Sometimes I expect to be treated badly by people who have always shown tolerance and understanding towards others.

I realise this is a strange way to start talking to you, Mazzaroth, but thunderstorms, like the one raging now, completely alter the atmosphere inside the Wammy's House. It forces those who are used to being outside to have to share the same space as those who prefer to be inside, and as stifling as it may be for them to be cooped up within four walls, this feeling of imprisonment is not reflected in their actions. They don't complain too much about the rain or go nagging those who, being mainly in the main hall, implicitly communicate that they want peace.

They have found themselves organising board or group games, in which they have fun but do not deny comfort to those who ask for it.

It somewhat reflects the spirit of Wammy's House, which is lost when everyone always seems to be in a hurry to improve themselves and is desperate to occupy every second of their day so as not to consider it wasted.

I don't share this pursuit of always having a complex activity to immerse oneself in, but I respect it. Perhaps it is the fact that I cannot imagine a future in which I try to be at the top of my career, whereas it is a constant desire that I find in everyone here.

I want to be a journalist because I enjoy writing, not because I want to be recognised globally for my articles. Lex joked that I could be, but the mere idea of having to find myself in such a situation is overwhelming.

The greater your fame, the greater the expectations associated with your persona, and you never know if

I just ripped out half a page, because that discourse is unimportant now and it ended up on my father.

The point is that this situation of general calm and cooperation between different poles creates a cosy, but also sentimental environment, in a way. I don't expect older guys, interested in others, to find themselves confessing eternal love in the main hall. That's not what I mean.

It allows me to focus on how I relate to them and how I expect to be treated. By looking from the outside, observing their behaviour, I can see what is different, which brings me back to the first sentence.

I know I am a pessimistic person in many situations. It's not something I deny or actually want to change in myself, because I don't feel that this aspect of mine tends to influence my life experience in an exaggerated way. I also feel unable at times to be optimistic, despite wishing it.

It is not, conversely, the reason why I expect others to behave differently; on the contrary, I fully understand why I have such expectations.

The question is why I think so, when others know nothing about it.

I have no doubt that there is not a single individual within this structure who knows about it, as I have avoided associating myself with the incident in any way. I told Rae and Ayla that I lived in a completely opposite part of my old abode. I never mentioned any tragic event in my life, except that of abandonment, which, theoretically, must be, even though I have no negative feelings in relation to it.

I have been careful in calculating my every word or action, so that there would be no suspicions about what I want to pass off as truth, and I am sure that no one asks questions, also because I imagine that many are more interested in themselves, their goals, their past, than to pay attention and time to researching what the reality is. Besides, we all know that it is against the rules to know someone else's identity. This last point alone taken independently should be enough to discourage anyone from meddling in a matter that does not concern them.

All this... It is not enough in my mind. In spite of all these good and logical reasons to believe that no one knows about my culpability, I do still have this fear that someone knows about it and refrains from telling me but informs other people. It's not something I consider, except on days like these, so it's an unconscious fear, which I don't realise until I'm alone in the canteen, forty minutes after lunch has finished.

I expected to receive significantly unusual treatment from Lex, not because I sprained his ankle – although relevant – but mainly because I think he knows about the tragedy and thinks I don't deserve sympathy.

I still think he should have been less lenient towards me.

I am not sure about wanting to resolve this 'issue', because it would mean believing that what I have caused is not wrong. If I no longer have this impression that I deserve a certain attitude, it means that I think I have done the objectively right thing for all parties, when, in fact, there was no way for that to happen.

I don't think there is a solution to this problem that can put me at peace, so I just acknowledge it. Writing it down has helped me to make it explicit in a concrete way. It also allows me to remember it.

Thank you, Mazzaroth, for being able to give me this chance.

"Are you still waiting for Rae and Ayla? Do you think they will come?" Lex asked me, slowly approaching the table I was sitting at.

I nodded, not even thinking about it too much. "Yes, because they know how important lunch is."

Lex seemed amused by that statement of mine, because he smiled. I was confused by that reaction of his, since I hadn't said something irrational: lunch was definitely essential in order to get through the rest of the afternoon. Of course, it was true that breakfast tended to be a fairly heavy meal; so, logically, you would hardly find yourself extremely hungry by twelve o'clock.

However, that day, it seemed to me that Rae and Ayla had woken up quite early and had had breakfast around seven. They had gone well over seven hours and fifty minutes without putting anything under their teeth. I knew they had not eaten before me, because I was always the one who arrived first and claimed the seats. I didn't allow anyone to take over our space, so I would rush into the canteen before the bell rang.

"Anyway, you forgot to mention that Rae joined the Apexes."

"I thought you didn't care." I said.

Lex wasn't into grades, rankings or prestige. From what I'd heard, he'd taken the first exam to see what level he was at, but then, it had never crossed his mind to advance and submit to more work. Since I had known him, I had only seen improvements in his performance; therefore, it was his own choice to stay at that intermediate point.

