When my daughter was in her coma, this is what happened. The pain of watching your children suffering is something indescribable. There are no words that mean enough to comfort you spouse and babies, especially when the doctor can't give you the answers you're seeking or need to hear to get through it.
"Shelby," one of the ICU nurses said softy to the mother in hopes of not startling her. Shelby's head was resting on Rachel's bed, her hands secured around one of her daughters the way they had been all night long. The nurse didn't know if the mother was sleeping or just resting, always assuming parents were sleeping when they could while in the ICU with their children.
Shelby picked her head up making eye contact with the woman, not letting go of her daughter. She really liked this nurse, the woman reminding Shelby a lot of her mother, not to mention, she was one of the only staff members who respected her wish and called her Shelby instead of Mrs. Corcoran.
"Can I assume your daughter will be coming in with your husband this morning?"
"Yes, my in-laws will be coming as well and I think my brother too, why?"
"Dr. Stratton does his rounds at 9am. I understand the need to rest when you can, especially when you have more than one child, but I assumed you'd want your husband here when the doctor arrives and your daughter to be elsewhere."
Shelby was very thankful for nurse Maeve, she has worked in the children's ICU for twenty years now, clearly seeing it all and having a deep understanding of what the families need. Maeve was right, Shelby didn't want Santana there when they spoke with the doctor, the parents were trying to protect her as much as they could by only sharing so much with her—if Santana was there with the doctor, all hell would break lose as she spiraled with questions.
"I'll let my husband know, thank you."
"Absolutely. Can I get you some coffee?"
"I'd love that."
When Emma came to the hospital yesterday, she was kind enough to bring Shelby's purse from school so the mother would have her cell phone and anything else she needed that was in there. The parents could have easily gone back and forth using Will and Santana's phones but were thankful the guidance counselor had thought of what they didn't. She also brought the twins backpacks that had been picked up from their math classroom by Sam and handed off to Emma as well.
Shelby sent Will a text message to 'call him back' not knowing if he was awake yet because of the incredibly rough night Santana had. She didn't wake up until Will carried her into the house and when Santana realized where they were, she completely lost it. It took Will and the grandparents almost three hours to get her calmed down, eventually falling asleep against her father around 2:30am. Shelby was surprised when Will called her back right away because it was only 7am—he immediately asked how Rachel was, wanting to make sure things didn't take a turn for the worst through the night, even though realistically he knew his wife would have called him if it did. They spoke for a while and then Will let his wife know he'd be there to meet with the doctor and made sure Santana stayed downstairs.
"We are continuing to run some tests on your daughter to see if we can figure out what caused her to start seizing in the first place. When she arrived yesterday, we believed your daughter to be in a postictal state or an 'altered state of consciousness' that can last between 5-30 minutes, sometimes longer. When patients experience this, it makes it difficult to determine when a seizure has started and ended which led us to a CT scan where we found the seizing continuing in her brain even though her body was no longer shaking. When a seizure lasts more than 5 minutes or two or more seizures happen within a 5-minute period without consciousness being regained, it's called status epilepticus or an SE—when a patient is in status epilepticus, it is considered a neurological emergency, something that can result in death if not treated immediately. Your daughter is alive right now because the emergency room doctors got me in time and put her into the medically induced coma."
Dr. Stratton let that sink in then continued. "I've reviewed her chart which includes the testing from back in January, yesterday before she was admitted and through the night. I'd like to continue giving her brain time to heal itself from the trauma caused by her seizures because she's otherwise healthy. Children heal much faster than adults and I'm confident the additional rest can only help."
"Why did this happen to begin with?"
"I don't know yet and to be honest with you, I'm not sure we will ever find out. We started your daughter on anti-seizure medications yesterday in hopes of pre-treating the possibility of epilepsy. I can't be certain she has it which is why I've ordered an EEG for later today to see if something stands out as a problem area or not. It's possible this is a delayed reaction to the initial trauma she experienced back in January."
