Johnny pulled into the station, somewhat surprised to see the bunting gone and the flags once again flying at full staff.
It had been a full month now. In many ways it still felt as if it were only yesterday. Johnny wasn't sure time meant much of anything. Time passing hadn't eased the pain of Roy's loss much, though Johnny had managed to distract himself in a million different ways, shoving the painful thoughts aside when he could.
In the locker room, conversation carried on around him, almost as if things were back to normal. They weren't, and Johnny wasn't sure they ever would be. How everyone else could just move on baffled him. It was as if Roy had never really mattered at all.
He supposed that if everyone else was getting on with things, he should too. But he sure as hell didn't feel like moving on. It felt disrespectful, somehow.
There was little choice, Johnny figured, other than simply getting on with it. Put his head down, do his job, put a good face on things. At the very least, it would keep people off his back. He didn't need everyone worrying about him.
It wasn't as if Johnny deserved all that concern, anyway.
"Johnny? Hello?" Chet's voice suddenly pulled him out of his thoughts.
"Huh?"
"Nothing, forget it." Chet huffed.
The conversation continued around Johnny, but he barely tuned in. There was talk of the Ladies' Auxiliary fundraiser coming up and who was taking who, cracks between Marco and Chet, with Mike and Reggie occasionally throwing their two cents.
Any other time, Johnny would have been right in the middle of it, taking all the grief for not being able to find a date. His poor luck with dating had been a running joke for ages, and usually he would shrug it off.
It wasn't as if he was trying to get hitched or have kids. He was still mostly out for a good time. But more and more, that wasn't the case for the women he met, and he was on the verge of throwing in the towel on dating.
Not that he would admit that to anyone. No sense subjecting himself to more teasing than he was already getting.
"What about you, Johnny?" Marco called out to him.
Johnny huffed irritably as he poured a cup of coffee and turned around to lean against the counter. "Offered to take Joanne."
The room fell silent at that for a long moment. Finally, Reggie broke it. "That's real nice of you. I'll bet she could use a night out."
"Kinda weird, though, right?'' Chet questioned him. "I mean, taking out Roy's widow—"
"It's not a date." Johnny answered sharply as Marco smacked Chet hard in the shoulder.
"Didn't say it was." Chet replied quickly, shooting Marco a glare as he rubbed his shoulder. "Calm down, man. I mean, I'm sure you guys will have a great time."
Johnny wasn't so sure about that. He wasn't sure what he had been thinking, offering to take Joanne. Hell, he was surprised she had accepted.
He hadn't mentioned anything since he'd asked her, and he was pretty sure at some point, she would decide against going. But then the other day, at Jenny's soccer game, Joanne had mentioned that her sister was all set to come pick up the kids for that evening.
So that was that, Johnny supposed. There was no backing out now. Not that Johnny would have, but this whole thing was making him more anxious than he was willing to admit.
"Sure, yeah." Johnny replied. And if not, that was just par for the course, Johnny supposed.
The tones went off, and they were off and running. Johnny and Reggie ended up with a series of back-to-back calls, and Johnny was somewhat grateful for the distraction. This, he could do. He'd done it for so long that it was almost automatic. And he had only called Reggie by the wrong name once, so he considered that a small victory.
That part was slowly getting easier. Reggie had proven himself to be more than capable, and he and Johnny were starting to come together as a team. It wasn't the same, of course, but it wasn't going to be the same with anyone.
"Man, I don't know about you, but I'm beat." Reggie told him as they climbed into the squad after a late afternoon call.
The day was starting to catch up to Johnny as well. The busy day, coupled with him still not sleeping well left him feeling more exhausted than usual. "It's been a little crazy today. Not complaining, but…"
"I hear you." Reggie nodded.
They made idle conversation all the way back to the station, and Johnny backed the squad into the bay, shutting it off and staring out the windshield for a moment at the flags rippling in the breeze.
That wave of sadness washed over him again now that he didn't have a call to distract him, the same old thoughts that had been on an endless loop for the last month surfacing again.
