Johnny pulled into the driveway that evening and shut off the Rover. He still wasn't sure this was such a great idea, but Joanne had all but insisted.
It was bound to be an emotional time, and Johnny wasn't sure he was prepared to deal with that.
Still, he was here now. Might as well make the best of it, as he'd been doing all along.
He climbed down from the Rover and pulled out his bag, slinging it over his shoulder before grabbing the pile of presents and closing the door. Before he'd made it up the front walk, both kids came racing out to meet him.
"Uncle Johnny!" Jenny got to him first, hugging him around his waist.
"Hey, Jenny." He handed her a couple of the presents. "Take those in and put them under the tree, okay? No peeking."
Jenny took the presents and ran back to the house, and Johnny turned his attention to Chris. "You wanna take the rest of these off my hands?"
Chris smiled slightly and nodded. "Sure."
"Great, thanks." Johnny handed him the rest of the presents, and he followed Chris into the house.
A variety of smells hit his nose almost as soon as he walked in, the memories of past Christmases spent over here coming back to him in a rush and bringing a rush of emotion along with it. This was going to be a hell of a lot harder than he thought.
Joanne emerged from the kitchen, greeting him with a tired smile and a brief hug. "Hi. Sorry, everything's a bit of a mess, including me."
"Don't worry about it." Johnny assured her. "Just tell me where to jump in."
Joanne looked over her shoulder toward the kitchen. "How are you at dish duty?"
"Get stuck on it at the station often enough." Johnny told her with a short laugh. "Suppose I'm pretty good at it."
"You're hired." Joanne replied.
Johnny followed Joanne to the kitchen and started filling the sink with hot, soapy water while Joanne busied herself checking on what she had going in the oven. The kids were running in and out, peppering Joanne with a thousand questions.
It was so much like any other Christmas in the DeSoto household, and yet everything had changed.
He couldn't help going back to that conversation he and Chet had ages ago, how Chet had questioned Johnny's motives regarding Joanne, how Johnny had denied that there was anything going on that shouldn't have been. And even now, he felt the weight of Chet's judgement every time he called Joanne from the station, could see him shaking his head out of the corner of his eye.
Who the hell was he fooling, anyway? He could never possibly measure up to Roy, and it was foolish to try. Maybe Chet was right, Johnny just wasn't family man material.
Still, he owed Joanne and the kids something. He wasn't going to up and disappear on them, though the urge to do so early on after Roy's death had been strong. And he did feel something for Joanne, despite their agreement to simply be friends. He could hardly deny that.
Was it real? And what was real, anyway? He cared deeply for Joanne and the kids, would do anything for them. If that wasn't real, Johnny didn't know what was.
"Johnny?" Joanne's voice snapped him out of his thoughts.
"Huh?" Johnny responded, utterly confused.
"I'm going to clean myself up before we go." Joanne told him, resting a hand on his arm. "The lasagna's out and cooling."
"Oh, okay." Johnny managed what he hoped was a smile before returning to the dishes in the sink. How long had he been washing that one damn plate, anyway?
"Uncle Johnny, I wanna help." Jenny was right beside him, pulling up a chair.
"Me too." Chris chimed in.
"Well, uh, okay." Johnny answered. "Tell you what. I'll wash. Jenny, you rinse. Chris, you dry and put away, okay?"
It worked well enough, and Jenny was soon chattering a mile a minute, clearly excited about Christmas. Johnny could hardly keep up with her thoughts, and he wondered if this was how Roy had felt dealing with him on a regular basis. No wonder Chris was so quiet. It wasn't as if he had a chance to get a word in edgewise.
"Wow, look at you guys." Joanne's voice was right behind him. "Quite a crew you've got set up here."
"They wanted to help." Johnny explained. "Couldn't tell them no."
"It's good for them." Joanne nodded before placing a hand on each child's back. "Okay, you've helped enough. Go get changed."
Both kids ran off, and Joanne took their place at the sink. "I can't tell you how much I appreciate this."
"It's nothing." Johnny shrugged.
"I don't just mean the dishes." Joanne replied quietly.
"Oh." Johnny finished washing and let the water out, watching it swirl down the drain. "Yeah, I mean, I don't mind going, you know."
"Uncle Johnny?" Chris's voice was right behind him. He turned to see Chris holding a tie in his hand.
"Need a hand with that?" Johnny asked as he wiped his hands off on a towel.
Chris nodded, and Johnny took the tie from Chris's hand, kneeling in front of him. "You know, I used to have a hell…heck of a time with these things. Put up your collar."
"Roy taught him a rhyme." Joanne told him. "Chris, do you remember?"
