Chapter 44

Ezra looked down at Kaylee in his arms. Her strawberry blonde hair splayed across his arm, spilling out over the couch. The dusting of freckles across her nose had faded slightly with the loss of summer, but they were still there.

He brushed her hair back gently from her face.

Kaylee shifted and tilted her head up to look at him. "I love you, Ezra," she said, sounding like her throat was tight. "No matter what…I just hope you always know I love you."

Ezra moved slightly so he could see her face better. The guilt and shame there was clear.

"What could happen?" he asked. "What's going on?" He tried to keep his frustration from driving the words.

Kaylee shook her head, then winced. She pushed up to sitting, avoiding his eyes.

"Is your head hurting again?" he asked.

"It's nothing," she said.

Ezra hadn't expected any different answer, but the obvious lie, coming on the heels of the phone call Ezra had answered on her phone, pricked at his pride. She didn't trust him. She didn't want to tell him anything.

"It's clearly something," he countered, not able to fully keep his calm.

Kaylee tugged at Ezra's flannel shirt she had fallen asleep in, wrapping it more closely around her. She pushed to stand, putting distance between her and Ezra.

"It's really nothing. Really, Ezra."

Ezra grabbed his jeans from the floor, tugging them on with jerky movements. "Of course," he snapped. "Your head injury is nothing. I'm a fool for even asking. I apologize for my concern."

"It's not a head injury," Kaylee said, her own words sharp. "It's not from the crash. I walked away from that. Vin's the one who was injured."

"Then what?" Ezra demanded. "What is it? Tell me something. Tell me anything!"

"There's nothing to tell!" Kaylee yelled back at him. She fumbled for her own jeans on the floor and stumbled slightly.

"You're dizzy, you're in pain, and I want to know what is wrong with my wife!" Ezra couldn't remember yelling at anyone before. Not like this. Not so that his words rang through the house. And he didn't want to be yelling at Kaylee. She flinched at his words and Ezra clamped his teeth together to hold back anything more.

He rubbed his hands over his face, wishing he could scrub away the emotion that threatened to overwhelm him. He had never wanted to be this vulnerable with someone before. He never wanted pain like this that could come from loving someone.

"I'm sorry," Kaylee whispered into the suffocating silence between them. "I'm so sorry."

"Is it from when you were injured this summer? When Alcott when down and you hit your head? Do you have a brain tumor? Something isn't right," Ezra said.

Kaylee's chest rose and fell with her breaths. She didn't want to say anything. That was the only thing that was clear to Ezra.

"It's just stress," she finally said, looking like the words were dragged out of her. "Tension headaches."

Ezra drew on every skill he had been taught by Maude and honed at the poker tables. He waited for Kaylee to say anything more.

She just stared at him, her green eyes terrified, like she had said too much. Her face was pale, more than just the loss of the summer sun on her skin. Ezra was fairly certain she had lost weight, making her look even more frail as she stood facing him in his shirt.

"Tension?" he said, struggling to keep his voice level.

But Kaylee had clearly decided she had said enough and pressed her lips together, hugging the oversized shirt more tightly around herself, dropping her eyes.

"If you won't talk to me, will you please see a doctor?" Ezra asked. He could hear the formality in his words. The safety that came from the distance of remaining aloof.

"I don't need—"

"I would appreciate it if you would at least see a neurologist. Or anyone who may be able to help."

Kaylee was shaking her head. "It's Thanksgiving and I told Chris I'd make pies. And we still have a few yearlings to buck through. And—"

"Please," Ezra said, his façade dropping and losing his composure again. He sucked in a breath and fought to regain control. "After Thanksgiving."

Kaylee's hands clenched into fists. Released. Clenched again. "Ok," she said.

Ezra's breath left him. "Thank you." At least he could be reassured about her physical health, even if she wouldn't share anything more with him.

Kaylee shifted her weight on her bare feet.

"I need to go to the feed store," Ezra said when she didn't offer anything more and the tension between them threatened to choke him.

Kaylee took a step back. "I'll take care of the horses," she said.

Ezra hesitated. He waited for her to say something more. She avoided his eyes.

"I'll see you later," Ezra said. He got his t-shirt from the arm of the couch and pulled it on. He didn't watch Kaylee, just focused on his socks and boots.

