I forgot to specify one thing: whenever I talk about adults, I never refer to him.

He is not an adult to me, because he is a good person. He always did more than he had to, because he didn't even have to care about me. I was nothing more than the daughter of the man he worked for. I was nobody to him, but he became everything to me.

I wish I could talk about him every day, let everyone know of his existence, but I can't, and it hurts. I can't even write his real name, because I don't know it. He has never told me. And I don't want to use his nickname, because his 'job' doesn't define him at all. I have seen how television paints people like him. I shouldn't have known that, because those films are suitable for children over fifteen, but I saw a few scenes on the sly and they were wrong.

He was not the reason for that problem. He only tried to do good for his family. My father, on the contrary, is the one they should show on TV as the 'bad guy', but they never do, or rather, I have never seen a film that depicts him in such a way.

Sometimes, they make me question whether my judgement of my father is clouded by his attitude towards me and whether, in fact, people like him are... Different, especially seeing the way they portray their behaviour towards their 'family'. Sometimes, I wonder if it's just envy that leads me to hate him, because he never gave me that typical attitude that people like him have on television and that he actually had towards my mother. If he had done that, what he did probably wouldn't have led me to that call, because, to a lesser extent, it was what A – the initial of his nickname – did and I was fine with that.

He did it for his wife and daughter, while my father did it for my mother and money, not for me. Actually, for almost all my time there, I thought he couldn't see me, but then, it became clear that he was simply ignoring me, when he

Never mind. The point is that his disinterest had also been the reason why A had been able to approach me, because he didn't care if he would hurt me.

Honestly, I was so afraid of him the first time I saw him, when I made eye contact with him from above the stairs. Now, when I think back to that moment, I can only feel that feeling, without understanding the reasons for it, since I know him, but every adult who entered that house seemed to me like an ogre that eats children: giant, ugly and bad. Probably, I had seen him in the same way, even though he possessed none of those characteristics and, in fact, he deflated and transformed himself, first, into a human being like me, and then, into a presence that I always feel around me, but which, at the same time, seems so distant.

I always hear his voice when I read. I hear his pronunciation, especially of the more complicated words, as he did when he was teaching me to speak coherently. In my mind, now, he does it just to keep me company, since I finally have a voice of my own. Sometimes, he even sings me lullabies while I hug the Kentrosaurus that Watari gave me last year for Christmas. When I read the bedtime stories to Ayla, he seems to tell them to both of us. Besides hoping that he appears on the doorstep, part of me is under the illusion that every time I lock myself in my room, he will knock on the door, but it never happens.

And it never will, because I don't know his name, nor where he is, I can no longer trust Watari and he hates me, but he has every reason in the world to do so. He has given everything for me – literally – and, surely, he regrets doing so, as I regret allowing the owner to deceive me for two years.

He had the courage to ask me if L is still giving me trouble – when has he ever stopped? – and tell me that his door is always open – when has it ever been? –, without even realising how he was contradicting himself on the spot, since my request to talk to him was not granted, unless that question was because he had heard about my desire and had assumed that I wanted to discuss L, which irritates me more.

The world does not revolve around him, because it would continue its orbit, even if he were dead.

Besides, if L was bothering me so much, I would have dealt with him myself.

I made it clear to the anti-justice what I intended to do if he broke his promises to my friends, but I never said that the same treatment would not be meted out to him for other reasons.

The consequences do not frighten me, especially if it means having even the slightest chance of ending up in the same place as him.

I would not even try to hide it, as I did with the bicycle chain incident. In that case, I only do it because the penalty I would get would be meaningless. I don't deserve any punishment inside Wammy's House because some kids were rude to Ayla. If she can't use the bikes, no one should. I could have settled the matter another way, by mediating between the two parties, and allowed everyone to ride one, but their behaviour towards her explicitly showed me that they did not deserve to enjoy that good, and since Ayla was already without i, I would not have wronged her.

Watari did, of course, put on new chains, although it took a while, since he had demanded that the culprit came forward, otherwise he would have done nothing and disciplined everyone. Since no one took the blame, though, he relented, buying the necessary and giving one week each of cleaning Wammy's House in shifts.

Ayla and I didn't get anything, since we didn't use them. I don't even know how they work. I just noticed that one kid had had his chain off and couldn't pedal anymore and I went for that.