God, would those thoughts ever leave him?
"Hey." Reggie's voice pulled him out of his thoughts.
"Huh?"
"Don't know about you, but I could use something to eat." Reggie told him.
Johnny nodded at that. "Suppose I could, too."
A sigh from Reggie stopped Johnny just as he had his hand on the door handle. "Hold on, Johnny."
Johnny pulled back. "What?"
Reggie looked thoughtful for a moment. "I didn't want to say anything. You know, not sure it's my place."
Johnny was a little baffled. "About what?"
"This whole damn situation." Reggie replied. "Been trying to mind my business and not make waves."
Johnny huffed irritably. "Whatever you've got to say, just say it."
Reggie was silent for a long moment before finally continuing. "When we lost Steve at Twenty-Eight, it was hard. We weren't right for months. And you know, it was never the same. New guy came in and picked up just fine, but it changed things. Same for you guys."
"Doesn't seem like the rest of them are having any trouble." The words came out before Johnny could stop himself.
"Don't kid yourself." Reggie responded quietly. "Trust me, they're trying to put a good face on things, same as you are. Doesn't help that you and Roy worked so closely together. It makes a difference."
"Won't make that mistake again." Johnny blurted out, immediately wishing he hadn't. "Reggie, I didn't mean it that way. Shit. I don't know what's wrong with me."
"I get it." Reggie replied, seemingly not the least bit offended. "And nothing's wrong with you. I don't expect to be your best friend, okay? Just expect to get along well enough to work together."
Johnny nodded. "Think we're already doing that."
"Good to hear." Reggie answered. "And listen, if for some reason you do want to talk about it, I'm here."
"Okay." Johnny replied, though he had trouble imagining such a thing. If he started talking about everything that was running through his mind, Reggie would surely think he was nuts.
No, he was better off keeping his thoughts to himself.
"Think I'll go see if that chili's ready yet." Reggie ventured.
"Right, yeah." Johnny snapped back to the present, climbing down from the squad and starting toward the day room with Reggie.
"Hey, about time." Marco called out to them from the stove. "Chili's almost ready."
"Good thing." Reggie told Marco. "We didn't catch a break all damn day. I'm starving."
"Bet that partner of yours is, too." Marco replied.
"Hope you made plenty." Johnny tried to sound casual. "Might be a three-bowl night."
"You eat three bowls of Marco's chili, you're gonna be out on the couch tonight." Chet told him to a round of snickers from the rest of the crew.
"Like you were last time?" Johnny asked innocently.
"That wasn't me." Chet argued. "That was Roy."
"Think he's right." Cap concurred, cutting off all debate before it got too far. "You guys got called out late that night and Henry was in Roy's bunk, remember?"
"How the hell could you forget that, Johnny?" Chet asked him. "You were the one complaining the most."
"Must have blocked it out." Johnny mumbled around a mouth full of chili.
"I don't know how." Chet shook his head. "Think that's when we voted to take chili out of the rotation for a while."
Johnny remembered that a lot more clearly now, how Roy had grumbled about his heartburn on the way back from that call, how Johnny had kept offering up helpful suggestions.
Well, he had thought he was being helpful. Roy hadn't exactly seen it that way.
That story triggered another story about Roy, then another, and eventually, Johnny needed to step away. He set his bowl in the sink and stepped outside, tapping a cigarette out of his pack, lighting it up and inhaling deeply before exhaling forcefully.
It was good, mostly, to be able to talk about Roy. After a while, though, it caused an ache in Johnny's chest that wouldn't leave.
Who knew losing one person could hurt so goddamn much?
He heard the door open, and he turned his head to see Chet coming out to join him, his hands shoved in his pockets. "Just came out to check up on you."
"No need." Johnny told him, taking one last puff before extinguishing the cigarette.
"Ah, bullshit." Chet scoffed. "You're not fooling anyone."
"I don't wanna talk about it." Johnny answered quietly, in a tone he hoped would shut Chet up.
"You don't have to." Chet replied. "Just know you're not alone in missing him."