"I don't understand," Shelby cried. Logically she understood, emotionally she was struggling. Will on the other hand was very confused. Everyone believed the doctor when he assured them it was a one-time freak incident, Shelby had prepared herself for the possibility it wasn't. She never used to be so pessimistic, and she truly wasn't, Shelby just knew what it was like to have something so perfect ripped from her and knew anything could happen whether good or bad.
"I have a theory however, I'm still waiting for the test results today to prove it. Let me ask you this in the meantime, has your daughter been excessively stressed or anxious lately? And I don't mean everyday stressors like doing homework or chores—has she had difficulty sleeping, nightmares, trouble eating?"
Will wrapped his arms around Shelby who nodded as her tears spilled. "My first husband, Rachel's biological father, died tragically when my twins were 6 months old—the anniversary of his death is on September 24th. They recently found out, and last year was the first time my twins visited his gravesite in New York. We were planning on going again this year, next week actually. For the last three years Rachel and her twin sister have had awful night terrors which have caused difficulty sleeping, anxiety and stress. Rachel has always been my smaller twin, never going for seconds like her sister…I'd say her eating has been about the same."
"Maybe a bit less than normal," Will added. He was a big breakfast guy and noticed the twins hadn't been eating as much in the mornings recently.
Shelby and Will watched the endless notes Dr. Stratton was taking as she spoke not knowing if it was a good or bad sign. Shelby had done a lot of research on seizures back in January when she was home with Rachel and knew stress could lead to epileptics having more attacks, her daughter wasn't an epileptic though, or so she thought.
"Where are we going, daddy?"
"On a daddy-daughter date, peanut. It's a surprise!"
"Please daddy, I wanna know!"
"We're almost here, Rach. You're going to love it!"
Juan unbuckled Rachel from her booster seat and carried her through the parking lot, always fearing the fact his girls loved to run everywhere. He didn't want anything to happen to them, so he'd carry them. Juan smiled as Rachel laid her head on his shoulder, her body still shaking in excitement being out with him to do something super fun.
"Daddy?"
"Si, nina?"
"Do you think Tana is gonna have fun too?"
"Of course, she will babe. Tana's with mommy."
They smiled at one another, Rachel because she knew how fun her mommy was, Juan because every time he takes one of the twins out, they ask about the other. He praises Shelby all the time seeing as he works four days a week, always taking Wednesday's off to be with his girls, knowing the twins loved each other so much because of Shelby. She disagrees every time saying it's because of them both—Shelby loves to believe it's because the twins are surrounded by people who love and respect each other more than anything. Obviously, she and Juan, all their grandparents, aunts and uncles, and family friends.
"Look where we are, peanut," Juan said with a smile and Rachel turned her little head around. They were at the Children's Museum of Manhattan, a place the whole family enjoys. Juan had taken the girls here individually a few times, often coming as a family as well because it was fun for everyone. Juan laughed when Rachel started squirming, kicking her little legs so he'd put her down, she was so excited.
"Oh my gosh," Quinn and Puck said seeing their friend for the first time.
Yesterday was only for family while appreciating that fact the girl's friends were here into the late hours of the night. Today at school was awful without the twins and the fact everyone was talking about what happened. This time most were genuinely concerned instead of starting shit they knew nothing about. Will and Shelby thought having Quinn and Puck here in Rachel's room for a few hours could only help Santana; they knew the kids would be upset seeing Rachel, they were upset yesterday too without seeing her.
"When is she going to wake up?"
"Hopefully tomorrow afternoon, Quinn," Will responded.
"Hopefully?"
"It depends on how long it takes the medicine to wear off, babe."
Quinn and Puck took the news as well as Santana did: poorly. They didn't really get how everything worked even after Will and Shelby explained it because something like this has never happened before. Quinn took some time to tape the pictures Brittany had drawn onto the walls so when her friend did wake up, she'd be able to see something 'pretty and happy'.
"Can she hear us?" Puck questioned.