And I still think it was an effective message, because Ayla was able to enjoy a few laps around the courtyard.

Going back to the previous topic, I deserve, instead, to serve some time somewhere else if I do it for my own selfish motivation, even if it also has positive externalities for the community.

That said, apart from that one condition, it is rather unlikely that I would go that far. ̶S̶u̶r̶e̶l̶y̶,̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶s̶t̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶p̶h̶y̶s̶i̶c̶a̶l̶ ̶v̶i̶o̶l̶e̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶l̶a̶s̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶s̶e̶q̶u̶e̶n̶c̶e̶s̶.̶

I finished erasing what I had written and covered my face with my hands.

No matter how hard I tried, I could never stop thinking like my father. I knew I did not have those feelings, but my mind automatically decided to go in that direction. The worst part was that I always realised it later, when I wanted to take back what I had said, thought or written.

The problem was that I had expressed that logic to L, who could have used it against me, to paint me as an evil person, but I wasn't, or at least, I hoped I wasn't.

I didn't want to admit it, because I didn't want my protective feelings towards Rae and Ayla to seem false, but I regretted it. I didn't want to hurt anyone, not even L, no matter how insufferable he was, because I didn't want to follow his path. I wanted to act and behave differently, like Lex did, who, despite everything, had tried to be my friend and didn't seem to resent me or try to hurt me. I wondered how it was even possible and, on the one hand, I thought it inconceivable that he had never once thought of, say, throwing a crutch on my back, at the very least.

I was always ready for it, because I deserved it, but the longer it took, the more anxious I became that it would come. Usually, it was a consequence that appeared within a few hours or a few days, but he wasn't following the pattern I had memorised of my mother, and that made me extremely uncomfortable, which also gave him a double facade that I didn't even know whether to confirm as real, because I didn't want to attribute negative characteristics to him, when what he had shown me was quite the opposite.

I hid Mazzaroth and left the room, so I could distract myself in some other way, because I would rather be annoyed at the sight of Ayla and L together than sad in my room.

"Oh, hi, Ethe!" I was greeted enthusiastically by Lex, who was closing the door to his room, which was strange to me, since I had heard it open at least half an hour – if not more – before.

I hypothesised that perhaps it was one of his roommates who had left the room earlier and had not closed it.

I showed him that I had noticed him with a nod and headed for the stairs.

"Wait, I need some help going down!" He said and I stopped abruptly.

As much as I was not supposed to interact with him, I could not leave him. I took a deep breath and turned towards him, who was advancing in my direction. I was going to try to limit the verbal interaction to the minimum necessary to give him tips and to move away from him as soon as I reached the ground floor, so that he would have no way of forcing me to stay and ask for an answer. Due to his situation, he would surely struggle to reach me, and even if he did, I could run away.

"Faust is the one who, usually, helps me, but he did not return after accompanying me up after lunch... That traitor." He began to explain. "I couldn't have stood here shouting his name and disturbing those resting... Well, actually, I should have! I should have whined like a baby until he decided to give me a hand. I'll do that next time..."

"You were, then, standing in front of your door waiting for someone to come out of their room?" I asked, before I remembered my intention.

"Not someone, a random person..." He stopped in front of me. "I was waiting for my dear assistant."

'Dear'? Did he already see me as a friend or was that just a figure of speech? It didn't sound derisive, malevolent or ironic and had caused a strange feeling in the centre of my chest, which was quite pleasant.

It was only at that moment that I realised the large and hideous 'L', written in indelible black felt-tip pen, on his cast, which also covered other names that had been written before, among which I could recognise Rae's, pink in colour and with a little flower at the end of the tail of the 'e', and Ayla's, orange and with her characteristic star-shaped 'A', which had repeatedly led the teachers to ask her to stop writing it even for words beginning with a lower-case 'a'.

I clenched my hands into fists.

I had no intention of abandoning my stance and engaging in acts that could pass for friendly, because, in the long run, I knew it would turn out to be the best choice. I was sure of it, although, honestly, I found it hard to deny that it hurt to be centimetres away from something I had wanted for a long time but had to reject at all costs.

"I still have some sna—"

"Shall we go down?" I asked him, as he didn't seem willing to stop talking.