Johnny swallowed hard and blinked. "Sure."
Chet's only response was a quick thump between Johnny's shoulder blades before he went back inside, and Johnny was soon alone again in the fading evening light.
He let out a long sigh as he lit another cigarette. Someday this would get easier. Johnny just wished someday would come a little more quickly.
# # #
Joanne stood in front of her open closet, trying to decide between the two dresses she held. Suddenly it felt like the hardest decision on earth.
"This is ridiculous." She told herself out loud.
The knock on the door pulled her out of her internal debate, and she moved to answer, her shoulders sagging in relief. "Come in."
Eileen did so, greeting Joanne with a quick hug. "You're not dressed. Is everything okay?"
"Oh, I'm trying to make up my mind what to wear." Joanne huffed. "It's so silly."
"It's not." Eileen assured her.
"Aunt Eileen!" Jenny raced in and wrapped herself around her. "Uncle Johnny's taking Mom out tonight."
"I know." Eileen replied, giving Joanne a questioning look. "Why don't you go finish getting ready. And tell Chris I'm here, too."
"Chris!" Jenny yelled as she raced down the hallway. "Aunt Eileen's here!"
Joanne let out a sigh while Eileen laughed. "I'm sorry. It's not quite what Jenny thinks it is."
"Oh, I know that." Eileen assured her. "I think it was very kind of Johnny to offer. It'll be good for you to get out of the house for the evening."
"I just don't want people to think…oh, never mind." Joanne shook her head.
"Think what?" Eileen asked.
Joanne returned to the bedroom, still debating the two dresses. "Oh, you know. That something is going on between me and Johnny. You know how people can be."
Eileen wasn't far behind her. "Let people think what they want. You and Johnny know the truth, and that's all that matters." She pointed to one of the dresses. "And you should wear that dress. Roy always loved you in that one."
"Well, that settles that, I suppose." Joanne picked up both dresses and put the other one away. "That just leaves shoes and makeup and…"
"And you are making too much of this." Eileen told her firmly. "Relax. Enjoy yourself. And don't worry if people talk."
"You're right." Joanne replied, hugging Eileen tightly. "I know."
"Of course I'm right." Eileen answered with a laugh. "Aren't I always?"
"Almost always." Joanne told her. "And thank you."
Eileen nodded, lightly rubbing Joanne's arm before starting to leave the room. "Okay, let's get this show on the road! Say goodbye to your mom!"
Both kids came in and hugged Joanne, and she responded in kind. "Be good. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bye, Mom." Jenny replied cheerfully, while Chris merely nodded before going off with Eileen.
"They'll be fine, I promise." Eileen assured her before she said a word. "Don't worry about a thing."
Joanne's misgivings had nothing to do with the kids going with Eileen. She knew the kids would have a good time with their cousins, and it would be good for them to spend time there, too.
No, it was the thought of being here alone that bothered her. It had been a long time since she had been here alone without the knowledge that Roy would be home from his shift in the morning. At that time, she had been relieved for the momentary peace and quiet.
Now it would be far too quiet, Joanne knew. It was almost enough to make Joanne want to change her mind about the whole thing.
But no, she had already committed to this. She wasn't going to back out on Johnny at the last minute. He didn't deserve that.
Finally, she got dressed and put her make-up on, trying not to think about all the evenings spent getting ready for events just like this, with Roy gently teasing her about taking so long to get ready.
As she sat at her dressing table, she could almost feel his hands on her shoulders, gently squeezing while kissing the top of her head. "You're already beautiful." He would tell her. "Prettiest girl I know."
She sighed quietly, opening her jewelry box to find the earrings that Roy had given her for her last birthday. No, not from Roy. He had insisted they were from the kids.
No matter, she loved them, and they had become a favorite accessory. And they did go perfectly with her dress.
Once she dabbed on a bit of perfume, she felt a little more like herself. She was as ready as she was going to be.
She heard the knock on the door as she was coming out of the bedroom, and she crossed to answer, turning on the porch light and opening the door.
