Mazzaroth, do you know what I particularly can't stand, apart from insects that won't leave you alone while trying to enjoy a moment in the open air?
People who forget important facts.
And do you know who won the forgetfulness tournament?
Watari.
I seem to be taking it out on his old age, but I'm not doing so in this case. However, if he continues at this rate and it becomes habitual, I think I will have to attribute the cause of these forgetfulnesses to his fifty-five years unless he does it on purpose.
The reason for my rough start is that he brought a little boy called L here to my orphanage.
And it really is L, as I am writing it because he confirmed it later when asked how he spelt his alias.
"Like the letter," he had replied, showing an L with his fingers.
L for loser, so to speak.
You could tell me that I shouldn't refer to someone that way when I didn't even get a chance to interact with him.
I refused to do so, mostly. Ayla tried to drag me into the main room, but I managed to resist and go to any other room where there was no L, and it was complicated because he seemed to be, albeit impossible, everywhere.
However, 'you should know him before you judge him' applies to anyone but him. Moreover, if we really want to follow that rule, you cannot judge my opinion either, when you know neither the motive nor that creature.
It is important that you, now, listen to me because, at the end of all that I am going to write, you must be on my side since I have imagined you as a friend who understands me and comprehends the reason for my actions, without me having to explicitly state it for my own safety.
This stranger is part of some kind of project, guided by himself because he is 'a genius'. Details were not shared in-depth, as they are reserved for those who are part of it, but even those exposed in a public way were difficult for me to follow because that kid was just staring at me and distracting me.
I don't know why he decided to designate me as the target of his disturbing stare, but I couldn't make him stop.
It bothered me so much, and just the thought of it makes me unnerved at this very moment.
The project in itself is even noble: it's about having a group of people interested in justice who are being trained to be able to apply it in the future.
However, it is no big deal. Strange that it comes from me, but if that is the reason for its existence, it does not mean it is effective. It seems destined to fail because the future is unpredictable.
How many people will be interested in it ten years from now? How many people are going to continue on that path when they learn how many obstacles they will face? How many people will survive to be able to grasp that job with just their fingertips?
Nobody knows, and the last question may sound extreme, but you have to consider every possibility.
It seems fair to let you know that I was not chosen, but my consideration of the project would not have changed if I had been part of it.
I do not want to be part of it, as I already have a goal: becoming a journalist. Being part of such a group would hinder what I would actually like to do.
Ayla and Rae were picked, and they accepted. It was definitely a surprise. I did not think they were passionate about it. I'm not saying they don't want justice, but they never hinted at the possibility of taking on such a role. Ayla has always been interested in chemistry and Rae in architecture, so it's something about their character that I wasn't aware of until last night.
I'm happy for them, though.
The only thing I can't stand about this whole situation is the fact that L is called that. There are a million names worldwide, but he had to choose that one. He seems to like getting on my nerves before he even meets me.
On top of that, he's weird, really, and not in an interesting, mysterious way. He's odd, unhinged. He sits in a twisted way, eats mainly sweets, and got into a fight on the first day when some kids tried to hug him. I'm not saying it was fair of them to do that, because I would have felt uncomfortable too, but I don't think his reaction was the right one.
He could have used words when he saw that they were pouncing on him, and they would have understood and give him a handshake, I think. Honestly, I would avoid any contact with his hands because he keeps putting his thumb in his mouth or on his lips, but I do not decide for others.
I guess you have understood perfectly well how he is not a pleasant person to be around. That is why I consider it necessary to remove him from the premises. It might seem that I want him out because he irritates me, but that is not true. He is a danger to society, and I want to preserve the one that has been created within Wammy's House.
Don't you think it's ironic and wrong how he is at the top of this project? I'm not implicitly volunteering to replace him. It's just something I've noticed.
On the 4th, at dinner, he kept saying he is the justice, but I am sure when I say he is the opposite. It is not injustice, though, although he has physically attacked others.
It is the anti-justice.
I could not find this term anywhere, and I checked all the dictionaries in the library. Whether it is real or not does not really matter because it is the aptest way to describe him.
To understand its etymology, we have to start with 'anti-hero', which, quoting from the dictionary at my feet, means: 'a protagonist (hero) who lacks the characteristics that make him such'.
In his case, it's the justice that lacks the values that make it such. Besides being useless, it is also harmful for obvious reasons, since it does not help anyone. It only serves to inflate his ego.
The solution to that problem is for him to leave.
I think it may convince Watari, but at the same time, I am not one hundred per cent sure. He turned out to be more ignorant than I expected. He has never been a human being extremely well versed in deduction, which doesn't take any credit away from him, as his persona is based on moralistic and social values, but he could have realised the situation he would cause by bringing someone called L into the facility, exactly one year and 355 days after the incident.
I can't go into detail, and it's not because I don't feel like it, as I would like to have unlimited leeway when talking about my experiences. The problem lies in the fact that you are a tangible object, Mazzaroth, and someone could find you. It would be your end and mine, but mine would only be temporary and in this place. On the other hand, you would disappear forever because I would no longer want to risk someone reading my innermost thoughts and finding out about my past.
