Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

Okay. I know I've been really forgetful and haven't written in here again since that first entry. But hey, I have an excuse. I can't remember anything. (Just a little amnesiac humor). Doctor Hopper scolded me today for going months without writing in here, so here I am, writing in these pages again. I'm not even sure what to say anymore. I'm not sure what to say that I haven't already said to Doctor Hopper. Or to Killian, the few times he cared to listen. Or to Ruby, who cares way more now than Killian ever did. There's nothing much left to say. I can't remember who I am. I can't remember where I came from or how I got here. I can't even remember Killian, who is supposedly the man I have chosen to spend my life with. You would think I would at least remember him, right? You would think that even if I didn't remember who he was, I would at least feel something for the man I was supposedly in love with. But I don't, not really. Doctor Hopper says those feelings could return with my memories, but I'm not optimistic. It's been five years and not even the slightest memory came back. Well, except my dream, if you can even call it that. It's more like a flash. A flash of a moment. But this flash, I see it every night now. Every time I go to sleep, I see this flash in my dreams. Every night since the first day I wrote in this thing, I've seen this flash in my dreams.

Wait! What if this flash…is a memory? What if that flash was my first memory I've had in five years?

Her shocking revelation pulled her from her thoughts and brought her gaze back to the ocean. Her heart was pounding as she thought about it. About the idea that maybe she was recovering a memory. She stared at the ocean so hard while her mind was racing that she didn't even notice that the sun had begun to set. She looked back down at her notebook, picking up her pen, ready to keep writing.

Okay. If this IS a memory I'm having, I should probably write it down so I can remember it. Just in case. I can't see anything, but I can hear the waves crashing against the shore. I can feel the water brushing against my legs. And I can tell I'm not alone, I can feel someone else with me, but I can't see them. I can only feel their presence and their hands on my shoulders. They are struggling to pull me up the shore a few feet. And then the dream, or the flash, or the memory ends and the person is gone. That's it. That's all I've got. That's all I have to work with.

She sighed as she looked back up to the water, watching as the sunset turned the waves orange and pink, crashing into the shore.

I guess maybe this journal thing is helping after all. If this flash is actually a memory, then this is the only thing that has helped me remember this whole time. If I start to remember something else, I'm definitely going to have to start writing in here more. To be honest, I'll try just about anything at this point to remember even the slightest thing. I would give anything for just one more tiny memory.

She checked her phone, realizing John would be texting her any minute now to let her know Killian was leaving work. She knew she should get ready to leave, but damn did she really want to go for a swim. She knew Killian would get pissed if he found out she went for another swim that day, especially if she was late to make dinner because of it. But at that very moment, she really didn't care. She needed to go for a swim.

"Screw it!" she said out loud as she jumped up and shed her clothes, leaving her bathing suit on, even though she was sure she was alone on the beach this time. She took off in a sprint toward the water, diving into a wave as soon as she was out far enough.

She swam for almost an hour as the rapidly setting sun disappeared behind the horizon. She swam until the sun disappeared and the full moon began to rise, illuminating the beach with its light. Once she realized how late it got, she quickly ran out of the water.

That's when she noticed the same woman from a few months ago, sitting in the exact same spot on the sand. This time, she was sure the woman was looking at her. She gave the woman a quick wave as she ran back to her clothes and dried off, rushing off toward her house, knowing she was going to get an earful from Killian for taking a late night swim.

Sure enough, he was waiting for her when she got home, two empty bottles of beer sitting in front of him on the table, a half empty one in his hand.

"Where the HELL have you been?" Killian spat, angrily.

"I went to the beach after work and lost track of time," she said, kicking off her sandy shoes.

He growled, chugging the rest of his beer. "And let me guess, you went swimming as well."

"Of course I did," she said, making her way into the kitchen to start dinner.

"You know how much I hate it when you go swimming," he snapped, his anger increasing. "Make dinner! And it better not be more freaking pasta!" He pushed her away from the refrigerator to get another beer. She rolled her eyes as she reached for the frozen burgers, tossing them on the hot skillet to cook. That could have been way worse, she thought to herself as she flipped the burgers, listening to the meat sizzle against the hot pan. Her mind flashed for a second to the woman on the beach, sitting in the sand all alone.

She finished cooking and served Killian his burger, receiving a grumble at how late his dinner was. She sighed as she started to eat her own food, she really wished she had stayed at the beach longer. She is never happier than when she's at the beach or in the water. She took a shower and went to bed early that night, after receiving the silent treatment from Killian.