Johnny's eyes seemed to go a little wide, as if he'd been caught by surprise. But he seemed to recover quickly, greeting her with that familiar half-smile. "Hey, Jo."
"Hi, Johnny." Joanne greeted him. "Come on in. I'll be ready in just a minute."
Johnny stepped inside and closed the door behind him. Joanne had to admit that he cleaned up nicely, though it was always odd to see him in a jacket and tie. More casual clothing seemed to suit him better.
This was silly. Joanne scolded herself for even having those sorts of thoughts. Johnny was a friend of the family, albeit a very handsome one. She had no business thinking of him otherwise.
She switched over from one purse to another and snapped it closed before crossing back to where Johnny waited by the door, fiddling with his keys. "Sorry, I think I'm ready."
Johnny studied her carefully. "You know, we can skip this if you're not feeling up to it."
"Do you have something else in mind?"
Johnny shook his head. "No, not really. Just giving you an out if you need it."
"Do you need an out?" Joanne asked gently.
Johnny looked puzzled for a moment before shaking his head again. "Nope, nope. I'm fine. And if you wanna go, we'll go."
Joanne was confused by Johnny's behavior, but let it pass. "Then we'd best go now. Wouldn't want to be late, would we?"
"Definitely not." Johnny stepped outside while Joanne locked the door behind her, and they made their way to the Rover. Johnny opened the door for her while she climbed up, an oddly gentlemanly move on his part, Joanne thought.
At the same time, she was loathe to say anything. Johnny seemed to be having a hard enough time tonight without her adding to it.
It was a short drive to the banquet hall, and Joanne could feel a rising sense of dread as they pulled in. The fundraiser had drawn a good crowd, which pleased Joanne, of course, but the idea of facing all those people bothered her. There were sure to be questions and expressions of concern and sympathy, and Joanne had gotten quite enough of that after Roy's funeral.
She wasn't much of a drinker, but a glass of wine to start the evening was starting to sound better and better.
Suddenly she felt Johnny's fingers curling around her hand, his thumb lightly brushing across her knuckles, and she felt some of the anxiety ease. When she looked over at him, there was that same reassuring expression she had come to know over these last few weeks.
It would be fine. Of course it would be fine.
Joanne squeezed his hand in response, and as if through mutual understanding, they both climbed down from the Rover, and Joanne took the arm Johnny offered as they headed inside.
"You just tell me when you're ready to bail." Johnny told her.
"You do the same." Joanne answered.
Johnny looked as if he were going to respond, but seemed to decide against it, replying with a nod instead.
"Joanne!" A voice rang out, and Joanne found herself swept up in a tight hug. "It's so good to see you. We didn't think you'd come tonight."
Joanne responded in kind. "Well, I had to make sure everything went as planned."
"You didn't have to do that." One of the women told her. Marsha, Joanne thought her name was. "And if you hadn't come, we certainly would have understood. Seeing as it's so soon after—"
"Marsha, honestly." Another woman scolded her.
"I didn't mean anything by it." Marsha answered defensively. "I just remember when Frank died. No one saw hide or hair of Nadine for months."
Marsha squeezed Joanne's arm. "Personally, I think the sooner someone gets out and about, the better. No sense wallowing at home."
Good heavens, that glass of wine sounded better than ever.
"Think I'm gonna hit the bar, Jo." Johnny seemed to read her mind. "Do you want something?"
"I'll just come with you." Joanne replied before turning her attention back to the women. "It was nice to see you."
She left their murmured responses behind her as she accompanied Johnny to the bar. "Thank you for rescuing me. They're a gossipy bunch."
Johnny let out a short laugh. "You looked like you needed a drink after dealing with them. What'll you have?"
"Red wine." Joanne replied. "And I might need a couple more before the evening's out if this keeps up."
Johnny looked equal parts surprised and amused as he placed their drink order, handing Joanne the glass once the bartender served them. "I think I see some of the Fifty-One crew over there."
Joanne turned to see where Johnny was pointing. She recognized Captain Stanley immediately, and it took a moment before she recognized Chet, Marco, and Mike. There was one more man she didn't recognize, a dark-skinned man nearly as tall as Captain Stanley.
