A/N: Operation Awesome all in one chapter. Lots of scenes without Sarah, including my favorite Buy More sub plot with Fight Club. My own theories about Shaw and the Intersect here, with nothing in canon to contradict it. A few things that popped up when I re-watched in greater detail-Shaw's plan was for Chuck and Devon to be there, however it may have seemed to have been improvised. Sarah is clobbered in that fight with Sydney-important to the plot, but still...Chuck comes out of hiding in the back room because he's worried about Sarah. Why does Sarah call his name and distract him? It gets worse next time with Hannah. Ugh. Watch for Chapter 4 of Once and Again tomorrow.

Daniel Shaw.

I can no longer say his name without vitriol, without a cold hatred that has the power to consume me if I let it.

It wasn't always that way. I'd like to think my initial impression of him was just wrong. That somewhere beyond what I could see, there was always a dark evil waiting to emerge.

With a clear-thinking head, I know that's not true. A man like Shaw couldn't do what he did—serve his country with honor for ten years, become a special agent for the CIA, with that evil present.

Evil is not something that exists, that can be explained. It is a contradiction. Evil is evil because it is the absence of good. It fills a vacuum.

The very characteristics that make a man a good spy make him a questionable human being. It's learning to live with that dichotomy that keeps agents sane. An imbalance of emotions, just enough to shift equilibrium, and that vacuum opens. There comes a point when it is too wide to close, no matter what you do.

I was on the way to that when I met Chuck. The real fear in me of Chuck becoming a spy was for this same reason. Chuck figured it out, on his own, how to navigate that minefield and emerge unscathed. With me on his back, no less.

Shaw let his own emotions destroy him. His vacuum grew so wide he attempted to suck all of us down into it with him.

Like those epic comic book battles between good and evil—Chuck and Shaw fought. Chuck won, after an enormous cost.

This mission, after Devon was taken by the Ring, was what brought Shaw into our lives.

Nothing would ever be the same.

You see, Daniel Shaw was my number three, the last man I was with before I was with my husband. It was short lived, our little tryst, about as unspectacular as could be.

While it was happening, it was merely a disappointment. A few uncomfortable rounds of unsatisfying sex, an experience I'm sure I share with many. Now it is abhorrent repulsion. It was consensual at the time, but my memory has warped the experience and now I recall it as if it were a violation, a self-permitted rape.

I gave my body away to the man who killed Chuck's father in cold blood just so Chuck was forced to watch him die; who almost took from me the thing that mattered most in my life.

I hate the man. If I was allowed near him again, I could kill him with my bare hands. It is only with the grace that I have learned from my husband that I don't. Chuck had every opportunity to extract revenge on Shaw, but he didn't. Chuck knew Shaw would still win if he could goad Chuck into killing him out of anger. Chuck was always the better man, even on his worst day.

I'm just sorry that I let him that close to me. But I was in that free fall I spoke of, crazed from a desperation caused by loss that I just couldn't manage.

The uneasy truce Chuck and I called right before Devon was taken was on such tenuous ground. Shaw's arrival derailed the progress we had made.

And make no mistake–everything that happened to Devon was allowed to happen by Shaw, working in tandem with General Beckman. She knew about everything beforehand. In her defense, as I learned much later, she tried to convince Shaw to read us in completely, but he refused. As a special agent for the CIA, Shaw had tremendous autonomy in the field, and because Beckman was NSA and there was no official director of the CIA yet (the latest presidential appointee was stalled in the confirmation process), her say was not the final word.

I have no hard evidence to prove this, but based on everything that I knew and everything that occurred, I believe Shaw was sent for two reasons. He was the utmost expert on the Ring that the intelligence community had, and that had been our major task as assigned by Beckman when she put Operation Bartowski back into the field. However, the placement of the U.S. government's most secret, deadly weapon, into Chuck Bartowski's head was a major setback in the development as intended.

