As the bedroom door clicked closed behind her, Joanne suddenly found herself wondering what she had been thinking, exactly. She hadn't expected Johnny to take her up on the offer to stay here with her, and she had to admit that she wasn't entirely sure what to expect.
She took off her robe and hung it up before climbing into bed, catching a glimpse of Johnny as he changed clothes. The last time he'd been here she'd been so caught up in what they were doing that she hadn't really taken a good look at him.
Not that she should be doing that now. He shouldn't be here at all. She never should have said anything. She should have just allowed herself to deal with her fit of grief and loneliness on her own.
Having Johnny here wasn't the same, not at all. There was no use pretending it was. And that's all they were doing, just pretending that everything was somehow normal, that this was somehow just another Christmas.
"Jo?" Johnny's concerned tone pulled Joanne out of her thoughts, and she looked up to see him with that expression of concern that he'd worn so often.
She sighed and sat up, resting against the headboard. "I'm sorry, Johnny."
Johnny took a seat on the bed. "For what?"
"I don't know." Joanne answered, shaking her head. "Being impulsive, I suppose."
Johnny moved closer, reaching out to tuck a piece of hair behind Joanne's ear. "Nothing has to happen if you don't want it to."
"Johnny, really." Joanne scoffed. "I'm not naïve. I know what a man expects from a woman when she invites him into her bedroom."
"This is different." Johnny pointed out. "We both know that."
He let out a short huff. "Look, if you want me back out on the couch, it's not a big deal. And if you want me here, well, then I'll be here. Whatever you want."
Joanne was once again conflicted. As much as she wanted Johnny to stay, she wasn't sure she trusted herself not to turn to him for some form of physical comfort. And Johnny was a man, after all. She couldn't expect him to stay here with her and not want something from her.
But if she were honest with herself, she didn't want to be alone tonight. And if something sparked between them again, Joanne couldn't say she would object.
There were the children to consider. Knowing their penchant for being early risers on Christmas, the likelihood that they would awaken first was high. And they would certainly wonder why Johnny wasn't out on the couch. Joanne wasn't prepared to answer the questions they would surely have.
A kiss on her forehead broke Joanne out of her thoughts, and she looked at Johnny. His expression was unreadable for a change, and she was still no closer to resolving her own conflict.
"I'll just go crash on the couch." Johnny told her. "You know, so I can wait up for Santa."
Joanne couldn't help laughing a little at that. "I suppose that would be best. I'm sorry. I feel so silly."
"Don't." Johnny replied softly, moving in closer and gathering her into his arms. "Can't be easy, this time of year."
"No, I suppose it isn't." Joanne answered, responding in kind by wrapping her own arms around him. "I've been trying so hard to make it as normal a Christmas as possible and…well, it just isn't. It's not normal."
She could feel her emotion rising again, the lump growing in her throat, tears springing to her eyes. Johnny's hand gently rubbed up and down her back, which she knew was meant to be comforting, but for some reason it wasn't helping tonight.
The emotion simply overflowed then, and Joanne found herself buried in Johnny's shoulder, everything that she'd been trying to hold back in an effort to put up a brave front coming out now.
"I know, Jo." Johnny's voice sounded equally rough and ragged. "I know."
They held on to each other for what seemed like forever, until there was nothing left, both of them finally seeming to find their sense of calm again. Joanne let out a heavy sigh. "Some Christmas."
"It's not a normal Christmas." Johnny acknowledged. "No sense acting like it is. Just gotta do our best. Maybe next year'll be better, you know?"
"It has to be." Joanne answered dryly, and Johnny let out a short chuckle.
"It will be." Johnny told her.
He pulled back, brushing a thumb under Joanne's eye. "Suppose I'll go wait for Santa."
Joanne sighed. "I might wait with you. I don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight anyway."
"Sure, yeah." Johnny nodded.
They returned to the living room, and Johnny took a seat on the couch, resting his arm along the back. Joanne took a seat beside him, curling against him as his arm curved around her. It reminded her of so many Christmases past, when she and Roy would stay up late into the night simply taking the time to relax before the chaos of Christmas morning. Those simple, intimate moments were the ones Joanne cherished the most, and if she were being honest with herself, were the ones she missed the most.
Sitting here with Johnny was hardly the same, though there was some element of comfort there, the knowledge that she wasn't alone. Maybe for now, that was enough.
She sighed softly, and Johnny kissed the top of her head. "Doing okay?"
"Doing better." She told him.
There was a long pause before Johnny spoke again. "I know this isn't the same. Still don't know if this is making things easier or harder."
"I don't think we need to decide that tonight." Joanne told him. "After all, it is Christmas."
"Suppose you're right." Johnny answered quietly.
Joanne heard a door open down the hall, and she immediately sat up as Johnny's arm slipped from around her. She could just make out Jenny standing in the hallway, and she rose from the couch to go to her.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" Joanne asked.
Jenny rubbed her eyes. "Did Santa come yet?"
Joanne laughed softly. "Not yet. We're on the lookout for him, don't worry. Why don't we get you back to bed?"
"Okay." Jenny nodded, returning to her room, Joanne right behind her.
