Mazzaroth, I have so many things to update you on, but I don't seem to have the time to do it, because it goes by so fast, and I feel like I'm running in place trying to get to it.

I find out that Ayla is getting help from Rae to reach the Apexes and, while this is something positive, it seems to create a further distance between us, on top of the one that exists because of how much time she spends with L, because she has started since she mentioned that, with L's absence, she could concentrate on reaching her.

Seventeen days have passed since then, and I haven't noticed in the slightest that she had indeed begun to work. I didn't even manage to grasp the fact that it was a serious intention and not one of her usual plans that would take a long time to rest before being implemented.

I am happy that she has decided to go down this road, no matter how much I don't approve of the Apex, but she seems to be getting away from me with each passing day.

Rae has started spending more time with Daralis. What if Ayla also joins them and I turn out to be in the way? Both of them always told me that their position didn't create any difference between us, but what if it did and they preferred Daralis rather than someone who doesn't try in any way to improve herself and isn't remotely close to what she is?

I do not possess any of her characteristics either. She is very funny, as I always hear those around her laughing. She is friends with everyone somehow. She has beautiful red hair and freckles. She is also in L's project.

Even L has noticed that I am avoiding Ayla, which also means that she has understood it, because she is much more skilled at observation than he is, but she has not said anything to me, and it is natural for me to wonder why.

If it doesn't bother her that I do this, does it mean that my presence or absence at her side makes no difference? Why, then, did we make that pact? Had she felt morally obliged to me, without it being accompanied by any affection? Was she pretending? Is that why she seems to prefer L's company more than mine?

I don't know what to think, but I don't want to lose her, and I want to show her that I can be her friend, worthy of being so.

That's why I've decided to force myself to talk to Watari. I'm currently waiting for him to come out of his office and go to his room, as it's already late. I'm positive he hasn't gone to bed yet, because I've been here since after supper. I've sat down near the wall, with my dinosaur colouring book, so I can catch his eye immediately.

I've already run away a couple of times, but even if I feel the urge to leave, as I already do, I won't. I will walk up to him, whatever my mind should tell me or my body should feel. I thought of using another issue as an opening to speak about him, like my shoulder wound, because it gives him an idea of the direction I want to go with the talk.

Should I not be able to get up – because, as right now, my legs tremble slightly under your weight, Mazzaroth –, I have something planned to get his attention: I will stab my right thigh with the pen. In the mental projection of my plan, this worked flawlessly, but then, I realised that it did not take into account reality and my innate sense of self-preservation that prevents me from causing myself unnecessary pain; therefore, I have already practised.

I have been able to calibrate the force I have to use, but now, I have the fear of being able to hide any screams, because I have already had to do that. I have taught myself to bear it; so, what I have to fight is not so much that characteristic of mine, but my predisposition to avoid making noise. I don't want anyone to hear me, which is inevitable with the deathly silence that always descends on Wammy's House at this hour.

Under these circumstances, the most rational choice is simply to get up and, perhaps, I should already do so and position myself directly in front of his office.

I closed Mazzaroth and did just as I had intended, as it would have allowed me to be caught as well, if I had tried to evade my objective any further. He would tell me to stop before I could even reach the stairs. If I had remained seated, I could have hidden in the semi-darkness and hoped that Watari's eyes would not rest in my direction. I could also have moved slowly to the left, towards the entrance. Besides, he would have taken my presence there as my desire to colour in peace, rather than the need to talk to him. He would have sent me to bed, and I would not have had the courage to say anything to him, obeying his order.

I did not check what time I placed myself there, but the waiting time seemed much longer than I had anticipated. I knew Watari was busy with a lot of matters, but not to the extent of staying in his office until that late hour. I wondered if he had fallen asleep at his desk, as Rae often did in the library, and I also had the impulse to open the door and see what the situation was, but as soon as my fingertips touched the handle, feeling its coldness, I considered it a horrible idea.

I had never seen the owner get angry, but neither had I seen anyone interrupt him during his working hours; thus, I could not know how he would react, and I wanted to avoid putting him in a bad mood, as this could lead him to deny my request, driven by strong emotions he would not have felt in a calmer context.

