Time continued to pass, the diplomatic summit ended, and soon mid-term and its challenging tests were approaching.
"I was wondering if you wanted to go with me to the Vulcan exhibit this Saturday," asked Kathryn, as they left Admiral Patterson's final study session.
Studying for the exams had kept Kathryn, and to a lesser extent Gretchen, very busy. Between that and Edward Janeway's visit, they had seen little of each other in recent weeks.
"I thought you were leaving for Indiana this Saturday, to spend Fall Break at the farm?" asked Gretchen.
"I am," said Kathryn, "But I can take a shuttle later that day. They're closing the exhibit soon, if I don't go now, I don't think I'll ever be able to."
"Alright," said Gretchen, "I used to do Vulcan meditation a lot. It should be interesting."
"Great," said Kathryn, "Have you decided what you're going to do for Mid-Term Break?"
"Garden a little," said Gretchen, "And sleep, and maybe advance a bit in my classes."
"Sounds a little boring," said Kathryn, in a casual voice that Gretchen immediately suspected, "Of course I might end up bored myself. Phoebe isn't going to be home this time. She always has been before. But now she's a freshman at art college and our breaks don't line up. I'll just be passing an empty bedroom."
Gretchen knew Kathryn was looking for an opening to extend an invitation. It was very popular to invite friends home for the week, especially if they lived too far away to go home themselves. Kathryn had yet to officially ask Gretchen to the farm again, but she had been hinting around for days.
"Maybe I'll find something more interesting to do on campus," said Gretchen, not taking the bait, "And I'm sure Indiana won't be that bad for you. I'd better get back to studying," she added, as they made it to the dorms.
"Alright," said Kathryn, nodding, "I have a lot to do too,"
"I know," said Gretchen. waving her goodbye. Gretchen knew Kathryn was going for 100 percent in her infamously hard Fractal Calculus class.
And every class, thought Gretchen. I obviously didn't inherit her ambition. I'll never be great, like the Janeways.
But that's the least of my problems.
Next Saturday came and Kathryn and Gretchen entered the designated building, both excited to have an outing together after their long studies.
"This is…a lot more than I was expecting," said Gretchen, as she turned her head upwards to see the huge, 5-story banner in the entryway of Starfleet Academy's most impressive exhibit hall.
"It is," said Kathryn, sounding awed.
"Let's start at the bottom and work our way up," said Kathryn, rushing eagerly for the first exhibit room.
Although Kathryn was not a cultural studies major, she was a dyed in the wool Starfleet kid, and she studied every plaque in the exhibit with genuine interest, occasionally making commentary to Gretchen.
"The Vulcans are one of the most influential cultures in the Federation," read Kathryn, "And they were the ones who made First Contact with us in 2063."
"I know Kathryn," said Gretchen, smiling a bit.
After three hours they had completed four floors. Gretchen thought it was all very interesting, not an especially exciting way to spend a Saturday, but certainly educational.
As they entered the fifth floor, Gretchen stopped suddenly in her tracks.
A Vulcan was standing in front of a large cavernous exhibit.
Gretchen had not expected him.
But there he was.
Tuvok.
Gretchen had been at the Academy for over two and a half months now, and seeing her old friend nearly made her break out into a run to hug him. Instead she smiled enormously and walked quickly forward.
Unlike her parents, the Vulcan looked the same. As they approached his facial features did not change, and Gretchen knew he did not recognize her.
It stung a bit, but did not dampen her smile.
"Have you come to see our religious exhibit, cadets?"
"Yes," said Kathryn.
"Would you like me to escort you?"
Kathryn glanced at Gretchen.
"Yes," said Gretchen.
This final exhibit had a much different feel. It was darkly lit, and made to look as if they were inside a cave. There was a feeling of solemnity and sacred space.
Tuvok's voice was even, but strong, and he explained everything with a clear, slow reverence.
There were torches and candles, written prayers, and alcoves for quiet meditation.
"Please, direct your attention to the final room," said Tuvok.
They entered another, deeper cave, and found that it was very large. It was dark, and also lit with torches, but from floor to ceiling there were large stone pillars with carvings on them.
"This is a Vulcan prayer wheel," said Tuvok, touching one of the large pillars, and as he did, it turned slightly.
"What are they used for?" asked Gretchen.
"Many things," said Tuvok, "The names of prayers are often written on them. They can be used in a form of walking meditation."
He grasped a tassel, and moved in a circle, as he did so the stone pillar moved, and made a very beautiful sound, like a chorus of bells.
When he had made a full circle he paused, "Monks at many Vulcan monasteries use these prayer wheels, as do some Vulcans who are not monastic. They are found to clear the mind, to be an elegant form of prayer."
"Are students allowed to use them during the exhibit?" asked Gretchen.
"Yes," said Tuvok, "That is their purpose. If you wish to, I hope you will return."
The two women nodded and thanked Tuvok.
Gretchen was intrigued by the Vulcan prayer wheels, they were different than anything she had ever seen before. She thought about them as she and Kathryn continued down the escalator that would take them to the first floor.
"I haven't packed yet," began Kathryn as they rode, in her faux casual voice again, "I figure it will take me about an hour. But it doesn't matter too much. Most of our fellow cadets have already left, so I won't have competition getting a shuttle. If it takes longer it's okay, I'm not in a hurry."
