Eno, Moebius, Roedelius - The Shade
Houska.
I... I've come so far to see you and...
Beautiful day, isn't it?
Me? I'm Sniff, pleased to meet you! If I know you? Why, of course I do! We've seen each other before, haven't we? Moominvalley? That's right, I live here. Where do you live? Oh, that's such a nice place to live in. No, I have never been there, but maybe one day I'll be.
I don't think I want to leave this place yet. One day, I'll be rich and then I can afford travelling around the world by myself. It's a dream I have nurtured since childhood. Yes, by myself, I'm not sure if anyone else will come with me, and I don't want to lead a life filled with uncertainties.
Nice flowers. Are they yours? Oh, I see. You took care of them.
Mr. Hermulen appreciates flowers as well. Do you know him? Mr. Hermulen? He has quite a beautiful garden outside his house. Sure, I can present him to you. If he's my friend? Why, yes. I have lots of friends. You don't know their names? Quite a few of them, you mean? That's fair. Don't worry, you'll get to know them better. I know because I struggled with making friends too. It's hard, I know. Really hard.
You mean if I'm friends with "Moo mint roll"? Wait, who's that? Never heard of that name before. Wait a moment... Uh huh... Oh, no, no! I'm sorry, but his name is Moomintroll, you silly!
Moomintroll? Yes, we call him Moomin as well. They live in that blue house. They used to live somewhere else before they moved into Moominvalley. Yes, I know because I've been here for a long time. I was lost in the woods, I thought I'd never see or feel the sun again until the Moomins arrived. Moomintroll was one of my first friends, his mother took care of me and, yeah, it's quite a story. Maybe I'll tell the rest later, I'm not in the mood of digging my own past right now.
The blue house? No, I don't live there, I have my own house. I visit the Moomin family very often, I owe them my life. Whenever I can, I go there to see if they're alright. There is Moominpappa, Moominmamma, Moomintroll himself... I guess that's all for the members of the family. They are such kind people, let me tell you. I wonder who I would be without them. I would not even be here, probably.
I got more friends other than the Moomins. There's Mr. Hemulen, as mentioned before, and... Oh! There's Snufkin, he is one of my friends, as well as Moomin's. Snorkmaiden is my friend too, yeah. Ever heard of Little My? You might think she's annoying but if you know her better, My has a soft spot. Everyone does.
Uh... You see, that's why I'm here... Here to say, uh... I don't want to be here, but... I have to. It's the right thing to do. You see, the first time we met... It was a disaster, and I can't forget, no matter how much I try... I tried, but I failed many times, and...
Houska... I'm here to say that I... I am sorry about your flowers, and... I should not have... I should have known better that... Your flowers... I ruined your flowers, and I'm deeply sorry. I didn't want to startle your flowers or make you upset, you see.
I did not want to... I just... Wanted to say that I... I thought that... I wasn't thinking.
Back then, my mind was somewhere else. It was not me talking... I... I was, how do you say... Lost in the green? Maybe, but today... I feel better. I... I feel a lot better... I feel like I am truly myself, and... It was not me who, uh... I was there, but... This is me talking... The one Sniff you're looking at, this is who I really am... And I feel... I feel it's the right thing to do after I... I did not want to do it.
I'm here to say that I can't stop thinking about the day we first met, and... I am sorry. Sorry... I didn't mean to say those things... You poor flowers, I didn't mean to hurt them... And... Don't be mad at me, I want to... I didn't know how you felt, why can't we just... Why...
...
What am I doing here?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard.
Just go there and say what you have to say. What needs to be said, the right thing.
I've been thinking for hours and I still can't say anything meaningful and coherent? Oh, please, I stared right into the Groke's eyes! I saw the comet's descent and survived to tell the story! But this? This is ridiculous. It's as if I'm trapped behind a wall of glass, unable to convey my feelings. So stupid... Houska surely feels the same way. Does she? I have no idea how she feels. I have no idea how I should feel.
She's right there, watering her flowers, and you're here, thinking and overwhelming yourself with thoughts. Are you afraid your tongue will slip and you'll say something bad? Is there anything else to say that isn't bad?
I don't want to say anything that might hurt her. I don't want to make her cry. I don't want to look pathetic in front of her. I don't want to commit the same mistakes as before. I don't want to pour my heart out to someone who won't listen to me. I don't want to disappoint her, I don't want to make her look awful with my words, I don't want to hold on to this burden any longer!
It's as if the horrible memories tend to linger longer than the pleasant ones. Do we even have good memories of each other? We don't.
Well, I could just forget she exists and move on with my life, as Snufkin proposed back then, but I'm not him. I'm not the lone wanderer who leaves his friends behind to travel whenever winter comes. To be honest, I came to forget her and it was good while it lasted. Now, I can't live knowing that someone hates me and that it's my fault. What should I do? If I come near Houska, she will rip the heart out of my chest and laugh. Will she? As if you haven't done worse.
I haven't seen her in quite a long time and I don't think she wants to see me ever again. She made it clear last time: "...And don't you ever show yourself in front of me again, you barbarian! You murderer! Flower thief! Assassin!..."; I was called all sorts of names on that day and... Was it really her who was talking? How come anger makes a person unrecognizable beyond themselves?
She said those hurtful things when she was upset. I don't blame her, I too would be very upset if a stranger came to me and shouted "I LOVE YOU!" out of nowhere and then ripped my flowers and... Did I really do that to her? I did. And I'm very sorry. I don't want to end up alone, much less knowing that someone hates me. I want to apologize, but will it even matter after all of the things I have done?
It wasn't just me picking her flowers. It was murder. I went there and killed the things she cared for the most, right in front of her. They were screaming in pain and there were like a million flowers in the field, could you imagine a million voices screaming in your head? I did not listen, but Houska did. It's something unforgivable, and yet, I demand forgiveness. That's all I can do.
Flowers... I could comment on the fact that plants aren't as sentient as we are, but that would do nothing to help me, apart from making me look more of an idiot than I am. So what if that's the truth? It's the scientific truth, and let's be fair, science and emotions do not mix very well.
Science can't solve all our problems. If it did, then I could just use Moominpappa's time machine to travel back in time and slap myself in the face for ever making Houska cry and recoil in fear. Yeah, science, emotions... Not a good mix, at all. I know it because Houska treats plants, as well as birds, frogs and insects, all sorts of animals, as just as sentient and worthy of comfort and convenience as actual people and there's no way I'll be able to change her views, it's something I can't do and I don't intend to. Her feelings, thoughts and beliefs are just as valid as mine.
It's not the end of the world, the comet approaching, the tides rising... I know it's hard, but I can do it, I just have to think a little more about it.