I have thought long and hard about what to do about L and I also want to apologise for skipping the day of the 5th, as I forgot to do so yesterday. I didn't want to, but I've been quite busy, and when I tried to put myself down to write, there would be Rae or Ayla to get my attention somehow.
I cherish this diary, as premature as this attachment of mine may seem. The day of the sixth was one of the few times when I was so open, even with myself, because I often blur certain emotions in my mind and put them aside entirely, because, at times, I seem to pretend to feel them with that intensity, since, when I think back, I tell myself that I didn't actually feel that way.
A 'madness' of the moment, let's say, because, even a few minutes later, I am no longer in that state.
In any case, that feeling of – what you might call – loneliness I was telling you about is not 'madness'. It is something constant, perpetually present because it is not situational. I don't feel alone because there is nobody in the room, but it's difficult to explain.
If I write that nobody knows anything about me, that is what I think, but that is not how things are. If I add 'relevant', that's also false.
It's just that I don't really feel seen by others, and it's because no one knows who I really am, because I avoid talking about it, and having an alias, no matter how much it protects my future, doesn't help in accepting m ̶e̶y past.
Back to L, I spent the 5th observing him, as well as commenting on his every action, because, unlike Ayla, I don't get into the game right away.
I prefer to study the target and research as much information as possible. I don't jump into the fray, so to speak, hoping not to be confronted by someone more skilled than me. I prepare myself in optimal conditions to anticipate every possible move or response of my opponent because having an effective strategy is better than exhausting them since they can always recover at an unexpected moment and overturn the course of events.
It seems that I disapprove of Ayla's tactic, which is true, but it is hers, and it seems to work in her case, so I am not going to discredit it, although it has many inaccuracies, randomness, and uncertainties.
In short, it is certainly not the plan to which I would entrust my fate.
While we're at it: I don't consider Rae's tactic the best either because she doesn't act immediately or prepare. She waits, waits, and waits. She waits for something to happen so that she reacts on the spot spontaneously, not worrying much about the outcome. She does this partly because she is confident in her abilities, but it is more the fact that she is happy if others succeed and is satisfied with her performance, whatever the situation.
This does not apply to the academic field. I am only talking about our comparison with others, because, for exams, of course, they both prepare. Rae more than Ayla and in a much more thorough way, but they both abandon their strategy and rely on classic pre-exam preparation.
Their techniques differ a lot, and I think having this level of diversity in the project is good because different cases require different investigation methods.
I can't help but wonder if, perhaps, I am the one making a mistake and should adopt one of these two plans of attack in order to achieve something meaningful in life.
I don't mean that the project is essential because it is doomed to perish, and I don't even want to be part of it. I couldn't care less, especially if it involves working with that slimy being.
̶I̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶r̶a̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶g̶o̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶l̶i̶v̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶p̶a̶r̶e̶n̶t̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶y̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶i̶n̶ ̶L̶'̶s̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶x̶i̶m̶i̶t̶y̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶l̶o̶n̶g̶.̶
I realised what I had written and looked at the page for a very long minute.
Had I really done it? I couldn't believe it.
I had done everything not to be in their presence, but my hatred for that little boy had led me to express a desire I had not, and would not, ever feel. The idea that what I felt towards him could eliminate my perception of myself and my situation was dangerous.
I erased the sentence as much as I could, almost ending up perforating the page, but it would have taken more than a little ink to make me forget it since, even many years later, it would be fresh in my memory.
As I said at the beginning: I have a plan. It is not particularly complicated because I will not need to use any mental strength or prepare myself.
I will treat him so badly that he will ask to be transferred.
It's not moral, I know, but I know my mistakes, and he doesn't, so it's better to be safe than sorry. As long as he is still new, I can send him away without actually hurting anyone deep down. I can safeguard the Wammy's House.
I have carefully observed his interactions: although he is not keen on participating in any conversations, he gets along best with those in his project, thus the higher ranks.
The rest of us are divided into different groups: those who hate him (me), the sceptics, those who are indifferent and the admirers. He seems to have gained some popularity in these three days, probably just enthusiasm around the project, because it is something new and – for some – interesting.