Chris tilted his chin upward as he did as Johnny instructed. "Uncle Johnny's better at it."
Johnny paused at that. "You wanna do it together? I kinda need to fix mine, too."
There was a full-length mirror on the bathroom door, and Johnny undid his own tie and put up his collar. "Okay, so you've gotta have the ends just like this. Now, what was the rhyme your dad taught you?"
Chris frowned slightly as he started to loop the tie. "Fat over thin, fat around again, fat into keyhole, right down the drain."
"That's pretty smart." Johnny told him as he did the same.
Chris tried to adjust it again. "I can't get it."
"Let me take a look." Johnny replied, guiding Chris so that they faced each other. He loosened the tie slightly and made it so it was more even. "You did pretty good. It takes a lot of practice to get it right."
Chris's face scrunched up. "I don't like wearing ties."
"Me neither." Johnny laughed a little at that. "Good thing I don't have to wear one all the time."
With one final adjustment, Chris's tie was finally straight. "There we go."
Chris suddenly hugged Johnny tightly. "Thanks."
Johnny slowly responded in kind, something welling up in him that he couldn't quite explain. "You bet. Let's go see if your mom and Jenny are ready, huh?"
Chris nodded, and they headed back down the hallway to the living room, where Joanne was gathering her purse and fussing over Jenny. She smiled ever so slightly when she spotted them. "I think we're ready."
Somehow, they all managed to get out the door and up into the Rover, and this time Johnny made sure to turn down the volume before he started it up. This time he had the radio on, and he could hear the kids singing along as he drove.
Soon enough he pulled into the church parking lot and shut off the Rover. He hadn't been here since Roy's funeral, and a brief image of the sea of dress blue uniforms interspersed with black flashed through his mind.
Tonight, it looked entirely different, the lights and garland shining in the darkness. No, tonight wasn't a time of mourning, but a time of celebration.
Johnny just wished like hell the circumstances were different.
He felt Joanne's hand slide over his, her fingers curling around and squeezing lightly. She was smiling ever so slightly in a way Johnny was sure was meant to be comforting, but he could see the sadness reflected there.
"Gonna be okay, Jo." He told her, squeezing her hand in return.
"Let's gooo." Jenny piped up from the backseat. "Miss Mary Ann wants us all there so we can practice."
"Okay, okay." Johnny responded with a short laugh, quickly releasing Joanne's hand as they all piled out of the Rover and started toward the church. Once inside, the kids took off, leaving Johnny and Joanne in the lobby as other churchgoers swarmed around them.
"We should go find a pew." Joanne told him.
"Right, yeah." Johnny nodded, still taking in the whole scene. Organ music floated out from the sanctuary, and the space was filled with lights and garland, poinsettia plants set at the entrance and on the stage on either side of the pulpit.
Joanne handed him a candle with a piece of cardboard attached, and he offered her his arm before they entered the sanctuary. She took his arm, and they found an open spot near the front, settling in.
It was oddly peaceful, being here. Johnny wasn't a particularly religious man, having quit going to church years ago. But there was something about being here that made him feel something deeper, some sense of spiritual connection.
The music stopped and the sanctuary slowly went quiet, and the minister stepped up to the pulpit, the same man who had presided over Roy's funeral.
No, he wasn't going to think about that anymore tonight. He was going to focus on the purpose of this service, not get mired once again in grief that surely should have passed by now.
He did his best to listen intently as the minister preached his sermon, focusing on the message. Peace on earth, goodwill toward men. The reason for the season. Mercy and grace.
A merciful God wouldn't have taken Roy, Johnny thought to himself. He still couldn't reconcile that and was sure he never could. How could it be God's will that Johnny was here, and Roy wasn't? It made no damn sense.
Joanne's hand touched his, and he turned briefly to look at her. As difficult as this was for him, it had to be more so for her.
Johnny took her hand, threading his fingers with hers and curling over her hand. They were in this together now, forever connected by the man who had been such an important part of their lives. In an odd way, Johnny could almost feel his presence here.
The sermon ended, and Johnny could see a group of children file on to the risers in front of the pulpit. He immediately spotted Jenny and Chris as they both chatted with the kids next to them. The woman who had led them in got them settled down, and with the organ accompanying them, they started singing.
This was definitely quieter than the school concert had been, the songs more reverent, the children's voices rising and echoing through the sanctuary. Joanne suddenly let go of his hand, and he heard a soft sniffle.
He turned to see her rummaging through her purse, finally coming up with a tissue, pressing it to her nose, her eyes closed. God, he wanted nothing more to pull her in close, to tell her it was okay, that he was here, right here.
