit how much she was relying on that steady support to stay upright.

"What's wrong?" Ezra asked.

Kaylee forced herself to straighten away from the saddle and shake her head, not wanting Ezra to know how little sleep she was getting and how much it was affecting her. She was fine. Only two more months and she would be done with Cletus. She only had to hold it together for a little while longer.

The floor tilted more wildly and she grasped for Ezra to keep from falling down. She felt both his hands take hold of her arms and he eased her down on the floor, kneeling down next to her.

"I'm fine," she insisted, even as the black cloud started to take over her vision. Ezra kept a hand on her, but she could feel him turning away from her to call to Chris.

"Is Nathan still here?" Ezra called.

She didn't hear Chris' answer, but tried again to tell Ezra that she was fine.

Ezra didn't answer and she could feel the tension nearly radiating off him.

She hated this. She hated putting Ezra through this. She hated him worrying about her.

Kaylee heard hurried footsteps coming back to the barn and tried again to shrug off Ezra's hand and get to her feet. The barn had stopped spinning, she wasn't feeling as short of breath.

"What happened?" she heard Nathan ask.

"Nothing," Kaylee insisted, but Ezra wouldn't let her stand and then Nathan was crouched down next to her, looking her over with worried eyes.

"She looked like she was ready to fall over," Ezra said.

"You dizzy?" Nathan asked her.

"No," Kaylee lied. "I'm fine."

"You are not fine," Ezra said, the sudden sharpness in in his tone startling Kaylee. "You haven't been sleeping, you've barely been eating. Something's wrong."

Vin had come into the barn with Nathan and Kaylee glanced up at him. He was frowning and Kaylee quickly looked away.

"I just got lightheaded for a minute." This time Ezra let her push up to stand, keeping a hand on her. "See?" she said. "No big deal."

Ezra glanced at Nathan, Vin, and Chris, then took a step closer to her, lowering his voice. "You need to get some rest."

"Ok. I will," Kaylee said. "I'll finish up with Blue, then I can—"

Ezra was shaking his head. "Chris can do that."

"This been happening to you before now? The dizzy spells?" Nathan asked.

"No," Kaylee said as Ezra answered in argument.

"Yes."

She frowned. She hadn't realized Ezra had noticed. The look on his face made her close her lips against arguing any further.

She shifted uncomfortably, not liking all the eyes on her, not wanting the attention for something as ridiculous as having some trouble sleeping.

"You seen a doctor? Had your blood pressure checked?" Nathan asked.

"Look, I'll go inside and rest right now," Kaylee offered, feeling like she was bartering, anything to keep them from worrying. A look at Vin. Making the decision to do whatever it took to keep Vin from saying anything.

"I'll drive you home," Ezra said. The look of sheer relief that she wasn't going to fight him on this made her go along with him.

They made the short drive from Chris' home in silence, Ezra looking over at her more than he was watching the narrow road.

"I'm fine," she said, feeling like a broken record.

Ezra didn't answer. He pulled the truck up near the porch and made his way around the front of the truck to the passenger side. Kaylee waited for him to open the door and help her down, more out of an attempt to not fight Ezra when he looked so concerned than because she needed the help.

Ezra stayed silent as he led her upstairs, pulling the covers back on the bed, going to the dresser and pulling out a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt for Kaylee to change into.

"Ezra…" she said, then stopped when she saw how tightly his jaw was clenched. She wouldn't fight him on this. She wouldn't make his worry worse. "Some rest sounds nice," she said. "I'll get some rest and feel better." She'd lay in bed if it made Ezra feel better and do a better job of hiding what her worry about what the money she owed Cletus was doing to her.

Ezra laid the clothes on the bed for her. "I'll get the evening chores done. If you need anything…" His eyes met hers and Kaylee could see the silent question. Him asking her to tell him what was really going on.

Kaylee swallowed hard, shoving down the desire to tell Ezra everything. "You're all I need," she whispered past the lump in her throat.

Ezra put a hand to her face, his thumb stroking against her cheek lightly. Kaylee closed her eyes and leaned against his palm, rough from ranch work.

Ezra sighed heavily. "Get some rest," he said. He closed the door quietly behind him.

Kaylee listened to his footsteps go down the stairs. She sank down on the bed, a pent up breath escaping, her hands starting to shake. She only had to do this for another couple months. Two months. She could hold it together that long.