"Hey, guys." Johnny called out.
There were murmured greetings all around, and Emily Stanley crossed to greet Joanne with a long hug. "It's good to see you. How are you doing?"
"Oh, better." Joanne hugged her back. "I'm adjusting. Just trying to make things as normal as I can for the kids. Johnny's been a big help."
Emily glanced over at Johnny with a worried expression. "I know it's been hard for him, too. Hank's been so worried about him."
"So have I." Joanne confessed. "I don't want him to put himself out so much, but you know how he is. He can't seem to help himself."
"True." Emily nodded.
"Hey, Jo." Johnny called out to her, holding an arm out. "Got someone I want you to meet."
Joanne crossed to where Johnny stood, and Johnny placed his hand at the small of her back. "This is Reggie Parker, the one I was telling you about."
"I remember." Joanne replied, holding a hand out to Reggie. "Roy spoke very highly of you when you were training with him."
Reggie took her hand in a firm grasp, shaking it briefly before letting go. "Your husband left some big shoes to fill. It was a privilege to learn from him and from this guy."
"Reggie's coming along in his own way." Johnny told her, though Joanne didn't miss the slightly pained expression that briefly crossed his face. "He's one hell of a partner."
Reggie nodded. "Appreciate that, man. And this lovely lady is my wife, Charlene."
Charlene was nearly as tall as her husband, her skin tone nearly matching his, and she flashed Joanne a warm smile as she took her hand. "Joanne, it's lovely to meet you. And Johnny, Reggie tells me you're a fine partner yourself."
Johnny seemed to blush a little, glancing down at the floor before lifting his head to respond. "If it weren't for Roy, I wouldn't be here. Seriously."
"Well, thank goodness for him, then." Charlene replied smoothly before turning to Reggie. "I believe that's our song they're playing. And you did promise me a few turns out on that dance floor."
Reggie laughed at that. "That I did, baby. That I did. The things I do for love. Excuse us."
After the couple left them, Joanne nudged Johnny lightly. "They're a lovely couple."
"Yeah." Johnny murmured as he took a long drink. "Wonder if she has sisters."
Joanne was only mildly surprised. That was more like the Johnny she knew, though she couldn't help smacking him on the arm. "Johnny, really."
"Sorry." Johnny turned a deeper shade of red than he had previously. "Suppose I should mind my manners a little, huh?"
"Just a little." Joanne replied. She had to admit that Charlene was a stunning woman. Any woman might feel as if she fell short in comparison. Joanne certainly did in that moment.
"Joanne!" Yet another woman from the auxiliary was calling to her, and she found herself swept up in conversation again.
The rest of the evening was a bit of a blur, and she found herself separated from Johnny on more than one occasion. She would look up and see him across the room, talking to someone, and he would somehow catch her eye and flash her that half-smile.
It was doing something to her. Or perhaps it was just the wine. Yes, it had to be the wine. Time to cut herself off, she supposed.
She spotted Johnny threading his way through the crowd to find her. "Hey, there you are. Thought I lost you again."
Joanne couldn't help laughing a little. "Well, you found me."
Johnny glanced toward the dance floor, then back at her. "Sounds like they're about to wrap it up. How do you feel about a dance?"
Joanne took a deep breath and exhaled. "I don't see why not."
Johnny took her hand and led her out to the dance floor, and it took her a moment to recognize the song. Well, she recognized the singer, if not the song. "James Taylor." She said out loud.
"Hmm?" Johnny responded as he pulled her in close.
"The singer." Joanne replied. "James Taylor."
"Oh." Johnny answered quietly. "I know some of his stuff. It's not usually my thing. This one's pretty good, though."
"I fix broken hearts, I'm your handyman…"
Joanne let the lyrics sink in. She couldn't help but wonder if this had been a deliberate choice on Johnny's part. She supposed it didn't really matter. It was enough in the moment to allow Johnny to draw her in close, to allow herself to rest her head against his chest, to take in the scent of smoke and something else, something she couldn't quite place, but would now forever associate with Johnny.
