Surprisingly, or perhaps not, since bringing out such a device would surely have been noticed by someone, despite the fact that L disappeared overnight, without making any noise whatsoever – a bit like he used to come up behind me without warning –, the computer is still in the same spot where I last saw it.

It got some dust. That was to be expected. I cleaned it with the sleeve of my pyjamas, as the room is completely empty except for this object in the middle of it and the wardrobe behind me, locked. I don't have what it takes to open it.

There is no bed, which is strange. Where did he sleep until now? On the floor? I don't think he had another room to rest in, unless someone is hiding the fact that he was staying there, as if it were a state secret. If that were the case, it would be another reason to add to the ways in which L was treated differently from the rest of us, even if he had no right to get privileges from Watari, because no one should have them in a place like this. We should all be treated equally by those in charge of us.

In any case, there is absolutely nothing to check. Even the computer has been perfectly cleared of every single thing that could hint at his presence here.

It's almost as if L never existed, that he was just a figment of our minds... Or only of mine, since I seem to be the only one so interested in his things. Not even Elioenai or Natal ventured in here, even though it should have been their first destination. Maybe they knew. Being part of his project, they had the chance to be in close contact with him and stay in his room more often than I, who was never invited, but made an unexpected appearance.

The book I threw is not here. He probably put it back in the library. I haven't checked, but I think I will in the morning to make sure. It's strange that I haven't already, but still, the situation he created with his arrival and departure was quite unusual in itself. Of course, not because he arrived and then left, but the connection to my past. Just that, because an orphan coming and going is the norm.

In one way, I think I envy the way he appeared and disappeared, leaving no physical trace. Not also abstract, because there will always be this kid called L, in my head, who was considered a genius, so much so that he had a mission and a self-chosen title accepted by the majority, who was supported by Watari blindly and who led enough people to respect and idolise him, without doing anything to actually deserve it.

He didn't have to do anything and people who didn't know him at all threw themselves at his feet, while I couldn't even be seen by my

That's not the part I wanted to focus on. It's more the fact that I disappeared from my old life, but I left many marks of my presence, which I cannot erase as one does to a computer file.

Those signs remain. They remain in my memory, in the memory of those I have hurt with my actions, in the memory of those who are no longer free because of me. I don't know who among us is the one who pays the consequences the most, but I do know who the main culprit is, and that is me.

I wonder if I could have disappeared like L did.

Leaving this topic entirely, I have a confession to make, and I'll tell you, so I have a moral obligation to fulfil.

Every day that I write in this diary, I feel more and more like burning every single page, because it is strange for me to share what I think so openly and, on the one hand, I have the feeling that I shouldn't do it. Not because I'm afraid someone will find it and think I'm weird for my thoughts or find out I lied, even though it's relevant, but because I think these emotions I'm feeling are wrong, that I shouldn't be externalizing them and that it's pathetic of me to do so.

Telling you dissuades me from destroying you, because we both know about it, even if saying so causes unpleasant feelings in me. Therefore, I continue, and I imagine I will continue, to feel a huge weight on my chest when I find myself telling you about the world according to my subjective view of it, because it almost seems as if I am alternating it and that is not fair, but writing that I feel bad in doing so seems to break down another wall and build a new bridge between us, since it is another aspect of me that you are aware of and that, now, I cannot hide.

It will seem strange to you, all this. The reason for your existence, Mazzaroth, is to be able to freely describe what I see and what I feel, without being judged. I thought you would help me be more open and less 'mechanical', but I feel guilty feeling any emotion and describing it makes me feel worse.

I am really trying not to throw you away, but I feel that I am in a complete and endless conflict with myself. I don't know how long I can resist against this impulse of mine... Or necessity, because it would definitely make me feel better not having you, but I want to feel more normal and this is the only method I have left, as I don't have many other alternatives.

If I behave with others the way I do with you, it would be weird, and they would leave. Honestly, I don't know if I am afraid of being abandoned, but I do know what it is like to be left alone to fend for yourself. It is not easy.

Certainly, it was an extremely different situation from this one, where I found it difficult just to survive. Now, I find myself in a place that can give me what I need, so maybe being alone won't be like before and I won't have to

I leaned my head against Mazzaroth, closing my eyes and trying to calm the headache and lump that formed in my throat, and before I knew it, I fell asleep. It was not my intention to do so, also because I should have left L's room as quickly as possible, but it was my body that had commanded it, as if to prevent me from bursting into any kind of crying, and I had simply obeyed.

I woke up a few hours later, when I felt something soft settle on my back. I opened my eyes, noticing the computer screen on, even though I remembered turning it off and using my torch, which was no longer illuminating me, to write. I pulled myself up on my elbows and rubbed my eyes, not asking myself any questions about the blanket I had on, because my mind was still in a state of drowsiness.

