Mazzaroth, I made a mistake. Not because he is the passive subject, but because it goes against my morals, against what I always told myself I would never do. And now, I have to be doubly cautious because, if he finds out, he might do the same thing and that would literally be the end of me.
I could lie and make up some path I followed to get this in front of my eyes, but I have nothing to start from and he would notice, so I'd just have to prevent it from slipping out.
I don't think he noticed, although I must admit that I behaved strangely when I went back to him. I didn't say anything, not even in the face of his provocations, because I was afraid that it would come out unintentionally, like a fly finally finding its way out.
He was the one who created the right circumstances, and I couldn't fully convince myself that I shouldn't take the bait. Before I could ponder my choice enough, I was already in its possession and there was no way I could get it out of my head. I didn't go any further, even though I could have. I closed everything and left, managing not to be noticed by anyone in the canteen.
I then went to the kitchen to get what he had asked for – not because I had gone mad and was now also under his control, but it was in exchange for his silence about one of my lies.
He tried to show himself superior to me by not giving me precise directions, so that I could beg him to enlighten me with his knowledge, that is, to ask him for additional information, which could inflate his ego and make him believe that he was even useful to me or, in short, to allow me to understand what the plastic box contained or its colour.
However, Ayla had mentioned that they had 'rescued' a pigeon.
A couple of nights ago, she hit the footboard slat with her knees as she let herself fall on the bed, as she was exhausted, and cursed 'Two Tones'. Rae asked her what she was talking about, and Ayla explained that it was the name of the pigeon they were looking after. They called her that because she has two tones when she coos, and one seems to be addressed to her and the other to him.
For the moment – which I hope will last an eternity –, she is staying in his room because he has more space.
I thought she was joking, and it was a make-believe game she and the anti-justice made up to pass the time. Apparently, it's reality.
He has a pigeon in his room.
It is absurd, but it is the truth, which I should have predicted since I saw him in the biology section on the second day. However, it does not seem to be for domestic reasons. He doesn't seem the type to me, but I think it is relatively easy to find out, in terms of the information I can get, because, in terms of time, it gets complicated. I will explain more later. I want to finish the talk about the pigeon, because here comes the best part.
The pigeon either used his head as a nest or attacked him. One of the two, but yesterday, I had the impression that he was behaving strangely. In fact, he was so frightened that he had to ask Watari to intervene, who didn't get the message, as he was watching the movie with the others, and I was the one who alerted him of the situation. It happened because, although I entered through the kitchen door rather than the main dining room, the double-door entrance of the cafeteria was open, and he heard and saw me rummaging through the shelves.
He walked up to me, closing both doors behind him, and asked me if I was hungry, so that, even if it was not mealtime, he would prepare something healthier for me than possible 'junk food' I would find. He reiterated that 'I am doing very well' and that, whenever I felt even a little hungry, to ask the cooks, if they are around, or him, if he is nearby, but this is not very important, because I immediately told him it was for 'him'.
Watari realised what it could be about, without any further information, and he did everything on his own: he took the box and headed upstairs. I followed him at a distance, but I got past the anti-justice, not making a sound or paying too much attention to what the owner was about to do.
The anti-justice stopped me and said I was supposed to do it and not Watari, so our deal was off.
I should have known. It's him we're talking about, after all.
Since I didn't have the strength to speak and had other impulses that were better not to act on, I headed to my room. I closed the door and started banging my head lightly against it, cursing myself and wondering why I had done it.
It is his fault that he pushed me to that. It's not something I would have ever done on my own initiative. It's not fair that I should feel responsible and that this could backfire on me.
Not to mention that now I even have to keep an eye on him, stay at a close distance, so I can hear what he says to Ayla and be prepared in case he decides to be a brat.
"I told you no!" Grumbled Ayla for the umpteenth time, wiping away with one hand what L, squatting down, was tracing with chalk on the main driveway. "I want the race at the end and there's no point if you make it short."
"You're not competing, so it's more of a sprint." He redrew on the part she had just eliminated. "Frog jumps are more fun, anyway."
"You're wrong."
"Ayla." L grabbed her left wrist before she could attempt to erase his work again. "At this rate we won't even be able to try it and it'll rain. Let's do as I say."