I knew I looked impatient with him, and his confused, hangdog expression confirmed it, but the longer I was alone in his presence, the harder it was for me to stick to my plan.

"Oh, yes, of course." He said and, for the umpteenth time in my presence, his typical lively tone faded.

He handed me the crutches and I carried them downstairs, as he instructed, while he remained clinging to the railing on the first floor. I went back up and he put his arm around my neck, being careful not to lean too much on my left shoulder.

"This will take a while." He chuckled, though it didn't mask the nervousness he felt, which I didn't know whether to attribute to the time it would take or the fact that he didn't fully trust me.

I hesitated before grabbing his hand, but since I had to somehow make sure he didn't lose my support, I took it as implicit. I just hoped Ayla wouldn't see me.

"You're ice cold." He stated, following that assertion by an onomatopoeia to indicate the coldness he felt.

"Shall I let go of your hand?"

"Only if you want me to fall down the stairs. Your choice."

I nodded and we began the slow descent, in which, first, I went down a step and then, waited for Lex to make his little jump. I could sense that he was not balancing his weight on me and on the railing, preferring the latter, but it was understandable, since, although I had managed to achieve a sustainable weight, even if not the desired one, there was still a difference between us, to which was added that of height.

However, a small part of me found myself hurt by that reduced faith in me. I realised, though, that it was irrational and that if he leaned heavily on me, I would not be able to move.

"Ethe!" Ayla called me, when we were two steps from the end of the staircase.

On instinct, I moved physically away from Lex, taking a step to the left at the exact moment the boy had to descend. He lost his balance and placed his injured foot forcefully on the wooden plank, which evidently hurt, as he groaned in pain and immediately pulled it up, while his other leg had not yet found solid support on the stair. He fell forward and I tried to stop him, but he ended up dragging me down as well. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the impact.

"Ethe!" This time Ayla's scream was one of near terror.

Lex hit the floor on his back, as my attempt to help him had only spun him around, and I tumbled onto his stomach. He let out another groan and I immediately pulled myself aside, sitting down beside him so as not to cause him further pain.

"Are you—" We both started to ask the other, but Ayla overpowered our voices.

"Ethe, are you alright?!" She squatted down in front of me and put a hand on my shoulder. "Did you hurt yourself anywhere? Did you break something? Do you need ice?! I'll take you to the infirmary!"

She made to turn her back to me and let me hop on, but I stopped her, grabbing her hand.

"I'm not hurt." I answered her, and it was true, since Lex had cushioned the fall, but Ayla wasn't totally convinced.

"Let's go to the infirmary anyway. Just in case." She pulled me up and I decided to go along with her.

I knew I had no other way to convince her that I was fine. Plus, it wasn't far from there and it would be a few seconds before the nurse would tell me I was in perfect condition. Besides, I felt a certain serenity in that room, because it made me feel protected from anything.

If I could have taken refuge there whenever I felt unwell, I would have, but I would have also found myself answering an interrogation, and that certainly didn't make me feel safe or comfortable.

"Lex—" I tried to say, but she yanked me in that direction.

"Aren't you going to help me?" Lex asked, propping himself up on his elbows, which, though not so surprising to me knowing her, stopped Ayla.

"You have another leg and two hands, so no." Ayla coldly replied to him. "Get up yourself."

I hoped that interaction would end as quickly as possible, because Lex was already in a physically disadvantageous situation, and as much as Ayla hadn't attacked anyone, he might as well have been the first, considering the immense unjustified hatred she felt.

"But—"

"But, but, but! That's not my problem." She interrupted him.

They looked at each other in silence for a second. I seemed to be watching again the two cats we had spotted a couple of months earlier outside the courtyard, who had started fighting, attracting everyone's attention, because of how loud they were being. Roger had had to intervene to separate them, allowing the one in trouble to escape.

"You're right." Lex nodded. "It was Ethe—"

"No!" Ayla interposed herself between us, continuing to hold my hand. "It's that you suck at football."

"It's not—" I tried to insert myself into the conversation, in Lex's defence, but there seemed to be no room for me as the boy spoke over me.

"You're a little late. I would have appreciated this reading earlier, so I could improve my skills and not end up in this situation." He pointed to his leg.