Bryce had only hinted at it to me. Somehow, it was an extension of Omaha–the ultimate spy, killing machine extraordinaire. All of the skills added to the basic structure of the Intersect enhanced its functionality for that purpose. No one could ever sufficiently explain to us why Chuck's emotions interfered with the Intersect function. My theory now is this: the Intersect was designed to work in someone who could function without emotions, without a conscience. The way that most spies were, the way that I used to be. If Bryce had survived, he would have been uploaded with that program, perfecting what was already there. He knew how to put the mission first and not let his feelings interfere. Or more importantly, his brain would be permanently formatted to resist emotions in decision making.

I know this because I saw it–once the NCS got their hands on the Intersect code, they modified the program to work better in this area. Under the spell of this Intersect, Victoria Dunwoody lost control of her rational thought process and became an automatic killing machine. It was frightening to observe. But no one besides Chuck who ever uploaded the Intersect ever achieved mastery over it. Chuck's brain was just special. Chuck's brain had the power to shut down the Intersect when his emotions were engaged, the exact opposite of what the program was intended to do.

Beckman interpreted that shutting down as a defect in Chuck, when it was actually proof of his ultimate mastery. It's a key distinction that we learned over time.

So after I told Chuck that we knew Devon had been taken, standing outside his door, hugging him, Ellie came up behind us and asked us if we had seen her husband. I pulled away from Chuck like I had been doing something I hadn't wanted her to see, but I think she may have been too worried to pay close attention.

Chuck lied to her like a real pro, betraying almost nothing though I know he was horrified on the inside. I felt that little flash of unease knowing his skills of deception were improving, and worse, that I was part of why he was getting better. I never wanted to be the reason he was ever being less than he really was. Chuck hated lying, and yet, his chosen profession was to lie to everyone, all the time.

She told us he was due home, but he was late, and she had tried to call him but continuously got no answer. Chuck said he hadn't heard, but he would see if he could figure out what was going on.

I told him Beckman knew, and that there were teams assigned to locate him. I told him he should try and get some rest, but he was wired, unable to even think about sleep. He went to Castle instead, which was counterproductive. He was so nervous, so anxious, and so guilty for involving his family in his spy life that he paced all night long, muttering to himself. It was distracting to both Casey and I while we were trying to work.

A sleepless night only fueled his anxiety in the morning. Casey had had enough and told him to just go to work at the Buy More and we would call him when we had news. He didn't go right away, still freaking out and worrying about his sister. There was the chance that soon, Ellie would call the police and report him missing, though it hadn't been a full 24 hours and the police never acted for able-bodied adults on less than 24 hour absences. We had some time, but not much. Once she called the police, the possibility of her (and her husband) being taken into protective custody, which was a worst case scenario for Chuck, increased. We wanted to avoid that.

Even while he was working, Chuck called me several times. I let it ring and let him leave a message. I had tried to help him calm down, but nothing was working. Eventually, Casey told me there was enough evidence that they were certain, Devon had been taken by the Ring.

I had to tell Chuck, so I left Castle and went to the Buy More. When I walked in, I saw Chuck, speaking heatedly in Thai to a customer, telling the customer his brother-in-law had been kidnapped. No one else there but the woman spoke Thai, but I knew enough that I knew what he said. What if Jeff or Lester had understood that? Chuck was losing control, and it scared me, Beckman's words from before coming back to me. Jeff and Lester were irritating him, and Chuck snapped, flashing, knocking Lester to the ground with a roundhouse kick.

I had to get Chuck away from there!

I pulled him towards the exit of the store to tell him the last patient Devon saw was definitely a Ring operative. He freaked out worse. I was in the process of trying to calm him down again when Devon stumbled through the door right behind us.

Chuck grabbed him in a hug. Devon looked at me over Chuck's shoulder. He had never looked the way he looked then, or at me. He was overwrought, terrified, but there was this level of commiseration there, a new, trialed by fire appreciation of what I did for a living. What Chuck was choosing to do. It was less relieving than it could have been because of that.