Ayla protested again, explaining the reasons why her option was better.
They had been arguing about the final part of the track for more than fifteen minutes, without being able to find a suitable solution, even though, theoretically, they could divide the pavement into two alternatives, since it was wide enough, but I wasn't there to help them, just to watch.
I was glad to see that Ayla wasn't letting L step on her toes, even though I didn't like seeing them interact. At least, it meant that he didn't have supreme control over that relationship and Ayla might have gotten so angry with him that she abandoned the project of her own accord. All that was needed was to find the right motivation and I was sure I could do it.
There was something else that made me uncomfortable – and it was something I did not want to acknowledge fully, even internally, so much so that whenever that thought appeared, I would shake my head and pay attention with only my ears to the guys' football game.
Sometimes, as I observed them, that L, whom I knew and despised so much, would cease to exist for a while. He seemed... Harmless. One of the many kids arriving at Wammy's House, with no ulterior motive, no agenda, no self-proclaimed justice, none of the things that characterised him most.
His still a bit scruffy appearance gave me the impression that... He was like me, that he had been through what I had suffered, that he could, therefore, understand me better than anyone else.
And that was dangerous, because if that was the effect he had on me for a few seconds, it meant that he had used that way of posing to beguile and keep Rae, Ayla and everyone else close.
In their case, it had certainly been easier, since they had never considered him a threat, whereas, with me, it was difficult to penetrate the wall of ice I had created and I would not have allowed him to do so. I wouldn't have let him manipulate me like that because if I had not been there to monitor what he was doing and stop him before he could ruin the lives of innocent people, there would have been no one else and he could have worked undisturbed, to the detriment of others.
I could not allow that.
"That's enough now." L stole her chalk and threw it away from her, in my direction.
Ayla was not long in responding and tried to grab L's from his hand, but, perhaps imagining that she would do so, the anti-justice managed to get it away from her in time; that, though, did not calm my best friend's spirits, and she pushed him backwards.
L lifted a leg, so as to block Ayla from advancing, but she stood up and, with a blow, moved it to the side.
"Let's find a middle ground?" L dared to ask, starting to back up with his elbows as she advanced.
It was clear that she was trying more to scare him in order to make him stop trying to disagree with her on important matters, such as running, otherwise she would have already taken his chalk with all the strength she had in her body.
I spotted Ayla's in the grass and got up to pick it up, making as little noise as possible so as not to attract the attention of the two of them. I put it in my pocket and returned to my spot.
Having two chalks would have solved the matter too quickly and I wanted to enjoy the scene of Ayla tormenting L for a while, since no matter how hard I tried to make myself intimidating, the anti-justice found our situation a mere hilarious rivalry. He didn't know what I was capable of, and I didn't even want to show it openly, because that wasn't the image I wanted to give of myself; much less, being pushed to the limit, just to prove that I was better than him in every way.
"Ethelinda, bring me the chalk." L said suddenly, shifting his gaze to me, and Ayla turned as well.
I took a plastic-coated paper card I had inserted between the pages of Mazzaroth. I showed him the front, even though I was convinced he didn't have good enough eyesight to see the writing. It was enough for him to realise what I wanted to communicate. Immediately afterwards, I turned the card over, showing him the back.
L tried to say something, but, at the same moment, Ayla decided to lunge towards his hand and he, in order to dodge it, decided to roll in the opposite direction, towards his right, wiping out a portion of the track with his sweater.
I couldn't lie and say that I wouldn't have preferred to hear what he had to say, but it didn't matter. It was the best time for Ayla to attack, so I couldn't blame her.
I put the card in its place and looked at the 'E' again.
It had been difficult for me to find the typeface, because there were not many typography books. I had only managed to find one book in German that had a list with a couple of typesets. I had considered studying that language so that I could read the manual from the first to the last page, but, unfortunately, I did not know how much time I would have, and I wanted to make the paper card usable as soon as possible.
I quickly flipped through the pages until the Cloister Black, credited to Morris Fuller Benton and Joseph W. Phinney, had appeared before my eyes.
