Over the next couple of days Gretchen received mixed results on her placement tests. She had done well on the hard science, protocol, and tactical portions, but not so well in life or social sciences. After a long deliberation she had decided to take Integrated Biology II, Earth History: First Contact to Present, Classic Earth Literature, and Alpha Quadrant Cultures I for her academic classes. They were all subjects she had had little exposure to on Voyager. She had been disappointed to see there were no dance options for her fitness requirement, but she had been assured that Modern Sports and Games was a campus favorite.

Time passed at Starfleet Academy, or wherever in fact, Gretchen was. It was strange, exciting and nerve racking, lonely and connected all at the same time. She was living this life as if it were real, but she still had all the memories and habits of her lifetime spent on Voyager.

Even weeks later, the unfamiliarity of Academy life was still disorienting. The buildings were all separate from each other, and she had to walk between, in the outside with the wide blue sky above her. There were plants and flowers everywhere, and she could smell and touch them. The campus was huge and she was one of thousands of students. She passed more faces in a day now, than she had seen in her entire life.

Cadet Kathryn Janeway, her cadet liaison, was helping her get used to the Academy's rhythm of lectures, labs, and study. However Kathryn was one of the most disorienting parts of Academy life.

This Kathryn Janeway was young, a 21-year-old still outgrowing her baby face. She had long auburn hair which she wore half up like Gretchen often did.

But what was most different was not her face or hair, but her presence.

For Gretchen's entire life, her mother had had an indefinable aura about her, commanding, responsible, and reassuring. Crew members snapped to attention and demons ran in fear when Captain Kathryn Janeway entered the room.

That was the only Kathryn Janeway Gretchen had known. Here the cadet was a bright student in a room full of other bright students. She stood out, but only as a star pupil, not as an officer who Gretchen was sure could intimidate Kahless himself.

Gretchen was not certain how she felt about her mother's transformation and sudden fallibility.

This afternoon Kathryn was even late to their only shared class, Biology II, where they were lab partners. Gretchen finally started the lab without her.

"I'm so sorry," said Kathryn, a half hour later, sliding into her stool, hair frazzled and red faced, "My father called me all the way from the Tau Ceti System. The Tau Aurora Borelias is amazing and he didn't want me to miss it."

"Tau Ceti?" asked Gretchen, stomach clenching as she recognized the name.

"Yes," said Kathryn smiling, and then turning to click on her computer to look at their current lab results, "Starfleet does a lot of testing out there and he's overseeing some. He wants me to join him this summer when I graduate."

It won't be this summer. Came Gretchen's thoughts immediately.

But he won't forget. It'll be two years from now.

He'll die there. You won't be able to save him.

If anything, you'll cause his death.

Gretchen stared at the younger woman, and did not realize it until Kathryn glanced away from the computer and back at her.

What this Kathryn wants most is to work with her father.

To make him proud.

"Are you alright?"

What do you do when what you want most is impossible?

Gretchen blinked at Kathryn.

At the innocent face of her mother. This kind, clever, beautiful woman, who had no idea what was coming.

This isn't the past. You can't change anything.

Kathryn was clenching her arm now, and looking at her intently. It was the most Gretchen had seen her look like her future self.

Gretchen shook her head violently to clear it and moved away.

"I'm alright," she said, and looked at the computer, willing herself to focus on the lab.

Kathryn did not mention it again during the class, but when they were walking back to the dorms after dinner she stopped suddenly in the rose garden.

"I'm sorry you know, I'm just sorry," Kathryn said awkwardly, reaching her hand out and touching Gretchen's arm again.

"For what?" asked Gretchen, turning to her.

"Whatever you were thinking about when you looked at me at the lab this morning. They told me you'd been through a lot. I'm sorry."

"What did they tell you?"

Kathryn looked awkward again, and spoke slowly, "That you were the last survivor of your ship. Nothing really other than that. Not that that isn't enough."

"I thought you might know something. I'm surprised you didn't mention anything before," said Gretchen evenly.

Kathryn looked at her meaningfully, "Sometimes people don't want to talk about it. I didn't know how you felt. If you came here for a new start."

"I'm not sure I want a new start," said Gretchen quietly, looking away, "As much as I know I need one."

"I didn't really know who was on the ship," Kathryn continued slowly, as Gretchen looked up at the sky, "But it was your family, wasn't it?"

Gretchen nodded slightly and Kathryn spoke again after a moment, breathing out, "Was no one left?"

"No," said Gretchen, "Well," she corrected herself, glancing at Kathryn, "It's a very strange situation. I didn't lose as much as I thought at first…..but still," she said slanting her head even farther upwards, "…it's enough to have lost."

Kathryn gripped her upper shoulder, and then let the touch fall awkwardly.

Gretchen's heart clenched gratefully, but a moment later she ached for her actual mother.

Whose touch was confident, and who always knew what to say.

Why do I always miss people who aren't there?

Gretchen sighed, she knew she could not go home yet. Perhaps she never could go home.

She began walking again, and Kathryn followed her. As they were about to part outside the dorm buildings Kathryn stopped her again.

"Would you like to go home with me at the end of next week?" asked Kathryn suddenly.

"What?" said Gretchen in surprise.

"It's Family Day on Friday," said Kathryn, smiling, "We get an extra day off. A rare commodity at the Academy, I assure you. First years have to have their family visit here, but everyone else is allowed to leave. I've been thinking about asking you if you want to visit us then. My parents, my sister, and I live on a real Earth farm. It's in Indiana, the American Midwest."

Does she never have new ideas? Thought Gretchen sourly, remembering all the times her mother on Voyager had tried to get her excited about the family farm.

"I don't think I want to," replied Gretchen, a little curtly, "Thanks anyway."

"Ah, well, if you change your mind," said Kathryn, who nodded awkwardly, looking down for a moment.

"I like campus," said Gretchen, softening her tone, "I'd just like to stay here."

"Of course," said Kathryn, smiling at her with understanding, though Gretchen could tell she was disappointed, "I'll bring you back some of my mother's cookies."

"Thanks," said Gretchen, smiling at her gently. She waved goodnight and they parted.

Gretchen walked up the steps to her Quarters, breathing out once she got there.

I don't want to meet your family.

I don't even know who I am. I don't need them telling me.

I don't need them rejecting me and taking your side.

Stupid Starfleet family.

Gretchen groaned in frustration, and fell onto her bed.

She pressed her face into her pillow and thought for a long time. She was surprised to realize she really did like campus. It was becoming a place she could be herself.

As strange as that thought was.