A/N: Umm... Simone was AMAZINGGGGG!
And I'm inspired... I'm saying nothing more.
After a lie-in on Sunday morning, JJ and Will had left Columbus around 11 for the quick drive back to Pittsburgh. Arriving home in the early afternoon, they enjoyed a lazy day at home after a busy weekend, taking advantage of the opportunity to spend some quality time together before their busy weekday routine began again on Monday. An early dinner had given them enough of a boost in energy to manage sex on the couch, before a hot shower and falling into bed together all before 9pm.
Monday morning dawned bright and early with a dive straight back into routine. By 7am, JJ was back in the gym, conditioning and working towards the upcoming Nationals with a renewed focus. While she was still at odds on her overall decision in her mind, she had decided that in the gym, that was her time to focus on and enjoy her skills. After all, the decision would eventually find its way to her.
A quick trip back home for a shower after practice was followed by a Starbucks run on her way to therapy. Frappuccino in hand, she was all smiles when she sauntered into Rachel's office at 11am.
"Morning," Rachel said with a smile as they took a seat opposite each other. "You seem chirpy today"
"I feel good today," JJ replied, taking a sip of her drink before popping it down on the table in front of her.
"Good," said Rachel, the corners of her eyes crinkling with the hint of a smile. "So how was your meet on Saturday? I saw a little bit on the TV, but I think I missed the majority of it because it was over not long after I started watching"
"It was ok. I made a few mistakes but overall I think it was a good first meet back," JJ replied, pausing for a moment before letting out a sigh. "I cried"
Rachel raised an eyebrow. "During the meet?"
"No. Afterwards, at the hotel. To Will"
"What about?"
"About whether I still want to be doing this. Whether he still wants to be doing this. Dragging him across the country for meets when we could have a normal life"
"And what did he say?"
"That all he could ever want is for me to be happy. That it's exactly what he signed up for when he decided to make a move back in 2012. That he's so proud of me and loves getting to witness all my achievements front and centre"
"So it sounds like he's perfectly ok with it," Rachel mused. "What about you though? Are you ok with it?"
JJ sighed again, biting her lip as she thought about how to respond. "I don't know… part of me hoped Will would turn around and say that he's done with it and wants me to retire… but only because I can't make sense of what I feel on my own and I hoped he would make the decision for me"
"That's a lot of responsibility to put on him without him knowing"
"I know, and I know that's not healthy," JJ admitted. "I just… I feel like I'm at such a crossroads lately and I don't know how to move forward from it. My gymnastics is… kind of like going through the motions. It doesn't have the thrill or the spark it had before. But I'm not not enjoying it, you know? It's just… yeah"
"Let's say Will did turn around and say he wanted you to retire," Rachel said. "How would you feel? Could you walk away immediately and never look back?"
The suddenness of the question seemed to hit JJ like a train, and she couldn't help but stumble for the words she needed. "I… I don't… maybe, but-"
Rachel chuckled. "It's ok, I know that's a loaded question, I wasn't expecting you to have an answer ready to go. But maybe your hesitance tells you something about which way you're leaning towards at these crossroads?"
"Maybe," JJ said softly.
"You mentioned to me quite a long time ago that gymnastics has always been safe for you. That despite everything happening in your life, you've always been able to go into the gym and work hard to become a champion, and it's been a constant for almost your entire life"
"Yeah… it's just… always been there. Through losing my sister. My dad. Everything that happened last year. The gym was there. The people were there. It's just been… a constant comfort," JJ agreed.
"Do you feel like there's a part of you that is scared of what's waiting on the other side? I mean, looking at it very objectively… you lost a sister and a parent all before you were 22. But they were both here at some point for your gymnastics journey. Bringing it all to an end maybe feels, in some way, like saying goodbye to them forever as well," Rachel said gently.
"My dad was my biggest cheerleader," JJ said in reply, nodding her head as she spoke. "He was at every meet, no matter what. If he couldn't make it to the meet, he was watching it on TV, or through some dodgy streaming website, even if it was at 2am. He… sorry"
Her voice had cracked, signalling impending tears. Rachel shook her head, simply passing the tissue box across the table. "You don't have to apologise"
"I didn't want to cry today," JJ said with a watery chuckle as she pulled a tissue from the box and dabbed under her eyes.