We were similar in that. The only difference was that his choice did not affect how others saw him, because he compensated in other ways, and was actually seen as a decision.

Some had the impression in there that I was incapable of reaching the top.

That differing opinion of theirs on two similar situations was due to have more friends, which was seen as something that had to be developed in order to be sufficiently able to take the passing exam.

"True, but I would have liked to hear it from you... Doggie of the Apex."

"That's a new one on me." I commented.

"Quite… Boring, unoriginal. I expected more. I mean, Rae in the Apex? Let me tell you: they missed an opportunity to come up with the slogan of the century." Lex continued. "No offence."

"They definitely lost some creativity along the way." I took a pause. "In any case, being at the top of the intellectual chain is impressive and I'm proud of her."

My tone of voice was not at all happy or extremely immersed in a pool of positive emotions, yet I hoped Lex would catch that unexpressed joy of mine, because I had nothing but words of praise for Rae, despite the fact that a part of me still didn't understand that mountain she had decided to climb.

There were times when I told myself that she had not done it of her own accord, but it was her innate abilities that led her to achieve that title. However, it didn't take into account the nights spent in the library, the thousands of papers scattered everywhere, and so on. She had done a lot of work to be able to sit at the top and everyone had to make a note of it and mention it when discussing her prowess.

The question, then, remained: what had actually been the reason she had to aspire to that position?

It had to be something else, in my opinion. It could not have been just the need to show off. It wasn't like her.

"Now, she's up there with Natal, Elioenai and Daralis." I added.

"Are Natal and Elioenai still around?" He chuckled. "I can't recall the last time I saw them, honestly."

"If you hadn't decided to practically fall asleep by my side—"

"I was listening to you! I know all the British football history because of you." He interjected.

I highly doubted he knew it, as he had leaned his head back against the trunk and closed his eyes as I explained how, from the 1850s, major urban institutions, such as churches, unions and schools, found themselves organising working-class boys and adults into recreational football teams.

I had noticed, but I had not stopped talking.

From a certain point of view, I had seen that action of his as a sign of trust, because not many would have stood on the grass, next to a person they were afraid of, and indulged in a gesture that would certainly have made them vulnerable.

If Lex had decided or happened to rest by my side, while in a reduced physical condition compared to anyone else, it meant that he would have expected a protective attitude from me, in case of a dangerous situation.

"I should verify that for myself." I retorted. "They were on the other side of the garden. Elioenai was reading a book to Natal, who was keeping his head on his lap. Poems, for sure, although the cover was completely white."

"Elioenai doesn't seem like the type to…"

"But Natal does."

I didn't want to get into a discussion about their friendship, because it wasn't something that concerned me, but it wasn't just that. It was hard to explain what was going on between the two from my point of view, completely ignorant of their situation and the evolution of their relation. There was something I couldn't understand, even though I found myself studying their non-verbal and verbal language whenever I happened to be around them.

I avoided acknowledging it directly, because I didn't want it to seem like a fixation – my interest in their relation. I knew it was not and never would be, because it was just envy. I wanted to be able to experience the same feelings they had in each other's company, and for a while, I would have lived in the illusion that I could do that, that I could wake up and feel that way even for a few days.

"Interesting... You seem to know a lot about those around you, even if you only talk to Ayla and Rae." He noted.

"Are we not talking?"

Lex chuckled. "No... Yes, I meant... Do you ever talk to them?"

"I don't need to. That knowledge can be acquired with a single glance."

In Natal's case, it had been fairly easy to identify his favourite genres, because whenever he entered the library, he usually headed for the aisles where there were collections of poetry and biographies. Given his fondness for the former genre, I knew that he practised writing his personal verses and, knowing Elioenai's expressive and melodic tone of voice, as much as it could be – given that he remained a thirteen-year-old boy –, it was logical to think that he had chosen him to voice his innermost thoughts.

It was another matter of their relationship that I couldn't fully understand: Natal trusted Elioenai blindly, to the point of handing over to him what he held most dear, his feelings, as I did with Mazzaroth. However, Mazzaroth was an inanimate object, who would never of its own accord share such information with third parties, while Elioenai was a human being with free will, who could simply decide to reveal whatever he knew about Natal.

"Who knows... Maybe you even kicked my eyes out and I went blind." He commented in a low voice, rolling his eyes.

"Maybe you'd better start walking so you can make it to your room by tonight."

"No." He shook his head, looking, then, at the watch on his wrist. "I'll wait for my assistant to finish lunch so she can carry me upstairs... She should be done any moment, about... 53 minutes ago."

I raised an eyebrow as Lex adjusted his shirt sleeve.

"I admire her determination." He added.

"They'll be here shortly." I affirmed, confident in the fact that they had given that moment of the day the same weight and value that I had decided to assign to it.

