Chapter 13: Guilt!

I was standing in the middle of a road. I looked around in panic. There were barely a few lanterns providing light.

Where the hell was I?

The vibration of my mobile phone startled me. I quickly pulled it out of the back pocket of my jeans.

A call from Jessy...

"Hey Jessy," I answered the call in a friendly manner.

"Hey... Thanks you for talking to me on the phone," she chattered away immediately. "I wanted to be home before it got dark..."

Her words sounded so incredibly familiar to me...

Did I even mention that she could call me?

" Oh man... unbelievable on Cleo and Thomas were going to break into the basement."

Suddenly, the mobile phone in my hand had disappeared. I looked up, irritated.

"I mean... What did those two think they were going to find. There isn't anything in there." she continued into her phone. An oppressive feeling spread through my body. This situation felt so familiar.

"And what if I would be unable to get a hold of them now? Does that mean Phil seriously going to call the police? Damn…It would be the last thing we need-"

This was the moment when Jessy was attacked. I wanted to reach her. But my body didn't obey me. I couldn't even call her name. In the next moment, she was already sitting up again. At first I was relieved, just to see her face covered in blood.

"It's your fault!" she said mechanically and walked towards me. Panic started to rise inside me.

"It's your fault!" she repeated her words as she took her next step.

"It's your fault!" The blood flowed down her face. "It's your fault!"

"I'm sorry..." I whispered.

"It's your fault! Just yours!" said a distorted male voice. Automatically, I turned in the direction where the voice was coming from. He was right next to me.

The man without a face!

"It's all your fault!" he said in his sombre voice. Startled, I looked away.

In front of me was a car which had been involved in an accident after hitting a tree with overspeed. There was smoke coming out of the bonnet. I slowly walked towards it. The driver's door opened automatically. A badly injured Dan looked at me with empty eyes.

"It's your fault!" he said just as mechanically as Jessy had done.

"It's your fault!" Dan and Jessy, who was suddenly standing next to Dan's car, said in synchronisation. Her face was still covered in blood.

"It's your fault! It's all your fault!" said the man without a face next to me in a teasing singsong. I gazed up into the cloudy night sky in despair.

"It's your fault!" Dan, Jessy and the man without a face said in unison.

I wanted to look at them, but I looked at Richy's face. He was smirking at me. In one hand he was holding the mask and in the other a lighter. I couldn't explain why my gaze slid to the floor for a few seconds. There was a shimmering liquid all around us.

Petrol?

My eyes wandered around the area.

I was in the mine!

A click brought my attention back to Richy!

"This is your fault!" he said with a broad grin as he dropped the lighter.

" Just your fault," he said as he disappeared into the sea of flames. Everything around me was consumed by the fire until I stood in a black void.

"It's your fault!" echoed the voices of Jessy, Dan, Richy, Thomas, Cleo and Lilly in an unbearable continuous loop. Until a figure in a black hoodie appeared a few metres in front of me. His hood pulled wide over his face.

"Jake?" I said with relief and reached out my hand to him.

"It's all your fault!" Jake's distorted voice said. "It's all your fault!"

Two FBI agents appeared next to him. I hurried to him. This was my chance to save him. But before I could reach them, the three of them burst into flames.

"It's all your fault!" his distorted voice was filled with hatred.

"I'm sorry." In my despair, I had sunk to my knees. My face was buried in my hands and tears were running down my cheeks.

"It's your fault!" the voices of my friends mocked.

I looked up. They were all standing around me.

Thomas...

Dan...

Jessy...

Lilly...

Cleo...

And Richy...

"It's your fault," said they in synchronisation. They lifted their index fingers in the same way.

"It's your fault! It's your fault! It's your fault! It's your fault!"

Their voices got louder and louder. I pressed my hands against my ears.

" Yeah," I whimpered. Someone pulled their hands away from my ears. I looked up. Right in front of me was the man with no face.

"'You see? They all know! They know it's your fault. They hate you for constantly putting them in danger," he spoke spitefully.