However, he does not seem to have succeeded in creating the initiation of a friendship because he does not seek it, according to Rae and Ayla. They were talking about it before bed, saying that he is rather disinterested in creating them, which is perfect for my plan.
They were speculating that he's not used to having them, has never had them and doesn't understand their meaning. They are hypotheses because L did not talk about his previous residence, not even in a general way, without sharing details that could identify it or give a better understanding of his background.
They are relying on a stranger who does not even try to gain their trust. Nevertheless, they believe in him and his project, which means that he has shared other valuable information with them, which does not concern him personally and which they cannot reveal even to me.
It only confirms that they are good, honest and fair people, even though I wish they were not so that I have an advantage over L.
I asked the two of them what they had said about me since he had shown knowledge of little things that cannot be found by mere observation, and they told me that they did not talk about me in detail. They briefly introduced me as their best friend, and the topic ended there.
At least, now, he knows there is a line he shouldn't cross because he shouldn't come between them and me, even though he appears intent on doing so.
Another thing about him, again irrelevant, that I need to note down: he does not like to rest.
You may wonder how I know this. I had yet another argument with him – the third to be precise since he arrived. I'll ignore the first one and won't sit here and narrate it, only for the fact that Rae took it out on me, even though it was L who decided to eavesdrop on a private conversation, when he could just as well have kept quiet and accepted my definition, which is now pointless.
He really seems to like expressing his opinion when no one asks him to.
The second one happened again in the library, like the first, because I was trying to understand the book he was reading at 'dinner' – hard to call that since he was eating biscuits and not the meal prepared by the kitchen. I wonder if Watari has a stash for L that consists only of sweets.
In any case, the book he had was different from the book about birds because it was thicker and had a dark red cover with gold decorations. Unfortunately, I couldn't read the title because when he walked past me, he was holding it under his arm, thus covering the writing.
I saw that he took it back to the library on the morning of the 6th. I don't know which aisle because I only followed him as far as the entrance since to do otherwise would have meant admitting my interest in what he does, and obviously, I don't want him to think so.
I spent two hours and twenty-seven minutes figuring out the subject, considering the main topics related to the investigation, only to have that sort of lemur appear behind me and say, "This is what you're looking for, Ethelinda".
I stood firm on my position of being utterly indifferent to what L does or reads and told him that just because he is in charge of a project does not mean that he is some kind of god whose footsteps I must follow and, consequently, conform my thinking to his. In a nutshell. "I was not looking for that. My world doesn't revolve around you. You are not God".
He dared to retort by saying that he wasn't and that it would be weird to declare himself as such. He added, without any input from me, that he does not believe in any otherworldly force, so I found myself learning a new characteristic of L against my will, about which I do not care in the slightest. It is an insignificant part of his existence – more insignificant than the others.
The third discussion took place this morning at two o'clock. Rae was scolding me for keeping the lamp light on and sitting around reading C. Allen's 'The Probable and the Probable' rather than allowing her to rest. I had spent more than four hours trying to understand why L was interested in a study on the paradoxes of the judicial system that could lead the structure of forensic evidence to typical signs of theoretical error.
The main plan I had when I took the volume from L's hands was to quickly look at the chapter headings and get my own idea of what it was about because I didn't want to waste time reading something just to understand L better, but subsequently, I found myself getting completely immersed in the discourse, losing track of time and abandoning my initial intention.
I didn't want to stop, so I left the room, leaving them both to sleep peacefully, and sat down on the floor, using the torch to continue reading. I tried to return to the same level of concentration, which I usually do quite well, but, at that moment, an incessant tapping continued to distract me whenever I read a sentence.
It was a sound I knew pretty well. It was a sound that should have been heard nowhere else but in the library or Watari's office. A few seconds later, and two doors to the right, counting the one to my room, I found myself standing in front of the only room I knew was unoccupied.
I didn't expect to find L there – although now that I think about it, it was pretty obvious. You can't expect the genius, whom Watari likes to spoil, to share a room with anyone.
