Author's notes:

15/02/2024 - changes i've made:

Ayla:

- no longer interested in physics, but chemistry, given her future role for L and because it fits much better with her personality.

- i gave her a more distinctive speech pattern.

Rae - gave her some of Ayla's line about being nice to L, because i wanted to put this burden on her, given that she is actually the voice of reason most of the times.

Ethe - in chapter 7th sept, i made it more explicit that she had to see someone after she did something bad in her first weeks at the Wammy's, by Roger's request to Watari, and it's implied is a child psychologist, and she hated to talk to him. it will come up later.

Writing/Plot:

- I changed the names of some authors with fictitious ones and made it more clear that Ethe is sometimes quoting some books (since it is part of her personality regurgitating things she read and i didn't think that was noticeable).

- however, i kept Sherlock and Conan Doyle, cuz it's fun and on point, i think.

- polished the writing (obv, removed 5k words lol).

- In the first chapters, i mentioned an OC called Anuj that was supposed to be in Lex's room - he's not there anymore. i completely forgot about him, when i decided to focus a bit on Lex's friends (other than Faust - Chip and Jet), so that Anuj is now Jet and Anuj is a kid in Jet's grade (2nd grade).

- changed 'Robotic' to 'Mechanical' because i wrote the chapter where that is brought up again and Lex says '[redacted] machine' so yeah.

- changed 5th sept to 6th sept (to give more time to L to do his things) and 26th sept to 27th sept.

- the first entry will always be awkward compared to the others. i can't fix it lmfao.

If i remember anything else, I'll let you know.

Also, you can find me on tumblr, nateriverswife.

Anyway, thanks for reading and take care!

I think I've identified the person Lex publicly resents: Faust.

I haven't told you much about him, because I've never considered him of great importance, but now, he has become so, because he allows me to understand how Lex behaves when he can't stand someone.

Faust is part of L's project, and he was given a letter before T, which I couldn't pinpoint, because I'm avoiding Lex and I'm not particularly close to the boy. He is a year older than Lex and is in grade six, which leads me to wonder why Rae doesn't have a letter 'indicating her prowess'.

These were the exact words Faust reserved for Ayla as they were bickering.

It means that, within the group, they were divided and classified further according to that criterion, which, like anything L has done since he has been here, is wrong in its application. Rae is definitely better than Faust in most, if not all, aspects; therefore, L's inability to judge is obvious and should be for my two best friends as well, but they continue to do as he pleases, for some reason unknown to me.

I am not going to stand idly by in the face of this blatant injustice. I have not had a chance to talk to L, because the more time passes, the less he leaves his room. I have to speculate that he's devoting himself to something that steals a lot of his attention, but I don't want to think about it, because that makes me want to ruin it, and without information on that, it could impact Rae and Ayla too.

I could inform myself, but, if he doesn't come out, it's difficult and I can't ask them, because, to be honest, I'm still avoiding them, limiting my interactions with them to lunch, eventually dinner and before bedtime.

I told them that Roger gave me a particular task to make up for the failure of the passing exam. They asked me for details, but I denied that I could give them, because it is a special treatment given to me, as the situation in June was ambiguous. In short, I lied that I did not want others – of any grade – to feel disadvantaged because of that. They believed me, even though I have no tangible evidence to prove it and without my behaviour proving the existence of this work, which made me feel guilty because they seem to trust me blindly.

Rae even asked me if I needed help and I refused, saying it wasn't as difficult as I spoke about it and that I would be fine.

They said nothing.

However, yesterday, I thought I heard them confabulating something behind my back – actually, in our room, while I was outside after returning from the bathroom. I heard my alias being pronounced and, after a few minutes, not being able to hear much else, I went in, at which point they stopped talking about it and started discussing a new movie Watari bought, which is about to be screened in less than ten minutes.

I'm not going to show up at that typical leisure meeting, because it's the only time I can have the whole upper floor to myself. Everyone attends, even those who are older, even though it may be an immature film in their eyes, because popcorn is being distributed.

