The day before yesterday, Lex decided to pay me a visit.

The circumstances that led him to such a visit are more complicated than this. He, probably, saw my pen on the floor, because L decided to put it there, and thought of knocking to tell me to take it. It was I, then, who signalled him to come into my room, as I had no intention of having a conversation in the middle of the corridor with L present, as he would surely be listening to us.

He tends to disregard the confidentiality of other people's discussions, but I don't want to spend too much time describing or talking about him. I guess you're getting tired too.

I wanted this diary to be different in its content. I wanted to be able to talk about things that weren't just melancholic and irritating, but L ruined that too.

Sure, I wanted to be able to express myself freely and delve into my moods, even the more uncomfortable ones, but it's different when everything revolves around him and my past and not what I'm experiencing.

The existence of the anti-justice in my life only keeps me anchored to a person who should no longer exist.

I told myself to drop this term, but I decided to use it only with you, because Rae, Ayla and Lex would not understand the myriad facets that such a word contains and how appropriate it is for L. I didn't say it to Lex or Ayla, but their reaction would be no different from Rae's if I were to expose it to them as well; therefore, I avoid the humiliation of being contradicted on something I firmly believe in.

Anti-justice is everything that should be justice, but fails to be. L is everything I wish he were, but he is not at all. I wish he was really gone, but he is still here and seems intent on staying, as he does not consider his presence a burden to anyone.

I think he believes he is the opposite: some kind of blessing, because he has arrived and seems to have the solution to whatever problems his chosen ones have.

I think this is one of the great aspects of his anti-justice, because he did not decide to do this regardless of their participation in the project, but as a bargaining chip for the fact that they accepted.

I am not saying that he should take my problem on his shoulders, because there is nothing that can be done to solve it. It's a closed case or, in any case, if they are still working on it, there's no getting him out of there.

However, if I were someone who could have their life turned upside down again, but in a positive way, and I wasn't picked, I would have hated his selfishness. Not to mention that taking on such responsibilities only shows his mania for greatness and believing himself capable of incredible missions.

Lex told me to give him a chance, that he is not as evil as I seem to conceive him in my head, and I have to be honest: it is becoming difficult to keep quiet about the real motivations behind my actions.

I am not angry with him or unnerved by his words. I don't want to lash out at him, because I don't want to burn a bridge that could make him my friend in the fairly near future.

I just told him, in the calmest tone possible, that it is a complicated matter that I have to resolve, then shifted the focus of the conversation to something else. He seems to have taken my answer as a step towards a common solution that would put my mind and L's at peace, when that could not be further from the truth.

He mentioned that he had talked to L – alone, I think – but I could not ask him more, since he had revealed it when we were also in his presence. I didn't draw attention to that information, because I'm trying not to be 'obsessed' with everything L does, despite the fact that everyone around me has made him the subject of many discussions.

You can well understand why it is becoming a struggle to hide it. They do not understand my point of view and I cannot explain it. That most irrational part of my mind thinks it would be so much easier if I were honest, but it is not.

I'm not even sure I can explain what happened in words, because I never had the chance to, not that I ever wanted to. Watari and others never forced me to do it, though for two different reasons. The others didn't think I was capable enough to understand the situation and express myself fluently and coherently, while Watari noticed that I wasn't capable for other motives, or at least that's what I thought.

Perhaps, actually, he preferred not to ask me about it, because he didn't care. He has never cared.

It has been a long time, anyway – although it never seems long enough for me to get away from that Friday –, and there are many more important things.

L, for example.

And he brought him here and never explained why he is called that. He must have erased from his memory what I said to him that month or not consider my situation worth noting.

Fortunately, I have learnt not to trust adults and I have always believed that there wasn't actual thoughtfulness on his part towards me.

I should thank him actually, because now I understand his opinion of me, without him having to make it explicit. I can always have a positive assessment of the work he and Roger do for the other orphans, since none of them have ever complained, but I don't know if I consider my transfer to this facility in the same way.

My stay here is no longer so pleasant, and I would like to resume the intention I had. I really want to leave. I should not be here.

I shouldn't even have friends or people who care about me, like Rae and Ayla do. It hurts to know that they trust me, when the only real thing about my existence that they are aware of is my appearance – but even then, there is a piece missing – and my passions – which I am not one hundred per cent sure of, because they do not make me happy.