Devon told us the Ring thought he was a spy. He believed they had mistaken Devon for Chuck. It was a possible theory, although it wasn't true. We found out later–the Ring had been fed falsified information by Shaw and his task force.

We brought Devon to Castle and contacted Beckman right away. She had information. They identified the Ring cell leader who had taken him. Devon told us she knew everything about him, which led us to believe their surveillance had been intense. It made me concerned that we hadn't detected it. Granted, we were more concerned with Chuck, but his sister moving to a new apartment expanded our surveillance area. We had missed a lot, it seemed.

Beckman told us the NSA had developed a way to crack the Ring communication device. Chuck wanted to take Devon home, but Beckman told him he had to wait to hear the plan about how we would use Devon. This was turning into Chuck's worst nightmare.

He was arguing with Casey and Beckman, Devon freaking out in the background. I was thinking, my mind racing, looking for a way out. Chuck called me out for my silence, and I bristled.

I had to tell Chuck it was the only way to keep him safe. To create a situation that we controlled in order to capture the Ring operative. I tried to reassure Devon that he wasn't alone, we were here to help him, to get him through it. Once I said that, Chuck stopped protesting. I felt a little bloom of warmth in my chest, knowing that despite everything, Chuck still trusted me. He promised Devon he would get him through it.

Chuck took him home, prepared to face his sister.

I worked a little more in Castle, then I went back to my hotel to get some sleep. I had a feeling that the evening would require our attention, and two sleepless nights in a row wouldn't do anyone any good.

I woke up in the late evening and went straight to Casey's, where we had decided to regroup. Chuck was still frantic, pacing, not sure he knew what to do. I tried to tell him he was acting as Devon's handler, like I had been for him, and that he should remember that. Chuck needed to help Devon the way I helped him. He didn't have a lot of confidence in himself, and Casey's constant ribbing didn't help. I had to support him the best I could.

Devon knocked on the door to tell us that Sydney had just called. She had left a package on Devon's front step, similar to the information packets that agents received in the field. She called on the Ring communication device. She instructed him to put on the earpiece and watch she had left for him. She then instructed him to be at the Crystal Towers in an hour. Casey and I had been nodding along with Chuck, thinking his following her directions was the plan of action.

She told us the earpiece was rigged to explode if Devon removed it. He almost pulled it out; I had to warn him not to.

We couldn't have known that, and truth be told, his defying that order would have been more dangerous. Still, I felt badly for putting him in such a dangerous position. I could tell Chuck felt worse.

We followed Devon to Crystal Towers with the spy van. Devon was fitted with devices to communicate with us, separate from his communication with Sydney. The plan was to track Sydney. As soon as we got a lock, we were bringing her in, and Devon was done. I told him again, just so he knew it was almost over.

She called, ordering Devon to the 12th floor of the building. The call duration was too short and Casey couldn't get a lock. He told us we needed to receive another call, which meant Devon had to navigate the building security to get to the penthouse. I started to worry, knowing that was probably more than we had anticipated him needing to do.

Chuck wouldn't let him go alone. That bravery of his that I so admired shone through. He stopped freaking out and took control, assuring Devon he wasn't alone. Armed only with a tranq gun, Chuck followed Devon into the building.

Chuck called us once they had reached the 12th floor, only to tell us they had entered a CIA facility. At the same time, Casey's tracker pinpointed Sydney's location. She was walking right past the van. The minute we moved to apprehend her, the van went into lockdown. We were locked in and communications were cut off.

Beckman appeared on the monitor, telling us to stand down. I told her what Chuck had told me about it being a CIA facility, that this was a set up. She was fully aware.

I had never been angrier at her. Casey was as well, I believe the term he used was "tear-ass." The plan, all along, was to get Devon and Chuck isolated inside the building with Sydney. We had become pawns in someone else's game. Always a possibility when you were beholden to the U.S. government, but with Chuck's family intentionally endangered, I was incensed.

And we had no choice but to sit still in the van and wait.