She climbed back into bed, and Joanne pulled the covers back over her. "There, how's that?"
"Good." Jenny replied.
"Good." Joanne leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Now, you go to sleep, and it'll be morning before you know it."
Joanne rose from Jenny's bed and started toward the door when Jenny's voice stopped her. "Mom?"
"Yes?" Joanne stopped just before she got to the door.
"Are angels real?"
Joanne wasn't sure if Jenny was just stalling or if there was a real reason behind the question. "I don't know. Why do you ask?"
"I had a dream." Jenny told her. "Dad was in it, and he had wings, just like angels do."
Joanne returned to Jenny's bed and sat down. "Well, maybe angels are as real as we want them to be."
"I think Dad's an angel." Jenny told her. "Grandma said he's in heaven, and that's where angels live. And she said angels watch over us. So maybe Dad's watching over us."
"Maybe you're right." Joanne replied softly.
Jenny's expression seemed to change. "Do you think Uncle Johnny would be an angel, too?"
"Oh honey, you don't need to worry about that." Joanne quickly reassured her.
"But Mom, if Dad died, Uncle Johnny could too, right?" Jenny asked in a worried tone.
Joanne didn't know how to answer that. She leaned down and kissed Jenny's forehead. "That's not going to happen tonight. Why don't you go back to sleep? Morning will be here before you know it."
Jenny still looked worried, but nodded, shifting slightly and closing her eyes. Joanne left the room and closed the door behind her. It never failed to surprise her, the way the minds of children worked.
When she returned to the living room, she found Johnny stretched out along the length of the couch, one arm thrown over his eyes. Joanne moved to place the blanket over him, and he stirred as she was doing so.
"Tucking me in?" He murmured, the slightest smile gracing his face.
"I thought you were asleep." Joanne answered, sitting on the edge of the couch.
"I was." Johnny replied, reaching for her hand. "Everything okay with Jenny?"
Joanne sighed. "She gets some very strange ideas. Roy's now an angel and I suppose you will be, too."
Johnny looked briefly confused. "Good to know, I guess. Don't tell her otherwise, huh?"
"What do you mean?"
"C'mon, Jo." He scoffed. "You know better. I'm no angel."
"I don't recall expecting you to be one." Joanne countered.
His expression turned thoughtful as his thumb brushed along the back of her hand. "You should get some sleep. Those little angels of yours will be up and awake before you know it."
"You should, too." Joanne replied, leaning down to kiss Johnny's forehead.
Johnny's hand moved to the back of her neck, his thumb stroking lightly, and he studied her for a long moment before pulling her in and briefly kissing her.
"Johnny, I—" Joanne started.
"I know." Johnny almost immediately cut her off.
There wasn't much that needed to be said, really. They both knew what they were doing here. After all, they were both adults, and though they had again agreed to remain friends, Joanne couldn't help the pull she felt toward Johnny.
Would it be so bad to just give in, to allow themselves to provide that comfort to each other? It was only one night, after all.
Joanne leaned down and briefly kissed Johnny, and it wasn't long before Johnny responded, his hands finding their way to her back, sliding upward, his fingers spreading out.
The move only increased Joanne's desire, and she moved so that she was straddling Johnny, pressing her body against his, her hands sliding under his shoulders.
Johnny let out a rough sigh, his hands sliding downward and tugging at the material of her nightgown until they found their way underneath, rough and warm against her skin. It occurred to her that perhaps this wasn't the best place to continue whatever was clearly about to happen between them.
She pulled back, and he regarded her with a questioning look. "Jo, if you don't want this—"
"I do." Joanne replied.
"Are you sure?"
Joanne kissed him lightly. "As sure as I can be."
Realization seemed to dawn on Johnny. "But not here."
"Right." Joanne answered with a slight laugh.
Johnny looked thoughtful, even as his fingers traced along her back. "Suppose we'd better take this elsewhere, then."
Joanne climbed off of Johnny, and Johnny rose from the couch to follow. As the bedroom door closed behind them, Joanne couldn't help questioning herself once again.
It was all so strange, having Johnny here in the room that she and Roy used to share. It was even stranger to feel such a strong desire for Johnny, to feel so drawn to him.
Johnny pulled her in close, picking up where he had left off in the living room, kissing her hard, letting it linger and deepen while tugging at the material of her nightgown until his hands were once again running up her back, his fingers spreading out. She allowed him to guide her toward the bed, breaking away just long enough to pull her nightgown over her head and toss it aside.
His hands were everywhere now, and Joanne let out a little gasp with each touch. Soon Johnny guided her to the bed, breaking away and starting a line of kisses down her neck to her collarbone, his tongue darting out with each one. She arched into his mouth and his hands, reveling in each sensation as she pulled at his t-shirt until she could get her hands underneath.
"Ah damn, Jo." He murmured roughly as Joanne pushed his shirt up his body and over his head and tossed it to the floor beside the bed. It didn't take long for them to rid themselves of their remaining clothing, and the sensation of skin against skin was almost more than Joanne could stand.