"She can," Will answered, also wanting to believe it was true. He was trying to stay strong for his wife and daughter, thankful his in-laws were taking care of Beth because the father knew there was no way he could have taken care of them both last night. If he was being honest with himself, he was freaking out as much as Shelby and Santana were but knew his wife was thankful he was acting strong for her.
"Mama, can you sing to me and Rachie?" Santana asked later that night with a yawn. She was absolutely exhausted but didn't want to leave her sister. She'd never been away from Rachel before and felt sick thinking about doing it again; Shelby and Will had told her even when Rachel woke up, she wouldn't be able to come right home, Santana didn't want to believe it though.
…If you're out on the road, feeling lonely and so cold.
All you have to do is call my name and I'll be there on the next train
Where you lead, I will follow anywhere, that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you I will follow, where you lead.
Santana couldn't stop her tears from flowing as her mom sang a song she has since the girls were little. After Juan died and before she met Will, Shelby would always promise the twins she'd be there no matter what, forever. When they were old enough to understand the song, Shelby explained even when they were off to college, married, and had their own children one day she'd always be a phone call away and come running when/if they needed her. Santana couldn't help but picture her mom and sister joining her dad in heaven, forcing her mom to stop singing.
"You can't leave me too, mama."
Will and Shelby didn't understand until Santana continued causing Shelby to rock her back and forth, "Shh, shh, shh. We aren't leaving you, baby."
"Promise?"
Against her better judgement, Shelby promised. Dr. Stratton had warned the parents of all the possibilities for their daughter's condition. Once they weaned her out of the coma it's possible she'll have neurological damage, her motor skills may be lacking, it's possible she'll have to learn how to talk and walk again, she may start seizing again, or not wake up at all—he obviously hoped just like the parents that Rachel would wake up and be okay, leaving the hospital with some medication that keeps her from seizing again, but as a neurologist he knew that wasn't always the case. After the tests today, Dr. Stratton still didn't know why Rachel seized in the first place, meaning it was harder to figure out what would happen when she woke up.
"Can I please stay with you?"
"I'm sorry, babe. Children aren't allowed to stay overnight in the ICU." Shelby saw Santana turn back to look at Rachel and she retracted her statement. "Children who aren't patients. Hey, can you do mommy a favor?" she asked, gently cupping Santana's cheek so she'd look at herself instead of Rachel.
"Daddy is taking care of Beth for the first time by himself tonight, can you help him?" Shelby whispered. She was obviously joking, confident her husband would be fine especially with Maria and Carlos in the house, Shelby thought it would make her daughter laugh though.
"You're letting him?" she said with a laugh.
Will winked at his wife hearing Santana giggle and Shelby nodded. "You're probably going to need to help him find everything. And make sure he picks out a matching outfit."
Santana's laugh was now echoing through the room which made the parents smile. The outfit comment was spot on because the last time Shelby returned home with the girls having left Beth with Will, the baby was wearing a yellow floral shirt, purple leggings, one blue sock and one green sock. The twins couldn't stop laughing at their dad who explained why the baby was dressed like a clown, bringing her upstairs to put on something 'stylish' so their sister wouldn't get a complex.
"I'll miss you tonight, Rachie. I love you sissy."
"I missed you, Rachie!" Santana screamed, running up to her sister the minute she and their dad walked in the door.
"Tana!" Juan and Shelby smiled seeing their girls hugging each other, they were so close. Shelby wrapped her arms around her husband and gave him a kiss, "How was your day, honey?"
"So incredible."
"You say that every time, Juan," Shelby laughed.
"Because it's the truth, hermosa."
"Look what me and daddy getted you," Rachel said, pulling the same toy she got out of the bag for her sister.
"Wow, thanks Rachie! I love it."
"We're going to need to move into a bigger house if you keep buying them toys."
"Then I guess we're moving, beautiful. I can't help myself."
Later that night, Juan continued the story he'd been telling the girls for weeks now. "One day mommy walked all the way from our house to daddy's work, in the rain, to tell me the most exciting news. She told me I was going to be your daddy and jumped into my arms the way you two do every time I come home from work."