"Unfortunately, therapy doesn't work like that," Rachel said with a smile. "So your dad was your number one supporter?"
"Without a doubt. I mean, my whole family has supported me from the get go, no questions asked, and I can never thank them enough for everything they've ever done for me. But Dad… he just… it was like he lived and breathed my gymnastics. And not even because he was living vicariously through me, or pushing me to do it because he wanted me to succeed… he was just always so proud to watch me do what I love, and excel at it"
"Do you miss that? Or feel like there's something missing now that he's gone?"
"I mean… yeah. Of course I do"
"Does gymnastics help you feel like you're still close to him?"
JJ paused for a moment, allowing the question to wash over her fully before she answered. "I… yeah. I didn't… even really realise, but… now that you say it, yeah"
"And you know something JJ?" Rachel said gently. "That is ok"
Locking eyes with her therapist, JJ let out a breath.
"It is completely ok. You're 24 years old… and you are still healing from a very significant loss in your life. You are still living with grief every day, whether you realise it or not. Sticking with something that brings you a little bit of peace… makes it easier to get through the day… reminds you of happy memories with your dad? Not only is it completely ok, JJ, but they are all beautiful reasons to continue doing this sport if you so wish"
Rachel smiled, setting down her notepad and leaning forward, clasping her hands together as she looked at her young charge.
"At some point in your life, you will probably reach a point where physically, you are going to have to let gymnastics go. Whether that's in a month, a year, a decade, who knows? But if you are physically able, and the sport makes you happy, there's no reason you have to put a deadline now on when that is. You are wildly more successful than probably 98% of all the gymnasts that have ever come through the US program. If you can continue at the level you're at, and you enjoy it, then there's no reason you can't keep going until your heart and your body tell you it's time to step away. Because you will know when the time is right, JJ. And this may not sound very 'therapy' of me, but I'm a strong believer in intuition. I think this crossroads you feel like you're at is because you're telling yourself it's time to step away, even though your body, heart and mind are telling you that what you really want to do is keep going. Despite what you're trying to convince yourself, JJ, there is nothing wrong with wanting to keep going. Your coach is obviously willing to train you. Will is more than happy to support you. Why not throw caution to the wind and just do what makes your heart and soul happy?"
JJ stayed silent, musing over Rachel's words, a hint of a smile playing on the corners of her lips.
"You've had a lot of sadness in your life JJ. A lot. So I don't think it's selfish at all for you to put your happiness first, even if the thing that makes you happy feels crazy. The world would be a much better place if more people actively sought to put themselves and their happiness first… and that's what you're here to do"
"I'm not going to solve world peace by doing gymnastics," JJ said with a giggle. Rachel chuckled.
"No, probably not. But you might just solve that war you're waging in your own head. And you might feel a lot more at peace for it"
Letting out a gentle sigh, Rachel straightened up slightly in her chair, smiling across at JJ. "Let's look at this from another angle. This gymnastics life of yours has been a long journey. A longer one than most gymnasts get from what I can gather. I mean, how old were you when you started gymnastics?"
"I was four," JJ replied.
"Four. Coincidentally that is also when the hippocampus in your brain is developed enough to start creating consistent memories, meaning the majority of your childhood memories are probably from a time when gymnastics was already part of your life. What about how old you were when you first competed?"
"Uh," said JJ, frowning as she thought back. "Six or seven? I think. I'd have to ask my mom to know for sure. It wasn't a real competition, it was like… a little competition between all the local gyms"
"So seven years old. You must have shown promise and talent at a young age, as well as an eagerness to continue. Now, I've done a little research into how the gymnastics program works here in the States, and there's something called a Junior Olympic system, correct?"
JJ nodded.
"Do you remember at what age you started working through the levelling system?"
