"I lie here lifeless in this cocoon
Shedding my skin 'cause I'm ready to
I wanna break out, I found a way out
I don't believe that it's gonna be this way
The worst is the waiting
In this world I'm suffocating...
Rebirthing now
I wanna live forever
Wanna live for you and me
Breathe for the first time now
I came alive somehow..."
Inside a pocket dimension of the Astral Plane that was, at the moment, quite literally inside Shadowheart's pocket, a newborn illithid opened its eyes. They were blue, like its host's had been, but the newborn had no way of knowing that since it was unable to see itself from an outside perspective.
What it could see was its hands. It - no… he? Somehow that seemed right, to think of himself this way - lifted one hand experimentally, watching as it moved in response to his command. Three long purple-skinned fingers and a thumb, all ending in pointed black fingernails that could be better described as claws. The back of the hand was slick with a thin coating of mucus and speckled with small red spots. He rubbed at it with the other hand, and the spots went away.
Something about the hand seemed wrong, though. Perhaps the number of fingers? He felt oddly sure that he was supposed to have more fingers than he did. Next, his gaze traveled up the arm attached to the hand, which was a similar shade of mauve, and seemed far longer and thinner than it should have been.
At the shoulder, the arm met a torso, which was covered in a dark cloak that lay wrapped around him. Also wrapped around his body were a series of appendages that uncurled at the mere thought of them, revealing themselves to be tentacles. There were six of them, four relatively short and two that were far longer than the others. That means something, he thought. But what? Even though he had as much feeling in the tentacles as any of his other limbs, they were not fully under his conscious control, still periodically undulating and twitching of their own accord.
He reached out a hand and lifted the cloak that covered him. Underneath it, he could see that the rest of his body was similarly purple and - naked? The illithid had the oddest sense that this wasn't the natural order of things; that he'd been wearing clothing the last time he was conscious. Only - he hadn't ever been conscious before, had he?
We fell asleep here just days ago, said a voice in his mind. I fell asleep here, and you're the one that woke up.
As he continued to look himself over, the newborn realized that he was lying atop a dark green rug laid across a flat expanse of stone. The fabric felt soft underneath him, yet oddly insubstantial. The rug wasn't a uniform green, he realized. It had been stained in spots by more of the red liquid that was also present in droplets and smears along his own skin.
The blurry figure that had been hovering beside the newborn bent over to get a closer look as it saw him begin to stir. The newborn illithid was soothed by the gentle brush of its mind against his own, assuring him that this was another creature like him and that he wasn't alone.
"I see you're awake," it rumbled inside his mind. Unlike the other voice from earlier, this one clearly came from the other illithid. "How are you feeling?"
For some reason, the newborn's first instinct was to reply using his mouth, but he found that he had no lips or tongue to form words. The only sound that issued from his throat was a strangled croak, but luckily before panicking he realized he could speak in another manner.
"I don't know," he said once he'd figured out how to project the words into the other's mind. "What am I supposed to feel like?"
What he did feel, come to think of it, was the oddest sensation of having forgotten something. It was like searching for something just out of reach, a word just on the tip of his nonexistent tongue. If only he could…
"I suppose I'll rephrase the question," sighed the Emperor. "What do you remember?"
Remember.
He'd only been awake for a few minutes, how could he remember -
Oh.
The dam inside his head broke, letting loose a torrent of image that slid past his mind's eye nearly too fast to follow.
Walking through a succession of underground caverns; from narrow crevices to massive open chambers. Some were illuminated only by his own darkvision, but others were lit by torchlight or sickly blue-green bioluminescence…
Falling heavily to the sand with the weight of another body atop him and a pair of hands wrapped around his throat. Staring up at the hundred burning eyes that were fixed upon him from the stands above, unable to move his body, until a will that was not his own made him kick upwards between his opponent's legs…
Leaning back as he sat in the softest, most comfortable chair he'd ever known in his life. So relaxed he began to drift off into sleep, until a scolding female voice made him jump to his feet in surprise and shame as he tried to justify his actions to Eldriss's senior thrall…
The feeling of a tentacle twining itself around a lock of his freshly-styled hair, tugging gently at his scalp while he basked in the warmth of his master's approval…
A much larger tentacle - truly gargantuan in size - descending out of nowhere from the night sky, which had only just begun to lighten from black to navy in the predawn glow…
"Del? Can you hear me?" The voice of the other illithid - the Emperor, he now realized - gave the newborn a lifeline to hold onto as he dragged himself out of the overwhelming flood of memories and back to reality.