It is too late to be honest. How can I tell them that I have lied about everything about myself and that I am a bad person? It's not fair to them, I know, but I can't let them go. Their mere presence makes me feel good, as absurd as that sounds. They have always been patient with me and, even if there is some bickering, I can't perceive any malicious feeling on their part.

It's just a disagreement, not a rupture.

It is also too late to ask for a relocation. Last night, Ayla forced me to make a deal and I have to keep it.

She swore to me that the project would not interfere with our friendship, and I promised her that my opinion on L would not separate us under any circumstances. Although she does not understand my reasons, she wanted to make it clear that I remain one of her priorities; thus, I am stuck in this paradoxical situation, where staying and leaving have the same result.

At least Ayla seems decidedly more cheerful with his return. She spends a lot of time talking to him. I don't know the topic of their conversations, but they don't seem to be just about their work. They seem to be casual chats. I haven't asked her anything about it and I haven't approached them to hear anything, but this is the first time I've seen Ayla so happy and animated while talking to a boy.

I can only think of three hypotheses as to why she is behaving this way with L, and I sincerely hope it is the most rational one, that is, that she is doing it to keep him close, since he has offered to help her. Nothing else, because one of the other two options is impossible: it would imply that L is a decent enough person, and she can bear his presence for more than a few seconds.

I know that Ayla has a distinctly different opinion of L than I do, but from a perfectly impartial standpoint, L is no better than Lex and Ayla does not like Lex in the slightest; therefore, she cannot spend time with L because she considers him a pleasant subject.

The third hypothesis is the most irrational one I can think of and needs the second to be true in order to have a valid basis to be conceivable. I think Ayla is quite reasonable and this is out of the ordinary for her.

I am not even going to mention what I am referring to, because it is simply ridiculous.

Apart from having him by her side to keep his commitment, she is certainly happy to engage with him because he is a new kid and because he managed to beat her.

Her sad face in the library reappeared before my eyes. Although I did not openly admit it to myself, I suspected that she had been unhappy only because L had simply left without telling her anything.

Ayla was capable of making friends in record time and, probably and unhappily, L had gotten into her good graces, one way or another. It was difficult for me to understand this; hence, I preferred not to consider it a possibility at all and consider Ayla's behaviour to be driven by selfish but justifiable motives.

In any case, even finding her parents as a reason seemed not to explain why she was so close to him, since the project itself existed to counterbalance the promise made by L. She didn't have to do anything else, but Ayla did.

Was he that funny? Was he that nice? Was he that interesting? What did L have to say that the rest of us couldn't offer? That I couldn't give her?

I understood that he was still to be regarded as a 'newcomer', that he could share information different from the others, but he didn't seem like the kind of person who had much to tell, beyond his own proposition.

I doubted that they only talked about that, because he would have to involve others as well, so as to be fair to everyone, although he was not an honest person, but he must have had some moral obligation to be even-handed, as not to lose participants. Perhaps they did not care so much about being treated differently, because, in their eyes, it could mean being considered according to their specific situation, even though it was a group project.

It was possible, consequently, that Ayla would only talk about her condition, without worrying about the rest, but I knew her well enough to know that she did not discuss a single topic for hours, except for chemistry.

I wanted to be able to be around to them, so I could understand her motives, but at the same time, I preferred to remain ignorant, because I had made a compromise not to meddle and I had to keep it, so as not to unintentionally ruin Rae and Ayla's work.

I knew that learning more details of their interactions would lead me to condition Ayla into hating L, and I didn't want that. I wanted her to do it on her own, so that it would be a truthful feeling without retaliation, because if L or Rae would point out to her that I was the one who had led her to that idea, our friendship would be over.

I hoped that my 'obsession' with that boy was something transient, though really unlikely, but I wanted to have this futile hope that I would feel indifference towards him, even tough there was an infinitesimal probability that I would be able to accept the fact that he was present in the same place I was.

Obviously, the idea of spending another nine years with him was a future that did not sound appealing at all. I had to find a solution that I hoped would be more or less permanent, even if it meant putting my trust in a place I would never again consider as a possibility.

I shifted my gaze to the entrance of the dining hall, from which I could perfectly catch a glimpse of Ayla and L playing an undefined board game at our typical spot. Ayla had her back to me, while L was squatting on the bench in my usual spot. I couldn't deny that it bothered me, because it represented one of the biggest fears I had.

I heard Watari's office open and turned to watch the old man close the door behind him and walk away with papers in his hand, heading for Roger. I took a deep breath, stood up and, moving slowly, positioned myself in front of the room to wait for him.