"Knowing how JO worked back then, I would've had to be at least six to compete at level 4, which is the first 'proper' level within the system, but I think I skipped a couple of levels and went in at level 6 when I was eight"
"Eight years old. And a decade later, you were at the Olympics winning your first Olympic gold medal"
"That sounds crazy when you put it like that," JJ said with a little laugh. "It felt like so long to get to that point, but really it's only ten years between my first JO competition and my first Olympic title"
Rachel nodded, smiling. "And now you're nearly 24. You've only lived about a quarter of an average lifespan. But you've spent almost that entire time completely devoted to this incredible sport and all the opportunities it has given you. Now you're an adult, you'ved moved out of home, you're married… there's other factors in your life that you have to consider and balance as well as the gymnastics aspect. Therefore, it's absolutely natural to reach a point where you wonder if it's worth continuing, if you want to or should continue. And sometimes, when you reach these points… it helps to look back at where it all began. To pinpoint what drove you onto this path, maybe reignite that little seed that was planted all those years ago. Obviously you've been in gymnastics pretty much your entire life and we've identified a few milestones along the way… but when did this specific journey begin? Because not every kid in gymnastics ends up on a pathway to the Olympics. At some point, you and your family made a choice that put you on a path destined for greatness. Do you remember when that might have been?"
"Um… probably just after my first couple of competitions… when I got selected for my gym's development squad, which was designed to help kids get ready for JO by the time they were age eligible"
"How clearly do you remember that decision? Did it all come from you?"
JJ paused for a moment, thinking back to the day she'd been sent home with that coveted piece of paper in her gym bag.
"Bye Kelsey! Thank you for bringing me home Mrs George!" JJ chorused as she hopped out of her friend's mom's minivan.
"Any time JJ, tell your mom I said hi," Mrs George replied with a smile, waving as JJ pulled the door closed.
Brimming with excitement, JJ sprinted up the front path towards the front door, barrelling through it with as much gusto as a 40lb seven year old could manage.
"Mom!" she yelled as she pushed the door closed behind her. It closed with a bang, but she was too excited to care. "Mom!"
"Jennifer Jareau, I have told you a thousand times-"
"Mom, I got the letter! I got the letter!" JJ shrieked over her mom, bounding into the kitchen as she frantically unzipped her gym bag. She struggled for a moment, her little grunts of exasperation filling the room, before she triumphantly thrust a crumpled piece of paper into her mom's hands. "Look!"
Sandy quickly scanned it, her eyes moving rapidly back and forth across the page as she took in the information.
"Hey Jaybird, what's all the racket?" Michael exclaimed as he swept into the room, easily scooping up his youngest child and pressing a kiss to her cheek.
"I got the DT letter!" JJ said excitedly, her smile beaming and bright as Michael sat her on the edge of the kitchen counter.
"DT?" Michael queried, looking over at his wife for clarification.
"Development team," Sandy clarified. "It's… it's basically the squad that prepares to go into the Junior Olympic system"
"And if you want to go to the Olympics, you have to compete in the Junior Olympic system," JJ finished with a defiant nod. "I want to go to the Olympics!"
"Ok bug, slow down a little," Michael chuckled. "I think you need to be a bit bigger to go to the Olympics"
"Not now, silly!" JJ giggled. "When I'm older!"
"JJ, it's a lot of extra hours. You'll have to go straight from school to practice in the afternoon, and you'll have to have practice on Saturdays as well," Sandy said seriously. "It's going to be a lot of work. Are you sure it's something you want to do?"
JJ nodded eagerly, her blue eyes sparkling with excitement. "I want to do gymnastics forever!"
Sandy and Michael glanced at each other, unnoticed by JJ, resigning themselves to the fact that while their youngest was quiet and shy, she was also headstrong and adamant when she wanted to be.
"I'm gonna be the best gymnast that ever was," JJ crowed, breaking them from their gaze. Michael chuckled, dropping a strong arm around his little girl's thin shoulders.
"Jennifer Jareau, I have absolutely zero doubts about that"
"You told your parents you would be the best gymnast ever?" Rachel asked with a grin as JJ finished recounting the memory.
"Yeah," JJ chuckled. "I was quite full of my own self-importance at seven"
Rachel laughed. "Well… I'd say you weren't actually that far off the mark. Looking at your accolades… you have ended up becoming quite a force to be reckoned with"
"I actually… talking about that reminded me of something else," JJ said softly. Rachel tipped her head slightly, clearly waiting for JJ to continue as they stared at each other across the coffee table.