Instead, he settled for sliding a hand across her shoulders and rubbing gently until she seemed to pull herself together, turning toward him with a watery smile. He squeezed her shoulder and resumed listening to the children sing.
The children finished, and the minister took the pulpit once again, but this time Johnny barely listened. Instead, he kept his attention on Joanne, who was looking straight ahead, her chin tilted upward just as Chris's had been earlier. She was calm now, almost serene.
God, she was a lovely woman. No wonder Roy had always been so in love with her.
Johnny immediately checked that thought. He definitely shouldn't be having those kinds of thoughts in a church.
The minister finished, and what Johnny assumed was the regular church choir took to the risers. A hush fell over the sanctuary as the choir started, the sounds of the Hallelujah Chorus soon ringing out through the building.
It was a powerful piece, reminding Johnny of many a Christmas sitting in a hard pew next to his aunt as their small church's choir took this on. As a child, he'd been bored listening to it. As he got older, he appreciated it more, not that he would have let his aunt know that. He was too busy trying hard to be cool, and utterly failing.
He was startled out of his thoughts by someone nudging him, and he turned to see the person next to him with a lit candle. Johnny carefully held the wick of his own candle to the flame, letting it catch before turning to Joanne. She did the same, meeting his eyes with a soft smile, the tears dried now.
The choir finished as the lights slowly dimmed in the sanctuary, and the minister stepped up to the pulpit to speak one more time. "As it is written in John Chapter One, Verse Five, the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. And so, I leave you tonight with this prayer. As lights are present in this holiday season, let there be a light within our hearts. As we turn on lights to our trees, and to our homes, we express hope for the light of Christ to be more and more evident in our world. May the light of Jesus presence shine in our forgiveness towards others. May it shine in our expressions of justice and equality to all. May the light shine in the care we provide for each person. Let there be light, in our cities, in our families, and in our souls. God, thank you for providing the light that dispels the darkness. Amen."
"Amen." The soft murmurs seemed to reverberate through the sanctuary, and after a moment of silence, the organ started again for a final hymn. The entire church, it seemed, joined in for Silent Night, though Johnny thought it might be somewhat sacrilegious if he tried to sing. He knew his limitations.
However, he found himself joining in, and he once again felt Joanne's hand in his. An odd sort of peace washed over him, one that might not last past this night, but one he would willingly take anyway.
And just like that, it was over, and the lights slowly came back up in the sanctuary as everyone started to file out. He followed Joanne out of the pew and up the aisle, blowing out his candle and sticking it in a bucket of water near the door.
"Mom! Uncle Johnny!" Jenny's voice rang out as she raced down the hallway, Chris following close behind. "Did you see us?"
"Sure did." Johnny answered, scooping Jenny up in a hug while extending his other arm to Chris. "You guys sounded terrific."
"I tried to find you and Mom, but the lights were too bright." Jenny told him.
Joanne had been momentarily occupied by talking to several people who had come up to her after the service, but now she turned back to the kids. "Well, we saw and heard you just fine. You sounded lovely."
"Can we go?" Chris asked. "I'm hungry."
"A child after my own heart." Johnny commented. "Ready?"
"Oh, yes." Joanne answered.
They returned to the Rover for the drive back to their house, and almost as soon as they pulled in, the kids piled out and ran for the door. Joanne let out a sigh. "It's going to be a long night. I'm afraid they're a bit wound up."
Johnny shrugged. "It's Christmas Eve. They're just excited, right?"
"Right." Joanne nodded.
Johnny and Joanne climbed down and made their way to the door to open it, and Joanne toed off her shoes. "Okay, go get changed." She told the kids. "I'll get the lasagna heated up, and then we'll eat."
"I can do that." Johnny offered. "Go change."
Joanne seemed surprised for a moment before nodding. "Of course. I'll be out in a minute."
Johnny toed off his own shoes, hanging up his jacket, tugging off his tie and unbuttoning his shirt a little before unbuttoning his cuffs and rolling up his sleeves. He already felt a lot more comfortable as he headed into the kitchen to start up the oven. Once it was to temperature, he shoved the lasagna in and closed the door.
He could already hear the chaos down the hall, and he thought perhaps he should check in to make sure the kids weren't wrecking anything. They were both in the bathroom trying to get to the sink to wash up, neither one of them willing to make any room for the other.
"You guys okay in here?" Johnny asked.
Chris glared at Jenny as he wiped his hands off on a towel. "Yeah."
"He pushed me." Jenny told Johnny. "I was just trying to wash my hands."
The matter seemed to be settled now. "Tell you what, once you're done here, why don't we get ready to eat? Won't take long for that lasagna to heat up."