She felt him softly kiss the top of her head. "I know it's not the same, Jo." He told her quietly.
Joanne pulled back to look up at him. "It doesn't have to be."
He let out a short sigh. "I just want to make all of this better. I don't know how."
"Johnny." Joanne told him firmly. "You've done so much. More than enough."
Johnny didn't answer, merely pulling her back in, his hand splaying out across the small of her back as the song ended and the lights came up.
"Suppose that's it." Johnny told her quietly as he pulled back slightly. "Whenever you're ready."
Joanne nodded, and they made their way through the rapidly shrinking crowd, stopping to chat with a few people along the way before they finally made it back out to the Rover.
It was another short drive home, and Johnny pulled into the driveway and shut off the Rover before reaching for Joanne's hand. "Hope you had a good time."
"I did." Joanne replied, threading her fingers with Johnny's. "Even though it seemed everyone wanted to talk about Roy."
"Yeah, wasn't counting on that." Johnny responded with a brief huff. "Seemed like everyone I ran into wanted to talk about him. Not that I mind, you know. It's good that everyone wants to remember him. After a while, it just hurts, you know?"
His voice went a little rough at the end, and Joanne's heart ached for him. Joanne knew that Johnny was hurting. If only she could give him a little bit of the comfort and care that he had given her over these last few weeks.
No, she was willing to give it. It was a question of whether he'd accept it.
She reached out, brushing back some of his hair that had gone wild over the course of the evening before bringing her hand to rest on his cheek. He almost immediately reached out to cover her hand with his. "Jo, it's okay. I'll go home, smoke a shitload of pot and crash. I'll be fine."
Joanne scoffed. "Johnny, really."
She could just make out his half-smile in the dark as he turned slightly to kiss the palm of her hand. "I'm kidding. Mostly."
But Joanne wasn't quite ready to let him off so easily. "I know I've been leaning on you so much, and maybe I shouldn't. But you should be able to lean on me just as much."
"I'm not gonna do that, Jo." Johnny shook his head. "You've got enough to deal with. I'm not gonna add to it."
"You're not." Joanne argued. "We've both lost someone important to us. We're in this together. Don't think for a moment that we aren't."
Johnny closed his eyes and let out a ragged sigh. For a moment it seemed as if he might break. Finally, he opened his eyes, looking directly at Joanne. "I miss him, Jo. I miss him so much."
"I know." Joanne replied softly. "I know."
That seemed to be what Johnny needed, and he leaned in, wrapping his arms around her and resting his head on her shoulder. She could hear the slightest hitch in his breath followed by another ragged sigh.
"Sorry, Jo." His voice was muffled. "Just wanted you to have an evening without having to think about all of this."
"It was still a lovely evening." Joanne told him. "Thank you."
Johnny pulled back, tucking a piece of hair behind Joanne's ear. "Suppose we should call it a night. I'll walk you to your door."
Joanne nodded in agreement, and they climbed down to make their way to the front door. She found herself oddly reluctant to end the evening, knowing she was going inside to an empty house, and knowing that Johnny was going home alone, too.
"Kids are gone tonight, right?" Johnny asked once they got to the door.
"Yes." Joanne nodded as she found her house key.
There was a long pause before Johnny spoke again. "You gonna be okay by yourself?"
Joanne let out a nervous laugh. "What are you trying to say, Johnny?"
"Nothing." Johnny answered quickly. "I'm not trying to, you know, start anything. Just worried about you, that's all."
Joanne smiled at that. "I appreciate that. But you don't need to take pity on me."
"Wouldn't dream of it." Johnny replied quietly.
The thought of Johnny keeping her company was appealing, she had to admit. There was nothing wrong with two friends keeping each other company, was there?
The fact that the friend in question was incredibly attractive to her right now was beside the point.
Finally, she came to a decision. "Johnny, would you like to come in for a while?"
Johnny smiled at that. "Thought you'd never ask."