I'm fading
Much too fast, my love.
I'm waiting
For it to pass, my love.
Could I feel your skin on mine before I have to say goodbye?
Could I breathe please one last time in my lungs, before I curl up
And die.
Oh my world is los... ing light.
I'm leaving, this cold world of mine.
No pleading, is gonna turn back time.
Could I feel your skin on mine before I have to say goodbye?
Could I breathe please one last time in my lungs, before I curl up
And die.
Oh my world is losing light.
- One Last Time by Jaymes Young
Before I met Severus in the evening, Remus stormed into St. Mungo. "Catherine, I need your help!" he shouted; in his arms, I recognized his mother-in-law Andromeda, supported on Tonks's shoulder was Ted. Obviously, they had been tortured with the Cruciatus.
Asklepios and I exchanged brief glances before taking them into a separate room. "What happened?" I asked Remus as I administered Calming Draught with trembling hands to both of them, along with a strengthening potion against the abnormal pains they had obviously endured.
"The bastards apparently wanted to find out where they can locate Harry," Tonks replied, visibly agitated. I saw tears of anger in her eyes.
"I'm so infinitely sorry, Tonks," I whispered, attempting to lower the fever accompanying the pain from torture with a touch and a spell.
"They set fire to Dädalus Diggle's house, tortured Rufus Scrimgeour, but all the horror was unsuccessful. No one revealed anything," Remus said in an almost toneless voice.
"Will they, I mean, do they have to end up like the Longbottoms?" Tonks's voice broke, and I embraced her, feeling her tears of despair.
"I can't answer that yet, Tonks. They need to sleep and heal their wounds. Tomorrow morning, we might be able to talk to them," I replied as Asklepios entered, bringing more potions.
"We're not really the right healers in this field," explained Asklepios. "But the current ones are unfortunately under the Imperius. I wouldn't want to take the responsibility. Your father is Muggle-born, isn't he?"
Tonks nodded sadly.
"Then he'd better stay with the others in the cellar. Your mother, however, we could transfer to the proper ward if you'd like," said Asklepios, administering another potion to Ted Tonks, who seemed to have endured more torture than his wife, already lying motionless without the typical muscle spasms.
"No, I think both of them want to stay together," she said, wiping away her tears. "It was supposed to be such a beautiful evening. We were going to tell them today that they're going to be grandparents, and then we found them so battered, with the dark mark over the house."
I looked at her in shock, my jaw dropping. "Tonks, you're... pregnant?" I asked, unsure whether to feel joy or shock. A child in these times... amidst the horrors of war was both terror and joy. The expectant father seemed to share similar thoughts as he turned his face away from me, staring motionless at the ground.
"Yes, I found out yesterday," he whispered softly.
"Congratulations," I said with an uncertain voice, met by a clearing of Asklepios' throat. However, the expectant mother was completely absorbed in the sight of her parents, not even noticing my uncertainty.
"Remus, can I talk to you for a moment?" I asked, making Remus look up; his face was pale and worn, even though the full moon was still two weeks in the future.
He nodded and came wordlessly towards me.
"Asklepios?" I inquired to my colleague.
"I'll take care of it, go ahead. You've been off duty for half an hour already," he said with raised eyebrows, but I laughed off his remark. The war took no vacations.
Together with Remus, I entered an empty treatment room, seating him on a chair, which he allowed to happen without resistance, highly uncharacteristic for him.
"What's going on, Remus?" I asked him with a gentle voice.
"I didn't want a child... I mean, I never thought that... what if it has my condition?"
"If it's born as a werewolf?" I clarified. He nodded, his hands clenched into fists.
"What have I done?"
"You've taken what you deserve, Remus. A family."
"That's not what I wanted. Exposing two people to all that I endure due to my condition. And then an innocent child. What kind of person am I?" His voice was hoarse, his face contorted into a grimace of self-loathing and despair.
"You didn't anticipate this; it's understandable that it surprises you. But I know you'll be the most wonderful father any child could wish for," I replied, attempting to smile confidently.