I remained in that position for a few seconds and re-evaluated the possibility of going back to sleep, since it still seemed to be the middle of the night, but, of course, it was an option I couldn't really put into practice. I had to return to my bedroom without being seen.

"How much longer are you going to stay in my room?"

Hearing his voice again, when I had already convinced myself that I would never see him again, completely paralysed my body and, above all, my mind. Impossible as it was, I did not have a single thought. My brain turned into a black hole and every observation about the situation was nipped in the bud, not uttering a single syllable.

Slowly, I shifted my gaze to the right, observing every single plank of wood, until I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, feet partially covered by blue trousers. I pulled myself up, as slowly as I had scanned the floor, and sat down, placing my eyes on L's.

For a second, I had the impression that I was in some kind of twisted dream, triggered by the obsession I had had for that boy in those days, but when I blinked, he did not disappear. He stood there staring at me, expecting me to answer his question, but I couldn't even remember what he had said, as if seeing him had erased all memories prior to that moment.

In a small, remote part of my mind, the impulse arose to bring a hand closer to his face, so as to see if he was actually real, but he decided to speak, confirming my greatest fear.

"If you, X and T have not made up, I can prepare a place for you in the corner so that you don't bother me." He continued.

"Why are you here?" I asked in a low voice.

"It's my room."

"You know what I mean." My tone of voice turned out to be weaker than expected and I couldn't tell if it was because I had risked crying, if I was saving my energy to scream at him later, or simply avoiding creating too much of a mess so as not to wake the others.

Honestly, the last option was the least likely because I didn't care who would wake up because of me at a time like that.

My worst nightmare had just come true: L had returned, while Rae and Ayla had ceased to exist again, and their identities had been replaced by useless, meaningless letters. And, in part, it was also my fault, since I had created the illusion that L was gone forever and had not used that time to convince the two of them that the project was stupid, useless and harmful.

Of course, I didn't only feel hatred towards the project, which, it seemed, would be operational again.

"I was thinking of talking about it later so I can rewrite it on the computer, but you seem to be impatient and I don't want to irritate you at this hour, so..." He pulled himself up and leapt over me, heading for a backpack he had placed by the door.

I took L's blanket off me, moving it as far away from me as possible, and stood up.

I was actually disgusted to think that an object used by him had covered me, but the worst part was knowing that L had thought, even for a second, that I needed that, as if to feed this myth of the defender of justice he had decided to create around himself.

I watched the index finger and thumb of his right hand grasp the upper right-hand corner of the pages, flicking through them slowly.

"Turn on the light, if you can't see." I spoke.

"It's for you that I don't turn it on." He gave me a side glance, before turning back to his papers.

He had already considered the possibility that I was a threat. It didn't surprise me that he understood the reason for my suggestion, even though I was at a distance that wouldn't allow me to read even the headers. I could always get closer; therefore, he preferred not to risk it, which meant I would have to find a way to get hold of the binder.

He pulled out a paper, continuing to hold it by the corner, and approached me.

"You said you thought I was in the wrong institution." He began, handing me the piece. "You're wrong."

He nodded to invite me to take the item, but I avoided it, because I had no intention of accepting information directly given by him, because I didn't believe for one second that he was actually sincere in his intentions.

He was definitely manipulating the reality of the facts to his liking. I could not accept that.

"This is a summary of what I have been doing for the past seven days. I am in the right place." He continued. "I won't give you whole binder for obvious reasons. Do you think you could have some respect for me and not take it?"

It was an absurd request. He had placed the lure himself. He couldn't really expect me not to be hooked.

He knew it. He was only saying all those words to irritate me, to provoke me, to get a reaction from me, and I was aware of that. What I didn't realise was something else, that his vocabulary wasn't very different from mine: it lacked the same terms.

"Just so you can tell me I'm not right?"

"And so that you stop attacking me." He replied.

"If I ever attacked you, none of us would be here." I retorted.

L said nothing. He merely raised the paper to my face level. I snatched it from his hands and tore it to pieces, throwing them to the ground.

"You are pathetic." I continued. "You wasted seven days obsessing over something I said out of spite. How does that make you feel? Do you think you're smart? Are you proud of yourself and what you've done?"

He continued to look at me, without opening his mouth, which only fuelled my anger.

"Your project will fail, and you with it."

"What about X and T? Will they fail with me?"

I remained silent for a few seconds, shifting my gaze to the computer, noticing an improperly inserted floppy disk in its unit.

I suppressed the urge to pounce on L and let him know what their aliases were, because I didn't want to confirm his misinterpretation of the way I was acting. I wasn't attacking him, and I wasn't going to resort to violence.