"Did mommy getted you all wet?" the twins giggled.
"Oh my goodness, did she ever!" Juan said with a laugh. "I didn't care though because I was too excited. And when mommy told me, we didn't know there was two of you in her belly until we went to the doctor's office."
"Like your office, daddy?"
"Just like my office. Do you know what happened when we were there?" he asked, and the twins shook their heads no.
"The doctor told us there were two babies in mommy's belly and I almost fell over because I was so happy. Just like this…" Juan teased, pulling the girls up and gently pushing them back down onto the mountain of pillows with a laugh, the twins bursting out laughing in response. This was his version of 'rough housing' with his girls and they loved it.
"Again daddy, again!"
"We're going to start weaning her off the medication now. Like we spoke about this morning, the process could take hours, it could take days. I'd like to keep her intubated for the time being to be safe because it's better to keep it in rather than taking it out and needing to put it back in. In the next few hours you may see your daughter opening her eyes and fighting the tube, if that happens do everything you can to keep her calm and we will remove it."
"Will she be in pain?" Shelby asked.
"It's possible, yes. Once we can evaluate where her motor skills and level of clarity are, pain medication can be administered if necessary. If you don't have any more questions, I need to be getting to my next surgery."
"What happens if she doesn't wake up?"
"We're not there yet, Mrs. Corcoran. Let's take things one step at a time."
"Thank you, Dr. Stratton," Will said.
Shelby walked back into Rachel's room and gently sat on the bed with her, "You listen to me Rachel Barbra, I'm right here with you and will be every step of the way. Don't you dare give up; we all need you baby girl. Mommy loves you so much."
"She's going to be okay, Shell."
"I need to take a walk," she announced, wiping her tears as she left the room. Living in the hospital for the last few days was messing with her. Rachel hadn't woken up, Santana was crying constantly, rightfully so, family members were in and out all day talking to Rachel, and she was trying to spend some time with Beth who wasn't allowed in the ICU.
"Hi honey, it's daddy. Everyone is here for you, all your family and friends…they've only gone home to sleep. You're so loved. Keep fighting for all of us, especially your mommy. You're so strong, I just know you can get through this. I love you, Rach."
Rachel stretched her body and opened her eyes not recognizing where she was. When she fell asleep the night before, she was 6 years old and in her twin bed across from Santana's, pastel rainbow painted on the wall behind them to 'keep them connected as they sleep' while listening to her dad tell them a story. Now she was double the size and in a queen bed that was in a completely different room, the perfect shade of grayish blue coating the walls with clouds painted on the ceiling. Two of the walls were covered with fairy lights, pictures covering them with tiny clothes pins holding them in place, and she heard someone speaking to her through the door.
"Come on, Rach breakfast is ready. I'm taking you and Santana to school today because mom had to go in early for a meeting."
The voice seemed so familiar, but she couldn't place the face it belonged to. The door opened and Rachel squinted to try and make out who it was, his face one she knows she's seen before. "Rach, honey? Are you not feeling well?" the man walked up to the bed putting a hand on her forehead and continued, "You don't have a fever. Does your tummy hurt?"
"Really dad? Tummy…" Santana said from the doorway with a baby in her arms.
Rachel's eyes went wide, and she shot up in the bed to get a better look, "Oh my gosh, you had a baby?"
"What, no!" Santana exclaimed, looking from Beth to Rachel. "Mom had a baby. What the heck is wrong with you today? You're always ready before I am. Dad, maybe you should get the ear thermometer thingy because clearly Rach isn't feeling so hot."
"That's a good idea. Do you know where your mom put it, Santana?"
Rachel watched the man her sister called dad leave after taking her baby sister from Santana…a baby sister she didn't remember having and started looking around the room in search of some answers. There were at least a hundred pictures on her walls with people she could only assume were her friends, a bunch with Santana and the blonde baby, and a lot with the man and her mom. Rachel could barely find any of her dad though which didn't make sense to her. Every night Juan told Rachel and Santana a bedtime story then took a picture of the three of them together so he could 'remember every day of your lives when I get old and forgetful'. There should have been pictures of him everywhere, but there weren't.