Theoretically, I could eat it, but the idea that this could backfire on me in the future stops me. Nowadays, I don't often have bad episodes, but the memory is enough to keep me away from any food that isn't typical for a meal, that I don't need to ingest or that Ayla doesn't want to enjoy with me.

Although I want to spend a lot of time in the infirmary, I don't feel that the most appropriate way to do this is to give myself that kind of physical discomfort, which makes me feel as if I am on the verge of completely emptying the inside of my body.

On the 2nd of October, I happened to be there, because Ayla, even though I kept telling her that I hadn't hurt myself, wanted to check that nothing was broken. We didn't spend much time inside and I felt a bit sad about it, but I didn't want to worry Ayla unnecessarily by making up a few more excuses to get more checks.

Fortunately, the bruises on my right thigh were already fading; therefore, I didn't have to pretend it didn't hurt when Ayla decided to put her hand on it while I was sitting on the examination table. I did, though, feel something, but it was bearable and the fall I and Lex had together did not cause me anything.

I wonder if Lex has a few extra bruises, since I landed hard on his stomach, or if it affected his foot. He doesn't seem to have gone for a check-up – neither here nor at the doctor's – and I see he's behaving as usual; so, I'm thinking he's fine, but he could be faking it.

Honestly, I don't think I'm as capable as I thought to read him. I always thought it was impossible for him to think someone else is annoying, but he has shown me otherwise, which does not, of course, eliminate the possibility that he can hide this feeling towards someone else, rather it makes him skilled at it. He can have bad opinions about others in secret, in a nutshell, which should be taken for granted, but my mind does not want to associate any of this with his character, because it seems to sully it.

I have to reassess my consideration, which will not be changed in a radically negative way but will make me more sensitive to everything he says.

By the way, I found out that he doesn't like L's project.

He did not say so explicitly, and I am inferring this from the pronunciation of a word. It all stems from the emphasis placed on the word 'deduce' – linked to the investigative sphere –, to which I could add the nickname given to Faust, but I won't, because I think it's not recent and is related more to a medieval legend than to what's going on here, although, honestly, the comparison would be fitting. I will not dwell too much on the latter.

His tone of voice was derisive, as if believing that such activity is pathetic, and since Faust is a member, clearly the reference was to the project. However, the situation gets tricky: did he do it out of jealousy, hatred of L, or simply a negative opinion of the matter? The latter is more likely, given his disinterest in intellectual prestige and his – falsely – positive words about L.

Does he think it is unlikely that the project will succeed, or does it all seem a bit fishy to him, not even knowing what L has shown them to gain their trust? The answer does not matter, in this case, because both lead to a general revulsion, which was shown in that way. Probably, he realises the danger L is putting them in and cannot pretend nothing is wrong, but, at the same time, neither can he openly disapprove of it; so, he limits himself to that delicate demonstration of disagreement, as opposed to mine which was open and public right from the start.

We are similar in the way we think, but not in the way we act, and it is sad that we cannot engage in a friendship, when we know it could work, if one of the people involved were different.

I could have even used his reputation to isolate

The door to L's room opened forcefully.

"Your judgement is flawed." I told him, before he could even get out entirely, not even turning to look at him, so as to signal my obvious disgust.

I continued to stare at Mazzaroth, though the urge to lay eyes on him was strong, as my peripheral vision did not reach that far.

"Good evening to you too, Ethelinda."

Not interacting with him for days had made me forget how annoying his voice was.

"I'm not going down to see the movie." He let me know, even though I didn't need to, because I had no intention of going into his room that night.

There would surely have been better times, that wouldn't have pointed every possible finger in my direction, in case it became known. With the fact that even Lex, who didn't show it openly, could feel annoyance towards L, I had a better chance of placing the blame on others, without being able to be easily contradicted, as there would be no valid evidence against me. The hatred I felt was enough to make me a possible suspect, as was the fact that I had already done it, but not enough to declare me openly guilty. It would have been unfair, and I could have used that circumstance to show everyone his true nature.