This gym was so much bigger than the one she trained in at practice. There were so many people sitting in bleachers that had been arranged around the competition space. Little girls ran around in groups, each group of leotards a different colour to indicate a level, a region, a gym.
"Alright, Allegheny kids, please line up here, we're going to get you started on the bars very shortly!" came the voice of a competition volunteer. Chattering excitedly, the little girls around her began to form into a little group, but all JJ could see now was the size of the gym, the hundreds of people watching, the kids all around her, the lights overhead-
"JJ, come on, you need to line up behind Amelia," said a familiar male voice. JJ tipped her head up to see her new coach, Nick, standing beside her. He'd only been coaching her group for a couple of months after deciding at the young age of 19 that his talents lay more in coaching than competing, and so far, JJ liked him.
But now, she wanted to shrink away and hide, even from her coach.
Shaking her head, she drew into herself, her pale face illuminated by the lights as she sequestered herself against Nick's side, refusing to look up at him.
"What's up kiddo? Are you nervous?" he asked gently, crouching down beside her.
"I want my mom," she said in a tiny voice.
"Your mom's at a teacher conference, remember?" Nick reminded her. "But your dad's here. Look, he's waving at you"
JJ turned to look where Nick was pointing, and the second her eyes met her father's, she burst into tears. Almost as if rehearsed, she felt Nick beginning to guide her along the walkway towards the bleachers, and just moments later, she was being scooped up into her dad's arms.
"What's the matter Jaybird? Why are you crying?" Michael said sweetly, taking a seat on one of the lower bleachers and sitting JJ down on his knee.
"I'm scared. I want Mom," JJ sobbed, fat tears rolling down her cheeks as she tucked her head under Michael's chin.
"Oh Jaybird, Mom's at work, but she's so excited for you to tell her all about it when she gets home. I even brought my camera to film your routines so she can see!" Michael replied. "What's scaring you today?"
"Too many people," JJ sniffed.
"But that's ok, JJ, because most of these people are here to watch their little girls. Remember, there's three different competition levels here today. That means there's lots of little gymnasts who have a mom or a dad watching them. So it feels like there's a lot of people watching you, but there's so much going on in here… you can do your routines and it'll probably just be Nick and your dear old dad watching you," Michael said with a little chuckle. "Besides, one day when you go to the Olympics, there will be lots of people there, and I bet they'll all want to be watching you. Do you think you can manage to do your routines today, so you can go to the Olympics one day?"
JJ shrugged. "Maybe"
"Today's supposed to be fun, my little peanut. You've got your pretty leotard on, and it's even in your favourite colour, how cool is that?"
"And it has sparkles," JJ added, her voice growing ever so slightly stronger.
"It does have sparkles, you're right. Maybe when you go to your next competition, you'll get an even sparklier leotard… but you have to compete at this one first, don't you?"
JJ nodded, her tears now dried as Michael pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket.
"Here we go, let's wipe your nose so you're all set to go. Why don't you pop down with Nick… and if you feel nervous before your routines, you just look for me waving at you, ok? I'll be watching every move," he said warmly, pressing a kiss to JJ's temple. "You got it peanut"
"Ok," JJ said quietly, sliding off Michael's knee.
"I love you Jaybird. Go crush it so you can show Mom later," Michael called after her as she made her way back onto the competition floor.
"How did you go at that competition?"
JJ frowned, chewing her lip in thought. "I actually can't remember. I think I won beam for my division. My mom would know though, she's a certified hoarder, I'm pretty sure she has every single medal, certificate, and leotard I ever got"
Rachel chuckled. "Well in that case… I'd like you to do something before our next session. When you get a chance, I'd like you to ask your mom about your first few competitions. Have a look at some of the old memories. Because you said to me when you first came in today that you feel like your gymnastics has lost its spark. At some point when you were just a little kid flipping around in a gym, that spark was ignited and it carried you through two Olympic Games'. It might be worth revisiting where this whole journey started… see if you can't reignite it again"
Smiling, JJ nodded ever so slightly.