"You have no idea, Catherine! You live in a dream world that has nothing to do with reality!" he shouted angrily, standing up. "A child from a werewolf is the last thing this world needs right now. Damn it!"
His eyes glowed with anger. I looked at him with bated breath; he seemed on the verge of exploding.
"Remus, we can talk about it and find a solution together," I said, raising my hands in a calming gesture.
"You disgust me with your self-righteousness! You're entirely to blame for this!" he yelled, slamming his fist against the wall. "You told me to follow my instincts. Find a woman... All ridiculous. It's war, damn it! And I'm in the Order; I need to do something meaningful instead of teaching an innocent child to fear in a world where it can never be accepted."
"That's nonsense! You know it too!" I shouted back.
"That's it! Finally some true words from your mouth!" he screamed, rushing past me to slam the door loudly. He left me with a pounding heart, another shard that had embedded itself and whose poison would flow through my veins. And yet, Remus was right about what he said. I couldn't comprehend what it had been like for him all these years. Excluded from a society to which he should belong.
Dismayed, I made my way to the seaside cottage. The gentle waves crashing against the rocks immediately calmed me. I knew it was a dispute that would be short-lived. I would make sure of that. This war would not drive a wedge between Remus and me, or between him, his wife, and child. But I needed to give him time.
A loud clearing of the throat snapped me out of my thoughts. When I turned around, he was standing behind me, a skeptical expression on his face.
"What troubles you?" he asked softly, his words carried away by the surf.
"How do you know?" I replied.
"It must be something significant if it keeps you from coming to me, isn't it?" His black eyes rested on mine.
"A quarrel with Remus," I sighed. One of Severus's eyebrows raised significantly.
"Lupin must be in a bad state if he seeks a fight with you."
I looked at Severus in surprise because usually, he didn't deem others' emotions significant enough to dwell on.
"He's going to be a father."
"It's brave to have a child in times of war," Severus said thoughtfully.
"Remus is afraid of failing and becoming a burden to the child... as a werewolf," I explained, feeling the weight of Remus's suffering.
"It won't make it easier to raise the child."
We stared together at the roaring sea until a cold wind rose, and we saw a rain front approaching from a distance. As Severus and I slowly walked into the cottage, Severus took my hand. It was a small gesture, yet it radiated great love. It was precisely what I needed now.
"I brought you the latest Daily Prophet," Severus said, placing the newspaper of the day in front of me after we sat on the couch.
On the front page was a picture of Harry, suspected of murdering Albus Dumbledore.
"No one believes that," I whispered, shaking my head.
"And yet hardly anyone will rebel against it. Look at the second page."
There was a picture of the new Minister of Magic, Pius Thicknesse, the former head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, who was under the Imperius Curse and managing everything in Voldemort's favor. I sighed as I skimmed through the article.
It reported on a newly established commission for the registration of Muggle-borns, where all magical individuals of Muggle descent would have to register. This was based on new findings suggesting that magical powers could only be inherited from magical ancestors. Individuals who could perform magic but had no magical lineage would be deemed to have stolen or acquired their magical abilities deceitfully from other wizards.
"That's..." I couldn't continue speaking. I knew this would strip every Muggle-born wizard of their livelihood in the wizarding world.
"That's what the Dark Lord has planned."
"I won't be able to officially return to St. Mungo's."
"Or to your apartment."
"We have to prevent this, Severus!"
"Isn't that what both of us are working towards? What we're sacrificing our shared happiness for?" His eyes looked at me seriously.
"Severus, I told you about the spell I'm currently developing," I began, a little unsure if he would be disappointed in me. Severus looked up, pausing in the motion of bringing a cup of black tea to his lips.
"Do you need help? I've already told you that I support you in anything that could lead to Potter's demise."
"Yes, but I know I need a few books from the Forbidden Section at Hogwarts," I interrupted him. "I've encountered some... obstacles."
"That's not surprising. What you want to develop requires the utmost precision," he nodded in agreement.
"If Volde—," but Severus quickly placed his elegant hand over my mouth.
"Don't say his name, Catherine!" he explained to me with widened eyes.
"I know you despise it, but maybe Dumbledore is right, and we all need to face his name, including you," I explained after his hand moved from my mouth to holding mine.