As the minutes passed and midnight approached, I began to resign myself to the idea that I would not talk to him that evening, that would soon become the next day's morning, and the feeling of urgency came back stronger than ever. I did not know when I would regain the strength of that day to face him and I felt disappointed in him, even though he had done nothing, and it was, perhaps, that very fact that led me to feel that way.

I thought back to the time I spent alone in his company. He seemed to understand my needs, without me having to express them. All he needed was a simple glance, whereas, at that moment, I was the one who had to jump through hoops to even have a conversation with him. He was no longer the person I had known and the one I thought I had found, who would stay by my side forever.

He was like the rest of the adults.

Roger's bedroom door opened, and he walked out. I didn't have a chance to leave without being heard, and I had to brace myself for his scolding.

"Ethelinda...?" He frowned and an expression between confused and disgusted took control of his face. "Has something happened? Why aren't you in bed?"

"I want to talk to Watari."

I took the chance, because it was definitely easier to make that request than to go to him directly, even if it meant including Roger, which I didn't particularly like, and I got the impression that he wasn't keen on chatting with me either.

"I'll tell him. You go to—"

"Now."

Roger huffed, which went to confirm Lex's statement for the umpteenth time, but it wasn't really surprising in that case, since I had used a hostile tone when I should have been more compliant. After all, as much as I regretted it, he was my guardian and teacher.

"Now, go to sleep." He ordered me.

"No, I have to ta—"

"It's eleven forty." He continued, as if he had not heard me. "Tomorrow, I expect you to be in class, since you haven't shown up for a couple of days now and it doesn't look like the exam went well, or am I wrong?"

The annoyance I felt at speaking to him increased by leaps and bounds.

He was only worried about my school career because he didn't want to have me around anymore, not because he actually cared about my success. He had made Watari accept my exam attempt earlier than expected because he thought I would pass, and he could stop having me in his vicinity every morning for a couple of hours. In fact, it had taken him longer than usual to correct it, because I imagined he hoped to wake up and see that it was perfect in every single comma and full stop, so that he could send us to the next grade. His disappointment that we had got it wrong was definitely visible and, after listing all the errors in the text, he even had the nerve to accuse me of intentionally ruining it, as if I enjoyed being in his company.

"Is that why you don't show up? Do you stay up late and sleep more in the morning?" He asked. "Should I report this to Watari?"

I silently denied.

"Just as I thought. Now, go back to your room."

"But I have to talk to Watari." I insisted, even though my voice had begun to lose confidence.

"Watari is not here." He revealed.

I felt more betrayed than ever, since he hadn't told anyone and seemed to have snuck out, at a time when I needed him most. In addition, Roger had learned of my habit, and I couldn't be sure he treated it as a secret not to be divulged.

The owner had, somehow, sabotaged me with his absence and I was beginning to be unsure again about my decision to talk to him, because I didn't think he would understand me.

"I'll tell him that you want to see him, once he returns... Okay? Go now."

I merely nodded, because he was audibly annoyed and there wasn't much else I could do. Asking to call him, so that I could talk to him on the phone, was out of the question, because I also needed to match the meaning of his words with his movements. I had to see him, while I asked him, because it was the only way to have any sort of certainty that he would do it and was not just one of many promises swept away by the current of air that came in, as soon as he left Wammy's House, as if it completely erased his memory of what had happened previously.

I walked towards the stairs, while Roger stood still, motionless, in front of his room making sure I did as he wished and that I had enough light not to trip on the steps.

"Ethelinda." He called me as I was halfway up the ramp. "Is it urgent?"

I remained silent at that question.

"You can talk to me, if it is."

It was an absurd suggestion, since he was the least comforting person in there, second only to L. I couldn't imagine how a conversation in which I exposed a personal problem of mine and he had to console me and give me advice could actually happen. He was too direct and did not even polish the sharp edges of his words so that they were easier to digest.

I could not remember a single person in there who, on their own initiative, had asked Roger for help. It had happened that someone, like me, had been obliged from an academic point of view, but otherwise, apart from those who tried to annoy him, everyone stayed away from him.

"No, I'm fine." I lied, not because I thought he would insist – and, in fact, he didn't, dismissing me and going to the bathroom –, but because I really wanted to go to bed.

I just wanted to forget about that failed attempt to reach another person in my life, who seemed to be slowly abandoning me.