I just looked at him.

Should I disagree with him?

Even if I knew he was right!

"You sent them all into the forest... Sent them to me! And what did you do in the meantime...I'll tell you... Sitting cosily on your couch!... I wonder who the real monster is?"

He couldn't hide his spiteful grin despite the mask. I wanted to look away, but he grabbed my face. His fingers dug into my skin.

"It's your fault!" said the man without a face in Richy's voice. "It's because of you that your friends were attacked in the first place. I told you to stay out of my buisness." His voice distorted with every word.

"I just wanted to help..." I whimpered.

"Lie!" he yelled at me.

"Why are you lying to us, [MC]," Jessy whispered in my left ear. As the man without a face still had a firm grip on my lower jaw, I had no other option than to move my eyes to the left.

I was breathing heavily. Jessy was standing next to me. The blood on her face had dried. Her skin was white as a sheet. All life had drained from her eyes.

The panic got my heart racing.

"After everything you've done to us, don't we at least deserve the truth?" Thomas whispered in my right ear. My eyes wandered frightened to my right. Thomas' skin was also pale as a sheet and all life had gone out of his eyes.

"I..." I started. Unfortunately, my voice failed. In the vague hope of escaping this situation, I closed my eyes. I felt the grip on the man without a face loosen. I opened my eyes hopefully. But the next moment I found myself in the middle of a dark forest. Surrounded by metre-high trees.

All alone...

My breath accelerated. Automatically, my feet carried me deeper into the forest. Disorientated, I took step after step. Panic rose in me with increasing intensity. But my feet didn't want to carry me any longer.

Until something touched my stomach...

My eyes caught sight of an arm clad in a black hoodie. The source of what had pulled me back.

"Jake?" I whispered hopefully.

"No," the distorted voice of the man without a face echoed through the night. " He's dead. It was you who caused his downfall!" I heard his voice in my right ear.

"You are responsible for his death," I heard his voice in my left ear.

"No." I whimpered.

"You can't avoid your guilt forever," the voice echoed through the forest. I caught sight of the gallows rope on the branch of the lone weeping willow.

I swallowed.

"My gift to you!" whispered the man without a face in Richy's voice.

I took a step towards it.

" Time for you to pay the price for your sins."

I stood rooted to the spot.

"You walked into the woods to me."

A shiver rippled through my body.

"You came because you're aware of your guilt," Richy whispered.

I still couldn't move.

"I am able to release you from all your sins."

Tears flowed down my cheek.

" Time to pay the price for your sins." The voice was distorted again, but loving.

"I know..." I breathed.

In the next moment, I stood under the branch of the weeping willow and let the man without a face put the rope around my neck.

"Your fault! ...your fault! ... Your fault," the voices of my friends accused me. I sensed the man without a face tightening the rope around my neck. This made breathing increasingly difficult.

At last, I received the just punishment for my guilt.

For all the suffering I had brought upon everyone!

I closed my eyes.

/…/

All at once, I sat upright in bed. I needed a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. I exhaled with relief. Jessy was sleeping peacefully next to me.

It was just a dream!

Like every night...

But my racing heart refused to comprehend this. I got up on wobbly legs.

I needed fresh air.

Desperately...

I picked up my mobile phone from the nightstand. I walked carefully to the door and opened it as quietly as possible. I closed it again, being careful not to wake Jessy.

I unlocked my screen and opened the torch app. I slipped quietly through the house into the living room. The alcohol left over from the evening's drinking was still on the large table. I lit up the bottles. With a shaky hand, I reached for the three-quarter full Jack Daniel's bottle.

I didn't actually like whiskey.

However, I wasn't interested in the flavour, just the calming effect of the alcohol.

I didn't want to call Phil again in the middle of the night completely in tears. Although he had offered me that three days ago during our conversation. He hadn't reacted annoyed when I'd called him the night before last.

Quite the opposite...

Phil had been as understanding as a human being could be. Nevertheless, I felt like a burden. This feeling intensified when I confided in someone.