"No! He has placed a spell on his name by now. He senses everyone who uses it," Severus replied, shaking his head.
"And by doing so, he leads himself and his followers directly to members of Dumbledore's resistance," I realized with alarm. "Oh, Severus, why didn't you say it sooner? I should warn the Order and..." I rose from the squeaky couch, but Severus held me back by the hand.
"I only learned about it today, along with a few others. We need to let a few days pass before the Order can be informed."
"Oh, you're right. I'm just worried..."
"Do you think I would let them all walk into the open blade?" he asked, a mocking grin playing on his lips contentedly.
"Of course not. But it will complicate everything," I said, sinking thoughtfully back beside Severus.
"You should only use secure communication methods anyway. The owls are increasingly intercepted. Just like in the first war. Use Patronuses," he said, glancing briefly at Tiberius, who was contentedly nibbling on an owl biscuit.
"It will be difficult. Without the Ministry, Dumbledore, and Alastor," I noted when thinking about what lay ahead. It felt worse than the first war, more hopeless. Back then, the most powerful wizard of the time was on our side. Today, we placed all our hopes in a boy who had turned 17 just a few weeks ago, and whose current whereabouts were unknown.
"What if he doesn't live up to all the expectations? What if the fear captures him just as it does the others his age?" I asked, looking into Severus's pale face, who had been observing me closely.
"He is as old as you were back then, as his parents and our classmates when you joined the resistance. You did not follow the path of fear," Severus said, a glint passing over his black eyes. "And we will help. Your idea might be exactly what is missing. Now, tell me what you need for it."
"I think you have more experience in potion development. I'm afraid we have to work on it together. I'm sorry, I know you have so little time and—"
"Catherine, this takes priority. It might secure a future for all of us!" he interjected, leaning back thoughtfully. "You said you need Hogwarts."
"Just the library. And you," I agreed.
"What if we can be there together? Use the nights and work on it together," he suggested.
"How do you imagine that? Me just going to Hogwarts and officially working with you on the case of the dark lord?" The thought almost made me want to laugh.
Severus looked at me with pressed lips; he despised it when I used the name.
"Not exactly. But I'll come up with something. After all, I am the Headmaster. All the secrecy charms of this school are under my control, and you know how effective they are."
"And the Carrow siblings?" I asked incredulously, shaking my head.
"Not relevant, I assure you," he replied with a triumphant but mocking grin, so typical of him. "I have quite a plan for the two of them."
"What do you mean?" I asked curiously as I looked at his mockingly sparkling eyes.
"I've come up with something for the new school year, which starts next week. I will manipulate the official timetable to restrict the Carrows' access to the students. This way, the students could spend more time with teachers like Minerva and Filius."
"Do you think it will be enough?" I asked thoughtfully.
"Of course not. But I will spread false information about certain students or teachers to lead the Carrows astray. This could help divert their attention to unimportant matters and give time to the students who resist. I just need to figure out where I could create a few secure rooms."
"You could cast invisible protective spells and counter-curses in certain areas of the school to protect students from the Carrows," I suggested. I was excited about what Severus planned to do to protect the students.
"Don't worry, I will proceed discreetly. No one would imagine that it's me sabotaging the Carrows," Severus said with a gentle voice, beginning to wind a long strand of my hair around his extended index finger.
"What else do you need to be successful with our plan?" he asked now a little lost in thought.
"I need only your knowledge and skills, Severus."
His eyes narrowed as a soft laughter played over his lips. "You are the master of the Dark Arts, Severus. And not overly gifted in potions. Who else but you should manage it with me?"
Severus leaned towards me, and I felt the blood rushing through my veins, my heart dancing with joy as it finally felt his proximity.
I sighed, hopelessly in love with him, recalling how I had almost lost everything when I revealed the truth about Severus and me to Remus. And I knew that lying was a necessary evil that I had to endure—for the greater good, as Dumbledore would say.
"Why are you grinning?" Severus asked, studying me curiously, before he began to gently kiss my neck.
