Many times, during the walk to camp, I questioned my own decision. Even now that we are close, I am wondering if I am not making a colossal mistake.
What if I hurt her even more?
I misunderstood her once, it can happen again. And I am more capable of breaking than mending. The number of my victims is quite proof of it. How many did I save, instead? On my own volition, and by myself? I did not break the staff, I did not kill those 7000 souls all over again, but to be honest my own thoughts at the moment kept me from it. Not compassion, not a conscious choice.
Besides, I am more than able to choose the wrong words.
Do I even know what to tell her? I have no plan. I have no idea.
So, I stop walking.
As soon as Shadowheart does not hear my steps on the forest's leaves anymore, she turns to face me.
"What is it?" she asks, softly.
Her voice is gentle, brimming with understanding.
"This is not... right. I'm used to bring death, not salvation. I always did. Why should this be any different? Any wrong turn of words can cause a disaster. I don't..." I admit "trust myself with..."
Sighing, the cleric walks towards me and is soon by my side.
"Just tell her the truth. Tell her what was going on in your mind when you left. Be honest" she tells me. "It worked before, didn't it?"
"It did. But Kelsya wasn't in such a dark place and-"
… and for a moment, even then, the night I confessed how I had treated her like a pawn, a shield against Cazador, she was close to ending everything between them. He saw the pain in her eyes. He is sure of that. And her warm embrace made him forget about that fear. Until now.
"Fine. You're right. It's true," Shadowheart admits, in a whisper, "but we have no choice. At least, not any other is in my sight right now. It is worth a try, Astarion. Try to gap the bridge, mend what you... both shattered."
I open my mouth to respond, seeking one last way out.
But I don't have the chance to. Both I and Shadowheart turn towards a sound in the distance. Steps. Far, but not enough to not be a cause of concern.
Following my instinct and a habit of centuries, I grab her wrist and kneel behind the closest cover, which happens to be a bush.
Perhaps someone would try and ambush the whole camp. Surely, danger's right around the corner.
In a way, danger does emerge from the forest. I was not ready for it to be the Archduke. And even less, to see him side by side with Kelsya.
Beside me, Shadowheart gasps. She is as amazed as me, I can tell.
This reminds me of how in tune we were during tense times, the cleric and I. There is no need to tell her to keep hidden and listen undetected.
Kelsya has her back to us, so I can't see her facial expression. The soft moonlight though radiates on her shoulders and her raven, loosely tied hair. She's standing, quietly it seems. She doesn't tremble like she did the day I left. I always liked her lithe back. She's not an athlete, but she has a way of carrying herself, gracious and dignified. And now, the one close to her is not him.
"Thank you... for accompanying me", she is saying in a whisper. "These days, I never know when I'll be myself and when... well, not."
There is something in the Archduke's face that irks me. Perhaps it is his quieteness. He is there, by her side, and somehow he looks like he is where he thinks he should be. Suddenly, I realize I'm clenching my fists.
"It was my pleasure. Really. However," he sighs, with a certain regret "I should get back now. I'm not exactly welcome amongst your companions. Oh, I understand" he adds. "Whenever have I been part of your social circle, after all?" He flashes her a quick smile.
As Kelsya and Gortash are now standing in silence, Shadowheart gives him a nudge. "She shouldn't even be out there alone. I don't understand. And I don't trust him. I say we stay here, quiet as two mouses, until the pompous asshole leaves", she whispers to me.
I, however, am unable to look away from the couple. The more I stare, the more I feel in the wrong place. The more I do, the more I feel wrong. "She is not alone now" I whisper back. Not alone, without me. I sense a weird void inside myself. I have been alone for so long, and yet I never felt so strongly my own loneliness.
"I-I can not disagree," Kelsya is saying as she lowers her head.
Gortash's hand moves for a moment, his index finger so close to her chin. Before actually touching her though, he moves back, his arm is at his own side once again. "It's no problem. I insist. But, before I leave..." He pauses, briefly, his gaze on her face. "I'm sure that, somewhere deep in you there's still the woman I knew. Someone able to stand tall, a stranger to sadness. I don't know what happened to you. But... I am sure you can be that extraordinary woman once again."
Cazador is dead and gone. Is he? He still lives in my mind. I can hear him, laughing at me. I can see him as he tells me that I have forsaken the only family I ever had. His family. Whoever could accept me, welcome me? I don't belong here. And I don't want to be here. As soon as the thought hits me, I am already turning away. I don't want to be here and witness what she'll answer. Damn it all, and damn that toff who has such a way with words. Damn her, if he believes anything he says at all. And damn me, so little, so imperfect.
A rustling sound startles me, and Kelsya and Gortash as well. Looking down at my arm, I see Shadowheart's hand around it. She's staring at me, alarmed. Under my boot, lies some wood sticks and some leaves.
"Who is it?" Kelsya calls, looking around.
Once again, I hide with Shadowheart. She's close, she could notice us any moment. Notice me.
And just as I fear we're about to get caught, Karlach emerges from the woods. "Oy, soldier! We were concerned! Where..." she begins. As soon as the tiefling sees Gortash, her eyes narrow. And she almost growls. "What is the fucker doing here? Is he hurting you? He has no guards around now, he won't get away with it!"
It all happens in a matter of seconds. Just as Karlach launches towards the Archduke, Kelsya quickly gets between them, standing her ground with a fierce stance. "You will not touch him", she states. There's something feral in her gaze as she stares at the tiefling barbarian.