A reality that seemed profoundly different than it had just moments before.
He looked down at himself again, but this time the tone of his observations shifted from curiosity to disgust. Not at his body, though it did seem discolored and out of proportion, all strangely elongated limbs and too many tentacles to know what to do with…
No, the disgust came from a more thorough survey of his surroundings. In addition to the bloodstains on the rug, he realized he lay beside a collection of other, more unpleasant organic detritus. The sight of teeth, hair, and a discarded sheet of grayish skin made his guts twist in a painful rush of nausea, and he was gripped with the blind desire to get away from it as fast as possible. If he were human he would have vomited, but he wasn't sure his new physiology would even allow for that.
So instead he rolled away, nearly slamming his body into the Emperor's side. The other illithid was kneeling beside him now, observing him with an expression of concern. The newborn hardly noticed in his rush to remove himself from the evidence of his former self.
Yes – his former self. Ceremorphosis was the name for what had happened to him; he remembered that now. He'd once been a half-drow, half-human man called Jonas, Fido, or Del, depending on who was asking and when. But now he was something else.
Something… better?
Those were his illithid instincts kicking in, assuring him that his current state was an improvement over anything he'd been before, even though he didn't exactly feel better at the moment.
He tried to stand up, but almost immediately collapsed back to the ground in a tangle of long ungainly limbs. Why did something so seemingly simple feel this hard?
"Take a moment - go slowly." The Emperor guided him into a sitting position, thankfully on the bare rock and not the fouled rug that still lay nearby. He followed Del's gaze to the rug and promptly vanished the whole thing with the wave of a hand. So it had been an illusion the whole time… But thankfully everything else went with it when it disappeared. "What happened just then?"
"I remembered," Del - the name did resonate with him to some extent, though he was already thinking of ways to make improvements - said simply. "I saw things from my former life. That's what you wanted, right?"
"What wewanted," the Emperor corrected, concern now coloring his tone. "Of course, I want you to remember everything we've shared." A sense of warmth radiated briefly from him at that thought. " But you too were quite adamant about retaining your sense of identity rather than losing it once again."
"We. Yes, that's what I mean. This is just… a lot. Things are still coming back to me," Del said finally, trying to unpack not only the Emperor's words but all the thoughts and feelings and impressions behind them.
So, the Emperor had wanted Del to retain his memories - which he had. But all the things he'd recalled felt strange to him, as if they'd happened a long time ago or to another person entirely. He was Del, and yet, at the same time he wasn't. A new version of Del, perhaps - an improvement on the previous model, who'd had to deal with human weaknesses such as uncertainty and compassion along with the lingering effects of his enthrallment.
The illithid was already too biased by the memories of his previous life to think up an entirely new name, but Del had known both Common and Undercommon, and Undercommon had a delightful collection of prefixes and suffixes to add onto words and change their meaning…
He could call himself AlurDel, perhaps. 'Better than / Superior to' -Del. That was certainly something to strive for…
"Don't worry," the Emperor said soothingly. "I was quite disoriented for a time after my own ceremorphosis."
Despite his reassurance, something about the Emperor's demeanor rang false to Alurdel. There was an undercurrent of bitterness to his words, and Alurdel instinctively tried to delve deeper and trace the thread of the other illithid's unhappiness back to its source…
I wanted an equal and thisis what I get
never known a reasonable ulitharid before
what will the others say if they realize how he's changed
oh Ansur is this how it was for -
"Stop reading my thoughts when I don't offer them," the Emperor snapped, clamping down on the boundaries of his mind to prevent any further invasion.
Alurdel flinched back as what felt like a door slammed shut between them, causing his tentacles to twitch. He seemed to have the least control of the two longest tendrils as they writhed and twisted with a mind of their own. One of them involuntarily reached out toward the Emperor, and he was forced to grab it back with his own hand. Six tentacles… He remembered what that meant now. How in the Nine Hells had he managed to wake up as an ulitharid?