"Why is Rae at the bottom?"

I focused only on her, because mentioning Ayla would have given L a way out of that conversation, which, in reality, was again another accusation of inability. In any case, he would have focused attention on her and found it easy to retort that Ayla wasn't even in the last grade, so clearly, she couldn't be put on the same level as the others, according to Wammy's House criteria, since she was better than many who 'outranked' her in my opinion.

"Why should I tell you?"

I felt a little strange having to keep my gaze fixed on that diary, because I needed to observe my interlocutor, but I wanted the non-implementation of that habit of mine to be interpreted in a certain way by L, who I imagined had noticed it and attributed a rather important meaning to it.

"Faust said it's because she's not good enough, which is ridiculous, because we both know she's objectively one of the best."

"Not exactly." He retorted and I turned to look at him, incredulous of his words.

He was crouched on the floor, his back leaning against the door of his room. He was biting the nail of his right index finger, and his eyes were on me.

I had the feeling that he was trying to read what I had written, even though standing would have made it easier for him, so I closed Mazzaroth with a snap.

"I just made myself comfortable." He explained and I rolled my eyes.

"That's not comfortable."

"Oh." A smirk appeared on his lips, and I regretted taking his bait. "Interesting..."

"It's not."

"Have you tried it?"

"No." I lied.

I had had the unfortunate desire to see what it actually did and had even found it difficult to remain in that position for more than two minutes, especially when I had no solid support against my back to balance my weight as I kept falling backwards. I had, then, found the appropriate distance between my feet to remain stable, but my legs were falling asleep and, therefore, it was particularly unpleasant.

"How can you say it's uncomfortable, then?"

"I can see that."

"It's not valid." He shook his head. "Try it."

"I won't."

"Do you accept that you are in the wrong, then?" He asked. "That's not like you."

I remained silent, looking at him. Obviously, I wasn't going to lose that fight, but I didn't want to follow his orders and prove to him that I had practiced. He was going to start to get even more cocky.

"Rae doesn't deserve to be at the end of the alphabet." I reverted to my initial argument.

"She's not at the end of the list. She's not the letter Z." He pointed out unnecessarily. "To answer your question, though... At the top, the most suitable."

"Rae is suitable."

"According to you." He stopped biting his fingernail and rested both arms on his knees, creating a bridge between the two and placing his chin on it. "I have other criteria and being your friend isn't one of them."

"It should start being, though." I threatened him and he merely smiled.

I knew it was objectively wrong to demand that he downgraded people like Elioenai and Natal, but it was only fair that I demanded that my friends were treated better. As much as I expected them to be the letter A and B, objectively speaking, this was not possible and it was better to go for something achievable and not to hurt the ego of others, so that my two best friends could enjoy an achievement without being needlessly disturbed by people who could not accept the facts.

"One question—"

"No."

"How's the homework Roger gave you going?" He continued, despite my denial. "Ayla mentioned it, because, apparently, you want to retake the exam."

I didn't like the direction that conversation was going in and, perhaps, it was time for me to leave, but physically I was glued to the ground. I wanted to know more of his thoughts on the matter. More than anything else, I wanted my intentions to be clear, in case he had instilled absurd ideas in them that turned them against me and risked revealing the truth.

"Are you afraid I'll surpass you?"

He shifted his gaze my way, without a word, but his slightly amused expression communicated everything I needed to know, and with every second of silence that passed, I wanted him to say something, yet, at the same time, I fervently wished he wouldn't utter a word for the rest of his life.

"You won't tell them." I whispered, because, clearly, he was waiting for me to defend myself or something, but, with him, it was better to get straight to the point.

L shrugged. "It doesn't help me find out your true identity and the reason why you hate me, in fact it would give you one more, so no."

"Mine was not a statement that leaves room for alternatives."