"Ok… yeah. I can do that"
"Alright," Sandy groaned, heaving a large plastic tub up onto the counter. JJ had come straight over after her therapy session, surprisingly eager to take a trip down memory lane, and Sandy was thrilled to go along with the request. "Everything is sorted into little bags," Sandy explained as she popped the lid off the tub. "With the year and the competition written on the outside"
"Wow," JJ laughed, beginning to paw through the contents. "You really did keep everything"
"Well, when your seven year old firmly tells you she's going to go to the Olympics, you've got to document the entire journey," Sandy said, bumping JJ's hip as the two of them laughed.
"Oh my gosh, this is from the competition I was telling Rachel about, my first level 6 meet," JJ gushed, lifting a plastic bag out of the container and popping the snap open. Reaching in, she pulled out a tiny leotard in a garish shade of pink, the logo of Allegheny Gymnastics Club stamped on the back.
"That was before Nick bought the gym, remember it was owned by… oh, what was his name? Albert?"
"Alan," JJ said suddenly, making Sandy snap a finger at her.
"That's it," she chuckled. "And they didn't have the club leos you could hire back then, so everyone had to buy a competition leo. You wore this quite a few times until you outgrew it, but I kept it in this bag since this was your first proper meet"
"It's so little!" JJ laughed, holding it up. "I can't believe I ever fit in this"
"You were quite small," Sandy said with a smile. "But then you had a growth spurt at nine… well, as much of a growth spurt as you could handle, and suddenly you couldn't breathe in it. So we had to get a new one"
"I remember how excited I was to get this"
"Yes, you tried to go to sleep in it. Your dad had to come and take it off you and put your pyjamas on once you passed out," Sandy laughed. "You also tried to wear it to school, but we put a stop to that"
JJ let out a playful sigh. "God, you guys ruined all my fun"
Sandy chuckled, reaching into the bag and unearthing the gold medal sitting at the bottom. "Here you go. 2002 Level 6 Division B Balance Beam Champion"
"Yeah, I thought I'd won beam, but I couldn't remember," JJ mused with a smile, taking the tiny medal into her hands and turning it over. "This is crazy"
"To think that little Division B beam champion would go on to be the reigning World and Olympic champion multiple times over," Sandy replied, looking over JJ's shoulder. "And it only got more terrifying for me to watch from there"
JJ laughed, reaching back into the bag and fishing out the last couple of items in there. In one scoop, she pulled out a matching scrunchie to go with the leotard, another medal, and a photo that had been folded in half. Setting the other items down, she prised the photo apart, finding a picture of her and her dad that had clearly been taken at the end of the competition. She was wearing the two medals around her neck, beaming proudly at the camera with her missing front teeth on clear display. Her dad was crouched beside her, his face shining with pride.
"There's something written on the back, Jayje," Sandy pointed out. "It's not my handwriting"
Frowning, JJ flipped it over, her eyes quickly scanning the neat cursive that she immediately recognised as belonging to her father.
JJ competed at her first competition and won two medals! Gold on beam and bronze on floor. She was a little upset before it all started but once it got going, she was fierce. I can't wait to watch her at the Olympics one day - I know she can do it if she sets her mind to it!
She barely made it to the end of the last sentence before her eyes filled with tears. Dropping the photo on the counter, she brought a hand up to her mouth, trying to stem the flow of tears, but when she heard her mom sniff beside her, that was all it took to break the walls. She turned immediately, wrapping her arms around her mom, the two of them holding each other tightly as they allowed the emotions to run free.
"I'm so glad he got to see me compete in London," JJ said after a few teary minutes had passed. She lifted her head, not even bothering to wipe away the tears still rolling down her cheeks.
"Me too," Sandy breathed. "Because if he hadn't, he'd probably be haunting this house, and I just can't deal with that"
JJ let out a watery giggle, nodding in agreement as Sandy dropped an arm around her shoulders.
"He's with you every day Jayje. I know that he still got to see you compete in Rio, and in Montreal… even if he's not here. I know he was watching. He was always so proud of you. He just loved seeing you succeed at whatever you put your mind to"
"Can we have a look through some more things?" JJ asked quietly, wiping her cheeks on the cuff of her sweater.
"Of course we can. I've got nowhere to be"
"Hey," came Nick's friendly voice as she walked into the gym for her 3pm workout. "Let's go have a quick chat in my office"
Baulking, JJ stared at him for a moment. "What did I do?"