I didn't knock. I walked in and caught that little monster sitting on the floor, in an almost empty room except for a wardrobe on the far right and a blanket at his side, squatting in front of a computer.
A computer, all his, in the room, all his.
Clearly, you can understand how such a revelation does not sit well with me – present, because it is unchanged. The rest of us are not allowed to have a personal one, while he, who has been there less than a week, has all the comforts that we do not explicitly request since it is materially impossible but which we long for.
It bothers me.
I didn't say anything because I didn't anticipate finding something like that in front of my eyes. I stood staring at him for almost two minutes. L was also looking at me, probably wondering what I was doing there at that hour, moreover silent and motionless. My paralysis was due to my inability to process that information and understand Watari's true motives for treating him in such a different way from us. However, that paralysis was broken by L's lips that had parted to say something.
I threw the book at him.
Honestly, I don't know if it hit him or the computer, because I left and went back to my room, without looking back once. I got under the covers, repressing the urge to go back to him and ask for an explanation (and insult him). I didn't sleep, not at all. It was already too late to fall asleep when I was about to close my eyes.
The morning was horrible. I wasn't paying the slightest attention to what Roger was trying to explain to us, either because of tiredness or L's constant strolling in front of the door. He didn't notice me, not once, and I was close to walking out of the classroom and giving him the same lecture he had given those kids on the first day.
Only Lex's presence made those hours less harrowing, thanks to his interventions and jokes, which Roger didn't seem to particularly appreciate.
I looked for a second in the direction of the table where L 'sat', squatting in his chair. He was dissecting a slice of bread without eating it, holding the book on birds in front of him. I asked myself questions about what he was doing, but I did not seek answers because I already felt tired just at the idea of having to spend more time observing and understanding him to annihilate him. I returned to my diary.
I'm sorry, Mazzaroth. I lied to you. I know it's wrong.
'Birdwatching' is not why I didn't write on the 5th. It is for something else entirely. L's presence has worsened my 'usual' mood of these days. 'Usually', I quickly get over it and don't even think about it anymore.
However, this did not happen. I have not faced this period many times, hence the inverted commas. Only two, although the first time was when it happened, so living it and remembering it are two completely different experiences.
In any case, I felt worse than I did last year, and I don't know if it's something that happens with time because, from what I understand, the more it passes, the more you should get used to it, but... I almost cried, which I didn't remotely feel the need to do in the previous two years.
I don't think I feel good now either. I have the impulse to hide. The problem is that, with variable L in play, I fear my condition might not improve at all, not even in the days to come, and I don't know how to deal with it because I can't tell anyone.
I closed the journal and moved it to the side, pulling my plate towards me and placing the glass of water on the almost imperceptible incision I had made with a knife shortly after my arrival at Wammy's House. I looked at the canteen door, hoping to see Rae and Ayla. We had different school schedules, and our activities most of the time didn't coincide at all, so it was my habit to wait for them so we could have lunch together.
Lex walked past me, giving me a slight nod, which I immediately returned. I tried to hide a little smile as I followed him with my gaze. He sat down next to his friends, one of which was our grade mate, and I could have sworn he turned to look at me and was about to call me over to them, but Rae and Ayla beat him to it.
"It should still be warm." I pronounced, starting to eat.
"Something happened, and she won't say anything." Ayla leaned toward me and fixed a lock of hair, moving it to the other side of my head.
I mimicked a thank you with my lips, focusing then on Rae.
"And I begged you not to mention it at the table." She spoke.
Rae looked somewhat pained and didn't really seem in the mood to talk about it, so as much as I wanted to know what was bothering her, I didn't want to force her.
"How is the preparation for the exam going?" I asked.
"We can change the subject all you want, but I'll come back to it, and you know it." Ayla commented, taking a sip of water.
"There's no need..." Rae replied. "It's actually the exam."
"Are you anxious?" I asked.
"How? You are the best!" Ayla added, and I nodded.
Rae remained silent, fiddling with the food on her plate using her fork before sighing. "I took the exam this morning. I wanted to anticipate it... I was called by Watari practically not even half an hour later."