Gretchen did not reply.
"My mom said she's making vegetable biryani for dinner tonight, that's my favorite. She's a very good cook," Kathryn continued, "But it'll be a quiet house with my dad on mission and Phoebe gone."
You're not subtle Kathryn, thought Gretchen.
Do you never have a new thought mom?
Gretchen was a little touched and a lot exasperated.
I do not want to see the farm.
She thought for another moment before she replied.
At least I have something in mind now.
"I hope you have a good time at home," said Gretchen, in a friendly manner, "I just had another idea about how I want to spend my break."
Kathryn looked at her, in surprise, and approval at the last comment.
Kathryn fished for details for a few minutes, but Gretchen did not give away anything. She did not feel like talking about it yet.
"I hope it goes well," said Kathryn seriously, as they exited the building, "And I'm just a video call or a shuttle away."
"Good luck," Kathryn added, as they parted outside the exhibit building.
Gretchen turned to go to the library.
I want to know how different cultures deal with grief.
Gretchen had only been to the bottom floor of the library, briefly, during her tour with Kathryn on her first day. She had had very little free time on campus so far, and lots of textbooks to read. But with no supervision or responsibilities she found herself researching and wholeheartedly reading until 5:00 in the morning, when she must have dozed off.
The Vulcan librarian in her section had not bothered her. She wondered how many cadets he had seen study themselves to sleep over the years. It was very quiet, and there were no other students in her section, perhaps not in the whole library. It was beginning to be light outside, and she let herself have another nice nap before she lifted up and put the books away.
It had all been fascinating. While she had studied the basics of Vulcan, Klingon, and human funerals before, the computers on Voyager had very little information in comparison to the billions of volumes housed physically and digitally in the Starfleet library.
She was on a buzz from learning new facts.
And you have no one to share it with.
Shut up Gretchen, she told herself.
It hurt, as she remembered Thomas. Her other half. It was as natural to turn to him, as it was to use her right hand.
In the ritual she had run to him, even when she had known he wasn't there. That he was leading her to her death.
Mary and Lynna. L'Naal and Jeremy. Alan and Philip.
They were gone.
And she wasn't ready to say goodbye.
You'll never be ready to say goodbye, Gretchen, she thought.
No period of time would make you ready to say goodbye.
You could have been happy on that ship indefinitely. 1,000. 2,000 years.
1 million.
You would have been happy.
She was crying now, on the desk in the library.
You would have been happy. But you can't chase after phantoms. That's not what they'd want.
What about what I want?
I want to die. I wish I'd died.
Do you? Do you still?
Get the hell up out of this chair Gretchen.
She wiped her cheeks and grabbed her bag and got up.
It was a beautiful day on Starfleet Academy's campus. There was a slight little breeze in the air, and Gretchen dragged herself to the cafeteria. Then she went back to her Quarters and slept all day.
In the evening, she got up. It was only the first full day of mid-term break. She had a full seven before anyone would think about returning to campus.
She had to find something to do.
I could go visit the prayer wheels.
I'm not sure it will work…..but it's something.
She decided to go before she could talk herself out of it.
The Vulcan exhibit building felt lonelier today, as she entered without Kathryn. When she took the escalator to the fifth floor, she could immediately see that Tuvok was not there that day either. Instead there was another male Vulcan, wearing monastic robes.
"I'd like to try the Vulcan prayer wheels in the back, if no one is using them," said Gretchen timidly.
"You are allowed," said the Vulcan, in a rather clipped voice.
"What shall I think of?" She asked the monk.
"Whatever it is humans think of," he answered, in a disdainful manner, gesturing towards the entrance.
Gretchen wandered away from him, into the cave.
Why did they pick him for this duty? She thought resentfully.
I miss Tuvok, she thought a moment later, heart wrenching, He never minded that I was human.
Her head lowered, and she felt her nose itch.
It's a good thing he's not here, I would probably cling to him and sob and refuse to let go.
Gretchen realized she had gotten lost in the dark exhibit, but redirected her steps, and made it to the back cavern where the prayer wheels were.
She grabbed the tassel of the first one, the one Tuvok had touched, and started walking around the pillar awkwardly.
What shall I think about?
Whatever humans think about, her mind answered in annoyance.
This is stupid, she thought for a long moment, continuing the walk.
These bells are very pretty.
These bells are very pretty, and soothing.
She continued turning the wheel.
How do I keep my past from being my graveyard?
Do I want it to be my graveyard?
She turned the wheel.
Kh'thoh made his past his graveyard.
She thought of his grimaced, dead face and winced.
He refused to continue, to go on without his dead crew.
To go back to a planet, or a ship, or another space station.
To laugh with me again, to teach me more about Klingons.
She could feel the tears coming down now.
She turned the wheel.
She thought of Rachel Hargrove.
Who felt so alone she had betrayed the people who did really love her.
She thought of Marla.
Who couldn't handle her fear of never getting home.
Who had hated her mother so badly, she had lured her to her death.
She turned the wheel.
None of them had handled their grief well.
She did not want to end up like them.
She continued turning.
The wheel sang.
No one outside could hear it.
But she was praying.