"I don't know, you tell me," Nick said, his expression faltering moments later to indicate he was only teasing as he broke into a grin. "You haven't done anything, I just wanted to have a chat with you after the Classic"
Somewhat reluctantly, she followed him along the corridor to his office, stepping into the room and taking a seat on one of the cushy chairs opposite the desk as he closed the door behind them.
"First of all, you really haven't done anything wrong, so get that worried look off your face," Nick said gently as he came to sit on the edge of the desk just beside her. "You've been in a weird headspace for a couple of weeks… that's fine. It happens. But it does mean I'm going to be checking in with you a little more often to make sure you're doing ok and we're not pushing you further than you can handle"
"Ok"
"Second of all… I can tell that despite what you've insisted for the last few months, you're not entirely sold on retirement at the end of this season, and I think it's about time we get to the bottom of that"
JJ resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Nick, I'm paying my therapist like a hundred and fifty bucks a week to try and work that out-"
"No, you're paying your therapist to keep you from spiralling out again while you 'try to figure out' if you want to keep doing gymnastics"
Taken aback, JJ felt her face harden. "What's with the air quotes?"
Nick chuckled. "Come on JJ, I wasn't born yesterday and I've been coaching you for nearly seventeen years. You know what you want to do. You're just fighting yourself, and no-one can really work out why"
"Have you not heard me say to literally everyone that I'm not going to the Olympics again?" JJ shot back, her voice rising a little more than she would have liked, but Nick was unfazed.
"JJ, are you saying that you aren't going to Tokyo because you genuinely don't want to push for it, or are you saying it because you don't think you'll make it and you don't want to get your hopes up?"
Floored, JJ found herself stumbling for an answer. "I… I'm not going, I-"
"Ok, that was about as convincing as if the Queen said she was converting to Judaism," Nick said with a chuckle, his face softening as he leaned forward and rested a hand on the surface of the desk. "JJ… why are you here?"
JJ fell silent, staring down at her fingernails as she tried to figure out what she could possibly say next.
"Don't take it the wrong way, JJ, because you know I love you and you're always welcome in this gym no matter what… but why are you in here six days a week, seven hours a day, throwing elite routines and working yourself to the grindstone if you're done at the end of this season? Because from where I'm standing, you don't look done. Not even close"
JJ let out a heavy sigh. "I'm supposed to be done"
"What do you mean 'supposed to be'?"
"I've told the world twice that I was retiring. I'm well past the use by date on the average elite gymnastics career, I… what am I doing here?"
Nick chuckled, shaking his head. "Nice try JJ. You're not having a crisis of confidence. You know exactly why you're here, I just can't figure out why you're scared to admit it to yourself and thus are winding yourself into a knot over it in the process. So what if you told the world you're retiring, how many times has Chuso 'retired'? More than you, I can tell you that. And as for being 'past the use by date'… you've never been average. Not even once. JJ, you tore your Achilles, an injury that ended the career of many gymnasts out there, and you're already back at a similar level of difficulty to what you had last year. I don't know how, other than I'm guessing your Achilles was sewn back together by God himself, because there is not a single person out there who can understand how you're at the strength you're at this soon after an injury like that"
JJ let out a groan, tipping her head back against the back of the chair as she slumped where she sat. "I don't… I don't get it. I don't know why I'm fighting this"
"Ok. Forget everything else. Forget everyone else. Just you and me. No-one will hear this conversation. No-one will know what we discussed unless you want them to," Nick said firmly. "Let's get straight to the point. Do you want to go to Tokyo?"
JJ paused for a moment before slowly nodding her head. She sat up a little straighter, resting her elbows on the edge of Nick's desk.
"Tell me why," Nick said shortly.
"I don't know-"
"Yes you do," Nick cut in. "I know you do. You're not wrestling yourself over this because you don't know why you want to go to Tokyo, you're wrestling yourself because of why you want to go"
"It's stupid"
"No it's not, JJ, if I know you at all, whatever is driving you to do this is definitely not stupid-"
"I hated Rio," JJ suddenly blurted out. Nick fell silent, his eyebrows rising slightly in surprise, and JJ immediately knew that whatever he had expected her to say, it hadn't been that. "I hated it. And the more I think about it, the more I realise I didn't actually enjoy London either"
Sadness settled in Nick's chest, but he knew there was more to come. As much as he wanted to provide reassurance to his athlete, he knew he had to let her talk.