Both Ayla and I stopped ourselves from chewing whatever food we had in our mouths. Being called by Watari usually meant receiving extremely horrible news since, for the good ones, he tended to come looking for us. It was different when a teacher sent you to him or went there on your own initiative. In that case, you could be calmer, even if it meant you had personal or academic problems. If you were sent by Roger, it was another situation again because it was a guaranteed punishment.
Neither of us dared to insist because we didn't actually want to hear those words that Rae's serious expression communicated. We wanted to remain in total ignorance, even though that was what we were fighting against at Wammy's House. Such information was far from a fact, universally acknowledged as such, and it was best if we focused Rae's attention on something else for the time being as to cheer her up.
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." I said.
"But you are the best…? It's not possible! He made a mistake." Ayla added.
"It's just that..." A smile slipped out of her face for half a second, which I categorised as one of nervousness or a way of relieving the tension she was feeling.
She tried to hide it, wiping her nose with the back of her fingers, and shifted her gaze to the window behind me, biting the inside of her cheek.
"You know... It's hard, after all... It's really... I mean..."
I thought of a topic that might interest her to such an extent that she would forget for a second the defeat she had suffered, but, on the other hand, I started to think that it was better for her to lash out rather than ignore that.
I compared her situation to mine, even though they were completely different, and as I wanted to tell someone what had happened and how I had felt, I thought it would be best to stay silent and listen to her. Ayla gave me a confused look, not knowing how to react either.
"If I had known that Watari was the one who was correcting the exams of the Apex aspirants, I probably wouldn't have... I mean, I wanted to beat my record, so I handed it in much earlier. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to overdo it and... I don't know, stun him so much that I was afraid of giving him a heart attack."
"Can you repeat that?" I asked.
"Are you serious?!" Ayla shouted.
"Yes, I'm worried about his health." Rae did not hide the smirk that appeared on her lips again and seemed proud of the little scene she had put on to make us worry.
"Don't ever do that again! You scared me." Ayla gave her a light slap on the shoulder. "What were you thinking?"
"I was getting bored of—"
Utter silence fell as we saw L place his book and different-sized breadcrumbs on Mazzaroth and take place beside me. Immediately, with the back of my hand, I knocked his objects to the ground and grabbed the diary, standing up and taking a step away from him as if he had some sort of airborne or contact transmissible disease.
"What do you think you're doing here?"
"Ethe, calm down." Rae said, motioning me to sit down. "I told him he can sit with us if he wants. You know he is new... He needs friends."
"Our friendship does not involve charity work."
I kept my tone as calm as possible because I didn't want to show myself angry with Rae, even though, of course, I didn't like how she had decided to drag me into that endeavour without even consulting me and having my opinion about it.
Probably, if she had done so, I would have even said yes, just to make her happy. I could have endured it with an early warning because I would have had the chance to mentally prepare myself and calm my state of mind, which, at that point, felt impossible.
The only thing left for me to do, to avoid damaging my relationship with the two of them, was to walk away. I had not yet reached my limit, but I felt particularly close to it, and I knew that I would not have enough time to figure out how to control how it would manifest itself.
"Do you want me to pay you to keep me company?" L asked me, bending down to take his things back.
Seeing him pick up every little piece of bread with such care was slightly pathetic. His concern was unwarranted, as he might have ruined another slice, but I avoided commenting, as it was unimportant.
"I guess you can do that. Watari gives you everything you want."
I wondered if Rae and Ayla were aware that L owned a computer, even if it turned out to be just a detail of the picture we were looking at, namely Watari's favouritism for that new kid.
I hoped that the mere mention of it would irritate my two friends, but it did not because they kept quiet, as if they already knew and even understood why. However, the end did not justify the means, and being in charge of a project was no excuse for such privileges since it had not even begun to function as far as I knew.
"I would not bother Watari over something so daft."
"However, you do not deny that it is possible."
L held out his book to me, and, with that gesture, I understood the answer, albeit a rather obvious one. I didn't know whether to talk back, making my friends also understand what had happened, or to take the book and throw it at him, which was an option I was particularly inclined to.