She could hear the waves crashing into the shore. She had to focus to hear it, but it was definitely there. The unmistakable sound of the waves crashing against the shore. She focused her exhausted brain even more and she could feel the water against her skin, softly caressing her worn out body. She wasn't alone, she realized, when she felt soft hands against her arms. Whoever it was, they were struggling. Struggling to pull her across the sand and away from the water. The struggling continued for a few more minutes, until she could no longer feel the water against her legs, instead feeling the person collapse in the sand next to her for a moment. She tried to turn and look at the person who pulled her up onto the beach, but her eyes wouldn't open.

A moment later, she felt soft hands around her neck, securing something in place. She could feel the object fall against her chest. It was small, almost weightless and fastened around her neck with a thick piece of twine. It was somehow familiar. Very familiar. She tried to look down at the object that had been tied around her neck, managing to open her eyes for a split second…

Her eyes flew open once again as she shot up in bed, her hand immediately reaching for her necklace. The small purple seashell she wore around her neck every moment of every day. The only thing she had that she truly felt like it was hers. Her necklace. She could still feel the soft fingers on her skin, tying the shell around her neck. The flash she had been dreaming about for months was indeed a memory, and it was expanding. She was remembering! Once her breathing began to slow down, she checked the clock and realized it was time to get up and start her day if she wanted to make it to the docks before everyone else.

The air was growing colder, and she knew it was only a matter of time before they would have to stop fishing for the winter, and she wanted to spend as much time on the water as she could. She quickly got dressed, choosing jeans instead of her shorts and a long sleeve shirt over her tank, grabbing her hoodie before racing out the door. She made it to the docks in record time, once again the first one there. She quickly got to work and pulled away from the docks in record time, speeding out toward the open water. Once she found the perfect spot, she cut the engine and set up her rods, tossing her net over the side before settling into her usual spot on the edge of her boat, hanging her legs over the edge. Her fingers found her shell necklace once again as she stared out at the calm water, replaying her dream over and over again.

Something about this flash felt so much more real, because this time she had physical proof that what she was dreaming about was real. She remembered how she got her shell necklace. And she was starting to remember the night she ended up on the beach. If only she could remember the person who was there with her. From the way the person's hands felt against her skin, she knew it wasn't Killian. His hands were rough and calloused from years of working at the docks, and his touch was always hard, as if filled with anger and rage. This person's touch was soft and caring, full of love instead of hate.

She was so deep in thought that she almost missed the subtle shaking of one of the lines, indicating a fish had taken the bait. She worked quickly to reel in the fish and reset the line, eventually sitting back down and resuming her deep thoughts. What did it all mean? What actually happened to her that night? And why now, all of a sudden, was she starting to remember things after all these years?

The day flew by and before she knew it, she had just enough time for a quick swim before she had to return to the shore. She dove into the cold water and instantly felt calmer and more at home. As always, she took a deep breath and dove deep into the cold water and swam down as far as she could before the pressure forced her back up. She continued to dive a few more times, each time making it just a little deeper before surfacing. She didn't know why she did that. All she knew was, it always felt right when she did. Her mind continued to wander as she floated on her back, staring up at the sky, her body feeling weightless in the salty water. She knew she needed to start heading back to shore. She knew her time out in the water was over for the day, but she couldn't bring herself to climb back onto the boat and return to the marina. She knew she was going to be late, and she knew Killian was going to give her crap for it, blaming it on her swim for making her late, and for once he would be right.

Going against her instinct, she eventually climbed back onboard and started to make her way back to shore.

"Late again, Swan," Killian huffed when she jumped onto the wooden dock.

"Not today, Killian. I'm not in the mood," she snapped as she began to haul her cooler full of fish to the wooden dock to be sorted and recorded. She left the marina as soon as she could, going straight to the beach instead of stopping home to make her afternoon snack. She began shedding her clothes as soon as her feet met the sand and ran full force back into the water, her bathing suit still damp from her first swim. Her mind was racing and she needed to be in the water to calm her down.

She was starting to remember.

She was late for dinner again that night. She needed to clear her mind and the only way she knew to do that was to be in the water. She knew Killian would be pissed at the way she spoke to him on the docks earlier, and even more pissed when he got home and dinner wasn't ready. She braced herself for the wrath of Killian when she walked into the door.

Sure enough he was angry at her disappearance and started screaming at her for being late and not having dinner ready.

"Killian! I am NOT in the mood for bullshit tonight. Just leave me alone for once," she screamed, slamming the cabinets closed as she prepared to cook more pasta. Killian screamed some more about the way she spoke to him but she had already checked out.

The rest of the night was uncomfortable, Killian insisting she sit as close to him as she could so he could make sure she didn't run back to the beach again. He even went so far as making her sleep on the couch that night, thinking the change of scenery would punish her ever more. Little did he know, she was relieved to spend the night away from him for once. She settled into the couch after a long shower and closed her eyes, hoping to relive the same dream again.