After about ten minutes, the lockdown was discontinued. Chuck told me over the com about everything that had happened–Sydney had sent Devon there to kill someone. The man, an agent named Daniel Shaw, had shot himself and taken a drug that made it appear his heart had stopped. Devon was released, Sydney believing what had appeared to transpire. I thought, but didn't say, they were lucky she didn't make sure he was dead and put a bullet in his head. A lot of planning could go awry; we could only do the best we could and not everything could be in our control. Shaw had left instructions for how to revive him.

Chuck and Devon were back at the van, Devon applying pressure to a gunshot wound in Daniel Shaw's shoulder. He knew who we were, which was unnerving. He told Casey to bring us all back to Castle. Casey bristled at the order, but Shaw told him he was in charge, and to do it.

I seethed once I realized what this Shaw had done. He knew Chuck would be there, having memorized all of our files and knowing Chuck would never abandon his family. He hadn't wanted to shoot himself, hoping Chuck could do it in a pinch, but he did it anyway, knowing as long as the doctor was there, he could be revived. Chuck alone couldn't have completed the mission, and yet, neither could Devon. We played right into his hands and I hated it.

Back in Castle, Beckman briefed us about Shaw. She told us he had been working against the Ring for the past five years and that he had complete control over any mission involving the Ring. I choked on that, realizing how much more complicated our situation had become. I was indignant, feeling betrayed. Why would Beckman allow this? Our track record in the field wasn't good enough?

She allowed it because she believed Shaw was the key to turning Chuck into the Intersect they wanted, not what he had become.

Shaw had compiled dossiers that he handed out to us. Shaw's plan was to use Devon again to get Sydney. His hope was to contain Devon's identity.

If he wanted Sydney to begin with, why let her go, only to have to use Devon again? That didn't make sense until I realized not only did he want the Ring to think he was dead, but he wanted to see if Chuck could shoot him.

Chuck was insistent that Devon no longer be involved. I had to remind him that as long as Sydney was alive, Devon wasn't safe. No amount of us talking could convince him.

Shaw asked him if he had an alternative plan.

He did, eventually, but he didn't tell anyone what it was. Chuck wasn't ready to trust Shaw, probably with good reason, but he was working off of an old rule book that no longer applied now that we weren't asset and handler, but trainer and trainee.

Casey and I stayed in Castle with Shaw, reading through the extensive dossiers he had prepared. We were tasked with creating a plan to utilize Devon in order to capture Sydney. I never noticed that when Chuck left Castle, he had the Ring phone with him.

I found out when he called me and told me he had called Sydney and told her to come to the Buy More. He said she was there, right as I was talking to him. He wanted Casey and I to come to the rescue. It would have been a good plan…if he was still the Intersect 1.0. He wasn't used to the new dynamic, and certainly not to Shaw being in charge.

Shaw took the phone from my hand and told Chuck he had acted stupidly. I looked at Casey in horror as I heard Shaw tell Chuck if he started something on his own, he needed to be able to finish it on his own. He hung up on Chuck.

We argued with him. I told Shaw that Chuck could panic and then the Intersect wouldn't work. I used the phrase "perform properly," which got a crude reply from him about hearing that happened to lots of guys, or so he heard. What a pig, I thought.

We watched it go badly pretty quickly. Shaw thought we should have faith, let him handle it alone. I planned on charging out of there with my gun, but Shaw held both Casey and me there, at gunpoint, refusing to let us help. He was testing Chuck? Really?

Chuck was really in trouble. I ran to go upstairs, daring Shaw to shoot me. Casey actually covered me so he wouldn't. Then he joined me. Casey took out the henchmen and told me to go find Chuck.

I heard gunshots and ran into the back room. I engaged Sydney, kicking the gun from her hand. I don't know what happened during that altercation, other than it had been some time since I had engaged in hand to hand combat with a woman, or someone closer to my own height and weight. Seems strange, but I was used to fighting much bigger men, using their body weight against them. Nothing worked as well with Sydney, and once I lost the upper hand, I couldn't get it back.