The problem was that he would have definitely dodged it, and I would have drawn the attention of Lex and the other kids in the canteen. I opted, therefore, to go out into the garden without adding a word and not paying the slightest attention to my friends' constant calls.
I ignored the fact that L would indeed talk about what had happened in the morning and turn the matter in his favour, portraying me as an irrational person who had woken up out of the blue and decided to attack him. A depiction that didn't come close to reality but which Rae would undoubtedly have thought possible, given that I had threatened him in front of her. It was a rather daunting thought, but it was definitely better than how I would have reacted if I had stayed.
I returned to writing on Mazzaroth shortly after I had placed myself in the shade of some tree at the back of the courtyard. At that moment, that diary seemed to be the only one capable of understanding me entirely, and it was only because it couldn't talk to me, reason with me, go against me and give me good reasons to believe that L wasn't the horrible being I persisted in describing.
I liked the way I could freely express my opinion on a piece of paper, without having to suffer the judgement of those on the other side, but years later, I would have wished Mazzaroth had done more and not only in the case of L. I would have hoped it had been as a human being with a mind of its own and a will of its own that it had pointed out to me those little things that would have spared everyone a lot of pain, despite it being something humanly impossible.
He always ruins everything, even lunch with Rae and Ayla. It's almost as if he wants to steal away the people I care about. He came to sit at our table because Rae allowed him to. I am not angry with her, because her kindness is part of her character, but I would like her to understand that she should not direct it at anyone who breathes.
"Have you taken up writing?"
I was pleasantly surprised at the sight of Lex but did not show it openly. I didn't expect him to come and talk to me at a time like that. Our conversations remained strictly class-related, as our two-year difference and the fact that I wasn't a social person didn't allow us to have the same group of friends.
"Yes, something like that." I closed the diary and set it aside. "Simple documentation, nothing exciting."
He settled to my left, his back resting against the trunk, his legs pulled up to his chest and his forearms on his knees.
As much as it was a lie, there was some truth in it: I was collecting informative material more or less daily, amplifying it with the emotions I felt.
"So, it is not documentation. Otherwise, you would have added details to make me better understand the subject of your study." He said with a smile. "I won't tell anyone that you have a secret diary."
"It's not very secret if I carry it around with me all day, don't you think?"
"Right." He chuckled. "You know, I'm not Wammy's House's Sherlock Holmes."
I had not considered such a name as an appellation for L because I associated that character with crime-fighting, which was lacking as far as that young boy was concerned since he was the anti-justice, and his actions were intended to create more disorder than anything else. However, specific characteristics of Sherlock Holmes were also attributable to him, although, at that exact second, only putting his fingers in his mouth was the only one that came to mind.
I wondered who Rae and Ayla represented among Arthur Conan Doyle's characters at that point, categorically excluding Dr. Watson because I refused to believe they were so closely attached to him.
"However, I can use my intuition and figure out what you're writing about... Or rather who." He continued.
"Your intuition or the fact that I walked away from my table as soon as he approached?"
"Both... Plus, him asking me about you, why you target him and if you are usually aggressive or if his is a specific case."
I couldn't believe L's audacity to have gone and questioned a passerby, with whom I had had no real interaction lasting more than five minutes, the origin of that question.
"When and why?" I asked him.
"An hour or so before lunch. He didn't explain why me. Honestly, he didn't even let me ask him." He replied. "He left as soon as I told him no. Maybe he thought we were friends?... Which I don't mind."
He emphasised the last part, perhaps expecting my view about the possibility of considering himself my friend, but that didn't come because of the thought of L, first, stealing precious time from me with Rae and Ayla and, then, going to the person I felt a certain admiration for, letting him know about my dislike of him, which I didn't hide particularly well, but didn't want to be publicly declared, didn't make me focus on the present and Lex.
My mind was projected towards the future and that little monster. I had to find a way to prevent his presence from ruining mine, getting me back on my routine and not feeling like I was losing control over many aspects of my existence.