L had certainly used some more advanced means to get his L, while I would have had to rely on my drawing skills, but, as they were poor, I had asked Rae for help with defining proportions and drawing lines. She asked me why, and I had explained to her that I was taking an interest in that area, which, apart from being a lie, had also been a stupid move on my part, because if she had asked me any further questions, I would have found myself unable to answer even about the basics.
In any case, she had pretty much done most of the work I needed to do, since, in the end, I had just been colouring inside the edges.
I had to admit that I liked it.
When I looked up again at Ayla and L, the situation had reversed slightly: Ayla had apparently fallen and L was looking for the chalk, although he had stopped much before where he had thrown it.
His attempt to find it was futile and Ayla was already running towards him. L decided to dart in front of me and, by putting his hand on the trunk above my head, he managed to avoid ending up against the concrete of the fence.
Ayla stood on the opposite side, ready to catch him whichever way he decided to go. Unlike L, harried, she showed no sign of fatigue.
"Quick! Give me the chalk." L ordered me.
I showed him the card again and, in less than a second, he snatched it from my hands. I didn't even have time to retort because, by pretending to make a sharp jerk to his right, he managed to fool Ayla, who jumped in that direction, while he ran the other way.
"I'm on it!" Announced Ayla, chasing after him.
"Ayla, c'mon, fuck!" I heard Set shout, before the ball kicked hard into the low gravel board next to me and bounced against the tree trunk.
I turned to my right to see where it had gone and met the gaze of Elioenai, on the other side of the garden. He wasn't happy or neutral to see me, but seemed more like he was analysing me, his eyes slightly half-closed and his brow furrowed, and the first question that came to me was whether he knew.
"Now, who is going to get it?" Rell asked.
"You, loser. What sort of fucking questions do you ask?" Set replied, annoyed.
Elioenai shifted, then, his eyes downwards, and since I imagined he could at least catch a glimpse of part of Mazzaroth's cover, which was on my thighs, I decided to close it with my left hand and hide it better.
"It's not like I threw it out." Rell retorted.
"It's not my fault if that one always gets in the way. I could have scored!"
"In which of your dreams?" Chelsea said.
Elioenai went back to hiding behind the tree trunk and I felt that my action had done more damage than anything else, because I had just proved that I had a protective feeling towards the diary and that, therefore, it could not contain only superficial or theoretical information.
"Go get the ball, Set." Zhee intervened.
His authoritative tone, which I didn't know whether to attribute to his Eastern European accent or not, convinced me to get up and carry out that order. When I turned towards the football pitch, holding it in my hands, Set stopped his jog abruptly.
"From bad to worse!" He blurted out, turning towards his teammates and opponents, his hands raised in the air.
Was I not supposed to do that? Did I have to put it back on the ground?
"I'm not taking it!" He continued. "The last thing I want is to have anything to do with her."
"Set." Zhee pronounced.
"I mean it! Did you see what happened to Lex?" Set pointed in his direction, and it was at that moment that I noticed the boy sitting on one of the wooden benches, next to Rae.
There was space between them, but it didn't mean they couldn't talk and that was something I couldn't afford, because if they became friends, it meant I would be in his presence more.
"It's not her fault." Lex responded and his words sounded rather sincere, but we both knew what truth he was trying to hide from me.
"Why the fuck are you defending her?!" He barked at him.
"Because it was an accident."
"Accident? What are you talking about? She wasn't even aiming at the fucking ball!"
Set's exasperation didn't bode well, and since interfering would have made his mood worse, because I figured hearing my voice would further annoy him, especially if I used it to contradict him, I decided to do the only thing that would calm things down.
As Set continued to expound on his theory that I had done it on purpose, since, in his eyes, I was a horrible person, proven by past actions against him, I put the ball back in the same spot I had taken it from, grabbed Mazzaroth and walked towards the entrance, without uttering a single word.
"Ethe, wait!" I heard Lex call to me, as I quickly climbed the stairs and entered the cafeteria.
I could have sworn I heard a clanking noise attributable to his crutches, as if he was reaching for them, but I didn't turn to look at him and he didn't reach me that afternoon or that evening or the next day.
I imagined, therefore, that it was just a bad trick of my mind to make me believe that there was still a chance for me to be friends with him, without ruining anything – like, in that case, the friendship he had with Set –, which clashed with the harsh reality that he had decided to stop trying.