"I was just thinking about how the war has changed me," I whispered and briefly closed my eyes, imagining a serious face with amber eyes and chestnut hair. I wondered if Gideon knew back then how right he would be.
"It's probably unavoidable," Severus said, stopping his kisses, and his gaze darkened. I painfully bit my lower lip. How could I forget what he himself had to endure?
"Severus, if you want to talk about it—"
"I can't. You wouldn't be able to look at me the same way, Catherine." His face appeared expressionless, almost petrified, but in his eyes, I could see the storm of his emotions raging.
"I will always love you, Severus. You should understand that by now," I explained with a gentle voice, squeezing his hand tightly.
"Even as I watched Charity Burbage being devoured by Nagini after being tortured with the Cruciatus and annihilated by the Killing Curse? I have heard the screams of tortured witches and wizards at every meeting in the last few weeks. And I did nothing to save them," he said with a bitter voice, self-loathing almost palpable. Severus flinched as I placed my other hand on his cheek. "And yet, this is not the first time. But this time it fills me with more horror, and I no longer stand behind the Dark Lord. I have always despised these tortures; I believed that one could advocate for pure-blood ideals differently, but he preferred to indulge in the sadism of his followers. What a fool was I? How could I ever think that someone like Lily and you should be questioned? And how can I forgive myself for witnessing all this again without preventing it?"
"You have no choice," I whispered.
"The greater good," Severus said angrily, and I nodded. We had no choice.
While Severus began his duties as the headmaster at Hogwarts, doing his best to ensure the safety of the students, we at least had the mirror through which we could see and speak to each other. We planned to make good use of it in the coming months.
However, for now, I was fully occupied with the secret hospital wing in St. Mungo's and developing assistance for Harry. I tried different ways to get there every day, even resorting to using the Polyjuice Potion to transform into other individuals, all to avoid detection.
We had a huge turnout because St. Mungo's was officially no longer allowed to treat Muggle-born witches and wizards. And Fear became pervasive.
While many magical people were outraged by these racist "findings" and the policies that followed, I had to admit that Severus was right. Very few dared to openly rebel against it, fearing for their safety and that of their families. At the same time, we warned patients against registering with the ministry in the Muggle-Born Registration Commission. They should rather find refuge.
Nevertheless, Asklepios, a handful of other Muggle-born healers, and I did our best to navigate through this challenging situation. My anxiety heightened each day as there was no news of Remus from Tonks or me. He had left Tonks a letter, apologizing and stating that he intended to search for Harry, support him in the task Dumbledore left him, and uncover the further plan.
I felt an indescribable relief when I saw him waiting outside the door one night after my shift at St. Mungo's. I slipped out almost silently and couldn't help but grin broadly as he looked perplexed at the little elderly lady approaching him.
"Remus, damn it! Where the hell have you been all this time?" I asked in an old, authoritative voice.
"Apologies, but do I know you?" Remus asked with a furrowed brow.
"I hope so, after all the years we've been through," I said in a different voice, patting him on the shoulder with a wrinkled hand.
"Catherine?" he asked, alarmed, taking a step back.
"Not so loud! No one must know who or where I am. You know, I still have Dolohov on my heels," I said softly, pulling Remus with me.
"We need to get away from here. Somewhere we can be undisturbed," I whispered, contemplating whether to take him to the cottage. However, it was a secret for a reason, and it had to remain so for my and Severus's protection.
So, I apparated with Remus to a spot in the Devon forest that I remembered well. Unknowingly, I had spent a passionate embrace with Gideon there years ago, right under Severus's eyes.
As we both felt the firm, mossy ground beneath us, we stumbled a bit, but Remus recovered faster, holding me steady until the trees around me stopped spinning.
"Where are-" he began, but I quickly cut him off.
„Clearly in a forest. Now, tell me where you've been and what happened!"
"I found Harry."
"Is he okay?"
"He's with Hermione and Ron at the former hideout."
Even though I didn't consider the old Black House safe enough, I nodded for Remus to continue.
"I offered to accompany them on their mission, even if they couldn't tell me the specifics."
"And he refused?"
"He even gave me a proper scolding when he found out Tonks is expecting a child."