Suddenly Johnny's hand slid between her legs, and Joanne let out a sharp breath as his fingers found the nub of flesh and started stroking, lightly at first before briefly plunging inside her.
"Oh." Joanne could barely get a word out, arching upward into his touch while his mouth left kisses all over her. It took her a moment to realize he was moving downward, his mouth replacing his fingers, his tongue working at that same nub of flesh.
Joanne closed her eyes, losing herself in the sensation, running her fingers through his hair. The sensation built slowly, almost as if he were teasing her, bringing her closer and closer to that edge until she couldn't hold back any longer, letting the wave of pleasure wash over her before finally relaxing with a sigh.
She realized that she had gotten a good hold of Johnny's hair, and she quickly let go, smoothing it down. "Sorry about that."
"For what?" Johnny murmured as he started to work his way back up her body, seeming to touch every part of her with hands and mouth.
Every touch and kiss seemed to set off little sparks throughout her body, and Joanne was having a little trouble answering him. "Your hair." She finally managed to tell him.
"Didn't notice." He answered quietly. "Was a little busy at the time."
"I suppose you were." Joanne couldn't help the brief laugh that escaped her as Johnny tucked in alongside her, draping his arm across her.
She shifted so that she was facing him, snuggling into his chest and letting her hand smooth over his back. Johnny let out a sound something like a hum at the move, somehow managing to pull her even closer, his hardened flesh pressing against her.
She pushed him to his back and straddled him, suddenly emboldened. Johnny responded with a surprised noise, but otherwise didn't seem to object, resting his hands on her hips. "You sure about this?"
"Yes." Joanne answered with what she hoped was a confident tone.
Johnny shifted just enough so that he was inside her, his hands spreading out over her hips as he drove deep into her, the sensation once again building and building.
He suddenly dug his fingertips into her hips, jerking upward with a rough noise before relaxing, releasing his hold on her, his fingers splaying out over her lower back as he guided her down to lay on his chest.
"Damn." He murmured roughly, his hand running up and down her back. "Damn."
Joanne couldn't help wondering if Johnny somehow regretted what had just transpired between them. Maybe she felt a twinge of regret herself. Maybe she should have just left well enough alone instead of allowing herself to act on impulse once again.
She felt a kiss land on top of her head, felt a hand come to rest at the small of her back. "You okay?"
Joanne lifted her head. "Yes, of course. Are you?"
"Sure, yeah." Johnny sounded a little baffled. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know." Joanne replied. "We did get a bit carried away. Again."
Johnny reached up to tuck a bit of Joanne's hair behind her ear. "I don't regret it."
Joanne breathed out a soft sigh of relief. "I don't think I do either. Not right now."
"Right." Johnny replied quietly. "But hey, let's not worry about that right now, okay? I mean, it's Christmas."
He shifted slightly. "I do need to get up for a minute."
"Oh, of course." Joanne felt a little silly, moving off of him to lay down on the bed while Johnny sat up and turned on the bedside light.
She watched him as he pulled on his pajama pants, somewhat surprised at the obvious strength in his back and arms. It made sense, of course, that he would, given the nature of his work, but his slim build always made him seem as if he was all skin and bones.
Obviously, that wasn't the case.
Johnny smiled slightly as he looked over his shoulder at her. "I'll be right back."
He left the bedroom, quietly closing the door behind him, and Joanne got up to find her own nightgown, pulling it back on before climbing back into bed and pulling the covers over herself. If Johnny wanted to stay in here with her, she supposed she didn't object to the idea, even if it meant having to explain things to the children in the morning.
She had a sudden fit of doubt at the thought. How would she explain why Johnny was here with her, rather than out on the couch?
Johnny soon returned, entering as quietly as he had entered. He looked as if he had his own doubts. "You think I should spend the rest of the night out on the couch?"
Joanne sighed. "I know you should. It would be hard to explain to the children otherwise."
Johnny continued to move toward the bed. "But you don't want me to."
"What I want doesn't matter." Joanne told him, the guilty feeling taking over again.
"'Course it matters, Jo." Johnny argued.
"No, I shouldn't be so…selfish." Joanne responded. "I have to think about the children."
Johnny let out a huff. "Seems like we're right back where we started."
Joanne was oddly stung by Johnny's tone, but she had to admit he had a point. Perhaps she was making this harder for them than it needed to be.
"I'm gonna head back out to the couch." Johnny told her.
"Johnny, wait." Joanne stopped him. "You're right, this is silly. Please stay."
Johnny managed a slight smile. "Even if it's selfish?"
Joanne sighed at that. "Yes. Maybe it's okay for me to be a little selfish."
Johnny shrugged. "I'll probably be up before the kids, anyway. I'll try to be, anyway."
"Please don't worry about it." Joanne responded. "If I have to explain things, I will,"
Johnny seemed to consider that for a long moment before nodding and climbing into the bed before turning out the light.
Almost as soon as he did so, he pulled her in close, kissing the top of her head. Joanne felt the rise and fall of his chest as he slowly fell asleep, and she found herself oddly comforted by the steady rhythm.
It had been far from a normal Christmas so far. She only hoped it would be one neither one of them would come to regret.