Despite it being a concluded episode, I thought I'd update you on what happened at lunch yesterday with Rae and Ayla. I'll gloss over the fact that I spent a few minutes talking to Lex and that the two of them arrived slightly later than usual, because I don't think that's an extremely important detail to consider.
Ironically, while I was talking about Natal and Elioenai with Lex, Rae and Ayla were talking to the two. To be precise, Ayla was putting away a game in the library and had seen Rae, who was having a discussion with them. She had told her that they should hurry up, because they were already late enough, but then she was sucked into the conversation or, in her words, 'forced to stay and listen'.
The topic of discussion? L.'s project.
Having asked for explanations myself, I could not escape from that, from any flattery towards him that they had in mind and wanted to air loudly.
However, it did not happen. They said nothing positive, or negative for that matter. It was simply a neutral conversation about Natal and Elioenai's views on the matter, nothing more.
L's sudden departure has shaken them a little and, strange as it may seem, they have the impression that he has not simply been transferred to another orphanage, but that there is something more 'sinister' going on. Of course, they have no evidence to support their thesis, other than general impressions and Watari's silence, which are not valid, but it does not dissuade them from this idea, absurd though it may be.
They did not fully expose their hypotheses, because they were not sure and did not want to alarm others, but they tried to gather as much information as possible about him by interviewing other former members of the project.
I was therefore mistaken about them when I saw them outside in the garden. Elioenai was not reading poetry, but transcripts of their answers and descriptions of their non-verbal language and the way they expressed themselves. I expected some accuracy from Elioenai, but the precise way in which he reported every single detail, even the most insignificant, in the little time available – another detail marked in the notebook – is impressive.
I didn't get a chance to read and analyse everything, because if I had lingered, I would only have risked getting caught. I've put it off for another time, but their records can help me understand who L was. I have no intention of using them to locate him in the near future or to find out his real name, as I believe it is a line not to be crossed.
No matter what, I must respect the rules within the orphanage, even for those who have abandoned it. I can only accept to learn about the identity of others, if they tell me on their own initiative, after thinking it through and calculating all possible consequences, even the most negative ones. I am not saying that I would use such information to extort anything for my own benefit or even as revenge. I just think it is wise to assess the repercussions of such actions, even when it is about me and when I am sure I am not prone to such mean-spirited behaviour.
The reason I seek clarification on his person is to have one answer, but until I find it, I will not write the question.
In any case, this reminded me – although it is not as if I had actually forgotten – of L's computer. Initially I thought I would wait a few weeks, so that all the turmoil created would dissipate and the eventual discovery of what I had done would not provoke any general indignation, although I do not understand why it should create it, since it could simply be put in the library and used as a study tool alongside the one that already exists.
I realised, though, that stalling reduces my chances of getting my hands on it, since they might eventually remove it from the room. I know it is still there for now, because after Rae and Ayla's frantic search on 10th September, the door has never been touched; therefore, nothing inside has been moved.
It is thirty minutes to midnight and I know it is the best time to try to do this, because someone will surely have to go to the bathroom and see me.
Since I have an open book at my side, they will think I am taking notes. They will not ask questions about my real intentions and why I am sitting there in the dark, with only a torch held between my teeth to illuminate the notebook resting on my thighs.
Once in the bathroom, I will go into L's room. The sound of the door closing will be perceived by them as my re-entry and it will not be strange.
Could I have left my room and gone to his room, without playing this little game? Yes, but that would have been suspicious from many points of view.
The main one is that, surely, a person is awake. If they were to hear someone leave and go into another room, they would assume that they had gone to the bathroom and wait for them to finish. With the passage of time and silence, they would begin to wonder what is taking them so long. They would try to understand the situation and end up knocking on the bathroom door, receiving no answer. After returning to their room, they would tell their possible roommates still awake or, if not then, in the morning, which would only be fuel for gossip, that would target the older guys, as is often the case.
However, with me outside, the closing of the door to L's room would be mistaken for mine and the talk would end there.
To return to my room, I would simply enter the bathroom, wait three minutes and leave. Nothing more.
I don't really expect anyone to count the number of times a door closes or opens, but I'd better be careful.
After all, Elioenai also counts the number of times someone blinks per minute.
I'm not worried about Rae and Ayla, because they know that my bedtimes don't follow the typical schedule and, besides, I know theirs. I use this to my advantage when I have to turn on my torch at night and write something, so that I don't risk forgetting it and without having to wake them up.
The point is that my possible absence of half an hour – because I don't plan to be there all night, unless I manage to find something extremely interesting, which needs more time – should not cause any problems.
However, considering that it's L and he was able to manipulate Watari, even though, given what happened, I think he turned out to be more swayable than expected – which I could use to my advantage in the future –, I imagine one of them erased everything he created in those few days. It might be a futile endeavour, but I might as well try, because I don't lose anything in doing so. Not putting it into practice, yes, as I would be left with doubt.
I heard a door open and immediately turned my head in the direction of the noise, illuminating Lex who was exiting the last room on the left, trying to coordinate his steps and intent to close the door without turning around, using one of the crutches.