"What are you looking for, honey?" the man asked when he came back into her room.
"Nothing. Umm, I actually feel fine. Can we go see my mom now?"
Will gave Rachel a confused look because she was acting so strangely and said 'my mom' as if he'd never met Shelby, ultimately nodding. "I'll let you get dressed then we can go."
On her way downstairs, Rachel saw more pictures of a happy family covering the walls, she didn't understand or remember taking any of them though. Where did her dad go, and when did her mom get remarried and have another baby? When they piled in the car to head to school a song came on causing Santana and the man to get overly excited, the volume of their voices causing Rachel to wince because she had a terrible headache.
'Yo, VIP, let's kick it' Will said, singing the first line of the song.
'Ice, ice baby. Ice, ice baby.' Santana continued.
'Alright, stop, collaborate and listen…' their dance moves in sync and the tiny brunette didn't know what the heck was going on watching them.
Rachel was listening from the backseat as memories started flooding her mind. She rubbed her temples, eyes now closed, watching a slideshow play through the years of her life. Pictures of Shelby and the twins, little snippets of conversations here and there over the years—'I want to introduce you girls to someone special; his name is Will. Will, these are my girls Santana and Rachel', 'Are you donna live wif me' 3-year-old Rachel asked, 'Are you me daddy' Santana questioned, 'Yay, cake', 'Yes, there will be cake, then daddy will live with us forever', 'we on a hoMeymoon', 'no silly, mommy and daddy are on our hoNeymoon, you two are crashing', 'beautiful flowers for my beautiful girls', 'have the most fun at the daddy-daughter dance babies'. Rachel gasped when she felt a hand on her leg, looking to her left to see Juan sitting next to her as Santana and the man continued to sing, clearly, they were either not fazed by Juan or couldn't see him.
"Your memories are coming back to you, aren't they?" Rachel nodded and Juan continued. "You have such an incredible life here on earth, nina. Look at this one next to you, she's adorable with her blonde curls and can't wait for you to teach her everything you know as she grows up. And that man in the front seat loves you, your sisters and your mother so much. He's been there and celebrated everything I wasn't able to, doing a damn good job to honor me every step of the way."
"What do you mean, daddy?" Rachel asked, unaware as to how they were no longer in the car without actually getting out. They were now sitting on a set of swings in a park by the water, surrounded by a sky full of stars.
"I'm not really here, mija. Your subconscious called me into your dreams to be with you and help guide you back to your mother, father, sisters, family and friends.
"Why aren't you there too? Where did I go? What are you guiding me through? W—"
"One thing at a time, angel." Juan said, steadying his daughter's swing and cupping her cheek so brown eyes bore into brown. "You know in your heart why I'm no longer with you, hija."
Rachel shook her head back and forth, tears streaming down her face. "No daddy, no, no no. I need you, please don't disappear again."
"I will always be with you, Rachel." Juan took her hand and guided it to her heart, "I'm right here: forever."
"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Will, open your eyes," Shelby said, Santana asleep with her head in his lap as he rested his eyes as well. Last night was incredibly rough for Santana again because trying to sleep without her sister being home with her was nearly impossible, not to mention Beth still wakes up a few times a night to eat.
"Rach, baby, can you hear mommy?" Rachel's eyes were watering as if she was crying, however, she didn't open her eyes or squeeze Shelby's hand when the mother asked her to. Dr. Stratton didn't mention tears on his list of what could happen, but nurse Maeve said it was common. She did a quick examination and said it was just that, involuntary tears.
Shelby ran her hands over her face and took a few centering breaths, straightening out her shoulders that were killing her from sitting in these damn hospital chairs. She was used to not getting a ton of sleep; it started when the twins were born and ever since, she's been a very light sleeper—she also has a baby at home which meant less sleep, but this sleep deprivation was completely different than anything she had ever experienced.