I was proud of myself that I had managed to be the best possible version of myself over the last three days. The [MC] that my friends deserved. I also managed to completely block out my negative thoughts in some moments.

In those moments, I was really happy.

But then there were moments like this when I completely lost my grip.

I stopped on my way to the kitchen. My original plan to get a glass for the whiskey suddenly seemed so unnecessary. With the bottle of whiskey in my hand, I crept shakily towards the patio door. Unfortunately, because of the darkness, I overlooked the empty, neatly arranged bottles and touched them with my foot.

In a domino effect, some of them fell over with a loud clang. Panicked, I looked round. I hoped I hadn't woken anyone. I continued on my way, careful not to make any more noise.

Slowly, I opened the sliding glass door. I deliberately kept it open a crack when I closed it. This was not just because I was afraid of causing unnecessary noise again, though I also wanted to get back into the house without any problems at some point.

I closed my eyes briefly inhaling the fresh night air through my nose. I couldn't really define the feeling that flowed through me. Pleasant would probably be the best way to describe it if I was really happy.

I used my smartphone torch to find my way to the seats. Exhausted, I settled down on one of the chairs. I put the bottle of Jack Daniels next to me and switched off the torch light. My eyes didn't take long to adjust to the loss of the light source.

The forest that surrounded our holiday home seemed even more eerie at night.

Still...

I reached for the bottle, opened it and took a big swig of the golden-brown liquid. I grimaced in disgust. Apparently, I had to get through the disgusting taste. I could see it as a punishment for trying to get my hopes up again. Jake would be somewhere in those woods, waiting for me.

I took another sip.

Rationally speaking, it made no sense. If Jake had really escaped the FBI from the mine unharmed, why would he be in the forest?

I brought the bottle to my mouth again.

So it made more logical sense for him to stay at the motel in Duskwood. My next sip finally made me feel the effects of the alcohol. Lilly had already checked. She'd also asked both Mrs Walter and Gray to let her know if anyone matching Jake's description checked into the motel.

Somehow I was jealous that both Lilly and Hannah knew what he looked like. Even if they only knew his younger self. Although I didn't know if Jake kept his face hidden like he had during the video call with me when he'd spoken to Hannah during her kidnapping.

I drank after a sip, then unlocked my screen. Another sip before I opened the chat.

Jake's and my chat...

His words...

"Who's there?" I heard Dan's energetic voice. I flinched, startled.

'It's me,' I squeaked and got up. I carefully opened the patio door.

" Gosh! You scared me," Dan grumbled at me. " What are you doing here anyway? It's the middle of the night."

"I just couldn't sleep," I whispered, gesturing for him to lower his voice so as not to awaken the others.

" Don't rumble around here like that. I thought there was a burglar or something."

"Sorry! It was an accident," I mumbled sheepishly.

I realised that Dan's gaze had been resting on the Jack Daniels bottle in my hand for several seconds.

"I wanted some too before you booze it all away," I joked my excuse.

"I see," Dan said in a tone that made me realise he didn't believe me.

However, I ignored this fact and fetched two glasses from the kitchen. I handed them to him and pushed his wheelchair onto the terrace.

"It's about Hackerboy again, isn't it?" Dan asked when we were outside.

"Jake!" I murmured at him as I poured us the whiskey.

" Just get over that guy. He's gone anyway. " he said as I handed him his glass.

"Dan," I admonished him.

"I'm serious! The guy's not worth it."

"Why is he still being such a pain in the arse for you?" I asked, annoyed, and took a big sip from my glass. Dan watched sceptically. "Have you ever thought about the fact that he took advantage of you?"

I shook my head.

" You see!"

"No, Dan. I meant it definitely wasn't like that."

Honestly, [MC], how can you be so sure? Fact is, this guy is trouble. You should've seen the FBI's presence. They searched for him with helicopters and stuff. Somebody like him can't mean you any good. " he explained his Dan-like conclusions to me.