I didn't feel that Lex's constant prodding on the matter was directly a criticism of Rae and Ayla. It was more directed at the absurd resistance I was putting up to the possibility that lunch was not in the priorities of the two, because, for me, it was very important.

During the period of the slight disagreement we had, I obviously could not expect them to sit at the table with me, but, at that moment, there was nothing hostile between us.

Looking at Lex's unconvinced expression, I began to think that, perhaps, the discontent generated by L's departure had led them to feel a slight indifference towards me. However, I did not question our friendship, because that meeting did not encompass the meaning of it, but of myself.

"I'm going to the bathroom." He shifted slightly to the right. "I think I'll see you aga—"

"We kept her waiting!" Ayla exclaimed angrily on the threshold of the canteen.

"Apparently... You were right." Lex whispered with a small smile.

Lex began to prance away, while Ayla advanced briskly towards the table. Rae, on the other hand, kept a fairly calm pace. Everything seemed normal, even in Rae's way, with a nod of her head, and not Ayla's, who was more concerned with catching up with me quickly, of greeting the boy, and I stopped questioning myself.

"Lex, when was the first official meeting between two national football teams?" I queried, before the boy could leave the room and not hear me.

"On 30 November 1872, although it was scheduled for two o'clock, it started at two fifteen in the afternoon, between Scotland and Great Britain and ended in a draw. There were four thousand spectators." He replied without even turning around or stopping to walk away. "You should doubt me a little less."

More than surprised that he was actually paying attention to me, I was happy at the idea that although he had not actively participated in the conversation, it was still important or at least interesting to remember.

"Happy Nicaraguan Independence Day, Rae." I said, once the two sat down across from me.

"Thank you." She gave a slight nod, accompanied by a smile.

I wished I could have done more, to make the day seem more festive than it appeared, but the previous year Rae had denied the need for pompous celebration when, the month before, she had discovered me studying the history of the marimba – what I had managed to find –, and learning to play a few songs on a vibraphone found in the toy basket, and had guessed why I was doing it.

Since then, I had merely respected her decision and offered her my dessert at dinner on key days, as I had done on the 1st of September and the four days before.

"It's—" I started to say but was interrupted by Ayla.

"What, what exactly is going on between you and Lex? He's orbiting you more than usual. And the usual is you staring at him from afar and him thinking he's who knows who."

"Are you friends?" Rae asked.

We hadn't explicitly established how to define our interactions. I couldn't allow myself to label them, without having his fullest approval.

"I owe him." I spoke. "I sprained his ankle. I'm trying to make it up to him."

"Nonsense..." Ayla commented.

"Talking about football history?"

"Pointless!" Ayla rolled her eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you that you did good?"

Rae put a hand on her forearm. "We also saw you yesterday and the seventh together in the garden."

"Supongo que tengo que arreglar su otro tobillo..."

"Ayla, no!" She reprimanded her and, mentally, I supported her, as that threat seemed in the realm of possibility.

"What, you told me to do that."

"You gave her too much power with your rule." I intruded on their bickering, and she seemed to agree, as she sighed and shook her head, letting her go.

I watched as Rae began to separate the rice from the mushrooms and mentally damned myself for not deciding to reheat the meals, because she didn't like cold mushrooms and, generally, a hot lunch was better, especially on a day like that.

I mentally marked myself to compensate for that with something else in the afternoon.

"It's—"

"You haven't answered us yet." Rae noted, passing the rice to Ayla and taking her mushrooms.

"I've been reading a book on British football history and thought I'd talk to him about it, since he's a footballer."

"Footballer." Ayla whispered disgusted.

"Person who loves to play football." I corrected myself.

I didn't know whether or not to lie about why he had joined me in the garden on the 7th of September, as I had no intention of involving someone in that conversation who had to stop occupying most of my thoughts.

"We talked about L." I opted for the only choice that would have postponed for a while the break in trust they felt towards me. "If he hadn't got an answer from you, he must have thought to seek it from someone outside the project."

Rae and Ayla exchanged a glance, before turning back to look at me, and I guessed what question they were going to ask me; so, I decided to beat them to it, so that I could also finish my sentence.

"It was..." That word didn't want to come out at all, but it was the only thing that could describe the situation most completely. "Envy."

"I sensed that..." Rae commented and I frowned, slightly taken aback. "And, since you were one of the last people to see him, do you know, perhaps, why he left?" She continued.

I shook my head and Rae accepted that answer from me without insisting, but a strange tension decided to sit at our table, at my side, which I couldn't tell if it was internal or perceptible even by the two, who had started eating. I decided not to pay too much attention to it and tried to calm the growing feeling of panic I was experiencing.

"It's been 167 years." I suddenly affirmed and Rae smiled slightly. "How come you didn't arrive at your usual time?"

"Supongo que tengo que arreglar su otro tobillo..." - "I suppose I have to fix his other ankle..."