All of a sudden, it was just too much for Alurdel. His body felt like an ill-fitting outfit he couldn't take off, he was still covered in blood and gore that was drying to a sticky crust on his naked skin, his mind couldn't find the borders between self and other, and on top of it all, the Emperor was angry at him for something he couldn't even fully control?
"I didn't mean to read your mind!" Alurdel retorted at what was probably an unreasonably high 'volume.' " You aren't being fair - I'm still new at this." His tentacles flared out wide, exposing what he felt-knew-remembered would be a jawless mouth ringed with circular rows of sharp teeth.
"Enough - you've made your point," the Emperor said. "Perhaps I'm being too hard on you. I should have realized how sensitive you would be to my thoughts and emotions. In a colony, you would be offered a resonance stone and the companionship of others who have newly awakened. But I suppose you'll have to settle for me as a substitute."
Alurdel took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly, trying to get control of himself. He consciously unclenched his fists, noting with some surprise the way his claws had bent in on themselves rather than leaving half-moon impressions in his skin as expected.
"They'll harden, with time," the Emperor answered his unspoken question.
Alurdel rankled at the intrusion. "But you just said, no listening to private thoughts…"
"Perhaps you should learn to stop broadcasting them, then - Alurdel.I can teach you how to shield your mind from myself and others of my - our - kind. Even with Orpheus's power, it will be difficult to resist the call of the Absolute during the trials ahead, so you may as well start practicing now."
The strangest mixture of emotions suffused the Emperor's voice as he mentioned the Absolute. Somehow, that single word held all the connotations of parent-master-danger-enemy, with all the contradictions they entailed.
"Since I left my colony, I've grown unused to being around other illithids," the Emperor mused. "There, it was commonplace to skim the surface of one another's thoughts at all times. We stratified our minds into layers - those thoughts that were verbalized, those that were considered acceptable for others to read, and then our private desires beneath the surface. I will admit, I'm a little alarmed by the ease with which you delved so deeply into mine. But… perhaps we've talked long enough. Can you stand?" The Emperor stood up smoothly himself and offered Alurdel a hand.
With the Emperor's help, Alurdel managed to get to his feet and stay upright this time, greeting the elder illithid at eye level on his own two wobbly legs. He felt oddly light, as if he might float away at any moment.
Eye level? he wondered, trying to reconcile the strange perspective with Del's memories of always looking up at the Emperor's face. That must mean he was actually taller than the Emperor now, since the other illithid was levitating a few inches in the air and Alurdel himself stood flat on the ground.
Alurdel cleaned the remnants of blood off his skin as best as he could using rags that he suspected had been taken from the clothing of Orpheus's honor guard. Between being subjected to battle and ceremorphosis, Del's old clothing had proven too damaged and dirty to salvage.
After he was as clean as he could get, Alurdel watched in fascination as the Emperor willed illusory clothing into being on his body. The robes seemed solid upon a brief touch, but when he really concentrated, he could feel the bare skin of his own arm beneath them in another layer of perception. It felt like a piece of the Emperor was with him now, wherever he went – as if he was wearing the other illithid's presence in a thin layer over his body.
Though the robes themselves were less decorated and dramatic than the Emperor's own, Alurdel decided he liked them. He generally felt far better after being clean and clothed… Aside from the gnawing sensation in the pit of his stomach. It had started out subtle, but by now he was far more than a little peckish. He felt as if his body had been hollowed out, which in a sense it had; consuming itself to fuel the change that had turned his former self into the illithid he was now.
But based on Del's memories, Alurdel and the Emperor were the only living beings in the Astral Prism aside from Orpheus, the Githyanki prisoner whose power was the only thing keeping them from being enthralled by the Absolute and who thus was off the menu…
"Ah," said the Emperor, briefly tapping into Alurdel's senses to get an idea of what was worrying him. " I anticipated that you might wake up hungry. I've saved something for you." Without word or gesture but only a touch of his mind, he beckoned for Del to follow.
Alurdel trailed after the other illithid, trying to get used to walking with his two-toed feet and exceedingly long legs. The Emperor hovered ahead of him, making levitation look easy.
Out of curiosity, Alurdel tried to will his own body upward. He envisioned his telekinesis as another limb, much like an arm or leg or tentacle. But, like his tentacles, it was a limb he didn't yet have full control over. He managed to lift himself into the air, but was unable to figure out how to move forward without losing focus and dropping back down to the ground.