"Really?"
"He called me a coward, running away from my responsibility as a father to go on adventures with them, possibly to die. And all this, even though I have the chance to be a father..." Remus paused and closed his eyes.
"Not like James," I quietly noted.
"Not like James," Remus confirmed, visibly holding back tears. I could see the pain in his eyes.
"Did you find out what they're working on? What their plan is?"
"No. And I reacted like a petulant child."
"What did you do?"
"I cast a spell on Harry that threw him aside before I angrily stomped away," Remus said, taking his face into his hands. His body started to shake.
"Remus, you were scared," I said gently, moving closer to him, placing my hand on his back. "It's the first time you're responsible not just for yourself."
"I... I should have never allowed all of this. For years, I tried to stay away from all human relationships."
"The loss of James, Sirius, and Peter was too painful; I understand that. The disappointment from the betrayal of a friend who was like a brother... but no one can lock themselves away forever. Tonks just slipped into your heart. And I think it's the best thing that could have happened to you."
Remus looked at me with a furrowed brow.
"But what about her?" he said in a hoarse voice. "Without your Wolfsbane, I would be a dangerous monster every month, something to keep away from Tonks."
"But you're not without the Wolfsbane or without me. Never," I said, smiling.
He glanced at me briefly before his lips formed a slight smile.
"Forgive me for my words in the argument, Catherine," he said softly.
"I do, Remus. But your words were true. I really have no idea how you feel. I only see it from the outside, and for me, you're a wonderful person. You're more than just a friend, Remus. You're my family," I said, feeling my eyes moisten. His smile widened, and now his eyes sparkled.
"I wish more people could see you all that way, Remus. Once a month, you're all vulnerable and something you don't want to be."
Remus nodded slowly.
"And instead of denying or hiding it like me, many now turn to dark arts. They become followers of Lord Volde-"
"Stop! His name is under a spell that will track us down," I quickly interjected. Remus's eyes widened.
"So, that's how they find us. How do you know that?" he asked, scrutinizing me closely.
"I heard it from a few Death Eaters at St. Mungo's," I lied without batting an eye. Apparently, I had become better at it because Remus accepted this explanation without a problem.
"We need to warn everyone," Remus said decisively, getting up.
"I've already done that. You were the last one from the Order, as we didn't know where to find you. Unfortunately, the warning came too late for Kingsley Shacklebolt; he had to defend himself against several Death Eaters. He's gone into hiding for now, but he plans to start a radio show secretly transmitting information and news that are not under the Ministry's control," I explained quietly. Remus looked down.
"Forgive me."
"Always, Remus! But have you been to see Tonks yet?"
"I haven't mustered the courage. I..."
"She'll be so glad to see you. We talked, and she understands your fears. She won't hold it against you, as long as you return to her open arms," I reassured.
"She's a wonderful person," he said with a grin.
"Both of you are. You deserve happiness. Embrace it, Remus!" I said earnestly. "And now go to her, spend a few beautiful days together!"
I would give anything for this opportunity with Severus.
And indeed, it did not take as long as I had feared before Severus informed me via the two-way mirror that he had arranged everything so that I could come to Hogwarts at night. I just had to apparate to the headmaster's office at an exact time, precisely to the window behind the desk, as he would lift the protective spells at that time. So, in secret, we both worked on our escape plan for Harry for several hours.
And so, on a cold winter night before Christmas, I apparated from a wooded area to the specified location. Around me, a whirl of colors as I focused on the exact spot. It was not easy to target such a small point, and with a pounding heart, I breathed a sigh of relief when I felt the ground and realized I was not shattered anywhere.
"I knew you would handle it effortlessly," Severus said in a gentle voice. He immediately embraced me tightly. I enjoyed his proximity; he calmed me, yet my heart raced.
I looked around as he let go of me. The room had changed. Most of the buzzing devices that surrounded Dumbledore were missing, as well as Fawkes, the phoenix. The curtains had been replaced with heavy dark velvet, and the room was illuminated with many candles. Severus had covered all portraits of former headmasters with curtains.