#

Ezra didn't know what he was supposed to do. Kaylee wouldn't talk to him. She wouldn't tell him what kept her up at all hours, kicking and thrashing restlessly when she did manage to fall asleep.

He finished the last of the chores, checked on the horses one more time, stopping at Chaucer's stall and giving him a scratch on the neck before turning off the lights and heading back up to the house.

He wasn't optimistic enough to hope that Kaylee had slept. But he at least hoped she had rested. That some of the tension would be eased from her shoulders.

He pulled his boots off in the entryway and headed up the stairs. The door to their room was closed. He paused, hand on the doorknob and tried to find some sort of poker face that didn't show Kaylee how much she was worrying him. He didn't want to add to the guilt she looked like she was carrying. Though Ezra hadn't managed to figure out what she could possibly have to feel guilty about.

He let out his breath and opened the door.

Kaylee was standing at her dresser and jumped when he came in. She quickly shoved whatever was in her hand into the open drawer. Her cheeks deepened in color.

Ezra looked from her to the drawer.

Kaylee pressed her lips together, her flush growing redder.

Ezra felt a pit start to hollow out in his stomach. She was hiding something from him. He deadened his expression, an instinctive move he had learned young. Show nothing instead of showing hurt.

"Ezra," Kaylee started.

Ezra took a step back. "I didn't mean to intrude."

"No, Ezra," she said, moving toward him. "It's not…it's just…" Her cheeks flamed. She winced, looking like whatever she was about to do pained her, then went to the drawer and moved aside a flannel shirt. She pulled out a bound stack of paper and handed it toward him, wrinkling her nose in embarrassment.

Ezra took it from her and looked down at it. It was a calendar. The kind you ripped off a page each day. He looked up at her and Kaylee bit her lip. He looked down at the calendar again, this time reading what was on the page. A word and a definition. He turned the page. Another word and definition for the next day. And for each day of the year.

"A word of the day calendar?" he asked, not understanding why she would be shoving it away in the dresser.

Kaylee's look fell from embarrassed to pure misery.

"I know," she said. "It's dumb. I just…I thought…it was a stupid idea."

Ezra still didn't understand. He looked at the calendar and realized it was worn, she had flipped through it, studied the words and not actually torn any pages off.

"You thought what?" he asked, genuinely wanting to understand why she was hiding something as mundane as a calendar from him.

Kaylee's entire face was red and she looked miserable. "I thought I'd try to sound smarter."

"Smarter than what?" Ezra couldn't hide his bafflement if he tried.

"Smarter than a high school drop out. Smarter like you." Her voice quivered. "When Maude said—"

That was all Ezra needed to hear. He cut her off, pulling her toward him, wanting to hold her tight enough to shield her belatedly from everything Maude had said, every eyebrow she had raised without comment.

"Other than your questionable decision to marry me, you have shown time and time again your mental prowess," Ezra said. "My only concern has always been that should you get any smarter, you'll wise up and be out of here."

"Never," Kaylee said fiercely. "I would never leave you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Ezra."

"That feeling is mutual," Ezra said, holding her more tightly. "So we're…" he glanced over at the calendar. "Copacetic?" he asked.

"We're in excellent order," Kaylee responded, saying the definition verbatim, making Ezra wonder how much she had studied the calendar. "Everything is very satisfactory, very good, going very well."

He ran a hand over her hair, wishing he hadn't allowed Maude to visit. He hadn't realized what he had done to Kaylee with that decision. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

"Did you get some rest."

"Yep," she said, once again showing Ezra her lack of skill at any sort of bluff or lie.

He studied her face.

"Really, I'm—"

"—fine," Ezra finished for her skeptically.

She smiled up at him, remnants of her embarrassment keeping her cheeks pink.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you, too," she said without hesitation. "No matter what, I love you."

He didn't know what drove the desperation behind her words, but he was willing to take them without question. He knew she was still refusing to share something about her past, but who didn't have a past they would rather not talk about? He certainly had his share of regrets and misdeeds.

She wrapped her arms around him, holding onto him like he was an anchor and Ezra would do whatever he had to do to give her the security she needed. She kissed him, her hands running over his back and he let himself stop thinking about what worried him, about his concern for her. Right now she needed reassurance and he would make sure she didn't doubt his love for her.