This whole thing was so frustrating. The half-illithid version of himself had but a fraction of his powers, and yet could somehow manage them better. This was like learning to walk, then having to start over from crawling again before being able to run. Alurdel let out what he thought to be a frustrated groan, but it ended up as more of a huff punctuated by a chittering click. Ah, right - illithids didn't have vocal cords.
"Impressive," the Emperor commented. "From what I've seen in the colony, levitation is a feat that few can manage on their own so soon after ceremorphosis, especially if they have not yet fed for the first time."
"The newborns under Moonrise managed it just fine," Alurdel said petulantly, recalling one of Del's more recent memories.
"They were under the Absolute's direct influence," the Emperor dismissed. "The Elder was supplying them with instruction and psionic power. Rest assured, you're already quite advanced for one so new." Was that the barest hint of jealousy behind his words?
Despite his compliments, the Emperor still didn't trust Alurdel's levitation skills enough to allow him to cross the gaps between floating boulders unaided. Alurdel could feel the Emperor's invisible sphere of influence extend outward and surround his own body. He didn't struggle as the other illithid lifted him into the air, instead trying to understand how the Emperor was doing it. The Emperor's telekinesis was like… A mage hand, similar to the one Gale liked to use, except completely invisible and not locked into a specific form.
"Your instincts are correct," the Emperor lectured as they crossed between the enormous fossilized bones that hung like hundreds of floating islands inside the Astral Prism. "Levitating our own bodies is an innate action, but you must visualize the extension of your power clearly to lift another."
Several such lectures later, they arrived at their destination: A large oblong stone whose curved surface suggested the arch of an upside-down foot. Lying in the hollow of the rock was a middle-aged Githyanki man, unconscious but not visibly injured or restrained in any way.
"What did you do to him?" Alurdel asked, more curious than alarmed. As he contemplated the unconscious Githyanki, the hunger rose up again within him. The man's head was shaved, as was common for his kind. The green skin of his scalp glistened like a ripe sunmelon, even striped to resemble one… Alurdel's mouth watered at the thought.
The Emperor gave the mental equivalent of a shrug. "Stunned with a mind blast, then commanded him to go into a state of deeper sleep. I have returned periodically, to refresh the command. Even a Githyanki can go for a long time here without needing to eat or drink, so he can stay like this near-indefinitely. I have been saving him for you."
Alurdel hesitated for just a moment, trying to probe how he felt about the thought of killing a sentient being in such a manner. Disgust and reluctance would be the correct answers, but… There was surprisingly little of that. Honestly, even his former self had struggled to feel the appropriate degree of horror at the thought of an illithid consuming a brain. Del had witnessed the act too many times while under the influence of mental suggestion that erased most of his natural aversion to it.
"I understand," the Emperor said. "I am glad that it was you and not one of the others who transformed. I shudder at the thought of having to deal with a reluctant illithid."
The part of Alurdel that wanted the elder illithid's approval preened at the unspoken complement. "So…" he said as he approached his intended victim. "How do I do this?"
The Emperor radiated amusement. "I would think you, of all people, have seen an illithid feed. Use your imagination."
Rather than imagination, he invoked memory. With just a thought, scenes from his past self's life flashed before his mind's eye.
A member of the party that had captured his own in the Underdark cracking open Winren's skull right in front of him…
The Abysmal Creed members who occasionally visited the holding pen along with Nourishers to keep the prisoners in line, taking a rebellious man right in front of the others to teach them proper respect…
Eldriss making Del persist for, and then clean up after, many of their meals…
Alurdel hissed audibly at the assault of dozens of memories, digging his claws into the sides of his head to dislodge the unwanted images. The more he considered his time as a thrall in a past life, the more foreign the memories felt. It was hard to reconcile him, now, with that pathetic creature who once groveled at his master's feet.
No more, he assured himself. Never again. You're at the top of the food chain now.
To avoid ruining the impression of power by testing his questionable telekinesis again, Alurdel grabbed the Githyanki by the shoulders and physically pulled him up to eye level. The man's limp body felt lighter than it should have been, and Del realized that he was unconsciously using his psionics to lighten the load.
And then, with the Githyanki's shaved head in front of him, instinct took over. He really needn't have worried, because his new body knew exactly what to do.