I kicked and missed and she plowed me down through a metal rack and down into a pile of boxes. I hit sharp edges with my back and the wind was knocked out of me. In a haze of pain, I kept telling myself to get up, Chuck was in danger, but I couldn't make my arms and legs obey. I lost consciousness for a few seconds, long enough for Chuck to emerge from his hiding place–because he was afraid Sydney was going to kill me. He just might have saved my life, all things considered.

I finally came to, got on my feet. I saw Chuck through the door on the loading dock, holding a gun, probably pointed at Sydney. I called his name, which was stupid, because I distracted him and he was unsteady with the gun to begin with.

If Shaw hadn't shot her in the back when he did, she would have killed Chuck with the knife we found in her hand…because he couldn't shoot first, and because I had distracted him.

Shaw, not Beckman, called a meeting in Castle after Casey alerted the cleaners to come to the Buy More. It turned into a lecture about liabilities and following protocol. He really got under my skin.

Chuck, pretty defiantly, told Shaw that nothing was more important to him than his friends and his family. Shaw told him having emotional attachments meant there were things that could be used against us. He wasn't wrong–over and over again, Chuck knew this and it continued to be true. Once an enemy found an emotional vulnerability in his life, they used it. Morgan, Ellie, Devon…me.

Shaw called me Chuck's partner in the middle of his scolding session.

Casey had always been my partner when I was protecting Chuck. Was Chuck my partner now? Shaw seemed to think so. Just the word stirred something deep inside me, and against my better judgment, I defended Chuck with a sharp retort.

"Sometimes it helps to know that you've got something to lose."

Before, making sure I didn't lose Chuck had been the only reason I woke up in the morning. It would still be, even if the shape of it had changed.

Shaw didn't like that I said that. I felt Chuck looking at me, but I kept my gaze forward until Shaw walked away. Chuck didn't say anything, but when I finally turned to look at him, his eyes were glassy with unshed tears, gratitude on his face for my defense of him.

It was the most positive emotional interaction I had with him since he had returned from Prague.

When I got home, I got an invitation from Chuck to come to his place that night for dinner. He and Morgan were having Ellie and Devon over for dinner to celebrate Morgan's promotion to Assistant Manager at the Buy More. I might not have accepted it but for that interaction just before. But I had told Chuck we could be friends; I had to start somewhere.

Casey and I went together. I greeted Ellie at the door. She was gracious and sweet, obviously supportive of our situation after the night at the Costa Gravan Consulate. I smiled a little shyly at Chuck, feeling everyone's eyes on me. The night had the potential to be awkward, but I didn't want it to be.

I hadn't interacted with Morgan at all since he was back other than that quick hello in the Buy More before Javier took Chuck and me to Mexico. I knew Morgan thought Chuck and I were just friends, but living with Chuck, he also knew Chuck had been away at night and there was no real explanation for it anymore, other than for him to think Chuck and I were still having sex, just not as a couple. The whole thing was weird, but fortunately Morgan was respectful enough to not mention it at all. He really had matured.

"Hi," he said quietly.

"Hi," I said back, tucking my hands in my front pockets, afraid I would forget myself and touch him.

"It wouldn't have been the same without you, so I'm really glad you made it."

"Me too." I was.

His smile, even though it was just a grin, lit up his eyes. I had to look away, walk away, feeling myself close to blushing.

I sat at my usual seat at the table, chatting with Morgan and Ellie. Everyone was happy. It felt nice. It felt like I was home again. I didn't realize how much I had missed it until just then.

I looked to see Chuck, just standing there, looking at all of us, this very contented look on his face. I knew what he was thinking–about what Shaw had said about his friends and family. He stood there in pleasant defiance, taking in everything that mattered to him in one place, gathered around the table.

I had to look away, afraid my emotions would get the better of me.

It wasn't lost on me that I was included in that. He thought of me that way, even after everything. We were ok.

If only I could have frozen time…for it was about to get darker very quickly.