She slipped off his shirt and pulled her own on, silently setting his flannel on the back of the couch for him. She shrugged into her own jacket and went outside without another look at him.

Ezra was about to stand, but he was suddenly drained. He dropped his head down into his hands. He didn't know what had gone wrong, how he had failed Kaylee. But he was convinced he had just ruined the best thing that had ever happened to him.

#

Chris went up the steps to Ezra's house with Vin. Chris held back any comment on how Vin was moving. It had been less than a week since the man had been in a rollover accident, Chris knew Vin moving a little stiff and guarding those broken ribs was minor compared to what it could have been. He grit his teeth. He was well aware of how tenuous life could be.

He shoved those thoughts, those memories, of Sarah and Adam aside. They didn't come with the sharp pain they used to, but the ache wasn't something that would ever leave him.

He and Vin were supposed to be picking up one of Ezra's larger stock trailers so Chris could move some horses to the sale barns next week. But Ezra hadn't been down in the cattle barn like Chris had expected.

Vin nodded toward JD's car parked near the house. "Maybe he brought Casey out to see Kaylee."

Chris hoped that was the case. Maybe some time with Casey and JD, instead of the rough group of men Ezra kept company with, would do something to take the edge off Kaylee.

Chris rapped on the door. When there was no answer, he pushed the door open.

The sound of dishes rattling in the kitchen drowned out Chris' call. He glanced at Vin closed the door behind them. Across the open living room, he saw Kaylee and JD in the kitchen.

JD looked up and his eyes lit up desperately at the sight of them. His dark hair was almost white from the coating of flour and he had splatters across the front of his shirt.

"Chris!" he said. "Vin!" He set aside the bowl of whatever he was mixing and spoke to Kaylee. "It looks like Chris and Vin are here, so I'm going to head out—"

Kaylee stopped his motion with a grip on his sleeve and a shake of her head. "Stir," she commanded him, shoving the bowl back at him. "If there are lumps in the pumpkin pie, we're going to have to start over. Do you want to start over again?" she asked, her voice shaking.

"No, of course not," JD said.

Kaylee gave him a quick nod and turned her attention back to whatever was on the stove.

JD looked at Chris and Vin and mouthed a silent help me.

Chris saw Vin's concerned frown. And there was that look again when Vin turned his eyes on Kaylee. The one that set off alarms whenever Chris saw it. He moved to the kitchen before Vin could.

"What's going on?" Chris asked Kaylee, taking in the counters covered with pies in various states of preparation.

Kaylee looked over at him. There was that nervous look like he was accusing her of something. She motioned toward her project with a jerky gesture. "Pies," she said. "For Thanksgiving tomorrow."

Chris eyed the five pies that looked to be done. "Looks like you got plenty made."

Kaylee shook her head and Chris swore she was batting her eyelashes furiously to keep tears from falling. "The crust is overdone on half of those. And there are lumps in the pumpkin pies."

Before Chris could argue, she whirled away from him and went back to the stove, grabbing the saucepan that was starting to smoke with a dismayed cry.

"I tried tellin' her that," JD said under his breath to Vin and Chris. "But she ain't listenin'."

"Nice of you to help her out," Vin said, his eyes still on Kaylee as she let out a frustrated sound and started scraping whatever had been in the saucepan into the trashcan.

"I was just bringing her some pie plates. She called Miss Nettie needin' some. And then she wouldn't let me leave."

"The strawberry pie is ruined!" Kaylee exclaimed. "I ruined it again!" She flung the entire saucepan into the trash and whirled around. "We're out of strawberries. We can't make a strawberry pie without strawberries. Maybe blueberry? Did you see frozen blueberries in the freezer?" she asked JD, her words spilling out over each other.

"I'll check," JD said. "It'll be ok." He gave Kaylee a reassuring smile that didn't even reassure Chris, but he had to give the kid credit for trying.

"Where's Ezra?" Chris asked when JD moved toward the freezer. He had seen how Ezra could have a calming effect on Kaylee. He couldn't imagine Ezra was fine with Kaylee losing it in his kitchen.

Kaylee let out a cry and pulled back her hand from the hot stove, shaking it out. "Dang it!" she cried. "Frick! Flippin' son of a buster!"

Chris felt his eyebrows lift.