I will take many of the things I write with me to the grave because they are either too personal or irrelevant in the eyes of others, while others will never even be touched by air, if you know what I mean... Which you certainly understand, because you get me.
I know it is childish to consider you more than a pile of pages, but it gives comfort to think that I have a fictitious pen pal who knows facts I cannot and should not tell. The funny aspect of this situation, so to speak, is the fact that, until now, I never wanted anyone to know what I caused and the situation I was in, but I am beginning to wish there was someone real who knew about it.
I want there to be someone willing to feel affection for me without me having to lie.
However, I don't think telling someone is the best option because they might not understand why I did it and isolate me further.
Rereading what I wrote above concerning L and Watari, something occurred to me, and I want to write it down while I'm at it, so I don't think about it anymore. Maybe it will also help you understand my position in the Wammy's House.
You probably get the impression that I am a 'bad' person, and you wouldn't be the first to tell me that. I am not deaf, so I happen to hear the way I am described, and many people say that I behave harshly.
Mechanical is an adjective they use a lot, although I don't fully understand why they call me that. I think it's a misinterpretation of who I am, but that doesn't make it any less of a problem, especially when I consider my future job: I don't want to be 'successful', but those who are appear to be open to conversations, to listening, to being empathetic, conveying a feeling of calm and comfort to interlocutors at the right moments, and no one has ever told me that's how I am.
I find myself hearing someone with whom I have no relationship whatsoever and who does not know me, as well as Rae and Ayla, generally commenting that I should improve my behaviour.
By 'bad,' I don't mean criminally, but I am referring to being an... Inadequate person, to my apparent inability to adopt the correct attitude in certain situations, to be unable to express my state of mind in the proper manner, to be heedless of other people's feelings.
Maybe I am exaggerating the way they see me, but that is how they make me feel. I don't even do it voluntarily, so I don't know what to do about it.
I think I have written enough about that. I don't want to think about it anymore.
Moving on to the technical part, I have decided to write daily, or at least try. I am not guaranteeing anything, of course. However, if I have to write minutes to midnight at the end of the day, and it strikes 00:00, I will close the diary and not continue, or start on the new day. The same applies if I am interrupted during the day, end up being busy and do not touch the diary again for the next hours.
I will definitely end up with a lot of unfinished entries, but if I consider you as a person visiting me at the orphanage and not just a recipient, it would be like saying goodbye because you have to go home.
"You should clean up that mess." Rae walked past the library aisle I was in.
I sighed, placing the journal on the ground, and standing up. I looked at the pile of open dictionaries for a few seconds, some of which were tossed haphazardly on top of others before I began to pick them up.
I tried to ignore the annoyance I felt at that second intrusion between Mazzaroth and me. It was as if Rae had pulled me by the sleeve and removed me from the conversation I was having, which was disrespectful. I would at least have liked to finish the topic so I wouldn't have to think about it for the long day ahead of me. Still, at that point, it seemed like I would have to resume writing at a later time since I didn't want to immediately leave the peace and quiet that the library gave me at a time like that.
L kept making various disturbances in the building and even stealing the role Ayla had taken on all that time.
The night before, they had decided to play a game of chess. It was not to determine which of the two was more intelligent, but to better understand the opponent's line of thought, hence their reasoning, and to see if it was possible to predict their moves.
That was Alya's understanding of chess because, outside of there and for many others, it was a mere pastime.
Ayla had lost, which had never happened until then. I should have been surprised by that event, but I wasn't because L remained the focal point of a group of future investigators – for a reason unclear to me –, so, from a purely neutral point of view and relying on Watari's judgement, there was the possibility that he was more skilled in some areas.
Some kids, who had attended as spectators, had congratulated him, which annoyed me, but what actually made me turn my heel and walk away was the fact that Ayla didn't mind.
I did not expect her to jump on him. However, she had lost in other contexts and was more expressive in the way she showed her dissatisfaction.
But with L, she had merely complimented him and demanded a rematch. She had only raised her voice against those who told her to move, to give others a chance to play. She had silenced them immediately, then turned in a calmer and definitely gentler tone towards L.
I didn't like that difference in attitude because it was the same one she had with Rae and me, and the idea that she might consider L on the same level as us after not even a day irked me.
Rae had also been pleasantly impressed by L, which wasn't so out of the ordinary for her. Although she may have seemed rather indifferent towards many, she was genuinely pleased to see others achieve certain goals or have certain abilities.
However, Rae had not limited herself to that. She had also addressed me, allowing herself to advise me to give him a chance, despite not knowing the reason for my behaviour, but, in any case, and strictly speaking, why would I have?
His presence was insignificant, and his intellect was not so important in a place where everyone was above average. I didn't even have personal reasons for being interested in him. They were just for not wanting him around.
I answered her with a clear no, not even giving her the chance to try to persuade me and change my mind because it would just be wasted breath and time.
I just wanted him to disappear. He had nothing to keep him from leaving. He had only just arrived, and that place meant nothing to him. He could take the project and move to a different orphanage. No one inside that facility needed him to administer justice.