"I can forget I know, if you bring me the container that is in the second cabinet on the left in the kitchen." He proposed.

Why did he think he could do that kind of negotiation? Wasn't he supposed to handle 'justice' and stop treating me that way?

"I'll be damned if." I answered him.

I was already at a disadvantage since I had agreed to step aside and allow him to work on the project so as not to harm Rae and Ayla, since I had not included a clause preventing him from treating me as a threat.

It wasn't fair for him to put me in such an awkward situation, because he was aware of a fact that would never have come to light if he hadn't been here and was obsessed with the idea that his project was destined to become something important, which had to justify his protective behaviour.

I stood up and, gathering all my strength, walked with heavy steps towards the stairs.

I could feel his disgusting gaze on me, following my every move, and I contemplated for a few seconds what was going to happen if I didn't comply: surely, he was going to let it slip out during one conversation with Ayla and that would lead to more questions about what else I had lied about or whether it was an actual habit of mine.

A part of me stubbornly maintained the idea that it wasn't the worst of scenarios. In the end, they deserved – both Rae and her – to know the truth, once and for all, but I couldn't lose them, especially if L was the cause of that break-up, because it would be a victory in his favour.

I mentally told myself that it would be the last time L would be able to get information about me from a third party. I would have asked Ayla to avoid any mention of me and I would have been able to anticipate any move on his part. I had avoided putting effort into it until then, reserving our rivalry for impulses derived from hostile feelings, but since he had started on his own initiative to try to sabotage me, without me making the first move, I could no longer back out.

I stopped after going down two steps and turned towards him.

As anticipated, he was looking at me.

He hadn't told me what colour the container was nor the content, so I could check that way to see if I was getting the right one. However, it would have been much easier to develop the ability to read his mind than to be able to open my mouth and ask him. And I was not a person who believed in the existence of such superpowers.

"I won't go into your room."

He would definitely have done it as soon as I went down, but I didn't have anything interesting to hide that could have shown him the way.

"I'm waiting for Watari. I spoke to him through the walkie-talkie, and he said he would be here in a few minutes, but..." He continued, starting to pinch his lower lip. "Maybe, the movie is really good and we're both missing it... I'll ask him to play it again next time."

"So, you won't share popcorn with many?"

"Oh… You read my mind. Interesting."

Ayla had also suggested it several times to put on the same film, so less people would be watching, but I avoided saying it.

I couldn't believe I was having a conversation with him of that length, just because I couldn't ask him about the contents or the colour of the object. It would have been embarrassing, yes, but far less painful than the torture that was being in his presence.

I looked across the corridor and began to speculate what L might need at that moment and whether he had told Watari. For the latter, the answer was, for sure, negative, as he would not have made such a request to me otherwise. But why, in addition to wanting to give me orders, wouldn't he ask the owner to get it, before going upstairs? He had the walkie-talkie in his room... From which he had come out without having a destination, since he had put himself on the floor, and he had not done so because he expected to find me there.

That left two alternatives: either he was lying and wanted to rummage through my things or someone else's, or he wasn't lying and, in fact, couldn't get back in for some reason.

"Just ask me, Ethelinda." He said suddenly, and I moved my gaze onto him.

Before he turned his head towards me – since, apparently, he too had been observing the same spot – I noticed something white and, at least to the eye, fluffy in his thick hair.

"I did it on purpose, but you are really stubborn." He added and I merely nodded, which caught him off guard.

Without adding anything else and allowing him room for inquisitive questions, I went downstairs. The main hall was completely desolate, and the only perceptible noise was the conversations of the characters coming from the canteen, along with a few comments from the guys. As I glanced in, without being noticed, I saw that Watari was standing next to them, with his back to me, and, as L had imagined, he seemed completely absorbed by the film, which I couldn't see, because he was in the way and covering the television.

I looked at the door to his office, completely unobstructed. I took a deep breath and tried to convince myself that it was not worth it.