He had told me that it was not at all to his liking to have to use them and he much preferred simply walking on the cast, despite the doctor's prohibition, or hopping on one leg, which, at that moment, counted as the training he could no longer perform.
He looked up at me and a happy expression appeared on his face. I felt like smiling too, because he seemed genuinely pleased to see me and that delighted me, but I avoided it.
"It is said that the most talented authors write mainly at night." He managed to close the door to the room and slowly approached.
I took the torch out of my mouth but continued to point it towards the boy.
"The only difference is that this is not a publishable book."
"Unfortunately."
"It's boring as a diary."
It wasn't my personal opinion. I imagined it might be one formulated by an outsider. I didn't think anyone could care to know what I thought and felt every day. Only an inanimate object could stand my idle talk, certainly not an individual who had a mind of their own and other interests and priorities.
"We all need something soporific." He spoke. "I doubt it is, though, since you're here, ten minutes from midnight, writing."
"Moral obligation, more like. I aim to write every day, as much as I can."
"And how's that going?"
Honestly, I was surprised by his interest in that activity of mine. I expected him to exchange a few words out of courtesy, but he seemed intent on having a real conversation, that I had no time to engage in. I had to get to L's room as soon as possible, so in case I found something that would keep me there for hours that I wouldn't run into early risers.
"I skipped two days." I replied.
"Outrageous of you! What happened that was so bad that you couldn't fulfil your obligations?"
I merely shifted my gaze to his cast, before returning to his face.
He understood on the fly what I meant. "So, we're even, right? I broke your routine, you broke my ankle."
"It's not broken. And what you did is definitely worse." I closed the diary, put the pen in its usual place, and stood up, picking up the other book I had brought with me as well.
"Really?"
"Yes. You could have had an irascible person prone to committing immoral actions." I answered.
"You are not prone to committing immoral actions."
His confident tone surprised me, because he did not know me at all, but he saw in me a person who was, if not good, at least decent and confirmed the fact that he did not know my past.
"If it hadn't been me." I clarified.
"So..." He looked around for a second. "How is that worse?"
"The possibility was enough."
"You could have paralysed me."
"I could do far worse."
"What...?" He whispered and I realised what I had just said and bitterly regretted it.
"If I had been that kind of person." I immediately added, so as to undo the damage
I fervently hoped he would interpret it in the context of our conversation, because I didn't want to push him away from me, now that it seemed clear we could have a friendship. I didn't want to lose him and for him to go around saying I was 'dangerous'.
I liked to think that I wasn't, and since some people enjoyed making fun of me behind my back, it meant that they thought I was harmless, even though I had had certain misunderstandings in the past with some people anyway. In any case, I wanted to keep it that way, but if Lex told them what I said, I risked losing that title and I couldn't allow that. However, if I threatened him, I was going to cause more trouble than anything else, but what choice did I have?
"Lex, if you say—" I started to speak, but his nervous giggle stopped me from continuing.
"You're scary at night." He said, shaking his head and with a smile on his face.
I immediately calculated what my possible options were to show that I didn't mean those words, and the one that seemed most appropriate was to exaggerate that talk, so that it wouldn't come across as credible.
"I don't feel like I'm giving that impression. I'm definitely reassuring at this hour." I rested my gaze on his cast, before returning to look at his face. "If you put your all into it and ignore the pain, how fast would you say you could run?"
He looked at me in silence for five interminable seconds, in which I merely stared at him, with no particularly calming expression on my face. I thought it unlikely, at that point, that he actually believed I could hurt him or that I had any intention to.
"Just out of curiosity." I added, altering my tone so that it conveyed a feeling of nonchalance.
"Oh, shut up." He chuckled, approaching the bathroom.
I could, though, detect a real tone of agitation in his voice, which, combined with his apparent attempt to flee or walk away, had a distinctly different effect from the one I had hoped for. Had I not made my irony clear? Or had my speech not been unstable enough?
"Good night, Lex." I hastened to utter, straining to give those words an intonation that would go some way to calming any feelings of concern I thought he was experiencing.
"Sleep well, Ethe." He reciprocated, turning his head towards me and smiling. "See you in the morning."
He entered the room, closing the door behind him.
I stood for a few moments with my torch still pointed at the spot he had occupied a few seconds before, trying to make sense of the situation.
It was definitely not all tossed up in the air, but somehow, I felt that I had damaged our fledgling relationship. I wondered what reaction I had wanted to get from him, because my initial intention was to make him laugh, but it had all faded into a chasm from which it seemed impossible to save it.
I did not know what result I hoped to achieve in order to realise that I did not commit a mistake, but I had never done anything extremely violent to him that could have led him to think I was a person capable of hurting him.
Was it, therefore, the way I appeared that created that prejudice against me?
I looked down at the watch on my wrist, noting that it was only two minutes to midnight and that was my only chance to put that plan into action.
I shouldn't have wasted that time mulling over the possibility that that interaction had permanently altered his opinion of me, since I would have had another moment to do so, and I could have tested that assumption the next morning when we saw each other again. There were other reasons why standing in the middle of the hallway thinking was a bad idea, including the fact that, once he came out of the bathroom, he would find me there again and that would make him even more uncomfortable.