"Only while you are here. They can neither see nor hear us," he explained as he noticed my gaze. I nodded in agreement. Severus seemed to have thought of everything.
"I suppose Dumbledore was not thrilled about it?" I asked softly, thinking of the portrait of the headmaster, which Severus was now giving instructions to.
"He advised against it when he figured out my plan."
"And yet you went against his advice?"
"He left me in charge. Consequently, he has to live with my decisions," he said casually.
"That's... sexy, Severus," I whispered, giggling. Severus raised an eyebrow significantly.
"I thought you were here so that we could work and make progress," he said in a deep voice, but I saw his gaze briefly scan over my body.
"Alright, let's start with the question of whether you've made any progress in giving Harry the Sword of Gryffindor that Dumbledore left him," I asked, sitting down in the chair across from him.
"I still couldn't determine the new location after the boy left the Black House," Severus replied.
"A shame that Dumbledore didn't inform you earlier. Before the school year started, we knew where he was."
"His portrait was waiting," Severus agreed. "But Phineas Nigellus's portrait accompanies them. As soon as Granger opens her bag, he hears their conversations. Eventually, they will betray themselves. I'm sure of that. And until then, I have to prevent Potter's friends from sacrificing themselves to steal the replica."
"Please what?"
"The Weasley girl, Longbottom, and a few others wanted to steal it from my office as well. I have no idea why they thought they could overcome my protective spells."
"Did you... punish them?"
"They got to enjoy the delightful company of Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest. That's punishment enough," Severus said with a mocking grin. "But the Dark Lord has instructed me to take the sword to Gringotts into the vault of the Lestranges."
"And?"
"Fortunately, none of the goblins revealed that it was a forgery. Apparently, they are not loyal enough to the Dark Lord either." Severus scrutinized me.
"And what news do you have?" he asked with a concerned tone.
"The father-in-law of Remus, Ted Tonks, is on the run. Just like most Muggle-born witches and wizards who want to protect their families." My voice trembled. "It's... terrible, Severus. I have to constantly keep a low profile; I can't even visit Alice and Frank because the healers, like Miriam Strout under the Imperius, would immediately betray me. The Order is almost completely crushed."
Severus approached me and knelt in front of me, taking my hands in his.
"It will be over soon, Catherine," he whispered gently.
"But what will it be?" I looked at him. "I don't want to lose you."
"You won't," he said seriously before pressing me to his chest. Under the black frock coat, I heard his heart. I closed my eyes and listened. It beat strongly.
"Let me stay here, Severus. With you," I breathed against his neck. His grip around me tightened.
"Just one night. With you," I pleaded. But I kept my eyes closed, wanting to forget the cold world around us. "Could I feel your skin against mine before I have to say goodbye?"
"It won't be the last time, Catherine. I will never let you go."
"But what if it is, without us knowing?" I asked, now looking directly into his black eyes, which had taken on a strange expression. He knew the truth. He knew that we might not make it.
"The darkness has shaped us, Catherine. It has inflicted scars that will never fade. But maybe, just maybe, we can ignite a light that pierces even the deepest darkness." The words Severus spoke sounded like a quiet prayer.
Then I felt his passionate kiss on my lips. Finally.
Every touch touched something deep inside me, every one of my nerves blazing with desire, lust and need for this man. It was overwhelming that my whole body was shaking.
He picked me up, held me tightly as we continued to kiss. He carried me into an even darker adjoining room before I felt the bed sheets beneath me. I looked around the room for a moment. There was a simple bookshelf, an armchair and a fireplace.
Severus lit it with a wave of his dark wand. The flickering embers immediately cast a warm and radiant glow across the room. And yet I knew Severus was right.
Were we really allowed to do it? Taking our precious time that we needed to develop new magic just to be ourselves?
As if he could sense my worries, Severus appeared behind me and pushed my long hair away before letting feather-light kisses slide down the back of my neck.
"Severus..." I heard the pleasure in my voice as his teeth, tongue and lips brushed against my throat.
The warmth I knew spread from my kissed neck to my toes. And without asking for consequences, I swayed into safety in his arms, which were wrapped tightly around me.