#

Vin grunted as Buck put the weighted bar across his shoulder. Planting his feet and focusing on his form, he lowered himself into a shallow squat. With a breath, he pushed himself up to standing.

"Nathan thinkin' you'll be back on a horse soon?" Buck asked, sitting back in his recliner and twisting off the top of a beer.

Vin answered with another grunt as he managed another squat. His knee didn't protest, six weeks of exercises prescribed by Nathan having done their job. And Buck hadn't protested at the home gym taking over a corner of their small living room, saving Vin from trips into a larger town for physical therapy appointments.

"Peso's missin' you," Buck said. "Ezra took him out yesterday, worked off some energy."

Vin gave another grunt in answer. He focused on his alignment, every exercise bringing him one squat, one lunge, one leg press closer to rodeo in the spring.

"Heard Ezra called Nathan down to the barn today. Kaylee gave Ezra a scare."

One last squat and Vin motioned Buck over to take the bar from him. His breath came heavy with the exertion and he reached for his water bottle.

"She doin' ok?" Buck asked, returning to his chair as Vin moved on to a set of dumbbells, holding them at his side and lining up for lunges.

"No," Vin said.

Buck frowned. Vin finished the last of his exercises, lowering his weights to the floor with a dull thud. He made his way to the couch, putting off the stretches Nathan prescribed for the moment. Buck went to the freezer and grabbed two ice packs, dropping them onto the couch by Vin before taking his seat again.

Vin put the ice packs on his knee, front and back.

"What's Ezra doing about it?" Buck asked.

"What can he do?" Vin asked, his frustration coming out. "She won't tell no one what's going on."

"Maude's visit shook her up," Buck said. "Unless…you know more than that? She tell you something?"

Vin felt his jaw tighten, nearly locking up. "Not enough to help her."

Buck sighed heavily. "My ma used to say things usually work out if you give 'em time." He sounded like he doubted that.

Vin looked over at him. He didn't think Kaylee was the girl Buck was thinking of at the moment.

"Sure sounds good, though," he said.

Buck let out a soft snort of laughter. "You can embroider it on a pillow for us."

Vin grinned at Buck before leaning back against the couch, adjusting his ice packs again. They sat in silence, thinking of the women that were going to make sure nothing would work out.

#

Kaylee jolted awake. Next to her, Ezra stirred but didn't waken. The sun had set and moonlight painted their room. She closed her eyes for a minute, her heart thudding in her chest, remnants of the nightmare still in her ears.

Ezra's arm was draped across her. Kaylee wanted to cuddle in closer, relish the security under the weight of his arm, but her legs were restless, driven by memories and guilt and shame.

She slipped out from under his arm, pausing when he stirred. She waited for his breathing to level off.

Padding across the room to the dresser, she went to the drawer she had kept her word of the day calendar in. It was still open, her shirts tossed aside to get the calendar earlier. Glancing back at Ezra and seeing he was still asleep, Kaylee pushed another shirt aside, reaching to the back of the drawer, pulling out a sweatshirt. She felt for the envelope tucked in the pocket and pulled it out.

Her driver's license. The real one. Not the fake ID she had bought on her way out of Nebraska when she was on the run from Cletus, needing a fresh start away from her mom. This one had her real name on it. Kaylee Standish didn't really exist. Not outside of a piece of paper saying she had married Ezra in Texas.

Kaylee pulled out her birth certificate from the envelope. Kaitlin Lee Rawlings. Well, she didn't exist either. Not anymore. And she never would again. Not if Kaylee could help it.

She hurriedly shoved both pieced of ID back into the envelope, into the sweatshirt pocket. She stuffed the sweatshirt in the back corner of the drawer and piled the other shirts—most of them winter wear Ezra had insisted she needed—over the top of it. Decisively shutting the drawer, she sucked in a deep breath before returning to bed.

She got back under the covers, shifting around until she gave up on finding a comfortable position and settling for the solid form of Ezra at her side. She felt the heat of him and tried to warm her icy limbs near him.

She stared up at the ceiling, fidgeting with the blankets, blowing loose strands of hair out of her eyes, chewing on the inside of her cheek until it nearly bled. It was a long time before she drifted back into a restless sleep.

#