The door from the deck opened and Ezra came in. He nodded a reserved hello to Chris and Vin then surveyed the chaos in the kitchen. Chris expected him to go to Kaylee, but he spoke to JD instead.

"You're both still at work," he commented, lines framing his mouth.

"I tried," JD whispered. "But it's like she's possessed or something."

Kaylee whirled around. "JD, I'll finishing beating the pie filling, can you roll out a crust? I have it ready in the bowl over there." She faltered at the sight of Ezra, swallowing hard, then quickly turned away from him, keeping her attention on the pumpkin pie she took over from JD.

Chris wasn't sure which of the four bowls scattered across the island she meant, but JD just gave Ezra one last look and went to work on the pie crust.

"Can I assist with anything?" Ezra spoke stiffly without coming closer.

Kaylee looked over at him. The pain on her face was clear. She shook her head quickly. "It's under control. I got it. Don't worry about anything." Her words came out in a rush and Chris got the feeling she wasn't talking about the pies.

Ezra didn't say anything and Kaylee bit her lip and went back to work.

"I'll be out getting the trailer with Mr. Larabee and Mr. Tanner," Ezra said. "If you need anything." His tone made it clear he didn't expect Kaylee see him as having anything to offer.

Kaylee swallowed and nodded without looking at him, doubling her efforts of whisking the pumpkin.

Ezra didn't show any more emotion, but Chris knew the man well enough to know how much him pulling on the stoic mask actually revealed. He and Vin followed Vin outside, toward the barns where the trailers were parked.

"Everything ok, Ez?" Vin asked.

"Of course," Ezra said. He didn't offer anything more.

"Seems a little tense in there," Chris said.

A muscle jumped in Ezra's jaw, but his expression didn't change. "She's come to the realization that I'm not trustworthy."

Chris frowned. "Did you do something?" There was a time he would have expected Ezra to choose a con or a job over anyone else. But that was before he saw the change in Ezra since meeting Kaylee. He had a hard time believing Ezra would do anything to hurt Kaylee.

"I married her, Mr. Larabee," Ezra said sharply. "That seems to have been plenty."

Chris didn't have an answer to that so he didn't say anything. Vin gave Ezra a silent squeeze of his shoulder, but didn't say anything either. There wasn't much to say when it looked like Kaylee and Ezra's marriage was starting to fray right in front of them.

#

Kaylee looked over the pies lining the counter. There were at least twelve. She blew at a strand of hair in her eyes. It fell back in her face and she brushed it back. Her fingers, still sticky from pie filling, stuck to her hair. With a small sound of disgust, she pulled her fingers free, her hair sticking to her temple now.

JD had left a couple hours earlier, saying he had promised Casey he would take her out tonight, but offering to bring Casey back out to the ranch to help Kaylee.

Kaylee had immediately told him to go, not wanting to do anything to come between him and Casey. JD had reluctantly headed for the door, but not before he had helped clean things up and given Kaylee a tight hug. He told her he would see her tomorrow over at Chris' for Thanksgiving.

Kaylee had finished another three pies after JD left.

Barney thumped his tail against the wood floor and looked up at Kaylee. Kaylee looked down at her dog. She reached to pet him, then stopped and looked at her hands. They were stained blue and red and a sticky mess.

She turned on the kitchen faucet with her elbow to avoid spreading the mess from her hands and started scrubbing at the sugary pie filling on her fingers. She winced as the water hit the burns on her left palm.

She heard the front door open and tensed, pressing her lips together. She listened to Ezra take off his boots and hang up his jacket. She turned off the water, but didn't turn around. She couldn't. She couldn't bear to look at Ezra, knowing how she was hurting him. But if she told him the truth, and he found out she was taking his money like Maude warned him, she would hurt him even worse.

The pain in her own chest was nearly enough to cut off her breath.

"It looks like you had a productive day."

Kaylee closed her eyes at how distant Ezra sounded.

"Yeah. I think a few of these will be good enough to bring tomorrow," she said. She drew in a long, painful breath and turned to face him.

Ezra stood on the other side of the island, his expression closed off.

Kaylee swallowed hard.

Ezra's eyes moved over her face. Kaylee could only imagine what he was seeing.

"I'm a mess," she said self-consciously, brushing again at the hair still sticking to her temple.