"Rae and Ayla will realise they don't need you." I replied, turning back to him.

He shrugged. "You didn't answer my question."

I was reminded of Ayla's defeated expression and felt a tightening in my stomach.

If she had only felt that way at his departure, which had left nothing concrete to deal with. I couldn't imagine what the complete and utter failure of that job would cause, years after its establishment.

Both of them had already lied to me about their emotions and opinions on the matter, just so as not to create any more discord between us and continued to investigate behind my back the reason for what happened, excluding me from the research for obvious reasons that I had generated, which made me feel emotionally distant from them.

That situation would only be magnified if the project were to be cancelled for good, now that L had returned.

L knew that and was using it to his advantage to persuade me not to interfere irreversibly. My words had prompted him to leave the orphanage for a week, making everyone think he was gone permanently. I had to weigh my influence on his decisions appropriately.

"What did you promise them?" I asked him.

"It's a secret, but if you know them well enough, I'm sure you have an idea."

"Did you really..."

L nodded.

"Is that how you persuaded them to participate?"

"No. They agreed of their own accord." He replied, going to confirm my guess as to why they had accepted quickly: he had done something to make them believe he was good at it. "This is just so they don't think they have wasted useful time."

I was annoyed at the way he used something I cared about against me. It made me want to do the opposite of what he was asking of me. However, it was not the right situation to behave like that: I could not rob them of the opportunity to fulfil their most intimate desires.

It didn't matter that I didn't trust L and his abilities in the slightest. They had decided to place their faith in him, and I had to take their wishes into account, even if the selfish feeling that had brought me to Wammy's House was growing in me – that of acting as I pleased, heedless of the consequences that fell upon others.

I would have tried to suppress it, as a good friend should, but it would never have left me completely. I would become better at ignoring it, which meant that it would not disappear at all, but locked away in a mental cage, and I just had to hope that it would not acquire the ability to pick locks.

I reached down to pick up Mazzaroth and, with my left hand, grabbed the floppy disk.

"Don't delude them." I said, turning back to face him.

L was an incompetent like few in my eyes. I thought he would not be able to fulfil his promises; therefore, putting emphasis on that was a kind of basis for a possible justifiable revenge.

Holding Mazzaroth under my arm, I broke the disk in two.

"Otherwise..." I moved closer and slammed the halves against his chest. "Your neck—"

I paused, realising that I could not turn back from such a threat, but more than anything, I had made myself a promise and that was that I would not so openly and freely follow in the footsteps of those whose freedom I had stolen, who had given me that intellectual heritage quite generously.

I couldn't betray myself for L or even show him that he was right, because he wasn't.

"My neck...?" L asked.

"Do your best for their sake."

It didn't have the same effect as telling him that his neck would be next, because I could perfectly well hold the hatchet that Watari had bought months ago, but I realised it was better not to say it, partly because I also didn't want L to be able to find out why all the bicycles at the orphanage had ended up with malformed and unusable chains on the 13th of June that year – a fact that still had no one responsible to blame.

I did not see L's reaction directly, because I walked away, without waiting for an emotional or verbal response from him. I thought he was confused by my sudden change of tone, but...

"Are you sure you're in the right kind of institution, Ethelinda?" L asked as I rested my hand on the doorknob.

"Do you want to find the answer to that too?"

I waited for him to say something, but L didn't, and I returned to my bedroom.

I was surprised to see that the room was much brighter than L's or the corridor, which led me to the realisation that it was more morning than I had imagined, later confirmed by a quick glance at my watch, which read five thirty-six.

I sighed and, although it wasn't exactly what I wanted to do, gently touched Ayla's shoulder, who was sleeping blissfully on her left side.

"Ethe...?" She whispered, half-opening her eyes. "Is something wrong? Are you alright?"

Her concerned tone somehow managed to dispel some of the reluctance I felt, but at the same time, made my heart ache to know that I would be willing to favour myself over someone who had been by my side all that time and who had treated me better than my parents had.

I was reminded of him and of that day.

"L has returned."

Ayla immediately pulled herself up to her seat. "What?! Are you serious?!"

I nodded, moving off the side of the bed, allowing her to rush out of the room. I had seen her many times happy or pumped up, but that exaltation was different. It made me feel slightly jealous and annoyed, because L did not deserve to be greeted like that.

I turned towards my bed, laying Mazzaroth on it, noticing that it was missing its personal pen and that I had also forgotten to take my torch. I huffed, putting my hands to my face and rubbing my eyes. I was undecided whether to go and retrieve them or get some new ones, but I put it off for later, so I could recover the energy I had wasted on dealing with L.

I woke Rae up too, but she didn't seem as enthusiastic as Ayla to jump out of bed. She preferred to allow L to adjust himself again before interacting with him.