After placing the books in their designated spaces, I headed for the last table at the end of the room, which Rae had completely occupied, leaving no small space for other people to use – not that it mattered. The library was empty at that hour, as it was most of the time, given that many people preferred to take their books and read elsewhere. There were always at least three tables ready for use.
I sat down on my knees and placed Mazzaroth on one of the opened volumes, which she was not consulting at that moment, leaning forward to cover it with my arms.
"If you need a definition, you can also ask me." She said, drawing horizontal lines on a sheet of paper.
"The word I was looking for does not exist or, at least, I could not find it."
"¿Cuál es?"
"Creo que en español, o nicañol, es anti-justicia, porque contra la justicia o injusticia no hace el concepto." I replied and she immediately looked up at me. "Anti-justice."
Rae was not very expressive, but it was still easy for me to understand her state of mind. At that moment, she seemed almost pained by my statement, almost as if that term was directed at her.
She put aside the tools she was using and leaned forward, starting to speak in a low, soft voice.
"Look, Ethe, I know it bothers you that you didn't get picked—"
"I don't care about the project." I stopped her immediately.
"You're not worth less, you're not—"
"I said I don't care." I repeated, stomping on every word because it was the truth, and it bothered me that she didn't believe me.
"So... Why are you acting like this?" She asked. "L didn't do anything to you and you're acting weird. Do you realise that?"
It wasn't weird. It was perfectly consistent with my past that they were not aware of. I wanted to be able to defend myself like that, but it was a self-imposed limitation and all I could do was focus on other reasons why L shouldn't be there.
"It really, really gets on my nerves." I replied. "I don't understand why it doesn't bother you. He can be as clever as you like, but someone who calls himself justice cannot have anything but corrupt morals. Justice is agreement and one person cannot decide that alone, so it is anti-justice. It is simple to grasp."
I avoided giving concrete examples of how the administration of justice by one individual had brought many children to Wammy's House – myself included. Obviously, that orphanage was a better place than most, but it was impossible to deny that all of us would have preferred a family or a functional past to all that.
"Ethe, this is not..." She sighed and looked at me for a second. "I understand your point of view and I agree, but L doesn't mean that."
"No, on the contrary. Absolutely." L emerged from one of the aisles to the left behind Rae, a book in his hands. "Ethelinda, right?... Ethelinda knows me so well, because we've spent so much time together. How many hours?"
"I'm not talking to you." I spoke. "When you read, you should be focused on the text, not on what others around you are saying. Didn't they teach you that?"
"I'm looking at pictures." He turned the pages in my direction, pointing to four large boxes containing images of some kind of sparrow. "I am in the animal biology section. I thought you knew the library better than me, being here for two years."
I shifted my gaze to Rae, who was turned to look at him. The amount of information he knew about me made me uncomfortable, but I couldn't blame Rae or Ayla for sharing it since they didn't perceive him as a threat.
The only doubt was why he was interested in knowing them. However, this could still be explained as not his curiosity but rather details that had been exposed by the two of them to create a connection with L and make him integrate better. It bothered me – obviously –, but I wasn't going to make a scene and take it out on her because they appeared to be futile details.
"Go birdwatching, then."
"I would, but there aren't many around."
I guessed L thought he was being funny, but he wasn't... At least in my opinion, since Rae seemed quite amused by the exchange of lines. I felt a growing need to get away from there since she wasn't on the same wavelength as me, and I didn't want her to shush me or something in front of L.
"So... You invented a new term for me? Anti...?"
"Justice." Rae concluded.
Knowing that L was aware about it lost the meaning I had attached to it since I wanted it to be a name I used behind his back so I wouldn't have to mention him openly. It seemed that this could no longer be its purpose, and I was annoyed that I had spent so much time on nothing.
"It has a nice ring to it." L said.
"Shut up." I told him.
"I'm assuming you particularly care about the project or me if you're taking such pains to pick on me."
"I'm describing you, not insulting or tormenting you." I stood up and grabbed Mazzaroth. "I don't care about you or your failing project. For your sake—"
"Ethe!" Rae snapped at me, knowing fully what I meant, but I didn't consider her.
"You should go away." I finished saying.
"Stop it." Rae continued.
"From the library?" L asked.
"From Wammy's House. You're not welcome here."
I gave him no chance to counter, let alone Rae to take his side again, even though they were not friends.
I rushed out of the room, while Rae called my name. I went downstairs and hid in the one place I was sure no one would look for me: my grade's classroom. Once classes were over, no one returned there until the next day. It happened to be used for studying, but only in the offing of the grade exams, and no one could take them at that time.
I made sure I could not be seen by sitting on the floor, behind the last desk on the left, close to the wall.
I don't know what problem they think they are solving, but L is not the solution.
I threw Mazzaroth aside and covered my eyes with both hands, trying to calm my mind from going over that incident again and stop whatever lump was trying to form in my throat.
"¿Cuál es?" - "What is it?"
"Creo que en español, o nicañol, es anti-justicia, porque contra la justicia o injusticia no hace el concepto." - "I think that in Spanish, or Nicañol (Nicaraguan Spanish) is anti-justice, because against justice or injustice doesn't convey the concept."