"I'll draw you a bath," Ezra said. He looked over the counter, filled with pies. "You should call it a day."

Kaylee didn't argue only because she didn't want to worry Ezra any more. She nodded. She hesitated and then shifted, ready to move toward him, wanting to wrap her arms around him and assure him she loved him more than anything. Everything she was doing was only because she loved him and didn't want to lose him.

Ezra turned before she could move and headed upstairs.

Kaylee stood alone in the silence of the downstairs and wrapped her arms around herself.

She looked around the house that felt more like a home than where she had grown up. It didn't matter that it was expensively furnished, or larger than three of the mobile homes she had lived in put together. It was home because she was with Ezra. It was the first time she had ever felt like she had a home.

She heard the water running in the bathroom upstairs and gave Barney a scratch on his head before heading upstairs.

Ezra looked up when she entered the master bath. He was pouring scented bubble bath into the water. He set the bottle aside and went to the shelves along one wall, pulling down a fluffy towel, and setting it on the edge of the tub for her.

"Thanks," Kaylee said.

Ezra didn't respond. He went back into their bedroom, pulling the bathroom door closed behind him.

Kaylee struggled against the tears that threatened. Just a couple more months. A couple more months and she wouldn't have to hide anything from Ezra ever again. It had become her mantra.

She stripped her clothes, tossing them toward the wicker hamper near the walk in shower since they were coated in flour, sugar, egg yolks, and every other ingredient she had used today.

She carefully stepped into the deep soaking tub, closing her eyes and relishing the warm water against her tense muscles. She sank down until the bubbles reached her chin. Her left hand stung when the burns hit the water, so she rested it on the edge of the tub.

She rested her head against the smooth backrest. The near constant headache eased slightly as she breathed in the lavender of the bubbles and the heat eased some of the tension in her shoulders. It even helped the unsettled queasy feeling in her stomach. Her stomach bound up in knots was nothing new. That had started back when Cletus had first found out where his drugs had gone. That she had sold them to pay for heat and rent.

There was a quiet rap on the bathroom door.

Kaylee opened her eyes.

Ezra opened the door and stood there. "Can I get you anything?" he asked. "Did you eat?"

Kaylee had been too occupied with making the pies and getting them right she hadn't. But she didn't want to tell Ezra that and add to his worry about her.

She didn't have to confess that, though. His eyes moved to her hand, resting out of the tub and lines creased between his brows.

"What happened?" he asked.

Kaylee started to withdraw her hand, but there was nowhere to hide it without putting it in the water that stung it.

"Just a burn," Kaylee said.

Ezra crouched down next to the tub. He reached for her hand. "May I?" he asked.

Kaylee reluctantly let him see her palm.

Ezra frowned at the blisters. He stood, crossing to the medicine cabinet over the double vanity. He sorted through a shelf of tubes and pulled one down.

He came back to her and reached out silently for her hand.

His touch was gentle as he held her hand in his. The ointment was cooling on the sting of her burn and Kaylee couldn't hold back a sigh of relief.

"Better?" Ezra asked.

Kaylee nodded.

Ezra set aside the tube, but didn't let go of her hand.

The pain in Kaylee's heart hurt worse than any burn ever could.

"I promise I would tell you if there was anything you needed to know," she whispered.

Ezra frowned. "That's not reassuring."

"I just…please trust me, Ezra," Kaylee said.

Ezra looked at her. He didn't answer immediately and she felt her heart begin to sink.

"I should ask you to trust me," Ezra countered.

"I do," Kaylee said.

"But not enough to talk to me," Ezra said, releasing her hand.

The loss of his touch was sharper than the burn had been.

He stood. "Let me know if I can get you anything." He was back to the reserved formal tone. Kaylee didn't know how to reach past it. She just nodded.

Ezra left the bathroom, the latch of the door clicking quietly behind him.

Kaylee sank lower in the tub, letting the warm water cover her chin, her nose, her head. She held her breath under water. The only sound was the rushing of the water against her ears. Her lungs ached with the burn of holding her breath.

She stayed under until her lungs felt like they would burst and she broke through the surface, water dripping from her eyelashes and hair. She wiped at the drops with her hands.

She wished it was that easy to wipe away her past.

#