The three of them went to the kitchen, and Johnny got down plates while Chris found silverware. "Uncle Johnny, I wanna help." Jenny tugged on his shirt.
"Uh, how about those napkins?" Johnny suggested. "Bring them on out to the table."
Johnny set a plate at each place, while Chris followed behind with the forks and Jenny followed behind him with napkins. The smell of the heating lasagna wafted from the kitchen, and Johnny's stomach rumbled, reminding him that he hadn't taken the time to eat much today.
"Wow, you guys have been busy." Joanne's voice caught Johnny's attention.
"Nothing left to do but get the lasagna out." Johnny told her.
Joanne lightly touched Johnny's shoulder as she passed by, and before long she was back with the pan of steaming hot goodness, setting it in the middle of the table.
Soon they were settled in and eating, relaxed in a way that almost felt normal, laughing and talking as they always did.
"Uncle Johnny, are you really going to be here in the morning?" Jenny asked him.
"Sure am." He answered. "Someone's gotta wait for Santa, right?"
Chris laughed quietly at that. "There's no such thing as Santa."
"Is too." Jenny retorted. "Uncle Johnny, will you tell him I tried really hard to be good this year?"
"I'm sure he already knows, sweetheart." Joanne told her.
"I'll make extra sure he knows." Johnny assured her.
Chris glanced over at Johnny. "Dad always read us Night Before Christmas."
Johnny studied Chris for a moment, wanting to tread carefully. "Suppose I could read it. If you want me to."
Chris seemed to consider that for a long moment before nodding. "Okay."
Johnny was pleasantly surprised, and when he glanced over at Joanne, she seemed equally so. "Okay." He repeated.
"Uncle Johnny, I'm all done." Jenny announced. "Can you read to us now?"
Chris pushed back his plate. "I'm done, too."
Johnny looked over at Joanne, who merely shook her head. "Go. I'll get this cleaned up."
Both kids climbed down and Jenny immediately went to find the book on the bookshelf before climbing onto her bed. "Right here, Uncle Johnny."
Johnny climbed onto Jenny's bed, and he soon had a kid on either side of him as he started reading. "Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."
As he read on, both kids seemed to try to snuggle in closer, and it wasn't long before Jenny was sound asleep on his shoulder. He turned to Chris. "You want me to finish?"
"Yeah." Chris nodded. "She always falls asleep first."
"Okay." Johnny couldn't help laughing quietly at that.
He read on until he reached the end. "…a Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."
Chris's eyes were starting to drift shut, and Johnny gave him a brief nudge. "Hey, how about we get you to bed?"
"'Kay." Chris answered sleepily as he slowly slid off Jenny's bed and padded down the hallway to his own room, climbing into his bed. Johnny pulled the covers over him and started to leave the room.
"Uncle Johnny?" Chris's voice caught him just as he was leaving.
"Yeah?"
Chris was quiet for a long moment. "I'm glad you're here. I just wish Dad was here, too."
Johnny returned to sit on the bed. "I wish he was, too. It's not the same without him, is it?"
Chris shook his head, and Johnny's heart broke a little for him. "Yeah, things are just gonna be different without him, you know? Suppose we'll all get used to it eventually. Doesn't mean you're gonna forget about him."
"I know." Chris answered softly. "G'night."
"Good night."
With that Johnny left, closing the door behind him. The only light now came from the Christmas tree, the colored lights blinking. He could see Joanne in the living room, making up the couch as she had for him so many times before.
"Are they asleep?" She asked.
"Oh yeah. Down for the count." Johnny answered casually as he opened his bag and dug through it for his own pajamas.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Joanne seemed to ask out of nowhere.
Johnny turned his head. "The tree? Yeah, we did a pretty good job on that thing."
He heard her let out a quiet sigh, and he rose to approach her, resting his hands on her shoulders. She placed one hand over his. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"Oh, for all of this." Joanne replied softly. "You've just done so much, that's all. It's been such a help."
"I'm just trying to get through this." Johnny told her. "Same as you."
Joanne turned around, wrapping her arms around Johnny and laying her head against him, and Johnny could only respond similarly, holding her close and kissing the top of her head.
He felt her take a deep breath and exhale. "You don't have to sleep on the couch if you don't want to." She told him quietly.
Johnny felt something stir in him, though he wasn't sure he should acknowledge it. "Are you sure?"
Joanne pulled back slightly to look up at him. "I'm sure."
"Okay." Johnny nodded. "Okay."
They broke apart, and Johnny picked up his bag before following Joanne into the bedroom. It was only one night. What could be the harm in that?