I rolled my eyes, annoyed.

"Besides, if Hackerman was really serious about you, he would have contacted you a long time ago."

That hit the mark. I stared at Dan.

"So you know I'm right," Dan said with a mixture of triumph and pity. I lowered my eyes.

"You really should rethink your taste in men."

Instead of answering, I took a big gulp of the whisky.

"Bartender boy isn't the right way for you either," Dan continued.

I snorted in annoyance.

" I mean, it's not like we don't notice that you two are texting each other all the time."

I ignored this statement at first and emptied my glass in one gulp. True, Phil and I had exchanged a lot of messages over the last few days. However, this was not to build up romantic feelings. Even if Phil had admitted that there was some interest on his part.

Nevertheless, he had accepted without any hesitation my heart had already been given to someone else. A friendship was better than nothing. Or at least that's what he had told me. Most of all, he showed me that with every message in which he enquired about my well-being. And with every attempt to encourage me that I shouldn't give up hope. After all, according to Phil, no man would abandon a woman like me just like that.

"He's definitely more than just one woman," Dan continued his lecture.

"I may not know what my love life has to do with you, but..." I said, annoyed, as I poured myself another whisky. "Phil and I are just friends."

I took a sip. " So about Jake. Did you ever think that I just don't care that he's wanted by the FBI?" I started drinking again so that I could empty the glass in one go. Slowly, the anaesthetic effect of the alcohol set in.

Finally, it dampened the anger and sadness that had only boiled up more since the conversation with Dan. The only thing I had to do now was to suppress the pain my nightmare had reawakened.

"" You can't be serious!" Dan warned incredulously. "The guy could have done anything!".

Instead of answering, I filled my glass again.

"[MC], what if he just ensnared himself to do something else to you?"

"Dan, that's ridiculous!"

"Is it? I'm reminding you, Hackerboy is wanted by the fucking FBI. You don't get on their list because you stole a packet of chewing gum."

I just shrugged my shoulders.

" And for someone like that, you drink your sorrows away in alcohol."

"At least I didn't crash my car into a tree," I nagged at him belligerently.

I wouldn't claim Dan was wrong, but he was just wrong about it being all Jake's doing. Since talking to Phil, I had realised that I could only bear all the negative experiences because of Jake and the others. With Jake's disappearance, a huge pillar of support had collapsed. However, the earthquakes of guilt followed with the realisation of the waves my investigation had caused.

But who knew if Jake could protect me from that...

This was something Phil had made me realise. He also suggested that I seek professional help. He didn't stop until I assured him that I would think about it. But I didn't see the need. Someone like Hannah, who had actually been through a traumatic experience, needed psychotherapeutic help.

But not me...

After all, I had to blame myself for everything.

Did I deserve any kind of help at all?

My eyes were fixed on the floor, lost in thought. I sipped from my glass, not realising that it was already empty. Nor did I realise that Dan had emptied the Jack Daniels bottle into the flowerbed. So I didn't have another chance to pour myself another drink.

"God, forgive me my sins," he had mumbled as he spoke. I hadn't understood his words, but I had realised that he had said something.

"Huh?" I said and reached for the now empty whiskey bottle. I was disappointed to realise.

"Really, I only want to do the best for you," Dan said gently.

"I know that." I said, "It's just..."

""You love him, I know..."

"No, well, yes, I love him. More than anybody else I've met. However, all I actually meant is that Jake has always been there for me. Whenever all those bad things happened during our investigation, he was there for me. And I'd like to find him. But I don't know how to do that. Tactically and emotionally. Although he's only in trouble because of me."

Dan took a deep breath. "I got it."

I nodded, even though I didn't really believe that I really understood.

"Still, Hackerboy should prepare himself when he turns up here. I'll put him through his paces first."

I giggled: "I'd be surprised if you didn't ."

" But we should slowly go back to sleep. After all, we want to go to Lake Schwarzwasser tomorrow."

"Yes. To be honest, I'm starting to get tired too," I confirmed truthfully.