I didn't agree with him blaming himself, but I had abandoned my intention to mediate the discussion, because Ayla wouldn't let me and I believed it would worsen Lex's position, as she wouldn't spare him.

I told myself that I would later clarify with Lex the fact that I did not share that thought, but I realised that it was exactly what I needed in order to distance myself from him for good. However, I did not feel in the mood to vocally agree with Ayla; therefore, I merely let my silence be taken as assent.

"You're the one who never asked my opinion."

"I will remember to appeal to your divine knowledge next time." Lex retorted.

"I will lie to your face so that you fail."

"Then, I'll do the opposite of what you say."

"Who says I'm not lying—"

"Did you fall?" We heard Faust's amused voice asking from the threshold of the cafeteria.

Ayla and I turned in his direction, while Lex couldn't do much and remained still in the position he had held all that time.

"What do you deduce that from?"

He put a strange emphasis on the verb, and I wanted to ask him why, but, on the one hand, I didn't have to interact with him and, on the other, I already thought I knew the answer, even though it didn't completely explain the reason for doing so.

He wasn't interested in such prestige; he didn't seem to be someone who felt envious and had said that L was pleasant to be around.

Faust approached the scene, with an incomprehensible slowness for someone who had just learned that his friend had been hurt.

"Look, I'm not even sure." He replied, once beside us, handing me his book, which was the one from last time.

Had he still not finished it? Or was it the tenth reading he was devoting himself to?

"Maybe you were admiring the stairs." He added in a weird accent that made 'stairs' sound like 'stars', positioning himself, legs apart, on top of him, feet close to his knees.

"Just help me." Lex extended his right hand towards him, and Faust gave him a high five.

"The little magic word?"

"Are you serious? Your entire plant collection is in our room, Doctor."

"And you think you can get there fir… Just get there without my help?" He chuckled, though Lex didn't seem as amused.

It was understandable, after all. He had found himself falling down the stairs because of me, being insulted by Ayla, getting no help from me, and being laughed at by his best friend.

Best friend in quotes, because the way they behaved towards each other was not actually friendly. Maybe it was just a mutual forbearance they had decided to call it that way, so that it would be less frustrating.

Honestly, I didn't like Faust's attitude towards him very much and I would have liked to reprimand him, but I remained silent, half-hidden by Ayla, who, although she didn't find Lex sympathetic and had made it clear that we needed to get away from him, stood by and watched the situation evolve without even blinking.

"Come on, give me that..." This time, Faust was actually helpful and grabbed his hand, helping him first to sit up and then, backing away slightly and taking his other hand, to pull him up. "Can you imagine? Me, who's going to be the best detective in the world, nannying you?"

"You are so big-headed!" Ayla exclaimed suddenly, tightening her grip on my hand.

"Says she whose letter does not indicate her prowess, but thinks she is better than anyone else." He reached for Lex's crutches, while the latter held on to the railing.

"There's Elioenai, Natal and Daralis before you. How many times do I have to say it?!"

"Shh." The boy signalled her to shut her mouth with his right hand.

"It's just a tempor—"

"You're wasting your breath."

"It's just a temporary placement, anyway." Ayla stressed each word. "I'll send you to the bottom of the alphabet, just know it!"

"So pathetically cute." Faust smiled, signalling me to give him the book and I obeyed.

Ayla tried to hit it so that it would fall to the ground, but he managed to move it in time. Chuckling, he walked away, followed by Lex, who tried to greet me, but stopped when he saw that I turned away with my head.

"Next time I'll throw it at your big head!" Ayla shouted, before the two of them entered the cafeteria. "So annoying… You should've given it me."

"I didn't know Faust was like that."

I had always had the impression that he was a fairly introverted person and on his own, who kept, nevertheless, a fairly considerate behaviour towards others, respectful of their space, but, at that point, it was clear that I had to re-evaluate that picture I had drawn and I immediately began to speculate that, in reality, he was unbearable and that it was the others who did not want him around. He continued to have a certain 'popularity' as he was relatively close to Lex, but people's opinion of him was not being passed on to him, rightly so.

Why was Lex his friend?

"You have no idea… He is the worst, that four-eyed bookworm." Ayla huffed. "Let's go."

I looked back at the cafeteria, as she dragged me to the infirmary.

More than anything, I didn't understand why he hadn't asked me to sign his cast as well.