"You know I actually don't remember 75% of what happened in Brazil? I remember the night we won team gold… and I remember having a panic attack before the all-around… but I don't actually remember winning the biggest achievement of my career. I was so numb, and so consumed by grief, there are only very small flashes I remember from that entire two week period of my life. I don't even remember you punching out that reporter, but I remember crying for hours afterwards," JJ said, letting out a half laugh as she finished speaking. "I've started talking about it with my therapist, and there are bits of Rio that I have genuinely wiped out of my mind. I don't think I could even tell you what leotard I was wearing for the all-around final. I know what leotard I wore, but not because I remember that day, it's because I still have the pictures on my Instagram"
She took a deep breath, shaking her head in disbelief. "And London… knowing what I know now… London makes me feel sick. Don't get me wrong, I'm so proud of all the medals I earned from both Games, and I'm proud of the performances I put up to earn them… but I know now that in England, my entire team was being molested and I had zero idea what was happening"
"You were eighteen JJ, that wasn't your fault," Nick reminded her gently.
"I know," JJ said softly. "But even though Larry never did that to me, he still took those experiences from me by tainting them with what I know now was happening in the dark. Because now, I vividly remember moments from the Games, and from Worlds the year before. And I know what they meant. In London, I left the room to take a shower while Aly was being worked up, and she kept begging me to stay. I thought she was just being clingy, but she was trying to get me to stay so that maybe, just maybe, Larry wouldn't assault her that night. And I had no idea. Then on top of all of that was all the bullshit with Marta and the ranch. You know the one thing I do remember clearly from 2016? That incredible meltdown I had during training one day because I was sick of people saying how strong I was. And I know you talked to me, so this isn't aimed at you at all, but I came back inside and not one person acknowledged that it even happened. Not that I really wanted anyone to at the time, but the more I look back on it now, the more I realise how fucked that was, that any show of human emotion was completely stamped out of us, overlooked and ignored. I was cracking under pressure, and you were the only person who gave a damn"
JJ took a huge breath, running a hand through her hair as she looked up at Nick. "You know… my therapist and I even came to the conclusion that what happened in 2017 wasn't just because of my dad. I was at breaking point before we even went to Brazil. The Olympics just pushed me closer to the edge. I sometimes wonder if that night in LA would have turned out differently if I had never been to the Olympics"
"JJ-" Nick started, his eyes growing bright as she spoke, but she shook her head, cutting him off.
"I know why I want to go to Tokyo. I want to have an experience that is fun. And worth remembering. I want to go to the Olympics and come home without feeling like I sold my soul or destroyed myself in the process of getting there. I'm not saying there aren't bits of London and Rio that I like to think about, because there are… but not once has the Olympic stage seen the person or the competitor I believe I really am, because USAG and life in general did a great job of beating all the confidence out of me, and not once have I had an overall experience that I feel is representative of my career. That's what I want, Nick. That's why I'm doing this"
"But why have you been so defiant? So lost?"
"Because… I don't think I've ever wanted to accept that my Olympic experiences were not everything I had always dreamed of," JJ said sadly. "That was my whole world, since I was six. And if I allow myself to really accept that it wasn't everything it was cracked up to be, well… it's kind of sad. And not only that.. part of me has been terrified that if I go back to the Olympics, it's going to lead to a repeat of LA"
Nick nodded slowly in agreement, giving JJ a soft smile as he reached across to squeeze her hand. "Ignore all the stereotypes. I know you can do this if you really want to, and hell… you can smash the glass ceilings in every which way if it makes you feel more secure in this decision"
JJ smiled. "The other thing is… I want to because I still can. I'm physically capable of still competing at that level. And I still love this sport. More than anything, that's the impression I want to leave on the Olympic floor. That I compete because I love it. Because I want to. Because I can. Not out of sadness or some weird debt to an organisation that doesn't care about me," she said sincerely. She took a deep breath. "London was for USAG. Rio was for my dad. But this time… this time, Tokyo is going to be for me"