Will knew his wife hadn't slept more than a few hours the last two nights and wondered if Shelby would ever sleep again at this rate. He hadn't slept well either, understanding the excessive worrying because he too was worried about Rachel, Santana and Shelby. The feisty brunette's night terrors were worse, she didn't like his singing as much as Shelby's when super upset in the middle of the night, and she continued to hyperventilate from all the tears almost all day. Santana didn't know how to function without her twin.
"I thought I was fine though…why did I have another seizure?"
"I don't have that answer for you, nina."
"And I'm in a coma?" Rachel asked, looking down at her body, feeling even more confused. Juan nodded; he had carefully explained what happened to her and watched his daughter slowly working her way through it.
"The doctors have stopped giving you the medication keeping you sedated, it's up to you now to go back and live the rest of your life. All you need to do is open your eyes."
"But you won't be there if I open my eyes."
"I know, mija. You were able to bring me through your life these last few days, giving me the chance to share all the incredible memories you've made with mommy, Santana and your father over the years though. I will forever be grateful to him for helping mommy raise you and your sister to be the wonderfully amazing young women you are today."
"I don't want you to leave, daddy. It hurts too much not having you in my life."
"I'm just a dream away, my love. Make sure you tell mommy and Santana how much I love them and give them one of your life changing hugs and kisses from me."
"I love you, daddy," Rachel said, her arms wrapped around Juan as tightly as she could as tears streamed down her face.
"I love you too, nina. More than all the stars besides one, forever."
When the wind blew, causing a shiver to run though Rachel's body, she realized she was now alone and in the dark; she lowered her arms and wrapped them around herself, no longer hugging her father because he wasn't there anymore. Rachel looked up as her tears continued, staring at the stars as she took three deep breaths—Shelby has given the girls that advice since they were four years old and screaming bloody murder because they didn't want to go to kindergarten without her, 'you can do anything you set your mind to, all you need to do is take three deep breaths, and go.'
Rachel took three deep breaths and her eyes started fluttering open, quickly squinting when she saw the harsh lights. Shelby gasped and quickly got up to turn them off right away, pushing the call button to get one of the nurses as she took her daughter's hand into her own. It was a little past 3am and she had yet to go to sleep yet, willing Rachel to open her eyes and tell her she wanted to go home.
Will had taken Santana home around 11:30pm, much later than the last two nights because Santana wanted to be there when her sister woke up. When Shelby and Will realized it most likely wouldn't happen before morning, they asked Dr. Stratton to tell Santana, 'If she hasn't woken up by now, it won't be until tomorrow' so their daughter could get some much-needed rest.
"Mommy's here, baby. I'm right here with you. I turned the lights off so they wouldn't hurt your eyes, can you try and open them again for me?" Shelby gently stroked her head and cupped her cheek while saying, "Squeeze mommy's hand if you can hear me, baby."
Rachel had to first figure out how to make her hand work, which caused her mother to ask the question again because it took longer than she expected it to. She could hear her mom crying and felt bad knowing it was her fault, she didn't mean to. Rachel tried to open her eyes again in hopes it would make her mom stop crying, this time shutting them because it didn't hurt so much when they were closed.
"Are you in pain, baby? Squeeze my hand twice if any part of you hurts."
Two of the nurses were in the room with them now and Maeve told Shelby that Dr. Stratton was on his way in seeing as he was the one on call tonight. "He ordered a single dose of pain medication that I'll give her now, once he does a brief examination he will order more."
Shelby nodded at her and then focused back on Rachel. "Nurse Maeve is going to get you some medicine now, baby girl." Shelby said, gently running her hand over her daughter's forehead and through the hair she had put into two braids the first night with Maeve's help. She and Santana had been so worried her high pony would be incredibly uncomfortable against the pillow and made sure to fix it the first opportunity she could.
"Mommy's here baby, and I love you so much."